An attempt to revive... (ventish. I'm sorry. :( ) You don't have to read.

I am so, so, so, so, SO, incredibly sorry that I haven't been updating lately. And I'll do special posts on my first week of school and summer at... some point. :-/ I'm really sorry. I'll try to generalize some stuff here. Thanks for watching my blog, though, you guys are so great. And if you haven't been... ^^' Well, I totally and completely understand.

Things have been fairly easy for me the past three days, and tommorrow, I leave school in the middle of the day to go on a trip to Wisconsin Dells with my family, and that'll be fun.

But I know a few people I'm sure don't have it that easy.

I'm wondering if my end-of-summer fears are becoming true. Except, there are no problems with school for me yet. I just... when I come home, I continue researching whatever I feel like that day, I keep on questioning, and sometimes I have negative thoughts about myself and my body, yet starting phy ed today has me quite reassured. But I need more than that in exercise.

And I'm so, so focused on myself. I need to get rid of that. And look at me complaining about me when I could be talking about more interesting and less self-depreceating (sp?) like summer and the first days of school... and maybe even my friends. I mean... *sigh*

I wish I could really help some, I mean, there are things that they're going through, that might not be as intense as I've heard from them or my other ones before, but I know a couple of them are pretty stressed out.

I'm so selfish when it comes to stuff. When I should be quiet and supportive, I'm talkative and overly peppy. When I know there are more important things in someone's life, all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. And possibly, they never will. I'm so, so selfish. Some of you may know, but I save so many tears for guilt. Maybe when they should be for someone else's pain. Rather than what may or may not be my own justified guilt.

But I'm scared. Of losing what I already have, I'm always scared of losing people, but usually, I'm scared of people dying. Some times during this summer, that fear consumed my thoughts. I had two dreams, one where someone very close to me, someone in my family, was dying, and another, where my principal died, and I was returning to school, the summer afterwards, and just hearing the news.

I could write an entire blog post about that, but this is different. Now, I'm fearing the loss of living people. I hated reading Melody Carlson's "Dark Blue" because it was just hard to read. The girl might have been misinterpreting a lot from her friend, and overreacting a little, but the concept, drifting apart from your best friend, it was painful. "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson was painful, utterly painful, because it dealt with the negative pressures the girls put on each other, and their ultimate seperation.

I can't live paralyzed by fear, and I have give everything up to God, but I just hate considering... certain possibilities. I'm just so, too, dependent on people sometimes... on relationships sometimes... okay, all the time. I'll be downright honest, I am so utterly dependent on relationships. And on routines I have. And I can be pretty dang pathetic and insensitive a lot when it comes to some things and I just can't stand it most times. I acknowledge my behavior, but sometimes I wonder if I can change. I know I can, in God's strength. But I need help. I need His help. Through God I can do all things. And in His strength I can do anything. But I have to trust Him. I have to. My faith is key in everything I do, GOD is key in everything I do... God is always here.

Believers, if you could pray for my friends, I'm not going to go into detail about them, because I have several friends who need help with several things, if possible. And thank you all my readers for your support and readership. God bless you all. Love you all. Thanks so much again.