(reflection-y-rant-thing; probably serious) ...a person, not a problem.

That's what I'm trying to remind myself. Now that I think of it, that saying up there could be applied to a lot of things. Like one of the issues I seem to care so much about. Man, so many thought... just tumbling into another... It's always hard to focus on what I originally wanted to write about, once I get a thought-snowball like that.

I think I'll seperate my character flaws/whatever I should call them/negative thoughts into external and internal. External is stuff I could express out loud to someone that might be hurtful/frustrating/anger-inducing or what I do express out loud. Internal is a struggle that goes on within me, which could be self-exteem, or purely spiritual, like temptations, or just something that I personally think is screwed up in me.

I will admit, I can be really stupid and mean in my head. To other people. I would totally... well, I wouldn't kill, but I'd do something extreme just to be as sensitive as was about two to three years ago. Without being lost spiritually, anyway. I had the best empathy on earth. I guess I say that a lot, and that makes me think I'm whiney, like how I complain about my weight all the time, ignore how my friends say I'm not fat, and how I don't exercise hardly enough even after a day of enough snacks to match the three, carb-heavy, meals that I eat every day.

Sometimes I forget that my friends are more than just the issues that I see they have. I think that's the problem anyway. I can't find a balance, just like I can't with my self-perception. If I'm too friendly and ignore whatever's going on in their life and just don't say a word about it as I watch them go farther and farther from where they could, should, would be, it's just... not good. Sometimes we have to break our friends rules and intervene. Or at least try. And then if I'm too analytical or too talkative about their issues, they hate me for it. There is never a happy medium for the way I act. I cling to some friends. I never bring up whatever's going wrong in their life unless they do. I cling to some friends, and then I feel responsibility to others. If I don't talk to them in a while, I feel guilty, because what if their situation got worse? Or what if... what if, what if, what if. And it's like I'm not talking to them because I want to talk to them. And sometimes I'm like an information addict with my friends. A lot of the time, I'm curious at to what they have to say. And each time I find out something new about them, I have such a great feeling, like I'm more and more trusted. And then, I realize, I don't deserve trust, because I've betrayed their secrets before, even if it was just a crush, which it usually is. And then serious things, I don't let anyone else know. I have, I think, about two friends who willingly come to me with their problems and accept the words I say to them in response. It's not always just advice, sometimes it's just... I dunno. My responses. I feel so invasive sometimes. I know I am sometimes. Sometimes I'm genuinely concerned. Usually it's trivial things I'm invasive about, like boys and crushes. I try not to push so hard on serious issues. Only when they bring them up. They're people, not issues, not problems... these things either don't define them at all, or entirely make them who they are. If they're not taking charge, if they're not letting God in, or anyone else who tries to help.

I don't think I can be a co-dependent, because my family hasn't had the kind of issues that makes a person a co-dependent. Either that, or I'm ridiculously unorthodox. I don't fit all the symptoms either. I usually go up for personal responsibility when it comes to a person's actions, even if they have a mental disorder, which might ruin my chances of becoming a psychologist... I mean, things can be distorted when one has a disorder, but that doesn't mean one should not take responsibility for those actions. I don't even know where I got my basis, it's just my current thoughts. I wasn't always that way. But I'm such a hypocrite. What if... I just had something to blame on all of my wrong thoughts and actions? Not even another person, but just something within myself that "made" me act the way I did? What sick person wishes that? Even thinks of it? It's like sin--Satan tempts, but we commit the action of sin. No one, not even the evilest force "makes" us sin. It's just the way we are... and we have the choice, to bless or curse. To live or die spiritually.

I'll never wish this short life over before it's time again, but I just wish I could get a total mental makeover. I wish I could be the person who could balance, and the one that God wants me to be. I have to work though. Just like my whining problems, I've just gotta work... really, really hard.

Prayer requests again to my believing friends (You don't have to; it's just requests):

-My former piano-teaching friend in Kazahkstan, who is teaching English there. That she remains safe and reaches out the best way she can for the Lord in the country.
-A man who lost his cousin recently, to suicide. For the family and everyone.
-The country. We're lost, but we can be found again. That all will turn to God even more.

((Happy Late American Independence Day, guys. :) ))
And now I feel better after writing all this stuff. It wasn't good to write, but I feel better... I really do care about you guys, my friends. I love you guys so much. I'm amazed how you can put up with me all the time. You guys are the greatest people I've ever met, and I really don't know where I'd be without you. I thank God for you everyday.

Man, I need to start getting creative with these titles... (dates, poem, rant, etc.)

Yeah, I really do. Thanks guys so much for reading my blog like you do! I just thought I'd update a bit on life (probably gonna get into some more ventlike poetry at some point, though... heh. *sigh).

You guys still rock for reading this when I update so incredibly sporadically.

Well, I have... five days of school left. I have a few assignments left to do, but today was the big day for all the main meat assignments in my main classes, which is very, very good. I am so relieved to be over with all that. I have some english finals and other tests next week, but I'm not so spazzed out over all of that. I should probably be studying though... heh. I don't study much. I get alright grades (A's and B's mostly), but I could study more... things used to come so naturally to me when I was younger, but now... meh.

Ah well. Hmm... Well, it's WAAAY past the date, but my one year Blog-a-versary came around on May 5 of this month, which is almost over.

Other important dates:

My parents' 16th anneversary came on May 25. Weehoo! :D

And... Tommorrow, is my one-month annaversary of dating Nathaniel the Awesome. :)

He is a really amazing person, with incredible writing talent, so kind, so smart, and always, always makes me smile. So thank you Nathaniel. :)

Some other dates:

June 11-14- I will be gone on a girls' cabin trip with some girls in my youth group. We're going up to someone's family cabin and hangin' out there for those four days, and I'm pretty sure it'll be cool. :)

And in July at some point (keep you guys posted later), I'll be going on a trip with my youth group to Colorado, to a cabin in the mountains, for a retreat. It'll be really interesting, so, like the mission trip to Rapid City, South Dakota last year, I might post a bit about that before and after.

And this Sunday, May 31st, I will be going to this radio show's 20th year annaversary "Open House" at one of the churches in the city nearby, where the band that played at Districts Blitz (the Christian conference deal I attended this year, and the last, and the last...) REMEDY DRIVE will be playing.

Remedy Drive is amazing. Just sayin'. Look 'em up cuz they rock. I have two of the dudes' autographs and they are AMAZING.

I love Remedy Drive.

Anyway...

To that poetry I was talking about.

Love you guys! God bless! <3 ^^ :) Once again, I must say, you all rock. :)

To Vent

People apologize after letting out
That explosion they've held in
Loud yelling, screaming, typing
Swearing
Just to let it all out.
But if they've been holding it in,
Well, let them let it out.
It's not good to suppress,
The negative
Emotions that we feel.
To hide the negativity
Inside, and let it boil up
To explode onto someone undeserving, unassociated, and unnecessarily.
Let it out.
There's a listening ear,
Up Above,
And I'm here to.
Let it go, let it out.
Let me know. I won't mind.
You can vent into your pillow,
Your diary, your blog.
Or tell it to a friend,
Willing to listen, without a word,
If that is what you need.
And as I've said, I'm here too,
A friend to talk to.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

I guess that's it for today. I don't really have anything I need to vent myself, so... yeah. I love all of you guys! God bless you! <3 *huggles everyone* You are all awesome individuals. :)

I know ya'll pro'lly wanna hear abou the wedding, but... (vent/rantpost.o.e confuzzlingpost)

For starters, the wedding was great. There was an after party for the after party of the after party. All three parties and the wedding were cool. And my cousins pwn you.





Anyway, now to my dumb stupid emotions no one really wants to hear about... okay, maybe I'm wrong...





*hugs* I love you guys. *sigh*





School started today. I missed most of the day, due to my flight coming in.





But everyone seemed pretty nice. And it seems like I didn't screw up my friendship with Jared as much as I thought I had...








Okay, and NOW, to stop avoiding talking.





(Hm, I wonder where my guidance counselor's office is now... the school's office is all like, rearranged... o.e )








Okay.





Combination of sixth grade... and... well, you know what, no. It's all outside school. Everyone's got problems already.





-----------------


I was interrupted. By my parents. Talking about a lovely new routine. *sigh* Why couldn't I just let myself be inspired by them and their academic excellence, even though their families were... erm... (put nicely), different than my own.

*sigh*


In so many ways, I'm selfish and self-centered, and vain, and cold. And I create my own problems. And maybe, somewhere deep in the caverns of my weird, screwed-up mind, I just wanna study psychology/psychiatry(yes, psychiatrymaybenow) so I can say I have a mental disorder, get pills, and feel fixed. Actually, that wouldn't even work. If that's what I really think. Which I'm sure I don't... but some part of me... might? Now I'm confusing myself! Maybe I'll just drive myself insane... xPP



Anyway, I'm also either mellowdramatic/sacrificial/right? . I don't know. You know how in the Bible, one of the apostles (I don't remember which... ) speaks about how blessing and cursing come from the tongue. How a stream that produces freshwater cannot produce saltwater, or something similar to that.



I have that. A lot. And it shouldn't be.



It's not just my mouth. It's my mind. I confuse myself sometimes. I try to figure myself out, when a part of me knows the truth, while the others try to think of other things.



I have horrible self-esteem. Some people might not know that.



I hate my body a lot sometimes. I just think I'm ugly sometimes. And it's wrong. God made me. He made everything about me. I should pray more. I should lean on God more. But so many times I get so dang close to falling into that pit of temptation. And it's always within myself. No one else's fault.



No one's ever told me I'm worthless, no one's ever told me I'm fat, or ugly, or stupid, or that I was a bad person. Everyone even says I---
-------------------
Gah. Interrupted. More. So, I started this entry yesterday, and didn't finish it, and I don't feel like it.

But, I did feel like posting it. I'm praying for everyone else right now and their beginning-of-school-issues. My issues are dead today. I feel fine.

Meh. So bipolar I am.



Sooooooooo...

Nothing epical happened for me today at school. I finished my homework during school. The schedule's weird, but that's okay.

Hot N Cold by Katy Perry is addicting. o.e Gawsh, I hated her first single... but she's so contagious! D:< GAH!

Anyway... yeah. *sigh* Love you guys. God Bless. :) Sorry for this confusing entry. I just really wanted to update for you all... even though you probably didn't want to hear me angst on here...

Randomness. Rant. Life. Thoughts. Today. Yeah.

My creativity died in that title...

Anyway, I'd like to let ya'll know, I'ma be pretty much not on very often starting tommorrow, due to being in DC for my cousin's wedding on Tuesday, and after that, on September 2nd, when our plane gets back, I'll be heading to school. o.e Which kinda sucks.

But I'm sure the wedding will be awesomely... ^^

I am really looking forward to this now. I'm gonna see relatives I haven't seen for years, and all that good stuff... and...

*sighs*

Okay, secretly, I really wanna find someone to dance with at the reception. That's one of my eveel boy crazy goals.

xP

Hopefully not related to me. O.O Most likely not... we don't have a lot of guys in the family that aren't about 18 years older than me or anything more than my brother's age. o.e

Anyway... *sigh*

Today I thought about Rose. And Mark. And Jared. I really miss 'em all...

Mark's probably spazzed out because he couldn't make it to the BD party. It wasn't his fault he couldn't make it... *sigh*

I put some more songs on my playlist for Rose... heh. You know, stuff like the stuff we used to sing back in summer of '06, after I discovered MUSIC!, when I talked to her daily for hours upon hours on the phone... good times. *sigh*

Teen Titans fanvids. D': I miss her... *sigh* :'( *cries*

I saw Jared while running errands today. o.e He was with his friend, who has the same name as 'Kim's' brother, David. (Had a crush on him in fifth grade... LOOOONNNGGG story, not to be told right now) Meh. I waved awkwardly, like I was confused/PO'd or something, and then went into the post office and did my post-office duties and all dat.

I was so tempted to just walk over and talk to them...

So that's what I planned, after I went to get my books and return them to the library. And they were gone already, of course. David and Jared have been hangin' out a heck of a lot this summer. *sighs*

I still feel like I screwed things up between Jared and I. Maybe I'm wrong... but I just hope things go well this schoolyear. I still wanna be friends with him. And I'll feel quite hurt if he starts acting like a jerk to me this year.

Ugh. Maybe I SHOULD stay away from guys... but I just can't decide. I think it'd be healthier if I just had a crush on someone... then I'd just watch them, and think about them, and not about M-Word and every hawt guy I ever see... xP I've become too vain, I think. *sigh* I don't care about how a person looks if I date them. But I now know what the world thinks makes someone attractive...

But I guess I still don't care. I have my own preferences. Heh... *sigh*

I'm sighing a lot. o.e

xP I think I'm at the very beginning of falling in... like I'm walking toward the edge that makes you swept in the world, but being pulled back and forth from right and wrong, and I KNOW what's right, and wrong, yet I contemplate them. But I always stop myself before I get in.

Even though my humor has become increasingly crude. And I'm contemplating tolerance on certain issues that I know are wrong. I love God. And I need to focus. I can't go through life without God. That would kill. I wouldn't BE here if I didn't have faith in Him. I wouldn't be ALIVE if he wasn't there. Nor would anyone else...

xP

The most frustrating, depressing, GAH! D:< (ish a face) boards ever:

http://forums.avatarspirit.net/index.php?board=2.0


xPPPP (xP= also a face)

Granted, I learned a lot about certain events from those threads, but still. D:< GAH.

xP

Please don't shoot me for being immature about this right now... *sigh*
*changessubject*


I AM SO EXCITED FOR DC NOW!

I really wanna see my cousins and everyone. Though it'll be awkward to have more of those cheek-pinching aunts you really don't know who go all "Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" when they see me... o.e But everything will be good. ^^

:)

Well, school's comin' up... Good luck to all. God Bless. :) ^^

~Aly-chan, "Kim"

Rambling rant rants about stuffs

New characters-

The Church Group Kids- These are the people who I go to youth group and Sunday School with. The only person I ever got SUPER close to there, was Rose, and I got somewhat close to Mark, I suppose. I know a lot about everyone there, and they're my friends. They are close to me, and I pray for them, and I care for them. They're really awesome, and come from different schools in the nearby city, and they're all pretty close to each other too. The group spans (in the summer, when youth group is out) from kids out of sixth grade, and going into ninth grade. In the schoolyear, the grades for middle school ministries spans from sixth through eighth grade.

Bella and Edward- (I gave them these codenames, because they have names relevant to the Twilight series, though they definitely aren't these names, though they might as well be...) A couple whom has been going out for 14 months, and are going into ninth grade.

Bella- A girl going into ninth grade who goes to the church, and is an amazing person, whom takes her boyfriend everywhere. (and her father follows them as well...) She's close to her father, and her caring boyfriend. She once had an obssessive crush on him, writing hers and his name in a youth retreat devotional booklet in hearts as her 'notes'. She likes writing, and is close to her friends, can have a bit of an attitude, and is really an individual person.

Edward- A boy who plays guitar, has awesome hair, and is (unfortunatelyforthosewhosecretlyfangirlspazzoverhim) boyfriend to Bella. He is extremely dedicated to her. He may be silent at times, but once he opens up, one realizes that he is a great guy, funny, and obviously dedicated to Bella.

Macy (remind me if I've used this name already... ^^")- She plays bass, she's 17, and she was homeschooled up until 10th grade. She goes to a Christian school now, and wishes she could cut her uniform skirt... She's very youthful and innocent in some ways, and in other ways, she is an intense, dark, intriguing artist. She writes amazing stories and lyrics, and draws incredible pictures, and has a wild imagination, due to being raised off of drama/sci-fi's, and Star Wars, and likes most sci-fi things. She is an incredible person that I admire and sympathize toward, during her family life at times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm no longer addicted to soft rock. However, there is no lacking of fluffy love songs, however, I do still love my soft rock. And old Coldplay. And Anna Nalick, and Ingrid Michaelson, and all them peoplez.

Anyway, my newer-ish music interests, or revivals... or just further interests... are stemmed from mix CDs of Christian Rock/Metal that this dude from my church, Ed (who is absolutely hothothothothohtohot), made for us to ride on the rides to and from wherever we went in our big vans during travel, like the eight hour trip from MN to SD. The music was great. And I had a ton of stuff I wanted to look up after I'd heard both (or however many... ) of the CDs there were.

I suddenly fell in love with some of the Skillet songs I'd heard over and over from one of my other friends, Macy, made me listen to. And Flyleaf. And learned about some other awesomesauce Christian rock-ish bands, like FM Static... and hearing all the guys in the back singing 'Love Addict' by Family Force 5 was hilarious and rockin'sauce. Though it annoyed most of the other guys.

So, I like rock-i-er-ish-item-music-thing right now. But still a lot of Alt. Rock. But more things like Flyleaf, and Paramore, music like that. And new modern-y-ish stuff too... but I've almost completely rid my music of hip-hop/rap. And I skip most of my Linkin Park songs right now too. O: Which is kinda sad. But they're negative and all that... I use most of that music for my characters and other people who listen to it all the time. Kris has been obssessing over the YouTube playlist I made for the roleplay we're both in, and she finally finished listening to it today, or at least I think she did. It has 86 songs on it, I believe. But, of course, YT deleted some of the vids, like YT does, so I've gotta go edit at some point... (xP toopid procrastination/laziness disorder.)

*sigh* I'm listening to Tonight by FM Static. It is sad. Especially with the movie it's using in the vid. (A Walk To Remember... I really need to watch that... we have all these movies that we own, yet I don't ever watch them... so I gotta do that with this one... )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg45rOnbnCA

^teh vid

I love that song. It is so sad... I had an idea of what it meant... the guy falls in love with a girl, and she witnesses to him, and they're in love, and she dies, and it's sad... :'(

But I love it... *sniff* :'(

Well, at least that's how the movie seems right now...

Anyvayz, I just thought I'd leave a random blog. God Bless you all! :) <3333

~Aly-chan

*yawnz* Maybe I should go back to sleep... (Mission Trip rantness)

I'm tired cuz I got up at 7. Is that not pathetic? *sigh* *yaaaaaaaaaawn* Tiredness. Dx

Anyways, I decided to post a blog this morning. About... I dunno, we'll see.

I did one of my devotional thingies for the youth mission trip I'm doing in July... the little sections seem to be getting shorter, but the amount of pages for 'anticipation' remains the same, approximately 5 pages. But the reading devotion part things remains pretty long... the one I did today is about reverence. A deep respect. So, it spoke about how to show reverence to God, and the importance of showing reverence to higher authorities, like trip leaders, and local church leaders, and/or experienced mission trip peoples, on the trip. It'll be one interesting thing, I'll say that much. I've never been on a mission trip before, and although I'm not going out of the country, and about only... maybe anywhere between 5-8 hours out of the state, I know this is going to be a very different environment. And I'm good with that. I need to learn to be 'still' though, you know? Being at peace and having contentment with and in God is part of reverence to him... and so is listening to spiritual instruction, and praying to him.

So that's what I learned in my devotional today. (Our 'mission trip homework', heh...)

I miss Rose. (I hate coding right now... my brain does not have the capacity to code this morning... *yawn*) She is my bestest friend, and now her phone's like, dead or something, because she wasn't picking up yesterday... I hope everything's alright. (Her brother did something to the laptop, so she can't use that either... *headdesk*) I'm glad she's coming up in July for the trip though... even though the leaders will probably split everyone up. And I will show them reverence... even when I don't want to... but that's not right. Because I should want to. And I guess I do, if I do show them. I'll just miss hanging out with Rose all day, while working and stuffs... I heard it gets EXTREMELY hot over there... ugghhhh... South Dakota. And plus there's a dress code. DX Which means, even with temperatures, we are not permitted to wear any form of 'innappropriate' tank tops, or shorts... I don't need to worry about the shorts, cuz I don't wear shorts anyway, though I might want to once I get there. But the tops... yeah. My typical summer outfit:

Spaghetti strap tank top (with a built-in bra, so no need for extra... well, you know. And yes, those things still work for me, xP) and capris/skort.

I guess I'll be okay with it. Sweaty, but okay...

In all honesty, I'm really looking forward to this. It'll be like a week-long CareFest. Except, we're helping people directly... in Rapid City, South Dakota. It'll be a very new experience, and I think I'm going to like it. But I really do have a lot of spiritual preparation yet to do...

Well, talk at ya'll later.

-"Kim" (ALY)

Sorry it's been a while since I updated... IF I HAVE ANY READERS... xP

Kim is PMSing! YEY! XP

Mood swiiiiiiings.

8)

Anyway, I'm updating randomly. I have a dance this Friday. I have no guys willing to dance with me! WHEEEEE! I do have my friends though... <333 They rox. XD

I'm mood swingyyyyy.

Anyway, internet addiction is in full-blow, as I addictively post on my addictive roleplay with my friend...

I continue reading my Bible everyday, however. I've been reading a Proverb a day. I also read Song of Songs.

Well, random update hooray. ILY U PPL.

I feel really dumb right now. (depressing rant.)

I live by cliches. I write them. I've experienced them. I have the magical ability to put together the author's clues and background experience to make a good conclusion/inference/prediction. But I missed this. When any place medical CALLS BACK after a test is done on a patient, it means something is WRONG.

Why did I miss this? Even though I picked up?

"We're calling about your dad's x-rays..."

Yeah. I mean, I totally thought it was normal and okay. I was being all airheaded again. It could be the fact that I'm writing about romances breaking, and listening to Cinderella, and being a pessimist right now, but I have this feeling. That is often wrong. But... I always end up feeling like giving into it. Thinking negatively is terrible... and I do it when I think something could easily be really bad... But I've gotta give this up to God. I just... I need to bring my family closer to him right now. My parents are having issues. Again. xPPP You know, I always say that whole 'perfect family' crap, because I know compared to all the other people I know, we have it so darn good. (I resist swearing... I said it in my head, okay? Lord forgive me... ) And yet I'm complaining like a freakin' stupid angsty teenager! Which I should be. But I'm not. I don't wanna be one. Even though it's so flippin' easy.

*breathes* Ahhh, after a little bit of faking happiness, I'm good again. *sigh*

I love God... I... I know we'll have trials and everything. And I can't try to figure out his thoughts and what he wants to do with my life. Or my parents, or my brother, or my friends. I can't force anyone to follow him. And I can't be perfect... and not everyone in the world is going to like me... and I can't fix everyone... and I can't...

See, negativity.

I'm almost crying here, people.

*sigh*

I can, however, Follow God. I think this is one of those 'Hannah' (mother of Samuel from the Old Testament) moments that our Sunday School teacher was talking about. She's right... I mean, right now, I just need to get on my knees and pray. Give it all up to God...