Guilt? Oh yeah... here it is...(written while chatting with Jared online)

Well, you should all be thankful I'm not listening to Blue October. That would have some negative affects here...

Contemporary Christian (of all sorts; rock, that typical pop-ish stuff, or poppy worship songs.... ) really does do wonders. If I would pay attention to the lyrics.

I don't think I'm doing what God would want me to right now... am I guilting Jared, or... just making him angrier? Probably one... or both... or the other. I'm just... I was being honest. I do regret this. I regret it so much. I regret my cheesy email, I regret telling him that I was beating myself about this... but am I really? Or am I just one of those 'effing lies' in his stat message?

I don't even know anymore.

I had stupid reasons, stupid, stupid, stupid freaking reasons that just... *sigh*

Maybe he's calming down now... I hope so. At least a little bit. I can tell that he doesn't hate me... he's just... angry...

And now he's calmer. Thank goodness...

But... I'm still guilty, but, shamefully, I admit, I'm relieved. That he's calmed down. Even if I sort of deserved this... no, I did deserve it. Or... oh, whatever.

*sigh*

I really hope things get better... if not this summer, at least some time. I'll pray for him... and everyone else, still.