*sigh*
I don't wanna complain. I take this all as an opportunity to be a really great friend, show Jesus' love and compassion, and bring these people to Christ. Like this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh2IRvavyms
*sigh*
But... *sigh* I really... I know what I need to do, but carrying it out, you know? It's kinda hard. When I found out what I did last week about them, I cried and prayed all the way home. And then I cried and prayed some more and told my other friend about them... I'm just so stupidly distracted by lots of selfish things. I really have to try and give it all up for God, and for those friends.
Yeah. Sorry about that... just what's been on my mind for a little while...
Okay, quite a while.
I have to change.
Showing posts with label PRAY. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PRAY. Show all posts
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Blawg tyme (school and stuffs)
New characters:
Dana- a girl from school, who's firsthand experienced 'relational aggression' of the other girls, experienced their bullying, and I do believe has equally gone up against other girls
Mrs. Waver- Guidance counselor for middle school. Awesome woman who has spoken to me (Kim/Alyce) and helped me through many things throughout middle school, as well as made me think a whole lot, and honestly, genuinely cares about the students
Mr. Novelten: Youngish principal guy, around maybe his forties, with kids of his own, formerly just the Middle School principal, now the K-8 guy, due to unfortunate school cutting stuffs.
Trista- A friend I've known since first grade, when she first moved here, moving from someplace else to here, another town, and then ANOTHER town, going to various schools in that town, an often dysfunctional family, her mother full of mysteries and their house full of cigarette smoke, but a really great girl, with big dreams and a great voice.
Danica- My friend who lives with her single mother, and bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend, and has friends who are older, and make often negative decisions at times. She's very in touch with her music, and pretty cool to hang out with, seems and looks older than her age streetwise.
Tick- A bloodsucker. *jk* Some dude that Danica dated, who had MANY issues, and was a pervert, but apparently was just so 'hot' and Trista was attracted to him. Involved with a dramadramadramaduck situation, between Dani having to break up with him, him breaking up with her, and then breaking Trista's heart as well, causing her to get really mad, by DATING DANA WHILE DATING TRISTA, (stupid a-hole guy... please pardon my... yeah...), Mr. Playa's got some problems, and left some girls with some too. Dani's still friends with him, though I find it dangerous, and I don't like most of her boyfriends because most of them have hurt her in some way. Dana and Trista were left with a grudge between each other, due to their boyfriend's cheating issues... among various other things. (Oh yeah. Long story. I'll maybe get to it eventually. Trista just couldn't get talked out of dating this guy... attracted to 'dangerous' guys. xPPPP)
I've decided, like my dearest friend Leanne/Kris, to arrange my blog so that I post at least once a week. Sorry for those who'd rather hear from me more, but I need to give myself something that's structured right now (like homework, xP; though I like blogging....) so that I will have a goal that I can commit to doing. And with school and all started, I've got homework, and all of that, and I'm in procrastinator mode (though it hasn't been so bad so far... which is quite an improvement...)
Sorry guys. D: Now that I have that set up, I'll probably end up posting more... *hugglesreaders* Love you guys.
God Bless you! Gawsh, I need to get on here more...
Anyway...
Life.
I had a great conversation with my parents last night. It was pretty cool. I'm glad I did. I asked my dad/told parents about the 'people problems', witnessing vs. debate, how to tell people about Jesus and live like him toward people... and he told me that the Gospel of John would be a good book to study/read. He told me to read it just like a book, and if I had questions, write them down, you know, really kinda ponder stuff. And I plan on doing that. The point of reading it, is to read about how Jesus interacted with people, the things that He did, His compassion, His love, His everything. John was like a very close friend to Jesus, so that was the perspective that the book was written from. And I think that's a great idea for me to read...
School...
Has finally gotten a little more interesting. I'm gonna start the anti-bullying thing maybe next week, or at least assist with it, now that the system's got it. xP Oh well. Mrs. Waver and the elementary guidance counselor now, can help out with more anti-bullying things. (Last year's school cutting pplz thing got rid of the Elementary principal, causing the Middle School principal, Mr. Novelton to become the K-8 principal.) The school got revamped. Sort of. Actually, they're still constructing various things... the one gym (which really isn't a 'gym gym'... just one of those things with chairs/bleachers and stuff... but it also functions as our stage, so it has chairs attached to these big cement steps and all dat. The new chairs are nice though. The others were like, fifty years old. O.O)
Okay, enough schoolgettingstuffdoneduetothetownvotingfortheschoolgettingmoney,ANDNOTGETTINGANEWHIGHSCHOOL* rant.
Soo... yeah. A girl named Dana, who hung out with me, Macy, Sam from my school and church, at the Burger Bash, on Wednesday, a party-ish thing with music, burgers, other food, and lotsa hangin' out, before See You at the Pole, September 25th, I believe, which may be international, where Christians at schools gather at their flagpole and have fellowship right before school. So it was kind of the pre-party thing. See You After The Pole, the after-party-thing, which is a really cool awesomeness party, where all the kids who went to See You at the Pole in Rochester/schools in that general area, come to in the evening, to hang out and have more fellowship, talk about how it went at their school, have more worship (but with most likely a WAY louder band, which is pretty awesome; our church always has great music anyway. The students get lots of modern Christian rock/other stuff, like Relient K, TobyMac, Family Force Five, etc.... the worship during church service is always pretty awesome too. Our own band thing, sometimes the adult choir, the kid's choir, all that good stuff... yeah. I might go into more detail later, lulz... Don't get me wrong, I really do love going to church to learn about Christ and everything. It's just the people at my church often have good taste in music. And I realize that worship isn't about the sound, it's about worshipping God.)
Great stuff. See You At The Pole seems more powerful at the city school's though... but that's okay. We're not there for us, it's there to show our love for Jesus.
Well... back on topic...
So, anyway, being in the presence of Dana, actually talking to her, and having to drive her home with my mom (well, my mom was doing the driving, since we both live in town and all that, but... you get what I mean...) really inspired me to get moving with that whole 'anti-bullying' class thing. I asked HER about it, and she'd like to get involved also. She's threatened to change schools several time because of this school... supposedly, she's going to a new one next year... *sigh*
But, I'm gonna go for it. And try to fix up what's right for the school, and what's not, along with Mrs. Waver, and the elementary guidance counselor too, if she gets involved also. Bullying is an important issue in our school.
A lovely statistic:
(I think it was about this...)
2/3 school shootings start with bullying at some point. ('Kay, I've most likely talked about this already, but I have to talk about it again; it's really driving and solemn for me.)
I remember the bullied one trying to prove himself out to the others, because they brutally verbally bashed him everyday.
It was a pencil, but stabbing nonetheless, that he did to one of the people who bullied him the most. I was at an all-day choir thing during that day, when it happened at lunch... the boy wasn't horribly injured, in fact, he came to school after a couple days, just fine, practically. Showing people his wound. o.e
But still...
The kid left. He'd moved there that ONE year. Not even one year... all the other new guy students were fine with us kids, but he just got hated on and hated on. People claimed to have tried to be friends with him. He pushed them away. But no one cared to try again. They just rejected him. He was different. He had really thick glasses. Some other issues, health issues, maybe other issues, didn't dress like everyone else.
And yet a lot of them rejected him and verbally abused him. (Because bullying IS abuse!)
It's scary and sat that these things happened...
I don't ever wanna see it happen again, at least at this school. Mrs. Waver told me about a school that had a new program about bullying and things like that, up north, where there had been a shooting/suicide (I think...) and how it was working well...
*sigh*
That was much more intense, and apparently, much more tragic things happened. But our school has had a history of relational agression and rejection of people who are different. That's not nearly as bad as what a school shooting/what leads up to one could be, but it's always possible in places...
I'd been wanting to do this even BEFORE that kid was driven to the edge/couldn't/wasn't reached.
Lots of bullying problems here. Small school, small town. Bullying and drugs is all we got for issues, and that's never good.
Every place has problems. The town may look quaint on the outside... but you gotta live here, you have to look in to understand the people.
Dana- a girl from school, who's firsthand experienced 'relational aggression' of the other girls, experienced their bullying, and I do believe has equally gone up against other girls
Mrs. Waver- Guidance counselor for middle school. Awesome woman who has spoken to me (Kim/Alyce) and helped me through many things throughout middle school, as well as made me think a whole lot, and honestly, genuinely cares about the students
Mr. Novelten: Youngish principal guy, around maybe his forties, with kids of his own, formerly just the Middle School principal, now the K-8 guy, due to unfortunate school cutting stuffs.
Trista- A friend I've known since first grade, when she first moved here, moving from someplace else to here, another town, and then ANOTHER town, going to various schools in that town, an often dysfunctional family, her mother full of mysteries and their house full of cigarette smoke, but a really great girl, with big dreams and a great voice.
Danica- My friend who lives with her single mother, and bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend, and has friends who are older, and make often negative decisions at times. She's very in touch with her music, and pretty cool to hang out with, seems and looks older than her age streetwise.
Tick- A bloodsucker. *jk* Some dude that Danica dated, who had MANY issues, and was a pervert, but apparently was just so 'hot' and Trista was attracted to him. Involved with a dramadramadramaduck situation, between Dani having to break up with him, him breaking up with her, and then breaking Trista's heart as well, causing her to get really mad, by DATING DANA WHILE DATING TRISTA, (stupid a-hole guy... please pardon my... yeah...), Mr. Playa's got some problems, and left some girls with some too. Dani's still friends with him, though I find it dangerous, and I don't like most of her boyfriends because most of them have hurt her in some way. Dana and Trista were left with a grudge between each other, due to their boyfriend's cheating issues... among various other things. (Oh yeah. Long story. I'll maybe get to it eventually. Trista just couldn't get talked out of dating this guy... attracted to 'dangerous' guys. xPPPP)
I've decided, like my dearest friend Leanne/Kris, to arrange my blog so that I post at least once a week. Sorry for those who'd rather hear from me more, but I need to give myself something that's structured right now (like homework, xP; though I like blogging....) so that I will have a goal that I can commit to doing. And with school and all started, I've got homework, and all of that, and I'm in procrastinator mode (though it hasn't been so bad so far... which is quite an improvement...)
Sorry guys. D: Now that I have that set up, I'll probably end up posting more... *hugglesreaders* Love you guys.
God Bless you! Gawsh, I need to get on here more...
Anyway...
Life.
I had a great conversation with my parents last night. It was pretty cool. I'm glad I did. I asked my dad/told parents about the 'people problems', witnessing vs. debate, how to tell people about Jesus and live like him toward people... and he told me that the Gospel of John would be a good book to study/read. He told me to read it just like a book, and if I had questions, write them down, you know, really kinda ponder stuff. And I plan on doing that. The point of reading it, is to read about how Jesus interacted with people, the things that He did, His compassion, His love, His everything. John was like a very close friend to Jesus, so that was the perspective that the book was written from. And I think that's a great idea for me to read...
School...
Has finally gotten a little more interesting. I'm gonna start the anti-bullying thing maybe next week, or at least assist with it, now that the system's got it. xP Oh well. Mrs. Waver and the elementary guidance counselor now, can help out with more anti-bullying things. (Last year's school cutting pplz thing got rid of the Elementary principal, causing the Middle School principal, Mr. Novelton to become the K-8 principal.) The school got revamped. Sort of. Actually, they're still constructing various things... the one gym (which really isn't a 'gym gym'... just one of those things with chairs/bleachers and stuff... but it also functions as our stage, so it has chairs attached to these big cement steps and all dat. The new chairs are nice though. The others were like, fifty years old. O.O)
Okay, enough schoolgettingstuffdoneduetothetownvotingfortheschoolgettingmoney,ANDNOTGETTINGANEWHIGHSCHOOL* rant.
Soo... yeah. A girl named Dana, who hung out with me, Macy, Sam from my school and church, at the Burger Bash, on Wednesday, a party-ish thing with music, burgers, other food, and lotsa hangin' out, before See You at the Pole, September 25th, I believe, which may be international, where Christians at schools gather at their flagpole and have fellowship right before school. So it was kind of the pre-party thing. See You After The Pole, the after-party-thing, which is a really cool awesomeness party, where all the kids who went to See You at the Pole in Rochester/schools in that general area, come to in the evening, to hang out and have more fellowship, talk about how it went at their school, have more worship (but with most likely a WAY louder band, which is pretty awesome; our church always has great music anyway. The students get lots of modern Christian rock/other stuff, like Relient K, TobyMac, Family Force Five, etc.... the worship during church service is always pretty awesome too. Our own band thing, sometimes the adult choir, the kid's choir, all that good stuff... yeah. I might go into more detail later, lulz... Don't get me wrong, I really do love going to church to learn about Christ and everything. It's just the people at my church often have good taste in music. And I realize that worship isn't about the sound, it's about worshipping God.)
Great stuff. See You At The Pole seems more powerful at the city school's though... but that's okay. We're not there for us, it's there to show our love for Jesus.
Well... back on topic...
So, anyway, being in the presence of Dana, actually talking to her, and having to drive her home with my mom (well, my mom was doing the driving, since we both live in town and all that, but... you get what I mean...) really inspired me to get moving with that whole 'anti-bullying' class thing. I asked HER about it, and she'd like to get involved also. She's threatened to change schools several time because of this school... supposedly, she's going to a new one next year... *sigh*
But, I'm gonna go for it. And try to fix up what's right for the school, and what's not, along with Mrs. Waver, and the elementary guidance counselor too, if she gets involved also. Bullying is an important issue in our school.
A lovely statistic:
(I think it was about this...)
2/3 school shootings start with bullying at some point. ('Kay, I've most likely talked about this already, but I have to talk about it again; it's really driving and solemn for me.)
I remember the bullied one trying to prove himself out to the others, because they brutally verbally bashed him everyday.
It was a pencil, but stabbing nonetheless, that he did to one of the people who bullied him the most. I was at an all-day choir thing during that day, when it happened at lunch... the boy wasn't horribly injured, in fact, he came to school after a couple days, just fine, practically. Showing people his wound. o.e
But still...
The kid left. He'd moved there that ONE year. Not even one year... all the other new guy students were fine with us kids, but he just got hated on and hated on. People claimed to have tried to be friends with him. He pushed them away. But no one cared to try again. They just rejected him. He was different. He had really thick glasses. Some other issues, health issues, maybe other issues, didn't dress like everyone else.
And yet a lot of them rejected him and verbally abused him. (Because bullying IS abuse!)
It's scary and sat that these things happened...
I don't ever wanna see it happen again, at least at this school. Mrs. Waver told me about a school that had a new program about bullying and things like that, up north, where there had been a shooting/suicide (I think...) and how it was working well...
*sigh*
That was much more intense, and apparently, much more tragic things happened. But our school has had a history of relational agression and rejection of people who are different. That's not nearly as bad as what a school shooting/what leads up to one could be, but it's always possible in places...
I'd been wanting to do this even BEFORE that kid was driven to the edge/couldn't/wasn't reached.
Lots of bullying problems here. Small school, small town. Bullying and drugs is all we got for issues, and that's never good.
Every place has problems. The town may look quaint on the outside... but you gotta live here, you have to look in to understand the people.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I know ya'll pro'lly wanna hear abou the wedding, but... (vent/rantpost.o.e confuzzlingpost)
For starters, the wedding was great. There was an after party for the after party of the after party. All three parties and the wedding were cool. And my cousins pwn you.
Anyway, now to my dumb stupid emotions no one really wants to hear about... okay, maybe I'm wrong...
*hugs* I love you guys. *sigh*
School started today. I missed most of the day, due to my flight coming in.
But everyone seemed pretty nice. And it seems like I didn't screw up my friendship with Jared as much as I thought I had...
Okay, and NOW, to stop avoiding talking.
(Hm, I wonder where my guidance counselor's office is now... the school's office is all like, rearranged... o.e )
Okay.
Combination of sixth grade... and... well, you know what, no. It's all outside school. Everyone's got problems already.
-----------------
I was interrupted. By my parents. Talking about a lovely new routine. *sigh* Why couldn't I just let myself be inspired by them and their academic excellence, even though their families were... erm... (put nicely), different than my own.
*sigh*
In so many ways, I'm selfish and self-centered, and vain, and cold. And I create my own problems. And maybe, somewhere deep in the caverns of my weird, screwed-up mind, I just wanna study psychology/psychiatry(yes, psychiatrymaybenow) so I can say I have a mental disorder, get pills, and feel fixed. Actually, that wouldn't even work. If that's what I really think. Which I'm sure I don't... but some part of me... might? Now I'm confusing myself! Maybe I'll just drive myself insane... xPP
Anyway, I'm also either mellowdramatic/sacrificial/right? . I don't know. You know how in the Bible, one of the apostles (I don't remember which... ) speaks about how blessing and cursing come from the tongue. How a stream that produces freshwater cannot produce saltwater, or something similar to that.
I have that. A lot. And it shouldn't be.
It's not just my mouth. It's my mind. I confuse myself sometimes. I try to figure myself out, when a part of me knows the truth, while the others try to think of other things.
I have horrible self-esteem. Some people might not know that.
I hate my body a lot sometimes. I just think I'm ugly sometimes. And it's wrong. God made me. He made everything about me. I should pray more. I should lean on God more. But so many times I get so dang close to falling into that pit of temptation. And it's always within myself. No one else's fault.
No one's ever told me I'm worthless, no one's ever told me I'm fat, or ugly, or stupid, or that I was a bad person. Everyone even says I---
-------------------
Gah. Interrupted. More. So, I started this entry yesterday, and didn't finish it, and I don't feel like it.
But, I did feel like posting it. I'm praying for everyone else right now and their beginning-of-school-issues. My issues are dead today. I feel fine.
Meh. So bipolar I am.
Sooooooooo...
Nothing epical happened for me today at school. I finished my homework during school. The schedule's weird, but that's okay.
Hot N Cold by Katy Perry is addicting. o.e Gawsh, I hated her first single... but she's so contagious! D:< GAH!
Anyway... yeah. *sigh* Love you guys. God Bless. :) Sorry for this confusing entry. I just really wanted to update for you all... even though you probably didn't want to hear me angst on here...
Anyway, now to my dumb stupid emotions no one really wants to hear about... okay, maybe I'm wrong...
*hugs* I love you guys. *sigh*
School started today. I missed most of the day, due to my flight coming in.
But everyone seemed pretty nice. And it seems like I didn't screw up my friendship with Jared as much as I thought I had...
Okay, and NOW, to stop avoiding talking.
(Hm, I wonder where my guidance counselor's office is now... the school's office is all like, rearranged... o.e )
Okay.
Combination of sixth grade... and... well, you know what, no. It's all outside school. Everyone's got problems already.
-----------------
I was interrupted. By my parents. Talking about a lovely new routine. *sigh* Why couldn't I just let myself be inspired by them and their academic excellence, even though their families were... erm... (put nicely), different than my own.
*sigh*
In so many ways, I'm selfish and self-centered, and vain, and cold. And I create my own problems. And maybe, somewhere deep in the caverns of my weird, screwed-up mind, I just wanna study psychology/psychiatry(yes, psychiatrymaybenow) so I can say I have a mental disorder, get pills, and feel fixed. Actually, that wouldn't even work. If that's what I really think. Which I'm sure I don't... but some part of me... might? Now I'm confusing myself! Maybe I'll just drive myself insane... xPP
Anyway, I'm also either mellowdramatic/sacrificial/right? . I don't know. You know how in the Bible, one of the apostles (I don't remember which... ) speaks about how blessing and cursing come from the tongue. How a stream that produces freshwater cannot produce saltwater, or something similar to that.
I have that. A lot. And it shouldn't be.
It's not just my mouth. It's my mind. I confuse myself sometimes. I try to figure myself out, when a part of me knows the truth, while the others try to think of other things.
I have horrible self-esteem. Some people might not know that.
I hate my body a lot sometimes. I just think I'm ugly sometimes. And it's wrong. God made me. He made everything about me. I should pray more. I should lean on God more. But so many times I get so dang close to falling into that pit of temptation. And it's always within myself. No one else's fault.
No one's ever told me I'm worthless, no one's ever told me I'm fat, or ugly, or stupid, or that I was a bad person. Everyone even says I---
-------------------
Gah. Interrupted. More. So, I started this entry yesterday, and didn't finish it, and I don't feel like it.
But, I did feel like posting it. I'm praying for everyone else right now and their beginning-of-school-issues. My issues are dead today. I feel fine.
Meh. So bipolar I am.
Sooooooooo...
Nothing epical happened for me today at school. I finished my homework during school. The schedule's weird, but that's okay.
Hot N Cold by Katy Perry is addicting. o.e Gawsh, I hated her first single... but she's so contagious! D:< GAH!
Anyway... yeah. *sigh* Love you guys. God Bless. :) Sorry for this confusing entry. I just really wanted to update for you all... even though you probably didn't want to hear me angst on here...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Guilt? Oh yeah... here it is...(written while chatting with Jared online)
Well, you should all be thankful I'm not listening to Blue October. That would have some negative affects here...
Contemporary Christian (of all sorts; rock, that typical pop-ish stuff, or poppy worship songs.... ) really does do wonders. If I would pay attention to the lyrics.
I don't think I'm doing what God would want me to right now... am I guilting Jared, or... just making him angrier? Probably one... or both... or the other. I'm just... I was being honest. I do regret this. I regret it so much. I regret my cheesy email, I regret telling him that I was beating myself about this... but am I really? Or am I just one of those 'effing lies' in his stat message?
I don't even know anymore.
I had stupid reasons, stupid, stupid, stupid freaking reasons that just... *sigh*
Maybe he's calming down now... I hope so. At least a little bit. I can tell that he doesn't hate me... he's just... angry...
And now he's calmer. Thank goodness...
But... I'm still guilty, but, shamefully, I admit, I'm relieved. That he's calmed down. Even if I sort of deserved this... no, I did deserve it. Or... oh, whatever.
*sigh*
I really hope things get better... if not this summer, at least some time. I'll pray for him... and everyone else, still.
Contemporary Christian (of all sorts; rock, that typical pop-ish stuff, or poppy worship songs.... ) really does do wonders. If I would pay attention to the lyrics.
I don't think I'm doing what God would want me to right now... am I guilting Jared, or... just making him angrier? Probably one... or both... or the other. I'm just... I was being honest. I do regret this. I regret it so much. I regret my cheesy email, I regret telling him that I was beating myself about this... but am I really? Or am I just one of those 'effing lies' in his stat message?
I don't even know anymore.
I had stupid reasons, stupid, stupid, stupid freaking reasons that just... *sigh*
Maybe he's calming down now... I hope so. At least a little bit. I can tell that he doesn't hate me... he's just... angry...
And now he's calmer. Thank goodness...
But... I'm still guilty, but, shamefully, I admit, I'm relieved. That he's calmed down. Even if I sort of deserved this... no, I did deserve it. Or... oh, whatever.
*sigh*
I really hope things get better... if not this summer, at least some time. I'll pray for him... and everyone else, still.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Another 'chapter' in the blog; PG-13, some private information revealed; read with caution. EXTREME CAUTION.
Kim never thought that this day would come.
She felt hated, all over again... like she was getting called a freak, or annoying or avoided just because of her weird behavior... just like in fifth grade. The weird kid obsessed with the weird shows no one liked and an annoying, obsessive crush on the kid in her grade. His name had also ironically been David. But the thing was, she was so obsessed with him, like in the manner that she managed to call herself obsessive compulsive.
Fifth grade basically crushed all her confidence.
Sixth grade seemed pretty miserable, ridiculously angsty, and morally unstable. (fortunately, no actual actions were done due to those... yeah... )
And now she felt like all that stuff was just falling back out at her.
Jared... she felt like he hated her. Him... out of all people...
She felt like one of the characters she wrote in roleplays, except without an actual cause for their honest-to-goodness almost PTSD... she was just feeling all of this all over again.
What to call it? Verbal abuse, anger issues... maybe just the fact that he had something else going on that made him all mad... Well, she couldn't really call it abuse or anything. They weren't dating, and he wasn't a bully. It didn't count. He HAD however been a little bit verbally abusive to his ex, Angela... but it was all Kim's fault. She had gotten in between them. She should have distanced herself, rather than let Jared make himself look like he was practically cheating on her. Angela said that Kim was all he talked about... and when she got angry or tried to say something, he'd just call her names (and behind her back also... most of the names started with a b and ended in itch... )
Kim knew better than to think that he was like this on his own. '...dad treats his mom like s***'... gave her a hint. She wanted to do whatever she could to get him out...
Reading 'Breathing Underwater' by Alex Flinn gave her a lot of insight... but books don't tell anything. And... maybe she did feel a little bullied. She never wanted to admit if he'd ever made her feel hurt before. Because he honestly didn't. But now....
Ugh, she was so overreactive.
There's none of that involved in what was going on right now... all that was going on right now... was simply another friendship breaking. Just tearing apart... so easily... even after all the 'I love you's' and the 'I'll wait for you's' and all the stuff she'd done to hurt him... she'd been so cold... she hated herself for it right now.
Hm. Sounded cliche. Maybe... no, no, overreaction... or was it denial?
Grrr, stupid fake MPD (Dr. Bob and Patient Kim... )
She wasn't pretending something bad wasn't... actually, yeah she was, but only from her parents... she knew her dad didn't approve of Jared enough, only because of a misunderstanding from last summer, but... yeah.
She began to rethink him. She knew that her Bible told her angry people are better to be avoided from... but it was lineage, she was sure it was...
She wanted to stop him from being that way...
But if he kept lashing out at her, or other people, what could she do? She wasn't a victim. She was just there... it was only on the internet that he said most things... angry and unhappy, depressed or... in love? Only in an IM or an email... but that was it...
And now...
It changed so easily. Something had to be up...
She felt arrogant for thinking this way. He liked her, and she didn't wanna believe that he'd stopped. She'd been using him as a backup...
No, she hadn't... she genuinely cared...
Ugh... such stupid argumentive thoughts. She wished she could just be confident again. And that she wasn't on her way to being overweight, or being hated by the best guy friend she'd ever had... how come they had ended up this way?
She knew she might even cry tommorrow if she had to reprint that poem for her English 4th quarter writing submission. Right at the last minute, she'd decided to use it instead of one of her excercises... she decided to use the poem she'd written the night Jared had told her of what had been going on and finally expressed how he felt... in an... expressive manner that had minimal and/or realistic swearing...
She had to pray about this. Maybe she did need to stay away from him... no matter how much she didn't want to...
She felt hated, all over again... like she was getting called a freak, or annoying or avoided just because of her weird behavior... just like in fifth grade. The weird kid obsessed with the weird shows no one liked and an annoying, obsessive crush on the kid in her grade. His name had also ironically been David. But the thing was, she was so obsessed with him, like in the manner that she managed to call herself obsessive compulsive.
Fifth grade basically crushed all her confidence.
Sixth grade seemed pretty miserable, ridiculously angsty, and morally unstable. (fortunately, no actual actions were done due to those... yeah... )
And now she felt like all that stuff was just falling back out at her.
Jared... she felt like he hated her. Him... out of all people...
She felt like one of the characters she wrote in roleplays, except without an actual cause for their honest-to-goodness almost PTSD... she was just feeling all of this all over again.
What to call it? Verbal abuse, anger issues... maybe just the fact that he had something else going on that made him all mad... Well, she couldn't really call it abuse or anything. They weren't dating, and he wasn't a bully. It didn't count. He HAD however been a little bit verbally abusive to his ex, Angela... but it was all Kim's fault. She had gotten in between them. She should have distanced herself, rather than let Jared make himself look like he was practically cheating on her. Angela said that Kim was all he talked about... and when she got angry or tried to say something, he'd just call her names (and behind her back also... most of the names started with a b and ended in itch... )
Kim knew better than to think that he was like this on his own. '...dad treats his mom like s***'... gave her a hint. She wanted to do whatever she could to get him out...
Reading 'Breathing Underwater' by Alex Flinn gave her a lot of insight... but books don't tell anything. And... maybe she did feel a little bullied. She never wanted to admit if he'd ever made her feel hurt before. Because he honestly didn't. But now....
Ugh, she was so overreactive.
There's none of that involved in what was going on right now... all that was going on right now... was simply another friendship breaking. Just tearing apart... so easily... even after all the 'I love you's' and the 'I'll wait for you's' and all the stuff she'd done to hurt him... she'd been so cold... she hated herself for it right now.
Hm. Sounded cliche. Maybe... no, no, overreaction... or was it denial?
Grrr, stupid fake MPD (Dr. Bob and Patient Kim... )
She wasn't pretending something bad wasn't... actually, yeah she was, but only from her parents... she knew her dad didn't approve of Jared enough, only because of a misunderstanding from last summer, but... yeah.
She began to rethink him. She knew that her Bible told her angry people are better to be avoided from... but it was lineage, she was sure it was...
She wanted to stop him from being that way...
But if he kept lashing out at her, or other people, what could she do? She wasn't a victim. She was just there... it was only on the internet that he said most things... angry and unhappy, depressed or... in love? Only in an IM or an email... but that was it...
And now...
It changed so easily. Something had to be up...
She felt arrogant for thinking this way. He liked her, and she didn't wanna believe that he'd stopped. She'd been using him as a backup...
No, she hadn't... she genuinely cared...
Ugh... such stupid argumentive thoughts. She wished she could just be confident again. And that she wasn't on her way to being overweight, or being hated by the best guy friend she'd ever had... how come they had ended up this way?
She knew she might even cry tommorrow if she had to reprint that poem for her English 4th quarter writing submission. Right at the last minute, she'd decided to use it instead of one of her excercises... she decided to use the poem she'd written the night Jared had told her of what had been going on and finally expressed how he felt... in an... expressive manner that had minimal and/or realistic swearing...
She had to pray about this. Maybe she did need to stay away from him... no matter how much she didn't want to...
Monday, May 19, 2008
I feel really dumb right now. (depressing rant.)
I live by cliches. I write them. I've experienced them. I have the magical ability to put together the author's clues and background experience to make a good conclusion/inference/prediction. But I missed this. When any place medical CALLS BACK after a test is done on a patient, it means something is WRONG.
Why did I miss this? Even though I picked up?
"We're calling about your dad's x-rays..."
Yeah. I mean, I totally thought it was normal and okay. I was being all airheaded again. It could be the fact that I'm writing about romances breaking, and listening to Cinderella, and being a pessimist right now, but I have this feeling. That is often wrong. But... I always end up feeling like giving into it. Thinking negatively is terrible... and I do it when I think something could easily be really bad... But I've gotta give this up to God. I just... I need to bring my family closer to him right now. My parents are having issues. Again. xPPP You know, I always say that whole 'perfect family' crap, because I know compared to all the other people I know, we have it so darn good. (I resist swearing... I said it in my head, okay? Lord forgive me... ) And yet I'm complaining like a freakin' stupid angsty teenager! Which I should be. But I'm not. I don't wanna be one. Even though it's so flippin' easy.
*breathes* Ahhh, after a little bit of faking happiness, I'm good again. *sigh*
I love God... I... I know we'll have trials and everything. And I can't try to figure out his thoughts and what he wants to do with my life. Or my parents, or my brother, or my friends. I can't force anyone to follow him. And I can't be perfect... and not everyone in the world is going to like me... and I can't fix everyone... and I can't...
See, negativity.
I'm almost crying here, people.
*sigh*
I can, however, Follow God. I think this is one of those 'Hannah' (mother of Samuel from the Old Testament) moments that our Sunday School teacher was talking about. She's right... I mean, right now, I just need to get on my knees and pray. Give it all up to God...
Why did I miss this? Even though I picked up?
"We're calling about your dad's x-rays..."
Yeah. I mean, I totally thought it was normal and okay. I was being all airheaded again. It could be the fact that I'm writing about romances breaking, and listening to Cinderella, and being a pessimist right now, but I have this feeling. That is often wrong. But... I always end up feeling like giving into it. Thinking negatively is terrible... and I do it when I think something could easily be really bad... But I've gotta give this up to God. I just... I need to bring my family closer to him right now. My parents are having issues. Again. xPPP You know, I always say that whole 'perfect family' crap, because I know compared to all the other people I know, we have it so darn good. (I resist swearing... I said it in my head, okay? Lord forgive me... ) And yet I'm complaining like a freakin' stupid angsty teenager! Which I should be. But I'm not. I don't wanna be one. Even though it's so flippin' easy.
*breathes* Ahhh, after a little bit of faking happiness, I'm good again. *sigh*
I love God... I... I know we'll have trials and everything. And I can't try to figure out his thoughts and what he wants to do with my life. Or my parents, or my brother, or my friends. I can't force anyone to follow him. And I can't be perfect... and not everyone in the world is going to like me... and I can't fix everyone... and I can't...
See, negativity.
I'm almost crying here, people.
*sigh*
I can, however, Follow God. I think this is one of those 'Hannah' (mother of Samuel from the Old Testament) moments that our Sunday School teacher was talking about. She's right... I mean, right now, I just need to get on my knees and pray. Give it all up to God...
Saturday, May 17, 2008
A blog late at night (Online witnessing, guilt-outbursts; sort of a vent, sort of not)
Well, I was talking to some of my online friends. I feel horrible for most of them. You know, Ella's right. I guess... I constantly end up with people who are troubled. I know I can do something about this... I know I have constant chances to witness to people, especially online. It's such a negative place, and it's so easy to get sucked into something destructive or wrong on the internet, and yet, God's still here and watching. And many people online need to hear His message! And it's even harder almost to witness to people here... no, actually, there's no excuse for me not to. I mean, God's love is so important. And I'm so afraid to tell people about it?! How could I do that?! I need to pray... I'm one of those people who doesn't always stop and 'Be still and know that I am God". When I talk to people about my 'issues', mainly the ones involving trying to bring people to Christ, or putting them in the right direction, you know, I always get reminded of that verse. I need to remember it... all the time... but I don't. And I'm very contradicting sometimes, online and otherwise. Some people wouldn't even know I was a Christian if I didn't tell them. And I'm ashamed to admit, but perhaps even more so than not, people don't realize that. But I do let God in... it's just, online, I'm... I guess I'm more contradicting here than in real life. It's just SO EASY to get carried away. I'm so into the jokes, and everything, all that bad humor, like crude stuff, you know? It's not so bad to most people, but I know better. I know better... *sigh* I thank God for his mercy and his love and for him all the time. Lord, please let me honor you... please forgive me.. amen.
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