Well, I have just realized that I usually blog right before Carefest, or right after... it's now midnight, the day after Carefest. It was a great time, as it is every year. And I love to spend it with my friend. But the point is to serve others, to let them see the light of Christ. Wow.
I've recently had a conversation with someone close to me telling me that I need to stop beating myself up over things. But if I didn't... I don't know if I would be able to make myself stop doing stupid or obviously wrong things. I guilt myself into a lot of things, and it's absolutely wrong for me to do that in the first place, but if I didn't, I'd just be an honestly jerkish person who didn't give a crap. Some people encourage that. Some people see it as rude. I do rude things without knowing all the time, and what I need is to be more aware of my thoughts and actions... instead of overthinking them later when the deed's been done.
I'm considering taking advantage of my church's counseling services. I'm on the prayer team, but... I don't know about that now. I don't know. And it'd be hypocritical for me not to want to go by saying that I could handle this on my own/ONLY talking to other people who aren't counselors, with the way I push this stuff toward other people all the time. It's no cure-all and it's difficult and uncomfortable, and for the first time in a while, I have to consider that and admit that. But most of the people at the center aren't strangers to me. And if I honestly don't believe there's no shame in asking for help, and have humbled myself enough to say I need it, then... well... I should just do it. Before I talk myself out of it. Because that's happened a lot, with a lot of different things.
So... back to Carefest. We cleaned up a middle school. While cleaning lockers in the girls' locker room, I found a bullet in one of the lockers I let Leah keep it. She joked that it was just someone going to her high school(apparently, it's "ghetto" there. xP), but... I dunno. I was first reminded of a book I read (The Adventures of Fanboy and Goth Girl by Barry Lyga, in which the main character carries a bullet around with him at all times),and then disturbed. I remembered something I'd heard about that middle school, about a student that used to go there, and no longer goes there because they're dead, essentially. It was... briefly sobering. And then I just got back to work and joking around and socializing with Leah and the girl who graduated from my school last year, who happened to be at the same project.
In light of recent events... I found it even more disturbing. I don't know why I keep thinking about this kind of stuff. My friend and I have very drastically different ways with dealing with things. To be honest, I avoid my feelings, or channel them, in different ways, through focusing on fiction or other subjects. But never NOT talking about them. If it's really burning in me, I have to get it out. Whether in journal or blog or aloud, whichever works at the time, I have to get it out. I can never really be alone with my thoughts, unless those thoughts terrify me enough that I don't want people to be concerned. Which has been unfortunately often lately.
So later in Carefest, we arrived at the arena to do some more work (Leah and I were DETERMINED to paint, because we paint EVERY YEAR and we must paint each other! MUST.)So we got to paint a wall! And it was fun! :D Yeah! We did have some conversation too. We've actually taken off most of our roleplaying for a while, so now most of our conversation is just conversation, and it's pretty cool. 8) And we had some people help use finish the wall toward the end. They just happened to be male and of the attractive variety, which, again, is completely, COMPLETELY, missing the point of yesterday. But they were nice, and we talked about music and Sunshine festival, and plays and such.
And just to keep things interesting, I'll now tell you about what I did on Thursday and Friday. Thursday afternoon, miss lovely Ella brought me down to her house and we hung out and talked and stuff, while we waited for miss Leah to arrive. It was cool. We watched some deleted scenes from Repo! The Genetic Opera, and one of Terrance Zdunich's videos, and such, and it was quite enjoyable. Then Leah arrived, we watched some Uncle Yo on YouTube (Otaku/Geek comedian of epic lolz0rz), but they did not seem to appreciate him very much... ^^' Later on we watched Repo! The Genetic Opera. Honestly, I really only liked Mag, occasionally Shilo, and the Graverobber, and... well... I found the costumes to be a bit... distracting. xP And I worry that that might just be the point. Yes, it was sad when Nathan was dying and Shilo said goodbye. Of course I almost teared up at that point. But... costumes. Idea for the movie? Something and "love of beautiful women". *ahem* Decent movie overall, I suppose, in spite of that. Call me a prude or perv or whatever, but it was just too sexual in my opinion, even without an outright sex scene.
After this film, we did some awesome makeup, using songs as inspiration. We all looked pretty rad when we walked to the Dollar Store (which was closed), and then Wal*Mart to buy snacks for our next film-viewing. :)
Anyways, we also watched Vampires Suck, which was funny, mostly because it parodied Twilight, and Becca's actress imitated Kristen Stewart really well. (Haha, new nickname for her... K-Stew. Lol. Stew. Sorry, I'm a little off tonight...) Anyways, some YouTube parodies were better. But overall, pretty funny. Kind of reminded me of those straight-up teen movies.
Best of the night in my opinion (though you can't compare any of these genre-wise): Howl's Moving Castle. I know it wasn't too pleasing for Nathaniel to know that I watched it without him, but it was just... amazing. Truly a great film. The fantasy elements and the realistic paired up so well, and were well-balanced... though you could say there's not much realistic in the film. It just had the overtone of seriousness, with the backdrop of war. But like anime movies tend to go, there is hopefulness at the end. It was just incredible. I need to watch more Hayao Miyazaki...
(and Ella and Leah need to watch some Makoto Shinkai. *cough*)
The next morning, we hung out so more, ate some breakfast, watched Ella demonstrate some pretty awesome dances (Love and Joy and... I don't remember the other one. ^^' I'll have to ask her to Facebook it to me. x3), and then drove off to the AWESOMENESS that is X-Men: First Class. First off, I have to say, historical truth I learned here:
Mutants solved the Cuban Missile Crisis.
That is all. *jk* Actually, it was just a really great movie. The plot was fascinating, especially with Erik/Magento's character developments, as well as the contrast between he and Xavier/Professor x. Interactions between characters (particularly Mystique/X, Mystique/Erik, Erik/X, Mystique/Hank, and Mystique/Erik) were just spot on, in my opinion. Especially the scene where Xavier motivates Erik to move a gigantic satellite... his words... man. Knocked me out. Great movie. And not to mention the eye-candy. Heh. I decided to put that one last to make myself look a lot better than I am for a second. See how terrible I am? xP
We returned to Ella's and watched a show about survivors of stuff on Animal Planet. It was really intense. I have thoughts on that. But I've decided against expressing them. So, I left and went shopping for groceries and things for my mission trip with my youth group to the Dominican Republic in less than two weeks.
I'm going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic. June 30th to July 11th. I'm praying that God really changes my heart there. I'm always feeling like these trips and big events are what's just going to turn me around... but there's always that 48 hour rule (where, if you don't make a change within those hours, you probably won't change), and the fact that change is a process. I've got issues. And maybe they aren't solvable by counseling, or maybe that would help, or maybe I just need a big kick in the butt to get me going. And I haven't been managing to do it myself very well.
So, concluding thoughts for the night... yeah. I've thought too much this weekend. Good night and God bless, all. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Nathaniel's post
http://nathanielssuperfunblogtime.blogspot.com/2011/06/something-about-death.html
I'm giving you all a link to Nathaniel's blog as well, because his response to this tragic recent event was a really great one. I hope you read it and make some sense out of it.
Thank you, readers, and God bless once again.
I'm giving you all a link to Nathaniel's blog as well, because his response to this tragic recent event was a really great one. I hope you read it and make some sense out of it.
Thank you, readers, and God bless once again.
Response.
No apologies this time for not posting. And yet I say I'm sorry. First downright freaking honest entry I've ever written.
(my response to this entry and the events within it)
http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html
Life just goes on, as I listen to the whole story of today. There's tragedy, and in the midst of that, humor in other everyday situations, maybe to keep us anchored so we don't get buried in grief. I wouldn't know.
Everywhere, death is just everywhere. Our young men and women die in wars. We die in car accidents. We die from illness, and accidents of other kinds, we die from accidental poisoning... but the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24 in Minnesota (at least), is suicide.
It's been all over this year. Every week, it seemed, someone in the middle school in the next town over killed themselves, or in high school, or they died in a car accident, or any variety of things. But suicide. Thirty-something fathers with 12 and 8 year olds. Sick men in desperate pain. An 8th grade girl. Valedictorians of high schools. These are the people I've heard of dying this way this year.
I cannot imagine what it's like to be left behind in a situation such as this. I'm praying for the families.
I made a new friend today. He's tried to do this to himself so many times... self-injured from elementary school age. Fortunately, he's not trying to do this anymore. He shared so much with me about his life. This friend of mine also helped out so many of his other friends with this. I've had friends who've tried this. Even I've considered it. At least two people related to me have considered it.
I understand why we ask God why. Why, why, why, why, why, why. To all the questions Job asked God, he responded with all of the incredible, beautiful things that He does in creation, with his own questions... I remember the first time I read Job 38-42. It was at a prayer night for youth group, where the leader told us to find a spot in the room, and that it was okay for us to get angry at God, to let out all our emotions to Him--How Davi'ds Psalms were often about sorrow, and those were prayers to God. He was honest.
That first time, I had prayed briefly, emotionally, about those who died. But moreso, I prayed about those who had survived, whose lives were so difficult, and what made them difficult was written on every step they took, everything families had to do for people, the people I knew who were in great pain, and whose lives were just so hard. Because at that time, I'd been wondering if it was worse to live in misery than to die. I didn't have any personal experience. I had just been wondering.
And now I must pray these things, reread these chapters for those who are suffering loss and grief now. God, Lord, God, there's so much loss! Why on earth are you letting this happen?!
In Job 38-42, God questions Job after Job,who has lost virtually everything that he considered valuable in his life (children, sustenance, health, has a somewhat unsupportive seeming wife, and friends who might not understand), questions him. In these questions, he overwhelms Job with his majesty and mystery and power. When the Lord is done with this speech, Job responds like this:
Job 42
Job
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
And this is what happens next:
Epilogue
7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” 9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[m] and a gold ring.
12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.
16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.
In spite of all that God did for Job, all that he said and did, it still, truly, honestly, does not make it easier. What I've gotten from these verses, from chapters 38-42 of Job, is that God is simply beyond us. We will ask why all we want, and we will never comprehend the answer. And yet, God will continue to bless us.
All through tonight, I've read ponderings that God is ineffective, been around those who believe he doesn't exist, or aren't sure, and who go on, and seen girls cry, heard of my closest friend crying, over this recent tragedy. And God... it's written also, that God will wipe away our every tear in the end of times. And that Jesus cares for the broken.
A song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
But it's so hard. It's so hard not to understand, and to accept that. It's so EASY to just say that God is a horrible god, that He should step in, and if he really was as powerful as it was written that He was, then He would step in and stop this .... from happening. But I can't do that. Because I know it's not true. But it would be so easy. I cannot imagine, simply cannot imagine, the pain of this young man's family and friends right now. It seems death is becoming much more common these days, all around. So many people are grieving, in so much pain. I can only pray that God will give me the strength to help these people, even if it's just an ear to lend them, or just to be silent, or just to not talk if that's what is needed.
For all those who pray, please pray for this young man's family and friends. For peace, without guilt, without all these overwhelming questions. Thank you.
God bless.
-Alison
(my response to this entry and the events within it)
http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html
Life just goes on, as I listen to the whole story of today. There's tragedy, and in the midst of that, humor in other everyday situations, maybe to keep us anchored so we don't get buried in grief. I wouldn't know.
Everywhere, death is just everywhere. Our young men and women die in wars. We die in car accidents. We die from illness, and accidents of other kinds, we die from accidental poisoning... but the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24 in Minnesota (at least), is suicide.
It's been all over this year. Every week, it seemed, someone in the middle school in the next town over killed themselves, or in high school, or they died in a car accident, or any variety of things. But suicide. Thirty-something fathers with 12 and 8 year olds. Sick men in desperate pain. An 8th grade girl. Valedictorians of high schools. These are the people I've heard of dying this way this year.
I cannot imagine what it's like to be left behind in a situation such as this. I'm praying for the families.
I made a new friend today. He's tried to do this to himself so many times... self-injured from elementary school age. Fortunately, he's not trying to do this anymore. He shared so much with me about his life. This friend of mine also helped out so many of his other friends with this. I've had friends who've tried this. Even I've considered it. At least two people related to me have considered it.
I understand why we ask God why. Why, why, why, why, why, why. To all the questions Job asked God, he responded with all of the incredible, beautiful things that He does in creation, with his own questions... I remember the first time I read Job 38-42. It was at a prayer night for youth group, where the leader told us to find a spot in the room, and that it was okay for us to get angry at God, to let out all our emotions to Him--How Davi'ds Psalms were often about sorrow, and those were prayers to God. He was honest.
That first time, I had prayed briefly, emotionally, about those who died. But moreso, I prayed about those who had survived, whose lives were so difficult, and what made them difficult was written on every step they took, everything families had to do for people, the people I knew who were in great pain, and whose lives were just so hard. Because at that time, I'd been wondering if it was worse to live in misery than to die. I didn't have any personal experience. I had just been wondering.
And now I must pray these things, reread these chapters for those who are suffering loss and grief now. God, Lord, God, there's so much loss! Why on earth are you letting this happen?!
In Job 38-42, God questions Job after Job,who has lost virtually everything that he considered valuable in his life (children, sustenance, health, has a somewhat unsupportive seeming wife, and friends who might not understand), questions him. In these questions, he overwhelms Job with his majesty and mystery and power. When the Lord is done with this speech, Job responds like this:
Job 42
Job
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
And this is what happens next:
Epilogue
7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” 9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[m] and a gold ring.
12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.
16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.
In spite of all that God did for Job, all that he said and did, it still, truly, honestly, does not make it easier. What I've gotten from these verses, from chapters 38-42 of Job, is that God is simply beyond us. We will ask why all we want, and we will never comprehend the answer. And yet, God will continue to bless us.
All through tonight, I've read ponderings that God is ineffective, been around those who believe he doesn't exist, or aren't sure, and who go on, and seen girls cry, heard of my closest friend crying, over this recent tragedy. And God... it's written also, that God will wipe away our every tear in the end of times. And that Jesus cares for the broken.
A song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
But it's so hard. It's so hard not to understand, and to accept that. It's so EASY to just say that God is a horrible god, that He should step in, and if he really was as powerful as it was written that He was, then He would step in and stop this .... from happening. But I can't do that. Because I know it's not true. But it would be so easy. I cannot imagine, simply cannot imagine, the pain of this young man's family and friends right now. It seems death is becoming much more common these days, all around. So many people are grieving, in so much pain. I can only pray that God will give me the strength to help these people, even if it's just an ear to lend them, or just to be silent, or just to not talk if that's what is needed.
For all those who pray, please pray for this young man's family and friends. For peace, without guilt, without all these overwhelming questions. Thank you.
God bless.
-Alison
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