Well, I have just realized that I usually blog right before Carefest, or right after... it's now midnight, the day after Carefest. It was a great time, as it is every year. And I love to spend it with my friend. But the point is to serve others, to let them see the light of Christ. Wow.
I've recently had a conversation with someone close to me telling me that I need to stop beating myself up over things. But if I didn't... I don't know if I would be able to make myself stop doing stupid or obviously wrong things. I guilt myself into a lot of things, and it's absolutely wrong for me to do that in the first place, but if I didn't, I'd just be an honestly jerkish person who didn't give a crap. Some people encourage that. Some people see it as rude. I do rude things without knowing all the time, and what I need is to be more aware of my thoughts and actions... instead of overthinking them later when the deed's been done.
I'm considering taking advantage of my church's counseling services. I'm on the prayer team, but... I don't know about that now. I don't know. And it'd be hypocritical for me not to want to go by saying that I could handle this on my own/ONLY talking to other people who aren't counselors, with the way I push this stuff toward other people all the time. It's no cure-all and it's difficult and uncomfortable, and for the first time in a while, I have to consider that and admit that. But most of the people at the center aren't strangers to me. And if I honestly don't believe there's no shame in asking for help, and have humbled myself enough to say I need it, then... well... I should just do it. Before I talk myself out of it. Because that's happened a lot, with a lot of different things.
So... back to Carefest. We cleaned up a middle school. While cleaning lockers in the girls' locker room, I found a bullet in one of the lockers I let Leah keep it. She joked that it was just someone going to her high school(apparently, it's "ghetto" there. xP), but... I dunno. I was first reminded of a book I read (The Adventures of Fanboy and Goth Girl by Barry Lyga, in which the main character carries a bullet around with him at all times),and then disturbed. I remembered something I'd heard about that middle school, about a student that used to go there, and no longer goes there because they're dead, essentially. It was... briefly sobering. And then I just got back to work and joking around and socializing with Leah and the girl who graduated from my school last year, who happened to be at the same project.
In light of recent events... I found it even more disturbing. I don't know why I keep thinking about this kind of stuff. My friend and I have very drastically different ways with dealing with things. To be honest, I avoid my feelings, or channel them, in different ways, through focusing on fiction or other subjects. But never NOT talking about them. If it's really burning in me, I have to get it out. Whether in journal or blog or aloud, whichever works at the time, I have to get it out. I can never really be alone with my thoughts, unless those thoughts terrify me enough that I don't want people to be concerned. Which has been unfortunately often lately.
So later in Carefest, we arrived at the arena to do some more work (Leah and I were DETERMINED to paint, because we paint EVERY YEAR and we must paint each other! MUST.)So we got to paint a wall! And it was fun! :D Yeah! We did have some conversation too. We've actually taken off most of our roleplaying for a while, so now most of our conversation is just conversation, and it's pretty cool. 8) And we had some people help use finish the wall toward the end. They just happened to be male and of the attractive variety, which, again, is completely, COMPLETELY, missing the point of yesterday. But they were nice, and we talked about music and Sunshine festival, and plays and such.
And just to keep things interesting, I'll now tell you about what I did on Thursday and Friday. Thursday afternoon, miss lovely Ella brought me down to her house and we hung out and talked and stuff, while we waited for miss Leah to arrive. It was cool. We watched some deleted scenes from Repo! The Genetic Opera, and one of Terrance Zdunich's videos, and such, and it was quite enjoyable. Then Leah arrived, we watched some Uncle Yo on YouTube (Otaku/Geek comedian of epic lolz0rz), but they did not seem to appreciate him very much... ^^' Later on we watched Repo! The Genetic Opera. Honestly, I really only liked Mag, occasionally Shilo, and the Graverobber, and... well... I found the costumes to be a bit... distracting. xP And I worry that that might just be the point. Yes, it was sad when Nathan was dying and Shilo said goodbye. Of course I almost teared up at that point. But... costumes. Idea for the movie? Something and "love of beautiful women". *ahem* Decent movie overall, I suppose, in spite of that. Call me a prude or perv or whatever, but it was just too sexual in my opinion, even without an outright sex scene.
After this film, we did some awesome makeup, using songs as inspiration. We all looked pretty rad when we walked to the Dollar Store (which was closed), and then Wal*Mart to buy snacks for our next film-viewing. :)
Anyways, we also watched Vampires Suck, which was funny, mostly because it parodied Twilight, and Becca's actress imitated Kristen Stewart really well. (Haha, new nickname for her... K-Stew. Lol. Stew. Sorry, I'm a little off tonight...) Anyways, some YouTube parodies were better. But overall, pretty funny. Kind of reminded me of those straight-up teen movies.
Best of the night in my opinion (though you can't compare any of these genre-wise): Howl's Moving Castle. I know it wasn't too pleasing for Nathaniel to know that I watched it without him, but it was just... amazing. Truly a great film. The fantasy elements and the realistic paired up so well, and were well-balanced... though you could say there's not much realistic in the film. It just had the overtone of seriousness, with the backdrop of war. But like anime movies tend to go, there is hopefulness at the end. It was just incredible. I need to watch more Hayao Miyazaki...
(and Ella and Leah need to watch some Makoto Shinkai. *cough*)
The next morning, we hung out so more, ate some breakfast, watched Ella demonstrate some pretty awesome dances (Love and Joy and... I don't remember the other one. ^^' I'll have to ask her to Facebook it to me. x3), and then drove off to the AWESOMENESS that is X-Men: First Class. First off, I have to say, historical truth I learned here:
Mutants solved the Cuban Missile Crisis.
That is all. *jk* Actually, it was just a really great movie. The plot was fascinating, especially with Erik/Magento's character developments, as well as the contrast between he and Xavier/Professor x. Interactions between characters (particularly Mystique/X, Mystique/Erik, Erik/X, Mystique/Hank, and Mystique/Erik) were just spot on, in my opinion. Especially the scene where Xavier motivates Erik to move a gigantic satellite... his words... man. Knocked me out. Great movie. And not to mention the eye-candy. Heh. I decided to put that one last to make myself look a lot better than I am for a second. See how terrible I am? xP
We returned to Ella's and watched a show about survivors of stuff on Animal Planet. It was really intense. I have thoughts on that. But I've decided against expressing them. So, I left and went shopping for groceries and things for my mission trip with my youth group to the Dominican Republic in less than two weeks.
I'm going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic. June 30th to July 11th. I'm praying that God really changes my heart there. I'm always feeling like these trips and big events are what's just going to turn me around... but there's always that 48 hour rule (where, if you don't make a change within those hours, you probably won't change), and the fact that change is a process. I've got issues. And maybe they aren't solvable by counseling, or maybe that would help, or maybe I just need a big kick in the butt to get me going. And I haven't been managing to do it myself very well.
So, concluding thoughts for the night... yeah. I've thought too much this weekend. Good night and God bless, all. Thanks for reading.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Some poetry. I'm not even sure I should share these... so be careful.
Contradictory Personality
Imperfections
Imperfections, flaws, things to destroy
Memories to forget
Actions to regret
Things to say and do
Resisting
Holding back
For fear
Of judgment
Thoughts not to be thought
Wrongs not to be done
Roads not to be walked
Words that should not be spoken
Uncleanliness
All over me
I only see
What's wrong with me
And then I see
Too far right
Arrogance may overtake
To cause a fall
And then back again
To the wrong
Again and again.
God forgives me
When I've asked.
God forgave me.
When I let Him in.
I don't forgive myself
That easily.
I don't hold back.
All the time.
When I should,
I say,
What I shouldn't.
Or don't say anything
At all.
Undeserved
Sometimes I can't stand
The words you say
To me
Because they're just too sweet
And to untrue
And you don't know
Who you're talking to.
Maybe you do, maybe a little.
From what I've said
And what you've read.
But not the ugly me
I've been and can be
Inside.
You don't want to meet that girl,
I wouldn't want to tell you.
But would you still say
The words you do
If I let you know,
The worst I've been?
It pains me every time
To see those words,
Words on the screen,
The sweet, the kind, the loving,
Gosh, if you only knew
Who I've been.
Is it just the past?
Perhaps.
We all have regrets.
Even God forgave me, justified me.
That amazes me, amazes me incredibly.
Do you ever feel like the worst person on Earth?
Even when you aren't?
Does it not matter?
It doesn't matter in God's eyes,
When we ask for His forgiveness.
But Dear Lord, You are too amazing.
Far, incredible,
Grace, Mercy, Justice, Love.
How the Lord does that for me, and all who accept Him
Is so incredible to me.
Beyond my comprehension, His love, capacity to forgive.
And I know it's undeserved.
Yet it is His mercy.
Undeserving I am of His grace.
And I feel that way sometimes,
Even to the other loving people of His creation.
Undeserved is every word,
Or so it feels sometimes.
Every Word
Happiness, joy, love
I write.
Smiling faces,
No pain, no comments of the negative sort.
Finding every kind word to say to me.
So much joy I feel from you.
A gift you are to me,
A person who encourages me,
He's got a purpose for everything
And everyone.
And the people who touch my life.
You will not soon be forgotten
I will not let you go,
I won't walk away,
I promise.
If I break it,
Then give me your worst.
Because you don't deserve that,
You deserve much better,
Some days, you deserve better than me.
Touch the sky,
Hear His voice soon, please.
We have a reason that we're here
And the way we are.
And for why we've met
And spoken,
And become this close, this way,
For love is more, always more, than what we can describe.
Beyond impossible boundaries, endless.
The word is not
Empty.
So, let us use it full.
Let us speak it true.
We're young, with futures that may grow apart
Tears gather in my eyes at the thought,
But if this is temporary, let us use love full.
We won't grow apart.
In our hearts.
Not soon forgotten,
Will you be,
When you're so near to me,
Yet so far.
The miles,
Don't matter
To me.
Nothing
Will come
Between us if it's true,
What we say, and what we do,
For each other.
It's too true.
You mean so much to me,
So, so much.
So let us stay close tonight
Even so far away,
It doesn't matter.
Nothing comes between us.
Being realistic doesn't apply,
When I realize
The words you say to me,
So sincere, so genuine.
I am still in awe.
Stay close, even so far,
We won't ever mean "goodbye"
On this earth, for real
Because it won't a be a "good" bye without you,
And we won't forget.
Left a mark, on my heart, forever, through your words.
So sweet, so kind, so loving.
You amaze me.
Imperfections
Imperfections, flaws, things to destroy
Memories to forget
Actions to regret
Things to say and do
Resisting
Holding back
For fear
Of judgment
Thoughts not to be thought
Wrongs not to be done
Roads not to be walked
Words that should not be spoken
Uncleanliness
All over me
I only see
What's wrong with me
And then I see
Too far right
Arrogance may overtake
To cause a fall
And then back again
To the wrong
Again and again.
God forgives me
When I've asked.
God forgave me.
When I let Him in.
I don't forgive myself
That easily.
I don't hold back.
All the time.
When I should,
I say,
What I shouldn't.
Or don't say anything
At all.
Undeserved
Sometimes I can't stand
The words you say
To me
Because they're just too sweet
And to untrue
And you don't know
Who you're talking to.
Maybe you do, maybe a little.
From what I've said
And what you've read.
But not the ugly me
I've been and can be
Inside.
You don't want to meet that girl,
I wouldn't want to tell you.
But would you still say
The words you do
If I let you know,
The worst I've been?
It pains me every time
To see those words,
Words on the screen,
The sweet, the kind, the loving,
Gosh, if you only knew
Who I've been.
Is it just the past?
Perhaps.
We all have regrets.
Even God forgave me, justified me.
That amazes me, amazes me incredibly.
Do you ever feel like the worst person on Earth?
Even when you aren't?
Does it not matter?
It doesn't matter in God's eyes,
When we ask for His forgiveness.
But Dear Lord, You are too amazing.
Far, incredible,
Grace, Mercy, Justice, Love.
How the Lord does that for me, and all who accept Him
Is so incredible to me.
Beyond my comprehension, His love, capacity to forgive.
And I know it's undeserved.
Yet it is His mercy.
Undeserving I am of His grace.
And I feel that way sometimes,
Even to the other loving people of His creation.
Undeserved is every word,
Or so it feels sometimes.
Every Word
Happiness, joy, love
I write.
Smiling faces,
No pain, no comments of the negative sort.
Finding every kind word to say to me.
So much joy I feel from you.
A gift you are to me,
A person who encourages me,
He's got a purpose for everything
And everyone.
And the people who touch my life.
You will not soon be forgotten
I will not let you go,
I won't walk away,
I promise.
If I break it,
Then give me your worst.
Because you don't deserve that,
You deserve much better,
Some days, you deserve better than me.
Touch the sky,
Hear His voice soon, please.
We have a reason that we're here
And the way we are.
And for why we've met
And spoken,
And become this close, this way,
For love is more, always more, than what we can describe.
Beyond impossible boundaries, endless.
The word is not
Empty.
So, let us use it full.
Let us speak it true.
We're young, with futures that may grow apart
Tears gather in my eyes at the thought,
But if this is temporary, let us use love full.
We won't grow apart.
In our hearts.
Not soon forgotten,
Will you be,
When you're so near to me,
Yet so far.
The miles,
Don't matter
To me.
Nothing
Will come
Between us if it's true,
What we say, and what we do,
For each other.
It's too true.
You mean so much to me,
So, so much.
So let us stay close tonight
Even so far away,
It doesn't matter.
Nothing comes between us.
Being realistic doesn't apply,
When I realize
The words you say to me,
So sincere, so genuine.
I am still in awe.
Stay close, even so far,
We won't ever mean "goodbye"
On this earth, for real
Because it won't a be a "good" bye without you,
And we won't forget.
Left a mark, on my heart, forever, through your words.
So sweet, so kind, so loving.
You amaze me.
Friday, May 8, 2009
On another note. (Thanks, an "announcement", and some other things)
I really hope you didn't see the almost-post before this. I deleted it. Too much. Right now, I'd like to give thanks to God, and the great best friend He's blessed me with, Leah. She really knows how to listen and be there for me, praying, talking, laughing, listening, joking around--everything. And she's really awesome in general.
And all of you guys are awesome.
Well, I think Nattie and I have some news (I hope you don't mind me putting this in my blog):
We are "going out". ^^' <3
It's really great, and we really like each other, and, as we all know, Nathaniel is amazing. o.o
<333
Last night was the National Day of Prayer. I attended the meeting at one of our churches in a nearby city, and I prayed for an event called Carefest.
(http://www.rochestercarefest.org/)
I've worked at Carefest with my family the past 3 years, and it has been quite the experience. I love it. I really do. We help people with their homes, and various organizations around the city, including schools, churches, homeless shelters, other shelters, etc. It's really great.
Basically, we do service projects of various types, based on the home or organization's needs. Like painting, or staining wood, or building sheds, or cleaning lockers, or organizing things. Things like that, and more tedious work, like replacing appliances, or rebuilding things. Lots of stuff.
It's really, really fun, and it really touches lives out in that town.
It's a great event. :)
And I was honored to pray for it.
Once again, I had some, I guess I could call it, "leader anxiety". Because a ton of adults at church think of me as a leader, meager little me, as a leader, someone to lead the other youth and impact people in big ways. Maybe they get me mixed up with my dad. xP
But, yeah, my dad and I are very similar when it comes to things at church and stuff.
People in his age group (adults, any age, actually) know him. He practically knows the entirety of that town.
And I know a whole bunch of the little kids at church, and some youth group kids.
The youth leaders think that I'm a good influence, that I am really growing in my faith.
I guess I have a fear of flaw-discovery when it comes to other people. They don't really know me. They don't see me in school, when I back up and don't say anything about God when I have the perfect interval. When I'm violent, or when I'm angry, or when I'm sad, or when I'm doubting.
Am I faking my faith when I'm at youth group or youth trips? I don't think so... but they never see the other side of me.
It really was an honor to step up there and pray. And it really makes me feel good to be valued by adults and leaders. It makes me happy when my parents say they're proud of me, especially for my faith.
No one's directly pressuring me to be anything, to do anything. It's just... what if I screwed up in front of them?
Sometimes that really inspires me to keep growing in my faith, to be stronger, so I'll always be a good "leader", or so they think. But sometimes I doubt if that's where I want to be.
I want to help people. But would it be okay if I were just behind the scenes, like my mom? The pillar of prayer?
But I'm all for the communication directly to people, like my dad.
It's all for God's glory, and if I'm gonna be out there, if He calls me to be there, I will be.
Bu sometimes I worry. Really hard, about what I'm doing. I don't think any of the kids even really think me a leader; just the adults. I'm okay with that, but I do worry.
They don't know me like my friends do. My parents don't know me like that.
Sometimes I have that little rebellious instinct, just to go and do something stupid just so they'll stop thinking I'm so good. But that wouldn't be right either.
I guess it's something I'll just have to let go of, bring in to God, let Him handle it. I've gotta live like Jesus, and Peggy. She was not all up front, but she touched lives through friendship and kindness. But that's just how God used her for the good of His children. Wherever He wants me to be, I'll go.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0ihxvCyrWM)
And all of you guys are awesome.
Well, I think Nattie and I have some news (I hope you don't mind me putting this in my blog):
We are "going out". ^^' <3
It's really great, and we really like each other, and, as we all know, Nathaniel is amazing. o.o
<333
Last night was the National Day of Prayer. I attended the meeting at one of our churches in a nearby city, and I prayed for an event called Carefest.
(http://www.rochestercarefest.org/)
I've worked at Carefest with my family the past 3 years, and it has been quite the experience. I love it. I really do. We help people with their homes, and various organizations around the city, including schools, churches, homeless shelters, other shelters, etc. It's really great.
Basically, we do service projects of various types, based on the home or organization's needs. Like painting, or staining wood, or building sheds, or cleaning lockers, or organizing things. Things like that, and more tedious work, like replacing appliances, or rebuilding things. Lots of stuff.
It's really, really fun, and it really touches lives out in that town.
It's a great event. :)
And I was honored to pray for it.
Once again, I had some, I guess I could call it, "leader anxiety". Because a ton of adults at church think of me as a leader, meager little me, as a leader, someone to lead the other youth and impact people in big ways. Maybe they get me mixed up with my dad. xP
But, yeah, my dad and I are very similar when it comes to things at church and stuff.
People in his age group (adults, any age, actually) know him. He practically knows the entirety of that town.
And I know a whole bunch of the little kids at church, and some youth group kids.
The youth leaders think that I'm a good influence, that I am really growing in my faith.
I guess I have a fear of flaw-discovery when it comes to other people. They don't really know me. They don't see me in school, when I back up and don't say anything about God when I have the perfect interval. When I'm violent, or when I'm angry, or when I'm sad, or when I'm doubting.
Am I faking my faith when I'm at youth group or youth trips? I don't think so... but they never see the other side of me.
It really was an honor to step up there and pray. And it really makes me feel good to be valued by adults and leaders. It makes me happy when my parents say they're proud of me, especially for my faith.
No one's directly pressuring me to be anything, to do anything. It's just... what if I screwed up in front of them?
Sometimes that really inspires me to keep growing in my faith, to be stronger, so I'll always be a good "leader", or so they think. But sometimes I doubt if that's where I want to be.
I want to help people. But would it be okay if I were just behind the scenes, like my mom? The pillar of prayer?
But I'm all for the communication directly to people, like my dad.
It's all for God's glory, and if I'm gonna be out there, if He calls me to be there, I will be.
Bu sometimes I worry. Really hard, about what I'm doing. I don't think any of the kids even really think me a leader; just the adults. I'm okay with that, but I do worry.
They don't know me like my friends do. My parents don't know me like that.
Sometimes I have that little rebellious instinct, just to go and do something stupid just so they'll stop thinking I'm so good. But that wouldn't be right either.
I guess it's something I'll just have to let go of, bring in to God, let Him handle it. I've gotta live like Jesus, and Peggy. She was not all up front, but she touched lives through friendship and kindness. But that's just how God used her for the good of His children. Wherever He wants me to be, I'll go.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0ihxvCyrWM)
Friday, May 1, 2009
I Want to Live Like Peg. (You don't have to comment; please do read)
1 For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
~2 Corinthians 1-8
^Peg chose to have this verse read at the funeral.
Today, I went to a funeral. And I'm not even really sad, though I am. I need to grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice. And we had to do a little of both at the celebration of this woman's life today. Her name was Peg, or Peggy, and she was the wife of the Children's Pastor at my church.
She touched so many lives. Her husband says that she was a true imitator of Christ. He said that she taught him the most important part of life was relationships. And that she had a relationship with God so loving that the love spilled out to those lives she touched.
She wasn't an incredible singer, or a strong leader. She was a friend. She had so many friends, she touched so many lives, impacted them, changed them, even lead some to Christ. She loved them the way He loved us.
She believed that 100 years from now it wouldn't matter what kind of cars people drove, or what kind of houses they had, but the differences they made in the lives of others.
I may have mentioned her way earlier in my blog, when she shared some of her testimony to us students at the "after-party" of See You at the Pole.
Peggy was diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago. Three years later, the doctors said she had six months left to live.
She lived 8 years after. She had cancer all over, but no one would know that just by looking at her. She was an amazing woman, with an amazing legacy. Her legacy being that she was a friend, someone who exemplified God's love with her entire being. She said that God let her have cancer because He loved her very much. A good friend of hers who had been battling cancer when she was diagnosed said that she hoped that her cancer would make her as blessed as she was. Blessed with it.
When they were told she had had six months left to live, her and her husband decided not to focus on healing, but giving God the glory. She lived very long and fully. She was incredible. She had simple wisdom and kindness that touched lives.
She wouldt tell this story from one of her favorite books of a man who was being chased by a group of tigers. In order to escape, he went to an end of a cliff with a vine upon it. He climbed down on it, too late before realizing that the vine only reached halfway down, with jagged rocks below. But then the man saw these strawberries growing within reach. He picked one and ate it, finding it to be one of the most wonderful strawberries he had ever tasted.
She didn't focus on the tigers of her past or the rocks of her future, but the strawberries, the blessings of her current day.
She arranged most of her funeral herself, picked out songs and speakers. And this passage from a book, Brennan Manning's "Wisdom Tenderness", was something written by another woman dying, given to her friend, who was Brennan. It was about how one should not cry for her, but for themselves, to cheer and make a joyful noise because she was home with the Lord.
And that was incredible. Man, she was an amazing woman. I didn't really know her very well, but just reading the compliation of writings from people whose lives she touched, and thinking of how her sharing even touched my own life the way it did... man, she was amazing. She still IS amazing. She's home now, and she has no pain, no sorrow, and pure joy. She seemed so content, even in her difficulties.
When her husband spoke in front of the loved ones who attended the service, he said the things that he wanted us to know about her, and what SHE wanted us to know. Including what honored the most--people coming to know her Lord and Savior. She really brought people to Christ. And that is what she called for. And that is what God used her for--to show His love, to lead others to Him, in a gentle, subtle, friendly, sharing way. That's what people said about her in the booklet. That she never preached or lectured, she was so simply wise, and that she spoke to others sharing God, and loved so much.
She was an incredible woman.
Her husband brought up the question "why". Why did she have to go, if she had done so much, with all that was left? Because, perhaps, God wanted to bring in more Peggy's. That we need more people like her. We can't be like her without having that intimate relationship that she had with God.
I want to be like that. I want to be like her, I want to love God, and love people. Love God so much that the love just flows over. And I want to be gentle like her. And I want to live a legacy, one that impacts the people the way she did. I am not Peg, nor will I ever be, but I want to give myself to God so that He can be glorified through me, the way she did. I want touch lives through Him.
I don't know about you guys. God did give a choice. He knew from the beginning that Adam and Eve would make the choice to sin. But He loved us enough not to leave us completely seperated from Him; that's why He gave His Son, that's why He died on the cross for our sins. For our screw-ups. And that's why people like Peg can exist, can touch lives the way they do. Love people the way they do. Because they have Jesus' love in them.
I want to live like that. I'm aiming for that. I'm giving myself over to God. As completely as I can. I won't be perfect; I can't be. But I will live for Him and for others. That is what I must do. I'll let everyone make their choice, but I pray that I can live like her--show God's love through my relationships, in them. To all, just like Jesus, and how his disciple Peg did.
6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
~2 Corinthians 1-8
^Peg chose to have this verse read at the funeral.
Today, I went to a funeral. And I'm not even really sad, though I am. I need to grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice. And we had to do a little of both at the celebration of this woman's life today. Her name was Peg, or Peggy, and she was the wife of the Children's Pastor at my church.
She touched so many lives. Her husband says that she was a true imitator of Christ. He said that she taught him the most important part of life was relationships. And that she had a relationship with God so loving that the love spilled out to those lives she touched.
She wasn't an incredible singer, or a strong leader. She was a friend. She had so many friends, she touched so many lives, impacted them, changed them, even lead some to Christ. She loved them the way He loved us.
She believed that 100 years from now it wouldn't matter what kind of cars people drove, or what kind of houses they had, but the differences they made in the lives of others.
I may have mentioned her way earlier in my blog, when she shared some of her testimony to us students at the "after-party" of See You at the Pole.
Peggy was diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago. Three years later, the doctors said she had six months left to live.
She lived 8 years after. She had cancer all over, but no one would know that just by looking at her. She was an amazing woman, with an amazing legacy. Her legacy being that she was a friend, someone who exemplified God's love with her entire being. She said that God let her have cancer because He loved her very much. A good friend of hers who had been battling cancer when she was diagnosed said that she hoped that her cancer would make her as blessed as she was. Blessed with it.
When they were told she had had six months left to live, her and her husband decided not to focus on healing, but giving God the glory. She lived very long and fully. She was incredible. She had simple wisdom and kindness that touched lives.
She wouldt tell this story from one of her favorite books of a man who was being chased by a group of tigers. In order to escape, he went to an end of a cliff with a vine upon it. He climbed down on it, too late before realizing that the vine only reached halfway down, with jagged rocks below. But then the man saw these strawberries growing within reach. He picked one and ate it, finding it to be one of the most wonderful strawberries he had ever tasted.
She didn't focus on the tigers of her past or the rocks of her future, but the strawberries, the blessings of her current day.
She arranged most of her funeral herself, picked out songs and speakers. And this passage from a book, Brennan Manning's "Wisdom Tenderness", was something written by another woman dying, given to her friend, who was Brennan. It was about how one should not cry for her, but for themselves, to cheer and make a joyful noise because she was home with the Lord.
And that was incredible. Man, she was an amazing woman. I didn't really know her very well, but just reading the compliation of writings from people whose lives she touched, and thinking of how her sharing even touched my own life the way it did... man, she was amazing. She still IS amazing. She's home now, and she has no pain, no sorrow, and pure joy. She seemed so content, even in her difficulties.
When her husband spoke in front of the loved ones who attended the service, he said the things that he wanted us to know about her, and what SHE wanted us to know. Including what honored the most--people coming to know her Lord and Savior. She really brought people to Christ. And that is what she called for. And that is what God used her for--to show His love, to lead others to Him, in a gentle, subtle, friendly, sharing way. That's what people said about her in the booklet. That she never preached or lectured, she was so simply wise, and that she spoke to others sharing God, and loved so much.
She was an incredible woman.
Her husband brought up the question "why". Why did she have to go, if she had done so much, with all that was left? Because, perhaps, God wanted to bring in more Peggy's. That we need more people like her. We can't be like her without having that intimate relationship that she had with God.
I want to be like that. I want to be like her, I want to love God, and love people. Love God so much that the love just flows over. And I want to be gentle like her. And I want to live a legacy, one that impacts the people the way she did. I am not Peg, nor will I ever be, but I want to give myself to God so that He can be glorified through me, the way she did. I want touch lives through Him.
I don't know about you guys. God did give a choice. He knew from the beginning that Adam and Eve would make the choice to sin. But He loved us enough not to leave us completely seperated from Him; that's why He gave His Son, that's why He died on the cross for our sins. For our screw-ups. And that's why people like Peg can exist, can touch lives the way they do. Love people the way they do. Because they have Jesus' love in them.
I want to live like that. I'm aiming for that. I'm giving myself over to God. As completely as I can. I won't be perfect; I can't be. But I will live for Him and for others. That is what I must do. I'll let everyone make their choice, but I pray that I can live like her--show God's love through my relationships, in them. To all, just like Jesus, and how his disciple Peg did.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Me and My Flaws and Jared and My Brother and God and life and math tests
Let me start with Districts, the Christian conference I went to in Duluth this weekend. It was really, really awesome. I did learn a lot. I've gotta learn how to defend my faith better though. And... just learn how to be more consistent in my actions and what God wants me to do and who He wants me to be. I need to be more patient, less critical, less... erm, sometimes crudely humored. That's just an inconsistency thing. The whole James chapter 3 thing, taming the tongue and all that... important stuff.
Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...
I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.
Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.
Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )
Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.
My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*
I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.
Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.
Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.
I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.
My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.
I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.
Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.
But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.
I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.
And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.
So there's my first thing to improve:
LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)
and
LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO
And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.
There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.
But only in the segment that ran through the town.
Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...
Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:
-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.
My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.
And my dad came home safe and sound that night.
I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.
I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)
*huggles everyone*
Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...
I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.
Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.
Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )
Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.
My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*
I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.
Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.
Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.
I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.
My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.
I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.
Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.
But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.
I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.
And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.
So there's my first thing to improve:
LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)
and
LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO
And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.
There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.
But only in the segment that ran through the town.
Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...
Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:
-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.
My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.
And my dad came home safe and sound that night.
I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.
I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)
*huggles everyone*
Monday, April 20, 2009
Two posts in a row. I'm on a roll today! (Odd poetry and stuff)
Sorry for the lack of creativity in the titles. I will now write some random poetry.
Tell Me
I hate
Taking criticism
Sometimes
There's pride
I can't let go
Of what I wrote or thought or said
And become defensive or offended.
But I know I shouldn't.
I know when I should take it and the difference between constructive
And destructive
Criticism or insult.
But either way, please tell me
What you think.
Give me your opinion.
Or quote some scripture for me.
Insult me.
Make fun of me.
Just tell me.
I want to know.
I just want to know
What you think.
Maybe it shouldn't matter
It shouldn't affect me.
But the good things that affect me,
Will make me a more well-rounded person.
Make me listen better.
Humble me.
Even the bad
Will make me stronger in the end.
Just tell me everything you think.
Untitled
When I look at you,
I think of all the emotions
I felt for you
Why do I mess up things like this?
I just don't understand myself
But it doesn't matter anymore
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're doing good, I'm happy.
If you're covering up what's really inside, I understand.
Sometimes I don't want to believe this is really your personality.
But who am I to judge?
And if I truly cared for you, what would I do for you?
More notes would make you think I was strange, not that you already don't.
I'll try to understand you.
I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
I have a strane personality; I'm hard to understand, even to myself.
But I hope we can be friends.
We were at one point, and now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever think of me?
Or do you avoid me in your thoughts, just so you're avoiding me?
Will we ever get closer?
Should I even care?
It's for God I need to change.
It's for you I want to be softened.
And tougher at the same time.
You will never understand what I thought of you this year.
But it doesn't even matter.
I want to lead well, I want to be good.
I want to inspire, but God has to work through me, not on my own.
Follow Him, dear brother in Christ
I'll try not to be inconsistent anymore.
I have no right to criticize, I have no right to point out your flaws.
Especially when I need to focus yet on mine.
Keep on going with life, but fight the forces that lead you off the right path.
For your own good.
Live knowing He is there.
And that if you ever need another friend, I will jump at the chance.
Always There
I thank the Lord for you
Every single day
He is a wonderful God, and you are the ones He gave me to keep me in check.
You are the one I talk to when others bring me down
You are the one who give me encouragement on the times I need it
You could write an entire book about me, as I could for you.
You and I know each other far too well
You are always there for me
I hope I'm always there for you.
If I've ever failed you, which I'm sure I have, I'm sorry.
You put up with my demandingness, my bipolar self-esteem
You put up with me every single night.
You know how to listen, and when to talk and when not to.
You are just too amazing.
God, thanks for blessing me with such a great friend.
To All my Friends
All of you
Always listening
Always talking
On my nerves, or on my heart, on my mind
All the time.
I love you all.
I care for you in different ways
And never want to see you hurt
Though I have.
Many of you.
Dearest friends.
You are always in my prayers,
In my thoughts.
You never leave my mind.
Even when I feel I've failed you, you prove me wrong.
And when I actually do, you're always so loving
So forgiving.
I thank God for you too, my friends.
I'll never leave your side
He'll never leave your side.
You're in my life for a reason.
And I thank God for your presences
For your kindness and your openness and love.
Tell Me
I hate
Taking criticism
Sometimes
There's pride
I can't let go
Of what I wrote or thought or said
And become defensive or offended.
But I know I shouldn't.
I know when I should take it and the difference between constructive
And destructive
Criticism or insult.
But either way, please tell me
What you think.
Give me your opinion.
Or quote some scripture for me.
Insult me.
Make fun of me.
Just tell me.
I want to know.
I just want to know
What you think.
Maybe it shouldn't matter
It shouldn't affect me.
But the good things that affect me,
Will make me a more well-rounded person.
Make me listen better.
Humble me.
Even the bad
Will make me stronger in the end.
Just tell me everything you think.
Untitled
When I look at you,
I think of all the emotions
I felt for you
Why do I mess up things like this?
I just don't understand myself
But it doesn't matter anymore
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're doing good, I'm happy.
If you're covering up what's really inside, I understand.
Sometimes I don't want to believe this is really your personality.
But who am I to judge?
And if I truly cared for you, what would I do for you?
More notes would make you think I was strange, not that you already don't.
I'll try to understand you.
I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
I have a strane personality; I'm hard to understand, even to myself.
But I hope we can be friends.
We were at one point, and now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever think of me?
Or do you avoid me in your thoughts, just so you're avoiding me?
Will we ever get closer?
Should I even care?
It's for God I need to change.
It's for you I want to be softened.
And tougher at the same time.
You will never understand what I thought of you this year.
But it doesn't even matter.
I want to lead well, I want to be good.
I want to inspire, but God has to work through me, not on my own.
Follow Him, dear brother in Christ
I'll try not to be inconsistent anymore.
I have no right to criticize, I have no right to point out your flaws.
Especially when I need to focus yet on mine.
Keep on going with life, but fight the forces that lead you off the right path.
For your own good.
Live knowing He is there.
And that if you ever need another friend, I will jump at the chance.
Always There
I thank the Lord for you
Every single day
He is a wonderful God, and you are the ones He gave me to keep me in check.
You are the one I talk to when others bring me down
You are the one who give me encouragement on the times I need it
You could write an entire book about me, as I could for you.
You and I know each other far too well
You are always there for me
I hope I'm always there for you.
If I've ever failed you, which I'm sure I have, I'm sorry.
You put up with my demandingness, my bipolar self-esteem
You put up with me every single night.
You know how to listen, and when to talk and when not to.
You are just too amazing.
God, thanks for blessing me with such a great friend.
To All my Friends
All of you
Always listening
Always talking
On my nerves, or on my heart, on my mind
All the time.
I love you all.
I care for you in different ways
And never want to see you hurt
Though I have.
Many of you.
Dearest friends.
You are always in my prayers,
In my thoughts.
You never leave my mind.
Even when I feel I've failed you, you prove me wrong.
And when I actually do, you're always so loving
So forgiving.
I thank God for you too, my friends.
I'll never leave your side
He'll never leave your side.
You're in my life for a reason.
And I thank God for your presences
For your kindness and your openness and love.
OMC AN EXACT 2 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST!!!
Once again, I start with an apology. I'm really, really, REALLY sorry for not posting. I am REALLY not good with all this irregular posting, guys. I'm sorry. :(
*hug* You guys are still totally awesome for reading my blog.
Anyways, April 20. Things about today:
-It is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings
-It's the day I can go back to phone roleplaying with my friend
-It's... April 20th.
I have this book that has this story of Cassie Bernall from before she became a Christian again and everything, and it was written by her parents, and... *sigh* It was really good, but really sad. The whole situation is really, REALLY sad. That all those kids had to lose their lives that way. And the many more who have since then.
The roleplaying thing kind of pales in the Columbine situation. I really don't just wanna brush over that, but I sort of do. It reminds me of when I watched Hotel Rwanda for school, and how the UN got only the European/American/etc. tourists out and themselves to cover themselves up and didn't help the Rwandans until so much killing had already happened.
It's all incredibly sad, all of that. *sigh* I pray that the survivors are all doing well.
---
Continuing from my last post, I do think I'm done with liking Sam 1. He's got a girlfriend now, and she's nice enough, and I just don't think I can keep on going with that. Weird stuff happened (as in, his dad came over and talked to my dad over Sam 1's behavior, which isn't very nice or appropriate toward me and various other people), and I'm trying to just think of him as a regular person again. Not a "cardboard cut-out" of eighth grade crush. A guy who could be my friend, a guy who might be struggling with things that don't ever surface out from his crudely-humored shell at school. I'm trying to do that with all of his... friends... as well.
*sigh*
Easter.
Easter was pretty awesome. I loved my church service, and the song that one of the women in the church sang:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6LGSzNW9xU
It was sort of obvious that they were reaching out to the people who DIDN'T believe in Christ exactly, during the sermon. But I was okay with that.
I've been thinking a lot lately. The past couple of weeks, I thought too much. I really just... I had a bout of questioning. Lots of it. But I'm done with that. I don't mean to offend anyone with the song or what I write or anything. I really just know in my heart, that God is there. And all his laws are righteous and true.
Things that have spoken to me/inspired me/made me think/made me hopeful/etc. lately (within past week/Sunday/etc.):
-Post on one of the ASN D&D boards about "throwing stones" (like in the Bible, how Jesus told the crowd who were going to stone an unfaithful woman or something, and said "He without sin may throw the first stone", and how no one could...) It was kind of humbling, I think. I realize I'm too critical and overly "conservative" sometimes. Loving the sinner and not the sin has been easier said than done lately, to be brutally honest, which is a bad thing. And I can't be that way.
-The former atheist woman who shared her testimony to the Sunday School class yesterday. She was awesome... really awesome. People can be transformed so much.
-My Youth Pastor, even as he was getting somewhat "let go" by the church. He really knows what he's talking about. And he's so God-centered on this. I followed his struggle through my dad, who talks to him a lot. And he seemed so encouraged, so sure, of God's direction, so trusting, so faithful, even in such a difficult "season" as he's now put it. I thought that was pretty awesome.
-Leah's confirmation homework for confirmation. What (I think it was Martin Luther...) wrote about temptation:
"Casts doubt on revealed word (I say "Truth" in place of revealed word for some reason...)"
"Contradicts revealed word"
"Counter-promises revealed word"
It's really true, is what I've found... the way Satan works in temptation, the way temptation, even through ourselves, goes... it's pretty deep, pretty real. I've seen it. Every time I've gotten tempted to believe something that's wrong, that's just the way it goes. o.o
-People just being nice to me. Sam 1 being able to talk to me like a friend at Youth Group, and then not as much at school. But it's okay-ish.
-My dad mentioning again how the adults at my church think I'm a leader, a good encourager, a caring person... sometimes I feel like I don't fit that at all. And I never feel like I do. But knowing people see me that way, usually it scares me... but it really makes me want to keep aiming high. Not only because I don't want to fail them, but because I really want to care. And I really want to follow where God wants me to go, and be a good example to my friends and youth group members. And I can't let God or them down.
-How I've really been blessed with a gift, apparently. Even when I don't see it.
And that's about all I think I'll say for this post. God bless you all. Jesus loves you too.
You guys are pretty awesome. Love ya all! Talk to you soon. :)
*hug* You guys are still totally awesome for reading my blog.
Anyways, April 20. Things about today:
-It is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings
-It's the day I can go back to phone roleplaying with my friend
-It's... April 20th.
I have this book that has this story of Cassie Bernall from before she became a Christian again and everything, and it was written by her parents, and... *sigh* It was really good, but really sad. The whole situation is really, REALLY sad. That all those kids had to lose their lives that way. And the many more who have since then.
The roleplaying thing kind of pales in the Columbine situation. I really don't just wanna brush over that, but I sort of do. It reminds me of when I watched Hotel Rwanda for school, and how the UN got only the European/American/etc. tourists out and themselves to cover themselves up and didn't help the Rwandans until so much killing had already happened.
It's all incredibly sad, all of that. *sigh* I pray that the survivors are all doing well.
---
Continuing from my last post, I do think I'm done with liking Sam 1. He's got a girlfriend now, and she's nice enough, and I just don't think I can keep on going with that. Weird stuff happened (as in, his dad came over and talked to my dad over Sam 1's behavior, which isn't very nice or appropriate toward me and various other people), and I'm trying to just think of him as a regular person again. Not a "cardboard cut-out" of eighth grade crush. A guy who could be my friend, a guy who might be struggling with things that don't ever surface out from his crudely-humored shell at school. I'm trying to do that with all of his... friends... as well.
*sigh*
Easter.
Easter was pretty awesome. I loved my church service, and the song that one of the women in the church sang:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6LGSzNW9xU
It was sort of obvious that they were reaching out to the people who DIDN'T believe in Christ exactly, during the sermon. But I was okay with that.
I've been thinking a lot lately. The past couple of weeks, I thought too much. I really just... I had a bout of questioning. Lots of it. But I'm done with that. I don't mean to offend anyone with the song or what I write or anything. I really just know in my heart, that God is there. And all his laws are righteous and true.
Things that have spoken to me/inspired me/made me think/made me hopeful/etc. lately (within past week/Sunday/etc.):
-Post on one of the ASN D&D boards about "throwing stones" (like in the Bible, how Jesus told the crowd who were going to stone an unfaithful woman or something, and said "He without sin may throw the first stone", and how no one could...) It was kind of humbling, I think. I realize I'm too critical and overly "conservative" sometimes. Loving the sinner and not the sin has been easier said than done lately, to be brutally honest, which is a bad thing. And I can't be that way.
-The former atheist woman who shared her testimony to the Sunday School class yesterday. She was awesome... really awesome. People can be transformed so much.
-My Youth Pastor, even as he was getting somewhat "let go" by the church. He really knows what he's talking about. And he's so God-centered on this. I followed his struggle through my dad, who talks to him a lot. And he seemed so encouraged, so sure, of God's direction, so trusting, so faithful, even in such a difficult "season" as he's now put it. I thought that was pretty awesome.
-Leah's confirmation homework for confirmation. What (I think it was Martin Luther...) wrote about temptation:
"Casts doubt on revealed word (I say "Truth" in place of revealed word for some reason...)"
"Contradicts revealed word"
"Counter-promises revealed word"
It's really true, is what I've found... the way Satan works in temptation, the way temptation, even through ourselves, goes... it's pretty deep, pretty real. I've seen it. Every time I've gotten tempted to believe something that's wrong, that's just the way it goes. o.o
-People just being nice to me. Sam 1 being able to talk to me like a friend at Youth Group, and then not as much at school. But it's okay-ish.
-My dad mentioning again how the adults at my church think I'm a leader, a good encourager, a caring person... sometimes I feel like I don't fit that at all. And I never feel like I do. But knowing people see me that way, usually it scares me... but it really makes me want to keep aiming high. Not only because I don't want to fail them, but because I really want to care. And I really want to follow where God wants me to go, and be a good example to my friends and youth group members. And I can't let God or them down.
-How I've really been blessed with a gift, apparently. Even when I don't see it.
And that's about all I think I'll say for this post. God bless you all. Jesus loves you too.
You guys are pretty awesome. Love ya all! Talk to you soon. :)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Rant about Sat., Sun., and Mon.
I'm sorry for being neglective again... I really do <3 you guys. :-/ I shall update on... well, today, at least.
Anyway, Leanne is PO'd at me for putting Lex on our friends' list on our shared MySpace. (I know, isn't it terrible? We have one... D:) I wanted to know more about him. I sorta understand Ella a little more about him, but... :-/ He doesn't always sound like the most wonderful guy out there.
But a girl from my church, erm... Renee (yey coming up with codenames on the spot) is one of his friends, apparently. She was commenting. O: I wonder if my other JA friends know her... (JA= the school Leanne, Ella, Lex, Brenden [various peeps on Leanne's blog], Alicia, etc... go to. ^^' )
Anyvayz, not too much, and a lot of stuff, has happened lately.
Leanne and I hung out with one of my other friends this weekend. 8) Leanne dressed up like an emo kid, my other friend like a goth gangsta, and I dressed up like a hippie... and we walked around my small and loveleh town. o.o
It was... interesting. B-)
Gosh, it had been a while since I'd worn that skirt... heheh.
Anyway, it was pretty cool.
And then the next day, after church, I hung out with Macy at her house, and we went to the mall, and I bought my fantabulous purple hair mascara and electric blue sheer fabric-sewed-over-mesh fingerless gloves with a thumb hole.
(The only person who made an emo/cutting comment was Sam #1 when I wore them today at school. Not unexpected, however. Everyone else, surprisingly, complimented me on them. Including the guys. 8))
Anyvayz...
Yeah. We put on hair mascara in the mall bathrooms and I put on my gloves and yah. It was highly enjoyable.
After our message in youth group, my friends and I (Leanne included) did some random, loud, and fun stuffs in one of the classrooms. B-) This included: drawing and writing obnoxiously on the board, giving piggy back rides to each other, spinning, yelling, singing, etc... picking up the pool balls of the floor, because the little pocket-y things don't hold them well... I think Macy was playing Rock Band then, cuz she didn't follow us. Lol. Anyvayz...
*importantness now!*
Then we went to youth group. Our lesson stuffs for right now is about the different names of God, and how they represent him. This week, we learned about Jehovah. Jehovah was such a special name to the Hebrews, that they would sparingly use it, even in the writing of the Bible. It represents God's holiness, and justice of consquence toward sin, and yet the love that he has for us. Pretty awesome message. :)
*sigh*
Overall, good weekend. :)
Anyway, Leanne is PO'd at me for putting Lex on our friends' list on our shared MySpace. (I know, isn't it terrible? We have one... D:) I wanted to know more about him. I sorta understand Ella a little more about him, but... :-/ He doesn't always sound like the most wonderful guy out there.
But a girl from my church, erm... Renee (yey coming up with codenames on the spot) is one of his friends, apparently. She was commenting. O: I wonder if my other JA friends know her... (JA= the school Leanne, Ella, Lex, Brenden [various peeps on Leanne's blog], Alicia, etc... go to. ^^' )
Anyvayz, not too much, and a lot of stuff, has happened lately.
Leanne and I hung out with one of my other friends this weekend. 8) Leanne dressed up like an emo kid, my other friend like a goth gangsta, and I dressed up like a hippie... and we walked around my small and loveleh town. o.o
It was... interesting. B-)
Gosh, it had been a while since I'd worn that skirt... heheh.
Anyway, it was pretty cool.
And then the next day, after church, I hung out with Macy at her house, and we went to the mall, and I bought my fantabulous purple hair mascara and electric blue sheer fabric-sewed-over-mesh fingerless gloves with a thumb hole.
(The only person who made an emo/cutting comment was Sam #1 when I wore them today at school. Not unexpected, however. Everyone else, surprisingly, complimented me on them. Including the guys. 8))
Anyvayz...
Yeah. We put on hair mascara in the mall bathrooms and I put on my gloves and yah. It was highly enjoyable.
After our message in youth group, my friends and I (Leanne included) did some random, loud, and fun stuffs in one of the classrooms. B-) This included: drawing and writing obnoxiously on the board, giving piggy back rides to each other, spinning, yelling, singing, etc... picking up the pool balls of the floor, because the little pocket-y things don't hold them well... I think Macy was playing Rock Band then, cuz she didn't follow us. Lol. Anyvayz...
*importantness now!*
Then we went to youth group. Our lesson stuffs for right now is about the different names of God, and how they represent him. This week, we learned about Jehovah. Jehovah was such a special name to the Hebrews, that they would sparingly use it, even in the writing of the Bible. It represents God's holiness, and justice of consquence toward sin, and yet the love that he has for us. Pretty awesome message. :)
*sigh*
Overall, good weekend. :)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Books I read/read and why I write.
GAH.
I really have been procrastinating... in fact, some of the assignments, I wasn't hardly aware of. Like, I might have been heard of it once, from a couple of other people, and then never remembered that it was due/or becoming due.
This weekend, I think I might end up just doing HOMEWORK. o.ee Leanne's not gonna be home/availible for talking.
It feels like a Friday night.
*sigh*
Anyway...
Breathing Underwater is an amazing book by Alex Flinn about an abusive guy... and his family, and his friends, his school, his anger-management classes, and his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know everyone loves reading those books... xP. But honestly... really amazing book. *spoilersaheadforpeoplewhowillstillreadthisbook* He grew up with an abusive father, however, he never looks it. Everyone in his school thinks he's got a perfect life, big house, great car, on the football team, popular... but, he really doesn't. He's smart. He's 'attractive'. He seems like a great guy...
But, he realizes that he's got something more from his dad than just those green eyes, staring him down in the mirror every morning.
Enter, Caitlin McCourt, his "dream girl". Pretty, smart, and with issues of her own, she walks into his life, and he falls in love. Or, so it seems. He saves her from a Junior in High School at a party, beating him up, and they kiss for the first time. "...I was right. Hers was the kiss that mattered." he writes, in his journal, assigned to him from the judge at the beginning of the book, when Caitlin gets a restraining order upon him.
He walks around the school, his friends scorning him, no one daring to speak to him, Caitlin's best friend Elsa, writing on a board in English "GO NICK! BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!", many kids giving him comments, speaking that they wrote it. He practices strategies of controlling himself, and writing in the journal, simply wanting to recall the good times. With him and Caitlin. Happy, together...
That's just a little preview of the book I got all together, and ya know... you gotta read it.
I am one of the few sadistic people who would sit and say "I wanna write a problem novel." out of good purpose, but yeah, I would sit down and say that.
This past year ('07-early '08), books that have influenced some of the darker parts of my writing, as well as some books that really made me think/cry/wanna cry: Cut by Patricia McCormick (wanting to understand cutters, having friends and acquiantences [sp?] with such experience...), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (the main character is also a selective mute, who was raped), Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn (the author being a girl, inspired to write 'Breathing Underwater' after volunteering at a battered woman's shelter), A Corner of the Universe by Ann M. Martin (a Juvenile Novel, yet, just as powerful and beautiful and tragic as any 'higher level' YA novel, about a recently-turned 12 year old girl, named Hattie Owen, in 1960, meeting and befriending her 20 year old uncle, who had just been released from a mental institution, for a condition diagnosed as a mix of autism and schizophrenia, whose perfectionist parents locked him away, in order not to ruin their family's reputation, looking down at their daughter's marriage of a dreamer artsy-type and boarding home business. Her uncle, Adam, seems just like a child at heart, kind, different, yet a true friend to her. She learns many things from him, and yet, in the end, tragedy strikes, but her learning to treat others with kindness and compassion is not forgotten. *tryingnottospoilhere...GOODBOOK.READIT.*), Rules by Cynthia Lord (another good juve. novel, much lighter, yet still featuring a 12-year-old female protagonist, a character with autism, this time, her little brother, and a physically disabled and mute boy who becomes a very close friend to the girl. Another great book. Lots of similar themes to 'A Corner of the Universe', yet, more concentrated on the themes of treating people the same, no matter how they look, the way they act. And not being afraid to be different, as well, because a lot of people won't stand up for people who are different, no matter how or why they're different. Just not fitting into that convenient little pocket of stereotype everyone wants to be in is enough for some people to reject you, and that's stupid. *sorryaboutmyADDsubjectchanges,but...yah.Seriously.*)
Other writing/thoughts of writing influences:
-That one email that inspired "Haunted"
-My personal life (Random events)
-My friends' personal lives *DON'TSHOOTME!* *hides*
-Life in general
-"Political" issues (the kind of stuff that would influence voters in the 'run' this year; things like abortion, gay rights, etc., etc. *pro-life,ibelievepeoplearepeople,fetusesareahumanlife,peoplesin,peopleMAKECHOICES,and...probablyrepublican.*sigh**)
-People around me
-'The issues' (a few of them listed in 'political issues', which, they may be the same, but... I'm gonna just make this seperate. Things like drugs, abuse, other addictions, teen pregnancy, etc. )
-Mental disorders
-GOD
My faith really is at the core. I accept that there is darkness in the world, and that's something that needs to change. I realize things, I am aware. And I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save us from this darkness, our sins. I believe in redemption. All the unwritten endings in my mind aren't entirely unhappy. They're endings that end with hope and redemption and faith and love. And like in real life, though it's difficult for me to do at times, not all characters have the happiest endings. If I actually got to writing, there is that light... in the darkness. My characters will not end up miserable forever. They relapse, yes, they get stressed out, they get depressed, but their desire to change, their efforts, they are not in vain in the end. I like triumphant endings. I like happy endings. I LOVE "happily ever afters". And I believe everyone can have a happy ending, if they put their faith in Him and do His will.
My problem in writing truly is discipline; it's not as though I lack inspiration. Truly, every little thing can be an inspiration to me. I just need to get working at it, work harder, try harder, do what the english teacher says about adjectives and adverbs and spelling and organization and all that... take every little thing to improve my writing seriously.
God Bless you all. :) Love ya!
- Aly
I really have been procrastinating... in fact, some of the assignments, I wasn't hardly aware of. Like, I might have been heard of it once, from a couple of other people, and then never remembered that it was due/or becoming due.
This weekend, I think I might end up just doing HOMEWORK. o.ee Leanne's not gonna be home/availible for talking.
It feels like a Friday night.
*sigh*
Anyway...
Breathing Underwater is an amazing book by Alex Flinn about an abusive guy... and his family, and his friends, his school, his anger-management classes, and his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know everyone loves reading those books... xP. But honestly... really amazing book. *spoilersaheadforpeoplewhowillstillreadthisbook* He grew up with an abusive father, however, he never looks it. Everyone in his school thinks he's got a perfect life, big house, great car, on the football team, popular... but, he really doesn't. He's smart. He's 'attractive'. He seems like a great guy...
But, he realizes that he's got something more from his dad than just those green eyes, staring him down in the mirror every morning.
Enter, Caitlin McCourt, his "dream girl". Pretty, smart, and with issues of her own, she walks into his life, and he falls in love. Or, so it seems. He saves her from a Junior in High School at a party, beating him up, and they kiss for the first time. "...I was right. Hers was the kiss that mattered." he writes, in his journal, assigned to him from the judge at the beginning of the book, when Caitlin gets a restraining order upon him.
He walks around the school, his friends scorning him, no one daring to speak to him, Caitlin's best friend Elsa, writing on a board in English "GO NICK! BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!", many kids giving him comments, speaking that they wrote it. He practices strategies of controlling himself, and writing in the journal, simply wanting to recall the good times. With him and Caitlin. Happy, together...
That's just a little preview of the book I got all together, and ya know... you gotta read it.
I am one of the few sadistic people who would sit and say "I wanna write a problem novel." out of good purpose, but yeah, I would sit down and say that.
This past year ('07-early '08), books that have influenced some of the darker parts of my writing, as well as some books that really made me think/cry/wanna cry: Cut by Patricia McCormick (wanting to understand cutters, having friends and acquiantences [sp?] with such experience...), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (the main character is also a selective mute, who was raped), Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn (the author being a girl, inspired to write 'Breathing Underwater' after volunteering at a battered woman's shelter), A Corner of the Universe by Ann M. Martin (a Juvenile Novel, yet, just as powerful and beautiful and tragic as any 'higher level' YA novel, about a recently-turned 12 year old girl, named Hattie Owen, in 1960, meeting and befriending her 20 year old uncle, who had just been released from a mental institution, for a condition diagnosed as a mix of autism and schizophrenia, whose perfectionist parents locked him away, in order not to ruin their family's reputation, looking down at their daughter's marriage of a dreamer artsy-type and boarding home business. Her uncle, Adam, seems just like a child at heart, kind, different, yet a true friend to her. She learns many things from him, and yet, in the end, tragedy strikes, but her learning to treat others with kindness and compassion is not forgotten. *tryingnottospoilhere...GOODBOOK.READIT.*), Rules by Cynthia Lord (another good juve. novel, much lighter, yet still featuring a 12-year-old female protagonist, a character with autism, this time, her little brother, and a physically disabled and mute boy who becomes a very close friend to the girl. Another great book. Lots of similar themes to 'A Corner of the Universe', yet, more concentrated on the themes of treating people the same, no matter how they look, the way they act. And not being afraid to be different, as well, because a lot of people won't stand up for people who are different, no matter how or why they're different. Just not fitting into that convenient little pocket of stereotype everyone wants to be in is enough for some people to reject you, and that's stupid. *sorryaboutmyADDsubjectchanges,but...yah.Seriously.*)
Other writing/thoughts of writing influences:
-That one email that inspired "Haunted"
-My personal life (Random events)
-My friends' personal lives *DON'TSHOOTME!* *hides*
-Life in general
-"Political" issues (the kind of stuff that would influence voters in the 'run' this year; things like abortion, gay rights, etc., etc. *pro-life,ibelievepeoplearepeople,fetusesareahumanlife,peoplesin,peopleMAKECHOICES,and...probablyrepublican.*sigh**)
-People around me
-'The issues' (a few of them listed in 'political issues', which, they may be the same, but... I'm gonna just make this seperate. Things like drugs, abuse, other addictions, teen pregnancy, etc. )
-Mental disorders
-GOD
My faith really is at the core. I accept that there is darkness in the world, and that's something that needs to change. I realize things, I am aware. And I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save us from this darkness, our sins. I believe in redemption. All the unwritten endings in my mind aren't entirely unhappy. They're endings that end with hope and redemption and faith and love. And like in real life, though it's difficult for me to do at times, not all characters have the happiest endings. If I actually got to writing, there is that light... in the darkness. My characters will not end up miserable forever. They relapse, yes, they get stressed out, they get depressed, but their desire to change, their efforts, they are not in vain in the end. I like triumphant endings. I like happy endings. I LOVE "happily ever afters". And I believe everyone can have a happy ending, if they put their faith in Him and do His will.
My problem in writing truly is discipline; it's not as though I lack inspiration. Truly, every little thing can be an inspiration to me. I just need to get working at it, work harder, try harder, do what the english teacher says about adjectives and adverbs and spelling and organization and all that... take every little thing to improve my writing seriously.
God Bless you all. :) Love ya!
- Aly
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The Shrink (a poem-thing)
Life inspires me once more to write a poem/song-like-item. It's kind of a... weird titled thing, lots of metaphorical things, I think... or that's how it turned out in my mind. Be known that I do not write rough drafts (like, evaarrr) in my blog. (Manual, Manual of Life= metaphors for the Bible)
The Shrink
The world is suffering
From society-based schizophrenia
Dark voices telling them lies
And the truth is distorted
The shrink is there
With calls for suicidal thoughts and anger
Sadness, grief, frustrations
Compulsions and obsessions
Unhealthy habits
Anxiety problems, and anorexia, bullimia
She hears their stories everyday
She wants to help, but doesn't know what to say
She prays, and prays, but doesn't stop to listen
Especially when she should
The shrink has problems too
But they don't matter to her
Oh, she shouldn't have made it past internship
There isn't enough training that will ever make her get used to this
No amount of preparation
She's desensitized at times
Reviews her patients' files
Feels angry at times
But she pushes it away
Oh they need her, yes they do
Or do they, really?
They need God, yes they do
She prays
She's afraid to speak sometimes and feels ashamed
The 'bosses' at work suffer from that schizophrenia too
The voices telling them it's wrong
The voice that says it's politically incorrect
Offensive
To tell them about the Lord that leads her way
Stressful day, after stressful day
She sits and prays
She needs to read her Manual a little bit more
She'll fight not to go insane
Not to fall into the voices that threaten her precious mind and heart
She'll fight to do what's right
And avoid what is wrong
Sometimes her patients won't want her words
And professional lines will have to drop
As she steps in and holds them close
Lets their tears fall on her shirt
She fights everyday against those disorders
That threaten her own life
Mental hypochondriac she wished to diagnose herself
But pills don't fight the lies of the dark voices
God is on her side
She fights the lies everyday and every night
She won't listen to those voices
No matter how hard it is
If someone falls, she'll ask for God's guidance
Let him lift them up
If she is called upon, she will do her part
That's her job
And now she knows to do it willingly
The difference between right and wrong
And friend and psychiatrist or psychologist
Are reminding her
And God shines light down through the darkness
She will follow it
Let the Manual of Life show her what should be done
Rather than fall into the voices.
The Shrink
The world is suffering
From society-based schizophrenia
Dark voices telling them lies
And the truth is distorted
The shrink is there
With calls for suicidal thoughts and anger
Sadness, grief, frustrations
Compulsions and obsessions
Unhealthy habits
Anxiety problems, and anorexia, bullimia
She hears their stories everyday
She wants to help, but doesn't know what to say
She prays, and prays, but doesn't stop to listen
Especially when she should
The shrink has problems too
But they don't matter to her
Oh, she shouldn't have made it past internship
There isn't enough training that will ever make her get used to this
No amount of preparation
She's desensitized at times
Reviews her patients' files
Feels angry at times
But she pushes it away
Oh they need her, yes they do
Or do they, really?
They need God, yes they do
She prays
She's afraid to speak sometimes and feels ashamed
The 'bosses' at work suffer from that schizophrenia too
The voices telling them it's wrong
The voice that says it's politically incorrect
Offensive
To tell them about the Lord that leads her way
Stressful day, after stressful day
She sits and prays
She needs to read her Manual a little bit more
She'll fight not to go insane
Not to fall into the voices that threaten her precious mind and heart
She'll fight to do what's right
And avoid what is wrong
Sometimes her patients won't want her words
And professional lines will have to drop
As she steps in and holds them close
Lets their tears fall on her shirt
She fights everyday against those disorders
That threaten her own life
Mental hypochondriac she wished to diagnose herself
But pills don't fight the lies of the dark voices
God is on her side
She fights the lies everyday and every night
She won't listen to those voices
No matter how hard it is
If someone falls, she'll ask for God's guidance
Let him lift them up
If she is called upon, she will do her part
That's her job
And now she knows to do it willingly
The difference between right and wrong
And friend and psychiatrist or psychologist
Are reminding her
And God shines light down through the darkness
She will follow it
Let the Manual of Life show her what should be done
Rather than fall into the voices.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Gahhhh meehhh neehhh rawrr aaaaagghhhh errrgh. *headdesk*(rant/angst/item/thing?)
Earlier tonight I declared that it was emospazzing night! Hooray! You know, the night when I emotionally beat myself up for being stupid toward other people, and not knowing how to handle things... I feel like I've stepped back one hundred steps from my empathy and sensitivity toward people... I feel horribly guilty for not calling people who probably needed someone to talk to. For not caring as much as I should. For dismissing things that people did that needed to be addressed. For not being a supportive friend...
Well, I WAS just feeling better, but my happiness level went down a bit from pointing out negative things... dam_, erm... dang... you pessimism...
Anyway, I am feeling okay now. Because I can darkly poke fun at my own problems, which means I have issues right now. *headdeskheaddeskheaddesk*
Lord, forgive me.
One of the Sam's was telling me about how great reading the Bible was. And I was AMAZED by how he'd changed again, just from reading the Bible. I am so glad he's doing so well right now... his faith is incredible. I admire him.
I was truly amazed. God really works in our lives... So much. I've gotta let him in...
Even when I'm misunderstood, or when I'm doing anything wrong... and when I don't know what to do for people. I want to take those 100 steps forward again... even though it's probably going to take some work, if I don't focus. I just know that God is always there no matter what... So I'm going to have to give it all to him.
Well, I WAS just feeling better, but my happiness level went down a bit from pointing out negative things... dam_, erm... dang... you pessimism...
Anyway, I am feeling okay now. Because I can darkly poke fun at my own problems, which means I have issues right now. *headdeskheaddeskheaddesk*
Lord, forgive me.
One of the Sam's was telling me about how great reading the Bible was. And I was AMAZED by how he'd changed again, just from reading the Bible. I am so glad he's doing so well right now... his faith is incredible. I admire him.
I was truly amazed. God really works in our lives... So much. I've gotta let him in...
Even when I'm misunderstood, or when I'm doing anything wrong... and when I don't know what to do for people. I want to take those 100 steps forward again... even though it's probably going to take some work, if I don't focus. I just know that God is always there no matter what... So I'm going to have to give it all to him.
Friday, July 4, 2008
...(vent/whatever (kind of an 'emo-pressing' vent))
I need to vent.
It's wrong, but, I want to... I mean, did Jesus not knock over tables in anger, or something like that? I'm venting... I'm not going to say any names.
I can't take this. How can someone say "Oh, it's Natural Selection that that idiot kid died cuz he was imitating some character on TV! Lol! One less idiot in the world!" No. Just... no. 10 year old's don't die because of natural selection. There is sin in the world, and being so cruel and insensitive like that, is wrong. Wrong. I'm being wrong. I thought some pretty bad stuff... I wanna go blow up to some people right now. But I'm not going to...
Okay. Casting Crowns is very helpful right now.
I need to love people like Jesus, who ate dinner with the 'tax-collectors and sinners', and let the lady with the loose hair wash his feet. People struggle. People don't understand. People are swallowed up in the darkness and sin of this world and lured by temptation from the Devil. I'm not one of them... and I can't condemn them. I've just got to do what I can. I HAVE to stick to God. No. Matter. What.
Some quotes from my friend, from a thread on a site where 'proselyetize is 'not allowed.' He wrote them a long time ago. In my blog, he's Sam. He's changed. He's struggling. He's not like the people who condemned him in that thread, but he's hurting. He needs to heal and come back to Christ. He was so devout and 'overzealous' to some... he may have sounded like a bit of an advertisement to some, may have been 'shoving' his 'religion' down their throats.
..."but you must know that winning people to christ is an amazing thing. why should it not be allowed? what if someone didn't answer to this topic but read it and understood it and the holy spirit took over. what if that somebody is saved right now from the firey clutches of eternal Hell. you can't honestly think that going to Hell for all eternity is any better than going to Heaven with a few people you don't like. i can guarentee that anyone in Hell right now would gladly switch lives with any one of you. Hell is NOT a good place to be. and to think that Jesus died a long and painful death on the cross just to give us a second chance to get in to Heaven is just unbelievable!!! and yet some do not see that and don't want to because it might make them afraid or it might hurt their feelings! that makes it our job as christians to give as many people as humanly possible a chance at going to Heaven and staying out of the clutches of the Devil who would kill just to make sure we don't find God! Jesus could come back tomarrow morning or an hour even and he is going to collect the souls that trust in him and leave the unbelivers here on Earth where if they are not killed will suffer years of Satan's wrath! it is the christian's job to win people to Christ and you're not going to tell me i can't do it because it's against the rules. because i might make some people feel sad. that's a price i am willing to take if it means keeping people out of the fiery trenches of Hell!!! some of you might think that Satan is your friend. that Satan is here to help but he's not! he tricks you into thinking he's your friend so that when you turn around he can stab you in the back and God's the only person who can save you from that! So believe what you want to believe everybody but you'll be wishing you would've paid a little more attention in Sunday School when Jesus comes."Those Who Seek God Will Be Rewarded"- Hebrews 11:6"
"Yay! i didn't know so many people were christians! it's GREAT isn't it?! and *insert username of member here*, you don't have to go to hell you know. as long as you accept christ as your lord and savior and say the sinner's prayer, you don't have to go to hell. that's the free gift Jesus Christ gave us when he willingly died on the cross. isn't that just amazing! God doesn't want you to go to hell. that's why he gave his only son to die on the cross for OUR sins. Jesus didn't sin once in his entire life. he was literally PERFECT. and yet he died on the cross for us anyway! you see, God doesn't want to go to hell. Jesus died on the cross so that we could have the chance to get into Heaven. it's a free gift The Lord gave to sinners. and we are all sinners by the way. it's your choice if you want to accept the gift given to you by The Lord Jesus Christ who loves you so much he would die for YOU! it's never too late to get saved. but don't wait! you could pass way as you sleep tonight. it's a scary thing to imagine but happens much to often. it's not such a scary thing however once you get saved. because the second you get saved, you're going to Heaven. so then when you go to bed, thinking you may pass away right where you're laying, it's not so scary. because now, you know that if you were to die, you're going to Heaven. Forever. Where you can see Jesus. The one you call, your Lord and Savior. May God be with you all. And all who did not post. The Lord loves you all. Just the same."
How can people fall apart? He's straying... I need to be there for him.
New favorite band-
Casting Crowns
I'm almost crying right now. It feels like how I used to look at the old church directory pictures, and see this huge family of about 9, all smiling, a couple of pouting teenagers, and this grinning little, 7-year-old boy, who looked like the kid from Steuart Little (2002 directory), and then look at the most recent directory, from 2006, and... knowing how the family split... 5 people. In that picture. His parents divorced. Sister, or whoever the girl was, grew up. I know she's alive, because I tried to reach someone of their last name through an operator, and they tried to get me there. The boy had longer hair now, different glasses, a faint smile, pale skin. I knew there was more behind that, however.
This boy was Mark.
And he still is Mark. It seemed he'd had trouble talking to me about his family, and when he did, none of the stories were happy. It wasn't like my novel boy, or like Troy Abbort, it wasn't like he was being physically abused, or neglected, but his family... definitely had dysfunction. I never got extreme specifics. But I knew some things. His parents divorced.
I got told something about cousins and adoption and aunts and uncles in car crashes from someone else, not from Mark, but I don't know exactly what happened...
He was hurting too.
My friend, a girl, lost, and searching. She says she's a Christian. But I think she might just be 'religious', at the times she is. I hate that word... I am not religious. I have a relationship with Christ. He is my Lord, my Savior, my Heavenly father. He's a friend. He shouldn't be as distant as I put him off, but He IS my friend.
Either way, her faith... I don't know if she understands. She's had crappy boyfriends. Tons of them. One of them, a drug-addicted, cheating, player, tried to get her to do things she absolutely DIDN'T want to do. She told me in the summer before sixth grade that she had kissed a girl. She's obssessed with boys. She doesn't want to get pregnant, or have sex or any of that. She just 'loves' them. But everytime she gets into a relationship, everytime a boy hurts her by cheating on her, or breaking up with her for some stupid reason, I watch her get hurt. I hear her over the phone, angry and hurt. I hear her. I'm one of the so-called 'few' people she's told that she was bi. I don't call her enough. I need to talk to her. And though I'm so quick to say something wrong is fun, or anything of the like, jokingly, I can't confront someone about something like that. I can't do that. I can't shove my faith down my throat. Even my youth pastor says not to do that. But I have to tell her it's wrong somehow... though, if she accepts Christ as her savior in truth, and believes in Him fully, is her sin not forgiven? Most likely it is forgiven. But to repeat that, again and again.
Her boyfriends are the ones who have the problems. She's torn apart inside, I know it. Her mom, she doesn't even know her mom's age. Her mom is rather overweight; she got one of those gastric bypass surgeries, or something of the like, and she just wants the best for her daughter; she doesn't seem to know that much about her daughter's relationships, or her preference. She let her transfer schools when the one she went to wasn't working out, however. But putting a bunch of troubled, high-risk kids, in ONE school... how does that help? I suppose it could... but the bullying... cutting, suicidal thoughts... I guess you can't really blame a school for that. But it's so much easier, isn't it? I wasn't there for her when she was like that. I wasn't there. I wasn't there to listen. I need to call her... check up on her... just be her friend, at the very least.
I am deathly afraid of any of my friends going to anywhere other than Heaven. Maybe it's wrong... to think like that. Just because I want them with me. It's not as though I'll be lonely. I don't know what my motives are sometimes. I do, however, honestly, want them all to get saved, and share my joy. And feel God's love surrounding them. I want them to be there to know that.
I could list all my friends and my friends' various problems right now.
But that's not the point... I need to be here for those who are CLOSE to me. Not just online. And not just the few people that I actually, selfishly, choose to call during the day. The people that need someone, are the ones I need to talk to. Lord, please help me... give me your guidance.
It's wrong, but, I want to... I mean, did Jesus not knock over tables in anger, or something like that? I'm venting... I'm not going to say any names.
I can't take this. How can someone say "Oh, it's Natural Selection that that idiot kid died cuz he was imitating some character on TV! Lol! One less idiot in the world!" No. Just... no. 10 year old's don't die because of natural selection. There is sin in the world, and being so cruel and insensitive like that, is wrong. Wrong. I'm being wrong. I thought some pretty bad stuff... I wanna go blow up to some people right now. But I'm not going to...
Okay. Casting Crowns is very helpful right now.
I need to love people like Jesus, who ate dinner with the 'tax-collectors and sinners', and let the lady with the loose hair wash his feet. People struggle. People don't understand. People are swallowed up in the darkness and sin of this world and lured by temptation from the Devil. I'm not one of them... and I can't condemn them. I've just got to do what I can. I HAVE to stick to God. No. Matter. What.
Some quotes from my friend, from a thread on a site where 'proselyetize is 'not allowed.' He wrote them a long time ago. In my blog, he's Sam. He's changed. He's struggling. He's not like the people who condemned him in that thread, but he's hurting. He needs to heal and come back to Christ. He was so devout and 'overzealous' to some... he may have sounded like a bit of an advertisement to some, may have been 'shoving' his 'religion' down their throats.
..."but you must know that winning people to christ is an amazing thing. why should it not be allowed? what if someone didn't answer to this topic but read it and understood it and the holy spirit took over. what if that somebody is saved right now from the firey clutches of eternal Hell. you can't honestly think that going to Hell for all eternity is any better than going to Heaven with a few people you don't like. i can guarentee that anyone in Hell right now would gladly switch lives with any one of you. Hell is NOT a good place to be. and to think that Jesus died a long and painful death on the cross just to give us a second chance to get in to Heaven is just unbelievable!!! and yet some do not see that and don't want to because it might make them afraid or it might hurt their feelings! that makes it our job as christians to give as many people as humanly possible a chance at going to Heaven and staying out of the clutches of the Devil who would kill just to make sure we don't find God! Jesus could come back tomarrow morning or an hour even and he is going to collect the souls that trust in him and leave the unbelivers here on Earth where if they are not killed will suffer years of Satan's wrath! it is the christian's job to win people to Christ and you're not going to tell me i can't do it because it's against the rules. because i might make some people feel sad. that's a price i am willing to take if it means keeping people out of the fiery trenches of Hell!!! some of you might think that Satan is your friend. that Satan is here to help but he's not! he tricks you into thinking he's your friend so that when you turn around he can stab you in the back and God's the only person who can save you from that! So believe what you want to believe everybody but you'll be wishing you would've paid a little more attention in Sunday School when Jesus comes."Those Who Seek God Will Be Rewarded"- Hebrews 11:6"
"Yay! i didn't know so many people were christians! it's GREAT isn't it?! and *insert username of member here*, you don't have to go to hell you know. as long as you accept christ as your lord and savior and say the sinner's prayer, you don't have to go to hell. that's the free gift Jesus Christ gave us when he willingly died on the cross. isn't that just amazing! God doesn't want you to go to hell. that's why he gave his only son to die on the cross for OUR sins. Jesus didn't sin once in his entire life. he was literally PERFECT. and yet he died on the cross for us anyway! you see, God doesn't want to go to hell. Jesus died on the cross so that we could have the chance to get into Heaven. it's a free gift The Lord gave to sinners. and we are all sinners by the way. it's your choice if you want to accept the gift given to you by The Lord Jesus Christ who loves you so much he would die for YOU! it's never too late to get saved. but don't wait! you could pass way as you sleep tonight. it's a scary thing to imagine but happens much to often. it's not such a scary thing however once you get saved. because the second you get saved, you're going to Heaven. so then when you go to bed, thinking you may pass away right where you're laying, it's not so scary. because now, you know that if you were to die, you're going to Heaven. Forever. Where you can see Jesus. The one you call, your Lord and Savior. May God be with you all. And all who did not post. The Lord loves you all. Just the same."
How can people fall apart? He's straying... I need to be there for him.
New favorite band-
Casting Crowns
I'm almost crying right now. It feels like how I used to look at the old church directory pictures, and see this huge family of about 9, all smiling, a couple of pouting teenagers, and this grinning little, 7-year-old boy, who looked like the kid from Steuart Little (2002 directory), and then look at the most recent directory, from 2006, and... knowing how the family split... 5 people. In that picture. His parents divorced. Sister, or whoever the girl was, grew up. I know she's alive, because I tried to reach someone of their last name through an operator, and they tried to get me there. The boy had longer hair now, different glasses, a faint smile, pale skin. I knew there was more behind that, however.
This boy was Mark.
And he still is Mark. It seemed he'd had trouble talking to me about his family, and when he did, none of the stories were happy. It wasn't like my novel boy, or like Troy Abbort, it wasn't like he was being physically abused, or neglected, but his family... definitely had dysfunction. I never got extreme specifics. But I knew some things. His parents divorced.
I got told something about cousins and adoption and aunts and uncles in car crashes from someone else, not from Mark, but I don't know exactly what happened...
He was hurting too.
My friend, a girl, lost, and searching. She says she's a Christian. But I think she might just be 'religious', at the times she is. I hate that word... I am not religious. I have a relationship with Christ. He is my Lord, my Savior, my Heavenly father. He's a friend. He shouldn't be as distant as I put him off, but He IS my friend.
Either way, her faith... I don't know if she understands. She's had crappy boyfriends. Tons of them. One of them, a drug-addicted, cheating, player, tried to get her to do things she absolutely DIDN'T want to do. She told me in the summer before sixth grade that she had kissed a girl. She's obssessed with boys. She doesn't want to get pregnant, or have sex or any of that. She just 'loves' them. But everytime she gets into a relationship, everytime a boy hurts her by cheating on her, or breaking up with her for some stupid reason, I watch her get hurt. I hear her over the phone, angry and hurt. I hear her. I'm one of the so-called 'few' people she's told that she was bi. I don't call her enough. I need to talk to her. And though I'm so quick to say something wrong is fun, or anything of the like, jokingly, I can't confront someone about something like that. I can't do that. I can't shove my faith down my throat. Even my youth pastor says not to do that. But I have to tell her it's wrong somehow... though, if she accepts Christ as her savior in truth, and believes in Him fully, is her sin not forgiven? Most likely it is forgiven. But to repeat that, again and again.
Her boyfriends are the ones who have the problems. She's torn apart inside, I know it. Her mom, she doesn't even know her mom's age. Her mom is rather overweight; she got one of those gastric bypass surgeries, or something of the like, and she just wants the best for her daughter; she doesn't seem to know that much about her daughter's relationships, or her preference. She let her transfer schools when the one she went to wasn't working out, however. But putting a bunch of troubled, high-risk kids, in ONE school... how does that help? I suppose it could... but the bullying... cutting, suicidal thoughts... I guess you can't really blame a school for that. But it's so much easier, isn't it? I wasn't there for her when she was like that. I wasn't there. I wasn't there to listen. I need to call her... check up on her... just be her friend, at the very least.
I am deathly afraid of any of my friends going to anywhere other than Heaven. Maybe it's wrong... to think like that. Just because I want them with me. It's not as though I'll be lonely. I don't know what my motives are sometimes. I do, however, honestly, want them all to get saved, and share my joy. And feel God's love surrounding them. I want them to be there to know that.
I could list all my friends and my friends' various problems right now.
But that's not the point... I need to be here for those who are CLOSE to me. Not just online. And not just the few people that I actually, selfishly, choose to call during the day. The people that need someone, are the ones I need to talk to. Lord, please help me... give me your guidance.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
I NEED TO WRITE!!!!
Screw explanations. (I-I... I mean... yeah, I mean screw explanations. )
I need to write. I just have to. A series of random songs and poems off the top of my head.
I need to write. I just have to. A series of random songs and poems off the top of my head.
Come Home Soon
(v.1)
I hate when I have to anticipate your arrival time
You need to come home soon
This has happened way too
Many times
You need to come home
Call the phone, because I know
You can
The line was busy, but I'm sorry
Come home soon
Every time, since I was a little girl
I'd wait, praying for you desperately
You'd come home, late, or in the morning
For your various reasons
And now it's time for this again
I'm trying not to think that you will come home safely
Because I'm afraid that will jinx what has happened before
I need to give it up to God, and pray that you'll come home
I need to stop worrying so much
(chorus)
But everytime you take so long
Past 8:30, and you're still not back yet
You need to give us a call
I don't care if it's 2 in the morning
When you're out for some wrong reason
Or anything excusable
We all just need to hear your voice
Because we love you
Come home soon
(v.2)
I'm waiting for you to call
I know I shouldn't be anxious
And I know whatever God's will is
It will happen
Please keep driving
Hurry home
Have you called the cell?
Are you on your way?
Where are you?
Did you know one night at home
And during a storm
I don't remember how old I was, but I stared at the window
Sobbing
Not knowing if you were coming home or not
But you still did...
I pray everything's alright
(chorus)
(song ending)
We love you
Come home soon
I don't care what you've done in the past
We still love you
All of us
Your heart is looking toward God
And we trust him to bring you safely back to us
---------
My Personal Jacob (a poem)
We never said those things out loud
The words upon our minds
The words 'I love you'
Or, 'You're Beautiful'
Or anything like that
We were best friends for just so long
And I guess it developed into something else
We tried that relationship once, and it faded
And yet, the feelings went on
But when you took someone else to your heart
I wandered off, and thought I'd moved on
I found someone else
I thought I loved him too
And then those weeks where 'we' fluttered
Things unsure
And then you told me things I thought I'd never hear
And it was hard to say no to you
And every word I said
About love and everything
I meant that
But I'm not sure how I meant it
And then we both were left without boyfriend or girlfriend
And you wanted me
Did I really want you?
I thought about 'him' all the time...
And yet I said yes
A weeklong relationship, we tried again
Your arm around my neck
On a ferris wheel
Next to a friend, who was another girl
Who also previously liked you; one of your best friends
And on a ski lift, I got my first kiss
From that other boy I 'loved'
Next to one of my best friends
I wonder if they were jealous, or nervous, or just weirded out
I don't know myself anymore
Or at least what emotions are
Or what they mean
Or what I'm feeling
It's hard to distinguish anything
When I think about you and him
But my personal Jacob Black, you know I love you too
Maybe not the way you want, and I know for you
It won't be enough
When you joked about six years later, coming to my house
To meet my parents
We would be nineteen
Or at least I would
How could I tear that dream apart for you?
Did you really want that?
I did, though, didn't I?
Do you still want to be my friend?
I received your message
One-liners, no replies
On the chat
Even with the jokes...
Or whatever that is
Are you still hurt?
Is there anything I can do?
What is there I can do?
Please...
I don't want to lose you.
------------
And these lyrics aren't mine...
Broken and Beautiful, by Mark Schultz
There’s a businessman, there’s a widowed wife
A smiling face with a shattered life
A teenage girl with a choice to make
It’s crowded here in church today
And the preacher says as the sermon ends
“Please close your eyes, bow your heads
Is there anyone in need of prayer,
Oh Jesus wants to meet you here”
Cause we all fall short, and we all have sinned
But when you let, God’s grace break in
(Chorus)
It’s Beautiful, Beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Well he’d never been to church before
But he came today as a last resort
His world was crashing in
And he was suffocating in his sin
But tears rolled down as hope rushed in
He closed his eyes, raised his hands
Worshipping the God who can
Bring him back to life again
(Chorus)
And it’s beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Cause there’s nothing more beautiful at all
Than when His sons and daughters call, broken
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Come as you are Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Come as you are
(Chorus)
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Come as you are
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Broken and beautiful
Broken and beautiful
Beautiful
((^This song is so incredible. I love it. It is truly amazing.))
I Live For You
(v.1)
Your love is eternal
Your creation is here
Lord, you are beautiful
Your words I can hear
Just when I see that creation
Yet, with all Your power, Your wonder
Your perfection
You love me
(chorus)
You sent Your son to the earth
To give his life
For me
For the world
A gift
We need to accept
To be with you
And that's where I want to be
(v.2)
I am sinful
I live in the world
That has been darkened by sin
And yet, I ask for your forgiveness
And my sins are no more
Your will is my will
Your glory is my purpose in life
(chorus)
(bridge; your love is deep, by Jami Smith)
Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I travel
Wider than the gap you fill (x2)
(chorus, x2)
I want to go where you want me to
Dear Lord
Your glory is my purpose.
^My first Christian/Worship song I've ever written down.
I Want to Live For You
(v.1)
Even in this world of darkness
The threatens to close in
You are here
You are the light
Even in this place of sorrow
That wishes to swallow us up
You are here
Our comforter
(chorus)
Dear Lord
Your love stretches high and low
Surrounding us
Your life was given for us
You love us so very much
The least I can do
Is live for you
(v.2)
Even when we run from you
We can always come back
Your open arms
Welcome
The prodigals
You're coming back for us
You're calling us to spread Your Word
You love us so much
(chorus)
(bridge)
I want to live for You
I want to live for You
I want to live for You
I want to live for You
(chorus, x2)
I have so much more I need to write right now. SO MUCH. Thank you, Lord!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
(Stand in the Rain~ Superchick is an amazing song) Sam, my friends, prayer, GOD LOVES EVERYONE
New Character
Sam (another one of the Sam-guys)- A guy from online. Kim met him on her Avadorkforumsiteness, while roleplaying, when she first started, in October 2006. He was fun-loving, happy, a Christian, and nice. But then, he took a long break, and came back, with girl problems, and various other issues... often coming to her, in moments where he is in desperate need for support, she is always doing her best to help him out, whenever something's wrong... and when he's online, those rare times.
----------------
I got home, I wanted to dance. At my friend's church, it's always awesome. It was just the message, and that incredible sky, again. When the clouds are breaking, from stormclouds, to sunlight... beautiful. I don't know how anyone can deny God, with that beautiful sky...
And I came home, still wanting to dance and write about joy and contentment in Him.
And I watched the mid-to-end parts of Shrek on TV with my Dad.
And then, I attempted to teach myself Coldplay's "The Scientist" better on the piano.
Then I got on the computer.
*sigh* Chatrooms= bad for your health. And rather depressing.
And then, Sam got on, again... I hadn't spoken to him in ages, as usual, so I messaged him. I had this uneasy feeling, like I knew something had recently gone wrong. And, I was actually correct.
I don't know how that whole 'hope for the best, expect the worst'-thing could ever fit in with optimism, though, I was really doing that right then.
I need to let go of everything, and let God take over. HE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY. If I let him speak through me, if I let HIS message go through me, I know things will work out.
Most helpful music when trying to help someone-
SUPERCHICK
Particularly- Stand In The Rain, Beauty From Pain, Courage, Hero, We Live (last three/two songs are only on occasion)
Mainly Stand in the Rain. Wonderful song...
I think I'm getting somewhere. I really need to go to the bathroom or something, but I was really nervous, like I usually am when talking to him, but, I think it's easing up a bit. I am so glad that I am talking to him right now. I've missed him, and I've been worried, I have to admit... though, I haven't been thinking of him lately, for which I am guilty. I'm going to put him back into my prayers, immediately. He needs prayer. He needs God. So badly... I know a lot of people who need God. A lot, many need Him, much more than Sam. He's a good friend of mine, even online, and I don't like seeing him hurt... I don't like seeing anyone hurt, really, but people who are close to me, people whose words I can read, or hear, or even see them... it's terrible, really.
I am constantly praying for my friends, and my family.
I love them all... and God loves them. He loves every one of those he created. His mercy is endless, if one believes in him, and his promises. Please let God in, everyone, those who don't believe in him. He is the one who made me, made you, and made it possible for us to live with him. He is my source of life, my source of hope, of joy, of comfort and support when I am in dark times.
Sam (another one of the Sam-guys)- A guy from online. Kim met him on her Avadorkforumsiteness, while roleplaying, when she first started, in October 2006. He was fun-loving, happy, a Christian, and nice. But then, he took a long break, and came back, with girl problems, and various other issues... often coming to her, in moments where he is in desperate need for support, she is always doing her best to help him out, whenever something's wrong... and when he's online, those rare times.
----------------
I got home, I wanted to dance. At my friend's church, it's always awesome. It was just the message, and that incredible sky, again. When the clouds are breaking, from stormclouds, to sunlight... beautiful. I don't know how anyone can deny God, with that beautiful sky...
And I came home, still wanting to dance and write about joy and contentment in Him.
And I watched the mid-to-end parts of Shrek on TV with my Dad.
And then, I attempted to teach myself Coldplay's "The Scientist" better on the piano.
Then I got on the computer.
*sigh* Chatrooms= bad for your health. And rather depressing.
And then, Sam got on, again... I hadn't spoken to him in ages, as usual, so I messaged him. I had this uneasy feeling, like I knew something had recently gone wrong. And, I was actually correct.
I don't know how that whole 'hope for the best, expect the worst'-thing could ever fit in with optimism, though, I was really doing that right then.
I need to let go of everything, and let God take over. HE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY. If I let him speak through me, if I let HIS message go through me, I know things will work out.
Most helpful music when trying to help someone-
SUPERCHICK
Particularly- Stand In The Rain, Beauty From Pain, Courage, Hero, We Live (last three/two songs are only on occasion)
Mainly Stand in the Rain. Wonderful song...
I think I'm getting somewhere. I really need to go to the bathroom or something, but I was really nervous, like I usually am when talking to him, but, I think it's easing up a bit. I am so glad that I am talking to him right now. I've missed him, and I've been worried, I have to admit... though, I haven't been thinking of him lately, for which I am guilty. I'm going to put him back into my prayers, immediately. He needs prayer. He needs God. So badly... I know a lot of people who need God. A lot, many need Him, much more than Sam. He's a good friend of mine, even online, and I don't like seeing him hurt... I don't like seeing anyone hurt, really, but people who are close to me, people whose words I can read, or hear, or even see them... it's terrible, really.
I am constantly praying for my friends, and my family.
I love them all... and God loves them. He loves every one of those he created. His mercy is endless, if one believes in him, and his promises. Please let God in, everyone, those who don't believe in him. He is the one who made me, made you, and made it possible for us to live with him. He is my source of life, my source of hope, of joy, of comfort and support when I am in dark times.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
*yawnz* Maybe I should go back to sleep... (Mission Trip rantness)
I'm tired cuz I got up at 7. Is that not pathetic? *sigh* *yaaaaaaaaaawn* Tiredness. Dx
Anyways, I decided to post a blog this morning. About... I dunno, we'll see.
I did one of my devotional thingies for the youth mission trip I'm doing in July... the little sections seem to be getting shorter, but the amount of pages for 'anticipation' remains the same, approximately 5 pages. But the reading devotion part things remains pretty long... the one I did today is about reverence. A deep respect. So, it spoke about how to show reverence to God, and the importance of showing reverence to higher authorities, like trip leaders, and local church leaders, and/or experienced mission trip peoples, on the trip. It'll be one interesting thing, I'll say that much. I've never been on a mission trip before, and although I'm not going out of the country, and about only... maybe anywhere between 5-8 hours out of the state, I know this is going to be a very different environment. And I'm good with that. I need to learn to be 'still' though, you know? Being at peace and having contentment with and in God is part of reverence to him... and so is listening to spiritual instruction, and praying to him.
So that's what I learned in my devotional today. (Our 'mission trip homework', heh...)
I miss Rose. (I hate coding right now... my brain does not have the capacity to code this morning... *yawn*) She is my bestest friend, and now her phone's like, dead or something, because she wasn't picking up yesterday... I hope everything's alright. (Her brother did something to the laptop, so she can't use that either... *headdesk*) I'm glad she's coming up in July for the trip though... even though the leaders will probably split everyone up. And I will show them reverence... even when I don't want to... but that's not right. Because I should want to. And I guess I do, if I do show them. I'll just miss hanging out with Rose all day, while working and stuffs... I heard it gets EXTREMELY hot over there... ugghhhh... South Dakota. And plus there's a dress code. DX Which means, even with temperatures, we are not permitted to wear any form of 'innappropriate' tank tops, or shorts... I don't need to worry about the shorts, cuz I don't wear shorts anyway, though I might want to once I get there. But the tops... yeah. My typical summer outfit:
Spaghetti strap tank top (with a built-in bra, so no need for extra... well, you know. And yes, those things still work for me, xP) and capris/skort.
I guess I'll be okay with it. Sweaty, but okay...
In all honesty, I'm really looking forward to this. It'll be like a week-long CareFest. Except, we're helping people directly... in Rapid City, South Dakota. It'll be a very new experience, and I think I'm going to like it. But I really do have a lot of spiritual preparation yet to do...
Well, talk at ya'll later.
-"Kim" (ALY)
Anyways, I decided to post a blog this morning. About... I dunno, we'll see.
I did one of my devotional thingies for the youth mission trip I'm doing in July... the little sections seem to be getting shorter, but the amount of pages for 'anticipation' remains the same, approximately 5 pages. But the reading devotion part things remains pretty long... the one I did today is about reverence. A deep respect. So, it spoke about how to show reverence to God, and the importance of showing reverence to higher authorities, like trip leaders, and local church leaders, and/or experienced mission trip peoples, on the trip. It'll be one interesting thing, I'll say that much. I've never been on a mission trip before, and although I'm not going out of the country, and about only... maybe anywhere between 5-8 hours out of the state, I know this is going to be a very different environment. And I'm good with that. I need to learn to be 'still' though, you know? Being at peace and having contentment with and in God is part of reverence to him... and so is listening to spiritual instruction, and praying to him.
So that's what I learned in my devotional today. (Our 'mission trip homework', heh...)
I miss Rose. (I hate coding right now... my brain does not have the capacity to code this morning... *yawn*) She is my bestest friend, and now her phone's like, dead or something, because she wasn't picking up yesterday... I hope everything's alright. (Her brother did something to the laptop, so she can't use that either... *headdesk*) I'm glad she's coming up in July for the trip though... even though the leaders will probably split everyone up. And I will show them reverence... even when I don't want to... but that's not right. Because I should want to. And I guess I do, if I do show them. I'll just miss hanging out with Rose all day, while working and stuffs... I heard it gets EXTREMELY hot over there... ugghhhh... South Dakota. And plus there's a dress code. DX Which means, even with temperatures, we are not permitted to wear any form of 'innappropriate' tank tops, or shorts... I don't need to worry about the shorts, cuz I don't wear shorts anyway, though I might want to once I get there. But the tops... yeah. My typical summer outfit:
Spaghetti strap tank top (with a built-in bra, so no need for extra... well, you know. And yes, those things still work for me, xP) and capris/skort.
I guess I'll be okay with it. Sweaty, but okay...
In all honesty, I'm really looking forward to this. It'll be like a week-long CareFest. Except, we're helping people directly... in Rapid City, South Dakota. It'll be a very new experience, and I think I'm going to like it. But I really do have a lot of spiritual preparation yet to do...
Well, talk at ya'll later.
-"Kim" (ALY)
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