I NEED TO WRITE!!!!

Screw explanations. (I-I... I mean... yeah, I mean screw explanations. )

I need to write. I just have to. A series of random songs and poems off the top of my head.

Come Home Soon

(v.1)
I hate when I have to anticipate your arrival time
You need to come home soon
This has happened way too
Many times
You need to come home
Call the phone, because I know
You can
The line was busy, but I'm sorry
Come home soon

Every time, since I was a little girl
I'd wait, praying for you desperately
You'd come home, late, or in the morning
For your various reasons
And now it's time for this again
I'm trying not to think that you will come home safely
Because I'm afraid that will jinx what has happened before
I need to give it up to God, and pray that you'll come home
I need to stop worrying so much

(chorus)
But everytime you take so long
Past 8:30, and you're still not back yet
You need to give us a call
I don't care if it's 2 in the morning
When you're out for some wrong reason
Or anything excusable
We all just need to hear your voice
Because we love you
Come home soon

(v.2)
I'm waiting for you to call
I know I shouldn't be anxious
And I know whatever God's will is
It will happen
Please keep driving
Hurry home

Have you called the cell?
Are you on your way?
Where are you?
Did you know one night at home
And during a storm
I don't remember how old I was, but I stared at the window
Sobbing
Not knowing if you were coming home or not
But you still did...

I pray everything's alright
(chorus)

(song ending)
We love you
Come home soon
I don't care what you've done in the past
We still love you
All of us
Your heart is looking toward God
And we trust him to bring you safely back to us

---------
My Personal Jacob (a poem)

We never said those things out loud
The words upon our minds
The words 'I love you'
Or, 'You're Beautiful'
Or anything like that
We were best friends for just so long
And I guess it developed into something else
We tried that relationship once, and it faded
And yet, the feelings went on

But when you took someone else to your heart
I wandered off, and thought I'd moved on
I found someone else
I thought I loved him too
And then those weeks where 'we' fluttered
Things unsure

And then you told me things I thought I'd never hear
And it was hard to say no to you
And every word I said
About love and everything
I meant that
But I'm not sure how I meant it
And then we both were left without boyfriend or girlfriend

And you wanted me
Did I really want you?
I thought about 'him' all the time...
And yet I said yes
A weeklong relationship, we tried again
Your arm around my neck
On a ferris wheel
Next to a friend, who was another girl
Who also previously liked you; one of your best friends
And on a ski lift, I got my first kiss
From that other boy I 'loved'
Next to one of my best friends

I wonder if they were jealous, or nervous, or just weirded out
I don't know myself anymore
Or at least what emotions are
Or what they mean
Or what I'm feeling
It's hard to distinguish anything
When I think about you and him

But my personal Jacob Black, you know I love you too
Maybe not the way you want, and I know for you
It won't be enough
When you joked about six years later, coming to my house
To meet my parents

We would be nineteen
Or at least I would
How could I tear that dream apart for you?
Did you really want that?
I did, though, didn't I?
Do you still want to be my friend?
I received your message
One-liners, no replies
On the chat
Even with the jokes...

Or whatever that is
Are you still hurt?
Is there anything I can do?
What is there I can do?
Please...
I don't want to lose you.
------------
And these lyrics aren't mine...

Broken and Beautiful, by Mark Schultz

There’s a businessman, there’s a widowed wife

A smiling face with a shattered life

A teenage girl with a choice to make

It’s crowded here in church today

And the preacher says as the sermon ends

“Please close your eyes, bow your heads

Is there anyone in need of prayer,

Oh Jesus wants to meet you here”

Cause we all fall short, and we all have sinned

But when you let, God’s grace break in

(Chorus)

It’s Beautiful, Beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Well he’d never been to church before

But he came today as a last resort

His world was crashing in

And he was suffocating in his sin

But tears rolled down as hope rushed in

He closed his eyes, raised his hands

Worshipping the God who can

Bring him back to life again

(Chorus)

And it’s beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Cause there’s nothing more beautiful at all

Than when His sons and daughters call, broken

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Come as you are Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Come as you are

(Chorus)

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Come as you are

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Broken and beautiful

Broken and beautiful

Beautiful

((^This song is so incredible. I love it. It is truly amazing.))

I Live For You

(v.1)

Your love is eternal

Your creation is here

Lord, you are beautiful

Your words I can hear

Just when I see that creation

Yet, with all Your power, Your wonder

Your perfection

You love me

(chorus)

You sent Your son to the earth

To give his life

For me

For the world

A gift

We need to accept

To be with you

And that's where I want to be

(v.2)

I am sinful

I live in the world

That has been darkened by sin

And yet, I ask for your forgiveness

And my sins are no more

Your will is my will

Your glory is my purpose in life

(chorus)

(bridge; your love is deep, by Jami Smith)

Your love is deeper than my view of grace

Higher than this worldly place

Longer than this road I travel

Wider than the gap you fill (x2)

(chorus, x2)

I want to go where you want me to

Dear Lord

Your glory is my purpose.

^My first Christian/Worship song I've ever written down.

I Want to Live For You

(v.1)

Even in this world of darkness

The threatens to close in

You are here

You are the light

Even in this place of sorrow

That wishes to swallow us up

You are here

Our comforter

(chorus)

Dear Lord

Your love stretches high and low

Surrounding us

Your life was given for us

You love us so very much

The least I can do

Is live for you

(v.2)

Even when we run from you

We can always come back

Your open arms

Welcome

The prodigals

You're coming back for us

You're calling us to spread Your Word

You love us so much

(chorus)

(bridge)

I want to live for You

I want to live for You

I want to live for You

I want to live for You

(chorus, x2)

I have so much more I need to write right now. SO MUCH. Thank you, Lord!

Not exactly a first story chapter... NOTE: About storyness stuffs.

NOTE: I've decided I'm just going to keep using these pseudonyms for my friends and write in a story format occasionally.



I'll tell you about other coding later on.



---------



Random 'chapter' (story-style blog)



Kim sat alone in the office room, surrounding by all things familiar, listening to a quiet, silently depressing Blue October song, letting the minor-keyed accoustic guitar melodies fill the room, paired with some of the band's typical heavy lyrics, in the dim light from the sky outside, eminating through the open window, occasionally glancing outside to see the typical sights of normality, the giant pine tree sticking straight up, the teenage boys in the neighbor's yard, probably tossing something around. Everything was familiar.



Sometimes Kim believed that she based all she was after familiarity. She nearly cried over her bedroom getting rearranged just a couple months ago... she felt absolutely pathetic about it. She felt tempted to go check out that 'Adjustment Disorder' article on Wikipedia again... She sighed, and wondered. Wondered about... everything in her personal life, selfishly. She wished she wasn't listening to this depressing song... three bands she knew were rarely happy:



Evanescence

Blue October

Linkin Park



Like in their mist of constant angst/depression/morbid/occasional obsession with vampires or demons... there was just a teensy, tiny, burst of happiness. Well... it would take her a while to find one for Linkin Park... What I've Done wasn't particularly 'depressing'... more like... kind of forgiving yourself and letting go of "what i've doooooooooooooooone!"



She sighed, and stopped thinking about that, switching the song to The Fray's "Hundred". She loved this song... she'd loved The Fray even more, ever since one of her best friends, Rose, had given her the CD at her 13th birthday. Everything seemed so great back then... even with the bad shrimp sushi... but food poisoning passes quickly once it is 'released'. Overlooking that fact, it was one of the greatest parties she'd ever had. It was at a hotel, and all of her friends overlooked any differences and came together to be just... awesome together. She had friends come from at least four different schools... it was so much fun.



It was so carefree, and there was so much to say and do, the pool, the girls just hanging out. She loved being surrounded by friends... and this was back before anyone knew if any one of them was leaving.



Her best friend Rose was moving all the way down to Florida... her pale, vampire-loving friend, with the most brilliant of 13 year old minds that any human being could ever come across. She had her faith, she had her... erm, moments of not-so-greatly-moralistic-humor... but she was one of the greatest friends she'd ever had.



She didn't like using past tense. She intended to KEEP her as one of the greatest friends she'd ever had... that would absolutely never change in her heart.



One of the countless things in her life that was changing. Her mind wasn't used to it. She knew she had God on her side... she knew she shouldn't be taking advantage of his mercy just by saying 'I'm human and I make mistakes' everytime she did something wrong. She prayed for mercy everyday. She just wasn't as close to her Lord as she should be...



Fortunately, she wasn't at that point where one might blame God for everything "wrong" in her life. She knew better than that. But there were so many things changing...



Selfish things, like her appearance, her stomach and legs getting larger, her 'development', her face's inconsistent clarity... and her diet getting to be incorrect for her current point and time and lack of excercise. Her selfish, incosistent desire to want to do something... morbid, almost, her near wish, out of her bitterness toward her outer appearance to want to develop eating disorders that made her lose weight rather than gain it. Only at times did she ever wish this. With much self-analysis, she knew she had a problem. She wasn't far enough gone not to realize that. At an approximately inconsistent 99 pounds almost EVERY TIME she checked her weight at about 4'11", she felt rather uncomfortable about her appearance. She was sure she'd gained something by now... she hadn't been to anyone's house with a functioning scale in a while...



The appearance was another temporary thing, just like life on Earth...



Another temporary thing. Well, at least it was supposed to be short and petty... middle school 'relationships'. They were something she'd always wanted... dreamed about and watched in movies, even when she'd forced herself not to have a crush or attraction to guys (without even the AWARENESS of the fact that people could be homosexual, mind you... innocent little evil mind here... ) until she reluctantly accepted the fact that she actually had a real crush in fifth grade.



Her first 'real' boyfriend who broke up with her... it didn't do much to her, it was just... a shock. Sort of. She wasn't expecting it... she was quite blindsided by this... she was just about to let her shell come down and show him who she really was. And then he said he wanted a break... take it as permanent, he'd said. Even though he wasn't sure... she knew he wasn't sure. She still wanted to be friends... she still had her friends stalk Mark everyday at their school as much as possible... but that was about it. He'd been too stressed out about everything that he'd nearly never tell Kim about.



And she missed him too...



Her regrets. Her well-awareness of her mistakes and wrongdoings, at least select ones that she chose to think over and over about that caused her painful guilt that would occasionally make her depressed. Occasionally. It had been a while, however.



Another thing to add to the list.



Treating yet ANOTHER person she was supposed to care about, other than her family (which was an entirely different subject with regretting wrongdoings) like crap. Someone so close to her... her real almost-boyfriend guy-friend, Jared. She'd said she'd loved him a couple times. On the internet. As always. Just like he did to her. He was so sweet...then she'd started acting like the annoying, strange, 11 year old kid she was in fifth grade. The weird stalker girl who was obsessed with the guy she'd never be able to be with... she became really, really aggravating. It caused her to have memories of the time in fifth and fourth grade she'd been made fun of... she hated that. She hated acting that way, and still blamed herself sometimes. She hated when other kids made fun of other ones. Especially when it drove them to do destructive things... it was nearly hypocritical.



He'd told her he didn't like her, and she started arguing. Maybe it was just over for them officially... she remembered the time that they'd chased each other around the library, the times he'd enter and cover her eyes, daring her to guess who it was, even though she'd always know, the little bear that she'd given him, even though it had probably been from one of those toy machines... she still had it.



She remembered awkwardly sitting on the Ferris Wheel together in their town's summer carnival... she remembered their intense online conversations about miserable things, trying to make him feel better, him being there when she was at her worst. Times when she'd been cruel to him. Times when she knew she'd hurt him badly. Times that she wouldn't admit that he'd hurt her.



She remembered the day when he'd walked up to her after admitting that she'd liked him on the swingset, about 7 days before school would get out of the sixth grade... just to get his friends to stop teasing her cruelly. She told herself, honestly, as she'd jumped off her swing and sped to the other side of the playground, at inhumane speed, in the kiddie area, and sat on the little kid car-bounce-horse-spring-thing, she thought to herself "If he comes, then I'll... go out with him, or whatever... But if he doesn't come for me... then I know... he doesn't like me back, and... yeah..." She was almost miserable, contemplating his reaction. But after some false hope from random girls running over to her without true concern expressed... he came. He came, and she wouldn't forget it. He called his friends assholes. And she couldn't say she disagreed at that time. The strangest of words, even the worst of them, even though they felt good... always remembered.



And still so many regrets...



So many changes. But not all of them were bad... even some of the bad ones could turn into good things. God takes ashes and turns them to beauty. She knew that there was a light guiding her through this all... she just had to let it in.