Another apologetic title about not posting enough. (NOT NECESSARY FOR READNG Ranty and venty and angsty and blechhhh.)

I'm really sorry I've been neglectful again. I am so grateful that so many of you still read this, and it's really awesome that you do. I'm sorry that I don't have something better to write after all this time. Anyway, thank you guys so much.

Happy (late) American Independence Day! And reaaaaally late Canada Day! And all the other "days" between the first and the fourth...

And here's for the vent:

It's sort of ridiculous for me to feel bad about myself and this dead end I've mentally and emotionally driven me into. I mean, there are absolutely horrible and despicable things going on in the world right now. And I could be praying for people who need help a lot more than I do.

I waste soooo much time. This summer, I may have helped some people during Carefest, during other events related to Carefest, had some nice conversations with friends online, a few offline. But... I've just been overall unproductive. I haven't even been WRITING consistently. I've been spending all this money I keep getting for no reason. I mean, we're in freaking debt, and I know I should be more frugal and actually care more. I've been barely spending any quality time with my family.

And I've realized that I don't allow myself to really feel anymore. I keep myself protected from emotional pain by a shield and lens called fiction. I mentally translate anything horrible in real life, my life, my friends' lives, and other people's lives into some story. Sure, it might feel creative, it might inspire me to do something, but all I write are mopey, cruddy stories about people with suckish lives who get romance and lose it. I'm just a mopey person on the inside. And I can't seperate myself from fiction.

I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine about fiction and fantasy and realistic fiction. That real life is boring, books aren't original, how Anne Rice is good, how the crud I read is just plain unrealistic in spite of its depressingness, etc. I was beginning to agree with her. Then I watched about three minutes (give or take) of Dr. Phil about this teenage girl who was TRYING TO CUT FAT OFF OF HER LEG WITH A RAZOR to PLEASE HER BOYFRIEND.

And I realized nobody really wants to take reality in it's purest, truest form. Not even me. I feel bad for that girl, I really do, but that is just ridiculous. And horribly painful. I want to help people... but, I'm addicted to fictional reality. As a "writer", my characters invade my head all the time. I'm more roleplayer than writer.

The friend I talk to everyday for hours on end, we don't talk a lot. We roleplay. On the phone. All day sometimes. We're trying to cut down, but it's hard. It's addicting, our characters' horrible realities. And we try on issues there like clothes. The drama is enough that we shouldn't even be watching ABC Family's teenmelodramaticsteamysoapoperas anymore.

Which brings me to something else.

I've recently been watching Pretty Little Liars on that channel. And I just finished the first book today.

I don't know why this stuff is so attractive. I've realized it's just... trash. Trashy drama, trashy scandals, trashy "secrets"... I mean, these girls all have suckish lives, and most of it is self-imposed. And of course, there's the terrorizing queen bee who doesn't go away even after she's "dead" (don't read this if you haven't read all the books/looked up spoilers like the fail I am). It's just... horrible, horrible trash.

Why are trainwrecks so attractive? Why do I want to watch and read and listen to this kind of crap all the time? Why on earth do I write it, roleplay it? Seek it out?

I admit, I like this stuff better when there's some realization of wrong and then some redemption. And I try to make my stories more rough around the edges than just plain edgy and melodramatic (even though they always come out melodramatic no matter how hard I try) .

And then, there's this:

The most important part of my life, which shouldn't just be a part: Jesus. God. My faith. I am so, so lukewarm, so out of it right now. I've let this fictional stuff take over my life and I don't want to give it all up. But I feel this bringing me down. And even so, I should use my talent for good, not trash. I try to make my actual stories have some sort of point to them. But... I don't know. Today has just been a day of thought. I needed to catch up on THINKING, because all I ever do is lose myself in fantasies of a romanticized version of the darkness of reality. Doesn't that sound horrible and ridiculous? Not to mention that I'm completely evil to all of my characters...

I think I need help. I want to be who He wants me to be. If all this fiction is part of His plan, if I have any talent at all, then I need to listen to Him better. But if it's just some idol in my life that I need to cut out, then I'll have to do that too.

[/endventrantblecch]

Thanks everyone. I love you all.

For everyone. (also on my Facebook notes; Sorry for taking so long to post again.)

This poem was inspired by the ones in Haiti and all around the world, and even right next door or in our classrooms and workplaces who are calling out for help right now. God calls us to love Him, and love others. We cannot be self-absorbed and we can't keep turning away. There are real needs all around us, and I know that we have the means to meet a lot of those needs. So please, everyone, do everything you can, pray, donate, go on missions, or just be a friend, to someone you know who's in need right now. We are called to love others. So let's love each other, let's reach out, and see people the way God sees us, and share love and compassion and mercy and grace.

A song by a woman who really knows what this means:

http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/music-34.html

Thanks, Jill. You're such an incredible example and artist for so many people, and I am really inspired by your heart for Christ and for others, and how you use your amazing gifts to help others. Thank you.


We walk this earth
In this priveleged place
And we forget
There are others.
There are those in pain everyday,
Who don't have what we have,
Who can't afford this selfishness,
This bitterness.
There are those who are struggling to survive,
There are those who are in pain,
Those who survive natural disaster,
Those who are barely making it,
From disasters inside and out.
These are the ones screaming out,
For our help,
For us to reach out,
Not to turn away.
Not to look away,
Not to deny
Their needs
Their pain.
We are self-absorbed,
And we keep making it all about us,
We focus on us,
And this is not the way it should be.
The poor, the sick, the victims,
The survivors, the hurting,
Are screaming out for us.
Even in silence, we should hear them.
God hears their cries,
He calls us.
They're calling to us,
We were meant to love Him,
And we were meant to love others.
Don't turn away,
Don't close your eyes,
To the pain,
Though it hurts even to see it,
We must see it.
We must understand,
Before we can truly love those
Who need Him,
Who need us.
We are called to love.

To Save a Life (referencing the movie and other lovely stuff)

Here I am, procrastinating my Sunday School assignment. But for mostly good reason. Tonight, was great. And once again, an apology for never posting on this blog. But I saw this movie to night, and I kind of feel like my faith is getting revitalized. Like this is what God wants from me. He wants me to just listen, and just reach out to people. Not to bring them down, not to interrupt them, not to judge, not to anything, but just reach out. Just be a friend. Just to care and to love... and that's what He did, that's what He's calling us to do. Tonight really made that concrete, just watching that movie. Just hanging out with those friends and classmates and youth group buddies and volunteering at that daycare-ish center after school on Friday, it's just... all about love and reaching out. This is it. This is IT, this is what God wants us to do, who He wants us to be. And it's all so clear now.

I can stop focusing on my sins and shortcomings and focus on Him. I can focus on what He's called me to do now. I can work hard on my schoolwork, and I can reach out and I can be a friend, we can all make a difference, in His name, and for everyone in the world.

If you ever get the chance, at any point, see the film "To Save a Life". It is incredible. It might just change your life, or your perspective on everything, or just put everything back into focus. Please see this movie if you can. Please. I guarentee, you will not be disappointed. And I'm not trying to advertise the thing, and it wasn't absolutely perfect, but it has a message and it has an impact. God bless, everyone. Good night, and I love you all.

-Aly

Some sort of poemishvent thing. (a test for myself)

Identity

These days I wonder
Where did my heart go?
Where did my empathy go?
Where did my faith go?
When did this attitude of selfishness, coarseness come from?
When did I turn into this person?
When did my caring die?
When did every thought turn into me?
Where did my selflessness go?

When did I become this person?
When did I start to make excuses?
When did I start apologizing just to make me seem better?
When did I turn into this person?

Where did my heart go?
When did I become the kind of person I'd like to hit?
When did I get so violent?
When did I get so coarse and cruel?
When did I get so ignorant?

When did I lose it?
When did I stop caring?
When did I become all about me?
When did I drain my friendships of substance?

When did my fiction become more important than real life?
When did I stop caring?
When did I become this person?

How could I start a new year as this person?
How could I think about those things?
How come God still forgives me?
Still wants me, still loves me?

How could anyone if they really knew every thought within me?
How is it possible?


Somehow, it is,
He tells me
Somehow, God still loves me.
Somehow, the incredible people
He's placed in my life
Still love me.

Somehow.
God knows me, all of me, and still loves me.
Love you. Loves all of us.
No matter what.

All I know,
Is that my life must be realigned,
Maybe it will be painful,
But my life must be changed.
My dreams, my goals, my passions,
Should all be His.
All of me.
I won't be missing,
I won't be someone I don't know, someone I'd love to hate,
Anymore.
Because of His love, and His grace.

Happy New Year, here's a pathetic, mentally third-grader's vent.

((I'm really sorry for not updating. Everything's semi-anonymous just so I can get this off my chest. Happy New Year's, everyone.))

I must be a clingy child. I mean, it doesn't bother me when my best friend does stuff with her other friend, but with our other best friend? And not even think to include me? Why can't I just let it go?

I said I wanted to go see that movie with the two of them, even though I've already seen it. I SAID it to both of them. I mean, they live fifteen miles away, and it's cold out, and my dad was already in Rochester, and I just HAD to sleep in... gosh. And I mean, I couldn't force any of my friend to pick me up, because that would just be intruding. I'm not jealous, I'm just upset that they didn't even think to include me. Sometimes things don't work out, but... gosh, I'm acting like a child. I really am. Why should this matter? They live a ways away, and they never get to hang out with just the two of them... why can't I just leave them alone?

The thing is, about the internet, is I can fake that I'm fine but not really be it. But I told one friend how I really felt, and the other, I just gave one-word replies. Gosh, I'm so pathetic. I'm just gonna have to let this go. There's nothing that I could've done about it and it's not worth my getting upset over.

But that doesn't mean I'm still not upset about it. I don't like holding grudges, and in my selfish state, I see there are ways I could've gone, but my parents don't want to go into town cuz it's too cold, and the roads are probably dangerous. And I guess it's all just a matter of selfishness. I'm still not too happy, though. :-/
--------------
On New Year's Eve, I went to Rock the Clock. And it was awesome. The three bands I saw: Claret (amazing), Benson Wells (okay, but still good), and my favoriteish of the night, Camera Can't Lie (though we had to leave early when they came on. D:). Most of this time in between bands was spent dancing caffeinated, playing Band Hero (which is amazing) and talking and stuff.
One of the most surprising things was, however, that, after I halfway-joked that being in a band of some sort was one of my New Year's resolutions, "Sam 1" invited me, "Macy", and (I forgot what her codename was...) "Kay" to be in a band with him. I know he's only been playing guitar for a few months, but Macy's been playing bass forever, and Kay has the most incredible voice. If something actually comes out of this band attempt (I've been a few failed ones, most of them never got to the first meeting), I'd say she deserves lead vocalist. I'd say her gift calls for lead EVERYTHING if it comes to singing. But I still want to be a part, so I'll try to make good backup/lyrics (Macy and Sam 1 also have written songs, but I'll try to be useful), and maybe relearn piano so I could play a keyboard. Though what he said we really need is a synthesizer. I think that'd be cool too.
I'm hoping this works out. I'm not as serious about this as I could be, but I will be serious if I know this will be serious.

Anyway, resolutions:

1. Make my life right with God. Really, really, put my whole heart into my relationships with Him and focus on Him. Read His Word, and follow His plans, listen for Him, and most of all, act. Be loving, be compassionate. Listen. Do good. Imitate the fruits of the spirit until they are natural to me.
2. Finish "Interference" (my nanowrimo novel)
3. Be more sensitive. About everything. I personally think I've been too coarse lately about everything.
4. Be less inappropriate. (Something I really need to work on).
5. Let people talk.
6. Get on an exercise regimen. (Even if you say I'm skinny, I still need to get off my lazy butt and do something.)
7. Talk like it's 2 in the morning all the time.
8. Talk to all my friends.
9. Be more grateful, less moody, and less agressive. (really, these are a problem for me. T.T)
10. Live by the so-called motto: Love God and love others. Let your love of Him flow over to everyone around you.

Sorry I missed everything. D: Anyway, really late Merry Christmas, and really late Happy Thanksgiving. <3 I'm thankful for all of my friends who put up with my childishness and obnoxiousness and everythingelseness, my wonderful family who also has to do that and, like my friends, always support me. I thank the genuine people who actually correct me when I'm wrong instead of letting me go off and say stupid things, and my most wonderful boyfriend, Nathaniel. :) He is the most wonderful guy, and I am so blessed to have such a loving person like him by my side.
And most importantly, I thank God for this incredible year, and this incredible life of mine. Without Him, I am nothing.

And thank you to those who still find time to read this neglected piece of fail. ^^'

2009 was a good year. I'm hoping 2010 will go just as well, if not better. Thank you, Lord, for one more year. I love you all, and God bless.