Alright, I neglected talking about all the other events in June that have gone on, and toward the end of the schoolyear. There are a lot of them, lots of fun stuff. That I could go into detail on. I might later.
I was looking over my blog, looking at the 2008 posts, and decided to see if there was another one from this date last year, June 28. And so I did, and I was amazed. I was just... sobered. Because I've changed so much in a year, and not in a good way. I've heard all of this stuff lately, celebrity death, death of friends, watching intense fiction that involves death and pain and it's just... nothing gets to me anymore. My friends who are most likely to have issues or do, I neglect calling them, just to talk. Not that I don't pray for those who are in pain.
I was so spiritually mature last year. On June 28, 2008, I wrote about a night a remember, about my friend "Sam 2", and he was having a hard time, and how much I cared for him, how much God was so prominent and amazing, a wonderful Creator, a friend, a Healer. Something broke me sometime, I don't know what... well, maybe I do. I'm so dang selfish, I can't stand it. I'd rather, no offense to anyone, be miserable and empathetic like I was a few years ago, where every little hint of hurt in another person's life could make me cry and pray and want to help, and I hated myself while desperately hoping for others, than be selfish and unable to crack. I save tears for guilt. I've been like that for a while, even back then. Guilt, guilt, guilt, I haven't even felt that guilty in a while. I wish I did, because that would mean I care.
Last night, while watching Slumdog Millionaire, I had started to feel a little sick to my stomach, but it had nothing to do with the movie. When my dad or brother tried to say something about the sad things in the movie, and everything, I told them to be quiet, and watched, and rather than feeling horrible for the little boy who was blinded by the sick men who were teaching all these orphans how to beg, I was burning angry, wishing for retribution for the man and his accomplices. And as other graphic and terrible images and fictional memories that could be very real in real India appeared, I was just in a numb, saddish shell. How could that happen? I was still more angry though... I don't know, this had more logic when I thought it... I just didn't have the right emotional reaction.At least I thought I didn't. Now I do, I know how horrible it is. And I really want to do something to help out those who have lives like Jamal, Salim, and Latika's, in India, and wherever else. But immediately, I didn't react right or maybe not at all. I couldn't watch the men blind the boy, though... That was too horrible.
Regardless, that's just my reaction to fiction. There have been a ton of celebrity deaths lately, but that's not what got me. A friend of mine told me about her friends, who had lost four friends of theirs. She gave me a link to their local news. Five teens were in a car accident, with a man who might have been under the influence of alcohol, one teen, the driver in the car with the five, in critical condition, being the only survivor in that vehicle, and the man who hit them. He had minor, non-life-threatening injuries. How unfair, how terrible, how horrible, miserable, sad, that is... I just feel kind of heavy now, though I know people die everyday. It's just sad. None of the teens were over 16. I'm praying for all of them.
I don't know what's happened to me. Doubt and questions were planted in me, and Satan and people are pulling me in all these directions. I think I get the part in Romans, where Paul writes on how the sinful nature and the Spirit are always in conflict within him. I think that's the way it is for a lot of Christians, but I feel it. I just want to do things right, and live the way God wants me to. I want to be confident in who I am and what I want to do. I want to be able to let go of things, and not judge wrongly or cruelly, and I want to be able to take responsibility, and to step up to the plate, and care and break and hurt...
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15
I don't want to be prideful, I want to be able to be corrected, and not argue, and yet still, not hold back when I SHOULD say something... man. This life... I've gotta change. So much. One day at a time, I guess. If you guys don't mind, I'd like to ask my believer friends, I have a prayer request: Could you pray for the friend and her friends I mentioned earlier, and another friend of mine who's done something and another who's moving to a new place soon? That would be so greatly appreciated.
I really appreciate all who visit my blog. You're amazing people. God bless all, and He loves you all, and I love you guys. :) Thanks for your kindness and readership. ^^
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4 comments:
*Hugs* Thank you. I know you have friends that read your blog, and if they are believers and will pray, I thank them, too.
I'll pray too. For your friends and everything.
The thing is, everyone changes. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. I know when I look back to last year, I've changed in a bad way as well.
However, you just have to keep trying. Things happen that are out of our control. Just remember- there will always be people waiting to help you. Never lose that thought. Ever.
Thank you so much, Lizzie. You are a really encouraging friend. I won't forget. *hugs* You're a great friend. :) Thank you for your prayer as well. :)
:) No problem.
:) <3 ^^
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