(reflection-y-rant-thing; probably serious) ...a person, not a problem.

That's what I'm trying to remind myself. Now that I think of it, that saying up there could be applied to a lot of things. Like one of the issues I seem to care so much about. Man, so many thought... just tumbling into another... It's always hard to focus on what I originally wanted to write about, once I get a thought-snowball like that.

I think I'll seperate my character flaws/whatever I should call them/negative thoughts into external and internal. External is stuff I could express out loud to someone that might be hurtful/frustrating/anger-inducing or what I do express out loud. Internal is a struggle that goes on within me, which could be self-exteem, or purely spiritual, like temptations, or just something that I personally think is screwed up in me.

I will admit, I can be really stupid and mean in my head. To other people. I would totally... well, I wouldn't kill, but I'd do something extreme just to be as sensitive as was about two to three years ago. Without being lost spiritually, anyway. I had the best empathy on earth. I guess I say that a lot, and that makes me think I'm whiney, like how I complain about my weight all the time, ignore how my friends say I'm not fat, and how I don't exercise hardly enough even after a day of enough snacks to match the three, carb-heavy, meals that I eat every day.

Sometimes I forget that my friends are more than just the issues that I see they have. I think that's the problem anyway. I can't find a balance, just like I can't with my self-perception. If I'm too friendly and ignore whatever's going on in their life and just don't say a word about it as I watch them go farther and farther from where they could, should, would be, it's just... not good. Sometimes we have to break our friends rules and intervene. Or at least try. And then if I'm too analytical or too talkative about their issues, they hate me for it. There is never a happy medium for the way I act. I cling to some friends. I never bring up whatever's going wrong in their life unless they do. I cling to some friends, and then I feel responsibility to others. If I don't talk to them in a while, I feel guilty, because what if their situation got worse? Or what if... what if, what if, what if. And it's like I'm not talking to them because I want to talk to them. And sometimes I'm like an information addict with my friends. A lot of the time, I'm curious at to what they have to say. And each time I find out something new about them, I have such a great feeling, like I'm more and more trusted. And then, I realize, I don't deserve trust, because I've betrayed their secrets before, even if it was just a crush, which it usually is. And then serious things, I don't let anyone else know. I have, I think, about two friends who willingly come to me with their problems and accept the words I say to them in response. It's not always just advice, sometimes it's just... I dunno. My responses. I feel so invasive sometimes. I know I am sometimes. Sometimes I'm genuinely concerned. Usually it's trivial things I'm invasive about, like boys and crushes. I try not to push so hard on serious issues. Only when they bring them up. They're people, not issues, not problems... these things either don't define them at all, or entirely make them who they are. If they're not taking charge, if they're not letting God in, or anyone else who tries to help.

I don't think I can be a co-dependent, because my family hasn't had the kind of issues that makes a person a co-dependent. Either that, or I'm ridiculously unorthodox. I don't fit all the symptoms either. I usually go up for personal responsibility when it comes to a person's actions, even if they have a mental disorder, which might ruin my chances of becoming a psychologist... I mean, things can be distorted when one has a disorder, but that doesn't mean one should not take responsibility for those actions. I don't even know where I got my basis, it's just my current thoughts. I wasn't always that way. But I'm such a hypocrite. What if... I just had something to blame on all of my wrong thoughts and actions? Not even another person, but just something within myself that "made" me act the way I did? What sick person wishes that? Even thinks of it? It's like sin--Satan tempts, but we commit the action of sin. No one, not even the evilest force "makes" us sin. It's just the way we are... and we have the choice, to bless or curse. To live or die spiritually.

I'll never wish this short life over before it's time again, but I just wish I could get a total mental makeover. I wish I could be the person who could balance, and the one that God wants me to be. I have to work though. Just like my whining problems, I've just gotta work... really, really hard.

Prayer requests again to my believing friends (You don't have to; it's just requests):

-My former piano-teaching friend in Kazahkstan, who is teaching English there. That she remains safe and reaches out the best way she can for the Lord in the country.
-A man who lost his cousin recently, to suicide. For the family and everyone.
-The country. We're lost, but we can be found again. That all will turn to God even more.

((Happy Late American Independence Day, guys. :) ))
And now I feel better after writing all this stuff. It wasn't good to write, but I feel better... I really do care about you guys, my friends. I love you guys so much. I'm amazed how you can put up with me all the time. You guys are the greatest people I've ever met, and I really don't know where I'd be without you. I thank God for you everyday.

And now to get serious. :-/ (Reflections and vents and what not...)

Alright, I neglected talking about all the other events in June that have gone on, and toward the end of the schoolyear. There are a lot of them, lots of fun stuff. That I could go into detail on. I might later.

I was looking over my blog, looking at the 2008 posts, and decided to see if there was another one from this date last year, June 28. And so I did, and I was amazed. I was just... sobered. Because I've changed so much in a year, and not in a good way. I've heard all of this stuff lately, celebrity death, death of friends, watching intense fiction that involves death and pain and it's just... nothing gets to me anymore. My friends who are most likely to have issues or do, I neglect calling them, just to talk. Not that I don't pray for those who are in pain.

I was so spiritually mature last year. On June 28, 2008, I wrote about a night a remember, about my friend "Sam 2", and he was having a hard time, and how much I cared for him, how much God was so prominent and amazing, a wonderful Creator, a friend, a Healer. Something broke me sometime, I don't know what... well, maybe I do. I'm so dang selfish, I can't stand it. I'd rather, no offense to anyone, be miserable and empathetic like I was a few years ago, where every little hint of hurt in another person's life could make me cry and pray and want to help, and I hated myself while desperately hoping for others, than be selfish and unable to crack. I save tears for guilt. I've been like that for a while, even back then. Guilt, guilt, guilt, I haven't even felt that guilty in a while. I wish I did, because that would mean I care.

Last night, while watching Slumdog Millionaire, I had started to feel a little sick to my stomach, but it had nothing to do with the movie. When my dad or brother tried to say something about the sad things in the movie, and everything, I told them to be quiet, and watched, and rather than feeling horrible for the little boy who was blinded by the sick men who were teaching all these orphans how to beg, I was burning angry, wishing for retribution for the man and his accomplices. And as other graphic and terrible images and fictional memories that could be very real in real India appeared, I was just in a numb, saddish shell. How could that happen? I was still more angry though... I don't know, this had more logic when I thought it... I just didn't have the right emotional reaction.At least I thought I didn't. Now I do, I know how horrible it is. And I really want to do something to help out those who have lives like Jamal, Salim, and Latika's, in India, and wherever else. But immediately, I didn't react right or maybe not at all. I couldn't watch the men blind the boy, though... That was too horrible.

Regardless, that's just my reaction to fiction. There have been a ton of celebrity deaths lately, but that's not what got me. A friend of mine told me about her friends, who had lost four friends of theirs. She gave me a link to their local news. Five teens were in a car accident, with a man who might have been under the influence of alcohol, one teen, the driver in the car with the five, in critical condition, being the only survivor in that vehicle, and the man who hit them. He had minor, non-life-threatening injuries. How unfair, how terrible, how horrible, miserable, sad, that is... I just feel kind of heavy now, though I know people die everyday. It's just sad. None of the teens were over 16. I'm praying for all of them.

I don't know what's happened to me. Doubt and questions were planted in me, and Satan and people are pulling me in all these directions. I think I get the part in Romans, where Paul writes on how the sinful nature and the Spirit are always in conflict within him. I think that's the way it is for a lot of Christians, but I feel it. I just want to do things right, and live the way God wants me to. I want to be confident in who I am and what I want to do. I want to be able to let go of things, and not judge wrongly or cruelly, and I want to be able to take responsibility, and to step up to the plate, and care and break and hurt...

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

-Romans 12:15

I don't want to be prideful, I want to be able to be corrected, and not argue, and yet still, not hold back when I SHOULD say something... man. This life... I've gotta change. So much. One day at a time, I guess. If you guys don't mind, I'd like to ask my believer friends, I have a prayer request: Could you pray for the friend and her friends I mentioned earlier, and another friend of mine who's done something and another who's moving to a new place soon? That would be so greatly appreciated.

I really appreciate all who visit my blog. You're amazing people. God bless all, and He loves you all, and I love you guys. :) Thanks for your kindness and readership. ^^