The problem of procrastination.

Today, I came home from school, and affirmed by the text of my friend not being home, I decided to take a nap.

In my bedroom, which is an awful location for a "quick nap". I ended up sleeping until sometime past five o'clock, thus destroying any chance of being productive, no matter what my plans were earlier that evening. The sleep was nice, but it was excessive.

After this, I ate dinner with my family, also nice. It also took an extended amount of time. I proceeded to take a shower. I had my clothes, put them on, turned on my laptop, and set all my bags of academic items around me.

As if simply having my backpack and college textbook bag next to me would motivate me. Instead, I told myself I would go check out that Relevant magazine article I'd been meaning to read...

Successfully killing another hour or so, with "30 Rock" going on in the background. Then Terra Nova in the background, though I wasn't paying attention; I was waiting for House.

After reading a few articles on Relevant, I went on Facebook. And proceeded to make a new status and make comments about wasting time, joking with my friend about how I waste more time than him. I called him to tell him how I was wasting more time than him.

We continued to correspond via Facebook, and I continued to jest with other friends on that Facebook status about Chronic Procrastination Syndrome.

I wonder if that could actually be classified as something. I have a problem. A very big problem.

Here are the things I need to do this week:
-Read chapters of psychology and sociology textbooks
-Read speech textbook pages and fill out questions
-Prepare for extemporaneous speech
-Prepare for PSAT/NMSQT (Wednesday)
-Get caught up for Psych/Soc due to absence on Wednesday
-Take psychology test
-Fill out discussion board posts for Psychology
-Write 300-350 word piece for Zumbro Education District writing contest by Friday
-Find application for next semester at college
-Figure out schedule for next semester
-Start on next psychology letter
-Start on psychology paper (although due in December; it'll come quick)
-Finish "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", in order to move onto another book
-Return some other books
-Read books from church library
-Do Sunday School homework BEFORE CLASS/before Saturday night
-Probably clean or something.
-Not spend all money before Thursday

That doesn't seem too hard for a WEEK... and yet...

.-. 

Does it ever end, guys? Procrastination. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to stop this cycle? Other than... well... I guess I should start with actually doing things on time. Maybe a highly scheduled routine. I can't relax when I think of all these things I have to do, but I still do it. My schoolyear thus far has been significantly easier than last year, and that should not be.

Perhaps I should stop defining myself as a procrastinator.

But I sure look like I know what I'm doing to some people... I respond a lot in my classes (usually have my hand up and give responses), kind of show off, maybe... which is annoying... and I shouldn't do it... and somewhat interesting in English class considering we just went over a piece of Ben Franklin's Autobiography and he had some interesting things to say about people who present themselves as/are perfect. I'm far from it. I think I might be arrogant, especially since my parents tell me this every now and again, especially when it comes to driving. But that's another story.

Regardless, I'm just... very nervous. I know my future's in God's hands, and I know that I shouldn't be lazy ("God helps those who help themselves", thank you, Ben Franklin). But... I don't know. I feel... self-sabotage-y.

I should just shut and do something.

Well, thanks for reading my obnoxious thought process.

Me and males.

Why.

I mean, I'm trying... I'm trying REALLY, REALLY hard not to crush on anyone right now. And I'm maintaining REAL FRIENDSHIPS with guys for the first time... well, probably since I had hormones that went all "woooobooooooooyyys" back in like, fifth grade. Or so.

But guys like me. And they tell me they like me. And I don't want to tell them, "I'm sorry, but I'm trying not to date anyone this academic year! And I'm immature! And I'm probably going to end up liking someone else while dating you! And..."

I'm just a terrible person. T.T' I think... I know... I sound really full of myself right now. And quite mean. I know I hurt someone very badly this year, but we're just finally overcoming it.

And then someone else this summer (again) confessed his feelings for me. Someone I've never told you, the blogosphere, about. I don't really know what to code-name him. And he has a tendency to like me and a couple of my friends at certain times. And (again) I had to reject him.

And now a friend who's been chatting with me more lately on the internet likes me. And I rejected him too. I feel like the worst person ever, except, to be entirely honest... I just feel like I SHOULD feel like I'm the worst person ever.

I look back at my old blogs, and at all my stupidity with guys back then ("Jared" and "Mark" and such) I just... I don't know. I KNOW better now. But these are the nice guys. The really, really sweet ones. Who consider me just nerdy enough to talk to. Who confide in me and tell me about their lives and invite our friends and me to be in their movies, and who visit and buy things and say the nicest compliments...

There is literally nothing wrong with any guy (the exception being Jared) who has ever asked to date me/dated me. But I can't just say... gosh. I can't... I just... gahhhh. I think I'm making myself look like someone who's afraid of commitment. And maybe I am.

But for once, I've honestly kept myself from developing a hardcore crush on anyone for the longest time. I am making friends with people of the opposite gender, beginning to feel like I can confide in them, even. Maybe not to that point YET, but I'm beginning to see the majority of guys that I'm getting closer to, like I've always wanted, simply as human beings. Not people I want to date or kiss or go to dances with or make out in movie theaters with. Just as human beings with social desires like my own, with personal lives and interesting thoughts and who are just overall fun to hang out with and joke around with. Just people. Like girls. And even girls have been questionable to me, quite honestly. Interpret that as you will. Another post would likely be necessary to explain.

Regaardless, I'm just feeling pretty mean and awkward right now. I just wish things could work out like I wanted them to, for once.

How things are going. (The biggest ramble of rantly... almost randomness... ever.)

Well, I'm doing a little bit better than earlier. I can only hope that others are as well. I just want to thank you, one and all who read my blog(s). It's really amazing. Thank you so much.

So my life... I've begun to attempt to start a student-led ministry called Catalyst, based on the Catalyst Coalition, which started up in Blaine, Minnesota ( http://www.catalystcoalition.org/ ). It's a pretty sweet idea, and God's given me some confirmation about it. I told myself this was the year I'd be different. So that's my beginning.

But to be honest, I'm still not sure if I'm being "different" quite yet. I'm still procrastinating. I'm still not kind all the time. I'm still holding others at my high school at arm's length to some extent. I'm still... I don't know. I really just need to put this in God's hands. I feel simultaneously too comfortable and complacent as well as itching for a great and irreversible change to my life. In a positive way, of course.

Strange and random observation: I love being in resturaunts and cafes where people right next to me are on first or second dates and such, and are just beginning to know each other. It's oddly uplifting to me. As well as a little creepy, but I'm a professional eavesdropper... okay, not PROFESSIONAL, however... it's fun. To hear interesting people tell each other interesting things. I do hope that you don't all consider me a creepy person that you would never want at the next table in a cafe... but... um... yeah. And then have me write about you in my blog, as I sit a couple of tables away on my laptop. Dear. I must look very suspicious.

Well, since I'm going all "stream-of-conciousness" on you guys, I suppose I'll continue with my thoughts... procrastination is somewhat consuming my life, and I realize that it's wrong. As well as pride. I know it's a human thing, to want affirmation, to want to be praised, but I often wish for praise that does not belong to me--it belongs to my great Creator. My youth group is doing a series on "being a poser". And while I can't relate entirely to the examples given (trying to fit into a particular group at school, which my sociology book calls "anticipatory socialization", but this term is used more accurately in the context of adapting to certain behaviors in order to fit into a work group), I know where I pose. Sometimes I think I pose as a good person. I pose as a Christian girl who knows what on earth she's doing. And that's really not true, not true in the slightest. This is likely the explanation for why I felt so scared and thrown off when I felt identified as a leader back when people identified me as a leader.

And now I'm stepping up to the role, but I'm taking on pride and it's ugly and it's wrong. It's so hard to truly humble, easy to be insecure. So hard to be confident, but not proud. So much of me still needs to be changed.

In other "news" (not news, it's just my silly little life, which is as short as a vapor of wind... good ol' Ecclesiastes), I've been writing. Almost consistently. I've written two chapters of my story Sunlight. I'm up to five chapters. The other night was a very difficult night, and I intentionally made it worse for myself by watching the TAC Victoria accident videos (Australian traffic program... they are... effective... to say the least; check them out on YouTube if you are interested and send them to your SADD instructors and your driver's ed teachers if they don't have enough good material) and then LISTENING to them to my most serious playlist simultaneously. I cried several times. And in the car from home to youth group yesterday, I felt the narration of Damir within me.

If there's anything that I feel terribly comfortable and uncomfortable (in a good way) about, it is the obsession of a story. Story obsession is the only permissible obsession for me, as it gets me writing. It keeps me going. It's that drive I've been missing for so long, and it feels... it feels SO GOOD. I don't care how depressing my story chapters are, to be honest. One of my favorite quotes is by Mat Kearney, though in context is about the personal and genre-bending nature of his music, goes as follows:

"[When I set out to write,] I want to write something that will rip your heart out [and connect with you]."

I don't want to make people upset, but I want to connect with them. I want them to see something in my writing that they can take from it, something they can think about, some passage will not leave their mind, something, just... something. Something good. Some sort of hope, or some sort of emotion, some sort of thanks. I question whether the hopelessness of a story is truly a positive thing. When I read Living Dead Girl by Elizabeth Scott a while ago, I could not get the story out of my mind, all its futility, the unbelievable horror and grief within it. I could not understand why I read it. It was so effective, and I suppose the realism is its own value. While I recognize that my current story, Sunlight, is entirely different in content, it is still incredibly sad and hard to write.

But I don't permit myself any dishonesty. Whether or not it's happy. Gosh, coming from me... that's quite... abnormal. Wanting a bright spot in a sad story. Hope is... hope is something else. I don't think I can just intentionally through in a big glob of hope in a story like this. It's not entirely realistic. Then again, the kind of circumstances which occur may not be exactly realistic either, but... I'm getting there. Let me know if you have any suggestions.

Well, since I guess I'm going to keep rambling, in reference to that awkward passage about me eavesdropping, it feels pretty cool to be on a laptop in a coffeehouse. Or whatever this is. It's my teensy town, the place is CALLED "Better Brew Coffeehouse" but I've probably only ever been in one other coffeehouse (near Breckenridge, Colorado, and incredibly hipstertastic and full of organic goodness. Good thing I wasn't obsessed with hipsterdom back then.), so I don't really have much to compare it with. CONTRAST, yes, but not compare.

So the hipster place back in Colorado was awesome. And they had delicious mochas. Of course, Better Brew has delicious mochas too. And it is pretty nice--it has those cool eco-friendly cups that can be composted because they're actually made of corn. XD And it has free-trade, locally made coffee and teas. Supposedly there are gluten-free options around here, but I guess you'd have to ask about them. There's a raw sugar dispenser.

The only odd thing about it are the mismatched tables and the couch and chair in the corner, and the random pictures up, and the unfinished painting on the wall. But it's cute. And homey. I think it's really the demographics that get me--in the morning, the tiny parking lot is all filled up with trucks, and a whole bunch of 60+ farmer dudes come in and have some funtiemz conversations. And then more older people (women, men, everyone) come in. And only a few businesslike people pop in and grab a coffee, then leave. A couple of averagely aged people (40's or so) sit down, usually women. Some have laptops. I and the two dudes from my Catalyst group were the only adolescents in the entire place. Now I'm the only adolescent, but a 20's or so woman now sits at the next table on her laptop, presumably studying. Or procrastinating like me.

When I went into the Colorado hipstercoffeeplace, there weren't really any people in there. But it could've just been the time of the morning. It was a small town like mine, but you really can't compare Pine Island to a small town in the mountains in Colorado... they had BLUEGRASS FESTIVALS. With people selling fancing stone-made trinkets from all over the place, many of them based in Native American tradition, as well as just some others around. They actually HAD places to... you know, get fancy pretty stones that were beeeautiful. Pine Island just has corn fields. And a cheese factory. I mean... that's pretty much nothing compared to mountain-town with the naturey, fit people of that town. I don't exactly remember the name of it, but... gosh. I kind of wish I was there now. I bet it's beautiful this time of year. *sigh*

Anyway, my town's pretty nice too. Just not as environmentally friendly and hipster/hippie-stereotypical as that one. You can just drive through my town, though. You kind of have to go up mountains to get to the one in Colorado. That was a good time in my life, the Colorado trip.

I guess I'd better get done with this... I do hope you enjoyed/got something out of reading this. Feel free to comment. Or not. That's fine too. I'm sorry for being... obnoxious.

Jesus and I love you all. :) Have a nice day!

To: God

Dear Lord, I have just no idea how to react when things like this happen. I know that You love us. I know that You are there, You are graceful, You are compassionate. You are Creator. So powerful, yet so relational. I know that. I wonder if I practice that knowledge sometimes. I recognize that I don't always.

But over and over and over, You know I've struggled with this so many times, You and the readers know. Why God, do you let these things happen? These deaths? The universal question. Why do bad things happen to good people? And all those readings of Job...

Maybe I've been reading it wrong, I admit that could be the problem. God, I realize that You... You are so far, so FAR beyond my limited human understanding. So far beyond it. I guess that's it.

Lord, I grieve with them tonight. But this... this I just can't understand. After all he's already lost, after this period of celebration, after seeming so happy and then... you just give him this? God, why? Why, God? With all he has to do right now? With all the caring he has for You and Your people? Your children? Your people's children? How...?

God, I just don't understand. I just don't. I don't want to doubt You or lose You. I'm sure that the one he lost is doing very well in Heaven, very happy, very content. And I'm very glad about this, I can celebrate that. But I canNOT look at it the same way from down here.

He was young. He had kids himself, God! Why are you letting this happen to them too? To this family? That's already been through enough? Is there ever "enough"? I just... no, no one deserves it, and I don't know if You're testing them or something, and I really have absolutely no right to write this. None.

But why, God? I just... I just won't understand, I suppose. I'll grieve with those who grieve, have joy with those having joy. But there's a lot of sorrow here, God. Our lives really are just swept by the wind. There is so much sorrow, God. I know you're weeping with them. But so much sorrow. So much grief. So much loss.

Today.

The video in the link above, and here:



reminded me of what this day is really about. I talked a lot today. About things that mattered, but they were abstract concepts and goals I planned on reaching. But this makes them real. It makes everything real, as it is. Painful and filled with loss, and those words of never forgetting, of praying, for those experiencing loss, become more genuine now. I wish I could have cried, but never have I felt more moved to do something about these lives we live than at this moment now.

Above all, let us not forget to love.

Tomorrow.

"Is it more mature
To reflect
on self
or bigger concepts?
Is it more important
to learn from personal experience
or from the history all around you?
A look in the mirror
or the sound of gunfire from every generation.
What meaning can we extract
from everything
our senses perceive?
The private tragedy,
The public outrage,
a friend's rebellious word,
a world leader's command?
Who are we
what right have we
to judge
or to question?
What right have we not,
to judge
or to question?
Right and wrong
are different.
Depending on where you are.
Black and white,
a muddled gray.
Left is right,
right is left,
up is down,
down is up.
Distracted by aesthetics.
Distracted by the trivial.
Slam our faces in reality,
Escape into fantasy.
Defense mechanism.
What is real
what is not?
no.
direction.
But
there is.
even if that Direction
is often
denied.

Doubt comes easy
with all that's around us,
but there's the beauty
rising from ashes.
The Constant
that keeps us,
from going insane.
when everything else
threatens to topple us
all
to the ground.

How do we grow?
What makes us grow the most?
the fires that burn and make the soil fertile."

-poem from my Stories and Other Writing blog, 5/30/2011

Tomorrow, as many of us are aware, is the tenth anniversary 9/11/01, a day that is forever seared into American history, and the memory of all who were alive on that day. It is one of the many tragedies that occurred, a national tragedy, an internationally known event, something that sparked many more like itself, and it was not only a tragedy to a nation... but to individuals. To families and friends and families and friends who would later lose loved ones in events related to this one.

I can't help but think of loss in general, and how it is all around us, every single day. How every human being either is, or will be, personally effected by the loss of a loved one through death sometime in the future. I can't help but think of all the people I know who have experienced that sort of loss, and of all the strangers who are experiencing it right now. Grief and pain and shock and ache and I can't possibly imagine what they are going through. How it may dull over time, but never go away. Survivor's guilt. Anger. All those stages, the bargaining... how hard it must be to reach "acceptance". I simply cannot imagine it. Right now, reading memorials and tributes to a person I likely never met, considering what an incredible person this person seems to have been, I almost wish I would have known him. Had I seen him before? Probably. I never knew him, though. But I know people who did. He was so young... so full of... life and potential and compassion and wit and intelligence... and yet, no one knew his true thoughts.

And the man who was lost when I was in sixth grade, whose funeral I really shouldn't have been at. Who inspired a poem of mine that many years ago. I think of my other friends who have experienced much worse, for their friends, for their family, their families...

I think of how such loss connects so many people. I can't even begin to fathom the pain that comes from the sort of loss endured by those I know. All I know is guilt. And the shame that comes from my selfishness. I know of my anger and doubt and questions to God over why... why He lets these things happen. I know He cares, I know He loves us, I know He's there, and that He has a bigger, better plan than I could possibly imagine, that will make all work out for good. I shouldn't have trouble knowing this. I think of all these people I pray for, as they endure the things they endure. I think of these great, incredible people, who are experiencing these terrible, terrible things, and I just have to wonder... why. I've gotten the answer so many times, but I keep on asking.

So today, tonight, tomorrow, and every day after that... I should tell you all to take a moment and think. And pray. To never forget, but I don't expect that you will. To forgive, even though it's nearly impossible as a human being on one's own. I suppose I should tell you to dream about peace and make it accomplishable.

Life is so short and so fragile and so hard to know about. People are so layered and complex and they simply aren't as they seem. I should tell you all to advocate for those who are struggling with loss in a certain way, and I will. I should tell you all to be there for others, that we can make this world a better place. I do. I tell you all these things.

I will tell you that Jesus loves us all, and that God made this world, and that He has a bigger plan. And in my heart, I've found this to be true. But I will not tell you that anything is easy. Or that we'll ever find a way to avoid death or pain. I will not tell you not to feel angry or bitter, or grieved, or to dwell on the pain that you have. I'm not telling you, reader, to listen to everything or anything that I have to say, or to do as I do, or to believe as I do, really.

I am reflecting on these events. And I'm finding it hard to come up with answers, or to believe in my whole heart that these answers are true, even though I know in my spirit and soul that they are. My mind and my heart and my human nature find it so hard to believe it.

I will tell you, friends, to reflect on what I've said. To know that there is hope. That God has a bigger plan. That there are great people in this world, and all of them, including ourselves, are going to meet death one day, in some way or another. I pray that we don't give up hope.

Entry with a central point... "Goals for this Year".

I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.

(Now to get started on writing and finishing a story in 2011. I feel as though I am vaguely trolling my own blog. Regardless. This. Will. Happen. I. WILL. Complete. A. Draft. Of. An. Original. Fiction. Story. THIS. YEAR.)

There's just too much inspiration for stories. There's just too much reality around me, too many fears, too many hopes, too many dreams, too much, too much, TOO MUCH, and I just CANNOT let this go on any longer. I HAVE to finish a draft, some draft, ANY draft, of ANY story, and I'm not going to wait until November to try! Dangit, I'm going to have 50,000 done BY November, if it kills me! Which it could. Potentially. Especially with all the things I'm doing this year/semester. Actually, this is the perfect place for me to finally solidify my goals this year. All of them, not just my writing goals. So here goes, for future reference:

-LIVE FOR CHRIST. I am unashamed of my God, of my faith, of the truth it holds in my life. Of His saving grace, and spilled blood for my salvation, and His love. And have I shown this Love recently? Not enough. Not. Enough. This is my first and foremost goal this year, and from this, will all my other goals and hopefully accomplishments, spring. Not only this, but that it will enrich every new friendship I become a part of, and that it will improve and revitalize every social relationship I am currently involved in (family, friends, etc.).

-Deepen my relationships with people. My current friends, my less-contacted friends, my family, groups I'm involved with, people I've never really paid enough attention to. This is something that is also incredibly important.

-Improve relationships with males in particular. In years past, I've had so many shortcomings in being capable of having meaningful friendships with guys in my age group; whether it's been obvious or not, or whether I've been terribly obvious in my expression of this, I usually end up crushing on any guy I get close to. This is something I need to work on, very much. I feel like this could be very damaging to any serious romantic or platonic relationship I have with another male person in the future. I will work at this, so I will save my (potential) future husband from having a potentially dysfunctional relationship, and save him and myself from having the pain that could come from this behavior I've displayed so far in my life.

-Work HARDER. This year, I need to learn self-motivation, self-determination, and self-discipline. I have a lot to do, more than I've ever had to do academically, and I intend to get a job. But with these other dysfunctional and deeply established behaviors of myself so far (the tendency to procrastinate to the very last minute, to allow lots of work to build up and cause myself to be overwhelmed by the work that piles up), I'm going to need to work REALLY hard to reverse these behaviors. And I'm willing to do that. And I WILL do that, not only because I don't really have a choice, but because I know it's something I need to do, and a part of my actions I've wanted to change for a long time.

-Keep dreaming. And make more realistic (and less abstract) goals to reach these dreams and goals.

-KEEP PRAYING. Keep trusting. Keep having faith. Keep loving.

-LISTEN. Listen to people, listen for what's behind what people say.

-Learn. Learn as much as possible, about as much as possible.

-Laugh more. Take some things a lot less seriously, but don't leave empathy and sensitivity behind.

-Exercise. This is on every goal list I make. But this one is going to need some serious expansion, like the goal-reaching goal itself. I need a constructive, specific, list of goals to increase what I need to do. I just have to improve my health, and this is where I'm lacking the most.

-Write every day. More specifically, write parts of particular stories every day. Begin the post-it note stories with Leah and Nathaniel (this being something I will expand upon later, and I promise! that I will do this.). Finish either my stories Sunlight, Interference, Rescue, Broken Ice, or the post-it note story.


So there we have it. These are my goals for this year and next. Love you all.

With three billion other more significant things to write about...

In the middle of all my recently selfish thoughts, and my incredibly annoying constant self-analysis and potential self-doubt, especially when expressed aloud, is this one positive focus.

This future I have, and these things I want to do, and what I know I'm being called too. I've realized, with all that annoying self-analysis, that I am incredibly idealistic, potentially optimistic, but still have an amazing ability to see all the things that could and do go wrong. However insignificant (with the upcoming beginning of grade 11 in High School, obtaining my driver's license potentially soon, and bigger issues that have been on my mind, such as Hurricane Irene, modern-day slavery, issues of faith and showing it to those around me through love and action, disability rights and people's ignorance, social models of this and mental illness, psychology, sociology, the economy, veganism, animal treatment, abortion, differences between the UK and the U.S., family, politics, other social issues, the state of local news and how stories are presented, etc....), this one seems to be the one that keeps recurring. Writing. Stories. Getting something accomplished.

And so far, it hasn't happened. But it might. No, it will. I've made it a habit to say I WILL, so that I have made a commitment. I have many things to pray about, many people, many issues, so much grace to be grateful for, so much to be happy about, so much to thank God for, and I do that. And when I think about it, I actually am really busy right now in life. I would be falling apart without God. I'm so grateful for all that is going on in my life right now. And change would usually freak me out a lot, especially an increase in activity like I've had lately with the beginning of my part-time enrollment in college courses at an actual college. And I know I have a lot more to figure out, even within the next week. Within the next day. However, there... there's a lot to be grateful for. I kind of lost my central point in this entry, but I guess that's what this entry is about now. I'm really thankful for all that's gone on in my life lately. I'm going to change my selfish nature, though. That I am determined to do.

God loves you all, and I do too. I hope this entry isn't as disappointing as I think it is.

Things I've dealt with. (My testimony)

Recently, I've had a conversation with a very good friend of mine who is dealing with some really serious things. I'd like to publish my thoughts on this right here, in this blog. Thank you all who read this.

For my youth group's mission trip, each person on the team (fifteen total--12 students, three adults) needed to write out their testimony of God's faithfulness in life. If not written out entirely, at least outlined. If not outlined, we should have had at least a slightly remote idea of what we might say. And if not that, we'd pray that the Holy Spirit would lead our words. The latter we would do anyway, but it was written that we should have had at LEAST SOMETHING to share. I had written something--a page-long ESSAY, essentially, on my entire life, including info about my parents before I was even conceived. While it was a great testimony and story, it just wasn't enough, at least in my opinion. It was rambly. And everybody else simply had outlines, it seemed.

And while everybody but me and one other girl took the opportunity to share their testimony in front of the small congregations that we visited almost DAILY, I did get the chance to share. With an even smaller congregation. A very small group of children, that we were working with for a church's Kid's Club on Monday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's. I shared about how I didn't always understand God, but He was always faithful to my family. He always provided for my family. And how He was still there and strengthening my friends who were Christian, but who did not come from Christian families. Now I have no idea if my story had an impact on those kids, but I pray that they made that decision to follow Christ, or that they do, at some point.

But the important thing was that I shared. I told someone my story, one of my small stories, about how God was faithful to my family, my friends, and myself. The story I told was short and not detailed, as we were in a circle with four other student leaders plus a student translator, and probably not over six little girls, and one's toddler brother, and we were all supposed to share.

I realized, maybe not exactly THERE, but at least on the mission trip, that my story mattered. That I HAD a story to share. That God DID have a plan for me. And He DOES have a plan for me. I learned that He uses my past, which I thought was average and insignificant and unrelatable to help others see Him. That if I pointed my story up to Him, and used it for His glory, well... it would bring Him glory. I really, genuinel mattered.

What's more, is that God is the One who mattered most.

And now I have a story to share. This is the testimony I feel like I'd go around sharing if I was asked to share more often. This is the testimony I'd tell you if I felt God leading me to tell you it. This is my story, and the story of God's faithfulness in my life (note that this is a lengthy written version; out loud, it would probably be shorter and much better told):

I suppose I'll begin with "conversion". I was about five, probably, the first time I decided to accept Jesus Christ into my life. I probably raised my hand in church, and prayed the prayer. The sad truth is, I don't really remember the first time I did this. I do remember one of these times, though, the one I considered "official", for a long time. I was eight years old. I raised my hand in Vacation Bible School, on that lovely altar call day I've learned to help with when I have led small groups for VBS myself. Several others and I were taken into a seperate classroom, prayed for, and given children's tracts. My parents were told. They were so happy and so proud of me.

I was raised in a Christian home. My parents are both Christians, and each have their own amazing story of God's faithfulness. We still attend the same church that I was "converted" in. But as many stories like this go, I really didn't understand God or my faith, or what I was supposed to do with this, until around early middle school. And at this same time, I began to struggle with things. I started to see not only God's presence, but the presence of evil and the presence of suffering. I began to see all the darkness around me, and I started to let it consume me. I started not only seeing the pain of others, but began to realize flaws about myself. Like how selfish I was. How fat I was. How strange and abnormal I was. I started to withdraw. I had good, close friends, people God put in my life for Him to work through, however, I was still struggling. I struggled with how I saw myself. I struggled with how I was unable to help my friends as much as I wanted to. I struggled with how the only decisions I could make, were my own. And I struggled with how I thought that I was a terrible, selfish, guilty person, who deserved to be punished. I saw my every mistake, no matter how small, as something huge and terrible.

And I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to hurt myself. And I wanted to make myself more acceptable, at the same time. I never did these things physically, but I thought about them all the time. On some occasions, I thought that I would never be accepted, or be acceptable, and that the world would be better without me, and that my wrongdoings, my sins that I couldn't accept grace for, made me worthless. Made me worthy of death. And like I mentioned, I never came up with a plan. I found a Bible verse in a children's daily Bible, about how helping others stored up treasures in Heaven. At the time, I really didn't care about the treasures. All I knew was that God had a plan for me, still here, still on Earth. That His plan was for me to help others. I took this as a call.

Things didn't get easier from there. All throughout middle school, and even in high school, I dealt with fluctuating self-esteem, and not forgiving myself. Not accepting God's forgiveness and grace. I dealt with feeling overwhelmed by the sin and the pain of this world, and of myself. Of allowing myself to fall behind. Of wondering what my purpose is in life. Doubting God and His abilities. Fearing the judgement of others.

But now, now I know something I didn't know then--God will work everything out. For His glory. For good. He wants GOOD for me. He will use me for the incredible things in His plan. He is already using me. He has already USED me! God is amazing! He has given me this incredible life, and at least two incredible spiritual gifts, and He loves me so much, and would never want harm for me. He only wants to bring me closer to Him.

So now I live for Him, one moment at a time. He is my rock and my salvation. And He loves you too, and has an incredible plan for you.

Things I'm going to do with this blog now.

I've decided that I will now be updating regularly on this blog. However short my entries may be. And one way I will be making myself do this is to begin a series of blog entries expressing my viewpoint on rather important issues as I'm led to write about, through experiences or observation I make during a week. This past week I might write about:

-Bullying

-Depression

-God (this would take a while. xD <3) -Low Expectations of young adults (based on a short passage of Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris which I read in the past week)

-American culture's view of love (based on the media and what real love is--and not like the craptastic blog entry I wrote about "love" a long, long time ago)

-Movies that mean something

I would also like to begin writing down my mental/conversational critique of films and books and shows that I view/read, to see if they are helpful at all. I'd probably do this from a Christian perspective, but not always a totally conservative one. So it could be interesting. Or not. We'll see, I suppose. Thank you all who support my endeavors.

But I'd also like to publish more important stuff. Anyways, let's all hope and pray this gets through!

-Alison

God bless! Love you all!