I just read my most recent posts here.
It has been quite a while since I've written anything here and I have no plans of deleting this blog or anything of the like, but I do have to say that I will not likely be actively active here again anytime soon. Seeing as this has become an echo chamber useful to only myself for when I may decide to write a memoir of my life, I still feel the need to bring any readers (including my future self) up to date with my life at this time.
The relationship with aforementioned person in my August 2012 and 2013 posts is still going. And it's going very well. We are still connected, in so many intimate ways and I could have never asked for a better romantic and every other kind of partner. It's funny, given the history I did outline in those previous posts. But we're making it on our second year already and that is quite remarkable; I had no idea that I'd written of our early relationship online while it was going on, and that was really interesting for me.
This return to journaling is partially inspired by This Star Won't Go Out, the compilation of journal entries and such of Esther Earl, nerdfighter and friend of John Green, to whom his novel, The Fault in Our Stars was dedicated to. It would be out of the John Green spirit to say she is all inspiring and the like as a sick person or the like but that is not why I am inspired by her. She was committed to her story and telling it and knowing it and being present and being empathetic and being a truly genuine and caring human being and that is something I aspire to be. And I've been really aching to write lately, so a daily journal might be one way to go about that. And it might even help me to actually develop a good habit for once.
I might do the writing here, or on one of my tumblogs, or on paper, in one of my many physical diaries.
I didn't write any resolutions for this year. But I'm okay with that. My actual expectations of myself lately have been sort of low for a variety of reasons. I suppose I could go off on the significant events of the previous year:
-I stopped trying to be in the nursing program for my parents, after many awful arguments and much emotional turmoil
-I entered the Human Services program instead
-I got a shitty (HAHAHAAAAAAAAAA) intestinal infection called c. diff in November
-It sucked but now I might be okay-ish but we'll see uggghhh
-C diff is probably the most important thing because....
-...I was also sort of officially diagnosed with anxiety (nothing specific, just anxiety, so uh, thanks, psych professionals; I'm thinking it's probably a mild-moderate GAD) last summer (by MMPI, I believe)
-...and Actual Health Things (tm) make me superfuckinganxious and paranoid and set off hypochondria (and I'm a pretty devoted hypochondriac regardless)
-I did not lose my virginity (like the particular virginity everyone associates with virginity anyway)
-As implied by the parenthetical of the previous statement, I did commit some sexual acts, however
-I stopped working at McDonald's (but I never officially quit working there... heh. greatest regrets.)
-I started working at a grocery store and a tea store (a national chain)
-KINKS!!! I guess I have some! Sometimes!
-I got a yeast infection
-haha that's not important
-I lost my wallet twice and obtained three debit cards through various issues involving lost wallets and potential Target store fraud
-I obsessed over my intestines due to c diff and my dad's intestinal issues and i mean mostly because of c diff and paranoia and hypochondria and anxiety
-I tried some alternative medicine stuff
-Most of my recent months have involved a surprising focus on my bowels seriously it's pretty unexciting
-In other news, I got my wisdom teeth out
-I cooked and baked vegan things
-I cooked and baked gluten free things
-I cooked and baked gluten free vegan things
-Very recently, I momentarily considered the Paleo diet
-Most of my cooking and baking happened right after getting my wisdom teeth out and when I believed I was relapsing from c diff and over my winter break
-I became surprisingly close to someone I only thought of as a middle school ex and now see more realistically
-I became less of an asshole, mostly because of "toxic social justice warriors"
-I became less of an asshole but also more of an asshole
-I became the least religious I've ever been in my entire life
-I no longer fear or really concretely believe in hell, at least as the most common Christian interpretation of it or any interpretation of it
-I'm okay with all this
-...but I wasn't too long ago, as evidenced by the hours ensuing after seeing, of all things, the movie "This is the End" (in which I cried hysterically in a McDonald's parking lot and allowed my boyfriend to comfort me in the most wonderful and affirming ways)
-apocalyptic shit is still a little unsettling for me but I don't believe in hell really
-I actually think I can listen to people now without jumping in with my own input, very much due to (surprisingly!), a class I had to take for my major
-...even so, I still kind of contribute to conversations more than I need to
-But I'm actually developing listening skills and that is something I've wanted for a goddamn while
-I don't know if I'm going to make it through 8+ years of schooling for a fucking doctorate in Clinical Psychology
-But I don't know what else to do really
-A friend of mine from elementary school gave birth (a couple of days ago from this one, actually) and I saw her and her boyfriend/her baby's father and it is quite a thing to know parents and think that one day I might also be a parent and have people walk into a room with just me and my child and the father of my child and have them feel like they're interrupting our time together even though said boyfriend really hates babies
-I have gone through wanting children very much (through adoption and one biological birth), not wanting children at all (because my potential partner and I have fantastically shitty genes in regards to addiction development and mental health and several other factors but honestly mostly those), to wanting to avoid pregnancy only, then back to the first once again
-I went through a period of writing my story like an actual novel and it was fucking incredible
-...the journal that had the most important bulk of that writing is now somewhere lost in Los Angeles in my sister's house
-I went to Los Angeles to visit my sister!!!! for her college graduation!!! With my Dad!!!
-I tried drinking and smoking (...and yeah i mean both mainstream ideas of what smoking implies although the less legal one didn't have as much of an effect on me and it was an exceptionally boring yet like i guess kind of sort of entertaining a little time with me watching the other two people i was with throwing orange peels at each other and racing each other in the yard and laughing hysterically while i was getting none of it. anyway yeah srry)
-I liked drinking and smoking
-I don't do either now
-For reasons
-I wrote a fucking terrible letter to my boyfriend's dad after something happened
-I have been continuously impressed by the evolution of people's relationships
-i have been continuously impressed by the evolution of people
-I have also been impressed by how people choose to stay ignorant
-and how they come up with amazing reasons to be an asshole about basic human dignity sort of things
-I made two good friends, one of them being the aforementioned ex and another being someone I met at Pride in my city
-I became the co-president of a Gay-Straight Alliance
-I finally fucking self-defined as queer/bi/pansexual somewhere
-I have now self-defined as queer on two websites
-Don't tell my parents~~~
-I got pretty defined in my music taste
-It's primarily The Mountain Goats, Death Cab for Cutie, and occasional bouts of nostalgic and unironic listening to the shit I listened to in middle school
-And sometimes other stuff
-I stopped talking to a good friend because she was racist in a Facebook comment on my page
-It was probably a bad idea
-I continue to feel behind my peers but in new and exciting ways
-Most of my best friends are currently in "real college"
-Except for a few of them, but we don't talk nearly enough and haven't formally hung out the entire year, which is rather sad
-I have kind of accepted my selfishness (thank Goooooooooooood but i mean, I still feel guilty as hell sometimes, but I also acknowledge more often how I use those feelings to look how I interpret socially acceptable to look. which is odd)
-I am a strong existentialist as far self-construction of meaning and reality goes
-I have learned some things about psychological states that I wouldn't have otherwise learned
-I didn't write anything for NaNoWriMo.
-I had a phase of making out in my/E(romantic partnerrrrr/boyfriend)'s car
-It was quite the phase
-I stopped being all angsty for a while after not being in classes I couldn't stand
-It is surprising how those things work.
-I still have a lot to do before I can count myself as an adult
-Also, I have kind of partially diagnosed ADHD which really explains some of my shitty as shitfuck organization habits and procrastination AND anxiety AND depression
-...which was also diagnosed last summer but is fairly mild and seems pretty secondary to the other two sort-of diagnoses
-I still feel weird as hell saying that there is something diagnosable in my mind that effects my mental processes after years of being fascinated with what I found to be "interesting" mental illnesses and sort of "othering" people in that way
-and it's not so much the stigma as I just don't often feel like I should be able to label myself because I still kind of feel like there's no reason for the way I've acted and thought at times
-but i mean, that's kind of the point because the reason is fucked up neurotransmitters and shit
-so I mean, I guess i have as much a right as any other person with mental illness to say that I have them and it effects me and whatnot
-And so I now continue to struggle with accepting personal responsibility for my actions
-Because I'm kind of a dick
-I spent a lot of money this year on things I didn't need to
-I keep spending a lot of money very frivolously
-I haven't had an eat my brains out crush on a person in a while
-I've pretty much only passionately liked and loved E that way this year which is a welcome and refreshing surprise
-...but I have HAD feelings and they have occasionally complicated things
-But they aren't currently a major concern
- Technically, E and I did make a lot of friends this year, actually
-They were and are underclassmen from high school
-Many of them are graduating high school this year and will be leaving us behind
-I am sad about that
-I will miss them very much
This is as good as any place to stop, given that it is 2:37 AM and I do need to get up and get ready for things at some point tomorrow before 11 hopefully. So. That's that.
I love you, whoever reads this. Thanks for who you are.
It has been quite a while since I've written anything here and I have no plans of deleting this blog or anything of the like, but I do have to say that I will not likely be actively active here again anytime soon. Seeing as this has become an echo chamber useful to only myself for when I may decide to write a memoir of my life, I still feel the need to bring any readers (including my future self) up to date with my life at this time.
The relationship with aforementioned person in my August 2012 and 2013 posts is still going. And it's going very well. We are still connected, in so many intimate ways and I could have never asked for a better romantic and every other kind of partner. It's funny, given the history I did outline in those previous posts. But we're making it on our second year already and that is quite remarkable; I had no idea that I'd written of our early relationship online while it was going on, and that was really interesting for me.
This return to journaling is partially inspired by This Star Won't Go Out, the compilation of journal entries and such of Esther Earl, nerdfighter and friend of John Green, to whom his novel, The Fault in Our Stars was dedicated to. It would be out of the John Green spirit to say she is all inspiring and the like as a sick person or the like but that is not why I am inspired by her. She was committed to her story and telling it and knowing it and being present and being empathetic and being a truly genuine and caring human being and that is something I aspire to be. And I've been really aching to write lately, so a daily journal might be one way to go about that. And it might even help me to actually develop a good habit for once.
I might do the writing here, or on one of my tumblogs, or on paper, in one of my many physical diaries.
I didn't write any resolutions for this year. But I'm okay with that. My actual expectations of myself lately have been sort of low for a variety of reasons. I suppose I could go off on the significant events of the previous year:
-I stopped trying to be in the nursing program for my parents, after many awful arguments and much emotional turmoil
-I entered the Human Services program instead
-I got a shitty (HAHAHAAAAAAAAAA) intestinal infection called c. diff in November
-It sucked but now I might be okay-ish but we'll see uggghhh
-C diff is probably the most important thing because....
-...I was also sort of officially diagnosed with anxiety (nothing specific, just anxiety, so uh, thanks, psych professionals; I'm thinking it's probably a mild-moderate GAD) last summer (by MMPI, I believe)
-...and Actual Health Things (tm) make me superfuckinganxious and paranoid and set off hypochondria (and I'm a pretty devoted hypochondriac regardless)
-I did not lose my virginity (like the particular virginity everyone associates with virginity anyway)
-As implied by the parenthetical of the previous statement, I did commit some sexual acts, however
-I stopped working at McDonald's (but I never officially quit working there... heh. greatest regrets.)
-I started working at a grocery store and a tea store (a national chain)
-KINKS!!! I guess I have some! Sometimes!
-I got a yeast infection
-haha that's not important
-I lost my wallet twice and obtained three debit cards through various issues involving lost wallets and potential Target store fraud
-I obsessed over my intestines due to c diff and my dad's intestinal issues and i mean mostly because of c diff and paranoia and hypochondria and anxiety
-I tried some alternative medicine stuff
-Most of my recent months have involved a surprising focus on my bowels seriously it's pretty unexciting
-In other news, I got my wisdom teeth out
-I cooked and baked vegan things
-I cooked and baked gluten free things
-I cooked and baked gluten free vegan things
-Very recently, I momentarily considered the Paleo diet
-Most of my cooking and baking happened right after getting my wisdom teeth out and when I believed I was relapsing from c diff and over my winter break
-I became surprisingly close to someone I only thought of as a middle school ex and now see more realistically
-I became less of an asshole, mostly because of "toxic social justice warriors"
-I became less of an asshole but also more of an asshole
-I became the least religious I've ever been in my entire life
-I no longer fear or really concretely believe in hell, at least as the most common Christian interpretation of it or any interpretation of it
-I'm okay with all this
-...but I wasn't too long ago, as evidenced by the hours ensuing after seeing, of all things, the movie "This is the End" (in which I cried hysterically in a McDonald's parking lot and allowed my boyfriend to comfort me in the most wonderful and affirming ways)
-apocalyptic shit is still a little unsettling for me but I don't believe in hell really
-I actually think I can listen to people now without jumping in with my own input, very much due to (surprisingly!), a class I had to take for my major
-...even so, I still kind of contribute to conversations more than I need to
-But I'm actually developing listening skills and that is something I've wanted for a goddamn while
-I don't know if I'm going to make it through 8+ years of schooling for a fucking doctorate in Clinical Psychology
-But I don't know what else to do really
-A friend of mine from elementary school gave birth (a couple of days ago from this one, actually) and I saw her and her boyfriend/her baby's father and it is quite a thing to know parents and think that one day I might also be a parent and have people walk into a room with just me and my child and the father of my child and have them feel like they're interrupting our time together even though said boyfriend really hates babies
-I have gone through wanting children very much (through adoption and one biological birth), not wanting children at all (because my potential partner and I have fantastically shitty genes in regards to addiction development and mental health and several other factors but honestly mostly those), to wanting to avoid pregnancy only, then back to the first once again
-I went through a period of writing my story like an actual novel and it was fucking incredible
-...the journal that had the most important bulk of that writing is now somewhere lost in Los Angeles in my sister's house
-I went to Los Angeles to visit my sister!!!! for her college graduation!!! With my Dad!!!
-I tried drinking and smoking (...and yeah i mean both mainstream ideas of what smoking implies although the less legal one didn't have as much of an effect on me and it was an exceptionally boring yet like i guess kind of sort of entertaining a little time with me watching the other two people i was with throwing orange peels at each other and racing each other in the yard and laughing hysterically while i was getting none of it. anyway yeah srry)
-I liked drinking and smoking
-I don't do either now
-For reasons
-I wrote a fucking terrible letter to my boyfriend's dad after something happened
-I have been continuously impressed by the evolution of people's relationships
-i have been continuously impressed by the evolution of people
-I have also been impressed by how people choose to stay ignorant
-and how they come up with amazing reasons to be an asshole about basic human dignity sort of things
-I made two good friends, one of them being the aforementioned ex and another being someone I met at Pride in my city
-I became the co-president of a Gay-Straight Alliance
-I finally fucking self-defined as queer/bi/pansexual somewhere
-I have now self-defined as queer on two websites
-Don't tell my parents~~~
-I got pretty defined in my music taste
-It's primarily The Mountain Goats, Death Cab for Cutie, and occasional bouts of nostalgic and unironic listening to the shit I listened to in middle school
-And sometimes other stuff
-I stopped talking to a good friend because she was racist in a Facebook comment on my page
-It was probably a bad idea
-I continue to feel behind my peers but in new and exciting ways
-Most of my best friends are currently in "real college"
-Except for a few of them, but we don't talk nearly enough and haven't formally hung out the entire year, which is rather sad
-I have kind of accepted my selfishness (thank Goooooooooooood but i mean, I still feel guilty as hell sometimes, but I also acknowledge more often how I use those feelings to look how I interpret socially acceptable to look. which is odd)
-I am a strong existentialist as far self-construction of meaning and reality goes
-I have learned some things about psychological states that I wouldn't have otherwise learned
-I didn't write anything for NaNoWriMo.
-I had a phase of making out in my/E(romantic partnerrrrr/boyfriend)'s car
-It was quite the phase
-I stopped being all angsty for a while after not being in classes I couldn't stand
-It is surprising how those things work.
-I still have a lot to do before I can count myself as an adult
-Also, I have kind of partially diagnosed ADHD which really explains some of my shitty as shitfuck organization habits and procrastination AND anxiety AND depression
-...which was also diagnosed last summer but is fairly mild and seems pretty secondary to the other two sort-of diagnoses
-I still feel weird as hell saying that there is something diagnosable in my mind that effects my mental processes after years of being fascinated with what I found to be "interesting" mental illnesses and sort of "othering" people in that way
-and it's not so much the stigma as I just don't often feel like I should be able to label myself because I still kind of feel like there's no reason for the way I've acted and thought at times
-but i mean, that's kind of the point because the reason is fucked up neurotransmitters and shit
-so I mean, I guess i have as much a right as any other person with mental illness to say that I have them and it effects me and whatnot
-And so I now continue to struggle with accepting personal responsibility for my actions
-Because I'm kind of a dick
-I spent a lot of money this year on things I didn't need to
-I keep spending a lot of money very frivolously
-I haven't had an eat my brains out crush on a person in a while
-I've pretty much only passionately liked and loved E that way this year which is a welcome and refreshing surprise
-...but I have HAD feelings and they have occasionally complicated things
-But they aren't currently a major concern
- Technically, E and I did make a lot of friends this year, actually
-They were and are underclassmen from high school
-Many of them are graduating high school this year and will be leaving us behind
-I am sad about that
-I will miss them very much
This is as good as any place to stop, given that it is 2:37 AM and I do need to get up and get ready for things at some point tomorrow before 11 hopefully. So. That's that.
I love you, whoever reads this. Thanks for who you are.
1 comment:
Aly. It's dibsy. It's been FOR EVER. Reading this made me cry. It's been so long. :( I'm feeling so nostalgic right now.
Please, if you have an instagram, I'm @thegoatgurl_. And my number is 18187267360. I miss you and this whole community. I don't know when or how you'll see this, but I'm waiting. I love you!!!
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