Ventrantlikeitemthingsortof

I am eating. Too much. Today. *headdesk* And it's concious. And I'm not hungry. o.eeee

I'm gonna get all like, obese. o.eeee *sigh* Oh well.

Another case of Sixth Grade Emo.

It's made of suck.

And, I'm gonna rant...

WARNING: I'm not sure what's gonna be in here, but there's a possibility of pathetical self-pity, and you probably don't wanna hear me whine. Yah. If not, go ahead and keep reading... oh well, whatever. *headdesk*

Okay, maybe I'll rant... I think I just got it out (if that print actually turns out bold.) Either way, you guys have no idea what I'm talking about, but neither do I, sooo...

And I asked my mom to buy me coffee from McDonald's. I suck. *headdesk* *emo*

I've been praying, yet again, but I haven't been letting go of what I've let off as burdens to him. It's pretty hard sometimes. A few years back, I had serious guilt issues, and 100% no self-esteem. o.e Remind me not to reread my diary.

Remember that whole 'self-analysis' thing? I might be doing that to me now... I guess it's kinda dumb. I dunno. I realize now, that God made me, a unique creation, an individual, beautiful, loved forever, able to be forgiven for my sins.

I'm really glad about that. It's quite a leap from about two years ago. Either way, I've been having issues lately. I don't know why. It could be PMS, but I doubt it. I haven't had this kind of reaction to much since sixth grade...

I've become quite bitter lately, I guess. Just... really... bitter. :-/ No one wants to talk to a bitter person. Just really bitter toward the world. Which is pretty much what we're NOT supposed to do, as written in the Bible. You know, God forgives us. So we should be forgiving. But none of my FRIENDS in particular, have really wronged me personally lately... I don't know. I don't feel very forgiving of society's negative influence or the distorted world view ('society-based schizophrenia'). There's just so much sin in our world...

Well, I guess I'm more depressed about it, rather than bitter. But it comes out that way. Maybe. I dunno.

Found some abortion statitistics Thursday night. Not happy. It was very depressing. I DID, however, find a pretty inspiring person...

http://www.dianedew.com/aborindx.htm

Diane Dew, who wrote a bunch of those articles, and all that... she sound pretty cool to me.

Today, I finished "For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think" by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. It was really, really interesting. I learned about guys from it...

http://www.foryoungwomenonly.com/BooksStudies/ForYoungWomenOnly/tabid/140/Default.aspx
^teh site.

Anyway, I've also found myself thinking about my former romantic relationships with guys, as well as my crush... and that book also made me rethink the stuff I've said to guys. :-/

Sucks.

I still like the guy I like, but it's sad, because my friend at school, I can tell, most likely still likes him, but probably, like me, just thinks that he's absolutely unattainable. Too many girls like him, that's all I know. I almost would feel wrong, if he EVER would consider go out with me, if he liked me, above all the others... but, kinda honored-ish, I guess then. I don't know... What the book said, "Ego= still has lots of insecurities". But it also said on their survey, that guys feel the most secure in their abilities/overly secure at times, when they're younger... so, I dunno. Maybe he still thinks at the top of the world. xP Maybe I picked a bad choice for a crush... oh well.

My melancholy mood may also be due to the crush. I dunno. I haven't been romantic with anyone for what seems like a while... But, I don't wanna get superuberboycrazy. That would suck worse. I don't wanna be desperate/dependant/obsessive (meh, obsessive's always been a problem with... well, pretty much everything...)

I dunno. Today Sam #1 was wearing a rather attractive outfit. (like, he had on this black sweatshirt, and this really cool grey t-shirt with this cool-looking letters-stuffs on it, and really hot looking black sweatpants... yah... ) I'm screwed, because anything that involves black, on a guy, makes them look hotter to me. o.e And most of the guys I find attractive have bangs... actually, all of them do... I've become rather vain, which is, really, really dumb. But, when it truly comes to dating, I don't really care how they look. S'long as they like me, I like them, they know my boundaries, and they treat me right, I treat them right, he cares, I care, yada yada yada... You know. *headdesk*

None of which, is going to happen with Sam #1, because... I dunno. He seems too cocky to me right now. But I know, I KNOW, for a fact, that he isn't entirely secure (and it's not just because of the book!). We were actually friends, really, friends, last year. He talked to me. And we didn't have to retort to each other every few seconds, even if it is jokingly/not. I know he noticed me staring at him about 5 times today... *headdesk*

You see, if we 'insulted' each other, it would be jokingly... now, sometimes it's not... maybe. I dunno. He said he deleted my message on Facebook without even reading it. *headdesk* Oh well, screw that. He talks to me sometimes, if he's not around everyone else...

And I understand. I'm not always the best around my crushes. I know I get waaaay too in their face sometimes (fifth grade=1st crush= DISASTER; yet another story to be told), and I'm not the 'normal-est' person ever. I dunno.

I just wish he would talk to me.

I've been losing touch with guys a lot lately...

Well, at least any guy that was/is a friend. Before. You know, it's really sad. Jared and I, when I try to talk to him on gmail, I ask the same things, like I used to with Mark right after we'd broken up, and I was trying to be friends with him. So, I asked him how he was, and he said fine, school's fine, i'm fine, etc... Yeah.

Then he started ranting about how my younger brother was an a*hole, because of something that happened at Homecoming. I tried to confront my bro about this now, because I remembered one of J's friends talking to me about how my brother was swearing at Jared during homecoming... so, I made him apologize, and I typed it. And Jared was still PO'd. Or worse. I guess I said some... meh, but sort of maybe kinda justified stuff about he was being just as immature, acting like a ten-year-old, swearing just as much... yeah. :-/ xP Though, I will admit, the comment about David learning the swearing from him was wrong...-ish... okay, it was. It was mean.

And you know what?

It felt familiar, I was used to it, I almost welcomed it, us fighting over g-chat like that. It was comfortable. Because it had happened before. And a lot of fighting went on over my brother, even when we had been dating... I dunno, for some reason, David and Jared hate each other. o.e

Either way, it was wrong.

I miss being able to talk to guys. But I now realize, more than ever, how much I've screwed up with them, and made it impossible for them to ever talk to me earnestly and honestly again... well, some guys, I guess...

And hear I go again, screwing up. *isongchatwithJared*

The odd thing is, the only non-awkward friendship/relationship/acquaintenceship (sp? super sp.) that isn't bad at the moment that was an ex, is the one with Mark and I. We're actually doing pretty good. We're replying emails, as soon as we notice them, and I guess that's good...

*headdesk*

There must be something else going on with Jared.

I'm gonna stop before I say too much.

Love you guys. :)

God Bless.

~Aly/Kim/Alyce...

A series of ridiculously long poetry/let-out-emotional-stuffs-poems

Mood rings would go insane
Emotions, do they change?
Remembering bad times
Like sixth grade
An absorbent sponge of emotional OCD

Obssessive kid with wants for emo
Scarred by what seemed like rejection
Over an obssessive, stalker-like crush
A year before

Oh, self-pity has no benefits
Misery has no joy
You never wanna feel like that
It's pointless, a waste of time

So why spend a while thinking it over?
Mulling it over
On your mind?
Wondering how and why...
Why not drop the past and run?

When do the 'psychological anylasis' techniques run dry?
Why not face the future, keep on moving
Then make everything behind you seem like blood and dust?

Tears, tears, cried
7 seconds that the devil almost took my mind
I ran downstairs and picked up my Day-By-Day Children's Bible

The girl knew to read the Bible with a purpose
The verse she found out of a random opening
It was about loving others, serving others
And the treasures in Heavan she would receive

Oh gosh, she knew
She wouldn't waste her time with selfishness like that
But mulling it over, over a year
Keeping it silent
Away from the parents

Talked to the guidance counselor everyday after lunch
By choice of course, the only person she knew who would do that

Read the stories in the Chicken Soup books over and over
Teen and Girl's editions
Cutting and anorexia and bullimia they recovered from

Diary entries of self-deprecating words
Superheaddesk to her now

Why is she thinking of it all again?!
No, no, she won't let it return
Her friends need her help most
Her own problems shouldn't even resurface
Shouldn't even HAVE a surface

What is the purpose of this poem?
Of this blog?
Self-pity, is it again? Someone else's attention?
Why doubt herself like this?
ARGH, she doesn't want the attention...

The shrink shouldn't have problems
Now, she knows she should turn to the Lord
She needs to keep on praying, and not to listen to the lies

She needs to stop her doubting, and not give into those lies!
Society says otherwise, everywhere she turns!
Online debates tell her no and no and no, and the people
Why do they all not believe in Truth?

Love is supposed to go to everyone
"Love the person, not the sin."
And that is what she tries to do
Strives to do
"Speak the Truth, no matter what."
And that's what she strives to do

But the frustration is eating at her again
And the lies are so much easier
Sinful heart wants its ways to be satisfied
But she can't let it happen

She cries out again and again to the Lord
And He's there
The verse they tell her again and again
The one He speaks to her
"Be still and know that I am God."

Be still, be still, be still...
Brain works on overtime
Hearts are confused
Exchange worry for prayer
Give it up, and don't hold onto what you were supposed to let go
Lay your burdens on Him.

But why does she hold on again and again?!
Time to blast Flyleaf
"You are the Truth,
Outscreaming these lies
You are the Truth
Saving my life"

Put your burdens on Him... like the skit in Sunday school class...

No, no more of these thoughts
Let it all go to Him.
---
Ahem. Second poem thing now. (a series of smaller poems associated into one... big poem-thing...)
-----------
Painfully listening to them speak
About their lives
And then they won't speak
When you think they need it
Seperate patient from friend
They need a listening ear

She's probably busy
Does she need to talk?
I'm not entirely sure.

And then another
Struggling, so much, internally
Not knowing the Truth spiritually

All I can do is keep on praying.

If I'm supposed to speak the Truth,
100% of the time...
I should stop being so intimidated?

Is that the word?
Don't let her own thoughts matter
In telling her what is True.
Do not hesitate to say The Bible is all facts.

Do not hesitate.
Let the Holy Spirit speak to her, like they've all told you is right.
If she does not accept, let it go...
It's all their choice...
You can't change a person's mind.


Don't ever bring up that topic again
In that room.
You saw her flinch when you said the word, mentioned the 'sucky' debate
You and your other friend did online.

Don't ever say that word again.
Even though you didn't mention it directly
Even though it was about those you felt unjust bitterness toward
Due to their bashing of the Truth, of the Bible, of God Himself,
Though you spoke your words because they wouldn't face it in that debate
Don't mention abortion again.

Don't say the word around her.
Is that wrong, to think this way?
To not want to remind of her the pain?
Don't ever say that word again, not around her?
Change your opinions?
Should you?
No... a human life, is a life,
But...
Just don't say it again...


Soft-spoken, shy, desperate?
What does she want in her life?
Self-esteem issues...
But is she a little selfISH?

Who am I to think that way?
When I can be the same...
She quit going to her youth group...
I should've tried to talk to her more about that...
Rather than let myself brush the subject,
To listen to the rest of her crush-story...
Right as she needed to hang up.
-------------
Endy Poem-thing-maybe?
(references 'The Shrink' poem)

Yes, the shrink really sucks at her 'job'
A lot
Not only sometimes
Speak up, she needs to
But sometimes she talks too much...

Balance, she's tried to learn
And she's still got a ways to go

But she plans to keep on going
Keep on praying
Keep on loving
Because that's what she's here for.

--------------------------------------
*breathes*

That feels much better. I love you guys. :) God Bless. :)