First off, I'd like to say, YOU PEOPLE ARE AMAZING TO STILL BE READING MY BLOG AFTER I'VE SEVERELY NEGLECTED IT.
Which I now do consistently.
I am so, so, so, SO, sorry, guys. Commenters (sp?), you are amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing your opinions of my blog, and for being very encouraging. You guys are all great.
--------
So, I don't really feel very inclined to talk about political issues right now, though I did write some interesting poetry on Facebook today after coming home from a half-day at school.
Other than that, I was just looking over old blogs, gmail chats, and emails. Particularly the things that had to do with my totally screwed dating life as of last year.
I never really have been on what I've called an "official" date, but I suppose I've "dated".
I've had boyfriends.
I can't believe I'm talking about this right now. Just rereading what I did, my gosh. I suck. I sucked as a girlfriend, I sucked. I was terrible.
Whenever I look back in my middle school past and think of times when I didn't really like my life, I always looked to sixth grade, where I was pretty depressed and at zero self-esteem.
And now I realize why I don't like touching seventh grade again.
What I learned in sixth grade:
I am not alone.
I don't need to be miserable.
SELF-INJURY IS BADDD.
EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
(btw, I never actually tried those things; I just contemplated them quite frequently.)
Helping others is amazing.
God is there for me, made me, and He WILL always be there for me.
God really DOES save your life. (literally, He did, does, and will continue to do so.)
Seventh Grade:
I guess I just learned how to be the worst possible girlfriend on the face of the planet.
After I read "For Young Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhan and Lisa A. Rice (lovingly coined "the guy book" by my friends and I) for the first time, I realized how many mistakes I'd made that probably put down guys I knew very much. More particularly, a certain guy formally coded "Jared" on this blog.
Man.
I was really, really, REALLY, terrible. It's not as though he was a perfect guy either, but, still. We were friends. He liked me. I consider myself to be the worse side of the so-called "former 'dating' relationship".
Not only did I badly hurt Jared, but probably Mark as well. And I was totally OBSESSED with Mark. I had Bella Swan syndrome for this guy! (Actually, more Edward Cullen syndrome... without all the suicide and crap; more Edward because I seriously considered and thought about marrying him in the long future that I thought could have stretched ahead of us.)
How naive is that?
I don't know...
But now, with this uber-suck crush on Sam #1, I just... it doesn't make any sense to me. I have practically no reason to like him. He isn't all that nice to me, and it's apparent I annoy him, a lot of the time, conciously.
I've decided to officially put away that crush crap right now.
I just can't do that to another guy, being friends is a better idea to me right now. After all that happened with Jared and Mark last year, I know it's best for me not to have a boyfriend for the simple purpose of liking to have a boyfriend. Because that's shallow.
And "love", I guess, shouldn't just be about emotions. I was sooo obsessed with emotions back then.
And though I'd "love" to just have a boyfriend right now, because it "feels" so good to, and though I'd "love" to really find the "one", (I doubt and confuse my own motives a ton) I'd also love to just "be in love."
Buuuuuuuuuuuut... None of those definitions fit this one exactly:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I really do like all of my friends, female or male. And I think, as difficult as it would be, especially for someone like ME, I should keep my guy friends just friends.
And thank you so much, to one of a really, really, great guy friend of mine, who I think would be a totally amazing boyfriend/husband to some lucky girl one day, for encouraging me and talking to me today, Nathaniel. You are so totally awesome. Seriously.
And to my female friends out there, thank you so much for putting up with me even when I'm an emotional/hormonal mess. You people amaze me. XD :) You are the best friends I have ever had, and I thank God for you every day.
I love you all,
God Bless,
Aly.
Showing posts with label thank you. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thank you. Show all posts
Friday, February 20, 2009
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I know my blogs have been short lately... *somewhat of another mission trip rant? and, introduction to Xatmates*
Note:
New characters; The Xat"roommates"
Xat- a place where people can make their own chatrooms about various things; or to just talk, or whatever. There are clans, fansite thingies, snapvine capablities, you know, widgets and all, are compatible. And, legally, it's supposed to be a 14 and up place. However... I have spotted some nine year olds on the room I often enter. O.O Which, is VERY unpurified, unrefined, unedited, uncut... if you know what I mean. This is where the teenagers who just wanna let it all out, be perverted with someone, or just talk, hang out. (Fortunately, a 'bad word filter' has been made, if one would so choose... even though it still doesn't get rid of all the really BAD swears and other language...)
Amy- The Owner of DarkWolves2776 and four other xatrooms. O.O (P.S. No copyright infrigement is meant here. DarkWolves may or may not be a real Xatroom, and if it is, I was not intending for this to be that way. I am changing names of people and 'places' for the sake of the privacy of such persons.)
Tasha- Previously mentioned. Friends with many of the typical members on DW2776. She has her own Xatrooms, and such, and is often online at DW2776 or her own xat.
Melton- A very dedicated Kataanger (Kataang- Katara/Aang ship in the Avatar Fandom), who takes 'shipping wars' to the literal sense, often launching 'attacks' on the Zutarians, of which Kim and Tasha are. He has somehow gotten the nicknames 'Mentos' and 'Milky'. (Kim made the milk one... for no particular reason.)
Dan- Nicknames are 'shiny, softy' and probably various other things. He has a rather perverted sense of humor, can be rather harsh at times, and is oftentimes rather depressed/pessimistic. Which, in his case, are either the same, or one leads to the next. Is actually pretty intelligent, brain-wise. He believes it's weak to ask for help, or to receive it... and already thinks he's weak, maybe just for being emotional. Somewhat angry at the world, for all the bad things that have come into his current life. I believe that he takes out a lot of his anger on people, however, the insults he gives toward them, are completely undeserved by the people.
I've recently been staying up till times past 1:00 am lately. T.T I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday, and got up today at 8:20-something-ish. O.O
I've gotta start getting ready for that mission trip... *sigh* I need to get myself committed to God again. I need to finish my devotionals... the trip's in just two weeks. O: And I get to see Rose-chan again. ^^ <3333
New characters; The Xat"roommates"
Xat- a place where people can make their own chatrooms about various things; or to just talk, or whatever. There are clans, fansite thingies, snapvine capablities, you know, widgets and all, are compatible. And, legally, it's supposed to be a 14 and up place. However... I have spotted some nine year olds on the room I often enter. O.O Which, is VERY unpurified, unrefined, unedited, uncut... if you know what I mean. This is where the teenagers who just wanna let it all out, be perverted with someone, or just talk, hang out. (Fortunately, a 'bad word filter' has been made, if one would so choose... even though it still doesn't get rid of all the really BAD swears and other language...)
Amy- The Owner of DarkWolves2776 and four other xatrooms. O.O (P.S. No copyright infrigement is meant here. DarkWolves may or may not be a real Xatroom, and if it is, I was not intending for this to be that way. I am changing names of people and 'places' for the sake of the privacy of such persons.)
Tasha- Previously mentioned. Friends with many of the typical members on DW2776. She has her own Xatrooms, and such, and is often online at DW2776 or her own xat.
Melton- A very dedicated Kataanger (Kataang- Katara/Aang ship in the Avatar Fandom), who takes 'shipping wars' to the literal sense, often launching 'attacks' on the Zutarians, of which Kim and Tasha are. He has somehow gotten the nicknames 'Mentos' and 'Milky'. (Kim made the milk one... for no particular reason.)
Dan- Nicknames are 'shiny, softy' and probably various other things. He has a rather perverted sense of humor, can be rather harsh at times, and is oftentimes rather depressed/pessimistic. Which, in his case, are either the same, or one leads to the next. Is actually pretty intelligent, brain-wise. He believes it's weak to ask for help, or to receive it... and already thinks he's weak, maybe just for being emotional. Somewhat angry at the world, for all the bad things that have come into his current life. I believe that he takes out a lot of his anger on people, however, the insults he gives toward them, are completely undeserved by the people.
I've recently been staying up till times past 1:00 am lately. T.T I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday, and got up today at 8:20-something-ish. O.O
I've gotta start getting ready for that mission trip... *sigh* I need to get myself committed to God again. I need to finish my devotionals... the trip's in just two weeks. O: And I get to see Rose-chan again. ^^ <3333
Anyway, I really need to get focused here... without it, I'm gonna be a total mess at the trip. I really need to clean everything up. Staying in a Xat room (Xat= a chatroom-y place) until 1 or 3 AM really teaches a lot of stuff.
I need to focus on my mission trip, however. TWO WEEKS. O.O
Very important... *sigh* Anyway, thanks for reading my blog, my dear readers. I love ya'll. ^^
God loves you. :)
Saturday, June 14, 2008
A Reflection on A Funeral and Someone's Loss
I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack
I first heard this, or at least remember it the most recognizably, at a funeral. For someone whose son I hardly knew, and I probably had only seen him a couple of times in person... and never even spoke to him. I felt like I'd known him, just by what the pastor, or whoever spoke the longest up front said... I saw his daughter, my brother's age, walk up there, and say something. I was sitting on a higher level, but I saw the moisture in her eyes... his son, I don't exactly remember, but I'm not sure whether he came up there directly or not... I don't think he did, and if he did, I don't remember.
The song, "I Hope You Dance", was sung by someone I also didn't know... it didn't at all feel awkward to me, to be at a funeral that I felt I didn't know much. I was trying to pay respects, and to show my sympathies... at least without saying much. It made me silent. This whole thing. The first time I went to a funeral and comprehended it. It was last year, in sixth grade. We were allowed to walk to the church, along with our teacher, if we felt driven to go, for it was during the schoolday.
I couldn't believe it. It was horrible. Terrifyingly depressing. I just... I couldn't get myself to speak. I'd lost my ability to severely cry after a while, so I'd only almost cried... but almost crying is crying enough... if there are tears in your eyes for emotional purpose, it counts. I felt myself feeling empathy for this family. I felt a desperate need to reach out to his son, or anyone of them, in some way. But I wasn't someone close to them.
I had an almost morbid drive to write a poem about this. Any of it. I came up with one in my head, practically murmuring the words under my breath, when we got back to school. I didn't understand how the world could keep going when this family had lost someone so close, so important, so significant...
And I wrote the poem, about two weeks after. It wasn't like I imagined. But I'd written it.
A Family's Loss
A loving man
A life so great
Until it started
To fall, and break
A family's loss
A crying child
A grieving wife
A saddened son
His taken life
They were so close
But then they decided
To make a choice
To be apart
The children not
Understanding
Wondering why
They'd choose such a thing
A condition worse
Than cruel disease
Something that prevents
Enjoyment of life
A sadness deep
Yet almost hidden
Except by those so close
Who knew
Something he did
To try and stop it
But was unsuccessful
Pain worsening
So cold
Feeling so saddened
Every day, hurting
Nothing left
To do, but leave
His family grieving
Children's peers wondering
So many questions, answers unkown
And as the children are now crying
They will never forget
That loving man.
I didn't title it until I put it online, last November. It felt wrong... though I changed the dedication, so that it would be universal.
"These poems are a couple of older ones that I wrote when two students' and their families at my school experienced great loss. Dedicated to those who have had to go through things that the people from my school went through. I pray for you all every night, and hope for healing for all who have lost someone this important."
I think because I tried to make it universal, people would automatically come up with a natural cause for what had ocurred... and the only reason why this occasion was so terrible to me, was because this man had gone from something that couldn't be forgiven. And he'd left his family... like the poem said. He wasn't just taken... I don't know what to make of it. I know why, I can figure it out. Or not... but to watch someone go through that... and then to just hear it... that someone like that was gone, because of this. I don't ever know how his son managed. He seemed fine when he came back to school... I was extremely unstable in sixth grade, like, in the sense that I was pretty depressed and... dark..., so, I was amazed that he seemed fine. I think I almost wanted him to seem worse, looking over my diary, I think I wanted it for theatrical purpose, for writing something. And so I called myself psychotic and a whole bunch of other things I'd rather not talk about... but this isn't about me. I talked to the guidance counselor's sub (The other guidance counselor was out for a while), during a time, and referenced how surprising it was to see him so 'okay', during school, after what had just happened. And she explained that he probably has some times when he breaks down and maybe just cries when he thinks about it... I realized how wrong I'd been. I wasn't being empathetic, or compassionate, or even sympathetic then. I realized that he was probably mourning still, hurting terribly. And later on, now that I think about it, a lot of people think it's so wrong for a guy to cry in public... I realized, with loss, people will cover things up to make it seem they are strong, (while it's not weak to cry, or mourn, or feel hurt and show it), or for the sake of others, or they'll just go out and show the world how they feel, or they don't show it in public, or they close up completely... I've never experienced something so painful, so I don't know how it really feels, at least with that as a purpose.
I prayed for them every night for at least the next three months. Just silently, but I did. Though I was very selfish in the beginning, I wanted to do whatever I could to be there for them. I knew God was there for them. Even though they'd experienced a tragedy, he was there. I prayed for their faith, for their healing, for mercy and grace, and so much for healing... and I pray that they are recovering, though I know for sure, this is not something they will forget.
I don't know why I'm reliving this right now... This song. I continue listening to it right now. It felt like torture for a while. Even though it's a beautiful song, I always remember this when I hear it... Tommorrow, these guys aren't going to have their dad there... and I don't what I'd do without my dad. So I thank God for my family, for my father, especially, and for everything he's given me. For this beautiful life. Lord, don't ever let me do this... I pray for the future for all of us. I pray for the family I just wrote about. May they heal, Lord, and continue loving, and never forget what it's like. May they see Your love everyday.
Bless them, Lord, heal all who have suffered loss. Thank you for all the blessings you have granted my family, and all Lord. May we have hearts that please you.
Amen.
I first heard this, or at least remember it the most recognizably, at a funeral. For someone whose son I hardly knew, and I probably had only seen him a couple of times in person... and never even spoke to him. I felt like I'd known him, just by what the pastor, or whoever spoke the longest up front said... I saw his daughter, my brother's age, walk up there, and say something. I was sitting on a higher level, but I saw the moisture in her eyes... his son, I don't exactly remember, but I'm not sure whether he came up there directly or not... I don't think he did, and if he did, I don't remember.
The song, "I Hope You Dance", was sung by someone I also didn't know... it didn't at all feel awkward to me, to be at a funeral that I felt I didn't know much. I was trying to pay respects, and to show my sympathies... at least without saying much. It made me silent. This whole thing. The first time I went to a funeral and comprehended it. It was last year, in sixth grade. We were allowed to walk to the church, along with our teacher, if we felt driven to go, for it was during the schoolday.
I couldn't believe it. It was horrible. Terrifyingly depressing. I just... I couldn't get myself to speak. I'd lost my ability to severely cry after a while, so I'd only almost cried... but almost crying is crying enough... if there are tears in your eyes for emotional purpose, it counts. I felt myself feeling empathy for this family. I felt a desperate need to reach out to his son, or anyone of them, in some way. But I wasn't someone close to them.
I had an almost morbid drive to write a poem about this. Any of it. I came up with one in my head, practically murmuring the words under my breath, when we got back to school. I didn't understand how the world could keep going when this family had lost someone so close, so important, so significant...
And I wrote the poem, about two weeks after. It wasn't like I imagined. But I'd written it.
A Family's Loss
A loving man
A life so great
Until it started
To fall, and break
A family's loss
A crying child
A grieving wife
A saddened son
His taken life
They were so close
But then they decided
To make a choice
To be apart
The children not
Understanding
Wondering why
They'd choose such a thing
A condition worse
Than cruel disease
Something that prevents
Enjoyment of life
A sadness deep
Yet almost hidden
Except by those so close
Who knew
Something he did
To try and stop it
But was unsuccessful
Pain worsening
So cold
Feeling so saddened
Every day, hurting
Nothing left
To do, but leave
His family grieving
Children's peers wondering
So many questions, answers unkown
And as the children are now crying
They will never forget
That loving man.
I didn't title it until I put it online, last November. It felt wrong... though I changed the dedication, so that it would be universal.
"These poems are a couple of older ones that I wrote when two students' and their families at my school experienced great loss. Dedicated to those who have had to go through things that the people from my school went through. I pray for you all every night, and hope for healing for all who have lost someone this important."
I think because I tried to make it universal, people would automatically come up with a natural cause for what had ocurred... and the only reason why this occasion was so terrible to me, was because this man had gone from something that couldn't be forgiven. And he'd left his family... like the poem said. He wasn't just taken... I don't know what to make of it. I know why, I can figure it out. Or not... but to watch someone go through that... and then to just hear it... that someone like that was gone, because of this. I don't ever know how his son managed. He seemed fine when he came back to school... I was extremely unstable in sixth grade, like, in the sense that I was pretty depressed and... dark..., so, I was amazed that he seemed fine. I think I almost wanted him to seem worse, looking over my diary, I think I wanted it for theatrical purpose, for writing something. And so I called myself psychotic and a whole bunch of other things I'd rather not talk about... but this isn't about me. I talked to the guidance counselor's sub (The other guidance counselor was out for a while), during a time, and referenced how surprising it was to see him so 'okay', during school, after what had just happened. And she explained that he probably has some times when he breaks down and maybe just cries when he thinks about it... I realized how wrong I'd been. I wasn't being empathetic, or compassionate, or even sympathetic then. I realized that he was probably mourning still, hurting terribly. And later on, now that I think about it, a lot of people think it's so wrong for a guy to cry in public... I realized, with loss, people will cover things up to make it seem they are strong, (while it's not weak to cry, or mourn, or feel hurt and show it), or for the sake of others, or they'll just go out and show the world how they feel, or they don't show it in public, or they close up completely... I've never experienced something so painful, so I don't know how it really feels, at least with that as a purpose.
I prayed for them every night for at least the next three months. Just silently, but I did. Though I was very selfish in the beginning, I wanted to do whatever I could to be there for them. I knew God was there for them. Even though they'd experienced a tragedy, he was there. I prayed for their faith, for their healing, for mercy and grace, and so much for healing... and I pray that they are recovering, though I know for sure, this is not something they will forget.
I don't know why I'm reliving this right now... This song. I continue listening to it right now. It felt like torture for a while. Even though it's a beautiful song, I always remember this when I hear it... Tommorrow, these guys aren't going to have their dad there... and I don't what I'd do without my dad. So I thank God for my family, for my father, especially, and for everything he's given me. For this beautiful life. Lord, don't ever let me do this... I pray for the future for all of us. I pray for the family I just wrote about. May they heal, Lord, and continue loving, and never forget what it's like. May they see Your love everyday.
Bless them, Lord, heal all who have suffered loss. Thank you for all the blessings you have granted my family, and all Lord. May we have hearts that please you.
Amen.
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