Randomness. Rant. Life. Thoughts. Today. Yeah.

My creativity died in that title...

Anyway, I'd like to let ya'll know, I'ma be pretty much not on very often starting tommorrow, due to being in DC for my cousin's wedding on Tuesday, and after that, on September 2nd, when our plane gets back, I'll be heading to school. o.e Which kinda sucks.

But I'm sure the wedding will be awesomely... ^^

I am really looking forward to this now. I'm gonna see relatives I haven't seen for years, and all that good stuff... and...

*sighs*

Okay, secretly, I really wanna find someone to dance with at the reception. That's one of my eveel boy crazy goals.

xP

Hopefully not related to me. O.O Most likely not... we don't have a lot of guys in the family that aren't about 18 years older than me or anything more than my brother's age. o.e

Anyway... *sigh*

Today I thought about Rose. And Mark. And Jared. I really miss 'em all...

Mark's probably spazzed out because he couldn't make it to the BD party. It wasn't his fault he couldn't make it... *sigh*

I put some more songs on my playlist for Rose... heh. You know, stuff like the stuff we used to sing back in summer of '06, after I discovered MUSIC!, when I talked to her daily for hours upon hours on the phone... good times. *sigh*

Teen Titans fanvids. D': I miss her... *sigh* :'( *cries*

I saw Jared while running errands today. o.e He was with his friend, who has the same name as 'Kim's' brother, David. (Had a crush on him in fifth grade... LOOOONNNGGG story, not to be told right now) Meh. I waved awkwardly, like I was confused/PO'd or something, and then went into the post office and did my post-office duties and all dat.

I was so tempted to just walk over and talk to them...

So that's what I planned, after I went to get my books and return them to the library. And they were gone already, of course. David and Jared have been hangin' out a heck of a lot this summer. *sighs*

I still feel like I screwed things up between Jared and I. Maybe I'm wrong... but I just hope things go well this schoolyear. I still wanna be friends with him. And I'll feel quite hurt if he starts acting like a jerk to me this year.

Ugh. Maybe I SHOULD stay away from guys... but I just can't decide. I think it'd be healthier if I just had a crush on someone... then I'd just watch them, and think about them, and not about M-Word and every hawt guy I ever see... xP I've become too vain, I think. *sigh* I don't care about how a person looks if I date them. But I now know what the world thinks makes someone attractive...

But I guess I still don't care. I have my own preferences. Heh... *sigh*

I'm sighing a lot. o.e

xP I think I'm at the very beginning of falling in... like I'm walking toward the edge that makes you swept in the world, but being pulled back and forth from right and wrong, and I KNOW what's right, and wrong, yet I contemplate them. But I always stop myself before I get in.

Even though my humor has become increasingly crude. And I'm contemplating tolerance on certain issues that I know are wrong. I love God. And I need to focus. I can't go through life without God. That would kill. I wouldn't BE here if I didn't have faith in Him. I wouldn't be ALIVE if he wasn't there. Nor would anyone else...

xP

The most frustrating, depressing, GAH! D:< (ish a face) boards ever:

http://forums.avatarspirit.net/index.php?board=2.0


xPPPP (xP= also a face)

Granted, I learned a lot about certain events from those threads, but still. D:< GAH.

xP

Please don't shoot me for being immature about this right now... *sigh*
*changessubject*


I AM SO EXCITED FOR DC NOW!

I really wanna see my cousins and everyone. Though it'll be awkward to have more of those cheek-pinching aunts you really don't know who go all "Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" when they see me... o.e But everything will be good. ^^

:)

Well, school's comin' up... Good luck to all. God Bless. :) ^^

~Aly-chan, "Kim"

(Stand in the Rain~ Superchick is an amazing song) Sam, my friends, prayer, GOD LOVES EVERYONE

New Character

Sam (another one of the Sam-guys)- A guy from online. Kim met him on her Avadorkforumsiteness, while roleplaying, when she first started, in October 2006. He was fun-loving, happy, a Christian, and nice. But then, he took a long break, and came back, with girl problems, and various other issues... often coming to her, in moments where he is in desperate need for support, she is always doing her best to help him out, whenever something's wrong... and when he's online, those rare times.

----------------
I got home, I wanted to dance. At my friend's church, it's always awesome. It was just the message, and that incredible sky, again. When the clouds are breaking, from stormclouds, to sunlight... beautiful. I don't know how anyone can deny God, with that beautiful sky...

And I came home, still wanting to dance and write about joy and contentment in Him.

And I watched the mid-to-end parts of Shrek on TV with my Dad.

And then, I attempted to teach myself Coldplay's "The Scientist" better on the piano.

Then I got on the computer.

*sigh* Chatrooms= bad for your health. And rather depressing.

And then, Sam got on, again... I hadn't spoken to him in ages, as usual, so I messaged him. I had this uneasy feeling, like I knew something had recently gone wrong. And, I was actually correct.

I don't know how that whole 'hope for the best, expect the worst'-thing could ever fit in with optimism, though, I was really doing that right then.

I need to let go of everything, and let God take over. HE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY. If I let him speak through me, if I let HIS message go through me, I know things will work out.

Most helpful music when trying to help someone-

SUPERCHICK
Particularly- Stand In The Rain, Beauty From Pain, Courage, Hero, We Live (last three/two songs are only on occasion)

Mainly Stand in the Rain. Wonderful song...


I think I'm getting somewhere. I really need to go to the bathroom or something, but I was really nervous, like I usually am when talking to him, but, I think it's easing up a bit. I am so glad that I am talking to him right now. I've missed him, and I've been worried, I have to admit... though, I haven't been thinking of him lately, for which I am guilty. I'm going to put him back into my prayers, immediately. He needs prayer. He needs God. So badly... I know a lot of people who need God. A lot, many need Him, much more than Sam. He's a good friend of mine, even online, and I don't like seeing him hurt... I don't like seeing anyone hurt, really, but people who are close to me, people whose words I can read, or hear, or even see them... it's terrible, really.

I am constantly praying for my friends, and my family.

I love them all... and God loves them. He loves every one of those he created. His mercy is endless, if one believes in him, and his promises. Please let God in, everyone, those who don't believe in him. He is the one who made me, made you, and made it possible for us to live with him. He is my source of life, my source of hope, of joy, of comfort and support when I am in dark times.

A Reflection on A Funeral and Someone's Loss

I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack



I first heard this, or at least remember it the most recognizably, at a funeral. For someone whose son I hardly knew, and I probably had only seen him a couple of times in person... and never even spoke to him. I felt like I'd known him, just by what the pastor, or whoever spoke the longest up front said... I saw his daughter, my brother's age, walk up there, and say something. I was sitting on a higher level, but I saw the moisture in her eyes... his son, I don't exactly remember, but I'm not sure whether he came up there directly or not... I don't think he did, and if he did, I don't remember.



The song, "I Hope You Dance", was sung by someone I also didn't know... it didn't at all feel awkward to me, to be at a funeral that I felt I didn't know much. I was trying to pay respects, and to show my sympathies... at least without saying much. It made me silent. This whole thing. The first time I went to a funeral and comprehended it. It was last year, in sixth grade. We were allowed to walk to the church, along with our teacher, if we felt driven to go, for it was during the schoolday.



I couldn't believe it. It was horrible. Terrifyingly depressing. I just... I couldn't get myself to speak. I'd lost my ability to severely cry after a while, so I'd only almost cried... but almost crying is crying enough... if there are tears in your eyes for emotional purpose, it counts. I felt myself feeling empathy for this family. I felt a desperate need to reach out to his son, or anyone of them, in some way. But I wasn't someone close to them.



I had an almost morbid drive to write a poem about this. Any of it. I came up with one in my head, practically murmuring the words under my breath, when we got back to school. I didn't understand how the world could keep going when this family had lost someone so close, so important, so significant...



And I wrote the poem, about two weeks after. It wasn't like I imagined. But I'd written it.



A Family's Loss



A loving man

A life so great

Until it started

To fall, and break

A family's loss

A crying child

A grieving wife

A saddened son

His taken life



They were so close

But then they decided

To make a choice

To be apart

The children not

Understanding

Wondering why

They'd choose such a thing



A condition worse

Than cruel disease

Something that prevents

Enjoyment of life

A sadness deep

Yet almost hidden

Except by those so close

Who knew



Something he did

To try and stop it

But was unsuccessful

Pain worsening

So cold

Feeling so saddened

Every day, hurting

Nothing left

To do, but leave



His family grieving

Children's peers wondering

So many questions, answers unkown

And as the children are now crying

They will never forget

That loving man.



I didn't title it until I put it online, last November. It felt wrong... though I changed the dedication, so that it would be universal.



"These poems are a couple of older ones that I wrote when two students' and their families at my school experienced great loss. Dedicated to those who have had to go through things that the people from my school went through. I pray for you all every night, and hope for healing for all who have lost someone this important."



I think because I tried to make it universal, people would automatically come up with a natural cause for what had ocurred... and the only reason why this occasion was so terrible to me, was because this man had gone from something that couldn't be forgiven. And he'd left his family... like the poem said. He wasn't just taken... I don't know what to make of it. I know why, I can figure it out. Or not... but to watch someone go through that... and then to just hear it... that someone like that was gone, because of this. I don't ever know how his son managed. He seemed fine when he came back to school... I was extremely unstable in sixth grade, like, in the sense that I was pretty depressed and... dark..., so, I was amazed that he seemed fine. I think I almost wanted him to seem worse, looking over my diary, I think I wanted it for theatrical purpose, for writing something. And so I called myself psychotic and a whole bunch of other things I'd rather not talk about... but this isn't about me. I talked to the guidance counselor's sub (The other guidance counselor was out for a while), during a time, and referenced how surprising it was to see him so 'okay', during school, after what had just happened. And she explained that he probably has some times when he breaks down and maybe just cries when he thinks about it... I realized how wrong I'd been. I wasn't being empathetic, or compassionate, or even sympathetic then. I realized that he was probably mourning still, hurting terribly. And later on, now that I think about it, a lot of people think it's so wrong for a guy to cry in public... I realized, with loss, people will cover things up to make it seem they are strong, (while it's not weak to cry, or mourn, or feel hurt and show it), or for the sake of others, or they'll just go out and show the world how they feel, or they don't show it in public, or they close up completely... I've never experienced something so painful, so I don't know how it really feels, at least with that as a purpose.



I prayed for them every night for at least the next three months. Just silently, but I did. Though I was very selfish in the beginning, I wanted to do whatever I could to be there for them. I knew God was there for them. Even though they'd experienced a tragedy, he was there. I prayed for their faith, for their healing, for mercy and grace, and so much for healing... and I pray that they are recovering, though I know for sure, this is not something they will forget.



I don't know why I'm reliving this right now... This song. I continue listening to it right now. It felt like torture for a while. Even though it's a beautiful song, I always remember this when I hear it... Tommorrow, these guys aren't going to have their dad there... and I don't what I'd do without my dad. So I thank God for my family, for my father, especially, and for everything he's given me. For this beautiful life. Lord, don't ever let me do this... I pray for the future for all of us. I pray for the family I just wrote about. May they heal, Lord, and continue loving, and never forget what it's like. May they see Your love everyday.



Bless them, Lord, heal all who have suffered loss. Thank you for all the blessings you have granted my family, and all Lord. May we have hearts that please you.

Amen.

Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella"

:'( <3 ^link to the song in the YT thing. credits to the person who made the vid. I don't own the song.

Such a sweet, tearjerking, sentimental song. About a father and his little 'Cinderella'. It is so sweet...

For a 13-year-old, I consider myself to be pretty sentimental, and really, really sappy. I'm not hard either. I'm not assertive, most of the time, and I'm mature in certain instances. Right now, this is just a really sentimental moment. I love my daddy... I don't know how people deal with losing someone like that, someone so close to them. Lately the house seems like it's been filled with some sort of... dryness. And I've always been scared of losing people close to me... and I've been scared about that a lot... I've never had anything come close, and I pray to God every night... always about my family, and my friends... but my family is so important to me. I wouldn't be here without God, of course, but I wouldn't be here without my parents. And my brother, oh my goodness, even if he's so strange (like me) and annoying sometimes (like me), I love him. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without them all. It's so hard for them when they have a lazy 13-year-old who spends her life on the internet most of the time...

I love my family.... I've gotta let them have some Cinderella moments more often.