Ventrantlikeitemthingsortof

I am eating. Too much. Today. *headdesk* And it's concious. And I'm not hungry. o.eeee

I'm gonna get all like, obese. o.eeee *sigh* Oh well.

Another case of Sixth Grade Emo.

It's made of suck.

And, I'm gonna rant...

WARNING: I'm not sure what's gonna be in here, but there's a possibility of pathetical self-pity, and you probably don't wanna hear me whine. Yah. If not, go ahead and keep reading... oh well, whatever. *headdesk*

Okay, maybe I'll rant... I think I just got it out (if that print actually turns out bold.) Either way, you guys have no idea what I'm talking about, but neither do I, sooo...

And I asked my mom to buy me coffee from McDonald's. I suck. *headdesk* *emo*

I've been praying, yet again, but I haven't been letting go of what I've let off as burdens to him. It's pretty hard sometimes. A few years back, I had serious guilt issues, and 100% no self-esteem. o.e Remind me not to reread my diary.

Remember that whole 'self-analysis' thing? I might be doing that to me now... I guess it's kinda dumb. I dunno. I realize now, that God made me, a unique creation, an individual, beautiful, loved forever, able to be forgiven for my sins.

I'm really glad about that. It's quite a leap from about two years ago. Either way, I've been having issues lately. I don't know why. It could be PMS, but I doubt it. I haven't had this kind of reaction to much since sixth grade...

I've become quite bitter lately, I guess. Just... really... bitter. :-/ No one wants to talk to a bitter person. Just really bitter toward the world. Which is pretty much what we're NOT supposed to do, as written in the Bible. You know, God forgives us. So we should be forgiving. But none of my FRIENDS in particular, have really wronged me personally lately... I don't know. I don't feel very forgiving of society's negative influence or the distorted world view ('society-based schizophrenia'). There's just so much sin in our world...

Well, I guess I'm more depressed about it, rather than bitter. But it comes out that way. Maybe. I dunno.

Found some abortion statitistics Thursday night. Not happy. It was very depressing. I DID, however, find a pretty inspiring person...

http://www.dianedew.com/aborindx.htm

Diane Dew, who wrote a bunch of those articles, and all that... she sound pretty cool to me.

Today, I finished "For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think" by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. It was really, really interesting. I learned about guys from it...

http://www.foryoungwomenonly.com/BooksStudies/ForYoungWomenOnly/tabid/140/Default.aspx
^teh site.

Anyway, I've also found myself thinking about my former romantic relationships with guys, as well as my crush... and that book also made me rethink the stuff I've said to guys. :-/

Sucks.

I still like the guy I like, but it's sad, because my friend at school, I can tell, most likely still likes him, but probably, like me, just thinks that he's absolutely unattainable. Too many girls like him, that's all I know. I almost would feel wrong, if he EVER would consider go out with me, if he liked me, above all the others... but, kinda honored-ish, I guess then. I don't know... What the book said, "Ego= still has lots of insecurities". But it also said on their survey, that guys feel the most secure in their abilities/overly secure at times, when they're younger... so, I dunno. Maybe he still thinks at the top of the world. xP Maybe I picked a bad choice for a crush... oh well.

My melancholy mood may also be due to the crush. I dunno. I haven't been romantic with anyone for what seems like a while... But, I don't wanna get superuberboycrazy. That would suck worse. I don't wanna be desperate/dependant/obsessive (meh, obsessive's always been a problem with... well, pretty much everything...)

I dunno. Today Sam #1 was wearing a rather attractive outfit. (like, he had on this black sweatshirt, and this really cool grey t-shirt with this cool-looking letters-stuffs on it, and really hot looking black sweatpants... yah... ) I'm screwed, because anything that involves black, on a guy, makes them look hotter to me. o.e And most of the guys I find attractive have bangs... actually, all of them do... I've become rather vain, which is, really, really dumb. But, when it truly comes to dating, I don't really care how they look. S'long as they like me, I like them, they know my boundaries, and they treat me right, I treat them right, he cares, I care, yada yada yada... You know. *headdesk*

None of which, is going to happen with Sam #1, because... I dunno. He seems too cocky to me right now. But I know, I KNOW, for a fact, that he isn't entirely secure (and it's not just because of the book!). We were actually friends, really, friends, last year. He talked to me. And we didn't have to retort to each other every few seconds, even if it is jokingly/not. I know he noticed me staring at him about 5 times today... *headdesk*

You see, if we 'insulted' each other, it would be jokingly... now, sometimes it's not... maybe. I dunno. He said he deleted my message on Facebook without even reading it. *headdesk* Oh well, screw that. He talks to me sometimes, if he's not around everyone else...

And I understand. I'm not always the best around my crushes. I know I get waaaay too in their face sometimes (fifth grade=1st crush= DISASTER; yet another story to be told), and I'm not the 'normal-est' person ever. I dunno.

I just wish he would talk to me.

I've been losing touch with guys a lot lately...

Well, at least any guy that was/is a friend. Before. You know, it's really sad. Jared and I, when I try to talk to him on gmail, I ask the same things, like I used to with Mark right after we'd broken up, and I was trying to be friends with him. So, I asked him how he was, and he said fine, school's fine, i'm fine, etc... Yeah.

Then he started ranting about how my younger brother was an a*hole, because of something that happened at Homecoming. I tried to confront my bro about this now, because I remembered one of J's friends talking to me about how my brother was swearing at Jared during homecoming... so, I made him apologize, and I typed it. And Jared was still PO'd. Or worse. I guess I said some... meh, but sort of maybe kinda justified stuff about he was being just as immature, acting like a ten-year-old, swearing just as much... yeah. :-/ xP Though, I will admit, the comment about David learning the swearing from him was wrong...-ish... okay, it was. It was mean.

And you know what?

It felt familiar, I was used to it, I almost welcomed it, us fighting over g-chat like that. It was comfortable. Because it had happened before. And a lot of fighting went on over my brother, even when we had been dating... I dunno, for some reason, David and Jared hate each other. o.e

Either way, it was wrong.

I miss being able to talk to guys. But I now realize, more than ever, how much I've screwed up with them, and made it impossible for them to ever talk to me earnestly and honestly again... well, some guys, I guess...

And hear I go again, screwing up. *isongchatwithJared*

The odd thing is, the only non-awkward friendship/relationship/acquaintenceship (sp? super sp.) that isn't bad at the moment that was an ex, is the one with Mark and I. We're actually doing pretty good. We're replying emails, as soon as we notice them, and I guess that's good...

*headdesk*

There must be something else going on with Jared.

I'm gonna stop before I say too much.

Love you guys. :)

God Bless.

~Aly/Kim/Alyce...