More ventish and almost depressing poetry.

I love music right now. Thank God for Jill Pearson, Superchick, and Barlow Girl right now. And my friends.

Anyway, more poems. Can't prose my feelings yet.


God, I feel like I'm losing it a lot right now
I know You're holding onto me
But I'm still slipping, sliding, barely grasping
Too confused
Too perplexed
Too scared
Of not having the people
That hold me up
And that's wrong
You hold me up when I'm falling
But I've been leaning onto them too much
But I flinch at every untrue word
That slips from their lips
And yet I can't let go
And let You change them,
I hold onto to what I try to do.
And I should give it up to you.
I guess I'm codependent.
Or something more,
Or something less?
I don't know myself again
Last time I felt this way
I was falling apart.
I have little seconds where I slip a lot.
Feel that falling apart
Tears can come whenever my mind is tempted
And then they go away.
I act like I'm okay.
I don't even know what's wrong with me, Lord!
Should I?
Are You using this to draw me closer?
Or am I falling somewhere You don't want me to go?
I know You won't forsake me...
I know that I believe You.
That I can't live without You.
But why do those times come? Lord, forgive me for my doubts.
I know You're here.
And "Blessed are the ones who don't see, and yet still believe."
Lord, hold me tighter, when I'm struggling, I'm flailing
Lost, unsure, confused.
Bring me close to You. I know You're here. Please forgive me for my doubts.
I know You love me.
And them too, Lord.
Use me, Your servant, is listening now.
My mind is clear!
Thank You for being here...

More Blog Neglect...

New Characters

*I've mentioned this one before, just never named him... I think... hopefully... anywayyyy...*

Max- A dude who was my second boyfriend. Yah. Cuz... yah. But anyway, we're all just friends now, and he constantly wears a hat. My friends and I (but mostly me) find it absolutely necessary to attempt to remove that hat. And stuffs. Cuz it annoys him. Dislikes Linkin Park, and most depressing bands... with loud screamtasticness... heheh. Really a sweet kid, with an awkward disposition, obssessed with various girls. And has obvious ways of making it known that he likes someone. Liked Rose. And stopped. Liked me. And stopped. Has good guy advice about guys. He liked a random girl at TURTLES. Yet, he's a great guy. Really. He's sweet and nice and... still pretty fun to give a hard time... heh...

I am REALLY sorry about this guys... I haven't been onto blogspot hardly at all lately, and I know I have readers, and I'm really sorry... D': *wipescobwebsaway*

Like Dibsy said, a blog is like a baby... well, but I don't think it needs diapers, or a bottle... but it needs to be fed.

School's starting up again soon for me, and I'll be going to DC from the 26-Sept. 2nd (the day school starts), for a wedding...

This Thursday, I'm going to the zoo with Ella.

And last weekend, Kris (Leanne) and I had a rawkin'sauce time at my church lock-in like-item, and an AMAZING day at Valleyfair! It was called TURTLES, which stands for Totally Unique Recreational Teen Last Event of the Summer

On Friday, we got to my church, messed around on inflatables, then went inside, ate dinner, and played Rock Band. The only thing I could do was sing (and my voice was made of crap that day) , and so we sang... we sang Creep by Radiohead, Wanted by Bon Jovi, I'm So Sick by Flyleaf... all that stuffs. Pretty much all the songs. And the ones that I don't like. *highlydislikeMississippiQueen* But we still went up there. And annoyed this kid from my church named Max, by singing Creep loudly to him the next day on the bus up to Valleyfair, which is like a Six Flags in Minnesota. An amusement park, with rollercoasters, rides that go high up and fast and stuff and water slides and water rides and stuff. That's Valleyfair. I refused to ride anything that went upside down this year. Though I went on one of the awesomest rollercoasters EVER, like I do every year, the Wild Thing.

http://www.valleyfair.com/public/attractions/rides/thrill_rides/wild_thing.cfm

It looks way cooler when you're on it. Actually, I was about to have a heart attack while I was staring at it, feeling it as it PLUNGED downward, from just watching it, but... I do that every time I see it, even though I've been on it about 8 times now...

Also, during TURTLES, our church got us a Christian Illusionist, Mr. Toby Travis, and he was pretty amazing. I'd seen him before, but, he's always pretty cool. (My church always gets the same entertainment for various things... like the Mega Party/Gran Fiesta outreach to the Hispanics in the city that I go to my church on, yeah, we had the same guy from one time there at TURTLES, which had been about a week and Toby Travis came to Mega Party, I think around... last year, or so. So yah. But they're always cool people who come. ^^)

Valleyfair's Power Tower caused a girl to lose her foot. And she tried to sue them. And they didn't take it down... though they might have been supposed to, but... yeah...

Either way, my dad, his group, (he's a chaperone there) my group, Leanne/Kris being in that group, all went on it...

And they all still have their feet!

I liked Toby Travis's show ending, about how all your deep questions in life are answered when you get saved. Because he was asking a lot of questions right before he got saved like "Why am I here?" or "Where do I go after I die?" "What is my purpose in life?" and he got them all answered when he learned about the Lord and his love and plans for our lives.

I find that pretty awesome. :)


Today, early this morning, my dad started driving with another insurance adjustor friend, to Florida. o.e He's already been called to do a claim. o.e For the tropical storm/hurricane thing. And it was supposed to hit right where Rose was. xPPP D: And she was supposed to start school this week...

I find it amazing how she still manages to have a sense of humor.

"Yeah, here in Florida, we don't get snow days, we get Tropical Storm days."

I'd be like all

"OMC OMC OMC WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sobs* :'( *

I'm praying for them all but...still. xP It's awkward to know my dad's making money of people's houses getting damaged. T.T

I love Rose-chan. We all miss her so much... *sigh* :'(

I'm looking forward to Mega Party/the Zoo this week... it'll be very funness. I love when I have plans during the week. Especially during school. I hate just having to wait until the weekend and sit there all weekend. I always have to be doing something. It gives me something to look forward to during the school-weeks. *sigh*

I have people addiction, too. It may be wrong, but it's more necessary than the computer... much more important. But I don't really give myself time alone, unless I'm in my room drawing/writing/reading, which I hardly ever do... and after at most, an hour and a half, I gotta call Leanne or someone... but mostly Leanne... ^^"

Either way, I'm a friend-neglecter too. xP

*sigh*

I'ma keep praying, and hoping I can live for the Lord this year.

6th Grade- Weird and quiet-ish and depressed-ish/hyper-ish.

7th Grade- Outspoken and more happy, talkative, hyper/deep-ish occasionally/friendly/strong opinions.

8th Grade- ?

Well, we'll see what my insanebrain comes up with this year...

I NEED TO WRITE!!!!

Screw explanations. (I-I... I mean... yeah, I mean screw explanations. )

I need to write. I just have to. A series of random songs and poems off the top of my head.

Come Home Soon

(v.1)
I hate when I have to anticipate your arrival time
You need to come home soon
This has happened way too
Many times
You need to come home
Call the phone, because I know
You can
The line was busy, but I'm sorry
Come home soon

Every time, since I was a little girl
I'd wait, praying for you desperately
You'd come home, late, or in the morning
For your various reasons
And now it's time for this again
I'm trying not to think that you will come home safely
Because I'm afraid that will jinx what has happened before
I need to give it up to God, and pray that you'll come home
I need to stop worrying so much

(chorus)
But everytime you take so long
Past 8:30, and you're still not back yet
You need to give us a call
I don't care if it's 2 in the morning
When you're out for some wrong reason
Or anything excusable
We all just need to hear your voice
Because we love you
Come home soon

(v.2)
I'm waiting for you to call
I know I shouldn't be anxious
And I know whatever God's will is
It will happen
Please keep driving
Hurry home

Have you called the cell?
Are you on your way?
Where are you?
Did you know one night at home
And during a storm
I don't remember how old I was, but I stared at the window
Sobbing
Not knowing if you were coming home or not
But you still did...

I pray everything's alright
(chorus)

(song ending)
We love you
Come home soon
I don't care what you've done in the past
We still love you
All of us
Your heart is looking toward God
And we trust him to bring you safely back to us

---------
My Personal Jacob (a poem)

We never said those things out loud
The words upon our minds
The words 'I love you'
Or, 'You're Beautiful'
Or anything like that
We were best friends for just so long
And I guess it developed into something else
We tried that relationship once, and it faded
And yet, the feelings went on

But when you took someone else to your heart
I wandered off, and thought I'd moved on
I found someone else
I thought I loved him too
And then those weeks where 'we' fluttered
Things unsure

And then you told me things I thought I'd never hear
And it was hard to say no to you
And every word I said
About love and everything
I meant that
But I'm not sure how I meant it
And then we both were left without boyfriend or girlfriend

And you wanted me
Did I really want you?
I thought about 'him' all the time...
And yet I said yes
A weeklong relationship, we tried again
Your arm around my neck
On a ferris wheel
Next to a friend, who was another girl
Who also previously liked you; one of your best friends
And on a ski lift, I got my first kiss
From that other boy I 'loved'
Next to one of my best friends

I wonder if they were jealous, or nervous, or just weirded out
I don't know myself anymore
Or at least what emotions are
Or what they mean
Or what I'm feeling
It's hard to distinguish anything
When I think about you and him

But my personal Jacob Black, you know I love you too
Maybe not the way you want, and I know for you
It won't be enough
When you joked about six years later, coming to my house
To meet my parents

We would be nineteen
Or at least I would
How could I tear that dream apart for you?
Did you really want that?
I did, though, didn't I?
Do you still want to be my friend?
I received your message
One-liners, no replies
On the chat
Even with the jokes...

Or whatever that is
Are you still hurt?
Is there anything I can do?
What is there I can do?
Please...
I don't want to lose you.
------------
And these lyrics aren't mine...

Broken and Beautiful, by Mark Schultz

There’s a businessman, there’s a widowed wife

A smiling face with a shattered life

A teenage girl with a choice to make

It’s crowded here in church today

And the preacher says as the sermon ends

“Please close your eyes, bow your heads

Is there anyone in need of prayer,

Oh Jesus wants to meet you here”

Cause we all fall short, and we all have sinned

But when you let, God’s grace break in

(Chorus)

It’s Beautiful, Beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Well he’d never been to church before

But he came today as a last resort

His world was crashing in

And he was suffocating in his sin

But tears rolled down as hope rushed in

He closed his eyes, raised his hands

Worshipping the God who can

Bring him back to life again

(Chorus)

And it’s beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Cause there’s nothing more beautiful at all

Than when His sons and daughters call, broken

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Come as you are Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Come as you are

(Chorus)

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Come as you are

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Broken and beautiful

Broken and beautiful

Beautiful

((^This song is so incredible. I love it. It is truly amazing.))

I Live For You

(v.1)

Your love is eternal

Your creation is here

Lord, you are beautiful

Your words I can hear

Just when I see that creation

Yet, with all Your power, Your wonder

Your perfection

You love me

(chorus)

You sent Your son to the earth

To give his life

For me

For the world

A gift

We need to accept

To be with you

And that's where I want to be

(v.2)

I am sinful

I live in the world

That has been darkened by sin

And yet, I ask for your forgiveness

And my sins are no more

Your will is my will

Your glory is my purpose in life

(chorus)

(bridge; your love is deep, by Jami Smith)

Your love is deeper than my view of grace

Higher than this worldly place

Longer than this road I travel

Wider than the gap you fill (x2)

(chorus, x2)

I want to go where you want me to

Dear Lord

Your glory is my purpose.

^My first Christian/Worship song I've ever written down.

I Want to Live For You

(v.1)

Even in this world of darkness

The threatens to close in

You are here

You are the light

Even in this place of sorrow

That wishes to swallow us up

You are here

Our comforter

(chorus)

Dear Lord

Your love stretches high and low

Surrounding us

Your life was given for us

You love us so very much

The least I can do

Is live for you

(v.2)

Even when we run from you

We can always come back

Your open arms

Welcome

The prodigals

You're coming back for us

You're calling us to spread Your Word

You love us so much

(chorus)

(bridge)

I want to live for You

I want to live for You

I want to live for You

I want to live for You

(chorus, x2)

I have so much more I need to write right now. SO MUCH. Thank you, Lord!