Things I've dealt with. (My testimony)

Recently, I've had a conversation with a very good friend of mine who is dealing with some really serious things. I'd like to publish my thoughts on this right here, in this blog. Thank you all who read this.

For my youth group's mission trip, each person on the team (fifteen total--12 students, three adults) needed to write out their testimony of God's faithfulness in life. If not written out entirely, at least outlined. If not outlined, we should have had at least a slightly remote idea of what we might say. And if not that, we'd pray that the Holy Spirit would lead our words. The latter we would do anyway, but it was written that we should have had at LEAST SOMETHING to share. I had written something--a page-long ESSAY, essentially, on my entire life, including info about my parents before I was even conceived. While it was a great testimony and story, it just wasn't enough, at least in my opinion. It was rambly. And everybody else simply had outlines, it seemed.

And while everybody but me and one other girl took the opportunity to share their testimony in front of the small congregations that we visited almost DAILY, I did get the chance to share. With an even smaller congregation. A very small group of children, that we were working with for a church's Kid's Club on Monday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's. I shared about how I didn't always understand God, but He was always faithful to my family. He always provided for my family. And how He was still there and strengthening my friends who were Christian, but who did not come from Christian families. Now I have no idea if my story had an impact on those kids, but I pray that they made that decision to follow Christ, or that they do, at some point.

But the important thing was that I shared. I told someone my story, one of my small stories, about how God was faithful to my family, my friends, and myself. The story I told was short and not detailed, as we were in a circle with four other student leaders plus a student translator, and probably not over six little girls, and one's toddler brother, and we were all supposed to share.

I realized, maybe not exactly THERE, but at least on the mission trip, that my story mattered. That I HAD a story to share. That God DID have a plan for me. And He DOES have a plan for me. I learned that He uses my past, which I thought was average and insignificant and unrelatable to help others see Him. That if I pointed my story up to Him, and used it for His glory, well... it would bring Him glory. I really, genuinel mattered.

What's more, is that God is the One who mattered most.

And now I have a story to share. This is the testimony I feel like I'd go around sharing if I was asked to share more often. This is the testimony I'd tell you if I felt God leading me to tell you it. This is my story, and the story of God's faithfulness in my life (note that this is a lengthy written version; out loud, it would probably be shorter and much better told):

I suppose I'll begin with "conversion". I was about five, probably, the first time I decided to accept Jesus Christ into my life. I probably raised my hand in church, and prayed the prayer. The sad truth is, I don't really remember the first time I did this. I do remember one of these times, though, the one I considered "official", for a long time. I was eight years old. I raised my hand in Vacation Bible School, on that lovely altar call day I've learned to help with when I have led small groups for VBS myself. Several others and I were taken into a seperate classroom, prayed for, and given children's tracts. My parents were told. They were so happy and so proud of me.

I was raised in a Christian home. My parents are both Christians, and each have their own amazing story of God's faithfulness. We still attend the same church that I was "converted" in. But as many stories like this go, I really didn't understand God or my faith, or what I was supposed to do with this, until around early middle school. And at this same time, I began to struggle with things. I started to see not only God's presence, but the presence of evil and the presence of suffering. I began to see all the darkness around me, and I started to let it consume me. I started not only seeing the pain of others, but began to realize flaws about myself. Like how selfish I was. How fat I was. How strange and abnormal I was. I started to withdraw. I had good, close friends, people God put in my life for Him to work through, however, I was still struggling. I struggled with how I saw myself. I struggled with how I was unable to help my friends as much as I wanted to. I struggled with how the only decisions I could make, were my own. And I struggled with how I thought that I was a terrible, selfish, guilty person, who deserved to be punished. I saw my every mistake, no matter how small, as something huge and terrible.

And I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to hurt myself. And I wanted to make myself more acceptable, at the same time. I never did these things physically, but I thought about them all the time. On some occasions, I thought that I would never be accepted, or be acceptable, and that the world would be better without me, and that my wrongdoings, my sins that I couldn't accept grace for, made me worthless. Made me worthy of death. And like I mentioned, I never came up with a plan. I found a Bible verse in a children's daily Bible, about how helping others stored up treasures in Heaven. At the time, I really didn't care about the treasures. All I knew was that God had a plan for me, still here, still on Earth. That His plan was for me to help others. I took this as a call.

Things didn't get easier from there. All throughout middle school, and even in high school, I dealt with fluctuating self-esteem, and not forgiving myself. Not accepting God's forgiveness and grace. I dealt with feeling overwhelmed by the sin and the pain of this world, and of myself. Of allowing myself to fall behind. Of wondering what my purpose is in life. Doubting God and His abilities. Fearing the judgement of others.

But now, now I know something I didn't know then--God will work everything out. For His glory. For good. He wants GOOD for me. He will use me for the incredible things in His plan. He is already using me. He has already USED me! God is amazing! He has given me this incredible life, and at least two incredible spiritual gifts, and He loves me so much, and would never want harm for me. He only wants to bring me closer to Him.

So now I live for Him, one moment at a time. He is my rock and my salvation. And He loves you too, and has an incredible plan for you.

Things I'm going to do with this blog now.

I've decided that I will now be updating regularly on this blog. However short my entries may be. And one way I will be making myself do this is to begin a series of blog entries expressing my viewpoint on rather important issues as I'm led to write about, through experiences or observation I make during a week. This past week I might write about:

-Bullying

-Depression

-God (this would take a while. xD <3) -Low Expectations of young adults (based on a short passage of Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris which I read in the past week)

-American culture's view of love (based on the media and what real love is--and not like the craptastic blog entry I wrote about "love" a long, long time ago)

-Movies that mean something

I would also like to begin writing down my mental/conversational critique of films and books and shows that I view/read, to see if they are helpful at all. I'd probably do this from a Christian perspective, but not always a totally conservative one. So it could be interesting. Or not. We'll see, I suppose. Thank you all who support my endeavors.

But I'd also like to publish more important stuff. Anyways, let's all hope and pray this gets through!

-Alison

God bless! Love you all!

Life now!

http://cefchighschoolmissions.​blogspot.com/

There's too much to say, but the above link says some of it. I just want to say that my life... I'm just seeing it now, is just so incredible. So beautiful. And God really has me now. He has ALL of me now. And when He doesn't, I'll keep coming back. I've never felt this amazing before, ever, in my entire life.

When I went to the Dominican Republic on a mission trip, I was hoping for that something to just bring me out of the strange fog I'd been in all schoolyear long. All of my failures and disappointments and anxiety and all the stress I'd piled onto myself, I was just hoping that God would somehow reach me. And what I didn't know was that He was there the whole time, waiting... waiting for ME. I didn't reach back out to Him until I was on that trip. When I started reaching others for HIM. When I told my story of His faithfulness in my life, and in my friends' lives. Until I heard the stories of His faithfulness in so many lives, here in Minnesota, in the United States, and in the Dominican Republic, in Buenos Aires, and Jarabacoa, and Los Calabazos. God was THERE! He IS there! He IS here!

My life is going to be and always will be different now, because I am really living my life sold out to Him!

Right after returning from the Dominican Republic, with only one day home, I went to a music festival with my friend from school. Sonshine Festival, in Wilmar, Minnesota. We camped for three nights there with her family and her mom's friend. I saw so many incredible bands and artists, many for the second time, (bands such as Love Out Loud, Switchfoot, Skillet, Children 18:3, Remedy Drive, The Afters, Tenth Avenue North, Lincoln Brewster, and TobyMac), and I learned so much from each of them, and the speakers that I saw. But not to be cliche, but those weren't what I learned and got the most from. I was there when my friend's younger sister decided to give her life to Christ. I could not believe that God had allowed me to witness such an incredible, beautiful, positively life-altering, amazing decision of someone else. I had wanted to be a part of this for so long! For anyone! And He allowed me to be there. He may have even used me to help her. But the glory goes to God.

I also had the opportunity to see an amazing student-led campus ministry group from Minnesota speaking there--The Catalyst Coalition. They really set me on fire for God, and to share God on my school campus. I feel as though God is currently leading me to start a campus ministry right at my own school, and He seems to be working things out. So if you pray, please do pray that we will find the people that we need for a core team for this ministry at my school.

I am just so amazed. And there is just too much to say. But God is so good! Thank you, Lord!

God bless, all. Love,
Alison