Why.
I mean, I'm trying... I'm trying REALLY, REALLY hard not to crush on anyone right now. And I'm maintaining REAL FRIENDSHIPS with guys for the first time... well, probably since I had hormones that went all "woooobooooooooyyys" back in like, fifth grade. Or so.
But guys like me. And they tell me they like me. And I don't want to tell them, "I'm sorry, but I'm trying not to date anyone this academic year! And I'm immature! And I'm probably going to end up liking someone else while dating you! And..."
I'm just a terrible person. T.T' I think... I know... I sound really full of myself right now. And quite mean. I know I hurt someone very badly this year, but we're just finally overcoming it.
And then someone else this summer (again) confessed his feelings for me. Someone I've never told you, the blogosphere, about. I don't really know what to code-name him. And he has a tendency to like me and a couple of my friends at certain times. And (again) I had to reject him.
And now a friend who's been chatting with me more lately on the internet likes me. And I rejected him too. I feel like the worst person ever, except, to be entirely honest... I just feel like I SHOULD feel like I'm the worst person ever.
I look back at my old blogs, and at all my stupidity with guys back then ("Jared" and "Mark" and such) I just... I don't know. I KNOW better now. But these are the nice guys. The really, really sweet ones. Who consider me just nerdy enough to talk to. Who confide in me and tell me about their lives and invite our friends and me to be in their movies, and who visit and buy things and say the nicest compliments...
There is literally nothing wrong with any guy (the exception being Jared) who has ever asked to date me/dated me. But I can't just say... gosh. I can't... I just... gahhhh. I think I'm making myself look like someone who's afraid of commitment. And maybe I am.
But for once, I've honestly kept myself from developing a hardcore crush on anyone for the longest time. I am making friends with people of the opposite gender, beginning to feel like I can confide in them, even. Maybe not to that point YET, but I'm beginning to see the majority of guys that I'm getting closer to, like I've always wanted, simply as human beings. Not people I want to date or kiss or go to dances with or make out in movie theaters with. Just as human beings with social desires like my own, with personal lives and interesting thoughts and who are just overall fun to hang out with and joke around with. Just people. Like girls. And even girls have been questionable to me, quite honestly. Interpret that as you will. Another post would likely be necessary to explain.
Regaardless, I'm just feeling pretty mean and awkward right now. I just wish things could work out like I wanted them to, for once.
I mean, I'm trying... I'm trying REALLY, REALLY hard not to crush on anyone right now. And I'm maintaining REAL FRIENDSHIPS with guys for the first time... well, probably since I had hormones that went all "woooobooooooooyyys" back in like, fifth grade. Or so.
But guys like me. And they tell me they like me. And I don't want to tell them, "I'm sorry, but I'm trying not to date anyone this academic year! And I'm immature! And I'm probably going to end up liking someone else while dating you! And..."
I'm just a terrible person. T.T' I think... I know... I sound really full of myself right now. And quite mean. I know I hurt someone very badly this year, but we're just finally overcoming it.
And then someone else this summer (again) confessed his feelings for me. Someone I've never told you, the blogosphere, about. I don't really know what to code-name him. And he has a tendency to like me and a couple of my friends at certain times. And (again) I had to reject him.
And now a friend who's been chatting with me more lately on the internet likes me. And I rejected him too. I feel like the worst person ever, except, to be entirely honest... I just feel like I SHOULD feel like I'm the worst person ever.
I look back at my old blogs, and at all my stupidity with guys back then ("Jared" and "Mark" and such) I just... I don't know. I KNOW better now. But these are the nice guys. The really, really sweet ones. Who consider me just nerdy enough to talk to. Who confide in me and tell me about their lives and invite our friends and me to be in their movies, and who visit and buy things and say the nicest compliments...
There is literally nothing wrong with any guy (the exception being Jared) who has ever asked to date me/dated me. But I can't just say... gosh. I can't... I just... gahhhh. I think I'm making myself look like someone who's afraid of commitment. And maybe I am.
But for once, I've honestly kept myself from developing a hardcore crush on anyone for the longest time. I am making friends with people of the opposite gender, beginning to feel like I can confide in them, even. Maybe not to that point YET, but I'm beginning to see the majority of guys that I'm getting closer to, like I've always wanted, simply as human beings. Not people I want to date or kiss or go to dances with or make out in movie theaters with. Just as human beings with social desires like my own, with personal lives and interesting thoughts and who are just overall fun to hang out with and joke around with. Just people. Like girls. And even girls have been questionable to me, quite honestly. Interpret that as you will. Another post would likely be necessary to explain.
Regaardless, I'm just feeling pretty mean and awkward right now. I just wish things could work out like I wanted them to, for once.
No comments:
Post a Comment