The moment when you admit you have a problem.

I've had a lot of moments where I've done the above ^ (in the title). Just not always at the right time, or with the right people. Well... generally, I HAVE done such things with the right people at a semi-decent time. It takes longer to do so with certain individuals (like my parents or certain other adults), yet I tend to do it. I'm not very closed (if you haven't noticed by the fact I ever-so-narcissistically write BLOGS about myself) about how I feel. Sometimes I just write a blog post or a poem, or even do that crazy thing where you pull out a small spiral-bound collection of paper between two fancy-cardboard-y panels (AKA, a journal )and write in it. And then I'm done with those. Or not. I might write hundreds of entries about the same subject (not hundreds... just several entries, at least).
Sometimes I'm having a problem because someone else is having a problem and it makes me upset. But most of the time, because I'm a selfish person, my problems are the ones that stem from my own problems, and my own mis-prioritzed life. Like I've written fifty-zillion other times, I cry mostly out of guilt. Perhaps guilt for NOT feeling as bad as I should, or guilt from not meeting an expectation I knew I was capable of, or... well, mostly the latter. And stress, from not meeting those expectations. I suppose taking psychology class makes me understand better the poor reasoning behind my illogical, irrational thought processes and actions.

Nevertheless, I HAVE poor reasoning and illogical, irrational thought processes and actions. I act out these things quite often, in fact.

So gone is another post about procrastination. Tomorrow, I'm talking to an individual who is just as difficult to speak to as he is easy to speak to. He is one of the adults I'm talking about, but he is younger than most adults I would seek mentorship or the like from. But he knows a lot. And I'm really glad that he'd take time out of the day to talk to me. Take from that what you will, but this is another one of those moments for me.

I'm going to present the bigger spiritual questions I've wrestled with, as well as some of the annoying and pervasive identity questions I've brought up every now and then here. And hopefully, I'll have a better understanding by the end of our discussion. That, and good pasta (Noodles and Company).

I'm also going to start attempting to stop taking myself so seriously. I do that a ton.

That's all, folks. You are all deeply loved. :)

Another poem. ("Crumble")

That pressure, pressure,
pressurepressurepresssurepressure....
collapse is imminent.
stack, stack, stack
the bricks.
paste
paste
paste
the Elmer's glue
mortar.
smear it all over
the walls.
they were built years ago,
Collapse is imminent.

built
built
built
on a foundation of sand.

the storm's been brewing
for months.
from this ocean to that.

On the outside,
the building is fine.
Built up strong,
and honest,
true.

take a step inside,
and see...

collapse is imminent.
Definite.
Devastation
if not torn down.
and built back up,
on stone with fresh,
new,
walls.

There's always a lot to say.

Sorry, everyone. I'm flighty and inconsistent, etc. You know me.

I'm just thinking. I've been thinking a lot. Too much, perhaps. On Friday, a rather enjoyable event occurred for me. I believe I may have gone on a date-type-thing. The young man in my Sociology class took me to the movie Tower Heist; fortunately, we both only considered it "okay". Which was awesome. His car was freezing before it warmed up when he drove me home, but he had some similarly "nerdy" likes, such as Avatar: The Last Airbender, and he has an affinity for post-apocalyptic literature which is really cool, in my opinion. So I think I might like him. Perhaps. I'm still figuring it out.

And at the same time, I had two to three disturbing dreams this weekend. And I didn't do my persuasive speech outline, even though the topic is utterly compelling to me and I chose it (educating the public about Mental Illness/Disorder). It was because the outline was late and I wouldn't get the ten points anyway. Motivation dropped. Wrong, yes, but unfortunately the truth.

I'm still struggling with motivation and procrastination, very much with procrastination. I haven't even kept on with NaNoWriMo, which is my favorite part of the writerly year. I wish to place my creativity in such endeavors as my story, Sunlight, but I find myself, rather, wanting to develop a trailer for the book, or storyboards at least in my sketchbook. Draw it rather than write it. Even though the story is not cinematic in the slightest. I always see it as one of those dramas that not many watch, but those who do, love it. It may be narcissistic, but it's the vision I have for the story.

The student ministry at school is failing, kind of. Well, not really. It's working.  Just not the way I saw it going. It's not big. We're not reaching a lot of people. And we couldn't make the big Catalyst Coalition event last Thursday, due to ride issues.

I still don't have my license. And I won't, at least until January or maybe December in California if my mom can arrange that. I don't even know how that's going to work.

And you know what's terrible?

Just the way we never notice what the heck other people are going through... I could write an entire post about that. I might do just that.

Otherwise, this weekend was great. The date-type-thing was pretty fun, and my dearest friends put on a fantastic play, "The Curious Savage". It was awesome.

Anyway, I'd say... I'm at a very uncertain point in my life. I pray all the time. But I usually vent or question, rather than praise. I feel guilty about it, but guilt isn't what should happen... Praise should come naturally, because God is worthy of praise. I know he can take my doubt and my questions, but I'm fearful in the fact that I believe, perhaps this is wrong, I'm not sure, that I should feel more assurance than doubt. And yes, feelings lie. Absolutely, they do. The human heart is a most dishonest thing. I'm having what those of my church might say is a "head-heart" issue. I should read my Bible more. I should listen to praise music and get closer and closer to God... but what I really, really feel, is afraid and like... well, as the past months of youth group have taught me, like a poser. I just don't know, half the time. I don't even know when I'm acting or being true anymore. Half the time, anyway. Which is even more confusing.

And at this point, I just want to go to bed. I don't want to do my homework, which is awful because it needs to be done. And I want to write NaNo, but I just... I want to sleep. I'd rather dream of Damir's awful life circumstances than this strange and common experience of identity confusion. Damir has identity confusion too, especially when all he defined himself by is taken away from him. It hurts to write it sometimes. I seem to draw new things from my own writing every week.

And I know exactly what Sunlight says about me. I don't know if I'd tell you, but if you asked... well... I guess I'm always up to talking about myself.

Those who pray: my friends are in great need of prayer, especially after loss and experiencing their own crises.

Thanks, all. God bless. You are all loved.

So I finally read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chobsky.

To start, I'll say that I took absolutely, way too long to read this book. It is a slim volume of 213 pages, written in a very simple and direct style, in the form of letters that read more like a diary, but very fitting to the protagonist, Charlie.

This book had been floating around in suggested books for me everytime I looked up anything on Amazon.com, and, like another fantastic novel (Thirteen Reasons Why), I took forever to actually read it, in spite of being interested in it for years. While I've eaten up other books I've procrastinated (such as the aforementioned novel), this one took me a while to get through. I can't really explain why, but I'll say this: this book is surprisingly layered for the style that it is presented.

I'll be honest, I doubted it as I paged my way through the first segments of the story. I thought that Charlie/Chobsky was doing a lot of "telling" and not "showing", and then the further I got in, the more I realized that the "telling" he was doing was very limited. Charlie has a way of distancing himself, and listening, and pondering, and although his words are uncomplicated (something that even he makes reference to near the beginning of the book), there is a lot of "showing" being done. This story manages to capture virtually all aspects of this teen's life. I'm not sure if I would exactly describe Charlie as a "wallflower", and though others may say that he learns to participate throughout the story, I would say that he is sort of participating throughout the entire novel, but in a much more... passive... way. But he is actually very active socially among his friends. It is simply fascinating, though, how much the story manages to say about family, friendships, and all sorts of relationships.

And that ending. I loved the ending. Mainly for the support that was shown by friends and family, and I won't expand on what occurs.

Regardless, I can see why this book is considered a modern "classic" coming-of-age story. I suppose this "review" is particularly vague. My personal summary (I think there are significantly better ones out there, but just in case...):

Charlie is very perceptive 15-year-old, who enters high school without his old friends and with little life experience. He keenly observes all those around him, and frequently ponders the circumstances in which they find themselves, as well as his own. His strengths lie in observation and reading only, until seniors and step-siblings Sam and Patrick take him under their wing. Through them, he begins to make deeper social connections and is swept into that "classic" high school world of sex, drugs, and "rock and roll"... not to mention the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Peering into Charlie's world with his sensitive eyes offers a very striking image of the high school life for an outsider thrust into the life of deep connection to others. And (as per the "coming-of-age" story), in this life, he begins to realize things about himself he never realized before.

I would say that Charlie is a very sympathetic protagonist. And sometimes his passivity is frustrating. Yet, when he does step up, his actions are strong. He is... just someone you wish was real. Someone you'd want as a shoulder, and someone you'd want to be there for.

Also, the '90's. Mixtapes and 'zines, guys. Mixtapes and 'zines.

All in all, I do recommend this book. Read it at least once. Then reread it to see if you can see anything else that you didn't before. I feel like it's a book that you could do this with.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is my favorite book now, because it was the last one I've read. ;)

Where the loyalties lie. (Poem-esque thing)

The deceptive smile,
the acidic gaze downturned.
What
she
said,
what
she
did.
Fight your own battles,
fight them, fight them,
don't keep quiet.
no maganamnity.

three or four hearts,
friends or foes or more or less.
tell her, tell him, tell them;
accept her
with all of your

grace.

Acts of betrayal,
still hot
on their hearts.

someone else may forgive,
but their clan won't forget.

gangs of the people,
rise up against one.

forgive, forgive,
they won't forget.

Shhh.
Keep quiet.

take the steps,
take the steps,
make mistakes,
and never forget.

because they won't let you.
Keep quiet, keep quiet.
secrets, secrets, secrets,
keep them, keep them.

don't ask.

secret judgement,
words untrue.

unforgivable or simply stigmatizing;
who deserves?

accept her with your grace.
never forget in your silence.

A polarizing figure.
where do your loyalties lie?

The problem of procrastination.

Today, I came home from school, and affirmed by the text of my friend not being home, I decided to take a nap.

In my bedroom, which is an awful location for a "quick nap". I ended up sleeping until sometime past five o'clock, thus destroying any chance of being productive, no matter what my plans were earlier that evening. The sleep was nice, but it was excessive.

After this, I ate dinner with my family, also nice. It also took an extended amount of time. I proceeded to take a shower. I had my clothes, put them on, turned on my laptop, and set all my bags of academic items around me.

As if simply having my backpack and college textbook bag next to me would motivate me. Instead, I told myself I would go check out that Relevant magazine article I'd been meaning to read...

Successfully killing another hour or so, with "30 Rock" going on in the background. Then Terra Nova in the background, though I wasn't paying attention; I was waiting for House.

After reading a few articles on Relevant, I went on Facebook. And proceeded to make a new status and make comments about wasting time, joking with my friend about how I waste more time than him. I called him to tell him how I was wasting more time than him.

We continued to correspond via Facebook, and I continued to jest with other friends on that Facebook status about Chronic Procrastination Syndrome.

I wonder if that could actually be classified as something. I have a problem. A very big problem.

Here are the things I need to do this week:
-Read chapters of psychology and sociology textbooks
-Read speech textbook pages and fill out questions
-Prepare for extemporaneous speech
-Prepare for PSAT/NMSQT (Wednesday)
-Get caught up for Psych/Soc due to absence on Wednesday
-Take psychology test
-Fill out discussion board posts for Psychology
-Write 300-350 word piece for Zumbro Education District writing contest by Friday
-Find application for next semester at college
-Figure out schedule for next semester
-Start on next psychology letter
-Start on psychology paper (although due in December; it'll come quick)
-Finish "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", in order to move onto another book
-Return some other books
-Read books from church library
-Do Sunday School homework BEFORE CLASS/before Saturday night
-Probably clean or something.
-Not spend all money before Thursday

That doesn't seem too hard for a WEEK... and yet...

.-. 

Does it ever end, guys? Procrastination. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to stop this cycle? Other than... well... I guess I should start with actually doing things on time. Maybe a highly scheduled routine. I can't relax when I think of all these things I have to do, but I still do it. My schoolyear thus far has been significantly easier than last year, and that should not be.

Perhaps I should stop defining myself as a procrastinator.

But I sure look like I know what I'm doing to some people... I respond a lot in my classes (usually have my hand up and give responses), kind of show off, maybe... which is annoying... and I shouldn't do it... and somewhat interesting in English class considering we just went over a piece of Ben Franklin's Autobiography and he had some interesting things to say about people who present themselves as/are perfect. I'm far from it. I think I might be arrogant, especially since my parents tell me this every now and again, especially when it comes to driving. But that's another story.

Regardless, I'm just... very nervous. I know my future's in God's hands, and I know that I shouldn't be lazy ("God helps those who help themselves", thank you, Ben Franklin). But... I don't know. I feel... self-sabotage-y.

I should just shut and do something.

Well, thanks for reading my obnoxious thought process.

Me and males.

Why.

I mean, I'm trying... I'm trying REALLY, REALLY hard not to crush on anyone right now. And I'm maintaining REAL FRIENDSHIPS with guys for the first time... well, probably since I had hormones that went all "woooobooooooooyyys" back in like, fifth grade. Or so.

But guys like me. And they tell me they like me. And I don't want to tell them, "I'm sorry, but I'm trying not to date anyone this academic year! And I'm immature! And I'm probably going to end up liking someone else while dating you! And..."

I'm just a terrible person. T.T' I think... I know... I sound really full of myself right now. And quite mean. I know I hurt someone very badly this year, but we're just finally overcoming it.

And then someone else this summer (again) confessed his feelings for me. Someone I've never told you, the blogosphere, about. I don't really know what to code-name him. And he has a tendency to like me and a couple of my friends at certain times. And (again) I had to reject him.

And now a friend who's been chatting with me more lately on the internet likes me. And I rejected him too. I feel like the worst person ever, except, to be entirely honest... I just feel like I SHOULD feel like I'm the worst person ever.

I look back at my old blogs, and at all my stupidity with guys back then ("Jared" and "Mark" and such) I just... I don't know. I KNOW better now. But these are the nice guys. The really, really sweet ones. Who consider me just nerdy enough to talk to. Who confide in me and tell me about their lives and invite our friends and me to be in their movies, and who visit and buy things and say the nicest compliments...

There is literally nothing wrong with any guy (the exception being Jared) who has ever asked to date me/dated me. But I can't just say... gosh. I can't... I just... gahhhh. I think I'm making myself look like someone who's afraid of commitment. And maybe I am.

But for once, I've honestly kept myself from developing a hardcore crush on anyone for the longest time. I am making friends with people of the opposite gender, beginning to feel like I can confide in them, even. Maybe not to that point YET, but I'm beginning to see the majority of guys that I'm getting closer to, like I've always wanted, simply as human beings. Not people I want to date or kiss or go to dances with or make out in movie theaters with. Just as human beings with social desires like my own, with personal lives and interesting thoughts and who are just overall fun to hang out with and joke around with. Just people. Like girls. And even girls have been questionable to me, quite honestly. Interpret that as you will. Another post would likely be necessary to explain.

Regaardless, I'm just feeling pretty mean and awkward right now. I just wish things could work out like I wanted them to, for once.

How things are going. (The biggest ramble of rantly... almost randomness... ever.)

Well, I'm doing a little bit better than earlier. I can only hope that others are as well. I just want to thank you, one and all who read my blog(s). It's really amazing. Thank you so much.

So my life... I've begun to attempt to start a student-led ministry called Catalyst, based on the Catalyst Coalition, which started up in Blaine, Minnesota ( http://www.catalystcoalition.org/ ). It's a pretty sweet idea, and God's given me some confirmation about it. I told myself this was the year I'd be different. So that's my beginning.

But to be honest, I'm still not sure if I'm being "different" quite yet. I'm still procrastinating. I'm still not kind all the time. I'm still holding others at my high school at arm's length to some extent. I'm still... I don't know. I really just need to put this in God's hands. I feel simultaneously too comfortable and complacent as well as itching for a great and irreversible change to my life. In a positive way, of course.

Strange and random observation: I love being in resturaunts and cafes where people right next to me are on first or second dates and such, and are just beginning to know each other. It's oddly uplifting to me. As well as a little creepy, but I'm a professional eavesdropper... okay, not PROFESSIONAL, however... it's fun. To hear interesting people tell each other interesting things. I do hope that you don't all consider me a creepy person that you would never want at the next table in a cafe... but... um... yeah. And then have me write about you in my blog, as I sit a couple of tables away on my laptop. Dear. I must look very suspicious.

Well, since I'm going all "stream-of-conciousness" on you guys, I suppose I'll continue with my thoughts... procrastination is somewhat consuming my life, and I realize that it's wrong. As well as pride. I know it's a human thing, to want affirmation, to want to be praised, but I often wish for praise that does not belong to me--it belongs to my great Creator. My youth group is doing a series on "being a poser". And while I can't relate entirely to the examples given (trying to fit into a particular group at school, which my sociology book calls "anticipatory socialization", but this term is used more accurately in the context of adapting to certain behaviors in order to fit into a work group), I know where I pose. Sometimes I think I pose as a good person. I pose as a Christian girl who knows what on earth she's doing. And that's really not true, not true in the slightest. This is likely the explanation for why I felt so scared and thrown off when I felt identified as a leader back when people identified me as a leader.

And now I'm stepping up to the role, but I'm taking on pride and it's ugly and it's wrong. It's so hard to truly humble, easy to be insecure. So hard to be confident, but not proud. So much of me still needs to be changed.

In other "news" (not news, it's just my silly little life, which is as short as a vapor of wind... good ol' Ecclesiastes), I've been writing. Almost consistently. I've written two chapters of my story Sunlight. I'm up to five chapters. The other night was a very difficult night, and I intentionally made it worse for myself by watching the TAC Victoria accident videos (Australian traffic program... they are... effective... to say the least; check them out on YouTube if you are interested and send them to your SADD instructors and your driver's ed teachers if they don't have enough good material) and then LISTENING to them to my most serious playlist simultaneously. I cried several times. And in the car from home to youth group yesterday, I felt the narration of Damir within me.

If there's anything that I feel terribly comfortable and uncomfortable (in a good way) about, it is the obsession of a story. Story obsession is the only permissible obsession for me, as it gets me writing. It keeps me going. It's that drive I've been missing for so long, and it feels... it feels SO GOOD. I don't care how depressing my story chapters are, to be honest. One of my favorite quotes is by Mat Kearney, though in context is about the personal and genre-bending nature of his music, goes as follows:

"[When I set out to write,] I want to write something that will rip your heart out [and connect with you]."

I don't want to make people upset, but I want to connect with them. I want them to see something in my writing that they can take from it, something they can think about, some passage will not leave their mind, something, just... something. Something good. Some sort of hope, or some sort of emotion, some sort of thanks. I question whether the hopelessness of a story is truly a positive thing. When I read Living Dead Girl by Elizabeth Scott a while ago, I could not get the story out of my mind, all its futility, the unbelievable horror and grief within it. I could not understand why I read it. It was so effective, and I suppose the realism is its own value. While I recognize that my current story, Sunlight, is entirely different in content, it is still incredibly sad and hard to write.

But I don't permit myself any dishonesty. Whether or not it's happy. Gosh, coming from me... that's quite... abnormal. Wanting a bright spot in a sad story. Hope is... hope is something else. I don't think I can just intentionally through in a big glob of hope in a story like this. It's not entirely realistic. Then again, the kind of circumstances which occur may not be exactly realistic either, but... I'm getting there. Let me know if you have any suggestions.

Well, since I guess I'm going to keep rambling, in reference to that awkward passage about me eavesdropping, it feels pretty cool to be on a laptop in a coffeehouse. Or whatever this is. It's my teensy town, the place is CALLED "Better Brew Coffeehouse" but I've probably only ever been in one other coffeehouse (near Breckenridge, Colorado, and incredibly hipstertastic and full of organic goodness. Good thing I wasn't obsessed with hipsterdom back then.), so I don't really have much to compare it with. CONTRAST, yes, but not compare.

So the hipster place back in Colorado was awesome. And they had delicious mochas. Of course, Better Brew has delicious mochas too. And it is pretty nice--it has those cool eco-friendly cups that can be composted because they're actually made of corn. XD And it has free-trade, locally made coffee and teas. Supposedly there are gluten-free options around here, but I guess you'd have to ask about them. There's a raw sugar dispenser.

The only odd thing about it are the mismatched tables and the couch and chair in the corner, and the random pictures up, and the unfinished painting on the wall. But it's cute. And homey. I think it's really the demographics that get me--in the morning, the tiny parking lot is all filled up with trucks, and a whole bunch of 60+ farmer dudes come in and have some funtiemz conversations. And then more older people (women, men, everyone) come in. And only a few businesslike people pop in and grab a coffee, then leave. A couple of averagely aged people (40's or so) sit down, usually women. Some have laptops. I and the two dudes from my Catalyst group were the only adolescents in the entire place. Now I'm the only adolescent, but a 20's or so woman now sits at the next table on her laptop, presumably studying. Or procrastinating like me.

When I went into the Colorado hipstercoffeeplace, there weren't really any people in there. But it could've just been the time of the morning. It was a small town like mine, but you really can't compare Pine Island to a small town in the mountains in Colorado... they had BLUEGRASS FESTIVALS. With people selling fancing stone-made trinkets from all over the place, many of them based in Native American tradition, as well as just some others around. They actually HAD places to... you know, get fancy pretty stones that were beeeautiful. Pine Island just has corn fields. And a cheese factory. I mean... that's pretty much nothing compared to mountain-town with the naturey, fit people of that town. I don't exactly remember the name of it, but... gosh. I kind of wish I was there now. I bet it's beautiful this time of year. *sigh*

Anyway, my town's pretty nice too. Just not as environmentally friendly and hipster/hippie-stereotypical as that one. You can just drive through my town, though. You kind of have to go up mountains to get to the one in Colorado. That was a good time in my life, the Colorado trip.

I guess I'd better get done with this... I do hope you enjoyed/got something out of reading this. Feel free to comment. Or not. That's fine too. I'm sorry for being... obnoxious.

Jesus and I love you all. :) Have a nice day!

To: God

Dear Lord, I have just no idea how to react when things like this happen. I know that You love us. I know that You are there, You are graceful, You are compassionate. You are Creator. So powerful, yet so relational. I know that. I wonder if I practice that knowledge sometimes. I recognize that I don't always.

But over and over and over, You know I've struggled with this so many times, You and the readers know. Why God, do you let these things happen? These deaths? The universal question. Why do bad things happen to good people? And all those readings of Job...

Maybe I've been reading it wrong, I admit that could be the problem. God, I realize that You... You are so far, so FAR beyond my limited human understanding. So far beyond it. I guess that's it.

Lord, I grieve with them tonight. But this... this I just can't understand. After all he's already lost, after this period of celebration, after seeming so happy and then... you just give him this? God, why? Why, God? With all he has to do right now? With all the caring he has for You and Your people? Your children? Your people's children? How...?

God, I just don't understand. I just don't. I don't want to doubt You or lose You. I'm sure that the one he lost is doing very well in Heaven, very happy, very content. And I'm very glad about this, I can celebrate that. But I canNOT look at it the same way from down here.

He was young. He had kids himself, God! Why are you letting this happen to them too? To this family? That's already been through enough? Is there ever "enough"? I just... no, no one deserves it, and I don't know if You're testing them or something, and I really have absolutely no right to write this. None.

But why, God? I just... I just won't understand, I suppose. I'll grieve with those who grieve, have joy with those having joy. But there's a lot of sorrow here, God. Our lives really are just swept by the wind. There is so much sorrow, God. I know you're weeping with them. But so much sorrow. So much grief. So much loss.

Today.

The video in the link above, and here:



reminded me of what this day is really about. I talked a lot today. About things that mattered, but they were abstract concepts and goals I planned on reaching. But this makes them real. It makes everything real, as it is. Painful and filled with loss, and those words of never forgetting, of praying, for those experiencing loss, become more genuine now. I wish I could have cried, but never have I felt more moved to do something about these lives we live than at this moment now.

Above all, let us not forget to love.

Tomorrow.

"Is it more mature
To reflect
on self
or bigger concepts?
Is it more important
to learn from personal experience
or from the history all around you?
A look in the mirror
or the sound of gunfire from every generation.
What meaning can we extract
from everything
our senses perceive?
The private tragedy,
The public outrage,
a friend's rebellious word,
a world leader's command?
Who are we
what right have we
to judge
or to question?
What right have we not,
to judge
or to question?
Right and wrong
are different.
Depending on where you are.
Black and white,
a muddled gray.
Left is right,
right is left,
up is down,
down is up.
Distracted by aesthetics.
Distracted by the trivial.
Slam our faces in reality,
Escape into fantasy.
Defense mechanism.
What is real
what is not?
no.
direction.
But
there is.
even if that Direction
is often
denied.

Doubt comes easy
with all that's around us,
but there's the beauty
rising from ashes.
The Constant
that keeps us,
from going insane.
when everything else
threatens to topple us
all
to the ground.

How do we grow?
What makes us grow the most?
the fires that burn and make the soil fertile."

-poem from my Stories and Other Writing blog, 5/30/2011

Tomorrow, as many of us are aware, is the tenth anniversary 9/11/01, a day that is forever seared into American history, and the memory of all who were alive on that day. It is one of the many tragedies that occurred, a national tragedy, an internationally known event, something that sparked many more like itself, and it was not only a tragedy to a nation... but to individuals. To families and friends and families and friends who would later lose loved ones in events related to this one.

I can't help but think of loss in general, and how it is all around us, every single day. How every human being either is, or will be, personally effected by the loss of a loved one through death sometime in the future. I can't help but think of all the people I know who have experienced that sort of loss, and of all the strangers who are experiencing it right now. Grief and pain and shock and ache and I can't possibly imagine what they are going through. How it may dull over time, but never go away. Survivor's guilt. Anger. All those stages, the bargaining... how hard it must be to reach "acceptance". I simply cannot imagine it. Right now, reading memorials and tributes to a person I likely never met, considering what an incredible person this person seems to have been, I almost wish I would have known him. Had I seen him before? Probably. I never knew him, though. But I know people who did. He was so young... so full of... life and potential and compassion and wit and intelligence... and yet, no one knew his true thoughts.

And the man who was lost when I was in sixth grade, whose funeral I really shouldn't have been at. Who inspired a poem of mine that many years ago. I think of my other friends who have experienced much worse, for their friends, for their family, their families...

I think of how such loss connects so many people. I can't even begin to fathom the pain that comes from the sort of loss endured by those I know. All I know is guilt. And the shame that comes from my selfishness. I know of my anger and doubt and questions to God over why... why He lets these things happen. I know He cares, I know He loves us, I know He's there, and that He has a bigger, better plan than I could possibly imagine, that will make all work out for good. I shouldn't have trouble knowing this. I think of all these people I pray for, as they endure the things they endure. I think of these great, incredible people, who are experiencing these terrible, terrible things, and I just have to wonder... why. I've gotten the answer so many times, but I keep on asking.

So today, tonight, tomorrow, and every day after that... I should tell you all to take a moment and think. And pray. To never forget, but I don't expect that you will. To forgive, even though it's nearly impossible as a human being on one's own. I suppose I should tell you to dream about peace and make it accomplishable.

Life is so short and so fragile and so hard to know about. People are so layered and complex and they simply aren't as they seem. I should tell you all to advocate for those who are struggling with loss in a certain way, and I will. I should tell you all to be there for others, that we can make this world a better place. I do. I tell you all these things.

I will tell you that Jesus loves us all, and that God made this world, and that He has a bigger plan. And in my heart, I've found this to be true. But I will not tell you that anything is easy. Or that we'll ever find a way to avoid death or pain. I will not tell you not to feel angry or bitter, or grieved, or to dwell on the pain that you have. I'm not telling you, reader, to listen to everything or anything that I have to say, or to do as I do, or to believe as I do, really.

I am reflecting on these events. And I'm finding it hard to come up with answers, or to believe in my whole heart that these answers are true, even though I know in my spirit and soul that they are. My mind and my heart and my human nature find it so hard to believe it.

I will tell you, friends, to reflect on what I've said. To know that there is hope. That God has a bigger plan. That there are great people in this world, and all of them, including ourselves, are going to meet death one day, in some way or another. I pray that we don't give up hope.

Entry with a central point... "Goals for this Year".

I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.

(Now to get started on writing and finishing a story in 2011. I feel as though I am vaguely trolling my own blog. Regardless. This. Will. Happen. I. WILL. Complete. A. Draft. Of. An. Original. Fiction. Story. THIS. YEAR.)

There's just too much inspiration for stories. There's just too much reality around me, too many fears, too many hopes, too many dreams, too much, too much, TOO MUCH, and I just CANNOT let this go on any longer. I HAVE to finish a draft, some draft, ANY draft, of ANY story, and I'm not going to wait until November to try! Dangit, I'm going to have 50,000 done BY November, if it kills me! Which it could. Potentially. Especially with all the things I'm doing this year/semester. Actually, this is the perfect place for me to finally solidify my goals this year. All of them, not just my writing goals. So here goes, for future reference:

-LIVE FOR CHRIST. I am unashamed of my God, of my faith, of the truth it holds in my life. Of His saving grace, and spilled blood for my salvation, and His love. And have I shown this Love recently? Not enough. Not. Enough. This is my first and foremost goal this year, and from this, will all my other goals and hopefully accomplishments, spring. Not only this, but that it will enrich every new friendship I become a part of, and that it will improve and revitalize every social relationship I am currently involved in (family, friends, etc.).

-Deepen my relationships with people. My current friends, my less-contacted friends, my family, groups I'm involved with, people I've never really paid enough attention to. This is something that is also incredibly important.

-Improve relationships with males in particular. In years past, I've had so many shortcomings in being capable of having meaningful friendships with guys in my age group; whether it's been obvious or not, or whether I've been terribly obvious in my expression of this, I usually end up crushing on any guy I get close to. This is something I need to work on, very much. I feel like this could be very damaging to any serious romantic or platonic relationship I have with another male person in the future. I will work at this, so I will save my (potential) future husband from having a potentially dysfunctional relationship, and save him and myself from having the pain that could come from this behavior I've displayed so far in my life.

-Work HARDER. This year, I need to learn self-motivation, self-determination, and self-discipline. I have a lot to do, more than I've ever had to do academically, and I intend to get a job. But with these other dysfunctional and deeply established behaviors of myself so far (the tendency to procrastinate to the very last minute, to allow lots of work to build up and cause myself to be overwhelmed by the work that piles up), I'm going to need to work REALLY hard to reverse these behaviors. And I'm willing to do that. And I WILL do that, not only because I don't really have a choice, but because I know it's something I need to do, and a part of my actions I've wanted to change for a long time.

-Keep dreaming. And make more realistic (and less abstract) goals to reach these dreams and goals.

-KEEP PRAYING. Keep trusting. Keep having faith. Keep loving.

-LISTEN. Listen to people, listen for what's behind what people say.

-Learn. Learn as much as possible, about as much as possible.

-Laugh more. Take some things a lot less seriously, but don't leave empathy and sensitivity behind.

-Exercise. This is on every goal list I make. But this one is going to need some serious expansion, like the goal-reaching goal itself. I need a constructive, specific, list of goals to increase what I need to do. I just have to improve my health, and this is where I'm lacking the most.

-Write every day. More specifically, write parts of particular stories every day. Begin the post-it note stories with Leah and Nathaniel (this being something I will expand upon later, and I promise! that I will do this.). Finish either my stories Sunlight, Interference, Rescue, Broken Ice, or the post-it note story.


So there we have it. These are my goals for this year and next. Love you all.

With three billion other more significant things to write about...

In the middle of all my recently selfish thoughts, and my incredibly annoying constant self-analysis and potential self-doubt, especially when expressed aloud, is this one positive focus.

This future I have, and these things I want to do, and what I know I'm being called too. I've realized, with all that annoying self-analysis, that I am incredibly idealistic, potentially optimistic, but still have an amazing ability to see all the things that could and do go wrong. However insignificant (with the upcoming beginning of grade 11 in High School, obtaining my driver's license potentially soon, and bigger issues that have been on my mind, such as Hurricane Irene, modern-day slavery, issues of faith and showing it to those around me through love and action, disability rights and people's ignorance, social models of this and mental illness, psychology, sociology, the economy, veganism, animal treatment, abortion, differences between the UK and the U.S., family, politics, other social issues, the state of local news and how stories are presented, etc....), this one seems to be the one that keeps recurring. Writing. Stories. Getting something accomplished.

And so far, it hasn't happened. But it might. No, it will. I've made it a habit to say I WILL, so that I have made a commitment. I have many things to pray about, many people, many issues, so much grace to be grateful for, so much to be happy about, so much to thank God for, and I do that. And when I think about it, I actually am really busy right now in life. I would be falling apart without God. I'm so grateful for all that is going on in my life right now. And change would usually freak me out a lot, especially an increase in activity like I've had lately with the beginning of my part-time enrollment in college courses at an actual college. And I know I have a lot more to figure out, even within the next week. Within the next day. However, there... there's a lot to be grateful for. I kind of lost my central point in this entry, but I guess that's what this entry is about now. I'm really thankful for all that's gone on in my life lately. I'm going to change my selfish nature, though. That I am determined to do.

God loves you all, and I do too. I hope this entry isn't as disappointing as I think it is.

Things I've dealt with. (My testimony)

Recently, I've had a conversation with a very good friend of mine who is dealing with some really serious things. I'd like to publish my thoughts on this right here, in this blog. Thank you all who read this.

For my youth group's mission trip, each person on the team (fifteen total--12 students, three adults) needed to write out their testimony of God's faithfulness in life. If not written out entirely, at least outlined. If not outlined, we should have had at least a slightly remote idea of what we might say. And if not that, we'd pray that the Holy Spirit would lead our words. The latter we would do anyway, but it was written that we should have had at LEAST SOMETHING to share. I had written something--a page-long ESSAY, essentially, on my entire life, including info about my parents before I was even conceived. While it was a great testimony and story, it just wasn't enough, at least in my opinion. It was rambly. And everybody else simply had outlines, it seemed.

And while everybody but me and one other girl took the opportunity to share their testimony in front of the small congregations that we visited almost DAILY, I did get the chance to share. With an even smaller congregation. A very small group of children, that we were working with for a church's Kid's Club on Monday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's. I shared about how I didn't always understand God, but He was always faithful to my family. He always provided for my family. And how He was still there and strengthening my friends who were Christian, but who did not come from Christian families. Now I have no idea if my story had an impact on those kids, but I pray that they made that decision to follow Christ, or that they do, at some point.

But the important thing was that I shared. I told someone my story, one of my small stories, about how God was faithful to my family, my friends, and myself. The story I told was short and not detailed, as we were in a circle with four other student leaders plus a student translator, and probably not over six little girls, and one's toddler brother, and we were all supposed to share.

I realized, maybe not exactly THERE, but at least on the mission trip, that my story mattered. That I HAD a story to share. That God DID have a plan for me. And He DOES have a plan for me. I learned that He uses my past, which I thought was average and insignificant and unrelatable to help others see Him. That if I pointed my story up to Him, and used it for His glory, well... it would bring Him glory. I really, genuinel mattered.

What's more, is that God is the One who mattered most.

And now I have a story to share. This is the testimony I feel like I'd go around sharing if I was asked to share more often. This is the testimony I'd tell you if I felt God leading me to tell you it. This is my story, and the story of God's faithfulness in my life (note that this is a lengthy written version; out loud, it would probably be shorter and much better told):

I suppose I'll begin with "conversion". I was about five, probably, the first time I decided to accept Jesus Christ into my life. I probably raised my hand in church, and prayed the prayer. The sad truth is, I don't really remember the first time I did this. I do remember one of these times, though, the one I considered "official", for a long time. I was eight years old. I raised my hand in Vacation Bible School, on that lovely altar call day I've learned to help with when I have led small groups for VBS myself. Several others and I were taken into a seperate classroom, prayed for, and given children's tracts. My parents were told. They were so happy and so proud of me.

I was raised in a Christian home. My parents are both Christians, and each have their own amazing story of God's faithfulness. We still attend the same church that I was "converted" in. But as many stories like this go, I really didn't understand God or my faith, or what I was supposed to do with this, until around early middle school. And at this same time, I began to struggle with things. I started to see not only God's presence, but the presence of evil and the presence of suffering. I began to see all the darkness around me, and I started to let it consume me. I started not only seeing the pain of others, but began to realize flaws about myself. Like how selfish I was. How fat I was. How strange and abnormal I was. I started to withdraw. I had good, close friends, people God put in my life for Him to work through, however, I was still struggling. I struggled with how I saw myself. I struggled with how I was unable to help my friends as much as I wanted to. I struggled with how the only decisions I could make, were my own. And I struggled with how I thought that I was a terrible, selfish, guilty person, who deserved to be punished. I saw my every mistake, no matter how small, as something huge and terrible.

And I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to hurt myself. And I wanted to make myself more acceptable, at the same time. I never did these things physically, but I thought about them all the time. On some occasions, I thought that I would never be accepted, or be acceptable, and that the world would be better without me, and that my wrongdoings, my sins that I couldn't accept grace for, made me worthless. Made me worthy of death. And like I mentioned, I never came up with a plan. I found a Bible verse in a children's daily Bible, about how helping others stored up treasures in Heaven. At the time, I really didn't care about the treasures. All I knew was that God had a plan for me, still here, still on Earth. That His plan was for me to help others. I took this as a call.

Things didn't get easier from there. All throughout middle school, and even in high school, I dealt with fluctuating self-esteem, and not forgiving myself. Not accepting God's forgiveness and grace. I dealt with feeling overwhelmed by the sin and the pain of this world, and of myself. Of allowing myself to fall behind. Of wondering what my purpose is in life. Doubting God and His abilities. Fearing the judgement of others.

But now, now I know something I didn't know then--God will work everything out. For His glory. For good. He wants GOOD for me. He will use me for the incredible things in His plan. He is already using me. He has already USED me! God is amazing! He has given me this incredible life, and at least two incredible spiritual gifts, and He loves me so much, and would never want harm for me. He only wants to bring me closer to Him.

So now I live for Him, one moment at a time. He is my rock and my salvation. And He loves you too, and has an incredible plan for you.

Things I'm going to do with this blog now.

I've decided that I will now be updating regularly on this blog. However short my entries may be. And one way I will be making myself do this is to begin a series of blog entries expressing my viewpoint on rather important issues as I'm led to write about, through experiences or observation I make during a week. This past week I might write about:

-Bullying

-Depression

-God (this would take a while. xD <3) -Low Expectations of young adults (based on a short passage of Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris which I read in the past week)

-American culture's view of love (based on the media and what real love is--and not like the craptastic blog entry I wrote about "love" a long, long time ago)

-Movies that mean something

I would also like to begin writing down my mental/conversational critique of films and books and shows that I view/read, to see if they are helpful at all. I'd probably do this from a Christian perspective, but not always a totally conservative one. So it could be interesting. Or not. We'll see, I suppose. Thank you all who support my endeavors.

But I'd also like to publish more important stuff. Anyways, let's all hope and pray this gets through!

-Alison

God bless! Love you all!

Life now!

http://cefchighschoolmissions.​blogspot.com/

There's too much to say, but the above link says some of it. I just want to say that my life... I'm just seeing it now, is just so incredible. So beautiful. And God really has me now. He has ALL of me now. And when He doesn't, I'll keep coming back. I've never felt this amazing before, ever, in my entire life.

When I went to the Dominican Republic on a mission trip, I was hoping for that something to just bring me out of the strange fog I'd been in all schoolyear long. All of my failures and disappointments and anxiety and all the stress I'd piled onto myself, I was just hoping that God would somehow reach me. And what I didn't know was that He was there the whole time, waiting... waiting for ME. I didn't reach back out to Him until I was on that trip. When I started reaching others for HIM. When I told my story of His faithfulness in my life, and in my friends' lives. Until I heard the stories of His faithfulness in so many lives, here in Minnesota, in the United States, and in the Dominican Republic, in Buenos Aires, and Jarabacoa, and Los Calabazos. God was THERE! He IS there! He IS here!

My life is going to be and always will be different now, because I am really living my life sold out to Him!

Right after returning from the Dominican Republic, with only one day home, I went to a music festival with my friend from school. Sonshine Festival, in Wilmar, Minnesota. We camped for three nights there with her family and her mom's friend. I saw so many incredible bands and artists, many for the second time, (bands such as Love Out Loud, Switchfoot, Skillet, Children 18:3, Remedy Drive, The Afters, Tenth Avenue North, Lincoln Brewster, and TobyMac), and I learned so much from each of them, and the speakers that I saw. But not to be cliche, but those weren't what I learned and got the most from. I was there when my friend's younger sister decided to give her life to Christ. I could not believe that God had allowed me to witness such an incredible, beautiful, positively life-altering, amazing decision of someone else. I had wanted to be a part of this for so long! For anyone! And He allowed me to be there. He may have even used me to help her. But the glory goes to God.

I also had the opportunity to see an amazing student-led campus ministry group from Minnesota speaking there--The Catalyst Coalition. They really set me on fire for God, and to share God on my school campus. I feel as though God is currently leading me to start a campus ministry right at my own school, and He seems to be working things out. So if you pray, please do pray that we will find the people that we need for a core team for this ministry at my school.

I am just so amazed. And there is just too much to say. But God is so good! Thank you, Lord!

God bless, all. Love,
Alison

My Weekend. (WARNING: Epic moodwhiplash throughout. And zero organization.)

Well, I have just realized that I usually blog right before Carefest, or right after... it's now midnight, the day after Carefest. It was a great time, as it is every year. And I love to spend it with my friend. But the point is to serve others, to let them see the light of Christ. Wow.

I've recently had a conversation with someone close to me telling me that I need to stop beating myself up over things. But if I didn't... I don't know if I would be able to make myself stop doing stupid or obviously wrong things. I guilt myself into a lot of things, and it's absolutely wrong for me to do that in the first place, but if I didn't, I'd just be an honestly jerkish person who didn't give a crap. Some people encourage that. Some people see it as rude. I do rude things without knowing all the time, and what I need is to be more aware of my thoughts and actions... instead of overthinking them later when the deed's been done.

I'm considering taking advantage of my church's counseling services. I'm on the prayer team, but... I don't know about that now. I don't know. And it'd be hypocritical for me not to want to go by saying that I could handle this on my own/ONLY talking to other people who aren't counselors, with the way I push this stuff toward other people all the time. It's no cure-all and it's difficult and uncomfortable, and for the first time in a while, I have to consider that and admit that. But most of the people at the center aren't strangers to me. And if I honestly don't believe there's no shame in asking for help, and have humbled myself enough to say I need it, then... well... I should just do it. Before I talk myself out of it. Because that's happened a lot, with a lot of different things.

So... back to Carefest. We cleaned up a middle school. While cleaning lockers in the girls' locker room, I found a bullet in one of the lockers I let Leah keep it. She joked that it was just someone going to her high school(apparently, it's "ghetto" there. xP), but... I dunno. I was first reminded of a book I read (The Adventures of Fanboy and Goth Girl by Barry Lyga, in which the main character carries a bullet around with him at all times),and then disturbed. I remembered something I'd heard about that middle school, about a student that used to go there, and no longer goes there because they're dead, essentially. It was... briefly sobering. And then I just got back to work and joking around and socializing with Leah and the girl who graduated from my school last year, who happened to be at the same project.

In light of recent events... I found it even more disturbing. I don't know why I keep thinking about this kind of stuff. My friend and I have very drastically different ways with dealing with things. To be honest, I avoid my feelings, or channel them, in different ways, through focusing on fiction or other subjects. But never NOT talking about them. If it's really burning in me, I have to get it out. Whether in journal or blog or aloud, whichever works at the time, I have to get it out. I can never really be alone with my thoughts, unless those thoughts terrify me enough that I don't want people to be concerned. Which has been unfortunately often lately.

So later in Carefest, we arrived at the arena to do some more work (Leah and I were DETERMINED to paint, because we paint EVERY YEAR and we must paint each other! MUST.)So we got to paint a wall! And it was fun! :D Yeah! We did have some conversation too. We've actually taken off most of our roleplaying for a while, so now most of our conversation is just conversation, and it's pretty cool. 8) And we had some people help use finish the wall toward the end. They just happened to be male and of the attractive variety, which, again, is completely, COMPLETELY, missing the point of yesterday. But they were nice, and we talked about music and Sunshine festival, and plays and such.

And just to keep things interesting, I'll now tell you about what I did on Thursday and Friday. Thursday afternoon, miss lovely Ella brought me down to her house and we hung out and talked and stuff, while we waited for miss Leah to arrive. It was cool. We watched some deleted scenes from Repo! The Genetic Opera, and one of Terrance Zdunich's videos, and such, and it was quite enjoyable. Then Leah arrived, we watched some Uncle Yo on YouTube (Otaku/Geek comedian of epic lolz0rz), but they did not seem to appreciate him very much... ^^' Later on we watched Repo! The Genetic Opera. Honestly, I really only liked Mag, occasionally Shilo, and the Graverobber, and... well... I found the costumes to be a bit... distracting. xP And I worry that that might just be the point. Yes, it was sad when Nathan was dying and Shilo said goodbye. Of course I almost teared up at that point. But... costumes. Idea for the movie? Something and "love of beautiful women". *ahem* Decent movie overall, I suppose, in spite of that. Call me a prude or perv or whatever, but it was just too sexual in my opinion, even without an outright sex scene.

After this film, we did some awesome makeup, using songs as inspiration. We all looked pretty rad when we walked to the Dollar Store (which was closed), and then Wal*Mart to buy snacks for our next film-viewing. :)

Anyways, we also watched Vampires Suck, which was funny, mostly because it parodied Twilight, and Becca's actress imitated Kristen Stewart really well. (Haha, new nickname for her... K-Stew. Lol. Stew. Sorry, I'm a little off tonight...) Anyways, some YouTube parodies were better. But overall, pretty funny. Kind of reminded me of those straight-up teen movies.

Best of the night in my opinion (though you can't compare any of these genre-wise): Howl's Moving Castle. I know it wasn't too pleasing for Nathaniel to know that I watched it without him, but it was just... amazing. Truly a great film. The fantasy elements and the realistic paired up so well, and were well-balanced... though you could say there's not much realistic in the film. It just had the overtone of seriousness, with the backdrop of war. But like anime movies tend to go, there is hopefulness at the end. It was just incredible. I need to watch more Hayao Miyazaki...

(and Ella and Leah need to watch some Makoto Shinkai. *cough*)

The next morning, we hung out so more, ate some breakfast, watched Ella demonstrate some pretty awesome dances (Love and Joy and... I don't remember the other one. ^^' I'll have to ask her to Facebook it to me. x3), and then drove off to the AWESOMENESS that is X-Men: First Class. First off, I have to say, historical truth I learned here:

Mutants solved the Cuban Missile Crisis.

That is all. *jk* Actually, it was just a really great movie. The plot was fascinating, especially with Erik/Magento's character developments, as well as the contrast between he and Xavier/Professor x. Interactions between characters (particularly Mystique/X, Mystique/Erik, Erik/X, Mystique/Hank, and Mystique/Erik) were just spot on, in my opinion. Especially the scene where Xavier motivates Erik to move a gigantic satellite... his words... man. Knocked me out. Great movie. And not to mention the eye-candy. Heh. I decided to put that one last to make myself look a lot better than I am for a second. See how terrible I am? xP

We returned to Ella's and watched a show about survivors of stuff on Animal Planet. It was really intense. I have thoughts on that. But I've decided against expressing them. So, I left and went shopping for groceries and things for my mission trip with my youth group to the Dominican Republic in less than two weeks.

I'm going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic. June 30th to July 11th. I'm praying that God really changes my heart there. I'm always feeling like these trips and big events are what's just going to turn me around... but there's always that 48 hour rule (where, if you don't make a change within those hours, you probably won't change), and the fact that change is a process. I've got issues. And maybe they aren't solvable by counseling, or maybe that would help, or maybe I just need a big kick in the butt to get me going. And I haven't been managing to do it myself very well.

So, concluding thoughts for the night... yeah. I've thought too much this weekend. Good night and God bless, all. Thanks for reading.

Nathaniel's post

http://nathanielssuperfunblogtime.blogspot.com/2011/06/something-about-death.html

I'm giving you all a link to Nathaniel's blog as well, because his response to this tragic recent event was a really great one. I hope you read it and make some sense out of it.

Thank you, readers, and God bless once again.

Response.

No apologies this time for not posting. And yet I say I'm sorry. First downright freaking honest entry I've ever written.
(my response to this entry and the events within it)

http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html

Life just goes on, as I listen to the whole story of today. There's tragedy, and in the midst of that, humor in other everyday situations, maybe to keep us anchored so we don't get buried in grief. I wouldn't know.

Everywhere, death is just everywhere. Our young men and women die in wars. We die in car accidents. We die from illness, and accidents of other kinds, we die from accidental poisoning... but the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24 in Minnesota (at least), is suicide.

It's been all over this year. Every week, it seemed, someone in the middle school in the next town over killed themselves, or in high school, or they died in a car accident, or any variety of things. But suicide. Thirty-something fathers with 12 and 8 year olds. Sick men in desperate pain. An 8th grade girl. Valedictorians of high schools. These are the people I've heard of dying this way this year.

I cannot imagine what it's like to be left behind in a situation such as this. I'm praying for the families.

I made a new friend today. He's tried to do this to himself so many times... self-injured from elementary school age. Fortunately, he's not trying to do this anymore. He shared so much with me about his life. This friend of mine also helped out so many of his other friends with this. I've had friends who've tried this. Even I've considered it. At least two people related to me have considered it.

I understand why we ask God why. Why, why, why, why, why, why. To all the questions Job asked God, he responded with all of the incredible, beautiful things that He does in creation, with his own questions... I remember the first time I read Job 38-42. It was at a prayer night for youth group, where the leader told us to find a spot in the room, and that it was okay for us to get angry at God, to let out all our emotions to Him--How Davi'ds Psalms were often about sorrow, and those were prayers to God. He was honest.

That first time, I had prayed briefly, emotionally, about those who died. But moreso, I prayed about those who had survived, whose lives were so difficult, and what made them difficult was written on every step they took, everything families had to do for people, the people I knew who were in great pain, and whose lives were just so hard. Because at that time, I'd been wondering if it was worse to live in misery than to die. I didn't have any personal experience. I had just been wondering.

And now I must pray these things, reread these chapters for those who are suffering loss and grief now. God, Lord, God, there's so much loss! Why on earth are you letting this happen?!

In Job 38-42, God questions Job after Job,who has lost virtually everything that he considered valuable in his life (children, sustenance, health, has a somewhat unsupportive seeming wife, and friends who might not understand), questions him. In these questions, he overwhelms Job with his majesty and mystery and power. When the Lord is done with this speech, Job responds like this:

Job 42
Job
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”

And this is what happens next:

Epilogue
7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” 9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[m] and a gold ring.

12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.

In spite of all that God did for Job, all that he said and did, it still, truly, honestly, does not make it easier. What I've gotten from these verses, from chapters 38-42 of Job, is that God is simply beyond us. We will ask why all we want, and we will never comprehend the answer. And yet, God will continue to bless us.

All through tonight, I've read ponderings that God is ineffective, been around those who believe he doesn't exist, or aren't sure, and who go on, and seen girls cry, heard of my closest friend crying, over this recent tragedy. And God... it's written also, that God will wipe away our every tear in the end of times. And that Jesus cares for the broken.

A song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

But it's so hard. It's so hard not to understand, and to accept that. It's so EASY to just say that God is a horrible god, that He should step in, and if he really was as powerful as it was written that He was, then He would step in and stop this .... from happening. But I can't do that. Because I know it's not true. But it would be so easy. I cannot imagine, simply cannot imagine, the pain of this young man's family and friends right now. It seems death is becoming much more common these days, all around. So many people are grieving, in so much pain. I can only pray that God will give me the strength to help these people, even if it's just an ear to lend them, or just to be silent, or just to not talk if that's what is needed.

For all those who pray, please pray for this young man's family and friends. For peace, without guilt, without all these overwhelming questions. Thank you.

God bless.

-Alison