A Reflection on A Funeral and Someone's Loss

I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack



I first heard this, or at least remember it the most recognizably, at a funeral. For someone whose son I hardly knew, and I probably had only seen him a couple of times in person... and never even spoke to him. I felt like I'd known him, just by what the pastor, or whoever spoke the longest up front said... I saw his daughter, my brother's age, walk up there, and say something. I was sitting on a higher level, but I saw the moisture in her eyes... his son, I don't exactly remember, but I'm not sure whether he came up there directly or not... I don't think he did, and if he did, I don't remember.



The song, "I Hope You Dance", was sung by someone I also didn't know... it didn't at all feel awkward to me, to be at a funeral that I felt I didn't know much. I was trying to pay respects, and to show my sympathies... at least without saying much. It made me silent. This whole thing. The first time I went to a funeral and comprehended it. It was last year, in sixth grade. We were allowed to walk to the church, along with our teacher, if we felt driven to go, for it was during the schoolday.



I couldn't believe it. It was horrible. Terrifyingly depressing. I just... I couldn't get myself to speak. I'd lost my ability to severely cry after a while, so I'd only almost cried... but almost crying is crying enough... if there are tears in your eyes for emotional purpose, it counts. I felt myself feeling empathy for this family. I felt a desperate need to reach out to his son, or anyone of them, in some way. But I wasn't someone close to them.



I had an almost morbid drive to write a poem about this. Any of it. I came up with one in my head, practically murmuring the words under my breath, when we got back to school. I didn't understand how the world could keep going when this family had lost someone so close, so important, so significant...



And I wrote the poem, about two weeks after. It wasn't like I imagined. But I'd written it.



A Family's Loss



A loving man

A life so great

Until it started

To fall, and break

A family's loss

A crying child

A grieving wife

A saddened son

His taken life



They were so close

But then they decided

To make a choice

To be apart

The children not

Understanding

Wondering why

They'd choose such a thing



A condition worse

Than cruel disease

Something that prevents

Enjoyment of life

A sadness deep

Yet almost hidden

Except by those so close

Who knew



Something he did

To try and stop it

But was unsuccessful

Pain worsening

So cold

Feeling so saddened

Every day, hurting

Nothing left

To do, but leave



His family grieving

Children's peers wondering

So many questions, answers unkown

And as the children are now crying

They will never forget

That loving man.



I didn't title it until I put it online, last November. It felt wrong... though I changed the dedication, so that it would be universal.



"These poems are a couple of older ones that I wrote when two students' and their families at my school experienced great loss. Dedicated to those who have had to go through things that the people from my school went through. I pray for you all every night, and hope for healing for all who have lost someone this important."



I think because I tried to make it universal, people would automatically come up with a natural cause for what had ocurred... and the only reason why this occasion was so terrible to me, was because this man had gone from something that couldn't be forgiven. And he'd left his family... like the poem said. He wasn't just taken... I don't know what to make of it. I know why, I can figure it out. Or not... but to watch someone go through that... and then to just hear it... that someone like that was gone, because of this. I don't ever know how his son managed. He seemed fine when he came back to school... I was extremely unstable in sixth grade, like, in the sense that I was pretty depressed and... dark..., so, I was amazed that he seemed fine. I think I almost wanted him to seem worse, looking over my diary, I think I wanted it for theatrical purpose, for writing something. And so I called myself psychotic and a whole bunch of other things I'd rather not talk about... but this isn't about me. I talked to the guidance counselor's sub (The other guidance counselor was out for a while), during a time, and referenced how surprising it was to see him so 'okay', during school, after what had just happened. And she explained that he probably has some times when he breaks down and maybe just cries when he thinks about it... I realized how wrong I'd been. I wasn't being empathetic, or compassionate, or even sympathetic then. I realized that he was probably mourning still, hurting terribly. And later on, now that I think about it, a lot of people think it's so wrong for a guy to cry in public... I realized, with loss, people will cover things up to make it seem they are strong, (while it's not weak to cry, or mourn, or feel hurt and show it), or for the sake of others, or they'll just go out and show the world how they feel, or they don't show it in public, or they close up completely... I've never experienced something so painful, so I don't know how it really feels, at least with that as a purpose.



I prayed for them every night for at least the next three months. Just silently, but I did. Though I was very selfish in the beginning, I wanted to do whatever I could to be there for them. I knew God was there for them. Even though they'd experienced a tragedy, he was there. I prayed for their faith, for their healing, for mercy and grace, and so much for healing... and I pray that they are recovering, though I know for sure, this is not something they will forget.



I don't know why I'm reliving this right now... This song. I continue listening to it right now. It felt like torture for a while. Even though it's a beautiful song, I always remember this when I hear it... Tommorrow, these guys aren't going to have their dad there... and I don't what I'd do without my dad. So I thank God for my family, for my father, especially, and for everything he's given me. For this beautiful life. Lord, don't ever let me do this... I pray for the future for all of us. I pray for the family I just wrote about. May they heal, Lord, and continue loving, and never forget what it's like. May they see Your love everyday.



Bless them, Lord, heal all who have suffered loss. Thank you for all the blessings you have granted my family, and all Lord. May we have hearts that please you.

Amen.