Author's Note:Inspired by Leah, I will put up this preface. The story itself may suck, but I kind of like my preface. I might try to summarize it later. It would be nice if someone who is more adult than me can tell me what it's like to be an adult.
“Change”
It’s amazing how much life can change in however many years we’ve been existent. There are a lot of things associated with that. At 20-some odd years, people will still call you young, yet you have lived through over two decades, and so many things can change in those over two decades. I mean, so many things can change in just one year. Or even a month.
A week.
A day. An hour.
A minute.
A second.
Lots of things happen that change us. Although it may be our choice to how we react to those changes, things will happen that will ultimately change us.
For better, or for worse.
People might hurt us; that may make us feel confused or angry or depressed. People might compliment us and bring up our confidence. Or, people will tell us something, and that might get us thinking, that might get us doubting, or assist us in finding something that we might have been looking for. Or make us face something we’d been fighting, or running from.
Changes can’t just be based on circumstances we can’t help. Changes can be from our own choices. How we react to circumstances beyond our control, changes us. What we choose, impacts our lives. Whether big or small, it just may change our life.
Whether a change will be good or bad is based on our own choices. Right or wrong, good or bad, internal or external.
AN: What do you guys think? Just let me know. It's super vague, but here's the story:
There's Ben Errickson, resident dreamer and optimist, Christian, and Marriage Counselor intern, with high hopes for the future and the future of his career. He'd gone through a lot, with his parents' divorce, and his sister's former teenage pregnancy. Now grown up, at around 26, his sister having such a ridiculous success in life with child and husband, as well as his parents' successful remarriages, and really hoping with God in his heart and thoughts, he wants to make things happen for other couples. He wants to work in the field to heal couples, but is well aware of how relationships can fail, and has learned to accept it, as difficult as it is. He is far in his progress from adolescence and those days. And has a strange attraction toward a girl in the workplace, that interests him out of the mystery of her problems and outwardly coarse attitude.
Erin is harder to explain. I still haven't figured her out entirely.
Erin Martensen has a counseling job that has something to do with girls who put themselves in compromising or dangerous situations or used to be in them. Though the job is serious, and the girls are sensitive, she is constantly, loudly, encouraging them to just live for themselves and do what they think is right and get out of whatever bad situation they're in. And not to mention, blames the guys entirely who often give them the problems in her perspective. She almost seems out to get the entire male population at times. She is not at all conventional with this, and is sometimes too loud to listen. She believes that no one should have control over anyone else. She comes on too strong, and acts like she's strong, and seems to not "take crap". And she doesn't let too many people in. But no one at the Center they work at really knows her that well. At one point, she was just like the girls in the groups she watches over, but after feeling guilt and pain and fear, she built up a shell of sarcasm and control and bitterness that she doesn't like to admit she has. And underneath it, she blames the person from her past, and curses herself for never standing up, making it her goal to make sure as many people as possible never have to reach that position again. Ben annoys the crud out of her, but only over time will she soften and open up again, through him at first.
Too cheesy/cliche/unrealistic/stupid/weird/sexist (ha)/dumb/strange/etc.? Let me know. Really. I want as much critque as possible on this because I want to be accurate. Or at least to a point. I know it's my story, but I've gotta write for readers, not just myself.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Two posts in a row. I'm on a roll today! (Odd poetry and stuff)
Sorry for the lack of creativity in the titles. I will now write some random poetry.
Tell Me
I hate
Taking criticism
Sometimes
There's pride
I can't let go
Of what I wrote or thought or said
And become defensive or offended.
But I know I shouldn't.
I know when I should take it and the difference between constructive
And destructive
Criticism or insult.
But either way, please tell me
What you think.
Give me your opinion.
Or quote some scripture for me.
Insult me.
Make fun of me.
Just tell me.
I want to know.
I just want to know
What you think.
Maybe it shouldn't matter
It shouldn't affect me.
But the good things that affect me,
Will make me a more well-rounded person.
Make me listen better.
Humble me.
Even the bad
Will make me stronger in the end.
Just tell me everything you think.
Untitled
When I look at you,
I think of all the emotions
I felt for you
Why do I mess up things like this?
I just don't understand myself
But it doesn't matter anymore
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're doing good, I'm happy.
If you're covering up what's really inside, I understand.
Sometimes I don't want to believe this is really your personality.
But who am I to judge?
And if I truly cared for you, what would I do for you?
More notes would make you think I was strange, not that you already don't.
I'll try to understand you.
I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
I have a strane personality; I'm hard to understand, even to myself.
But I hope we can be friends.
We were at one point, and now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever think of me?
Or do you avoid me in your thoughts, just so you're avoiding me?
Will we ever get closer?
Should I even care?
It's for God I need to change.
It's for you I want to be softened.
And tougher at the same time.
You will never understand what I thought of you this year.
But it doesn't even matter.
I want to lead well, I want to be good.
I want to inspire, but God has to work through me, not on my own.
Follow Him, dear brother in Christ
I'll try not to be inconsistent anymore.
I have no right to criticize, I have no right to point out your flaws.
Especially when I need to focus yet on mine.
Keep on going with life, but fight the forces that lead you off the right path.
For your own good.
Live knowing He is there.
And that if you ever need another friend, I will jump at the chance.
Always There
I thank the Lord for you
Every single day
He is a wonderful God, and you are the ones He gave me to keep me in check.
You are the one I talk to when others bring me down
You are the one who give me encouragement on the times I need it
You could write an entire book about me, as I could for you.
You and I know each other far too well
You are always there for me
I hope I'm always there for you.
If I've ever failed you, which I'm sure I have, I'm sorry.
You put up with my demandingness, my bipolar self-esteem
You put up with me every single night.
You know how to listen, and when to talk and when not to.
You are just too amazing.
God, thanks for blessing me with such a great friend.
To All my Friends
All of you
Always listening
Always talking
On my nerves, or on my heart, on my mind
All the time.
I love you all.
I care for you in different ways
And never want to see you hurt
Though I have.
Many of you.
Dearest friends.
You are always in my prayers,
In my thoughts.
You never leave my mind.
Even when I feel I've failed you, you prove me wrong.
And when I actually do, you're always so loving
So forgiving.
I thank God for you too, my friends.
I'll never leave your side
He'll never leave your side.
You're in my life for a reason.
And I thank God for your presences
For your kindness and your openness and love.
Tell Me
I hate
Taking criticism
Sometimes
There's pride
I can't let go
Of what I wrote or thought or said
And become defensive or offended.
But I know I shouldn't.
I know when I should take it and the difference between constructive
And destructive
Criticism or insult.
But either way, please tell me
What you think.
Give me your opinion.
Or quote some scripture for me.
Insult me.
Make fun of me.
Just tell me.
I want to know.
I just want to know
What you think.
Maybe it shouldn't matter
It shouldn't affect me.
But the good things that affect me,
Will make me a more well-rounded person.
Make me listen better.
Humble me.
Even the bad
Will make me stronger in the end.
Just tell me everything you think.
Untitled
When I look at you,
I think of all the emotions
I felt for you
Why do I mess up things like this?
I just don't understand myself
But it doesn't matter anymore
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're doing good, I'm happy.
If you're covering up what's really inside, I understand.
Sometimes I don't want to believe this is really your personality.
But who am I to judge?
And if I truly cared for you, what would I do for you?
More notes would make you think I was strange, not that you already don't.
I'll try to understand you.
I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
I have a strane personality; I'm hard to understand, even to myself.
But I hope we can be friends.
We were at one point, and now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever think of me?
Or do you avoid me in your thoughts, just so you're avoiding me?
Will we ever get closer?
Should I even care?
It's for God I need to change.
It's for you I want to be softened.
And tougher at the same time.
You will never understand what I thought of you this year.
But it doesn't even matter.
I want to lead well, I want to be good.
I want to inspire, but God has to work through me, not on my own.
Follow Him, dear brother in Christ
I'll try not to be inconsistent anymore.
I have no right to criticize, I have no right to point out your flaws.
Especially when I need to focus yet on mine.
Keep on going with life, but fight the forces that lead you off the right path.
For your own good.
Live knowing He is there.
And that if you ever need another friend, I will jump at the chance.
Always There
I thank the Lord for you
Every single day
He is a wonderful God, and you are the ones He gave me to keep me in check.
You are the one I talk to when others bring me down
You are the one who give me encouragement on the times I need it
You could write an entire book about me, as I could for you.
You and I know each other far too well
You are always there for me
I hope I'm always there for you.
If I've ever failed you, which I'm sure I have, I'm sorry.
You put up with my demandingness, my bipolar self-esteem
You put up with me every single night.
You know how to listen, and when to talk and when not to.
You are just too amazing.
God, thanks for blessing me with such a great friend.
To All my Friends
All of you
Always listening
Always talking
On my nerves, or on my heart, on my mind
All the time.
I love you all.
I care for you in different ways
And never want to see you hurt
Though I have.
Many of you.
Dearest friends.
You are always in my prayers,
In my thoughts.
You never leave my mind.
Even when I feel I've failed you, you prove me wrong.
And when I actually do, you're always so loving
So forgiving.
I thank God for you too, my friends.
I'll never leave your side
He'll never leave your side.
You're in my life for a reason.
And I thank God for your presences
For your kindness and your openness and love.
OMC AN EXACT 2 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST!!!
Once again, I start with an apology. I'm really, really, REALLY sorry for not posting. I am REALLY not good with all this irregular posting, guys. I'm sorry. :(
*hug* You guys are still totally awesome for reading my blog.
Anyways, April 20. Things about today:
-It is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings
-It's the day I can go back to phone roleplaying with my friend
-It's... April 20th.
I have this book that has this story of Cassie Bernall from before she became a Christian again and everything, and it was written by her parents, and... *sigh* It was really good, but really sad. The whole situation is really, REALLY sad. That all those kids had to lose their lives that way. And the many more who have since then.
The roleplaying thing kind of pales in the Columbine situation. I really don't just wanna brush over that, but I sort of do. It reminds me of when I watched Hotel Rwanda for school, and how the UN got only the European/American/etc. tourists out and themselves to cover themselves up and didn't help the Rwandans until so much killing had already happened.
It's all incredibly sad, all of that. *sigh* I pray that the survivors are all doing well.
---
Continuing from my last post, I do think I'm done with liking Sam 1. He's got a girlfriend now, and she's nice enough, and I just don't think I can keep on going with that. Weird stuff happened (as in, his dad came over and talked to my dad over Sam 1's behavior, which isn't very nice or appropriate toward me and various other people), and I'm trying to just think of him as a regular person again. Not a "cardboard cut-out" of eighth grade crush. A guy who could be my friend, a guy who might be struggling with things that don't ever surface out from his crudely-humored shell at school. I'm trying to do that with all of his... friends... as well.
*sigh*
Easter.
Easter was pretty awesome. I loved my church service, and the song that one of the women in the church sang:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6LGSzNW9xU
It was sort of obvious that they were reaching out to the people who DIDN'T believe in Christ exactly, during the sermon. But I was okay with that.
I've been thinking a lot lately. The past couple of weeks, I thought too much. I really just... I had a bout of questioning. Lots of it. But I'm done with that. I don't mean to offend anyone with the song or what I write or anything. I really just know in my heart, that God is there. And all his laws are righteous and true.
Things that have spoken to me/inspired me/made me think/made me hopeful/etc. lately (within past week/Sunday/etc.):
-Post on one of the ASN D&D boards about "throwing stones" (like in the Bible, how Jesus told the crowd who were going to stone an unfaithful woman or something, and said "He without sin may throw the first stone", and how no one could...) It was kind of humbling, I think. I realize I'm too critical and overly "conservative" sometimes. Loving the sinner and not the sin has been easier said than done lately, to be brutally honest, which is a bad thing. And I can't be that way.
-The former atheist woman who shared her testimony to the Sunday School class yesterday. She was awesome... really awesome. People can be transformed so much.
-My Youth Pastor, even as he was getting somewhat "let go" by the church. He really knows what he's talking about. And he's so God-centered on this. I followed his struggle through my dad, who talks to him a lot. And he seemed so encouraged, so sure, of God's direction, so trusting, so faithful, even in such a difficult "season" as he's now put it. I thought that was pretty awesome.
-Leah's confirmation homework for confirmation. What (I think it was Martin Luther...) wrote about temptation:
"Casts doubt on revealed word (I say "Truth" in place of revealed word for some reason...)"
"Contradicts revealed word"
"Counter-promises revealed word"
It's really true, is what I've found... the way Satan works in temptation, the way temptation, even through ourselves, goes... it's pretty deep, pretty real. I've seen it. Every time I've gotten tempted to believe something that's wrong, that's just the way it goes. o.o
-People just being nice to me. Sam 1 being able to talk to me like a friend at Youth Group, and then not as much at school. But it's okay-ish.
-My dad mentioning again how the adults at my church think I'm a leader, a good encourager, a caring person... sometimes I feel like I don't fit that at all. And I never feel like I do. But knowing people see me that way, usually it scares me... but it really makes me want to keep aiming high. Not only because I don't want to fail them, but because I really want to care. And I really want to follow where God wants me to go, and be a good example to my friends and youth group members. And I can't let God or them down.
-How I've really been blessed with a gift, apparently. Even when I don't see it.
And that's about all I think I'll say for this post. God bless you all. Jesus loves you too.
You guys are pretty awesome. Love ya all! Talk to you soon. :)
*hug* You guys are still totally awesome for reading my blog.
Anyways, April 20. Things about today:
-It is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings
-It's the day I can go back to phone roleplaying with my friend
-It's... April 20th.
I have this book that has this story of Cassie Bernall from before she became a Christian again and everything, and it was written by her parents, and... *sigh* It was really good, but really sad. The whole situation is really, REALLY sad. That all those kids had to lose their lives that way. And the many more who have since then.
The roleplaying thing kind of pales in the Columbine situation. I really don't just wanna brush over that, but I sort of do. It reminds me of when I watched Hotel Rwanda for school, and how the UN got only the European/American/etc. tourists out and themselves to cover themselves up and didn't help the Rwandans until so much killing had already happened.
It's all incredibly sad, all of that. *sigh* I pray that the survivors are all doing well.
---
Continuing from my last post, I do think I'm done with liking Sam 1. He's got a girlfriend now, and she's nice enough, and I just don't think I can keep on going with that. Weird stuff happened (as in, his dad came over and talked to my dad over Sam 1's behavior, which isn't very nice or appropriate toward me and various other people), and I'm trying to just think of him as a regular person again. Not a "cardboard cut-out" of eighth grade crush. A guy who could be my friend, a guy who might be struggling with things that don't ever surface out from his crudely-humored shell at school. I'm trying to do that with all of his... friends... as well.
*sigh*
Easter.
Easter was pretty awesome. I loved my church service, and the song that one of the women in the church sang:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6LGSzNW9xU
It was sort of obvious that they were reaching out to the people who DIDN'T believe in Christ exactly, during the sermon. But I was okay with that.
I've been thinking a lot lately. The past couple of weeks, I thought too much. I really just... I had a bout of questioning. Lots of it. But I'm done with that. I don't mean to offend anyone with the song or what I write or anything. I really just know in my heart, that God is there. And all his laws are righteous and true.
Things that have spoken to me/inspired me/made me think/made me hopeful/etc. lately (within past week/Sunday/etc.):
-Post on one of the ASN D&D boards about "throwing stones" (like in the Bible, how Jesus told the crowd who were going to stone an unfaithful woman or something, and said "He without sin may throw the first stone", and how no one could...) It was kind of humbling, I think. I realize I'm too critical and overly "conservative" sometimes. Loving the sinner and not the sin has been easier said than done lately, to be brutally honest, which is a bad thing. And I can't be that way.
-The former atheist woman who shared her testimony to the Sunday School class yesterday. She was awesome... really awesome. People can be transformed so much.
-My Youth Pastor, even as he was getting somewhat "let go" by the church. He really knows what he's talking about. And he's so God-centered on this. I followed his struggle through my dad, who talks to him a lot. And he seemed so encouraged, so sure, of God's direction, so trusting, so faithful, even in such a difficult "season" as he's now put it. I thought that was pretty awesome.
-Leah's confirmation homework for confirmation. What (I think it was Martin Luther...) wrote about temptation:
"Casts doubt on revealed word (I say "Truth" in place of revealed word for some reason...)"
"Contradicts revealed word"
"Counter-promises revealed word"
It's really true, is what I've found... the way Satan works in temptation, the way temptation, even through ourselves, goes... it's pretty deep, pretty real. I've seen it. Every time I've gotten tempted to believe something that's wrong, that's just the way it goes. o.o
-People just being nice to me. Sam 1 being able to talk to me like a friend at Youth Group, and then not as much at school. But it's okay-ish.
-My dad mentioning again how the adults at my church think I'm a leader, a good encourager, a caring person... sometimes I feel like I don't fit that at all. And I never feel like I do. But knowing people see me that way, usually it scares me... but it really makes me want to keep aiming high. Not only because I don't want to fail them, but because I really want to care. And I really want to follow where God wants me to go, and be a good example to my friends and youth group members. And I can't let God or them down.
-How I've really been blessed with a gift, apparently. Even when I don't see it.
And that's about all I think I'll say for this post. God bless you all. Jesus loves you too.
You guys are pretty awesome. Love ya all! Talk to you soon. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
