Happy New Year, here's a pathetic, mentally third-grader's vent.

((I'm really sorry for not updating. Everything's semi-anonymous just so I can get this off my chest. Happy New Year's, everyone.))

I must be a clingy child. I mean, it doesn't bother me when my best friend does stuff with her other friend, but with our other best friend? And not even think to include me? Why can't I just let it go?

I said I wanted to go see that movie with the two of them, even though I've already seen it. I SAID it to both of them. I mean, they live fifteen miles away, and it's cold out, and my dad was already in Rochester, and I just HAD to sleep in... gosh. And I mean, I couldn't force any of my friend to pick me up, because that would just be intruding. I'm not jealous, I'm just upset that they didn't even think to include me. Sometimes things don't work out, but... gosh, I'm acting like a child. I really am. Why should this matter? They live a ways away, and they never get to hang out with just the two of them... why can't I just leave them alone?

The thing is, about the internet, is I can fake that I'm fine but not really be it. But I told one friend how I really felt, and the other, I just gave one-word replies. Gosh, I'm so pathetic. I'm just gonna have to let this go. There's nothing that I could've done about it and it's not worth my getting upset over.

But that doesn't mean I'm still not upset about it. I don't like holding grudges, and in my selfish state, I see there are ways I could've gone, but my parents don't want to go into town cuz it's too cold, and the roads are probably dangerous. And I guess it's all just a matter of selfishness. I'm still not too happy, though. :-/
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On New Year's Eve, I went to Rock the Clock. And it was awesome. The three bands I saw: Claret (amazing), Benson Wells (okay, but still good), and my favoriteish of the night, Camera Can't Lie (though we had to leave early when they came on. D:). Most of this time in between bands was spent dancing caffeinated, playing Band Hero (which is amazing) and talking and stuff.
One of the most surprising things was, however, that, after I halfway-joked that being in a band of some sort was one of my New Year's resolutions, "Sam 1" invited me, "Macy", and (I forgot what her codename was...) "Kay" to be in a band with him. I know he's only been playing guitar for a few months, but Macy's been playing bass forever, and Kay has the most incredible voice. If something actually comes out of this band attempt (I've been a few failed ones, most of them never got to the first meeting), I'd say she deserves lead vocalist. I'd say her gift calls for lead EVERYTHING if it comes to singing. But I still want to be a part, so I'll try to make good backup/lyrics (Macy and Sam 1 also have written songs, but I'll try to be useful), and maybe relearn piano so I could play a keyboard. Though what he said we really need is a synthesizer. I think that'd be cool too.
I'm hoping this works out. I'm not as serious about this as I could be, but I will be serious if I know this will be serious.

Anyway, resolutions:

1. Make my life right with God. Really, really, put my whole heart into my relationships with Him and focus on Him. Read His Word, and follow His plans, listen for Him, and most of all, act. Be loving, be compassionate. Listen. Do good. Imitate the fruits of the spirit until they are natural to me.
2. Finish "Interference" (my nanowrimo novel)
3. Be more sensitive. About everything. I personally think I've been too coarse lately about everything.
4. Be less inappropriate. (Something I really need to work on).
5. Let people talk.
6. Get on an exercise regimen. (Even if you say I'm skinny, I still need to get off my lazy butt and do something.)
7. Talk like it's 2 in the morning all the time.
8. Talk to all my friends.
9. Be more grateful, less moody, and less agressive. (really, these are a problem for me. T.T)
10. Live by the so-called motto: Love God and love others. Let your love of Him flow over to everyone around you.

Sorry I missed everything. D: Anyway, really late Merry Christmas, and really late Happy Thanksgiving. <3 I'm thankful for all of my friends who put up with my childishness and obnoxiousness and everythingelseness, my wonderful family who also has to do that and, like my friends, always support me. I thank the genuine people who actually correct me when I'm wrong instead of letting me go off and say stupid things, and my most wonderful boyfriend, Nathaniel. :) He is the most wonderful guy, and I am so blessed to have such a loving person like him by my side.
And most importantly, I thank God for this incredible year, and this incredible life of mine. Without Him, I am nothing.

And thank you to those who still find time to read this neglected piece of fail. ^^'

2009 was a good year. I'm hoping 2010 will go just as well, if not better. Thank you, Lord, for one more year. I love you all, and God bless.

(reflection-y-rant-thing; probably serious) ...a person, not a problem.

That's what I'm trying to remind myself. Now that I think of it, that saying up there could be applied to a lot of things. Like one of the issues I seem to care so much about. Man, so many thought... just tumbling into another... It's always hard to focus on what I originally wanted to write about, once I get a thought-snowball like that.

I think I'll seperate my character flaws/whatever I should call them/negative thoughts into external and internal. External is stuff I could express out loud to someone that might be hurtful/frustrating/anger-inducing or what I do express out loud. Internal is a struggle that goes on within me, which could be self-exteem, or purely spiritual, like temptations, or just something that I personally think is screwed up in me.

I will admit, I can be really stupid and mean in my head. To other people. I would totally... well, I wouldn't kill, but I'd do something extreme just to be as sensitive as was about two to three years ago. Without being lost spiritually, anyway. I had the best empathy on earth. I guess I say that a lot, and that makes me think I'm whiney, like how I complain about my weight all the time, ignore how my friends say I'm not fat, and how I don't exercise hardly enough even after a day of enough snacks to match the three, carb-heavy, meals that I eat every day.

Sometimes I forget that my friends are more than just the issues that I see they have. I think that's the problem anyway. I can't find a balance, just like I can't with my self-perception. If I'm too friendly and ignore whatever's going on in their life and just don't say a word about it as I watch them go farther and farther from where they could, should, would be, it's just... not good. Sometimes we have to break our friends rules and intervene. Or at least try. And then if I'm too analytical or too talkative about their issues, they hate me for it. There is never a happy medium for the way I act. I cling to some friends. I never bring up whatever's going wrong in their life unless they do. I cling to some friends, and then I feel responsibility to others. If I don't talk to them in a while, I feel guilty, because what if their situation got worse? Or what if... what if, what if, what if. And it's like I'm not talking to them because I want to talk to them. And sometimes I'm like an information addict with my friends. A lot of the time, I'm curious at to what they have to say. And each time I find out something new about them, I have such a great feeling, like I'm more and more trusted. And then, I realize, I don't deserve trust, because I've betrayed their secrets before, even if it was just a crush, which it usually is. And then serious things, I don't let anyone else know. I have, I think, about two friends who willingly come to me with their problems and accept the words I say to them in response. It's not always just advice, sometimes it's just... I dunno. My responses. I feel so invasive sometimes. I know I am sometimes. Sometimes I'm genuinely concerned. Usually it's trivial things I'm invasive about, like boys and crushes. I try not to push so hard on serious issues. Only when they bring them up. They're people, not issues, not problems... these things either don't define them at all, or entirely make them who they are. If they're not taking charge, if they're not letting God in, or anyone else who tries to help.

I don't think I can be a co-dependent, because my family hasn't had the kind of issues that makes a person a co-dependent. Either that, or I'm ridiculously unorthodox. I don't fit all the symptoms either. I usually go up for personal responsibility when it comes to a person's actions, even if they have a mental disorder, which might ruin my chances of becoming a psychologist... I mean, things can be distorted when one has a disorder, but that doesn't mean one should not take responsibility for those actions. I don't even know where I got my basis, it's just my current thoughts. I wasn't always that way. But I'm such a hypocrite. What if... I just had something to blame on all of my wrong thoughts and actions? Not even another person, but just something within myself that "made" me act the way I did? What sick person wishes that? Even thinks of it? It's like sin--Satan tempts, but we commit the action of sin. No one, not even the evilest force "makes" us sin. It's just the way we are... and we have the choice, to bless or curse. To live or die spiritually.

I'll never wish this short life over before it's time again, but I just wish I could get a total mental makeover. I wish I could be the person who could balance, and the one that God wants me to be. I have to work though. Just like my whining problems, I've just gotta work... really, really hard.

Prayer requests again to my believing friends (You don't have to; it's just requests):

-My former piano-teaching friend in Kazahkstan, who is teaching English there. That she remains safe and reaches out the best way she can for the Lord in the country.
-A man who lost his cousin recently, to suicide. For the family and everyone.
-The country. We're lost, but we can be found again. That all will turn to God even more.

((Happy Late American Independence Day, guys. :) ))
And now I feel better after writing all this stuff. It wasn't good to write, but I feel better... I really do care about you guys, my friends. I love you guys so much. I'm amazed how you can put up with me all the time. You guys are the greatest people I've ever met, and I really don't know where I'd be without you. I thank God for you everyday.

A poem.

I put this on my Facebook notes because whenever I "study" a certain issue, someone pops up in my head. She's on my heart right now, and man... I hope she's doing well today.

Her and Her Choices

Is that how she feels?
Miserable and depressed?
So full of regret?
Most take years to get this pain
Some months, some weaks, rarely days.
The pain, the hurt, the remorse, realization

What you've done is wrong.
Tragedy, tragedy, someone else is gone.
You were given mercy at the hands of mother dearest.
But you couldn't give the same.

I don't understand
Your pain, maybe shame.
I want to hold you there, and I pray for you.
All the time.
And many others like you.

Why didn't you tell me before?
Why didn't you?
Who told you to do this, or was the choice truly your own?
Why did you make this choice?

I wouldn't force you to do
Anything that would hurt you so badly.
You were so young.
You're still so young.
But I guess I'm still in shock.
Watching as a distant issue hit me right here.

You confessed, and others admitted
Other people they knew did the same.
Is this all so common?

I've watched the videos, heard the stories.
But I'll never know the pain.
I pray, I pray I won't at the very least.

Vicious acts committed before they even enter life.
Preventing them from doing so.
And watching him or her just... gone, in literal pieces.

Irony, irony, pain, horror, shock.
Those around you are treated better.
And you are left in pain, with your family-weary sarcasm and anger
Perhaps covering it up.
And you were brought to this.

Oh God, oh God, heal her, touch her heart, heal her.
Hold the child who never got a chance on bitter Earth.
Perhaps it was good for him or her.

You wouldn't have had to walk the halls of school.
Just church.
Perhaps been gone for a year without a warning.
I would worry, but then... I'd find things out.
I'd have supported you as much as possible.

You were so young, you're still so young.
To have to deal with this pain...

You left me with these thoughts,
This shock, but it's nothing
Like what you have to deal with.
God, hold her close and comfort her.
If she's asked, she's forgiven.

I listen watch and think about this issue
As if it's so far away.
I read testimonies of women,
Realize their hurt.
More and more, I want the cause gone.
Especially for you,
Because you put a face
On this for me.

My friend, I never knew you to be this kind
But I don't care any longer.
I'm here for you if you need me.
Give me a call.
God's here always.
Give Him a call.
Lift your family and your pain to Him.

Time may not heal all scars
But He certainly can.

More poetry.

To the Ones Who want to Reach the Hurting

Hey Mark,
And anyone else,
Who knows what I'm saying.


When you're watching
Your friends' hearts breaking
Hurting, pain, tears,
Anger,
Screaming, bitterness,
Pray for them, hope for healing, pray for healing.
Trust.

When you're watching,
Families ripped apart,
Even if its your own,
Don't give up hope.
Don't carry anything on your own.
You don't need to.

When they need
Someone to hold them,
Be there
With open arms.

Try not
To give advice
At a bad time.
Listen to them,
Be supportive,
No matter what.
Help them,
To make the right decision.
To go farther,
Past the pain.
But know,
As much as it stings,
And burns,
That you do not make their decisions.
That you cannot make them change,
Or make their situations change entirely.

Pray, pray for their lives,
Their hearts,
Families, their friends.
Time may not heal, but God truly does.
All scars can be gone,
And tears wiped away.

Don't lose faith, or hope,
Don't look at them so hopelessly.
Know that you
And they
Have it.

Love them infinitely, unconditionally,
Love them like the Lord does us.

Know you're not alone,
In caring for these broken people,
In our broken world.
We are broken too,
But Jesus makes us whole,
We are hurting too,
But I do not feel hopeless.

Give them love,
Be kind, caring, unconditionally loving,
Speak the words that need to be spoken.
No one is alone.

Me and My Flaws and Jared and My Brother and God and life and math tests

Let me start with Districts, the Christian conference I went to in Duluth this weekend. It was really, really awesome. I did learn a lot. I've gotta learn how to defend my faith better though. And... just learn how to be more consistent in my actions and what God wants me to do and who He wants me to be. I need to be more patient, less critical, less... erm, sometimes crudely humored. That's just an inconsistency thing. The whole James chapter 3 thing, taming the tongue and all that... important stuff.

Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...

I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.

Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.

Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )

Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.

My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*

I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.

Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.

Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.

I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.

My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.

I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.

Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.

But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.

I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.

And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.

So there's my first thing to improve:

LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)

and

LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO

And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.

There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.

But only in the segment that ran through the town.

Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...

Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:

-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.

My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.

And my dad came home safe and sound that night.

I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.

I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)

*huggles everyone*

Two posts in a row. I'm on a roll today! (Odd poetry and stuff)

Sorry for the lack of creativity in the titles. I will now write some random poetry.

Tell Me

I hate
Taking criticism
Sometimes
There's pride
I can't let go
Of what I wrote or thought or said
And become defensive or offended.
But I know I shouldn't.
I know when I should take it and the difference between constructive
And destructive
Criticism or insult.
But either way, please tell me
What you think.
Give me your opinion.
Or quote some scripture for me.
Insult me.
Make fun of me.
Just tell me.
I want to know.
I just want to know
What you think.
Maybe it shouldn't matter
It shouldn't affect me.
But the good things that affect me,
Will make me a more well-rounded person.
Make me listen better.
Humble me.
Even the bad
Will make me stronger in the end.
Just tell me everything you think.

Untitled

When I look at you,
I think of all the emotions
I felt for you
Why do I mess up things like this?
I just don't understand myself
But it doesn't matter anymore
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're doing good, I'm happy.
If you're covering up what's really inside, I understand.
Sometimes I don't want to believe this is really your personality.
But who am I to judge?
And if I truly cared for you, what would I do for you?
More notes would make you think I was strange, not that you already don't.
I'll try to understand you.
I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
I have a strane personality; I'm hard to understand, even to myself.
But I hope we can be friends.
We were at one point, and now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever think of me?
Or do you avoid me in your thoughts, just so you're avoiding me?
Will we ever get closer?
Should I even care?
It's for God I need to change.
It's for you I want to be softened.
And tougher at the same time.
You will never understand what I thought of you this year.
But it doesn't even matter.
I want to lead well, I want to be good.
I want to inspire, but God has to work through me, not on my own.
Follow Him, dear brother in Christ
I'll try not to be inconsistent anymore.
I have no right to criticize, I have no right to point out your flaws.
Especially when I need to focus yet on mine.
Keep on going with life, but fight the forces that lead you off the right path.
For your own good.
Live knowing He is there.
And that if you ever need another friend, I will jump at the chance.

Always There

I thank the Lord for you
Every single day
He is a wonderful God, and you are the ones He gave me to keep me in check.
You are the one I talk to when others bring me down
You are the one who give me encouragement on the times I need it
You could write an entire book about me, as I could for you.
You and I know each other far too well
You are always there for me
I hope I'm always there for you.
If I've ever failed you, which I'm sure I have, I'm sorry.
You put up with my demandingness, my bipolar self-esteem
You put up with me every single night.
You know how to listen, and when to talk and when not to.
You are just too amazing.
God, thanks for blessing me with such a great friend.

To All my Friends

All of you
Always listening
Always talking
On my nerves, or on my heart, on my mind
All the time.
I love you all.
I care for you in different ways
And never want to see you hurt
Though I have.
Many of you.
Dearest friends.
You are always in my prayers,
In my thoughts.
You never leave my mind.
Even when I feel I've failed you, you prove me wrong.
And when I actually do, you're always so loving
So forgiving.
I thank God for you too, my friends.
I'll never leave your side
He'll never leave your side.
You're in my life for a reason.
And I thank God for your presences
For your kindness and your openness and love.

OMC AN EXACT 2 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST!!!

Once again, I start with an apology. I'm really, really, REALLY sorry for not posting. I am REALLY not good with all this irregular posting, guys. I'm sorry. :(

*hug* You guys are still totally awesome for reading my blog.

Anyways, April 20. Things about today:

-It is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings
-It's the day I can go back to phone roleplaying with my friend
-It's... April 20th.

I have this book that has this story of Cassie Bernall from before she became a Christian again and everything, and it was written by her parents, and... *sigh* It was really good, but really sad. The whole situation is really, REALLY sad. That all those kids had to lose their lives that way. And the many more who have since then.

The roleplaying thing kind of pales in the Columbine situation. I really don't just wanna brush over that, but I sort of do. It reminds me of when I watched Hotel Rwanda for school, and how the UN got only the European/American/etc. tourists out and themselves to cover themselves up and didn't help the Rwandans until so much killing had already happened.

It's all incredibly sad, all of that. *sigh* I pray that the survivors are all doing well.
---
Continuing from my last post, I do think I'm done with liking Sam 1. He's got a girlfriend now, and she's nice enough, and I just don't think I can keep on going with that. Weird stuff happened (as in, his dad came over and talked to my dad over Sam 1's behavior, which isn't very nice or appropriate toward me and various other people), and I'm trying to just think of him as a regular person again. Not a "cardboard cut-out" of eighth grade crush. A guy who could be my friend, a guy who might be struggling with things that don't ever surface out from his crudely-humored shell at school. I'm trying to do that with all of his... friends... as well.

*sigh*

Easter.

Easter was pretty awesome. I loved my church service, and the song that one of the women in the church sang:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6LGSzNW9xU

It was sort of obvious that they were reaching out to the people who DIDN'T believe in Christ exactly, during the sermon. But I was okay with that.

I've been thinking a lot lately. The past couple of weeks, I thought too much. I really just... I had a bout of questioning. Lots of it. But I'm done with that. I don't mean to offend anyone with the song or what I write or anything. I really just know in my heart, that God is there. And all his laws are righteous and true.

Things that have spoken to me/inspired me/made me think/made me hopeful/etc. lately (within past week/Sunday/etc.):

-Post on one of the ASN D&D boards about "throwing stones" (like in the Bible, how Jesus told the crowd who were going to stone an unfaithful woman or something, and said "He without sin may throw the first stone", and how no one could...) It was kind of humbling, I think. I realize I'm too critical and overly "conservative" sometimes. Loving the sinner and not the sin has been easier said than done lately, to be brutally honest, which is a bad thing. And I can't be that way.
-The former atheist woman who shared her testimony to the Sunday School class yesterday. She was awesome... really awesome. People can be transformed so much.
-My Youth Pastor, even as he was getting somewhat "let go" by the church. He really knows what he's talking about. And he's so God-centered on this. I followed his struggle through my dad, who talks to him a lot. And he seemed so encouraged, so sure, of God's direction, so trusting, so faithful, even in such a difficult "season" as he's now put it. I thought that was pretty awesome.
-Leah's confirmation homework for confirmation. What (I think it was Martin Luther...) wrote about temptation:
"Casts doubt on revealed word (I say "Truth" in place of revealed word for some reason...)"
"Contradicts revealed word"
"Counter-promises revealed word"
It's really true, is what I've found... the way Satan works in temptation, the way temptation, even through ourselves, goes... it's pretty deep, pretty real. I've seen it. Every time I've gotten tempted to believe something that's wrong, that's just the way it goes. o.o
-People just being nice to me. Sam 1 being able to talk to me like a friend at Youth Group, and then not as much at school. But it's okay-ish.
-My dad mentioning again how the adults at my church think I'm a leader, a good encourager, a caring person... sometimes I feel like I don't fit that at all. And I never feel like I do. But knowing people see me that way, usually it scares me... but it really makes me want to keep aiming high. Not only because I don't want to fail them, but because I really want to care. And I really want to follow where God wants me to go, and be a good example to my friends and youth group members. And I can't let God or them down.
-How I've really been blessed with a gift, apparently. Even when I don't see it.

And that's about all I think I'll say for this post. God bless you all. Jesus loves you too.

You guys are pretty awesome. Love ya all! Talk to you soon. :)

I'm sorry, but this blog baby has been taken by blog protective services due to severe neglect.

First off, I'd like to say, YOU PEOPLE ARE AMAZING TO STILL BE READING MY BLOG AFTER I'VE SEVERELY NEGLECTED IT.

Which I now do consistently.

I am so, so, so, SO, sorry, guys. Commenters (sp?), you are amazing.

Thank you so much for sharing your opinions of my blog, and for being very encouraging. You guys are all great.
--------
So, I don't really feel very inclined to talk about political issues right now, though I did write some interesting poetry on Facebook today after coming home from a half-day at school.

Other than that, I was just looking over old blogs, gmail chats, and emails. Particularly the things that had to do with my totally screwed dating life as of last year.

I never really have been on what I've called an "official" date, but I suppose I've "dated".

I've had boyfriends.

I can't believe I'm talking about this right now. Just rereading what I did, my gosh. I suck. I sucked as a girlfriend, I sucked. I was terrible.
Whenever I look back in my middle school past and think of times when I didn't really like my life, I always looked to sixth grade, where I was pretty depressed and at zero self-esteem.

And now I realize why I don't like touching seventh grade again.

What I learned in sixth grade:

I am not alone.
I don't need to be miserable.
SELF-INJURY IS BADDD.
EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
(btw, I never actually tried those things; I just contemplated them quite frequently.)
Helping others is amazing.
God is there for me, made me, and He WILL always be there for me.
God really DOES save your life. (literally, He did, does, and will continue to do so.)

Seventh Grade:
I guess I just learned how to be the worst possible girlfriend on the face of the planet.

After I read "For Young Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhan and Lisa A. Rice (lovingly coined "the guy book" by my friends and I) for the first time, I realized how many mistakes I'd made that probably put down guys I knew very much. More particularly, a certain guy formally coded "Jared" on this blog.

Man.

I was really, really, REALLY, terrible. It's not as though he was a perfect guy either, but, still. We were friends. He liked me. I consider myself to be the worse side of the so-called "former 'dating' relationship".

Not only did I badly hurt Jared, but probably Mark as well. And I was totally OBSESSED with Mark. I had Bella Swan syndrome for this guy! (Actually, more Edward Cullen syndrome... without all the suicide and crap; more Edward because I seriously considered and thought about marrying him in the long future that I thought could have stretched ahead of us.)

How naive is that?

I don't know...

But now, with this uber-suck crush on Sam #1, I just... it doesn't make any sense to me. I have practically no reason to like him. He isn't all that nice to me, and it's apparent I annoy him, a lot of the time, conciously.

I've decided to officially put away that crush crap right now.

I just can't do that to another guy, being friends is a better idea to me right now. After all that happened with Jared and Mark last year, I know it's best for me not to have a boyfriend for the simple purpose of liking to have a boyfriend. Because that's shallow.

And "love", I guess, shouldn't just be about emotions. I was sooo obsessed with emotions back then.

And though I'd "love" to just have a boyfriend right now, because it "feels" so good to, and though I'd "love" to really find the "one", (I doubt and confuse my own motives a ton) I'd also love to just "be in love."

Buuuuuuuuuuuut... None of those definitions fit this one exactly:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8


I really do like all of my friends, female or male. And I think, as difficult as it would be, especially for someone like ME, I should keep my guy friends just friends.

And thank you so much, to one of a really, really, great guy friend of mine, who I think would be a totally amazing boyfriend/husband to some lucky girl one day, for encouraging me and talking to me today, Nathaniel. You are so totally awesome. Seriously.

And to my female friends out there, thank you so much for putting up with me even when I'm an emotional/hormonal mess. You people amaze me. XD :) You are the best friends I have ever had, and I thank God for you every day.

I love you all,

God Bless,

Aly.

Rant about Sat., Sun., and Mon.

I'm sorry for being neglective again... I really do <3 you guys. :-/ I shall update on... well, today, at least.

Anyway, Leanne is PO'd at me for putting Lex on our friends' list on our shared MySpace. (I know, isn't it terrible? We have one... D:) I wanted to know more about him. I sorta understand Ella a little more about him, but... :-/ He doesn't always sound like the most wonderful guy out there.

But a girl from my church, erm... Renee (yey coming up with codenames on the spot) is one of his friends, apparently. She was commenting. O: I wonder if my other JA friends know her... (JA= the school Leanne, Ella, Lex, Brenden [various peeps on Leanne's blog], Alicia, etc... go to. ^^' )

Anyvayz, not too much, and a lot of stuff, has happened lately.

Leanne and I hung out with one of my other friends this weekend. 8) Leanne dressed up like an emo kid, my other friend like a goth gangsta, and I dressed up like a hippie... and we walked around my small and loveleh town. o.o

It was... interesting. B-)

Gosh, it had been a while since I'd worn that skirt... heheh.

Anyway, it was pretty cool.

And then the next day, after church, I hung out with Macy at her house, and we went to the mall, and I bought my fantabulous purple hair mascara and electric blue sheer fabric-sewed-over-mesh fingerless gloves with a thumb hole.

(The only person who made an emo/cutting comment was Sam #1 when I wore them today at school. Not unexpected, however. Everyone else, surprisingly, complimented me on them. Including the guys. 8))

Anyvayz...

Yeah. We put on hair mascara in the mall bathrooms and I put on my gloves and yah. It was highly enjoyable.

After our message in youth group, my friends and I (Leanne included) did some random, loud, and fun stuffs in one of the classrooms. B-) This included: drawing and writing obnoxiously on the board, giving piggy back rides to each other, spinning, yelling, singing, etc... picking up the pool balls of the floor, because the little pocket-y things don't hold them well... I think Macy was playing Rock Band then, cuz she didn't follow us. Lol. Anyvayz...

*importantness now!*

Then we went to youth group. Our lesson stuffs for right now is about the different names of God, and how they represent him. This week, we learned about Jehovah. Jehovah was such a special name to the Hebrews, that they would sparingly use it, even in the writing of the Bible. It represents God's holiness, and justice of consquence toward sin, and yet the love that he has for us. Pretty awesome message. :)

*sigh*

Overall, good weekend. :)

A series of ridiculously long poetry/let-out-emotional-stuffs-poems

Mood rings would go insane
Emotions, do they change?
Remembering bad times
Like sixth grade
An absorbent sponge of emotional OCD

Obssessive kid with wants for emo
Scarred by what seemed like rejection
Over an obssessive, stalker-like crush
A year before

Oh, self-pity has no benefits
Misery has no joy
You never wanna feel like that
It's pointless, a waste of time

So why spend a while thinking it over?
Mulling it over
On your mind?
Wondering how and why...
Why not drop the past and run?

When do the 'psychological anylasis' techniques run dry?
Why not face the future, keep on moving
Then make everything behind you seem like blood and dust?

Tears, tears, cried
7 seconds that the devil almost took my mind
I ran downstairs and picked up my Day-By-Day Children's Bible

The girl knew to read the Bible with a purpose
The verse she found out of a random opening
It was about loving others, serving others
And the treasures in Heavan she would receive

Oh gosh, she knew
She wouldn't waste her time with selfishness like that
But mulling it over, over a year
Keeping it silent
Away from the parents

Talked to the guidance counselor everyday after lunch
By choice of course, the only person she knew who would do that

Read the stories in the Chicken Soup books over and over
Teen and Girl's editions
Cutting and anorexia and bullimia they recovered from

Diary entries of self-deprecating words
Superheaddesk to her now

Why is she thinking of it all again?!
No, no, she won't let it return
Her friends need her help most
Her own problems shouldn't even resurface
Shouldn't even HAVE a surface

What is the purpose of this poem?
Of this blog?
Self-pity, is it again? Someone else's attention?
Why doubt herself like this?
ARGH, she doesn't want the attention...

The shrink shouldn't have problems
Now, she knows she should turn to the Lord
She needs to keep on praying, and not to listen to the lies

She needs to stop her doubting, and not give into those lies!
Society says otherwise, everywhere she turns!
Online debates tell her no and no and no, and the people
Why do they all not believe in Truth?

Love is supposed to go to everyone
"Love the person, not the sin."
And that is what she tries to do
Strives to do
"Speak the Truth, no matter what."
And that's what she strives to do

But the frustration is eating at her again
And the lies are so much easier
Sinful heart wants its ways to be satisfied
But she can't let it happen

She cries out again and again to the Lord
And He's there
The verse they tell her again and again
The one He speaks to her
"Be still and know that I am God."

Be still, be still, be still...
Brain works on overtime
Hearts are confused
Exchange worry for prayer
Give it up, and don't hold onto what you were supposed to let go
Lay your burdens on Him.

But why does she hold on again and again?!
Time to blast Flyleaf
"You are the Truth,
Outscreaming these lies
You are the Truth
Saving my life"

Put your burdens on Him... like the skit in Sunday school class...

No, no more of these thoughts
Let it all go to Him.
---
Ahem. Second poem thing now. (a series of smaller poems associated into one... big poem-thing...)
-----------
Painfully listening to them speak
About their lives
And then they won't speak
When you think they need it
Seperate patient from friend
They need a listening ear

She's probably busy
Does she need to talk?
I'm not entirely sure.

And then another
Struggling, so much, internally
Not knowing the Truth spiritually

All I can do is keep on praying.

If I'm supposed to speak the Truth,
100% of the time...
I should stop being so intimidated?

Is that the word?
Don't let her own thoughts matter
In telling her what is True.
Do not hesitate to say The Bible is all facts.

Do not hesitate.
Let the Holy Spirit speak to her, like they've all told you is right.
If she does not accept, let it go...
It's all their choice...
You can't change a person's mind.


Don't ever bring up that topic again
In that room.
You saw her flinch when you said the word, mentioned the 'sucky' debate
You and your other friend did online.

Don't ever say that word again.
Even though you didn't mention it directly
Even though it was about those you felt unjust bitterness toward
Due to their bashing of the Truth, of the Bible, of God Himself,
Though you spoke your words because they wouldn't face it in that debate
Don't mention abortion again.

Don't say the word around her.
Is that wrong, to think this way?
To not want to remind of her the pain?
Don't ever say that word again, not around her?
Change your opinions?
Should you?
No... a human life, is a life,
But...
Just don't say it again...


Soft-spoken, shy, desperate?
What does she want in her life?
Self-esteem issues...
But is she a little selfISH?

Who am I to think that way?
When I can be the same...
She quit going to her youth group...
I should've tried to talk to her more about that...
Rather than let myself brush the subject,
To listen to the rest of her crush-story...
Right as she needed to hang up.
-------------
Endy Poem-thing-maybe?
(references 'The Shrink' poem)

Yes, the shrink really sucks at her 'job'
A lot
Not only sometimes
Speak up, she needs to
But sometimes she talks too much...

Balance, she's tried to learn
And she's still got a ways to go

But she plans to keep on going
Keep on praying
Keep on loving
Because that's what she's here for.

--------------------------------------
*breathes*

That feels much better. I love you guys. :) God Bless. :)

Life and all that stuff.

*sigh*
I don't wanna complain. I take this all as an opportunity to be a really great friend, show Jesus' love and compassion, and bring these people to Christ. Like this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh2IRvavyms

*sigh*

But... *sigh* I really... I know what I need to do, but carrying it out, you know? It's kinda hard. When I found out what I did last week about them, I cried and prayed all the way home. And then I cried and prayed some more and told my other friend about them... I'm just so stupidly distracted by lots of selfish things. I really have to try and give it all up for God, and for those friends.

Yeah. Sorry about that... just what's been on my mind for a little while...

Okay, quite a while.

I have to change.

Haunted (inro/beginning/part 1/etc.; the story based on the morbid email; read note for more detail.

Author's Note: Remember the morbid story I said was inspired by that morbid email? Well, I'm writing it now. May I warn you, that this is a very roughly written draft/thing that I probably won't edit before publishing here. If you notice any conventional (grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.) mistakes, let me know. Other than that, just tell me what you think.

Another warning: THIS STORY IS SAD. o.e Also rather dark, dealing with situations that involving suicide, self-injury, death, school, and perhaps selective mutism. So, please read at your own disgression.

The email was about a girl who was called ugly and undatable by a boy she liked, a boy afraid of what his friends would think, and who supposedly killed herself by slitting her wrists, cutting her face, and perhaps also drowning herself. It was titled "NO GIRL DESERVES TO HAVE THIS TOLD TO HER!" which I agree with.

But I knew that that was not the whole story, if the story were true, or not...

What about her family? Her mother, the only mentioned parent in the email? Friends? Her school, community? And of course, the boy. The aftermath of this girl's tragic and avoidable death. There was so much more to it than this, shock value, how terribly destroyed that girl's self-esteem was.

I kept thinking. And I got to writing.
-------

You lied to her.

Look what happened now.

No... no, this couldn't...

You killed her.


It wasn't true. It wasn't murder. He did lie.

But she was gone... forever....

Haunting you...
---

Those words on the mirror. Why did she never tell them?! How could this have happened?!

Marley didn't think she could handle this... She didn't even know. She didn't even know what was happening to her friend. The shock would never wear off to her...

"Am I pretty enough now?"

She couldn't even bear go to that funeral. But she had to.

She did, barely making it out of the church... no one ever used the word... why the casket was closed...

She couldn't even think of that word.

Death was always a sad, miserable thing. But it was an incredible, deep, pain when it's someone you loved. Kristen.... she was practically her sister. Gone. Forever. She didn't even get the chance to turn 14.

Her lost life in her own hands...

She could never think of her dear friend that way...
---
Jess locked herself in her room, trying to blank out, blasting Linkin Park, then Flyleaf, Evanescence, My Chemical Romance, and then more Linkin Park, shutting up her brain, and damaging her ears, silencing her emotions.

She didn't believe it. She wouldn't believe it.

Whatever screwed up the people in these bands, excluding Flyleaf, couldn't have been worse than what had just happened.

She wouldn't believe it.

On Monday, she would go to school, and talk to her best friends, Kristen, Marley, and Sandra, like nothing had happened, BECAUSE NOTHING HAD.

She refused to go earlier. She wouldn't believe it.

Her parents tried to get past her locked door... she couldn't even hear them knock. She turned up her mp3, earbud headphones that curled over the back of her ear, with powerful amplification, made her music louder.

Her eyes betrayed her, tears slipping through them, as hard as she held them back... she wanted to call her. Ask her what was wrong. Apologize for anything she might have done, comfort her, call Sandra, have her help...

But that part of her inside, knew she would never be able to do that again.
----
Sandra prayed, she cried, and prayed. And then she laid in bed, just laying there, staring up at the ceiling, her shoulder-length, dark brown, hair sprawled out on her pillow. She had changed as soon as she got home, half-wanting to burn that black skirt and jacket she'd worn... maybe she wouldn't remember as well.

How could she be gone? Why...?

She turned toward her pillow, curling up beneath her sheets, and crying once again... too many questions... she knew it happened. It was just too much, though... she asked why, again, and again...

She couldn't believe she was gone...

Bzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzzzzz, Bzz...

She reached for her phone, sniffing slightly. "Hello?" she said, quietly, coughing slightly to clear her throat from the hoarseness it had from crying so much.

No answer, but someone else's sobbing over the phone... Marley. A hangup.

And then a ring of a doorbell. Her parents opening the door, their footsteps below, and then someone else's, no doubt, rushing up there. Marley...

The friends through their arms around each other, crying, and holding each other, not even caring anymore... they couldn't hold back their tears. This was all too real to them...
---
Jess opened her window, sneaking out the back, and down the gutters, through Sandy's backyard, and through their back door. Marley was already there....

She snuck up there deliberately, still holding back her own tears...

The door creaked open, the sound her friends' sobbing much too loud, and she couldn't hold back any longer.... she put her arms around the both of them, and cried silently.



They were undoubtedly missing someone... someone they weren't getting back... it seemed incomplete. And so they cried, not saying a word, while they held each other close, afraid to let go...

Blawg tyme (school and stuffs)

New characters:

Dana- a girl from school, who's firsthand experienced 'relational aggression' of the other girls, experienced their bullying, and I do believe has equally gone up against other girls

Mrs. Waver- Guidance counselor for middle school. Awesome woman who has spoken to me (Kim/Alyce) and helped me through many things throughout middle school, as well as made me think a whole lot, and honestly, genuinely cares about the students

Mr. Novelten: Youngish principal guy, around maybe his forties, with kids of his own, formerly just the Middle School principal, now the K-8 guy, due to unfortunate school cutting stuffs.

Trista- A friend I've known since first grade, when she first moved here, moving from someplace else to here, another town, and then ANOTHER town, going to various schools in that town, an often dysfunctional family, her mother full of mysteries and their house full of cigarette smoke, but a really great girl, with big dreams and a great voice.

Danica- My friend who lives with her single mother, and bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend, and has friends who are older, and make often negative decisions at times. She's very in touch with her music, and pretty cool to hang out with, seems and looks older than her age streetwise.

Tick- A bloodsucker. *jk* Some dude that Danica dated, who had MANY issues, and was a pervert, but apparently was just so 'hot' and Trista was attracted to him. Involved with a dramadramadramaduck situation, between Dani having to break up with him, him breaking up with her, and then breaking Trista's heart as well, causing her to get really mad, by DATING DANA WHILE DATING TRISTA, (stupid a-hole guy... please pardon my... yeah...), Mr. Playa's got some problems, and left some girls with some too. Dani's still friends with him, though I find it dangerous, and I don't like most of her boyfriends because most of them have hurt her in some way. Dana and Trista were left with a grudge between each other, due to their boyfriend's cheating issues... among various other things. (Oh yeah. Long story. I'll maybe get to it eventually. Trista just couldn't get talked out of dating this guy... attracted to 'dangerous' guys. xPPPP)

I've decided, like my dearest friend Leanne/Kris, to arrange my blog so that I post at least once a week. Sorry for those who'd rather hear from me more, but I need to give myself something that's structured right now (like homework, xP; though I like blogging....) so that I will have a goal that I can commit to doing. And with school and all started, I've got homework, and all of that, and I'm in procrastinator mode (though it hasn't been so bad so far... which is quite an improvement...)

Sorry guys. D: Now that I have that set up, I'll probably end up posting more... *hugglesreaders* Love you guys.

God Bless you! Gawsh, I need to get on here more...

Anyway...

Life.

I had a great conversation with my parents last night. It was pretty cool. I'm glad I did. I asked my dad/told parents about the 'people problems', witnessing vs. debate, how to tell people about Jesus and live like him toward people... and he told me that the Gospel of John would be a good book to study/read. He told me to read it just like a book, and if I had questions, write them down, you know, really kinda ponder stuff. And I plan on doing that. The point of reading it, is to read about how Jesus interacted with people, the things that He did, His compassion, His love, His everything. John was like a very close friend to Jesus, so that was the perspective that the book was written from. And I think that's a great idea for me to read...

School...

Has finally gotten a little more interesting. I'm gonna start the anti-bullying thing maybe next week, or at least assist with it, now that the system's got it. xP Oh well. Mrs. Waver and the elementary guidance counselor now, can help out with more anti-bullying things. (Last year's school cutting pplz thing got rid of the Elementary principal, causing the Middle School principal, Mr. Novelton to become the K-8 principal.) The school got revamped. Sort of. Actually, they're still constructing various things... the one gym (which really isn't a 'gym gym'... just one of those things with chairs/bleachers and stuff... but it also functions as our stage, so it has chairs attached to these big cement steps and all dat. The new chairs are nice though. The others were like, fifty years old. O.O)

Okay, enough schoolgettingstuffdoneduetothetownvotingfortheschoolgettingmoney,ANDNOTGETTINGANEWHIGHSCHOOL* rant.

Soo... yeah. A girl named Dana, who hung out with me, Macy, Sam from my school and church, at the Burger Bash, on Wednesday, a party-ish thing with music, burgers, other food, and lotsa hangin' out, before See You at the Pole, September 25th, I believe, which may be international, where Christians at schools gather at their flagpole and have fellowship right before school. So it was kind of the pre-party thing. See You After The Pole, the after-party-thing, which is a really cool awesomeness party, where all the kids who went to See You at the Pole in Rochester/schools in that general area, come to in the evening, to hang out and have more fellowship, talk about how it went at their school, have more worship (but with most likely a WAY louder band, which is pretty awesome; our church always has great music anyway. The students get lots of modern Christian rock/other stuff, like Relient K, TobyMac, Family Force Five, etc.... the worship during church service is always pretty awesome too. Our own band thing, sometimes the adult choir, the kid's choir, all that good stuff... yeah. I might go into more detail later, lulz... Don't get me wrong, I really do love going to church to learn about Christ and everything. It's just the people at my church often have good taste in music. And I realize that worship isn't about the sound, it's about worshipping God.)
Great stuff. See You At The Pole seems more powerful at the city school's though... but that's okay. We're not there for us, it's there to show our love for Jesus.

Well... back on topic...

So, anyway, being in the presence of Dana, actually talking to her, and having to drive her home with my mom (well, my mom was doing the driving, since we both live in town and all that, but... you get what I mean...) really inspired me to get moving with that whole 'anti-bullying' class thing. I asked HER about it, and she'd like to get involved also. She's threatened to change schools several time because of this school... supposedly, she's going to a new one next year... *sigh*

But, I'm gonna go for it. And try to fix up what's right for the school, and what's not, along with Mrs. Waver, and the elementary guidance counselor too, if she gets involved also. Bullying is an important issue in our school.

A lovely statistic:

(I think it was about this...)

2/3 school shootings start with bullying at some point. ('Kay, I've most likely talked about this already, but I have to talk about it again; it's really driving and solemn for me.)

I remember the bullied one trying to prove himself out to the others, because they brutally verbally bashed him everyday.

It was a pencil, but stabbing nonetheless, that he did to one of the people who bullied him the most. I was at an all-day choir thing during that day, when it happened at lunch... the boy wasn't horribly injured, in fact, he came to school after a couple days, just fine, practically. Showing people his wound. o.e

But still...

The kid left. He'd moved there that ONE year. Not even one year... all the other new guy students were fine with us kids, but he just got hated on and hated on. People claimed to have tried to be friends with him. He pushed them away. But no one cared to try again. They just rejected him. He was different. He had really thick glasses. Some other issues, health issues, maybe other issues, didn't dress like everyone else.

And yet a lot of them rejected him and verbally abused him. (Because bullying IS abuse!)

It's scary and sat that these things happened...

I don't ever wanna see it happen again, at least at this school. Mrs. Waver told me about a school that had a new program about bullying and things like that, up north, where there had been a shooting/suicide (I think...) and how it was working well...

*sigh*

That was much more intense, and apparently, much more tragic things happened. But our school has had a history of relational agression and rejection of people who are different. That's not nearly as bad as what a school shooting/what leads up to one could be, but it's always possible in places...

I'd been wanting to do this even BEFORE that kid was driven to the edge/couldn't/wasn't reached.

Lots of bullying problems here. Small school, small town. Bullying and drugs is all we got for issues, and that's never good.

Every place has problems. The town may look quaint on the outside... but you gotta live here, you have to look in to understand the people.

Randomness. Rant. Life. Thoughts. Today. Yeah.

My creativity died in that title...

Anyway, I'd like to let ya'll know, I'ma be pretty much not on very often starting tommorrow, due to being in DC for my cousin's wedding on Tuesday, and after that, on September 2nd, when our plane gets back, I'll be heading to school. o.e Which kinda sucks.

But I'm sure the wedding will be awesomely... ^^

I am really looking forward to this now. I'm gonna see relatives I haven't seen for years, and all that good stuff... and...

*sighs*

Okay, secretly, I really wanna find someone to dance with at the reception. That's one of my eveel boy crazy goals.

xP

Hopefully not related to me. O.O Most likely not... we don't have a lot of guys in the family that aren't about 18 years older than me or anything more than my brother's age. o.e

Anyway... *sigh*

Today I thought about Rose. And Mark. And Jared. I really miss 'em all...

Mark's probably spazzed out because he couldn't make it to the BD party. It wasn't his fault he couldn't make it... *sigh*

I put some more songs on my playlist for Rose... heh. You know, stuff like the stuff we used to sing back in summer of '06, after I discovered MUSIC!, when I talked to her daily for hours upon hours on the phone... good times. *sigh*

Teen Titans fanvids. D': I miss her... *sigh* :'( *cries*

I saw Jared while running errands today. o.e He was with his friend, who has the same name as 'Kim's' brother, David. (Had a crush on him in fifth grade... LOOOONNNGGG story, not to be told right now) Meh. I waved awkwardly, like I was confused/PO'd or something, and then went into the post office and did my post-office duties and all dat.

I was so tempted to just walk over and talk to them...

So that's what I planned, after I went to get my books and return them to the library. And they were gone already, of course. David and Jared have been hangin' out a heck of a lot this summer. *sighs*

I still feel like I screwed things up between Jared and I. Maybe I'm wrong... but I just hope things go well this schoolyear. I still wanna be friends with him. And I'll feel quite hurt if he starts acting like a jerk to me this year.

Ugh. Maybe I SHOULD stay away from guys... but I just can't decide. I think it'd be healthier if I just had a crush on someone... then I'd just watch them, and think about them, and not about M-Word and every hawt guy I ever see... xP I've become too vain, I think. *sigh* I don't care about how a person looks if I date them. But I now know what the world thinks makes someone attractive...

But I guess I still don't care. I have my own preferences. Heh... *sigh*

I'm sighing a lot. o.e

xP I think I'm at the very beginning of falling in... like I'm walking toward the edge that makes you swept in the world, but being pulled back and forth from right and wrong, and I KNOW what's right, and wrong, yet I contemplate them. But I always stop myself before I get in.

Even though my humor has become increasingly crude. And I'm contemplating tolerance on certain issues that I know are wrong. I love God. And I need to focus. I can't go through life without God. That would kill. I wouldn't BE here if I didn't have faith in Him. I wouldn't be ALIVE if he wasn't there. Nor would anyone else...

xP

The most frustrating, depressing, GAH! D:< (ish a face) boards ever:

http://forums.avatarspirit.net/index.php?board=2.0


xPPPP (xP= also a face)

Granted, I learned a lot about certain events from those threads, but still. D:< GAH.

xP

Please don't shoot me for being immature about this right now... *sigh*
*changessubject*


I AM SO EXCITED FOR DC NOW!

I really wanna see my cousins and everyone. Though it'll be awkward to have more of those cheek-pinching aunts you really don't know who go all "Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" when they see me... o.e But everything will be good. ^^

:)

Well, school's comin' up... Good luck to all. God Bless. :) ^^

~Aly-chan, "Kim"

Rambling rant rants about stuffs

New characters-

The Church Group Kids- These are the people who I go to youth group and Sunday School with. The only person I ever got SUPER close to there, was Rose, and I got somewhat close to Mark, I suppose. I know a lot about everyone there, and they're my friends. They are close to me, and I pray for them, and I care for them. They're really awesome, and come from different schools in the nearby city, and they're all pretty close to each other too. The group spans (in the summer, when youth group is out) from kids out of sixth grade, and going into ninth grade. In the schoolyear, the grades for middle school ministries spans from sixth through eighth grade.

Bella and Edward- (I gave them these codenames, because they have names relevant to the Twilight series, though they definitely aren't these names, though they might as well be...) A couple whom has been going out for 14 months, and are going into ninth grade.

Bella- A girl going into ninth grade who goes to the church, and is an amazing person, whom takes her boyfriend everywhere. (and her father follows them as well...) She's close to her father, and her caring boyfriend. She once had an obssessive crush on him, writing hers and his name in a youth retreat devotional booklet in hearts as her 'notes'. She likes writing, and is close to her friends, can have a bit of an attitude, and is really an individual person.

Edward- A boy who plays guitar, has awesome hair, and is (unfortunatelyforthosewhosecretlyfangirlspazzoverhim) boyfriend to Bella. He is extremely dedicated to her. He may be silent at times, but once he opens up, one realizes that he is a great guy, funny, and obviously dedicated to Bella.

Macy (remind me if I've used this name already... ^^")- She plays bass, she's 17, and she was homeschooled up until 10th grade. She goes to a Christian school now, and wishes she could cut her uniform skirt... She's very youthful and innocent in some ways, and in other ways, she is an intense, dark, intriguing artist. She writes amazing stories and lyrics, and draws incredible pictures, and has a wild imagination, due to being raised off of drama/sci-fi's, and Star Wars, and likes most sci-fi things. She is an incredible person that I admire and sympathize toward, during her family life at times.
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I'm no longer addicted to soft rock. However, there is no lacking of fluffy love songs, however, I do still love my soft rock. And old Coldplay. And Anna Nalick, and Ingrid Michaelson, and all them peoplez.

Anyway, my newer-ish music interests, or revivals... or just further interests... are stemmed from mix CDs of Christian Rock/Metal that this dude from my church, Ed (who is absolutely hothothothothohtohot), made for us to ride on the rides to and from wherever we went in our big vans during travel, like the eight hour trip from MN to SD. The music was great. And I had a ton of stuff I wanted to look up after I'd heard both (or however many... ) of the CDs there were.

I suddenly fell in love with some of the Skillet songs I'd heard over and over from one of my other friends, Macy, made me listen to. And Flyleaf. And learned about some other awesomesauce Christian rock-ish bands, like FM Static... and hearing all the guys in the back singing 'Love Addict' by Family Force 5 was hilarious and rockin'sauce. Though it annoyed most of the other guys.

So, I like rock-i-er-ish-item-music-thing right now. But still a lot of Alt. Rock. But more things like Flyleaf, and Paramore, music like that. And new modern-y-ish stuff too... but I've almost completely rid my music of hip-hop/rap. And I skip most of my Linkin Park songs right now too. O: Which is kinda sad. But they're negative and all that... I use most of that music for my characters and other people who listen to it all the time. Kris has been obssessing over the YouTube playlist I made for the roleplay we're both in, and she finally finished listening to it today, or at least I think she did. It has 86 songs on it, I believe. But, of course, YT deleted some of the vids, like YT does, so I've gotta go edit at some point... (xP toopid procrastination/laziness disorder.)

*sigh* I'm listening to Tonight by FM Static. It is sad. Especially with the movie it's using in the vid. (A Walk To Remember... I really need to watch that... we have all these movies that we own, yet I don't ever watch them... so I gotta do that with this one... )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg45rOnbnCA

^teh vid

I love that song. It is so sad... I had an idea of what it meant... the guy falls in love with a girl, and she witnesses to him, and they're in love, and she dies, and it's sad... :'(

But I love it... *sniff* :'(

Well, at least that's how the movie seems right now...

Anyvayz, I just thought I'd leave a random blog. God Bless you all! :) <3333

~Aly-chan

(Stand in the Rain~ Superchick is an amazing song) Sam, my friends, prayer, GOD LOVES EVERYONE

New Character

Sam (another one of the Sam-guys)- A guy from online. Kim met him on her Avadorkforumsiteness, while roleplaying, when she first started, in October 2006. He was fun-loving, happy, a Christian, and nice. But then, he took a long break, and came back, with girl problems, and various other issues... often coming to her, in moments where he is in desperate need for support, she is always doing her best to help him out, whenever something's wrong... and when he's online, those rare times.

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I got home, I wanted to dance. At my friend's church, it's always awesome. It was just the message, and that incredible sky, again. When the clouds are breaking, from stormclouds, to sunlight... beautiful. I don't know how anyone can deny God, with that beautiful sky...

And I came home, still wanting to dance and write about joy and contentment in Him.

And I watched the mid-to-end parts of Shrek on TV with my Dad.

And then, I attempted to teach myself Coldplay's "The Scientist" better on the piano.

Then I got on the computer.

*sigh* Chatrooms= bad for your health. And rather depressing.

And then, Sam got on, again... I hadn't spoken to him in ages, as usual, so I messaged him. I had this uneasy feeling, like I knew something had recently gone wrong. And, I was actually correct.

I don't know how that whole 'hope for the best, expect the worst'-thing could ever fit in with optimism, though, I was really doing that right then.

I need to let go of everything, and let God take over. HE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY. If I let him speak through me, if I let HIS message go through me, I know things will work out.

Most helpful music when trying to help someone-

SUPERCHICK
Particularly- Stand In The Rain, Beauty From Pain, Courage, Hero, We Live (last three/two songs are only on occasion)

Mainly Stand in the Rain. Wonderful song...


I think I'm getting somewhere. I really need to go to the bathroom or something, but I was really nervous, like I usually am when talking to him, but, I think it's easing up a bit. I am so glad that I am talking to him right now. I've missed him, and I've been worried, I have to admit... though, I haven't been thinking of him lately, for which I am guilty. I'm going to put him back into my prayers, immediately. He needs prayer. He needs God. So badly... I know a lot of people who need God. A lot, many need Him, much more than Sam. He's a good friend of mine, even online, and I don't like seeing him hurt... I don't like seeing anyone hurt, really, but people who are close to me, people whose words I can read, or hear, or even see them... it's terrible, really.

I am constantly praying for my friends, and my family.

I love them all... and God loves them. He loves every one of those he created. His mercy is endless, if one believes in him, and his promises. Please let God in, everyone, those who don't believe in him. He is the one who made me, made you, and made it possible for us to live with him. He is my source of life, my source of hope, of joy, of comfort and support when I am in dark times.

*yawnz* Maybe I should go back to sleep... (Mission Trip rantness)

I'm tired cuz I got up at 7. Is that not pathetic? *sigh* *yaaaaaaaaaawn* Tiredness. Dx

Anyways, I decided to post a blog this morning. About... I dunno, we'll see.

I did one of my devotional thingies for the youth mission trip I'm doing in July... the little sections seem to be getting shorter, but the amount of pages for 'anticipation' remains the same, approximately 5 pages. But the reading devotion part things remains pretty long... the one I did today is about reverence. A deep respect. So, it spoke about how to show reverence to God, and the importance of showing reverence to higher authorities, like trip leaders, and local church leaders, and/or experienced mission trip peoples, on the trip. It'll be one interesting thing, I'll say that much. I've never been on a mission trip before, and although I'm not going out of the country, and about only... maybe anywhere between 5-8 hours out of the state, I know this is going to be a very different environment. And I'm good with that. I need to learn to be 'still' though, you know? Being at peace and having contentment with and in God is part of reverence to him... and so is listening to spiritual instruction, and praying to him.

So that's what I learned in my devotional today. (Our 'mission trip homework', heh...)

I miss Rose. (I hate coding right now... my brain does not have the capacity to code this morning... *yawn*) She is my bestest friend, and now her phone's like, dead or something, because she wasn't picking up yesterday... I hope everything's alright. (Her brother did something to the laptop, so she can't use that either... *headdesk*) I'm glad she's coming up in July for the trip though... even though the leaders will probably split everyone up. And I will show them reverence... even when I don't want to... but that's not right. Because I should want to. And I guess I do, if I do show them. I'll just miss hanging out with Rose all day, while working and stuffs... I heard it gets EXTREMELY hot over there... ugghhhh... South Dakota. And plus there's a dress code. DX Which means, even with temperatures, we are not permitted to wear any form of 'innappropriate' tank tops, or shorts... I don't need to worry about the shorts, cuz I don't wear shorts anyway, though I might want to once I get there. But the tops... yeah. My typical summer outfit:

Spaghetti strap tank top (with a built-in bra, so no need for extra... well, you know. And yes, those things still work for me, xP) and capris/skort.

I guess I'll be okay with it. Sweaty, but okay...

In all honesty, I'm really looking forward to this. It'll be like a week-long CareFest. Except, we're helping people directly... in Rapid City, South Dakota. It'll be a very new experience, and I think I'm going to like it. But I really do have a lot of spiritual preparation yet to do...

Well, talk at ya'll later.

-"Kim" (ALY)

Random Update (Story Style)

Notes=
New Characters:

Bethany- Rose's younger sister. She is one year younger than Rose and everyone, and is going into Seventh Grade after the summer.

Wes- Rose's younger brother. He is the same age as David, Kim's little brother, and just about as obsessed with online RPGs.


I am sitting here on the computer on a Friday, on the first day of that dorky carnival thing that happens every June in my tiny, midwestern town for three days out of the year, knowing well that my best friend, Rose, is already out of state and on her way to getting to her new house in Florida. She sent me pictures. Her room DOES look like a 'prep's', but I think it looks cool... but I'm sure it'll be cooler when she's done redoing it.

This summer, she's coming back up in July to go on the youth mission trip with out church to South Dakota for a week, but... the original plan was to have her come up for a little while before or after, so the gang could all get together again... but her mom was suggesting that I, and maybe even Kris, come down to Florida instead, and then bring Beth and all us back on a plane. Which would, I must admit, be ridiculously fun, but I'd feel guilty and almost selfish (especially if Kris couldn't come...) for not taking Rose back and hanging out with her here in Minnesota, so everyone could hang with her, and she could revisit. So I'm still leaning toward that option... but it's more the parent's arrangements now. Whatever they think works best. *sighness*

Or, maybe they'll let Rose choose... that'd sound cliche, but it'd be rockin'sauce. 8) Plus, during the mission trip, all the church-eh pplz are all about seperating us into different groups so we're basically FORCED into meeting new people... which I really don't mind, but I'd rather spend more time with Rose, considering she's going to be in Florida.

Depressing stuff. It really is... Kris and I always mention it at least once in our phone calls... we haven't let ourselves cry over it yet, though...

I've got so many pics of her, her and I, and everyone... I made this, I think, even before I knew she was leaving... or maybe I did. Oh well. I've gotta get a tribute vid up for her. I think I'm going to use Photograph for that one too... that's Rose and I's song.

My first, and currently, ONLY, YouTube Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOc6GBKpLvo

Heh. It's a tradition of ours, starting on the first middle school retreat with her. We had her iPod, and we were driving home... and so we sang Photograph. The song ended perfectly, just at the moment our bus was exiting the wintery setting. We were messed up kids. Sixth graders. We wrote the worst fanfiction ever, this Teen Titans/Avatar crossover, and we were REALLY muffinly... (Muffins= suggestive; DEAL WIT IT) *sigh* She's an incredible writer. Just her fanfictioin tells me that. And everything else I've ever seen written by her... awesome singer. She knows exactly what to say when I need to hear it. My best friend. Sister, even, I could say. We never argued... we debated. Heh... But nothing petty. Really... deeper-ish stuff... only the important things. Like a real debate. *sigh* Maybe it didn't seem deep at the first subject, but once we delved in... no stopping. We normally cut those things off when it starts getting tense though... (I refuse to use past tense this time; I'm still going to talk to her, even though it won't be exactly the same. )

It still knocks the breath outta me to know, however, that she's not gonna be here like she would have been, if she was staying... I'm going to miss her. All of us are gonna miss her. A lot. A heck of a lot.

She's in my prayers...


((AN: WE LOVE YOU, ALLIE! WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU A LOT!!!!!! :'( <333 You ARE such a great friend to us, and we aren't going to forget you. Ever. And we're going to keep talking to you. As much as possible. Constantly. All the time. Best friends forever. ))

Another 'chapter' in the blog; PG-13, some private information revealed; read with caution. EXTREME CAUTION.

Kim never thought that this day would come.

She felt hated, all over again... like she was getting called a freak, or annoying or avoided just because of her weird behavior... just like in fifth grade. The weird kid obsessed with the weird shows no one liked and an annoying, obsessive crush on the kid in her grade. His name had also ironically been David. But the thing was, she was so obsessed with him, like in the manner that she managed to call herself obsessive compulsive.

Fifth grade basically crushed all her confidence.

Sixth grade seemed pretty miserable, ridiculously angsty, and morally unstable. (fortunately, no actual actions were done due to those... yeah... )

And now she felt like all that stuff was just falling back out at her.

Jared... she felt like he hated her. Him... out of all people...

She felt like one of the characters she wrote in roleplays, except without an actual cause for their honest-to-goodness almost PTSD... she was just feeling all of this all over again.

What to call it? Verbal abuse, anger issues... maybe just the fact that he had something else going on that made him all mad... Well, she couldn't really call it abuse or anything. They weren't dating, and he wasn't a bully. It didn't count. He HAD however been a little bit verbally abusive to his ex, Angela... but it was all Kim's fault. She had gotten in between them. She should have distanced herself, rather than let Jared make himself look like he was practically cheating on her. Angela said that Kim was all he talked about... and when she got angry or tried to say something, he'd just call her names (and behind her back also... most of the names started with a b and ended in itch... )

Kim knew better than to think that he was like this on his own. '...dad treats his mom like s***'... gave her a hint. She wanted to do whatever she could to get him out...

Reading 'Breathing Underwater' by Alex Flinn gave her a lot of insight... but books don't tell anything. And... maybe she did feel a little bullied. She never wanted to admit if he'd ever made her feel hurt before. Because he honestly didn't. But now....

Ugh, she was so overreactive.

There's none of that involved in what was going on right now... all that was going on right now... was simply another friendship breaking. Just tearing apart... so easily... even after all the 'I love you's' and the 'I'll wait for you's' and all the stuff she'd done to hurt him... she'd been so cold... she hated herself for it right now.

Hm. Sounded cliche. Maybe... no, no, overreaction... or was it denial?

Grrr, stupid fake MPD (Dr. Bob and Patient Kim... )

She wasn't pretending something bad wasn't... actually, yeah she was, but only from her parents... she knew her dad didn't approve of Jared enough, only because of a misunderstanding from last summer, but... yeah.

She began to rethink him. She knew that her Bible told her angry people are better to be avoided from... but it was lineage, she was sure it was...

She wanted to stop him from being that way...

But if he kept lashing out at her, or other people, what could she do? She wasn't a victim. She was just there... it was only on the internet that he said most things... angry and unhappy, depressed or... in love? Only in an IM or an email... but that was it...

And now...

It changed so easily. Something had to be up...

She felt arrogant for thinking this way. He liked her, and she didn't wanna believe that he'd stopped. She'd been using him as a backup...

No, she hadn't... she genuinely cared...

Ugh... such stupid argumentive thoughts. She wished she could just be confident again. And that she wasn't on her way to being overweight, or being hated by the best guy friend she'd ever had... how come they had ended up this way?

She knew she might even cry tommorrow if she had to reprint that poem for her English 4th quarter writing submission. Right at the last minute, she'd decided to use it instead of one of her excercises... she decided to use the poem she'd written the night Jared had told her of what had been going on and finally expressed how he felt... in an... expressive manner that had minimal and/or realistic swearing...

She had to pray about this. Maybe she did need to stay away from him... no matter how much she didn't want to...

I might just blog all night... (My personal problems because I actually have some! *ventpost*)

Twilight Coding

Jacob= Jared
Bella= Me
Edward= Mark

Jacob is speaking with me again tonight.

I wish there was something I could say... honestly, I'm bad at this now. I think I ruined everything... no, I know I did. I've been doubting myself a lot lately, and though I know it's unhealthy, and I KNOW I can help it, and I know it's not true and unhealthy to think like this... but, I feel like I can't help it really.

And... I just...I'm beginning to think my social/brain skills are like, degenerating. I keep treating people like patients, not friends. You know how I want to be a psychologist? I'm thinking like a PSYCHIATRIST. And I'm being analytical. And in the logic sense, not just my typical emotional kind.... I just... I feel like I don't know what to say anymore, without conforming to others and sounding perverted (laughing at the typical innappropriate jokes, or saying my own... that belong on TV-14 animated sitcoms that pop up all the time in the seventh grade nowadays... or worse.). It's not good... but... I'm also just falling behind in my own head... I just... I'm becoming colder too. Distancing. And... I need to start excercising more, but... yeah... *sigh* I'm comparing myself to other people too (girls in particular; girls who are ridiculously skinny and in sports and actually don't blog all night instead of sleeping.) I just... It's ridiculous. I'M being extremely ridiculous.


Well, anyway... on a not-so-much lighter note... *this IS the venting post, you know...*

I'm just gonna say, because it is wrong for me to 'gossip', and/or specifically say what my friends have been doing to themselves/saying/joking about/threatening to do/not so joyful home lives... I'm just gonna say a lot of the people I'm close to are going through hard times.

*sigh* And it hurts me to watch. But I can't leave them.

I'm praying... I know God will pull through for me. I've doubted before, but I won't doubt him anymore. He's true. The one unchanging part of this world, of this faith that we have. He's true.