Thank you, God.

Thank you.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green (slightly informal review)

I highly recommend The Fault in Our Stars, both to those searching for meaningful literature with a heart for honest, human characters, and those who have never yet felt a deep, personal connection to a novel. If you haven't a copy now, I'd recommend borrowing/buying one immediately.

(And if you know me personally, I should have two signed copies by January 18th.)

The Fault in Our Stars is John Green's (of YouTube's vlogbrothers) fourth solo work, following protagonist Hazel Grace Lancaster, a sardonic and literary teen with stage IV cancer in her thyroid and lungs, who begins begrudgingly attending a terribly depressing support group with a single redeeming presence (this presence being a young man by the name of Isaac, who has "fantastically improbable eye cancer"). Although content to reread her favorite novel, (the unfortunately fictional, as it seems it would beautifully follow the reading of this novel) An Imperial Affliction by Peter Van Houten in her room with little social interaction, Isaac's accompanying guest to support group, an immensely attractive young man by the name of Augustus Waters.

Overall, I have found little to criticize in The Fault in Our Stars. Some may find the characterization of a particular author in the novel (no spoilers) to be over-eccentric or contrived, but I would say to such arguments, that eccentric, angry, recluses existed before they were ever written into novels. As potentially unlikely as this character's inclusion may seem, his presence is not entirely impossible.

It's hard to write this review without giving spoilers. To say the least, I do not doubt for a second that TFiOS has the ability to make the most calculating and skeptical reader break down sobbing. If one has read any of John Green's work prior to this novel, one understands his incredible ability to create beautiful, witty, and brilliant characters. This incredible piece of literature is arguably his best work; Hazel and Augustus do not live simply within the pages of the novel, but are seated beside you throughout, narrating and conversing so honestly and so close, that the story is less like reading a book, but eavesdropping on your best friends. Their insights, on life, death, and love, are not the slightest bit contrived nor unoriginal, but raw, real, and wrought with philosophical depth.

I read the book in its entirety on the day which I received it, yet I would almost recommend taking a few days and a couple of "breathers" while reading, so as to take as much out of the experience of the book. It may only be a personal preference, but I feel as though taking longer to read a beautiful novel like this will produce a more powerful mark on one's thoughts, as Hazel, Augustus, Isaac, and their stories deserve.

How to reconcile the stupid things I do and everything else.

It seems I've lost the self-awareness that I once had. Or, perhaps, I am still self-aware, but my awareness lingers on the negative things I do, or, perhaps, my awareness has transferred to... well, I can't say a lot else. I'm still the same selfish, fallen, person I have always been. Yet I am older, but none the wiser, which I find highly unfortunate.

So again, I question myself. Why did I speak with whom I spoke to today? Do I truly long for friendship as I've ventured to attempt with the opposite gender? Or do I do what I do to satisfy some lesser need?

My meaning in life is to glorify God. And I know he wants us to be social. And I know these things are connected, even if it isn't always as simple as it should be to find the connection. So therein lies the question.

Do I intend to harm this person?

Absolutely not.

Will I harm him?

To be determined.

I feel a slight bit of harmful self-loathing and trapped feeling in this horrific cycle of selfishness, and I know the only solution is to focus on Christ. Perhaps His relationship with us. How sacrificial, how incredible, intense, true, loving, compassionate, graceful... My Lord, He did not live without meaning. He never sinned. He never hurt a human being.

And He still saved us, who have. Very much.

Me, who has. Very much. And to think, He sees us all as pure.

That's incredible.

I'm not. In the slightest. So I ask His forgiveness, and I know it's already been given. And I know I will change. I will. I'm not going to say "I can" or "I might". I have to be sure, now.

Tomorrow, at 8:30 PM, I will be someone with more love in my heart. I will. I will honor my Lord in all things that I do.

Just a thought about skylines.

I was feeling nostalgic as I stared at the skyline of Rochester, Minnesota this morning, and thinking about just how few buildings actually shone in the almost-sunrise, and how Los Angeles and San Diego seemed to go on forever in strings of light. Then I realized the majority of Rochester's morning lights were streetlights, lining the road, illuminating the path of the morning commuters to their destination. The streetlights showed evidence of people just as much as the buildings... people who cared, people who saw in the same, soft light, as they each took their individual journeys, together on one road.

Christmas 2011: Note.

I'm gonna write a series of entries based on/about a real vacation I just went on, and it's going to be done by the end of this week. It's a goal now, on to p of all the more important things I need to do. It might be posted here, or my story blog. Feel free to get on my case about it. Thanks, everyone.

Muddled Perspective[s?] (identity crisis #1 of 2012; disorganized entry, be warned.)

Hey, it's 2012. Happy New Year's.

It's time to start reflecting again. I think I was just so... deflective, trying to channel all my emotions into writing a terribly depressing and hopeless story that I gave no redemptive light. By all means, that one's going to change. The story's still in my heart, but it's going to be different next time around. My goal of one full draft by September of this year still stands. Regardless, I have a lot to write about, in a narrative fashion, but also in a reflective manner. I need to put my thoughts on something that I can look at, give to the internet, or better, on a page. But of course, technology makes me think this is faster, but clearly not more worthwhile. Yet I love all of you who read this blog, who think my thoughts count, who read and are genuinely interested in this indvidual who puts these thoughts up. Who are invested in me as a person, met, or unmet.

So thank  you for this.

I went on a fairly life-changing vacation of visiting my family in San Diego, CA over the past week, and I could write about that for so long. I don't want to put that off for long, but I do have some things I just need to put down here.

My life's been off-track for quite a while. I am a firm believer in Christ, I tried to follow him, but I was slipping up. I was starting to give into the lie that God could not possibly want me, that I was totally incapable of doing anything good for Him (which I am, but He is stronger and He is the one who leads me). I was bubbling with questions about everything, and wondering if/wishing that everything could just be true so I could go to sleep at night without knowing hell existed and that people I know and love and people I don't know and love in "Christian" way would be there. I was wondering if I could just open up my mind a little bit and let in some of these other philosophies mix in with the one I already took when I was four and five and eight.

I'd presume that certain Christians would say no, if it meant altering the Gospel and the core teaching of the Bible; I'd presume others might say there's nothing wrong with it. And I also wondered if there was a real right or wrong other than the socially defined.

So yes, those I know from church, perhaps psychology and sociology contributed to questions, but I thought they were good. See, I always lean on that idea that questions and doubts are good if they cause you to dig to find the truth. But I wasn't doing enough digging. Or perhaps not the right kind of digging. And I asked in my head and heart the question of the problem of suffering almost every week, if not more than that, and I arrogantly talked to my God. I read Orson Scott Card's first and second and a half of the third book of his "Ender" series, and questioned if I was Qing-Jao or Ender in how I saw God and approached him. I wondered right and wrong over and over and over.

I went on that trip, and came home and decided not to stress. And it could just be sleep-deprivation, but I definitely did stress. Rather than letting go, the questions I'd asked but put off just kind of piled in about an hour ago. And while I was on the phone with the ministry leader of the student ministry, Catalyst, that I wanted to start at my school, called me, he gave me the perspective I needed again. He asked me important questions.

What three words do I want to define me?

And so I try to do this now:

Christlike, Compassionate, Listener.

That's for this year. It does say a lot, I think, about me. And I don't want to compartmentalize my life. Everything in it affects everything else. I know that we take on roles and we act differently for each, but now I need to reconcile all those roles. Sociologically, you could say my "master status" is Christ-follower. Not for religion, but for what defines my whole self. Next, come the general roles of daughter, sister, friend, cousin, organization member... etc. Writer. Artist. I want to understand so much. And there's just so much to take in. And I don't want to end up thinking and not ever doing. So that, I suppose are some of my goals for the year. Reconcile the roles, the statuses, the actions, the thoughts behind them. Follow Christ above all.