(reflection-y-rant-thing; probably serious) ...a person, not a problem.

That's what I'm trying to remind myself. Now that I think of it, that saying up there could be applied to a lot of things. Like one of the issues I seem to care so much about. Man, so many thought... just tumbling into another... It's always hard to focus on what I originally wanted to write about, once I get a thought-snowball like that.

I think I'll seperate my character flaws/whatever I should call them/negative thoughts into external and internal. External is stuff I could express out loud to someone that might be hurtful/frustrating/anger-inducing or what I do express out loud. Internal is a struggle that goes on within me, which could be self-exteem, or purely spiritual, like temptations, or just something that I personally think is screwed up in me.

I will admit, I can be really stupid and mean in my head. To other people. I would totally... well, I wouldn't kill, but I'd do something extreme just to be as sensitive as was about two to three years ago. Without being lost spiritually, anyway. I had the best empathy on earth. I guess I say that a lot, and that makes me think I'm whiney, like how I complain about my weight all the time, ignore how my friends say I'm not fat, and how I don't exercise hardly enough even after a day of enough snacks to match the three, carb-heavy, meals that I eat every day.

Sometimes I forget that my friends are more than just the issues that I see they have. I think that's the problem anyway. I can't find a balance, just like I can't with my self-perception. If I'm too friendly and ignore whatever's going on in their life and just don't say a word about it as I watch them go farther and farther from where they could, should, would be, it's just... not good. Sometimes we have to break our friends rules and intervene. Or at least try. And then if I'm too analytical or too talkative about their issues, they hate me for it. There is never a happy medium for the way I act. I cling to some friends. I never bring up whatever's going wrong in their life unless they do. I cling to some friends, and then I feel responsibility to others. If I don't talk to them in a while, I feel guilty, because what if their situation got worse? Or what if... what if, what if, what if. And it's like I'm not talking to them because I want to talk to them. And sometimes I'm like an information addict with my friends. A lot of the time, I'm curious at to what they have to say. And each time I find out something new about them, I have such a great feeling, like I'm more and more trusted. And then, I realize, I don't deserve trust, because I've betrayed their secrets before, even if it was just a crush, which it usually is. And then serious things, I don't let anyone else know. I have, I think, about two friends who willingly come to me with their problems and accept the words I say to them in response. It's not always just advice, sometimes it's just... I dunno. My responses. I feel so invasive sometimes. I know I am sometimes. Sometimes I'm genuinely concerned. Usually it's trivial things I'm invasive about, like boys and crushes. I try not to push so hard on serious issues. Only when they bring them up. They're people, not issues, not problems... these things either don't define them at all, or entirely make them who they are. If they're not taking charge, if they're not letting God in, or anyone else who tries to help.

I don't think I can be a co-dependent, because my family hasn't had the kind of issues that makes a person a co-dependent. Either that, or I'm ridiculously unorthodox. I don't fit all the symptoms either. I usually go up for personal responsibility when it comes to a person's actions, even if they have a mental disorder, which might ruin my chances of becoming a psychologist... I mean, things can be distorted when one has a disorder, but that doesn't mean one should not take responsibility for those actions. I don't even know where I got my basis, it's just my current thoughts. I wasn't always that way. But I'm such a hypocrite. What if... I just had something to blame on all of my wrong thoughts and actions? Not even another person, but just something within myself that "made" me act the way I did? What sick person wishes that? Even thinks of it? It's like sin--Satan tempts, but we commit the action of sin. No one, not even the evilest force "makes" us sin. It's just the way we are... and we have the choice, to bless or curse. To live or die spiritually.

I'll never wish this short life over before it's time again, but I just wish I could get a total mental makeover. I wish I could be the person who could balance, and the one that God wants me to be. I have to work though. Just like my whining problems, I've just gotta work... really, really hard.

Prayer requests again to my believing friends (You don't have to; it's just requests):

-My former piano-teaching friend in Kazahkstan, who is teaching English there. That she remains safe and reaches out the best way she can for the Lord in the country.
-A man who lost his cousin recently, to suicide. For the family and everyone.
-The country. We're lost, but we can be found again. That all will turn to God even more.

((Happy Late American Independence Day, guys. :) ))
And now I feel better after writing all this stuff. It wasn't good to write, but I feel better... I really do care about you guys, my friends. I love you guys so much. I'm amazed how you can put up with me all the time. You guys are the greatest people I've ever met, and I really don't know where I'd be without you. I thank God for you everyday.

Because I'm lazy and it's Summer...

The link I have on Snapvine (voice blog whateverz site) is in the link of the title. Click it, AND DON'T LISTEN TO ME SINGING!!!! BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY SUCK RIGHT NOW! I'm going to re-record me singing and maybe edit it on here later.

Anyway, HIIIIII! I'm really sorry I haven't updated in forever!

If you've recentely read Leah's blog, about the Remedy Drive and Children 18:3 concert, you should. It's a pretty sufficient summary of that AWESOME concert! XD Also, I touched Dave's sweaty arm... heheheheh. Leah and I are going to be decidedly groupie-ish/fangirl-y of Remedy Drive now. XD No offense to Nattie. I love Nathaniel. :)

Well... IT IS SUMMER! I got out on Friday, June 5th, which was a day of pretty much nothing academically related except for the eighth grade graduation, which was hardly anything like that. XD It was AWESOME though. The teachers are HILARIOUS; they filmed skits of how they would remember us eighth graders, and it was loaded with inside jokes, but it was so funny. I suppose I like my small-town school for that. We can all make fun of each other, and just have it be... fun. And everyone can be close enough to their teachers, you know? It's pretty cool. :)

Like I said, I'll be gone this Thursday-Monday. June 11th through June 14. Ella (mymindisagraveyard-deadthingsareinit.blogspot.com) will also be gone then. :) It's gonna be pretty awesome. XD The girl's cabin trip with my youth-y group-y stuffs. :3 :D

Hopefully, it won't be so cold and wet then so we can enjoy our time on the lake and everything. :D I enjoy life. XD :)

Anyway, it's been pretty good lately. Just giving ya'll a little update. I might be posting some fiction/poetry sometime soon. :) Also, I'd like to advise you to visit this blog:

http://thisdreamthing.blogspot.com/

It's Ella's new blog. I know alllll about her dream, so it's safe to say: GOOD DREAM, GOOD STORY, YOU MUST READ IT. :D :)

Anyway, thanks for reading guys! Love you all! God bless! :)

~Aly

(Anyway, I gave up on singing Say When by The Fray. Here's me sucking again.
http://www.snapvine.com/sb/b94d4aa8544a11de979b0030485b0f88?user=475e261af5f511dc81880030485b0f88

Strawberry Swing by Coldplay. Yeah... it sounds like I have a cold or something like that... xP *sigh* Oh well. Maybe you can find the good in this singing suckiness, because I can't. xP I'm probably going to keep singing on my Snapvine today, though... maybe I'll get better with some 'practice'. Love you all again! God bless! :) )