Response.

No apologies this time for not posting. And yet I say I'm sorry. First downright freaking honest entry I've ever written.
(my response to this entry and the events within it)

http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html

Life just goes on, as I listen to the whole story of today. There's tragedy, and in the midst of that, humor in other everyday situations, maybe to keep us anchored so we don't get buried in grief. I wouldn't know.

Everywhere, death is just everywhere. Our young men and women die in wars. We die in car accidents. We die from illness, and accidents of other kinds, we die from accidental poisoning... but the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24 in Minnesota (at least), is suicide.

It's been all over this year. Every week, it seemed, someone in the middle school in the next town over killed themselves, or in high school, or they died in a car accident, or any variety of things. But suicide. Thirty-something fathers with 12 and 8 year olds. Sick men in desperate pain. An 8th grade girl. Valedictorians of high schools. These are the people I've heard of dying this way this year.

I cannot imagine what it's like to be left behind in a situation such as this. I'm praying for the families.

I made a new friend today. He's tried to do this to himself so many times... self-injured from elementary school age. Fortunately, he's not trying to do this anymore. He shared so much with me about his life. This friend of mine also helped out so many of his other friends with this. I've had friends who've tried this. Even I've considered it. At least two people related to me have considered it.

I understand why we ask God why. Why, why, why, why, why, why. To all the questions Job asked God, he responded with all of the incredible, beautiful things that He does in creation, with his own questions... I remember the first time I read Job 38-42. It was at a prayer night for youth group, where the leader told us to find a spot in the room, and that it was okay for us to get angry at God, to let out all our emotions to Him--How Davi'ds Psalms were often about sorrow, and those were prayers to God. He was honest.

That first time, I had prayed briefly, emotionally, about those who died. But moreso, I prayed about those who had survived, whose lives were so difficult, and what made them difficult was written on every step they took, everything families had to do for people, the people I knew who were in great pain, and whose lives were just so hard. Because at that time, I'd been wondering if it was worse to live in misery than to die. I didn't have any personal experience. I had just been wondering.

And now I must pray these things, reread these chapters for those who are suffering loss and grief now. God, Lord, God, there's so much loss! Why on earth are you letting this happen?!

In Job 38-42, God questions Job after Job,who has lost virtually everything that he considered valuable in his life (children, sustenance, health, has a somewhat unsupportive seeming wife, and friends who might not understand), questions him. In these questions, he overwhelms Job with his majesty and mystery and power. When the Lord is done with this speech, Job responds like this:

Job 42
Job
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”

And this is what happens next:

Epilogue
7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” 9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[m] and a gold ring.

12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.

In spite of all that God did for Job, all that he said and did, it still, truly, honestly, does not make it easier. What I've gotten from these verses, from chapters 38-42 of Job, is that God is simply beyond us. We will ask why all we want, and we will never comprehend the answer. And yet, God will continue to bless us.

All through tonight, I've read ponderings that God is ineffective, been around those who believe he doesn't exist, or aren't sure, and who go on, and seen girls cry, heard of my closest friend crying, over this recent tragedy. And God... it's written also, that God will wipe away our every tear in the end of times. And that Jesus cares for the broken.

A song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

But it's so hard. It's so hard not to understand, and to accept that. It's so EASY to just say that God is a horrible god, that He should step in, and if he really was as powerful as it was written that He was, then He would step in and stop this .... from happening. But I can't do that. Because I know it's not true. But it would be so easy. I cannot imagine, simply cannot imagine, the pain of this young man's family and friends right now. It seems death is becoming much more common these days, all around. So many people are grieving, in so much pain. I can only pray that God will give me the strength to help these people, even if it's just an ear to lend them, or just to be silent, or just to not talk if that's what is needed.

For all those who pray, please pray for this young man's family and friends. For peace, without guilt, without all these overwhelming questions. Thank you.

God bless.

-Alison