This poem was inspired by the ones in Haiti and all around the world, and even right next door or in our classrooms and workplaces who are calling out for help right now. God calls us to love Him, and love others. We cannot be self-absorbed and we can't keep turning away. There are real needs all around us, and I know that we have the means to meet a lot of those needs. So please, everyone, do everything you can, pray, donate, go on missions, or just be a friend, to someone you know who's in need right now. We are called to love others. So let's love each other, let's reach out, and see people the way God sees us, and share love and compassion and mercy and grace.
A song by a woman who really knows what this means:
http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/music-34.html
Thanks, Jill. You're such an incredible example and artist for so many people, and I am really inspired by your heart for Christ and for others, and how you use your amazing gifts to help others. Thank you.
We walk this earth
In this priveleged place
And we forget
There are others.
There are those in pain everyday,
Who don't have what we have,
Who can't afford this selfishness,
This bitterness.
There are those who are struggling to survive,
There are those who are in pain,
Those who survive natural disaster,
Those who are barely making it,
From disasters inside and out.
These are the ones screaming out,
For our help,
For us to reach out,
Not to turn away.
Not to look away,
Not to deny
Their needs
Their pain.
We are self-absorbed,
And we keep making it all about us,
We focus on us,
And this is not the way it should be.
The poor, the sick, the victims,
The survivors, the hurting,
Are screaming out for us.
Even in silence, we should hear them.
God hears their cries,
He calls us.
They're calling to us,
We were meant to love Him,
And we were meant to love others.
Don't turn away,
Don't close your eyes,
To the pain,
Though it hurts even to see it,
We must see it.
We must understand,
Before we can truly love those
Who need Him,
Who need us.
We are called to love.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Some poetry. I'm not even sure I should share these... so be careful.
Contradictory Personality
Imperfections
Imperfections, flaws, things to destroy
Memories to forget
Actions to regret
Things to say and do
Resisting
Holding back
For fear
Of judgment
Thoughts not to be thought
Wrongs not to be done
Roads not to be walked
Words that should not be spoken
Uncleanliness
All over me
I only see
What's wrong with me
And then I see
Too far right
Arrogance may overtake
To cause a fall
And then back again
To the wrong
Again and again.
God forgives me
When I've asked.
God forgave me.
When I let Him in.
I don't forgive myself
That easily.
I don't hold back.
All the time.
When I should,
I say,
What I shouldn't.
Or don't say anything
At all.
Undeserved
Sometimes I can't stand
The words you say
To me
Because they're just too sweet
And to untrue
And you don't know
Who you're talking to.
Maybe you do, maybe a little.
From what I've said
And what you've read.
But not the ugly me
I've been and can be
Inside.
You don't want to meet that girl,
I wouldn't want to tell you.
But would you still say
The words you do
If I let you know,
The worst I've been?
It pains me every time
To see those words,
Words on the screen,
The sweet, the kind, the loving,
Gosh, if you only knew
Who I've been.
Is it just the past?
Perhaps.
We all have regrets.
Even God forgave me, justified me.
That amazes me, amazes me incredibly.
Do you ever feel like the worst person on Earth?
Even when you aren't?
Does it not matter?
It doesn't matter in God's eyes,
When we ask for His forgiveness.
But Dear Lord, You are too amazing.
Far, incredible,
Grace, Mercy, Justice, Love.
How the Lord does that for me, and all who accept Him
Is so incredible to me.
Beyond my comprehension, His love, capacity to forgive.
And I know it's undeserved.
Yet it is His mercy.
Undeserving I am of His grace.
And I feel that way sometimes,
Even to the other loving people of His creation.
Undeserved is every word,
Or so it feels sometimes.
Every Word
Happiness, joy, love
I write.
Smiling faces,
No pain, no comments of the negative sort.
Finding every kind word to say to me.
So much joy I feel from you.
A gift you are to me,
A person who encourages me,
He's got a purpose for everything
And everyone.
And the people who touch my life.
You will not soon be forgotten
I will not let you go,
I won't walk away,
I promise.
If I break it,
Then give me your worst.
Because you don't deserve that,
You deserve much better,
Some days, you deserve better than me.
Touch the sky,
Hear His voice soon, please.
We have a reason that we're here
And the way we are.
And for why we've met
And spoken,
And become this close, this way,
For love is more, always more, than what we can describe.
Beyond impossible boundaries, endless.
The word is not
Empty.
So, let us use it full.
Let us speak it true.
We're young, with futures that may grow apart
Tears gather in my eyes at the thought,
But if this is temporary, let us use love full.
We won't grow apart.
In our hearts.
Not soon forgotten,
Will you be,
When you're so near to me,
Yet so far.
The miles,
Don't matter
To me.
Nothing
Will come
Between us if it's true,
What we say, and what we do,
For each other.
It's too true.
You mean so much to me,
So, so much.
So let us stay close tonight
Even so far away,
It doesn't matter.
Nothing comes between us.
Being realistic doesn't apply,
When I realize
The words you say to me,
So sincere, so genuine.
I am still in awe.
Stay close, even so far,
We won't ever mean "goodbye"
On this earth, for real
Because it won't a be a "good" bye without you,
And we won't forget.
Left a mark, on my heart, forever, through your words.
So sweet, so kind, so loving.
You amaze me.
Imperfections
Imperfections, flaws, things to destroy
Memories to forget
Actions to regret
Things to say and do
Resisting
Holding back
For fear
Of judgment
Thoughts not to be thought
Wrongs not to be done
Roads not to be walked
Words that should not be spoken
Uncleanliness
All over me
I only see
What's wrong with me
And then I see
Too far right
Arrogance may overtake
To cause a fall
And then back again
To the wrong
Again and again.
God forgives me
When I've asked.
God forgave me.
When I let Him in.
I don't forgive myself
That easily.
I don't hold back.
All the time.
When I should,
I say,
What I shouldn't.
Or don't say anything
At all.
Undeserved
Sometimes I can't stand
The words you say
To me
Because they're just too sweet
And to untrue
And you don't know
Who you're talking to.
Maybe you do, maybe a little.
From what I've said
And what you've read.
But not the ugly me
I've been and can be
Inside.
You don't want to meet that girl,
I wouldn't want to tell you.
But would you still say
The words you do
If I let you know,
The worst I've been?
It pains me every time
To see those words,
Words on the screen,
The sweet, the kind, the loving,
Gosh, if you only knew
Who I've been.
Is it just the past?
Perhaps.
We all have regrets.
Even God forgave me, justified me.
That amazes me, amazes me incredibly.
Do you ever feel like the worst person on Earth?
Even when you aren't?
Does it not matter?
It doesn't matter in God's eyes,
When we ask for His forgiveness.
But Dear Lord, You are too amazing.
Far, incredible,
Grace, Mercy, Justice, Love.
How the Lord does that for me, and all who accept Him
Is so incredible to me.
Beyond my comprehension, His love, capacity to forgive.
And I know it's undeserved.
Yet it is His mercy.
Undeserving I am of His grace.
And I feel that way sometimes,
Even to the other loving people of His creation.
Undeserved is every word,
Or so it feels sometimes.
Every Word
Happiness, joy, love
I write.
Smiling faces,
No pain, no comments of the negative sort.
Finding every kind word to say to me.
So much joy I feel from you.
A gift you are to me,
A person who encourages me,
He's got a purpose for everything
And everyone.
And the people who touch my life.
You will not soon be forgotten
I will not let you go,
I won't walk away,
I promise.
If I break it,
Then give me your worst.
Because you don't deserve that,
You deserve much better,
Some days, you deserve better than me.
Touch the sky,
Hear His voice soon, please.
We have a reason that we're here
And the way we are.
And for why we've met
And spoken,
And become this close, this way,
For love is more, always more, than what we can describe.
Beyond impossible boundaries, endless.
The word is not
Empty.
So, let us use it full.
Let us speak it true.
We're young, with futures that may grow apart
Tears gather in my eyes at the thought,
But if this is temporary, let us use love full.
We won't grow apart.
In our hearts.
Not soon forgotten,
Will you be,
When you're so near to me,
Yet so far.
The miles,
Don't matter
To me.
Nothing
Will come
Between us if it's true,
What we say, and what we do,
For each other.
It's too true.
You mean so much to me,
So, so much.
So let us stay close tonight
Even so far away,
It doesn't matter.
Nothing comes between us.
Being realistic doesn't apply,
When I realize
The words you say to me,
So sincere, so genuine.
I am still in awe.
Stay close, even so far,
We won't ever mean "goodbye"
On this earth, for real
Because it won't a be a "good" bye without you,
And we won't forget.
Left a mark, on my heart, forever, through your words.
So sweet, so kind, so loving.
You amaze me.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
*presses those electric heart-startthingstoblog* REVIVE! MERRY CHRISTMAS!/HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (And life-musings.)
Promise to self and others:
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST...
Ai'ight, sorry guys for being gone forever... Dx
I love you guys, though! Seriously!
Leanne has been having internet issues for a very long while nowzzz, so it ish sad. D':
But Rose and her family are coming up for Christmas/New Year! ^^
And it shall be amazing!
I'm so glad for the Christmas season be here. It's always such a great, hopeful, joyful time for me. And, like all breaks from school/holidays a good time for reflection, writing, reading, talking, etc.
I do that anyway, but I have more time now.
And now, for some really irrelevant/relevant? musings of stuffs.
Numero uno, Leanne and I talk on the phone 24/7. I've been neglecting a lot of my other friends lately... :'( And the internet. Especially my internet friends. Which is bad. And I shouldn't do that.
But the phone-roleplay (which started out as a parody of our characters out of various roleplays I've joined/mainly "In Their Eyes" on AvatarSpirit.net) we do now really has me thinking.
I've always got dark, messed-up characters, with messed-up lives, and messed-up everything else. Plus, I'm a Christian (and YES, this has to do with something, it has to do with EVERYTHING) and they don't follow my own moral standards. I've been a pretty darkish person since around two years ago or longer, a little confused, a littl culture-shocked because I was either sheltered or 100% obliviously and happily naiive up until around fifth grade.
Probably a little bit of both. But when my parents decided to let me be a little less sheltered, I guess I just kept being blissfully ignorant/oblvious/naiive on my own.
Psh, they still think they shelter me.
But, I ruin that kind of effort. And they appreciate my deeper thoughts on things as a teenager, even when they may not agree, or have the same thoughts. They're my parents. I think they're glad I talk to them. If I talk to my mom, then she's mostly listening because I often talk to her after a couple cups of coffee in the morning after an entire week of school and I'm dancing and jumping off of kitchen chairs while ranting about "political issues" and friends and a whole bunch of other things and writing... etc...
But, back on topic.
So I'm dark. And I can take all the dark stuff. I read so many "problem novels" now, it's not even funny. I'm just too serious sometimes! My sense of humor is pretty harsh sometimes.
But I used to do this kind of writing/reading/talking because:
1. I was utterly depressing/depressed? in sixth grade
2. Due to this, I made my poor depressing already Mary-Sue'd character Kim become my emo self and do the morbid crud I couldn't get my own self to do
3. Later on, I read/wrote this kind of stuff to understand real troubled people without asking troubled people I know, or experiencing it myself (psych-preparation; YA fiction is how I RESEARCH[ED?])
4. Now I just don't know why. Might still be the research. And maybe for the sake of experiencing.
But here's what I know. As I keep on doing this, things just don't manage to phase anymore. Like my friend's "legal murder" comment on abortion, just the matter-of-fact voice of hers in that comment, just how unattached it was, like there was nothing to be done, nothing to be said, just a horrible fact-of-life, without the emotion, that's just how everything's starting to become for me.
What I realize is that there are REAL people who live this way. Who do what Leanne's and my characters do. Who have gone through the things we put them through. The people who live those miserable lives and keeping going through their vicious cycles until they conciously try to stop and move on and change their life, escape their circumstances and start over, do NOT have the luxury of acting it out, of pretending, the luxury of saying on the phone or Personal Messaging saying to "take a break" from it, or to press that fake rewind button when things get too intense for the writer/speaker's sake.
I know it was wrong for me to WISH for misfortune for myself for the sake of empathy, to truly understand a person's pain. But it's better than continuing drama for the sake of continuing it. It's like a real person's miserable life is just a petty thing to play with to a person who has a relatively decent life. Melody Carlson, Jodi Picoult, what is with these women? Why do they write what they write? Why do I write what I write? How do I keep doing that?
I want to be more aware. And I want to understand. But I don't want to have a terrible life, even if it means it would be more inspiring, at least in my own opinion, if I overcame it.
My dad is a perfect example.
Problem is, he's STILL overcoming. He's nearing fifty years old, and things that happened all the way back in his childhood, in his teenage years, STILL are with him, even as he overcomes. He has Christ in his life, and being a follower of the Lord does NOT make your life easier. It makes it easier to bear and shows you the higher meaning of WHY you were put on earth, WHY you go through what you do. It shows you that you were put here to accomplish something beautiful, to show the hope you received in HIM to others. You do not turn on a light and hide it underneath a bowl. You show it to others.
That is why is Christmas is beautiful too.
I always had a recovery story for my character locked up in my head if they ever got that far into a story or a roleplay. They just keep stumbling and falling and crawling, and trying to go through life on their own. Therefore, they keep falling. None of them know how to deal with their life. They're angry, they're hurting, and they just don't understand. This is a terrible stereotype, I suppose for people who actually do that. I don't know. I just don't believe you can ever fully understand your life unless you come to the Lord. But that's not what everyone believes, though. And I understand that, but that's what the Bible says, though, and I wholeheartedly believe all of it. I will admit, I don't agree with everything the Old Testament says, ("eye for an eye, rapist should marry victim, lots of incest... o.eee") but even the New Testament clears up some of the Old Testament, through Jesus's teachings, especially in Matthew. Pretty sick stuff in the Old Testament. I believe all of Creation, though. (The incest thing gets cleared up when more people get born, because... I suppose all that stuff happened because there was like, no one on earth yet. And Adam and Eve--NOT MADE RELATED.)
Off topic once again...
Like Melody Carlson, one of my new favorite authors, who, like myself, has her own overuse of topics, her own set of stereotypes due to her overuse of topics, I believe life was not meant to be perfect. Sure, there was the fall of the world. But God gave us free will. And that meant risking His people to become tempted by His enemies, and then choose to sin against him. But He didn't want robots to worship Him. He wanted the people to do so WILLINGLY. He brings us closer through even tragedy, turns evil into good. Nothing is a coincidence. Nothing that happens wasn't meant to happen. When we're made, God already knows whether or not we're going to choose Him over the world by the time we've reached the end of our lives. God knows EVERYTHING.
And so the road bumps in our lives can just shoot us right up to Him. Or, they can make us go bitter and angry and hurt and stay in our miserable life-cycles.
When I think about it, my dad's life has probably fascinated me for so long that it makes me put these sorts of things into my writing, and my reading. When I say "I don't wanna ask troubled people/people who have gone through the terrible stuff I think about too much", I realize after a few moments, my dad's probably been through it all. He really inspires me. He's still not always consistent, but I know he's clinging to the cross, and I know he's truly trying to change. And he's human. It's beautiful.
I love my mom too, and she's a very wise, kind of traditional sometimes, but open woman. My parents are great.
I just hope my brother doesn't go through the culture shock I went through, though I think he's past that now. I think he's already developing those kinds of "worldly" problems, probably influenced by me, my music, my talking on the phone, his little internet games... turning into a full-fledged dork, but he's so smart, funny, but so boy-ish! I just hope he learns to understand what's truly important. My brother and my mom have always had a really close relationship, and my dad and him can always watch TV, comedy shows, play games and stuff together.
This Christmas, I'm really grateful for saving Grace, for my family, and my friends who put up with me all the time.
Love you all! Have a very Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
Sincerely,
Aly
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST...
Ai'ight, sorry guys for being gone forever... Dx
I love you guys, though! Seriously!
Leanne has been having internet issues for a very long while nowzzz, so it ish sad. D':
But Rose and her family are coming up for Christmas/New Year! ^^
And it shall be amazing!
I'm so glad for the Christmas season be here. It's always such a great, hopeful, joyful time for me. And, like all breaks from school/holidays a good time for reflection, writing, reading, talking, etc.
I do that anyway, but I have more time now.
And now, for some really irrelevant/relevant? musings of stuffs.
Numero uno, Leanne and I talk on the phone 24/7. I've been neglecting a lot of my other friends lately... :'( And the internet. Especially my internet friends. Which is bad. And I shouldn't do that.
But the phone-roleplay (which started out as a parody of our characters out of various roleplays I've joined/mainly "In Their Eyes" on AvatarSpirit.net) we do now really has me thinking.
I've always got dark, messed-up characters, with messed-up lives, and messed-up everything else. Plus, I'm a Christian (and YES, this has to do with something, it has to do with EVERYTHING) and they don't follow my own moral standards. I've been a pretty darkish person since around two years ago or longer, a little confused, a littl culture-shocked because I was either sheltered or 100% obliviously and happily naiive up until around fifth grade.
Probably a little bit of both. But when my parents decided to let me be a little less sheltered, I guess I just kept being blissfully ignorant/oblvious/naiive on my own.
Psh, they still think they shelter me.
But, I ruin that kind of effort. And they appreciate my deeper thoughts on things as a teenager, even when they may not agree, or have the same thoughts. They're my parents. I think they're glad I talk to them. If I talk to my mom, then she's mostly listening because I often talk to her after a couple cups of coffee in the morning after an entire week of school and I'm dancing and jumping off of kitchen chairs while ranting about "political issues" and friends and a whole bunch of other things and writing... etc...
But, back on topic.
So I'm dark. And I can take all the dark stuff. I read so many "problem novels" now, it's not even funny. I'm just too serious sometimes! My sense of humor is pretty harsh sometimes.
But I used to do this kind of writing/reading/talking because:
1. I was utterly depressing/depressed? in sixth grade
2. Due to this, I made my poor depressing already Mary-Sue'd character Kim become my emo self and do the morbid crud I couldn't get my own self to do
3. Later on, I read/wrote this kind of stuff to understand real troubled people without asking troubled people I know, or experiencing it myself (psych-preparation; YA fiction is how I RESEARCH[ED?])
4. Now I just don't know why. Might still be the research. And maybe for the sake of experiencing.
But here's what I know. As I keep on doing this, things just don't manage to phase anymore. Like my friend's "legal murder" comment on abortion, just the matter-of-fact voice of hers in that comment, just how unattached it was, like there was nothing to be done, nothing to be said, just a horrible fact-of-life, without the emotion, that's just how everything's starting to become for me.
What I realize is that there are REAL people who live this way. Who do what Leanne's and my characters do. Who have gone through the things we put them through. The people who live those miserable lives and keeping going through their vicious cycles until they conciously try to stop and move on and change their life, escape their circumstances and start over, do NOT have the luxury of acting it out, of pretending, the luxury of saying on the phone or Personal Messaging saying to "take a break" from it, or to press that fake rewind button when things get too intense for the writer/speaker's sake.
I know it was wrong for me to WISH for misfortune for myself for the sake of empathy, to truly understand a person's pain. But it's better than continuing drama for the sake of continuing it. It's like a real person's miserable life is just a petty thing to play with to a person who has a relatively decent life. Melody Carlson, Jodi Picoult, what is with these women? Why do they write what they write? Why do I write what I write? How do I keep doing that?
I want to be more aware. And I want to understand. But I don't want to have a terrible life, even if it means it would be more inspiring, at least in my own opinion, if I overcame it.
My dad is a perfect example.
Problem is, he's STILL overcoming. He's nearing fifty years old, and things that happened all the way back in his childhood, in his teenage years, STILL are with him, even as he overcomes. He has Christ in his life, and being a follower of the Lord does NOT make your life easier. It makes it easier to bear and shows you the higher meaning of WHY you were put on earth, WHY you go through what you do. It shows you that you were put here to accomplish something beautiful, to show the hope you received in HIM to others. You do not turn on a light and hide it underneath a bowl. You show it to others.
That is why is Christmas is beautiful too.
I always had a recovery story for my character locked up in my head if they ever got that far into a story or a roleplay. They just keep stumbling and falling and crawling, and trying to go through life on their own. Therefore, they keep falling. None of them know how to deal with their life. They're angry, they're hurting, and they just don't understand. This is a terrible stereotype, I suppose for people who actually do that. I don't know. I just don't believe you can ever fully understand your life unless you come to the Lord. But that's not what everyone believes, though. And I understand that, but that's what the Bible says, though, and I wholeheartedly believe all of it. I will admit, I don't agree with everything the Old Testament says, ("eye for an eye, rapist should marry victim, lots of incest... o.eee") but even the New Testament clears up some of the Old Testament, through Jesus's teachings, especially in Matthew. Pretty sick stuff in the Old Testament. I believe all of Creation, though. (The incest thing gets cleared up when more people get born, because... I suppose all that stuff happened because there was like, no one on earth yet. And Adam and Eve--NOT MADE RELATED.)
Off topic once again...
Like Melody Carlson, one of my new favorite authors, who, like myself, has her own overuse of topics, her own set of stereotypes due to her overuse of topics, I believe life was not meant to be perfect. Sure, there was the fall of the world. But God gave us free will. And that meant risking His people to become tempted by His enemies, and then choose to sin against him. But He didn't want robots to worship Him. He wanted the people to do so WILLINGLY. He brings us closer through even tragedy, turns evil into good. Nothing is a coincidence. Nothing that happens wasn't meant to happen. When we're made, God already knows whether or not we're going to choose Him over the world by the time we've reached the end of our lives. God knows EVERYTHING.
And so the road bumps in our lives can just shoot us right up to Him. Or, they can make us go bitter and angry and hurt and stay in our miserable life-cycles.
When I think about it, my dad's life has probably fascinated me for so long that it makes me put these sorts of things into my writing, and my reading. When I say "I don't wanna ask troubled people/people who have gone through the terrible stuff I think about too much", I realize after a few moments, my dad's probably been through it all. He really inspires me. He's still not always consistent, but I know he's clinging to the cross, and I know he's truly trying to change. And he's human. It's beautiful.
I love my mom too, and she's a very wise, kind of traditional sometimes, but open woman. My parents are great.
I just hope my brother doesn't go through the culture shock I went through, though I think he's past that now. I think he's already developing those kinds of "worldly" problems, probably influenced by me, my music, my talking on the phone, his little internet games... turning into a full-fledged dork, but he's so smart, funny, but so boy-ish! I just hope he learns to understand what's truly important. My brother and my mom have always had a really close relationship, and my dad and him can always watch TV, comedy shows, play games and stuff together.
This Christmas, I'm really grateful for saving Grace, for my family, and my friends who put up with me all the time.
Love you all! Have a very Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
Sincerely,
Aly
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Rambling rant rants about stuffs
New characters-
The Church Group Kids- These are the people who I go to youth group and Sunday School with. The only person I ever got SUPER close to there, was Rose, and I got somewhat close to Mark, I suppose. I know a lot about everyone there, and they're my friends. They are close to me, and I pray for them, and I care for them. They're really awesome, and come from different schools in the nearby city, and they're all pretty close to each other too. The group spans (in the summer, when youth group is out) from kids out of sixth grade, and going into ninth grade. In the schoolyear, the grades for middle school ministries spans from sixth through eighth grade.
Bella and Edward- (I gave them these codenames, because they have names relevant to the Twilight series, though they definitely aren't these names, though they might as well be...) A couple whom has been going out for 14 months, and are going into ninth grade.
Bella- A girl going into ninth grade who goes to the church, and is an amazing person, whom takes her boyfriend everywhere. (and her father follows them as well...) She's close to her father, and her caring boyfriend. She once had an obssessive crush on him, writing hers and his name in a youth retreat devotional booklet in hearts as her 'notes'. She likes writing, and is close to her friends, can have a bit of an attitude, and is really an individual person.
Edward- A boy who plays guitar, has awesome hair, and is (unfortunatelyforthosewhosecretlyfangirlspazzoverhim) boyfriend to Bella. He is extremely dedicated to her. He may be silent at times, but once he opens up, one realizes that he is a great guy, funny, and obviously dedicated to Bella.
Macy (remind me if I've used this name already... ^^")- She plays bass, she's 17, and she was homeschooled up until 10th grade. She goes to a Christian school now, and wishes she could cut her uniform skirt... She's very youthful and innocent in some ways, and in other ways, she is an intense, dark, intriguing artist. She writes amazing stories and lyrics, and draws incredible pictures, and has a wild imagination, due to being raised off of drama/sci-fi's, and Star Wars, and likes most sci-fi things. She is an incredible person that I admire and sympathize toward, during her family life at times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm no longer addicted to soft rock. However, there is no lacking of fluffy love songs, however, I do still love my soft rock. And old Coldplay. And Anna Nalick, and Ingrid Michaelson, and all them peoplez.
Anyway, my newer-ish music interests, or revivals... or just further interests... are stemmed from mix CDs of Christian Rock/Metal that this dude from my church, Ed (who is absolutely hothothothothohtohot), made for us to ride on the rides to and from wherever we went in our big vans during travel, like the eight hour trip from MN to SD. The music was great. And I had a ton of stuff I wanted to look up after I'd heard both (or however many... ) of the CDs there were.
I suddenly fell in love with some of the Skillet songs I'd heard over and over from one of my other friends, Macy, made me listen to. And Flyleaf. And learned about some other awesomesauce Christian rock-ish bands, like FM Static... and hearing all the guys in the back singing 'Love Addict' by Family Force 5 was hilarious and rockin'sauce. Though it annoyed most of the other guys.
So, I like rock-i-er-ish-item-music-thing right now. But still a lot of Alt. Rock. But more things like Flyleaf, and Paramore, music like that. And new modern-y-ish stuff too... but I've almost completely rid my music of hip-hop/rap. And I skip most of my Linkin Park songs right now too. O: Which is kinda sad. But they're negative and all that... I use most of that music for my characters and other people who listen to it all the time. Kris has been obssessing over the YouTube playlist I made for the roleplay we're both in, and she finally finished listening to it today, or at least I think she did. It has 86 songs on it, I believe. But, of course, YT deleted some of the vids, like YT does, so I've gotta go edit at some point... (xP toopid procrastination/laziness disorder.)
*sigh* I'm listening to Tonight by FM Static. It is sad. Especially with the movie it's using in the vid. (A Walk To Remember... I really need to watch that... we have all these movies that we own, yet I don't ever watch them... so I gotta do that with this one... )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg45rOnbnCA
^teh vid
I love that song. It is so sad... I had an idea of what it meant... the guy falls in love with a girl, and she witnesses to him, and they're in love, and she dies, and it's sad... :'(
But I love it... *sniff* :'(
Well, at least that's how the movie seems right now...
Anyvayz, I just thought I'd leave a random blog. God Bless you all! :) <3333
~Aly-chan
The Church Group Kids- These are the people who I go to youth group and Sunday School with. The only person I ever got SUPER close to there, was Rose, and I got somewhat close to Mark, I suppose. I know a lot about everyone there, and they're my friends. They are close to me, and I pray for them, and I care for them. They're really awesome, and come from different schools in the nearby city, and they're all pretty close to each other too. The group spans (in the summer, when youth group is out) from kids out of sixth grade, and going into ninth grade. In the schoolyear, the grades for middle school ministries spans from sixth through eighth grade.
Bella and Edward- (I gave them these codenames, because they have names relevant to the Twilight series, though they definitely aren't these names, though they might as well be...) A couple whom has been going out for 14 months, and are going into ninth grade.
Bella- A girl going into ninth grade who goes to the church, and is an amazing person, whom takes her boyfriend everywhere. (and her father follows them as well...) She's close to her father, and her caring boyfriend. She once had an obssessive crush on him, writing hers and his name in a youth retreat devotional booklet in hearts as her 'notes'. She likes writing, and is close to her friends, can have a bit of an attitude, and is really an individual person.
Edward- A boy who plays guitar, has awesome hair, and is (unfortunatelyforthosewhosecretlyfangirlspazzoverhim) boyfriend to Bella. He is extremely dedicated to her. He may be silent at times, but once he opens up, one realizes that he is a great guy, funny, and obviously dedicated to Bella.
Macy (remind me if I've used this name already... ^^")- She plays bass, she's 17, and she was homeschooled up until 10th grade. She goes to a Christian school now, and wishes she could cut her uniform skirt... She's very youthful and innocent in some ways, and in other ways, she is an intense, dark, intriguing artist. She writes amazing stories and lyrics, and draws incredible pictures, and has a wild imagination, due to being raised off of drama/sci-fi's, and Star Wars, and likes most sci-fi things. She is an incredible person that I admire and sympathize toward, during her family life at times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm no longer addicted to soft rock. However, there is no lacking of fluffy love songs, however, I do still love my soft rock. And old Coldplay. And Anna Nalick, and Ingrid Michaelson, and all them peoplez.
Anyway, my newer-ish music interests, or revivals... or just further interests... are stemmed from mix CDs of Christian Rock/Metal that this dude from my church, Ed (who is absolutely hothothothothohtohot), made for us to ride on the rides to and from wherever we went in our big vans during travel, like the eight hour trip from MN to SD. The music was great. And I had a ton of stuff I wanted to look up after I'd heard both (or however many... ) of the CDs there were.
I suddenly fell in love with some of the Skillet songs I'd heard over and over from one of my other friends, Macy, made me listen to. And Flyleaf. And learned about some other awesomesauce Christian rock-ish bands, like FM Static... and hearing all the guys in the back singing 'Love Addict' by Family Force 5 was hilarious and rockin'sauce. Though it annoyed most of the other guys.
So, I like rock-i-er-ish-item-music-thing right now. But still a lot of Alt. Rock. But more things like Flyleaf, and Paramore, music like that. And new modern-y-ish stuff too... but I've almost completely rid my music of hip-hop/rap. And I skip most of my Linkin Park songs right now too. O: Which is kinda sad. But they're negative and all that... I use most of that music for my characters and other people who listen to it all the time. Kris has been obssessing over the YouTube playlist I made for the roleplay we're both in, and she finally finished listening to it today, or at least I think she did. It has 86 songs on it, I believe. But, of course, YT deleted some of the vids, like YT does, so I've gotta go edit at some point... (xP toopid procrastination/laziness disorder.)
*sigh* I'm listening to Tonight by FM Static. It is sad. Especially with the movie it's using in the vid. (A Walk To Remember... I really need to watch that... we have all these movies that we own, yet I don't ever watch them... so I gotta do that with this one... )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg45rOnbnCA
^teh vid
I love that song. It is so sad... I had an idea of what it meant... the guy falls in love with a girl, and she witnesses to him, and they're in love, and she dies, and it's sad... :'(
But I love it... *sniff* :'(
Well, at least that's how the movie seems right now...
Anyvayz, I just thought I'd leave a random blog. God Bless you all! :) <3333
~Aly-chan
Friday, July 4, 2008
...(vent/whatever (kind of an 'emo-pressing' vent))
I need to vent.
It's wrong, but, I want to... I mean, did Jesus not knock over tables in anger, or something like that? I'm venting... I'm not going to say any names.
I can't take this. How can someone say "Oh, it's Natural Selection that that idiot kid died cuz he was imitating some character on TV! Lol! One less idiot in the world!" No. Just... no. 10 year old's don't die because of natural selection. There is sin in the world, and being so cruel and insensitive like that, is wrong. Wrong. I'm being wrong. I thought some pretty bad stuff... I wanna go blow up to some people right now. But I'm not going to...
Okay. Casting Crowns is very helpful right now.
I need to love people like Jesus, who ate dinner with the 'tax-collectors and sinners', and let the lady with the loose hair wash his feet. People struggle. People don't understand. People are swallowed up in the darkness and sin of this world and lured by temptation from the Devil. I'm not one of them... and I can't condemn them. I've just got to do what I can. I HAVE to stick to God. No. Matter. What.
Some quotes from my friend, from a thread on a site where 'proselyetize is 'not allowed.' He wrote them a long time ago. In my blog, he's Sam. He's changed. He's struggling. He's not like the people who condemned him in that thread, but he's hurting. He needs to heal and come back to Christ. He was so devout and 'overzealous' to some... he may have sounded like a bit of an advertisement to some, may have been 'shoving' his 'religion' down their throats.
..."but you must know that winning people to christ is an amazing thing. why should it not be allowed? what if someone didn't answer to this topic but read it and understood it and the holy spirit took over. what if that somebody is saved right now from the firey clutches of eternal Hell. you can't honestly think that going to Hell for all eternity is any better than going to Heaven with a few people you don't like. i can guarentee that anyone in Hell right now would gladly switch lives with any one of you. Hell is NOT a good place to be. and to think that Jesus died a long and painful death on the cross just to give us a second chance to get in to Heaven is just unbelievable!!! and yet some do not see that and don't want to because it might make them afraid or it might hurt their feelings! that makes it our job as christians to give as many people as humanly possible a chance at going to Heaven and staying out of the clutches of the Devil who would kill just to make sure we don't find God! Jesus could come back tomarrow morning or an hour even and he is going to collect the souls that trust in him and leave the unbelivers here on Earth where if they are not killed will suffer years of Satan's wrath! it is the christian's job to win people to Christ and you're not going to tell me i can't do it because it's against the rules. because i might make some people feel sad. that's a price i am willing to take if it means keeping people out of the fiery trenches of Hell!!! some of you might think that Satan is your friend. that Satan is here to help but he's not! he tricks you into thinking he's your friend so that when you turn around he can stab you in the back and God's the only person who can save you from that! So believe what you want to believe everybody but you'll be wishing you would've paid a little more attention in Sunday School when Jesus comes."Those Who Seek God Will Be Rewarded"- Hebrews 11:6"
"Yay! i didn't know so many people were christians! it's GREAT isn't it?! and *insert username of member here*, you don't have to go to hell you know. as long as you accept christ as your lord and savior and say the sinner's prayer, you don't have to go to hell. that's the free gift Jesus Christ gave us when he willingly died on the cross. isn't that just amazing! God doesn't want you to go to hell. that's why he gave his only son to die on the cross for OUR sins. Jesus didn't sin once in his entire life. he was literally PERFECT. and yet he died on the cross for us anyway! you see, God doesn't want to go to hell. Jesus died on the cross so that we could have the chance to get into Heaven. it's a free gift The Lord gave to sinners. and we are all sinners by the way. it's your choice if you want to accept the gift given to you by The Lord Jesus Christ who loves you so much he would die for YOU! it's never too late to get saved. but don't wait! you could pass way as you sleep tonight. it's a scary thing to imagine but happens much to often. it's not such a scary thing however once you get saved. because the second you get saved, you're going to Heaven. so then when you go to bed, thinking you may pass away right where you're laying, it's not so scary. because now, you know that if you were to die, you're going to Heaven. Forever. Where you can see Jesus. The one you call, your Lord and Savior. May God be with you all. And all who did not post. The Lord loves you all. Just the same."
How can people fall apart? He's straying... I need to be there for him.
New favorite band-
Casting Crowns
I'm almost crying right now. It feels like how I used to look at the old church directory pictures, and see this huge family of about 9, all smiling, a couple of pouting teenagers, and this grinning little, 7-year-old boy, who looked like the kid from Steuart Little (2002 directory), and then look at the most recent directory, from 2006, and... knowing how the family split... 5 people. In that picture. His parents divorced. Sister, or whoever the girl was, grew up. I know she's alive, because I tried to reach someone of their last name through an operator, and they tried to get me there. The boy had longer hair now, different glasses, a faint smile, pale skin. I knew there was more behind that, however.
This boy was Mark.
And he still is Mark. It seemed he'd had trouble talking to me about his family, and when he did, none of the stories were happy. It wasn't like my novel boy, or like Troy Abbort, it wasn't like he was being physically abused, or neglected, but his family... definitely had dysfunction. I never got extreme specifics. But I knew some things. His parents divorced.
I got told something about cousins and adoption and aunts and uncles in car crashes from someone else, not from Mark, but I don't know exactly what happened...
He was hurting too.
My friend, a girl, lost, and searching. She says she's a Christian. But I think she might just be 'religious', at the times she is. I hate that word... I am not religious. I have a relationship with Christ. He is my Lord, my Savior, my Heavenly father. He's a friend. He shouldn't be as distant as I put him off, but He IS my friend.
Either way, her faith... I don't know if she understands. She's had crappy boyfriends. Tons of them. One of them, a drug-addicted, cheating, player, tried to get her to do things she absolutely DIDN'T want to do. She told me in the summer before sixth grade that she had kissed a girl. She's obssessed with boys. She doesn't want to get pregnant, or have sex or any of that. She just 'loves' them. But everytime she gets into a relationship, everytime a boy hurts her by cheating on her, or breaking up with her for some stupid reason, I watch her get hurt. I hear her over the phone, angry and hurt. I hear her. I'm one of the so-called 'few' people she's told that she was bi. I don't call her enough. I need to talk to her. And though I'm so quick to say something wrong is fun, or anything of the like, jokingly, I can't confront someone about something like that. I can't do that. I can't shove my faith down my throat. Even my youth pastor says not to do that. But I have to tell her it's wrong somehow... though, if she accepts Christ as her savior in truth, and believes in Him fully, is her sin not forgiven? Most likely it is forgiven. But to repeat that, again and again.
Her boyfriends are the ones who have the problems. She's torn apart inside, I know it. Her mom, she doesn't even know her mom's age. Her mom is rather overweight; she got one of those gastric bypass surgeries, or something of the like, and she just wants the best for her daughter; she doesn't seem to know that much about her daughter's relationships, or her preference. She let her transfer schools when the one she went to wasn't working out, however. But putting a bunch of troubled, high-risk kids, in ONE school... how does that help? I suppose it could... but the bullying... cutting, suicidal thoughts... I guess you can't really blame a school for that. But it's so much easier, isn't it? I wasn't there for her when she was like that. I wasn't there. I wasn't there to listen. I need to call her... check up on her... just be her friend, at the very least.
I am deathly afraid of any of my friends going to anywhere other than Heaven. Maybe it's wrong... to think like that. Just because I want them with me. It's not as though I'll be lonely. I don't know what my motives are sometimes. I do, however, honestly, want them all to get saved, and share my joy. And feel God's love surrounding them. I want them to be there to know that.
I could list all my friends and my friends' various problems right now.
But that's not the point... I need to be here for those who are CLOSE to me. Not just online. And not just the few people that I actually, selfishly, choose to call during the day. The people that need someone, are the ones I need to talk to. Lord, please help me... give me your guidance.
It's wrong, but, I want to... I mean, did Jesus not knock over tables in anger, or something like that? I'm venting... I'm not going to say any names.
I can't take this. How can someone say "Oh, it's Natural Selection that that idiot kid died cuz he was imitating some character on TV! Lol! One less idiot in the world!" No. Just... no. 10 year old's don't die because of natural selection. There is sin in the world, and being so cruel and insensitive like that, is wrong. Wrong. I'm being wrong. I thought some pretty bad stuff... I wanna go blow up to some people right now. But I'm not going to...
Okay. Casting Crowns is very helpful right now.
I need to love people like Jesus, who ate dinner with the 'tax-collectors and sinners', and let the lady with the loose hair wash his feet. People struggle. People don't understand. People are swallowed up in the darkness and sin of this world and lured by temptation from the Devil. I'm not one of them... and I can't condemn them. I've just got to do what I can. I HAVE to stick to God. No. Matter. What.
Some quotes from my friend, from a thread on a site where 'proselyetize is 'not allowed.' He wrote them a long time ago. In my blog, he's Sam. He's changed. He's struggling. He's not like the people who condemned him in that thread, but he's hurting. He needs to heal and come back to Christ. He was so devout and 'overzealous' to some... he may have sounded like a bit of an advertisement to some, may have been 'shoving' his 'religion' down their throats.
..."but you must know that winning people to christ is an amazing thing. why should it not be allowed? what if someone didn't answer to this topic but read it and understood it and the holy spirit took over. what if that somebody is saved right now from the firey clutches of eternal Hell. you can't honestly think that going to Hell for all eternity is any better than going to Heaven with a few people you don't like. i can guarentee that anyone in Hell right now would gladly switch lives with any one of you. Hell is NOT a good place to be. and to think that Jesus died a long and painful death on the cross just to give us a second chance to get in to Heaven is just unbelievable!!! and yet some do not see that and don't want to because it might make them afraid or it might hurt their feelings! that makes it our job as christians to give as many people as humanly possible a chance at going to Heaven and staying out of the clutches of the Devil who would kill just to make sure we don't find God! Jesus could come back tomarrow morning or an hour even and he is going to collect the souls that trust in him and leave the unbelivers here on Earth where if they are not killed will suffer years of Satan's wrath! it is the christian's job to win people to Christ and you're not going to tell me i can't do it because it's against the rules. because i might make some people feel sad. that's a price i am willing to take if it means keeping people out of the fiery trenches of Hell!!! some of you might think that Satan is your friend. that Satan is here to help but he's not! he tricks you into thinking he's your friend so that when you turn around he can stab you in the back and God's the only person who can save you from that! So believe what you want to believe everybody but you'll be wishing you would've paid a little more attention in Sunday School when Jesus comes."Those Who Seek God Will Be Rewarded"- Hebrews 11:6"
"Yay! i didn't know so many people were christians! it's GREAT isn't it?! and *insert username of member here*, you don't have to go to hell you know. as long as you accept christ as your lord and savior and say the sinner's prayer, you don't have to go to hell. that's the free gift Jesus Christ gave us when he willingly died on the cross. isn't that just amazing! God doesn't want you to go to hell. that's why he gave his only son to die on the cross for OUR sins. Jesus didn't sin once in his entire life. he was literally PERFECT. and yet he died on the cross for us anyway! you see, God doesn't want to go to hell. Jesus died on the cross so that we could have the chance to get into Heaven. it's a free gift The Lord gave to sinners. and we are all sinners by the way. it's your choice if you want to accept the gift given to you by The Lord Jesus Christ who loves you so much he would die for YOU! it's never too late to get saved. but don't wait! you could pass way as you sleep tonight. it's a scary thing to imagine but happens much to often. it's not such a scary thing however once you get saved. because the second you get saved, you're going to Heaven. so then when you go to bed, thinking you may pass away right where you're laying, it's not so scary. because now, you know that if you were to die, you're going to Heaven. Forever. Where you can see Jesus. The one you call, your Lord and Savior. May God be with you all. And all who did not post. The Lord loves you all. Just the same."
How can people fall apart? He's straying... I need to be there for him.
New favorite band-
Casting Crowns
I'm almost crying right now. It feels like how I used to look at the old church directory pictures, and see this huge family of about 9, all smiling, a couple of pouting teenagers, and this grinning little, 7-year-old boy, who looked like the kid from Steuart Little (2002 directory), and then look at the most recent directory, from 2006, and... knowing how the family split... 5 people. In that picture. His parents divorced. Sister, or whoever the girl was, grew up. I know she's alive, because I tried to reach someone of their last name through an operator, and they tried to get me there. The boy had longer hair now, different glasses, a faint smile, pale skin. I knew there was more behind that, however.
This boy was Mark.
And he still is Mark. It seemed he'd had trouble talking to me about his family, and when he did, none of the stories were happy. It wasn't like my novel boy, or like Troy Abbort, it wasn't like he was being physically abused, or neglected, but his family... definitely had dysfunction. I never got extreme specifics. But I knew some things. His parents divorced.
I got told something about cousins and adoption and aunts and uncles in car crashes from someone else, not from Mark, but I don't know exactly what happened...
He was hurting too.
My friend, a girl, lost, and searching. She says she's a Christian. But I think she might just be 'religious', at the times she is. I hate that word... I am not religious. I have a relationship with Christ. He is my Lord, my Savior, my Heavenly father. He's a friend. He shouldn't be as distant as I put him off, but He IS my friend.
Either way, her faith... I don't know if she understands. She's had crappy boyfriends. Tons of them. One of them, a drug-addicted, cheating, player, tried to get her to do things she absolutely DIDN'T want to do. She told me in the summer before sixth grade that she had kissed a girl. She's obssessed with boys. She doesn't want to get pregnant, or have sex or any of that. She just 'loves' them. But everytime she gets into a relationship, everytime a boy hurts her by cheating on her, or breaking up with her for some stupid reason, I watch her get hurt. I hear her over the phone, angry and hurt. I hear her. I'm one of the so-called 'few' people she's told that she was bi. I don't call her enough. I need to talk to her. And though I'm so quick to say something wrong is fun, or anything of the like, jokingly, I can't confront someone about something like that. I can't do that. I can't shove my faith down my throat. Even my youth pastor says not to do that. But I have to tell her it's wrong somehow... though, if she accepts Christ as her savior in truth, and believes in Him fully, is her sin not forgiven? Most likely it is forgiven. But to repeat that, again and again.
Her boyfriends are the ones who have the problems. She's torn apart inside, I know it. Her mom, she doesn't even know her mom's age. Her mom is rather overweight; she got one of those gastric bypass surgeries, or something of the like, and she just wants the best for her daughter; she doesn't seem to know that much about her daughter's relationships, or her preference. She let her transfer schools when the one she went to wasn't working out, however. But putting a bunch of troubled, high-risk kids, in ONE school... how does that help? I suppose it could... but the bullying... cutting, suicidal thoughts... I guess you can't really blame a school for that. But it's so much easier, isn't it? I wasn't there for her when she was like that. I wasn't there. I wasn't there to listen. I need to call her... check up on her... just be her friend, at the very least.
I am deathly afraid of any of my friends going to anywhere other than Heaven. Maybe it's wrong... to think like that. Just because I want them with me. It's not as though I'll be lonely. I don't know what my motives are sometimes. I do, however, honestly, want them all to get saved, and share my joy. And feel God's love surrounding them. I want them to be there to know that.
I could list all my friends and my friends' various problems right now.
But that's not the point... I need to be here for those who are CLOSE to me. Not just online. And not just the few people that I actually, selfishly, choose to call during the day. The people that need someone, are the ones I need to talk to. Lord, please help me... give me your guidance.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
I NEED TO WRITE!!!!
Screw explanations. (I-I... I mean... yeah, I mean screw explanations. )
I need to write. I just have to. A series of random songs and poems off the top of my head.
I need to write. I just have to. A series of random songs and poems off the top of my head.
Come Home Soon
(v.1)
I hate when I have to anticipate your arrival time
You need to come home soon
This has happened way too
Many times
You need to come home
Call the phone, because I know
You can
The line was busy, but I'm sorry
Come home soon
Every time, since I was a little girl
I'd wait, praying for you desperately
You'd come home, late, or in the morning
For your various reasons
And now it's time for this again
I'm trying not to think that you will come home safely
Because I'm afraid that will jinx what has happened before
I need to give it up to God, and pray that you'll come home
I need to stop worrying so much
(chorus)
But everytime you take so long
Past 8:30, and you're still not back yet
You need to give us a call
I don't care if it's 2 in the morning
When you're out for some wrong reason
Or anything excusable
We all just need to hear your voice
Because we love you
Come home soon
(v.2)
I'm waiting for you to call
I know I shouldn't be anxious
And I know whatever God's will is
It will happen
Please keep driving
Hurry home
Have you called the cell?
Are you on your way?
Where are you?
Did you know one night at home
And during a storm
I don't remember how old I was, but I stared at the window
Sobbing
Not knowing if you were coming home or not
But you still did...
I pray everything's alright
(chorus)
(song ending)
We love you
Come home soon
I don't care what you've done in the past
We still love you
All of us
Your heart is looking toward God
And we trust him to bring you safely back to us
---------
My Personal Jacob (a poem)
We never said those things out loud
The words upon our minds
The words 'I love you'
Or, 'You're Beautiful'
Or anything like that
We were best friends for just so long
And I guess it developed into something else
We tried that relationship once, and it faded
And yet, the feelings went on
But when you took someone else to your heart
I wandered off, and thought I'd moved on
I found someone else
I thought I loved him too
And then those weeks where 'we' fluttered
Things unsure
And then you told me things I thought I'd never hear
And it was hard to say no to you
And every word I said
About love and everything
I meant that
But I'm not sure how I meant it
And then we both were left without boyfriend or girlfriend
And you wanted me
Did I really want you?
I thought about 'him' all the time...
And yet I said yes
A weeklong relationship, we tried again
Your arm around my neck
On a ferris wheel
Next to a friend, who was another girl
Who also previously liked you; one of your best friends
And on a ski lift, I got my first kiss
From that other boy I 'loved'
Next to one of my best friends
I wonder if they were jealous, or nervous, or just weirded out
I don't know myself anymore
Or at least what emotions are
Or what they mean
Or what I'm feeling
It's hard to distinguish anything
When I think about you and him
But my personal Jacob Black, you know I love you too
Maybe not the way you want, and I know for you
It won't be enough
When you joked about six years later, coming to my house
To meet my parents
We would be nineteen
Or at least I would
How could I tear that dream apart for you?
Did you really want that?
I did, though, didn't I?
Do you still want to be my friend?
I received your message
One-liners, no replies
On the chat
Even with the jokes...
Or whatever that is
Are you still hurt?
Is there anything I can do?
What is there I can do?
Please...
I don't want to lose you.
------------
And these lyrics aren't mine...
Broken and Beautiful, by Mark Schultz
There’s a businessman, there’s a widowed wife
A smiling face with a shattered life
A teenage girl with a choice to make
It’s crowded here in church today
And the preacher says as the sermon ends
“Please close your eyes, bow your heads
Is there anyone in need of prayer,
Oh Jesus wants to meet you here”
Cause we all fall short, and we all have sinned
But when you let, God’s grace break in
(Chorus)
It’s Beautiful, Beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Well he’d never been to church before
But he came today as a last resort
His world was crashing in
And he was suffocating in his sin
But tears rolled down as hope rushed in
He closed his eyes, raised his hands
Worshipping the God who can
Bring him back to life again
(Chorus)
And it’s beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Cause there’s nothing more beautiful at all
Than when His sons and daughters call, broken
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Come as you are Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Come as you are
(Chorus)
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Come as you are
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Broken and beautiful
Broken and beautiful
Beautiful
((^This song is so incredible. I love it. It is truly amazing.))
I Live For You
(v.1)
Your love is eternal
Your creation is here
Lord, you are beautiful
Your words I can hear
Just when I see that creation
Yet, with all Your power, Your wonder
Your perfection
You love me
(chorus)
You sent Your son to the earth
To give his life
For me
For the world
A gift
We need to accept
To be with you
And that's where I want to be
(v.2)
I am sinful
I live in the world
That has been darkened by sin
And yet, I ask for your forgiveness
And my sins are no more
Your will is my will
Your glory is my purpose in life
(chorus)
(bridge; your love is deep, by Jami Smith)
Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I travel
Wider than the gap you fill (x2)
(chorus, x2)
I want to go where you want me to
Dear Lord
Your glory is my purpose.
^My first Christian/Worship song I've ever written down.
I Want to Live For You
(v.1)
Even in this world of darkness
The threatens to close in
You are here
You are the light
Even in this place of sorrow
That wishes to swallow us up
You are here
Our comforter
(chorus)
Dear Lord
Your love stretches high and low
Surrounding us
Your life was given for us
You love us so very much
The least I can do
Is live for you
(v.2)
Even when we run from you
We can always come back
Your open arms
Welcome
The prodigals
You're coming back for us
You're calling us to spread Your Word
You love us so much
(chorus)
(bridge)
I want to live for You
I want to live for You
I want to live for You
I want to live for You
(chorus, x2)
I have so much more I need to write right now. SO MUCH. Thank you, Lord!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
How could I do that to a friend. (A blog about... 'Jared'...okay, more my boy issues... that I created...)
New Characters:
Sherry- One of Jared's ex-girlfriends. They've been friends since pre-school, and they're still friends. She broke up with Jared because she liked another boy... and the other boy didn't like her back.
Mara- Another one of Jared's ex-girlfriends. The tensions between those two were very high when they were dating, with Jared's constant involvement with Kim, who was also dating Mark at the time. She held some hard feelings toward Kim for a while, but now they're back on good terms...
Rick- Currently likes/liked Rose. He used to like Kim, and was formerly Kim's boyfriend. The 'guy from her church'.
Kenny- One of Jared's friends. Friends with Kim. Though they once dated, and it hardly lasted a a week. They still remain friends.
Samuel- A guy. Called 'Sammie' by girl-ish nickname. A guy-friend of Kim who started going to her small-town school, his former Christian-Private-School innocence destroyed by public school. Sammica, Sammie... girly names are her nicknames for her. Used to live next door to Ella. A little bit of a sick sense of humor at times, yet admittedly, unfortunately, funny.
___________
I can't stand it anymore.
I have to do it. I'm going to hurt him more if I put it off. Or, maybe I'm just being selfish... gosh... I freakin' know I can make this work! I just gotta stop liking Mark. Which seems easier said than done. But I CAN control my emotions! It's not justified to break up with someone because you just want someone else. Because I can't keep my mind off of Mark. Even when I was with Jared! ON THE FREAKIN' FERRIS WHEEL. That is the Jared/Kim place! The first time he put his arm around me.... and Sherry was sitting right there. Just like how Mark and Kim kissed... on a ski-lift... and Rose was on the other seat... heh... wow, I do that a lot on suspended places with people sitting right next to me/guy... *sigh* I miss Rose... and her phone being turned on... it really feels like she moved now... *sigh*
I don't know what to do. Well, actually I do. In order to keep Jared happy, I would have to remain in a relationship with him, actually call him instead of trying to avoid him, and just... be there. And be a good girlfriend. WHO DOESN'T THINK SHE'S GOING TO EITHER CHEAT ON HIM OR BREAK HIS HEART IN SOME OTHER WAY.
I've hurt him before. Even when he didn't deserve it. I've said stupid things to him. But though he's had his share, I shouldn't just hurt him like that... It's not like he's forcing me to stay with him. I just can't let him go like that. But as you know, he's a friend. And even though I wanted to be with him a few times this year, maybe I did what Ella assumes she does. Projected my feelings on someone else. Back then... but even just a few weeks ago, I wanted to be with him again at the dance. But right after I knew Mark's friend, our awesome substitute teacher's younger brother (She's only 26... her younger brother goes to the same school as Mark and is in the same grade) was gone, THAT'S when my feelings for Jared hyped up. And I wanted him to dance with me. And I wanted his attention. And even though I was hurt that night because I thought he didn't want me, it seemed I was wrong, because we messaged each other, and we both decided to go out again.
How does that happen?!
In all honesty, I've been doubting trying this relationship again, since day 1. Our second (or third, if you wanna count the time I kept talking to him online...) try with this. (That debatably second time is an entirely different story...)
I didn't want to be like that quite yet with him. I wasn't ready, and I wasn't over Mark. It was my fault. And it's still my fault.
Like how Rose said she could see herself graduating here, because it had been the longest time she'd ever stayed in one place... (5 years...) and when she found out she had to move again, it made it all so much more real to me. So much sadder. Terribly so.
And so, even though Jared just jokingly mentioned something about '6 years later when I come to dinner and meet your parents...' and other details surrounding that... it just knocked things into perspective again. I hate that... constantly, constantly, I'm having moments that snap me back to something. Snap me back to reality. Back to the little land of dreams of mine... back to sanity... or insanity...
I can't believe I could hurt him like this. What am I gonna say?
"I'm sorry, but I'm still in love with Mark, even though he might not even like me anymore! And still hardly talks to me! When I call him... or see him in church... or even email him! I'm sorry, but bye!"
Yeah. Right.
I don't know... I could be honestly civilized... but... I... I don't want to hurt him. Even though it'll kill me to keep going with him, to have to end up kissing him, holding him, like he was my boyfriend again, the things I did as a 12 year old who only DREAMED of kissing and wrote about 'love'. I didn't know a thing. I still don't.
I can't believe myself... I already did this to Mark. To my other old boyfriends. Hurt them like that, even though they hardly knew. In sixth grade, I didn't know what having boyfriends and dating was. I just said 'let's go out' cuz I was desperate. Jared hooked us up. We were talking about being desperate for a boyfriend/girlfriend. And so there I was, with that kid's friend. I didn't yet admit I liked Jared then, but I guess it was weird... and then I flirted with this guy at my church. Because I was terrible back then. And I wasn't taking my relationship with Jared's friend seriously. I didn't know how yet. I was inexperienced and not used to having a commitment like that. I was just plain naiive. I'd been told I was flirtatious before. And I didn't understand. And I didn't want to like anyone. I just thought I was just talking... I HONESTLY didn't even realize what flirting was. I'm not even sure I get it quite yet.
And yet, I continued my stupidity. It led up to Jared. And I was going out with that kid from my church. Our youth group ended. I wouldn't see him unless I caught a glimpse of him at church. And I didn't go to first service then, so I wouldn't be able to see him anyway. And so when I started dating Jared for the first time, after admitting I liked him under sad circumstances (see 'Love: What It Means to Me'. The story about the a-hole friends comment, and little-kid variant playgrounds...). And so there we were. We dated the whole summer. This seems exactly like that.
Except it isn't at all.
Mark is constantly on my mind. He is my first boyfriend that I actually acted like a girlfriend with. The first boy who told me he loved me, called me pretty (outside my family...), and I felt attracted to in more than a crush-like manner. I was constantly trying to get him to communicate with him. We had a lot of similar interests. He had a subtle sense of humor, sometimes dark, at least playing games like Mafia and Killer (card roleplay games with... well, killers...), loved anime, INCLUDING Fruits Basket and Ouran High School Host Club, listened to Linkin Park (He listens to music according to his mood... which he stated, he listened to LP when he was depressed... but just the fact that he liked the band and listened to them without calling them a 'freakin' emo band' that 'only emos like', seemed to be enough for me...) and he was sad a lot... quiet... sensitive... yet, he was guy-ish too. Living with all his brother's. His family's split was tragical enough... his father's behavior as the cliche kinda 'rich guy who's always too busy with business' was just perfect. In so many ways, he resembled my mental romance novel boy. But I recently read something so applicable to me... on AvatarSpirit.Net, of all places. From a man who had his heart broken early, after a divorce of a two year marriage.
"At some point, you've got to let go of your fantasies and come back to the real world."
It seemed he didn't want to believe in love either, until it happened to him... which is understandable, considering his difficult position. I was playing girlfriend, while desperately wanting to help him. And yet, I wanted to just be his girlfriend too... after a while, I thought it got frustrating. I cried for him. I cried because I thought I messed up with him. Because he thought he hurt me, when he didn't. Because I pulled away from that kiss... it felt so awkward, my first kiss. It tasted weird too, if you want all honesty...
I kept snapping back to the real world in that relationship. And I said I loved him. But toward the end, everything seemed to be watering down... and I was getting involved, FAR too involved, with Jared, just online, just talking... but that was when him and I let ourselves go. We spoke so seriously online. I said I loved HIM, too, online. He said he loved me. I couldn't help but reciprocate. And truth be told, I wanted to... I do love him. I guess, just more in a platonic way, though. And though Mark and I are broken up, though I want us to be just friends, so I can still help him overcome whatever's going on, even though it seems so wrong to most people to be in any form of relationship with someone just to 'fix' them... I want to be with him.
Jared saw his future with me.
I saw my future with Mark. I dreamed about it, thought about it all the time while going out with him. I never doubted that we could work... even after all those years.
Though my heart longs for someone to be with forever, I was desperate to be so careful while going out with Mark. He'd done things a guy had never done before with me. Simple little things, normal things, you know? Put his arm around my waist, held my hand, then, when I decided it was uncomfortable to have him put his arm around my waist, he willingly moved to my shoulders, and I did the same. I didn't ever call him a dork. The only time I stereotyped him was back when Rose liked him, and plus, to us, it was a compliment, because we truly believed he was a (but mostly hot...) 'hawt emo guy'.
And he is. He really is.
But I like it... and I like him. Do I love him? I don't know...
I have so long to go. Even though, when I think about it, four years and I'll be in college. 10 and I'll be 23. So short... so little time... yet so much time. My teen years go fast. And slow. And I want someone to spend them with, but... is it time to find forever already? Do I really want that?
And what if I do something stupid? Will I go 9 months through school with no humor, background music, cute guys, attractive adoptive fathers for certain unborn children...? Will I do that? Would I do that? Would I go to a stupid party? And do something stupider? What will I mess up? How can I prevent it?
I don't wanna screw up either. Honestly, that's another subject entirely, and IF I ever got pregnant, and it was because I chose to do that with some guy, I'd have the child.
Just saying.
Anyway, back to the original topic.
*sigh*
I can't do this! I don't want to hurt my best guy friend, I don't know if Mark wants me back or if I'll stress him out, or if I'll ever learn to talk to him in a way that makes him want to talk to me with honest, truthful, long, liberating conversation, or if I'll ever be content with Jared as a boyfriend, or if I'll screw up, or if he'll try to make me screw up, or...
Gosh, I wish I lived in the age where none of this happened.
*sigh*
Oh well...
Lord, thank you for the people I know, for blessing me with the incredible people that I love. Please guide me through these difficult times... may I make decisions pleasing to you.
Amen.
Sherry- One of Jared's ex-girlfriends. They've been friends since pre-school, and they're still friends. She broke up with Jared because she liked another boy... and the other boy didn't like her back.
Mara- Another one of Jared's ex-girlfriends. The tensions between those two were very high when they were dating, with Jared's constant involvement with Kim, who was also dating Mark at the time. She held some hard feelings toward Kim for a while, but now they're back on good terms...
Rick- Currently likes/liked Rose. He used to like Kim, and was formerly Kim's boyfriend. The 'guy from her church'.
Kenny- One of Jared's friends. Friends with Kim. Though they once dated, and it hardly lasted a a week. They still remain friends.
Samuel- A guy. Called 'Sammie' by girl-ish nickname. A guy-friend of Kim who started going to her small-town school, his former Christian-Private-School innocence destroyed by public school. Sammica, Sammie... girly names are her nicknames for her. Used to live next door to Ella. A little bit of a sick sense of humor at times, yet admittedly, unfortunately, funny.
___________
I can't stand it anymore.
I have to do it. I'm going to hurt him more if I put it off. Or, maybe I'm just being selfish... gosh... I freakin' know I can make this work! I just gotta stop liking Mark. Which seems easier said than done. But I CAN control my emotions! It's not justified to break up with someone because you just want someone else. Because I can't keep my mind off of Mark. Even when I was with Jared! ON THE FREAKIN' FERRIS WHEEL. That is the Jared/Kim place! The first time he put his arm around me.... and Sherry was sitting right there. Just like how Mark and Kim kissed... on a ski-lift... and Rose was on the other seat... heh... wow, I do that a lot on suspended places with people sitting right next to me/guy... *sigh* I miss Rose... and her phone being turned on... it really feels like she moved now... *sigh*
I don't know what to do. Well, actually I do. In order to keep Jared happy, I would have to remain in a relationship with him, actually call him instead of trying to avoid him, and just... be there. And be a good girlfriend. WHO DOESN'T THINK SHE'S GOING TO EITHER CHEAT ON HIM OR BREAK HIS HEART IN SOME OTHER WAY.
I've hurt him before. Even when he didn't deserve it. I've said stupid things to him. But though he's had his share, I shouldn't just hurt him like that... It's not like he's forcing me to stay with him. I just can't let him go like that. But as you know, he's a friend. And even though I wanted to be with him a few times this year, maybe I did what Ella assumes she does. Projected my feelings on someone else. Back then... but even just a few weeks ago, I wanted to be with him again at the dance. But right after I knew Mark's friend, our awesome substitute teacher's younger brother (She's only 26... her younger brother goes to the same school as Mark and is in the same grade) was gone, THAT'S when my feelings for Jared hyped up. And I wanted him to dance with me. And I wanted his attention. And even though I was hurt that night because I thought he didn't want me, it seemed I was wrong, because we messaged each other, and we both decided to go out again.
How does that happen?!
In all honesty, I've been doubting trying this relationship again, since day 1. Our second (or third, if you wanna count the time I kept talking to him online...) try with this. (That debatably second time is an entirely different story...)
I didn't want to be like that quite yet with him. I wasn't ready, and I wasn't over Mark. It was my fault. And it's still my fault.
Like how Rose said she could see herself graduating here, because it had been the longest time she'd ever stayed in one place... (5 years...) and when she found out she had to move again, it made it all so much more real to me. So much sadder. Terribly so.
And so, even though Jared just jokingly mentioned something about '6 years later when I come to dinner and meet your parents...' and other details surrounding that... it just knocked things into perspective again. I hate that... constantly, constantly, I'm having moments that snap me back to something. Snap me back to reality. Back to the little land of dreams of mine... back to sanity... or insanity...
I can't believe I could hurt him like this. What am I gonna say?
"I'm sorry, but I'm still in love with Mark, even though he might not even like me anymore! And still hardly talks to me! When I call him... or see him in church... or even email him! I'm sorry, but bye!"
Yeah. Right.
I don't know... I could be honestly civilized... but... I... I don't want to hurt him. Even though it'll kill me to keep going with him, to have to end up kissing him, holding him, like he was my boyfriend again, the things I did as a 12 year old who only DREAMED of kissing and wrote about 'love'. I didn't know a thing. I still don't.
I can't believe myself... I already did this to Mark. To my other old boyfriends. Hurt them like that, even though they hardly knew. In sixth grade, I didn't know what having boyfriends and dating was. I just said 'let's go out' cuz I was desperate. Jared hooked us up. We were talking about being desperate for a boyfriend/girlfriend. And so there I was, with that kid's friend. I didn't yet admit I liked Jared then, but I guess it was weird... and then I flirted with this guy at my church. Because I was terrible back then. And I wasn't taking my relationship with Jared's friend seriously. I didn't know how yet. I was inexperienced and not used to having a commitment like that. I was just plain naiive. I'd been told I was flirtatious before. And I didn't understand. And I didn't want to like anyone. I just thought I was just talking... I HONESTLY didn't even realize what flirting was. I'm not even sure I get it quite yet.
And yet, I continued my stupidity. It led up to Jared. And I was going out with that kid from my church. Our youth group ended. I wouldn't see him unless I caught a glimpse of him at church. And I didn't go to first service then, so I wouldn't be able to see him anyway. And so when I started dating Jared for the first time, after admitting I liked him under sad circumstances (see 'Love: What It Means to Me'. The story about the a-hole friends comment, and little-kid variant playgrounds...). And so there we were. We dated the whole summer. This seems exactly like that.
Except it isn't at all.
Mark is constantly on my mind. He is my first boyfriend that I actually acted like a girlfriend with. The first boy who told me he loved me, called me pretty (outside my family...), and I felt attracted to in more than a crush-like manner. I was constantly trying to get him to communicate with him. We had a lot of similar interests. He had a subtle sense of humor, sometimes dark, at least playing games like Mafia and Killer (card roleplay games with... well, killers...), loved anime, INCLUDING Fruits Basket and Ouran High School Host Club, listened to Linkin Park (He listens to music according to his mood... which he stated, he listened to LP when he was depressed... but just the fact that he liked the band and listened to them without calling them a 'freakin' emo band' that 'only emos like', seemed to be enough for me...) and he was sad a lot... quiet... sensitive... yet, he was guy-ish too. Living with all his brother's. His family's split was tragical enough... his father's behavior as the cliche kinda 'rich guy who's always too busy with business' was just perfect. In so many ways, he resembled my mental romance novel boy. But I recently read something so applicable to me... on AvatarSpirit.Net, of all places. From a man who had his heart broken early, after a divorce of a two year marriage.
"At some point, you've got to let go of your fantasies and come back to the real world."
It seemed he didn't want to believe in love either, until it happened to him... which is understandable, considering his difficult position. I was playing girlfriend, while desperately wanting to help him. And yet, I wanted to just be his girlfriend too... after a while, I thought it got frustrating. I cried for him. I cried because I thought I messed up with him. Because he thought he hurt me, when he didn't. Because I pulled away from that kiss... it felt so awkward, my first kiss. It tasted weird too, if you want all honesty...
I kept snapping back to the real world in that relationship. And I said I loved him. But toward the end, everything seemed to be watering down... and I was getting involved, FAR too involved, with Jared, just online, just talking... but that was when him and I let ourselves go. We spoke so seriously online. I said I loved HIM, too, online. He said he loved me. I couldn't help but reciprocate. And truth be told, I wanted to... I do love him. I guess, just more in a platonic way, though. And though Mark and I are broken up, though I want us to be just friends, so I can still help him overcome whatever's going on, even though it seems so wrong to most people to be in any form of relationship with someone just to 'fix' them... I want to be with him.
Jared saw his future with me.
I saw my future with Mark. I dreamed about it, thought about it all the time while going out with him. I never doubted that we could work... even after all those years.
Though my heart longs for someone to be with forever, I was desperate to be so careful while going out with Mark. He'd done things a guy had never done before with me. Simple little things, normal things, you know? Put his arm around my waist, held my hand, then, when I decided it was uncomfortable to have him put his arm around my waist, he willingly moved to my shoulders, and I did the same. I didn't ever call him a dork. The only time I stereotyped him was back when Rose liked him, and plus, to us, it was a compliment, because we truly believed he was a (but mostly hot...) 'hawt emo guy'.
And he is. He really is.
But I like it... and I like him. Do I love him? I don't know...
I have so long to go. Even though, when I think about it, four years and I'll be in college. 10 and I'll be 23. So short... so little time... yet so much time. My teen years go fast. And slow. And I want someone to spend them with, but... is it time to find forever already? Do I really want that?
And what if I do something stupid? Will I go 9 months through school with no humor, background music, cute guys, attractive adoptive fathers for certain unborn children...? Will I do that? Would I do that? Would I go to a stupid party? And do something stupider? What will I mess up? How can I prevent it?
I don't wanna screw up either. Honestly, that's another subject entirely, and IF I ever got pregnant, and it was because I chose to do that with some guy, I'd have the child.
Just saying.
Anyway, back to the original topic.
*sigh*
I can't do this! I don't want to hurt my best guy friend, I don't know if Mark wants me back or if I'll stress him out, or if I'll ever learn to talk to him in a way that makes him want to talk to me with honest, truthful, long, liberating conversation, or if I'll ever be content with Jared as a boyfriend, or if I'll screw up, or if he'll try to make me screw up, or...
Gosh, I wish I lived in the age where none of this happened.
*sigh*
Oh well...
Lord, thank you for the people I know, for blessing me with the incredible people that I love. Please guide me through these difficult times... may I make decisions pleasing to you.
Amen.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella"
:'( <3 ^link to the song in the YT thing. credits to the person who made the vid. I don't own the song.
Such a sweet, tearjerking, sentimental song. About a father and his little 'Cinderella'. It is so sweet...
For a 13-year-old, I consider myself to be pretty sentimental, and really, really sappy. I'm not hard either. I'm not assertive, most of the time, and I'm mature in certain instances. Right now, this is just a really sentimental moment. I love my daddy... I don't know how people deal with losing someone like that, someone so close to them. Lately the house seems like it's been filled with some sort of... dryness. And I've always been scared of losing people close to me... and I've been scared about that a lot... I've never had anything come close, and I pray to God every night... always about my family, and my friends... but my family is so important to me. I wouldn't be here without God, of course, but I wouldn't be here without my parents. And my brother, oh my goodness, even if he's so strange (like me) and annoying sometimes (like me), I love him. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without them all. It's so hard for them when they have a lazy 13-year-old who spends her life on the internet most of the time...
I love my family.... I've gotta let them have some Cinderella moments more often.
Such a sweet, tearjerking, sentimental song. About a father and his little 'Cinderella'. It is so sweet...
For a 13-year-old, I consider myself to be pretty sentimental, and really, really sappy. I'm not hard either. I'm not assertive, most of the time, and I'm mature in certain instances. Right now, this is just a really sentimental moment. I love my daddy... I don't know how people deal with losing someone like that, someone so close to them. Lately the house seems like it's been filled with some sort of... dryness. And I've always been scared of losing people close to me... and I've been scared about that a lot... I've never had anything come close, and I pray to God every night... always about my family, and my friends... but my family is so important to me. I wouldn't be here without God, of course, but I wouldn't be here without my parents. And my brother, oh my goodness, even if he's so strange (like me) and annoying sometimes (like me), I love him. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without them all. It's so hard for them when they have a lazy 13-year-old who spends her life on the internet most of the time...
I love my family.... I've gotta let them have some Cinderella moments more often.
Friday, May 9, 2008
A Random 'Short Story?' What Love means to me
I was obsessed with writing Avatar: TLA romantic fanfictions that were so incredibly predictable and cliche and yet well-loved on Nick.com in late fifth grade. Yup. I loved the show, loved the canon ships. Then I liked Zutara.
Shipping, fanfics... never, never even close to what a real romantic relationship is.
As I grew older, I began rewatching those PG-13 romance comedies I didn't get when I was younger that I liked to watch anyway again. And I 'fell in love' with those movies again. And now I understood them. What the world thinks is love: sexual relationships, a whole bunch of cliche meetings, a real dependency on another human being to keep you on this earth; it isn't right either.
When I got involved in 'relationships', I was way too young, and you know what? Nobody honestly 'dates' when they're in sixth grade, even though some of my friends got in... really serious relationships when they were even younger, but you know what? No one really understands the concept yet. I flirted with some guy, and I was desperate for a boyfriend. So I dated them. I broke up with one, and I didn't even do it directly (had someone else tell them that), and then I went and did the same with the other guy. (Mind you, these weren't at the same time.)
This wasn't love either.
Middle school relationships should last at MOST 2 weeks top. But, that's not true anymore... at least for people who SOMEWHAT have a grasp on romantic love. Parents (at least good parents...) don't want their kids getting so involved at such a young age. Everyone's young and vunerable when they're... below the age of at least 28, but hey... everyone does it. That doesn't make it right though.
Going out with a best guy friend through the summer and never 'officially' breaking up with him: not real love either. Even though it felt so good... running around the library, chasing each other, giggling with each other, the notes passed in English. It was truly beautiful. I loved it... It was sweet and fluffy and cliche. Just like a movie...
Well, maybe it was real love. Love is friendship, romantic relationships, family love.
At a young age, we begin to comprehend things. As we get older, we're still the same. We're just comprehending 'more complicated things'. Like why the world is the way it is. As a Christian child, we learn what sin is. We learn what's right and wrong, we get sent to school, and our faith gets challenged all the time. We struggle to do the right thing. We search for ourselves, we search for other people, we get lost. Just like everyone else. God is the one who loves us. He created us, he created the world, he knows who we are, he made everyone and every beautiful thing around us. But we stray... and we have idols.
Meeting a guy at a youth trip doesn't make him a perfect Christian. Christians are humans. We make mistakes, we all sin... and, we all have moments where we're either mean to other people, or, we tear ourselves down. Sometimes, we get lost in little dreams and fantasies and our mental love story novel; mine was perfectly imperfect. Girl meets boy, boy who has some sort of problem that just seems terrible, and this boy is sensitive and listens to the same kind of music that girl listens to... girl helps boy overcome problems and girl and boy fall in love despite all conflict and... live as well as they possibly can together and love each other truly. Well... maybe that story lacked a lot. But when boy in real life meets girl in real life who doesn't have the perfect skill that can magically heal hearts and say the right words and speak comprehensibly all the time.
Girl obviously didn't expect that boy would be constantly holding her hand, which she liked... and then putting his arm around her waist. Something she didn't expect. And, boy who was probably... slightly overdramatic? Or maybe actually had a reason for what he said... but girl was extremely scared when boy told her his girlfriend held something against him. Girl is paranoid, and girl comes up with the worst possible reasons why this would be. Well... Girl learns that Boy never did anything wrong and he couldn't possibly hurt a fly. And girl firmly 'trusts' boy, even though she feels as though they go too fast too much... girl wants to be with boy more often, wants to talk to him, wants to call him all the time... Boy is not as socially forward as Girl. A little bit of a clash. A planned kiss on a ski lift. At least in Girl's mind. She didn't have too much guts just to kiss him on the cheek, even though she did... and then he kissed her on the lips. And maybe just a little too far... she didn't expect it. And her first kiss wasn't what she expected. It was rather awkward, and Girl talks too fast when she tries to explain why she broke the kiss... so quickly.
Boy thinks he hurt her.
Girl wishes he would talk to her and stop thinking he was doing something wrong... no matter how many times she'd said it, she knew in her heart that he wouldn't believe her. She would have been the same way...
Boy has stress at home.
Girl doesn't know what else is going on. She wants to know because she cares. She doubts herself too much. And so does Boy.
They end up breaking up. Or at least Boy does. And he still doesn't feel any better.
Girl is clueless and doesn't know what to say to Boy in order to fix everything. Multiple messages on Boy's cellphone don't do much, and an endless freeverse email filled with emotion doesn't do much... Boy regrets the breakup, girl reciprocates, yet Boy still feels... that he can't handle it. Girl... isn't heartbroken. Girl wishes she would've said more, even though she thinks she may have said too much.
Love... is all of this, and none of some of it. Love is the friends who talk to you when you're feeling down, and the people you call when you're dorkily spazz-happy and when you just want to rant and tell them everything. Love is your mom and dad, or whoever is a parent to you. The ones who teach you right from wrong, and make you who you are. The people you can talk to and trust and love you for you and would never reject you even when you're all struggling to keep your heads on straight. Love is that annoying younger sibling who secretly looks up to you and learns (negative and positve) everything from watching you as a kid. That annoying younger sibling whom you give your 'words of wisdom' to about their 'future'. The one you tell to get out of your room while you're on the phone. And yet the one you wouldn't know what to do without. Love is the guy who shows you true love. And isn't just in it because they think you're hot, or because they want to get to another girl through you, or because they were dared to ask you out. It's hard to find an honest-to-goodness good guy in the world we live in, but... there are men out there who truly love women for who they are, and who they are in God. And who have morals.
And the most important of all... God's love. God's love, is extraordinary, and no other love can top it. He CREATED us. He loves us, even though we sin. So much, that he sent his son to earth to DIE for our sins, so we could come live with him in Heaven. He created the earth, and he heals us and comforts us when we are wounded. His love is incredible.
That is what Love is...
Shipping, fanfics... never, never even close to what a real romantic relationship is.
As I grew older, I began rewatching those PG-13 romance comedies I didn't get when I was younger that I liked to watch anyway again. And I 'fell in love' with those movies again. And now I understood them. What the world thinks is love: sexual relationships, a whole bunch of cliche meetings, a real dependency on another human being to keep you on this earth; it isn't right either.
When I got involved in 'relationships', I was way too young, and you know what? Nobody honestly 'dates' when they're in sixth grade, even though some of my friends got in... really serious relationships when they were even younger, but you know what? No one really understands the concept yet. I flirted with some guy, and I was desperate for a boyfriend. So I dated them. I broke up with one, and I didn't even do it directly (had someone else tell them that), and then I went and did the same with the other guy. (Mind you, these weren't at the same time.)
This wasn't love either.
Middle school relationships should last at MOST 2 weeks top. But, that's not true anymore... at least for people who SOMEWHAT have a grasp on romantic love. Parents (at least good parents...) don't want their kids getting so involved at such a young age. Everyone's young and vunerable when they're... below the age of at least 28, but hey... everyone does it. That doesn't make it right though.
Going out with a best guy friend through the summer and never 'officially' breaking up with him: not real love either. Even though it felt so good... running around the library, chasing each other, giggling with each other, the notes passed in English. It was truly beautiful. I loved it... It was sweet and fluffy and cliche. Just like a movie...
Well, maybe it was real love. Love is friendship, romantic relationships, family love.
At a young age, we begin to comprehend things. As we get older, we're still the same. We're just comprehending 'more complicated things'. Like why the world is the way it is. As a Christian child, we learn what sin is. We learn what's right and wrong, we get sent to school, and our faith gets challenged all the time. We struggle to do the right thing. We search for ourselves, we search for other people, we get lost. Just like everyone else. God is the one who loves us. He created us, he created the world, he knows who we are, he made everyone and every beautiful thing around us. But we stray... and we have idols.
Meeting a guy at a youth trip doesn't make him a perfect Christian. Christians are humans. We make mistakes, we all sin... and, we all have moments where we're either mean to other people, or, we tear ourselves down. Sometimes, we get lost in little dreams and fantasies and our mental love story novel; mine was perfectly imperfect. Girl meets boy, boy who has some sort of problem that just seems terrible, and this boy is sensitive and listens to the same kind of music that girl listens to... girl helps boy overcome problems and girl and boy fall in love despite all conflict and... live as well as they possibly can together and love each other truly. Well... maybe that story lacked a lot. But when boy in real life meets girl in real life who doesn't have the perfect skill that can magically heal hearts and say the right words and speak comprehensibly all the time.
Girl obviously didn't expect that boy would be constantly holding her hand, which she liked... and then putting his arm around her waist. Something she didn't expect. And, boy who was probably... slightly overdramatic? Or maybe actually had a reason for what he said... but girl was extremely scared when boy told her his girlfriend held something against him. Girl is paranoid, and girl comes up with the worst possible reasons why this would be. Well... Girl learns that Boy never did anything wrong and he couldn't possibly hurt a fly. And girl firmly 'trusts' boy, even though she feels as though they go too fast too much... girl wants to be with boy more often, wants to talk to him, wants to call him all the time... Boy is not as socially forward as Girl. A little bit of a clash. A planned kiss on a ski lift. At least in Girl's mind. She didn't have too much guts just to kiss him on the cheek, even though she did... and then he kissed her on the lips. And maybe just a little too far... she didn't expect it. And her first kiss wasn't what she expected. It was rather awkward, and Girl talks too fast when she tries to explain why she broke the kiss... so quickly.
Boy thinks he hurt her.
Girl wishes he would talk to her and stop thinking he was doing something wrong... no matter how many times she'd said it, she knew in her heart that he wouldn't believe her. She would have been the same way...
Boy has stress at home.
Girl doesn't know what else is going on. She wants to know because she cares. She doubts herself too much. And so does Boy.
They end up breaking up. Or at least Boy does. And he still doesn't feel any better.
Girl is clueless and doesn't know what to say to Boy in order to fix everything. Multiple messages on Boy's cellphone don't do much, and an endless freeverse email filled with emotion doesn't do much... Boy regrets the breakup, girl reciprocates, yet Boy still feels... that he can't handle it. Girl... isn't heartbroken. Girl wishes she would've said more, even though she thinks she may have said too much.
Love... is all of this, and none of some of it. Love is the friends who talk to you when you're feeling down, and the people you call when you're dorkily spazz-happy and when you just want to rant and tell them everything. Love is your mom and dad, or whoever is a parent to you. The ones who teach you right from wrong, and make you who you are. The people you can talk to and trust and love you for you and would never reject you even when you're all struggling to keep your heads on straight. Love is that annoying younger sibling who secretly looks up to you and learns (negative and positve) everything from watching you as a kid. That annoying younger sibling whom you give your 'words of wisdom' to about their 'future'. The one you tell to get out of your room while you're on the phone. And yet the one you wouldn't know what to do without. Love is the guy who shows you true love. And isn't just in it because they think you're hot, or because they want to get to another girl through you, or because they were dared to ask you out. It's hard to find an honest-to-goodness good guy in the world we live in, but... there are men out there who truly love women for who they are, and who they are in God. And who have morals.
And the most important of all... God's love. God's love, is extraordinary, and no other love can top it. He CREATED us. He loves us, even though we sin. So much, that he sent his son to earth to DIE for our sins, so we could come live with him in Heaven. He created the earth, and he heals us and comforts us when we are wounded. His love is incredible.
That is what Love is...
I have a snapvine.+random stuffs
Snapvine-
http://www.snapvine.com/profile/R14mGvX1EdyBiAAwSFsPiA
^That es me.
Anyway... yeah. *sigh* I have many unnecessary and random voice blogs+voice blogs that aren't random and unnecessary... but whateverz. I like recording cuz you don't have to type anything, even though I'm not that bad a typer.
I'm going to write up a song/freeverse poem (again) (MY FIRST POST BREAK-UP SONG, EGAD! about... erm... "Mark". *sigh*
I wish you were here
When I watched the sunset tonight
It's a beautiful thing, something that God definitely made
I know it's hard to have faith sometimes, but it's what the world needs
It's what we all need
I wish you knew
How much you mean to me
I wish that I could take away your pain and confusion
I know that the Lord can
But I wish that I could do something more
I wish that you didn't feel like you were going to collapse under stress
I wish you didn't have any stress
It's a selfish thing, really
How much I wish you were here
Maybe it's just for me
Maybe it's for you
I want you near me
And I want to be near you
I still love you...
Humans are imperfect
And even with your 'flaws'
I still love you
I wish you were here tonight
I wish I could hold you
I wish that we would have kissed
Just one more time
Maybe we should've stayed in the church library
And done that one last time
So my first kiss didn't have to be my last with you
I thank you for giving that to me
'Surest Petal' became true
I still haven't forgotten the little things you said and did.
I still haven't forgotten your resemblence to the guy I dreamed about
I still haven't forgotten you.
I still care
I still love you
I know you have a heart, I know that you're not guilty
I know that this isn't your fault, and whatever's going on, it will end
There's a little at the end of every tunnel.
Put your faith in God
He loves you and he's here for you.
He's waiting for your call.
And I'm not more significant
But I'm still here too
I'm waiting for you
Patiently
And if you never talk to me again
Please don't forget what's most important in your life.
*sings* I miss you......
And there's my song/freeverse poem that I could possibly make into a song. *sighz* Thassall for tonight.
http://www.snapvine.com/profile/R14mGvX1EdyBiAAwSFsPiA
^That es me.
Anyway... yeah. *sigh* I have many unnecessary and random voice blogs+voice blogs that aren't random and unnecessary... but whateverz. I like recording cuz you don't have to type anything, even though I'm not that bad a typer.
I'm going to write up a song/freeverse poem (again) (MY FIRST POST BREAK-UP SONG, EGAD! about... erm... "Mark". *sigh*
I wish you were here
When I watched the sunset tonight
It's a beautiful thing, something that God definitely made
I know it's hard to have faith sometimes, but it's what the world needs
It's what we all need
I wish you knew
How much you mean to me
I wish that I could take away your pain and confusion
I know that the Lord can
But I wish that I could do something more
I wish that you didn't feel like you were going to collapse under stress
I wish you didn't have any stress
It's a selfish thing, really
How much I wish you were here
Maybe it's just for me
Maybe it's for you
I want you near me
And I want to be near you
I still love you...
Humans are imperfect
And even with your 'flaws'
I still love you
I wish you were here tonight
I wish I could hold you
I wish that we would have kissed
Just one more time
Maybe we should've stayed in the church library
And done that one last time
So my first kiss didn't have to be my last with you
I thank you for giving that to me
'Surest Petal' became true
I still haven't forgotten the little things you said and did.
I still haven't forgotten your resemblence to the guy I dreamed about
I still haven't forgotten you.
I still care
I still love you
I know you have a heart, I know that you're not guilty
I know that this isn't your fault, and whatever's going on, it will end
There's a little at the end of every tunnel.
Put your faith in God
He loves you and he's here for you.
He's waiting for your call.
And I'm not more significant
But I'm still here too
I'm waiting for you
Patiently
And if you never talk to me again
Please don't forget what's most important in your life.
*sings* I miss you......
And there's my song/freeverse poem that I could possibly make into a song. *sighz* Thassall for tonight.
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