The video in the link above, and here:
reminded me of what this day is really about. I talked a lot today. About things that mattered, but they were abstract concepts and goals I planned on reaching. But this makes them real. It makes everything real, as it is. Painful and filled with loss, and those words of never forgetting, of praying, for those experiencing loss, become more genuine now. I wish I could have cried, but never have I felt more moved to do something about these lives we live than at this moment now.
Above all, let us not forget to love.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Tomorrow.
"Is it more mature
To reflect
on self
or bigger concepts?
Is it more important
to learn from personal experience
or from the history all around you?
A look in the mirror
or the sound of gunfire from every generation.
What meaning can we extract
from everything
our senses perceive?
The private tragedy,
The public outrage,
a friend's rebellious word,
a world leader's command?
Who are we
what right have we
to judge
or to question?
What right have we not,
to judge
or to question?
Right and wrong
are different.
Depending on where you are.
Black and white,
a muddled gray.
Left is right,
right is left,
up is down,
down is up.
Distracted by aesthetics.
Distracted by the trivial.
Slam our faces in reality,
Escape into fantasy.
Defense mechanism.
What is real
what is not?
no.
direction.
But
there is.
even if that Direction
is often
denied.
Doubt comes easy
with all that's around us,
but there's the beauty
rising from ashes.
The Constant
that keeps us,
from going insane.
when everything else
threatens to topple us
all
to the ground.
How do we grow?
What makes us grow the most?
the fires that burn and make the soil fertile."
-poem from my Stories and Other Writing blog, 5/30/2011
Tomorrow, as many of us are aware, is the tenth anniversary 9/11/01, a day that is forever seared into American history, and the memory of all who were alive on that day. It is one of the many tragedies that occurred, a national tragedy, an internationally known event, something that sparked many more like itself, and it was not only a tragedy to a nation... but to individuals. To families and friends and families and friends who would later lose loved ones in events related to this one.
I can't help but think of loss in general, and how it is all around us, every single day. How every human being either is, or will be, personally effected by the loss of a loved one through death sometime in the future. I can't help but think of all the people I know who have experienced that sort of loss, and of all the strangers who are experiencing it right now. Grief and pain and shock and ache and I can't possibly imagine what they are going through. How it may dull over time, but never go away. Survivor's guilt. Anger. All those stages, the bargaining... how hard it must be to reach "acceptance". I simply cannot imagine it. Right now, reading memorials and tributes to a person I likely never met, considering what an incredible person this person seems to have been, I almost wish I would have known him. Had I seen him before? Probably. I never knew him, though. But I know people who did. He was so young... so full of... life and potential and compassion and wit and intelligence... and yet, no one knew his true thoughts.
And the man who was lost when I was in sixth grade, whose funeral I really shouldn't have been at. Who inspired a poem of mine that many years ago. I think of my other friends who have experienced much worse, for their friends, for their family, their families...
I think of how such loss connects so many people. I can't even begin to fathom the pain that comes from the sort of loss endured by those I know. All I know is guilt. And the shame that comes from my selfishness. I know of my anger and doubt and questions to God over why... why He lets these things happen. I know He cares, I know He loves us, I know He's there, and that He has a bigger, better plan than I could possibly imagine, that will make all work out for good. I shouldn't have trouble knowing this. I think of all these people I pray for, as they endure the things they endure. I think of these great, incredible people, who are experiencing these terrible, terrible things, and I just have to wonder... why. I've gotten the answer so many times, but I keep on asking.
So today, tonight, tomorrow, and every day after that... I should tell you all to take a moment and think. And pray. To never forget, but I don't expect that you will. To forgive, even though it's nearly impossible as a human being on one's own. I suppose I should tell you to dream about peace and make it accomplishable.
Life is so short and so fragile and so hard to know about. People are so layered and complex and they simply aren't as they seem. I should tell you all to advocate for those who are struggling with loss in a certain way, and I will. I should tell you all to be there for others, that we can make this world a better place. I do. I tell you all these things.
I will tell you that Jesus loves us all, and that God made this world, and that He has a bigger plan. And in my heart, I've found this to be true. But I will not tell you that anything is easy. Or that we'll ever find a way to avoid death or pain. I will not tell you not to feel angry or bitter, or grieved, or to dwell on the pain that you have. I'm not telling you, reader, to listen to everything or anything that I have to say, or to do as I do, or to believe as I do, really.
I am reflecting on these events. And I'm finding it hard to come up with answers, or to believe in my whole heart that these answers are true, even though I know in my spirit and soul that they are. My mind and my heart and my human nature find it so hard to believe it.
I will tell you, friends, to reflect on what I've said. To know that there is hope. That God has a bigger plan. That there are great people in this world, and all of them, including ourselves, are going to meet death one day, in some way or another. I pray that we don't give up hope.
To reflect
on self
or bigger concepts?
Is it more important
to learn from personal experience
or from the history all around you?
A look in the mirror
or the sound of gunfire from every generation.
What meaning can we extract
from everything
our senses perceive?
The private tragedy,
The public outrage,
a friend's rebellious word,
a world leader's command?
Who are we
what right have we
to judge
or to question?
What right have we not,
to judge
or to question?
Right and wrong
are different.
Depending on where you are.
Black and white,
a muddled gray.
Left is right,
right is left,
up is down,
down is up.
Distracted by aesthetics.
Distracted by the trivial.
Slam our faces in reality,
Escape into fantasy.
Defense mechanism.
What is real
what is not?
no.
direction.
But
there is.
even if that Direction
is often
denied.
Doubt comes easy
with all that's around us,
but there's the beauty
rising from ashes.
The Constant
that keeps us,
from going insane.
when everything else
threatens to topple us
all
to the ground.
How do we grow?
What makes us grow the most?
the fires that burn and make the soil fertile."
-poem from my Stories and Other Writing blog, 5/30/2011
Tomorrow, as many of us are aware, is the tenth anniversary 9/11/01, a day that is forever seared into American history, and the memory of all who were alive on that day. It is one of the many tragedies that occurred, a national tragedy, an internationally known event, something that sparked many more like itself, and it was not only a tragedy to a nation... but to individuals. To families and friends and families and friends who would later lose loved ones in events related to this one.
I can't help but think of loss in general, and how it is all around us, every single day. How every human being either is, or will be, personally effected by the loss of a loved one through death sometime in the future. I can't help but think of all the people I know who have experienced that sort of loss, and of all the strangers who are experiencing it right now. Grief and pain and shock and ache and I can't possibly imagine what they are going through. How it may dull over time, but never go away. Survivor's guilt. Anger. All those stages, the bargaining... how hard it must be to reach "acceptance". I simply cannot imagine it. Right now, reading memorials and tributes to a person I likely never met, considering what an incredible person this person seems to have been, I almost wish I would have known him. Had I seen him before? Probably. I never knew him, though. But I know people who did. He was so young... so full of... life and potential and compassion and wit and intelligence... and yet, no one knew his true thoughts.
And the man who was lost when I was in sixth grade, whose funeral I really shouldn't have been at. Who inspired a poem of mine that many years ago. I think of my other friends who have experienced much worse, for their friends, for their family, their families...
I think of how such loss connects so many people. I can't even begin to fathom the pain that comes from the sort of loss endured by those I know. All I know is guilt. And the shame that comes from my selfishness. I know of my anger and doubt and questions to God over why... why He lets these things happen. I know He cares, I know He loves us, I know He's there, and that He has a bigger, better plan than I could possibly imagine, that will make all work out for good. I shouldn't have trouble knowing this. I think of all these people I pray for, as they endure the things they endure. I think of these great, incredible people, who are experiencing these terrible, terrible things, and I just have to wonder... why. I've gotten the answer so many times, but I keep on asking.
So today, tonight, tomorrow, and every day after that... I should tell you all to take a moment and think. And pray. To never forget, but I don't expect that you will. To forgive, even though it's nearly impossible as a human being on one's own. I suppose I should tell you to dream about peace and make it accomplishable.
Life is so short and so fragile and so hard to know about. People are so layered and complex and they simply aren't as they seem. I should tell you all to advocate for those who are struggling with loss in a certain way, and I will. I should tell you all to be there for others, that we can make this world a better place. I do. I tell you all these things.
I will tell you that Jesus loves us all, and that God made this world, and that He has a bigger plan. And in my heart, I've found this to be true. But I will not tell you that anything is easy. Or that we'll ever find a way to avoid death or pain. I will not tell you not to feel angry or bitter, or grieved, or to dwell on the pain that you have. I'm not telling you, reader, to listen to everything or anything that I have to say, or to do as I do, or to believe as I do, really.
I am reflecting on these events. And I'm finding it hard to come up with answers, or to believe in my whole heart that these answers are true, even though I know in my spirit and soul that they are. My mind and my heart and my human nature find it so hard to believe it.
I will tell you, friends, to reflect on what I've said. To know that there is hope. That God has a bigger plan. That there are great people in this world, and all of them, including ourselves, are going to meet death one day, in some way or another. I pray that we don't give up hope.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Entry with a central point... "Goals for this Year".
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
(Now to get started on writing and finishing a story in 2011. I feel as though I am vaguely trolling my own blog. Regardless. This. Will. Happen. I. WILL. Complete. A. Draft. Of. An. Original. Fiction. Story. THIS. YEAR.)
There's just too much inspiration for stories. There's just too much reality around me, too many fears, too many hopes, too many dreams, too much, too much, TOO MUCH, and I just CANNOT let this go on any longer. I HAVE to finish a draft, some draft, ANY draft, of ANY story, and I'm not going to wait until November to try! Dangit, I'm going to have 50,000 done BY November, if it kills me! Which it could. Potentially. Especially with all the things I'm doing this year/semester. Actually, this is the perfect place for me to finally solidify my goals this year. All of them, not just my writing goals. So here goes, for future reference:
-LIVE FOR CHRIST. I am unashamed of my God, of my faith, of the truth it holds in my life. Of His saving grace, and spilled blood for my salvation, and His love. And have I shown this Love recently? Not enough. Not. Enough. This is my first and foremost goal this year, and from this, will all my other goals and hopefully accomplishments, spring. Not only this, but that it will enrich every new friendship I become a part of, and that it will improve and revitalize every social relationship I am currently involved in (family, friends, etc.).
-Deepen my relationships with people. My current friends, my less-contacted friends, my family, groups I'm involved with, people I've never really paid enough attention to. This is something that is also incredibly important.
-Improve relationships with males in particular. In years past, I've had so many shortcomings in being capable of having meaningful friendships with guys in my age group; whether it's been obvious or not, or whether I've been terribly obvious in my expression of this, I usually end up crushing on any guy I get close to. This is something I need to work on, very much. I feel like this could be very damaging to any serious romantic or platonic relationship I have with another male person in the future. I will work at this, so I will save my (potential) future husband from having a potentially dysfunctional relationship, and save him and myself from having the pain that could come from this behavior I've displayed so far in my life.
-Work HARDER. This year, I need to learn self-motivation, self-determination, and self-discipline. I have a lot to do, more than I've ever had to do academically, and I intend to get a job. But with these other dysfunctional and deeply established behaviors of myself so far (the tendency to procrastinate to the very last minute, to allow lots of work to build up and cause myself to be overwhelmed by the work that piles up), I'm going to need to work REALLY hard to reverse these behaviors. And I'm willing to do that. And I WILL do that, not only because I don't really have a choice, but because I know it's something I need to do, and a part of my actions I've wanted to change for a long time.
-Keep dreaming. And make more realistic (and less abstract) goals to reach these dreams and goals.
-KEEP PRAYING. Keep trusting. Keep having faith. Keep loving.
-LISTEN. Listen to people, listen for what's behind what people say.
-Learn. Learn as much as possible, about as much as possible.
-Laugh more. Take some things a lot less seriously, but don't leave empathy and sensitivity behind.
-Exercise. This is on every goal list I make. But this one is going to need some serious expansion, like the goal-reaching goal itself. I need a constructive, specific, list of goals to increase what I need to do. I just have to improve my health, and this is where I'm lacking the most.
-Write every day. More specifically, write parts of particular stories every day. Begin the post-it note stories with Leah and Nathaniel (this being something I will expand upon later, and I promise! that I will do this.). Finish either my stories Sunlight, Interference, Rescue, Broken Ice, or the post-it note story.
So there we have it. These are my goals for this year and next. Love you all.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
(Now to get started on writing and finishing a story in 2011. I feel as though I am vaguely trolling my own blog. Regardless. This. Will. Happen. I. WILL. Complete. A. Draft. Of. An. Original. Fiction. Story. THIS. YEAR.)
There's just too much inspiration for stories. There's just too much reality around me, too many fears, too many hopes, too many dreams, too much, too much, TOO MUCH, and I just CANNOT let this go on any longer. I HAVE to finish a draft, some draft, ANY draft, of ANY story, and I'm not going to wait until November to try! Dangit, I'm going to have 50,000 done BY November, if it kills me! Which it could. Potentially. Especially with all the things I'm doing this year/semester. Actually, this is the perfect place for me to finally solidify my goals this year. All of them, not just my writing goals. So here goes, for future reference:
-LIVE FOR CHRIST. I am unashamed of my God, of my faith, of the truth it holds in my life. Of His saving grace, and spilled blood for my salvation, and His love. And have I shown this Love recently? Not enough. Not. Enough. This is my first and foremost goal this year, and from this, will all my other goals and hopefully accomplishments, spring. Not only this, but that it will enrich every new friendship I become a part of, and that it will improve and revitalize every social relationship I am currently involved in (family, friends, etc.).
-Deepen my relationships with people. My current friends, my less-contacted friends, my family, groups I'm involved with, people I've never really paid enough attention to. This is something that is also incredibly important.
-Improve relationships with males in particular. In years past, I've had so many shortcomings in being capable of having meaningful friendships with guys in my age group; whether it's been obvious or not, or whether I've been terribly obvious in my expression of this, I usually end up crushing on any guy I get close to. This is something I need to work on, very much. I feel like this could be very damaging to any serious romantic or platonic relationship I have with another male person in the future. I will work at this, so I will save my (potential) future husband from having a potentially dysfunctional relationship, and save him and myself from having the pain that could come from this behavior I've displayed so far in my life.
-Work HARDER. This year, I need to learn self-motivation, self-determination, and self-discipline. I have a lot to do, more than I've ever had to do academically, and I intend to get a job. But with these other dysfunctional and deeply established behaviors of myself so far (the tendency to procrastinate to the very last minute, to allow lots of work to build up and cause myself to be overwhelmed by the work that piles up), I'm going to need to work REALLY hard to reverse these behaviors. And I'm willing to do that. And I WILL do that, not only because I don't really have a choice, but because I know it's something I need to do, and a part of my actions I've wanted to change for a long time.
-Keep dreaming. And make more realistic (and less abstract) goals to reach these dreams and goals.
-KEEP PRAYING. Keep trusting. Keep having faith. Keep loving.
-LISTEN. Listen to people, listen for what's behind what people say.
-Learn. Learn as much as possible, about as much as possible.
-Laugh more. Take some things a lot less seriously, but don't leave empathy and sensitivity behind.
-Exercise. This is on every goal list I make. But this one is going to need some serious expansion, like the goal-reaching goal itself. I need a constructive, specific, list of goals to increase what I need to do. I just have to improve my health, and this is where I'm lacking the most.
-Write every day. More specifically, write parts of particular stories every day. Begin the post-it note stories with Leah and Nathaniel (this being something I will expand upon later, and I promise! that I will do this.). Finish either my stories Sunlight, Interference, Rescue, Broken Ice, or the post-it note story.
So there we have it. These are my goals for this year and next. Love you all.
With three billion other more significant things to write about...
In the middle of all my recently selfish thoughts, and my incredibly annoying constant self-analysis and potential self-doubt, especially when expressed aloud, is this one positive focus.
This future I have, and these things I want to do, and what I know I'm being called too. I've realized, with all that annoying self-analysis, that I am incredibly idealistic, potentially optimistic, but still have an amazing ability to see all the things that could and do go wrong. However insignificant (with the upcoming beginning of grade 11 in High School, obtaining my driver's license potentially soon, and bigger issues that have been on my mind, such as Hurricane Irene, modern-day slavery, issues of faith and showing it to those around me through love and action, disability rights and people's ignorance, social models of this and mental illness, psychology, sociology, the economy, veganism, animal treatment, abortion, differences between the UK and the U.S., family, politics, other social issues, the state of local news and how stories are presented, etc....), this one seems to be the one that keeps recurring. Writing. Stories. Getting something accomplished.
And so far, it hasn't happened. But it might. No, it will. I've made it a habit to say I WILL, so that I have made a commitment. I have many things to pray about, many people, many issues, so much grace to be grateful for, so much to be happy about, so much to thank God for, and I do that. And when I think about it, I actually am really busy right now in life. I would be falling apart without God. I'm so grateful for all that is going on in my life right now. And change would usually freak me out a lot, especially an increase in activity like I've had lately with the beginning of my part-time enrollment in college courses at an actual college. And I know I have a lot more to figure out, even within the next week. Within the next day. However, there... there's a lot to be grateful for. I kind of lost my central point in this entry, but I guess that's what this entry is about now. I'm really thankful for all that's gone on in my life lately. I'm going to change my selfish nature, though. That I am determined to do.
God loves you all, and I do too. I hope this entry isn't as disappointing as I think it is.
This future I have, and these things I want to do, and what I know I'm being called too. I've realized, with all that annoying self-analysis, that I am incredibly idealistic, potentially optimistic, but still have an amazing ability to see all the things that could and do go wrong. However insignificant (with the upcoming beginning of grade 11 in High School, obtaining my driver's license potentially soon, and bigger issues that have been on my mind, such as Hurricane Irene, modern-day slavery, issues of faith and showing it to those around me through love and action, disability rights and people's ignorance, social models of this and mental illness, psychology, sociology, the economy, veganism, animal treatment, abortion, differences between the UK and the U.S., family, politics, other social issues, the state of local news and how stories are presented, etc....), this one seems to be the one that keeps recurring. Writing. Stories. Getting something accomplished.
And so far, it hasn't happened. But it might. No, it will. I've made it a habit to say I WILL, so that I have made a commitment. I have many things to pray about, many people, many issues, so much grace to be grateful for, so much to be happy about, so much to thank God for, and I do that. And when I think about it, I actually am really busy right now in life. I would be falling apart without God. I'm so grateful for all that is going on in my life right now. And change would usually freak me out a lot, especially an increase in activity like I've had lately with the beginning of my part-time enrollment in college courses at an actual college. And I know I have a lot more to figure out, even within the next week. Within the next day. However, there... there's a lot to be grateful for. I kind of lost my central point in this entry, but I guess that's what this entry is about now. I'm really thankful for all that's gone on in my life lately. I'm going to change my selfish nature, though. That I am determined to do.
God loves you all, and I do too. I hope this entry isn't as disappointing as I think it is.
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