Questions to Various Guys I Know/Wish I still Knew
How come we used to be able to talk to each other?
How come I've become so confused?
About you and the rest of your kind?
Maybe I've read a book about a guy's brain...
But I guess I've gotta figure part of you people out myself
I really want to know someone
How come I screw up so much when I'm with you?
And a few other people?
Dear first real boyfriend,
Were you really just stressed out, when
You told me you wanted to break up?
And what did you mean?
By wanting to keep kissing me?
What did that other girl hold against you?
Do you really not mind the many questions I ask you?
I'm sorry
If some of my intentions
Were not genuine care at times
And for the things that I did
That you didn't know
It killed me
Just to hear you say
"Maybe you could go with that other guy you were talking about now..."
It killed me.
I want to hear your voice again
So find your dang phone.
I miss you
I wanna be friends.
Thank you for your emails.
I still think about you
At least on a 3-day-a-week basis.
Lately, it's been more...
I don't know why.
Dear guy I currently have a crush on,
I like you now
So do a billion other girls
If we went to a different school, maybe it wouldn't be the same.
But it doesn't matter.
Because we go to this one.
I've known you for so long, yet
You've gone after all these other girls.
Tell me, are you really as cocky as you put yourself out to be?
Who are you?
I apologize for some of these questions, if it insults you...
I know you're more than that, at least on the inside.
I wanna be able to talk to you again, just normal.
No emo comments, no dumb insults.
Just talking.
I'm sorry for acting like an idiot with you a lot
And most likely embarassing you in front of your friends.
I know it's not the greatest thing...
If I could, which I probably won't,
I'd tell you I liked you.
It probably wouldn't work out, especially now
But either way, I hope you find someone who you can stick with that makes you happy.
This goes for all the good guys I know.
And you're one of them, if you would only act more like it.
Don't forget about what God wants your life to be like.
Who you're trying to represent
Don't let peer pressure pressure you into being something you're not
Especially someone who isn't right.
Dear former best guy friend and ex,
Don't you hate those words, because I know I do.
I sound to young to have ex-boyfriends, ex-anythings
I miss you.
I miss us, and by that, I mean just friendship
Anything that isn't fighting
Anything that's nice or innocent
Or not so innocent, but still unable to be cruel
No bitterness
No anger
Nothing.
Just... talking.
Laughing
Joking
Passing notebooks in Target class
I have no classes with you so far
But I still miss you
I don't ask you if you hate me anymore
I realize that you probably don't.
It's just me who thinks that.
Do you feel unattracted to unconfident girls?
There are a heck of a lot of them...
Thanks for sort of trying to make me feel better that one time I talked to you about that...
Just remembered.
I miss it.
Miss it all.
Except for the fighting.
And when I ruined one of your relationships.
I hope you aren't doing to her again...
Just make sure
Whatever relationships you get into
Go well
Care, care, care,
Be kind.
Be understanding.
Don't be stupid.
And try to be Godly, if possible, my friend.
I wish I could really just... talk, to you, again.
It's been so long...
Since we could even hold a conversation.
I'm sorry for hurting you so many times...
You have valid reasons for not wanting to talk me then, I guess.
But I still miss you.
Talk to me again sometime, please...
---
done.
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Friday, October 10, 2008
Ventrantlikeitemthingsortof
I am eating. Too much. Today. *headdesk* And it's concious. And I'm not hungry. o.eeee
I'm gonna get all like, obese. o.eeee *sigh* Oh well.
Another case of Sixth Grade Emo.
It's made of suck.
And, I'm gonna rant...
WARNING: I'm not sure what's gonna be in here, but there's a possibility of pathetical self-pity, and you probably don't wanna hear me whine. Yah. If not, go ahead and keep reading... oh well, whatever. *headdesk*
Okay, maybe I'll rant... I think I just got it out (if that print actually turns out bold.) Either way, you guys have no idea what I'm talking about, but neither do I, sooo...
And I asked my mom to buy me coffee from McDonald's. I suck. *headdesk* *emo*
I've been praying, yet again, but I haven't been letting go of what I've let off as burdens to him. It's pretty hard sometimes. A few years back, I had serious guilt issues, and 100% no self-esteem. o.e Remind me not to reread my diary.
Remember that whole 'self-analysis' thing? I might be doing that to me now... I guess it's kinda dumb. I dunno. I realize now, that God made me, a unique creation, an individual, beautiful, loved forever, able to be forgiven for my sins.
I'm really glad about that. It's quite a leap from about two years ago. Either way, I've been having issues lately. I don't know why. It could be PMS, but I doubt it. I haven't had this kind of reaction to much since sixth grade...
I've become quite bitter lately, I guess. Just... really... bitter. :-/ No one wants to talk to a bitter person. Just really bitter toward the world. Which is pretty much what we're NOT supposed to do, as written in the Bible. You know, God forgives us. So we should be forgiving. But none of my FRIENDS in particular, have really wronged me personally lately... I don't know. I don't feel very forgiving of society's negative influence or the distorted world view ('society-based schizophrenia'). There's just so much sin in our world...
Well, I guess I'm more depressed about it, rather than bitter. But it comes out that way. Maybe. I dunno.
Found some abortion statitistics Thursday night. Not happy. It was very depressing. I DID, however, find a pretty inspiring person...
http://www.dianedew.com/aborindx.htm
Diane Dew, who wrote a bunch of those articles, and all that... she sound pretty cool to me.
Today, I finished "For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think" by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. It was really, really interesting. I learned about guys from it...
http://www.foryoungwomenonly.com/BooksStudies/ForYoungWomenOnly/tabid/140/Default.aspx
^teh site.
Anyway, I've also found myself thinking about my former romantic relationships with guys, as well as my crush... and that book also made me rethink the stuff I've said to guys. :-/
Sucks.
I still like the guy I like, but it's sad, because my friend at school, I can tell, most likely still likes him, but probably, like me, just thinks that he's absolutely unattainable. Too many girls like him, that's all I know. I almost would feel wrong, if he EVER would consider go out with me, if he liked me, above all the others... but, kinda honored-ish, I guess then. I don't know... What the book said, "Ego= still has lots of insecurities". But it also said on their survey, that guys feel the most secure in their abilities/overly secure at times, when they're younger... so, I dunno. Maybe he still thinks at the top of the world. xP Maybe I picked a bad choice for a crush... oh well.
My melancholy mood may also be due to the crush. I dunno. I haven't been romantic with anyone for what seems like a while... But, I don't wanna get superuberboycrazy. That would suck worse. I don't wanna be desperate/dependant/obsessive (meh, obsessive's always been a problem with... well, pretty much everything...)
I dunno. Today Sam #1 was wearing a rather attractive outfit. (like, he had on this black sweatshirt, and this really cool grey t-shirt with this cool-looking letters-stuffs on it, and really hot looking black sweatpants... yah... ) I'm screwed, because anything that involves black, on a guy, makes them look hotter to me. o.e And most of the guys I find attractive have bangs... actually, all of them do... I've become rather vain, which is, really, really dumb. But, when it truly comes to dating, I don't really care how they look. S'long as they like me, I like them, they know my boundaries, and they treat me right, I treat them right, he cares, I care, yada yada yada... You know. *headdesk*
None of which, is going to happen with Sam #1, because... I dunno. He seems too cocky to me right now. But I know, I KNOW, for a fact, that he isn't entirely secure (and it's not just because of the book!). We were actually friends, really, friends, last year. He talked to me. And we didn't have to retort to each other every few seconds, even if it is jokingly/not. I know he noticed me staring at him about 5 times today... *headdesk*
You see, if we 'insulted' each other, it would be jokingly... now, sometimes it's not... maybe. I dunno. He said he deleted my message on Facebook without even reading it. *headdesk* Oh well, screw that. He talks to me sometimes, if he's not around everyone else...
And I understand. I'm not always the best around my crushes. I know I get waaaay too in their face sometimes (fifth grade=1st crush= DISASTER; yet another story to be told), and I'm not the 'normal-est' person ever. I dunno.
I just wish he would talk to me.
I've been losing touch with guys a lot lately...
Well, at least any guy that was/is a friend. Before. You know, it's really sad. Jared and I, when I try to talk to him on gmail, I ask the same things, like I used to with Mark right after we'd broken up, and I was trying to be friends with him. So, I asked him how he was, and he said fine, school's fine, i'm fine, etc... Yeah.
Then he started ranting about how my younger brother was an a*hole, because of something that happened at Homecoming. I tried to confront my bro about this now, because I remembered one of J's friends talking to me about how my brother was swearing at Jared during homecoming... so, I made him apologize, and I typed it. And Jared was still PO'd. Or worse. I guess I said some... meh, but sort of maybe kinda justified stuff about he was being just as immature, acting like a ten-year-old, swearing just as much... yeah. :-/ xP Though, I will admit, the comment about David learning the swearing from him was wrong...-ish... okay, it was. It was mean.
And you know what?
It felt familiar, I was used to it, I almost welcomed it, us fighting over g-chat like that. It was comfortable. Because it had happened before. And a lot of fighting went on over my brother, even when we had been dating... I dunno, for some reason, David and Jared hate each other. o.e
Either way, it was wrong.
I miss being able to talk to guys. But I now realize, more than ever, how much I've screwed up with them, and made it impossible for them to ever talk to me earnestly and honestly again... well, some guys, I guess...
And hear I go again, screwing up. *isongchatwithJared*
The odd thing is, the only non-awkward friendship/relationship/acquaintenceship (sp? super sp.) that isn't bad at the moment that was an ex, is the one with Mark and I. We're actually doing pretty good. We're replying emails, as soon as we notice them, and I guess that's good...
*headdesk*
There must be something else going on with Jared.
I'm gonna stop before I say too much.
Love you guys. :)
God Bless.
~Aly/Kim/Alyce...
I'm gonna get all like, obese. o.eeee *sigh* Oh well.
Another case of Sixth Grade Emo.
It's made of suck.
And, I'm gonna rant...
WARNING: I'm not sure what's gonna be in here, but there's a possibility of pathetical self-pity, and you probably don't wanna hear me whine. Yah. If not, go ahead and keep reading... oh well, whatever. *headdesk*
Okay, maybe I'll rant... I think I just got it out (if that print actually turns out bold.) Either way, you guys have no idea what I'm talking about, but neither do I, sooo...
And I asked my mom to buy me coffee from McDonald's. I suck. *headdesk* *emo*
I've been praying, yet again, but I haven't been letting go of what I've let off as burdens to him. It's pretty hard sometimes. A few years back, I had serious guilt issues, and 100% no self-esteem. o.e Remind me not to reread my diary.
Remember that whole 'self-analysis' thing? I might be doing that to me now... I guess it's kinda dumb. I dunno. I realize now, that God made me, a unique creation, an individual, beautiful, loved forever, able to be forgiven for my sins.
I'm really glad about that. It's quite a leap from about two years ago. Either way, I've been having issues lately. I don't know why. It could be PMS, but I doubt it. I haven't had this kind of reaction to much since sixth grade...
I've become quite bitter lately, I guess. Just... really... bitter. :-/ No one wants to talk to a bitter person. Just really bitter toward the world. Which is pretty much what we're NOT supposed to do, as written in the Bible. You know, God forgives us. So we should be forgiving. But none of my FRIENDS in particular, have really wronged me personally lately... I don't know. I don't feel very forgiving of society's negative influence or the distorted world view ('society-based schizophrenia'). There's just so much sin in our world...
Well, I guess I'm more depressed about it, rather than bitter. But it comes out that way. Maybe. I dunno.
Found some abortion statitistics Thursday night. Not happy. It was very depressing. I DID, however, find a pretty inspiring person...
http://www.dianedew.com/aborindx.htm
Diane Dew, who wrote a bunch of those articles, and all that... she sound pretty cool to me.
Today, I finished "For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think" by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. It was really, really interesting. I learned about guys from it...
http://www.foryoungwomenonly.com/BooksStudies/ForYoungWomenOnly/tabid/140/Default.aspx
^teh site.
Anyway, I've also found myself thinking about my former romantic relationships with guys, as well as my crush... and that book also made me rethink the stuff I've said to guys. :-/
Sucks.
I still like the guy I like, but it's sad, because my friend at school, I can tell, most likely still likes him, but probably, like me, just thinks that he's absolutely unattainable. Too many girls like him, that's all I know. I almost would feel wrong, if he EVER would consider go out with me, if he liked me, above all the others... but, kinda honored-ish, I guess then. I don't know... What the book said, "Ego= still has lots of insecurities". But it also said on their survey, that guys feel the most secure in their abilities/overly secure at times, when they're younger... so, I dunno. Maybe he still thinks at the top of the world. xP Maybe I picked a bad choice for a crush... oh well.
My melancholy mood may also be due to the crush. I dunno. I haven't been romantic with anyone for what seems like a while... But, I don't wanna get superuberboycrazy. That would suck worse. I don't wanna be desperate/dependant/obsessive (meh, obsessive's always been a problem with... well, pretty much everything...)
I dunno. Today Sam #1 was wearing a rather attractive outfit. (like, he had on this black sweatshirt, and this really cool grey t-shirt with this cool-looking letters-stuffs on it, and really hot looking black sweatpants... yah... ) I'm screwed, because anything that involves black, on a guy, makes them look hotter to me. o.e And most of the guys I find attractive have bangs... actually, all of them do... I've become rather vain, which is, really, really dumb. But, when it truly comes to dating, I don't really care how they look. S'long as they like me, I like them, they know my boundaries, and they treat me right, I treat them right, he cares, I care, yada yada yada... You know. *headdesk*
None of which, is going to happen with Sam #1, because... I dunno. He seems too cocky to me right now. But I know, I KNOW, for a fact, that he isn't entirely secure (and it's not just because of the book!). We were actually friends, really, friends, last year. He talked to me. And we didn't have to retort to each other every few seconds, even if it is jokingly/not. I know he noticed me staring at him about 5 times today... *headdesk*
You see, if we 'insulted' each other, it would be jokingly... now, sometimes it's not... maybe. I dunno. He said he deleted my message on Facebook without even reading it. *headdesk* Oh well, screw that. He talks to me sometimes, if he's not around everyone else...
And I understand. I'm not always the best around my crushes. I know I get waaaay too in their face sometimes (fifth grade=1st crush= DISASTER; yet another story to be told), and I'm not the 'normal-est' person ever. I dunno.
I just wish he would talk to me.
I've been losing touch with guys a lot lately...
Well, at least any guy that was/is a friend. Before. You know, it's really sad. Jared and I, when I try to talk to him on gmail, I ask the same things, like I used to with Mark right after we'd broken up, and I was trying to be friends with him. So, I asked him how he was, and he said fine, school's fine, i'm fine, etc... Yeah.
Then he started ranting about how my younger brother was an a*hole, because of something that happened at Homecoming. I tried to confront my bro about this now, because I remembered one of J's friends talking to me about how my brother was swearing at Jared during homecoming... so, I made him apologize, and I typed it. And Jared was still PO'd. Or worse. I guess I said some... meh, but sort of maybe kinda justified stuff about he was being just as immature, acting like a ten-year-old, swearing just as much... yeah. :-/ xP Though, I will admit, the comment about David learning the swearing from him was wrong...-ish... okay, it was. It was mean.
And you know what?
It felt familiar, I was used to it, I almost welcomed it, us fighting over g-chat like that. It was comfortable. Because it had happened before. And a lot of fighting went on over my brother, even when we had been dating... I dunno, for some reason, David and Jared hate each other. o.e
Either way, it was wrong.
I miss being able to talk to guys. But I now realize, more than ever, how much I've screwed up with them, and made it impossible for them to ever talk to me earnestly and honestly again... well, some guys, I guess...
And hear I go again, screwing up. *isongchatwithJared*
The odd thing is, the only non-awkward friendship/relationship/acquaintenceship (sp? super sp.) that isn't bad at the moment that was an ex, is the one with Mark and I. We're actually doing pretty good. We're replying emails, as soon as we notice them, and I guess that's good...
*headdesk*
There must be something else going on with Jared.
I'm gonna stop before I say too much.
Love you guys. :)
God Bless.
~Aly/Kim/Alyce...
Monday, August 25, 2008
Randomness. Rant. Life. Thoughts. Today. Yeah.
My creativity died in that title...
Anyway, I'd like to let ya'll know, I'ma be pretty much not on very often starting tommorrow, due to being in DC for my cousin's wedding on Tuesday, and after that, on September 2nd, when our plane gets back, I'll be heading to school. o.e Which kinda sucks.
But I'm sure the wedding will be awesomely... ^^
I am really looking forward to this now. I'm gonna see relatives I haven't seen for years, and all that good stuff... and...
*sighs*
Okay, secretly, I really wanna find someone to dance with at the reception. That's one of my eveel boy crazy goals.
xP
Hopefully not related to me. O.O Most likely not... we don't have a lot of guys in the family that aren't about 18 years older than me or anything more than my brother's age. o.e
Anyway... *sigh*
Today I thought about Rose. And Mark. And Jared. I really miss 'em all...
Mark's probably spazzed out because he couldn't make it to the BD party. It wasn't his fault he couldn't make it... *sigh*
I put some more songs on my playlist for Rose... heh. You know, stuff like the stuff we used to sing back in summer of '06, after I discovered MUSIC!, when I talked to her daily for hours upon hours on the phone... good times. *sigh*
Teen Titans fanvids. D': I miss her... *sigh* :'( *cries*
I saw Jared while running errands today. o.e He was with his friend, who has the same name as 'Kim's' brother, David. (Had a crush on him in fifth grade... LOOOONNNGGG story, not to be told right now) Meh. I waved awkwardly, like I was confused/PO'd or something, and then went into the post office and did my post-office duties and all dat.
I was so tempted to just walk over and talk to them...
So that's what I planned, after I went to get my books and return them to the library. And they were gone already, of course. David and Jared have been hangin' out a heck of a lot this summer. *sighs*
I still feel like I screwed things up between Jared and I. Maybe I'm wrong... but I just hope things go well this schoolyear. I still wanna be friends with him. And I'll feel quite hurt if he starts acting like a jerk to me this year.
Ugh. Maybe I SHOULD stay away from guys... but I just can't decide. I think it'd be healthier if I just had a crush on someone... then I'd just watch them, and think about them, and not about M-Word and every hawt guy I ever see... xP I've become too vain, I think. *sigh* I don't care about how a person looks if I date them. But I now know what the world thinks makes someone attractive...
But I guess I still don't care. I have my own preferences. Heh... *sigh*
I'm sighing a lot. o.e
xP I think I'm at the very beginning of falling in... like I'm walking toward the edge that makes you swept in the world, but being pulled back and forth from right and wrong, and I KNOW what's right, and wrong, yet I contemplate them. But I always stop myself before I get in.
Even though my humor has become increasingly crude. And I'm contemplating tolerance on certain issues that I know are wrong. I love God. And I need to focus. I can't go through life without God. That would kill. I wouldn't BE here if I didn't have faith in Him. I wouldn't be ALIVE if he wasn't there. Nor would anyone else...
xP
The most frustrating, depressing, GAH! D:< (ish a face) boards ever:
http://forums.avatarspirit.net/index.php?board=2.0
xPPPP (xP= also a face)
Granted, I learned a lot about certain events from those threads, but still. D:< GAH.
xP
Please don't shoot me for being immature about this right now... *sigh*
*changessubject*
I AM SO EXCITED FOR DC NOW!
I really wanna see my cousins and everyone. Though it'll be awkward to have more of those cheek-pinching aunts you really don't know who go all "Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" when they see me... o.e But everything will be good. ^^
:)
Well, school's comin' up... Good luck to all. God Bless. :) ^^
~Aly-chan, "Kim"
Anyway, I'd like to let ya'll know, I'ma be pretty much not on very often starting tommorrow, due to being in DC for my cousin's wedding on Tuesday, and after that, on September 2nd, when our plane gets back, I'll be heading to school. o.e Which kinda sucks.
But I'm sure the wedding will be awesomely... ^^
I am really looking forward to this now. I'm gonna see relatives I haven't seen for years, and all that good stuff... and...
*sighs*
Okay, secretly, I really wanna find someone to dance with at the reception. That's one of my eveel boy crazy goals.
xP
Hopefully not related to me. O.O Most likely not... we don't have a lot of guys in the family that aren't about 18 years older than me or anything more than my brother's age. o.e
Anyway... *sigh*
Today I thought about Rose. And Mark. And Jared. I really miss 'em all...
Mark's probably spazzed out because he couldn't make it to the BD party. It wasn't his fault he couldn't make it... *sigh*
I put some more songs on my playlist for Rose... heh. You know, stuff like the stuff we used to sing back in summer of '06, after I discovered MUSIC!, when I talked to her daily for hours upon hours on the phone... good times. *sigh*
Teen Titans fanvids. D': I miss her... *sigh* :'( *cries*
I saw Jared while running errands today. o.e He was with his friend, who has the same name as 'Kim's' brother, David. (Had a crush on him in fifth grade... LOOOONNNGGG story, not to be told right now) Meh. I waved awkwardly, like I was confused/PO'd or something, and then went into the post office and did my post-office duties and all dat.
I was so tempted to just walk over and talk to them...
So that's what I planned, after I went to get my books and return them to the library. And they were gone already, of course. David and Jared have been hangin' out a heck of a lot this summer. *sighs*
I still feel like I screwed things up between Jared and I. Maybe I'm wrong... but I just hope things go well this schoolyear. I still wanna be friends with him. And I'll feel quite hurt if he starts acting like a jerk to me this year.
Ugh. Maybe I SHOULD stay away from guys... but I just can't decide. I think it'd be healthier if I just had a crush on someone... then I'd just watch them, and think about them, and not about M-Word and every hawt guy I ever see... xP I've become too vain, I think. *sigh* I don't care about how a person looks if I date them. But I now know what the world thinks makes someone attractive...
But I guess I still don't care. I have my own preferences. Heh... *sigh*
I'm sighing a lot. o.e
xP I think I'm at the very beginning of falling in... like I'm walking toward the edge that makes you swept in the world, but being pulled back and forth from right and wrong, and I KNOW what's right, and wrong, yet I contemplate them. But I always stop myself before I get in.
Even though my humor has become increasingly crude. And I'm contemplating tolerance on certain issues that I know are wrong. I love God. And I need to focus. I can't go through life without God. That would kill. I wouldn't BE here if I didn't have faith in Him. I wouldn't be ALIVE if he wasn't there. Nor would anyone else...
xP
The most frustrating, depressing, GAH! D:< (ish a face) boards ever:
http://forums.avatarspirit.net/index.php?board=2.0
xPPPP (xP= also a face)
Granted, I learned a lot about certain events from those threads, but still. D:< GAH.
xP
Please don't shoot me for being immature about this right now... *sigh*
*changessubject*
I AM SO EXCITED FOR DC NOW!
I really wanna see my cousins and everyone. Though it'll be awkward to have more of those cheek-pinching aunts you really don't know who go all "Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" when they see me... o.e But everything will be good. ^^
:)
Well, school's comin' up... Good luck to all. God Bless. :) ^^
~Aly-chan, "Kim"
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
How could I do that to a friend. (A blog about... 'Jared'...okay, more my boy issues... that I created...)
New Characters:
Sherry- One of Jared's ex-girlfriends. They've been friends since pre-school, and they're still friends. She broke up with Jared because she liked another boy... and the other boy didn't like her back.
Mara- Another one of Jared's ex-girlfriends. The tensions between those two were very high when they were dating, with Jared's constant involvement with Kim, who was also dating Mark at the time. She held some hard feelings toward Kim for a while, but now they're back on good terms...
Rick- Currently likes/liked Rose. He used to like Kim, and was formerly Kim's boyfriend. The 'guy from her church'.
Kenny- One of Jared's friends. Friends with Kim. Though they once dated, and it hardly lasted a a week. They still remain friends.
Samuel- A guy. Called 'Sammie' by girl-ish nickname. A guy-friend of Kim who started going to her small-town school, his former Christian-Private-School innocence destroyed by public school. Sammica, Sammie... girly names are her nicknames for her. Used to live next door to Ella. A little bit of a sick sense of humor at times, yet admittedly, unfortunately, funny.
___________
I can't stand it anymore.
I have to do it. I'm going to hurt him more if I put it off. Or, maybe I'm just being selfish... gosh... I freakin' know I can make this work! I just gotta stop liking Mark. Which seems easier said than done. But I CAN control my emotions! It's not justified to break up with someone because you just want someone else. Because I can't keep my mind off of Mark. Even when I was with Jared! ON THE FREAKIN' FERRIS WHEEL. That is the Jared/Kim place! The first time he put his arm around me.... and Sherry was sitting right there. Just like how Mark and Kim kissed... on a ski-lift... and Rose was on the other seat... heh... wow, I do that a lot on suspended places with people sitting right next to me/guy... *sigh* I miss Rose... and her phone being turned on... it really feels like she moved now... *sigh*
I don't know what to do. Well, actually I do. In order to keep Jared happy, I would have to remain in a relationship with him, actually call him instead of trying to avoid him, and just... be there. And be a good girlfriend. WHO DOESN'T THINK SHE'S GOING TO EITHER CHEAT ON HIM OR BREAK HIS HEART IN SOME OTHER WAY.
I've hurt him before. Even when he didn't deserve it. I've said stupid things to him. But though he's had his share, I shouldn't just hurt him like that... It's not like he's forcing me to stay with him. I just can't let him go like that. But as you know, he's a friend. And even though I wanted to be with him a few times this year, maybe I did what Ella assumes she does. Projected my feelings on someone else. Back then... but even just a few weeks ago, I wanted to be with him again at the dance. But right after I knew Mark's friend, our awesome substitute teacher's younger brother (She's only 26... her younger brother goes to the same school as Mark and is in the same grade) was gone, THAT'S when my feelings for Jared hyped up. And I wanted him to dance with me. And I wanted his attention. And even though I was hurt that night because I thought he didn't want me, it seemed I was wrong, because we messaged each other, and we both decided to go out again.
How does that happen?!
In all honesty, I've been doubting trying this relationship again, since day 1. Our second (or third, if you wanna count the time I kept talking to him online...) try with this. (That debatably second time is an entirely different story...)
I didn't want to be like that quite yet with him. I wasn't ready, and I wasn't over Mark. It was my fault. And it's still my fault.
Like how Rose said she could see herself graduating here, because it had been the longest time she'd ever stayed in one place... (5 years...) and when she found out she had to move again, it made it all so much more real to me. So much sadder. Terribly so.
And so, even though Jared just jokingly mentioned something about '6 years later when I come to dinner and meet your parents...' and other details surrounding that... it just knocked things into perspective again. I hate that... constantly, constantly, I'm having moments that snap me back to something. Snap me back to reality. Back to the little land of dreams of mine... back to sanity... or insanity...
I can't believe I could hurt him like this. What am I gonna say?
"I'm sorry, but I'm still in love with Mark, even though he might not even like me anymore! And still hardly talks to me! When I call him... or see him in church... or even email him! I'm sorry, but bye!"
Yeah. Right.
I don't know... I could be honestly civilized... but... I... I don't want to hurt him. Even though it'll kill me to keep going with him, to have to end up kissing him, holding him, like he was my boyfriend again, the things I did as a 12 year old who only DREAMED of kissing and wrote about 'love'. I didn't know a thing. I still don't.
I can't believe myself... I already did this to Mark. To my other old boyfriends. Hurt them like that, even though they hardly knew. In sixth grade, I didn't know what having boyfriends and dating was. I just said 'let's go out' cuz I was desperate. Jared hooked us up. We were talking about being desperate for a boyfriend/girlfriend. And so there I was, with that kid's friend. I didn't yet admit I liked Jared then, but I guess it was weird... and then I flirted with this guy at my church. Because I was terrible back then. And I wasn't taking my relationship with Jared's friend seriously. I didn't know how yet. I was inexperienced and not used to having a commitment like that. I was just plain naiive. I'd been told I was flirtatious before. And I didn't understand. And I didn't want to like anyone. I just thought I was just talking... I HONESTLY didn't even realize what flirting was. I'm not even sure I get it quite yet.
And yet, I continued my stupidity. It led up to Jared. And I was going out with that kid from my church. Our youth group ended. I wouldn't see him unless I caught a glimpse of him at church. And I didn't go to first service then, so I wouldn't be able to see him anyway. And so when I started dating Jared for the first time, after admitting I liked him under sad circumstances (see 'Love: What It Means to Me'. The story about the a-hole friends comment, and little-kid variant playgrounds...). And so there we were. We dated the whole summer. This seems exactly like that.
Except it isn't at all.
Mark is constantly on my mind. He is my first boyfriend that I actually acted like a girlfriend with. The first boy who told me he loved me, called me pretty (outside my family...), and I felt attracted to in more than a crush-like manner. I was constantly trying to get him to communicate with him. We had a lot of similar interests. He had a subtle sense of humor, sometimes dark, at least playing games like Mafia and Killer (card roleplay games with... well, killers...), loved anime, INCLUDING Fruits Basket and Ouran High School Host Club, listened to Linkin Park (He listens to music according to his mood... which he stated, he listened to LP when he was depressed... but just the fact that he liked the band and listened to them without calling them a 'freakin' emo band' that 'only emos like', seemed to be enough for me...) and he was sad a lot... quiet... sensitive... yet, he was guy-ish too. Living with all his brother's. His family's split was tragical enough... his father's behavior as the cliche kinda 'rich guy who's always too busy with business' was just perfect. In so many ways, he resembled my mental romance novel boy. But I recently read something so applicable to me... on AvatarSpirit.Net, of all places. From a man who had his heart broken early, after a divorce of a two year marriage.
"At some point, you've got to let go of your fantasies and come back to the real world."
It seemed he didn't want to believe in love either, until it happened to him... which is understandable, considering his difficult position. I was playing girlfriend, while desperately wanting to help him. And yet, I wanted to just be his girlfriend too... after a while, I thought it got frustrating. I cried for him. I cried because I thought I messed up with him. Because he thought he hurt me, when he didn't. Because I pulled away from that kiss... it felt so awkward, my first kiss. It tasted weird too, if you want all honesty...
I kept snapping back to the real world in that relationship. And I said I loved him. But toward the end, everything seemed to be watering down... and I was getting involved, FAR too involved, with Jared, just online, just talking... but that was when him and I let ourselves go. We spoke so seriously online. I said I loved HIM, too, online. He said he loved me. I couldn't help but reciprocate. And truth be told, I wanted to... I do love him. I guess, just more in a platonic way, though. And though Mark and I are broken up, though I want us to be just friends, so I can still help him overcome whatever's going on, even though it seems so wrong to most people to be in any form of relationship with someone just to 'fix' them... I want to be with him.
Jared saw his future with me.
I saw my future with Mark. I dreamed about it, thought about it all the time while going out with him. I never doubted that we could work... even after all those years.
Though my heart longs for someone to be with forever, I was desperate to be so careful while going out with Mark. He'd done things a guy had never done before with me. Simple little things, normal things, you know? Put his arm around my waist, held my hand, then, when I decided it was uncomfortable to have him put his arm around my waist, he willingly moved to my shoulders, and I did the same. I didn't ever call him a dork. The only time I stereotyped him was back when Rose liked him, and plus, to us, it was a compliment, because we truly believed he was a (but mostly hot...) 'hawt emo guy'.
And he is. He really is.
But I like it... and I like him. Do I love him? I don't know...
I have so long to go. Even though, when I think about it, four years and I'll be in college. 10 and I'll be 23. So short... so little time... yet so much time. My teen years go fast. And slow. And I want someone to spend them with, but... is it time to find forever already? Do I really want that?
And what if I do something stupid? Will I go 9 months through school with no humor, background music, cute guys, attractive adoptive fathers for certain unborn children...? Will I do that? Would I do that? Would I go to a stupid party? And do something stupider? What will I mess up? How can I prevent it?
I don't wanna screw up either. Honestly, that's another subject entirely, and IF I ever got pregnant, and it was because I chose to do that with some guy, I'd have the child.
Just saying.
Anyway, back to the original topic.
*sigh*
I can't do this! I don't want to hurt my best guy friend, I don't know if Mark wants me back or if I'll stress him out, or if I'll ever learn to talk to him in a way that makes him want to talk to me with honest, truthful, long, liberating conversation, or if I'll ever be content with Jared as a boyfriend, or if I'll screw up, or if he'll try to make me screw up, or...
Gosh, I wish I lived in the age where none of this happened.
*sigh*
Oh well...
Lord, thank you for the people I know, for blessing me with the incredible people that I love. Please guide me through these difficult times... may I make decisions pleasing to you.
Amen.
Sherry- One of Jared's ex-girlfriends. They've been friends since pre-school, and they're still friends. She broke up with Jared because she liked another boy... and the other boy didn't like her back.
Mara- Another one of Jared's ex-girlfriends. The tensions between those two were very high when they were dating, with Jared's constant involvement with Kim, who was also dating Mark at the time. She held some hard feelings toward Kim for a while, but now they're back on good terms...
Rick- Currently likes/liked Rose. He used to like Kim, and was formerly Kim's boyfriend. The 'guy from her church'.
Kenny- One of Jared's friends. Friends with Kim. Though they once dated, and it hardly lasted a a week. They still remain friends.
Samuel- A guy. Called 'Sammie' by girl-ish nickname. A guy-friend of Kim who started going to her small-town school, his former Christian-Private-School innocence destroyed by public school. Sammica, Sammie... girly names are her nicknames for her. Used to live next door to Ella. A little bit of a sick sense of humor at times, yet admittedly, unfortunately, funny.
___________
I can't stand it anymore.
I have to do it. I'm going to hurt him more if I put it off. Or, maybe I'm just being selfish... gosh... I freakin' know I can make this work! I just gotta stop liking Mark. Which seems easier said than done. But I CAN control my emotions! It's not justified to break up with someone because you just want someone else. Because I can't keep my mind off of Mark. Even when I was with Jared! ON THE FREAKIN' FERRIS WHEEL. That is the Jared/Kim place! The first time he put his arm around me.... and Sherry was sitting right there. Just like how Mark and Kim kissed... on a ski-lift... and Rose was on the other seat... heh... wow, I do that a lot on suspended places with people sitting right next to me/guy... *sigh* I miss Rose... and her phone being turned on... it really feels like she moved now... *sigh*
I don't know what to do. Well, actually I do. In order to keep Jared happy, I would have to remain in a relationship with him, actually call him instead of trying to avoid him, and just... be there. And be a good girlfriend. WHO DOESN'T THINK SHE'S GOING TO EITHER CHEAT ON HIM OR BREAK HIS HEART IN SOME OTHER WAY.
I've hurt him before. Even when he didn't deserve it. I've said stupid things to him. But though he's had his share, I shouldn't just hurt him like that... It's not like he's forcing me to stay with him. I just can't let him go like that. But as you know, he's a friend. And even though I wanted to be with him a few times this year, maybe I did what Ella assumes she does. Projected my feelings on someone else. Back then... but even just a few weeks ago, I wanted to be with him again at the dance. But right after I knew Mark's friend, our awesome substitute teacher's younger brother (She's only 26... her younger brother goes to the same school as Mark and is in the same grade) was gone, THAT'S when my feelings for Jared hyped up. And I wanted him to dance with me. And I wanted his attention. And even though I was hurt that night because I thought he didn't want me, it seemed I was wrong, because we messaged each other, and we both decided to go out again.
How does that happen?!
In all honesty, I've been doubting trying this relationship again, since day 1. Our second (or third, if you wanna count the time I kept talking to him online...) try with this. (That debatably second time is an entirely different story...)
I didn't want to be like that quite yet with him. I wasn't ready, and I wasn't over Mark. It was my fault. And it's still my fault.
Like how Rose said she could see herself graduating here, because it had been the longest time she'd ever stayed in one place... (5 years...) and when she found out she had to move again, it made it all so much more real to me. So much sadder. Terribly so.
And so, even though Jared just jokingly mentioned something about '6 years later when I come to dinner and meet your parents...' and other details surrounding that... it just knocked things into perspective again. I hate that... constantly, constantly, I'm having moments that snap me back to something. Snap me back to reality. Back to the little land of dreams of mine... back to sanity... or insanity...
I can't believe I could hurt him like this. What am I gonna say?
"I'm sorry, but I'm still in love with Mark, even though he might not even like me anymore! And still hardly talks to me! When I call him... or see him in church... or even email him! I'm sorry, but bye!"
Yeah. Right.
I don't know... I could be honestly civilized... but... I... I don't want to hurt him. Even though it'll kill me to keep going with him, to have to end up kissing him, holding him, like he was my boyfriend again, the things I did as a 12 year old who only DREAMED of kissing and wrote about 'love'. I didn't know a thing. I still don't.
I can't believe myself... I already did this to Mark. To my other old boyfriends. Hurt them like that, even though they hardly knew. In sixth grade, I didn't know what having boyfriends and dating was. I just said 'let's go out' cuz I was desperate. Jared hooked us up. We were talking about being desperate for a boyfriend/girlfriend. And so there I was, with that kid's friend. I didn't yet admit I liked Jared then, but I guess it was weird... and then I flirted with this guy at my church. Because I was terrible back then. And I wasn't taking my relationship with Jared's friend seriously. I didn't know how yet. I was inexperienced and not used to having a commitment like that. I was just plain naiive. I'd been told I was flirtatious before. And I didn't understand. And I didn't want to like anyone. I just thought I was just talking... I HONESTLY didn't even realize what flirting was. I'm not even sure I get it quite yet.
And yet, I continued my stupidity. It led up to Jared. And I was going out with that kid from my church. Our youth group ended. I wouldn't see him unless I caught a glimpse of him at church. And I didn't go to first service then, so I wouldn't be able to see him anyway. And so when I started dating Jared for the first time, after admitting I liked him under sad circumstances (see 'Love: What It Means to Me'. The story about the a-hole friends comment, and little-kid variant playgrounds...). And so there we were. We dated the whole summer. This seems exactly like that.
Except it isn't at all.
Mark is constantly on my mind. He is my first boyfriend that I actually acted like a girlfriend with. The first boy who told me he loved me, called me pretty (outside my family...), and I felt attracted to in more than a crush-like manner. I was constantly trying to get him to communicate with him. We had a lot of similar interests. He had a subtle sense of humor, sometimes dark, at least playing games like Mafia and Killer (card roleplay games with... well, killers...), loved anime, INCLUDING Fruits Basket and Ouran High School Host Club, listened to Linkin Park (He listens to music according to his mood... which he stated, he listened to LP when he was depressed... but just the fact that he liked the band and listened to them without calling them a 'freakin' emo band' that 'only emos like', seemed to be enough for me...) and he was sad a lot... quiet... sensitive... yet, he was guy-ish too. Living with all his brother's. His family's split was tragical enough... his father's behavior as the cliche kinda 'rich guy who's always too busy with business' was just perfect. In so many ways, he resembled my mental romance novel boy. But I recently read something so applicable to me... on AvatarSpirit.Net, of all places. From a man who had his heart broken early, after a divorce of a two year marriage.
"At some point, you've got to let go of your fantasies and come back to the real world."
It seemed he didn't want to believe in love either, until it happened to him... which is understandable, considering his difficult position. I was playing girlfriend, while desperately wanting to help him. And yet, I wanted to just be his girlfriend too... after a while, I thought it got frustrating. I cried for him. I cried because I thought I messed up with him. Because he thought he hurt me, when he didn't. Because I pulled away from that kiss... it felt so awkward, my first kiss. It tasted weird too, if you want all honesty...
I kept snapping back to the real world in that relationship. And I said I loved him. But toward the end, everything seemed to be watering down... and I was getting involved, FAR too involved, with Jared, just online, just talking... but that was when him and I let ourselves go. We spoke so seriously online. I said I loved HIM, too, online. He said he loved me. I couldn't help but reciprocate. And truth be told, I wanted to... I do love him. I guess, just more in a platonic way, though. And though Mark and I are broken up, though I want us to be just friends, so I can still help him overcome whatever's going on, even though it seems so wrong to most people to be in any form of relationship with someone just to 'fix' them... I want to be with him.
Jared saw his future with me.
I saw my future with Mark. I dreamed about it, thought about it all the time while going out with him. I never doubted that we could work... even after all those years.
Though my heart longs for someone to be with forever, I was desperate to be so careful while going out with Mark. He'd done things a guy had never done before with me. Simple little things, normal things, you know? Put his arm around my waist, held my hand, then, when I decided it was uncomfortable to have him put his arm around my waist, he willingly moved to my shoulders, and I did the same. I didn't ever call him a dork. The only time I stereotyped him was back when Rose liked him, and plus, to us, it was a compliment, because we truly believed he was a (but mostly hot...) 'hawt emo guy'.
And he is. He really is.
But I like it... and I like him. Do I love him? I don't know...
I have so long to go. Even though, when I think about it, four years and I'll be in college. 10 and I'll be 23. So short... so little time... yet so much time. My teen years go fast. And slow. And I want someone to spend them with, but... is it time to find forever already? Do I really want that?
And what if I do something stupid? Will I go 9 months through school with no humor, background music, cute guys, attractive adoptive fathers for certain unborn children...? Will I do that? Would I do that? Would I go to a stupid party? And do something stupider? What will I mess up? How can I prevent it?
I don't wanna screw up either. Honestly, that's another subject entirely, and IF I ever got pregnant, and it was because I chose to do that with some guy, I'd have the child.
Just saying.
Anyway, back to the original topic.
*sigh*
I can't do this! I don't want to hurt my best guy friend, I don't know if Mark wants me back or if I'll stress him out, or if I'll ever learn to talk to him in a way that makes him want to talk to me with honest, truthful, long, liberating conversation, or if I'll ever be content with Jared as a boyfriend, or if I'll screw up, or if he'll try to make me screw up, or...
Gosh, I wish I lived in the age where none of this happened.
*sigh*
Oh well...
Lord, thank you for the people I know, for blessing me with the incredible people that I love. Please guide me through these difficult times... may I make decisions pleasing to you.
Amen.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Though It's Father's Day... I keep on dreamin' of stuff father's never want their daughters to go...(i.e. dating, and making out with lead singers...)
Yeah. Not the sick stuff, people. It IS, a Sunday. And yet I'm here. I couldn't go to Sunday School cuz my dad wanted to sleep in today, since it IS, Father's Day, and we were working at CareFest all day yesterday. (Carefest= http://www.rochestercarefest.org/ ) And even with that blog I made yesterday...
I literally dreamed I was making out with Mat Thiessen. Yes, that something year old, about 27, lead singer guy of Relient K... who is like, super, uberly, cute, and rather hawt-ish. I met him in a flippin' parking lot. (My dreams never make sense... at least realistically... ) I was spinning around with my friends, and I was like being a spazzy fangirl, and staring at him dreamily, and so obsessively, and yeah, he said he loved me. (O.o), and then all of a sudden, we were kissing... it was almost, like, in Juno, 'cept we had clothes on. O.eeeeeeeeee. And we were doing anything like that. Just making out. Really.
And yeah. Some dude, who was a singer of a band I just happened to like, saw the concert for last year, for the first time, started making out with me... and the sickest thing was, I think dream me enjoyed it. And he's like, 14 freakin' years older than me!!! O.O
O' course, my daycare lady married a man about 20 years older than her... but she's like, almost sixty, and... yeah. Weird, but somehow, it worked. I think it was her second marriage...
Weird, weird, and more weird. My dreams are messed up.
And yet, I have a boyfriend... and I'm happy with him... and I like him, and all, but... I keep thinking of someone else. And I just talked to them for 30 seconds last night. He never spoke to me, hardly, when we were dating anyway... but... I've been thinking of him so much. (Mark; Jared is Kim's current bf). Constantly. My heart was skipping, just as the phone was ringing. And I was ridiculously happy to hear his voice. T.T Not to mention, I kept watching the Japanese exchange student guy from my church... he's so cute. Though, he's like, at least 2-5 years older than me...
Ugggggggggghhhh.... I am so wrong. And I kept looking at attractive guys at CareFest yesterday... I just kept, watching them, you know. Cuz they were rather hot to me. And it's so WRONNNNNNNNNG. I have a flippin' boyfriend. Why am I so uncaring...?
I like him. I like Jared. But... I don't know why I just don't think of him the same anymore... maybe we waited a little too long to start dating again... *sigh*
I literally dreamed I was making out with Mat Thiessen. Yes, that something year old, about 27, lead singer guy of Relient K... who is like, super, uberly, cute, and rather hawt-ish. I met him in a flippin' parking lot. (My dreams never make sense... at least realistically... ) I was spinning around with my friends, and I was like being a spazzy fangirl, and staring at him dreamily, and so obsessively, and yeah, he said he loved me. (O.o), and then all of a sudden, we were kissing... it was almost, like, in Juno, 'cept we had clothes on. O.eeeeeeeeee. And we were doing anything like that. Just making out. Really.
And yeah. Some dude, who was a singer of a band I just happened to like, saw the concert for last year, for the first time, started making out with me... and the sickest thing was, I think dream me enjoyed it. And he's like, 14 freakin' years older than me!!! O.O
O' course, my daycare lady married a man about 20 years older than her... but she's like, almost sixty, and... yeah. Weird, but somehow, it worked. I think it was her second marriage...
Weird, weird, and more weird. My dreams are messed up.
And yet, I have a boyfriend... and I'm happy with him... and I like him, and all, but... I keep thinking of someone else. And I just talked to them for 30 seconds last night. He never spoke to me, hardly, when we were dating anyway... but... I've been thinking of him so much. (Mark; Jared is Kim's current bf). Constantly. My heart was skipping, just as the phone was ringing. And I was ridiculously happy to hear his voice. T.T Not to mention, I kept watching the Japanese exchange student guy from my church... he's so cute. Though, he's like, at least 2-5 years older than me...
Ugggggggggghhhh.... I am so wrong. And I kept looking at attractive guys at CareFest yesterday... I just kept, watching them, you know. Cuz they were rather hot to me. And it's so WRONNNNNNNNNG. I have a flippin' boyfriend. Why am I so uncaring...?
I like him. I like Jared. But... I don't know why I just don't think of him the same anymore... maybe we waited a little too long to start dating again... *sigh*
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