http://nathanielssuperfunblogtime.blogspot.com/2011/06/something-about-death.html
I'm giving you all a link to Nathaniel's blog as well, because his response to this tragic recent event was a really great one. I hope you read it and make some sense out of it.
Thank you, readers, and God bless once again.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Response.
No apologies this time for not posting. And yet I say I'm sorry. First downright freaking honest entry I've ever written.
(my response to this entry and the events within it)
http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html
Life just goes on, as I listen to the whole story of today. There's tragedy, and in the midst of that, humor in other everyday situations, maybe to keep us anchored so we don't get buried in grief. I wouldn't know.
Everywhere, death is just everywhere. Our young men and women die in wars. We die in car accidents. We die from illness, and accidents of other kinds, we die from accidental poisoning... but the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24 in Minnesota (at least), is suicide.
It's been all over this year. Every week, it seemed, someone in the middle school in the next town over killed themselves, or in high school, or they died in a car accident, or any variety of things. But suicide. Thirty-something fathers with 12 and 8 year olds. Sick men in desperate pain. An 8th grade girl. Valedictorians of high schools. These are the people I've heard of dying this way this year.
I cannot imagine what it's like to be left behind in a situation such as this. I'm praying for the families.
I made a new friend today. He's tried to do this to himself so many times... self-injured from elementary school age. Fortunately, he's not trying to do this anymore. He shared so much with me about his life. This friend of mine also helped out so many of his other friends with this. I've had friends who've tried this. Even I've considered it. At least two people related to me have considered it.
I understand why we ask God why. Why, why, why, why, why, why. To all the questions Job asked God, he responded with all of the incredible, beautiful things that He does in creation, with his own questions... I remember the first time I read Job 38-42. It was at a prayer night for youth group, where the leader told us to find a spot in the room, and that it was okay for us to get angry at God, to let out all our emotions to Him--How Davi'ds Psalms were often about sorrow, and those were prayers to God. He was honest.
That first time, I had prayed briefly, emotionally, about those who died. But moreso, I prayed about those who had survived, whose lives were so difficult, and what made them difficult was written on every step they took, everything families had to do for people, the people I knew who were in great pain, and whose lives were just so hard. Because at that time, I'd been wondering if it was worse to live in misery than to die. I didn't have any personal experience. I had just been wondering.
And now I must pray these things, reread these chapters for those who are suffering loss and grief now. God, Lord, God, there's so much loss! Why on earth are you letting this happen?!
In Job 38-42, God questions Job after Job,who has lost virtually everything that he considered valuable in his life (children, sustenance, health, has a somewhat unsupportive seeming wife, and friends who might not understand), questions him. In these questions, he overwhelms Job with his majesty and mystery and power. When the Lord is done with this speech, Job responds like this:
Job 42
Job
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
And this is what happens next:
Epilogue
7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” 9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[m] and a gold ring.
12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.
16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.
In spite of all that God did for Job, all that he said and did, it still, truly, honestly, does not make it easier. What I've gotten from these verses, from chapters 38-42 of Job, is that God is simply beyond us. We will ask why all we want, and we will never comprehend the answer. And yet, God will continue to bless us.
All through tonight, I've read ponderings that God is ineffective, been around those who believe he doesn't exist, or aren't sure, and who go on, and seen girls cry, heard of my closest friend crying, over this recent tragedy. And God... it's written also, that God will wipe away our every tear in the end of times. And that Jesus cares for the broken.
A song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
But it's so hard. It's so hard not to understand, and to accept that. It's so EASY to just say that God is a horrible god, that He should step in, and if he really was as powerful as it was written that He was, then He would step in and stop this .... from happening. But I can't do that. Because I know it's not true. But it would be so easy. I cannot imagine, simply cannot imagine, the pain of this young man's family and friends right now. It seems death is becoming much more common these days, all around. So many people are grieving, in so much pain. I can only pray that God will give me the strength to help these people, even if it's just an ear to lend them, or just to be silent, or just to not talk if that's what is needed.
For all those who pray, please pray for this young man's family and friends. For peace, without guilt, without all these overwhelming questions. Thank you.
God bless.
-Alison
(my response to this entry and the events within it)
http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html
Life just goes on, as I listen to the whole story of today. There's tragedy, and in the midst of that, humor in other everyday situations, maybe to keep us anchored so we don't get buried in grief. I wouldn't know.
Everywhere, death is just everywhere. Our young men and women die in wars. We die in car accidents. We die from illness, and accidents of other kinds, we die from accidental poisoning... but the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24 in Minnesota (at least), is suicide.
It's been all over this year. Every week, it seemed, someone in the middle school in the next town over killed themselves, or in high school, or they died in a car accident, or any variety of things. But suicide. Thirty-something fathers with 12 and 8 year olds. Sick men in desperate pain. An 8th grade girl. Valedictorians of high schools. These are the people I've heard of dying this way this year.
I cannot imagine what it's like to be left behind in a situation such as this. I'm praying for the families.
I made a new friend today. He's tried to do this to himself so many times... self-injured from elementary school age. Fortunately, he's not trying to do this anymore. He shared so much with me about his life. This friend of mine also helped out so many of his other friends with this. I've had friends who've tried this. Even I've considered it. At least two people related to me have considered it.
I understand why we ask God why. Why, why, why, why, why, why. To all the questions Job asked God, he responded with all of the incredible, beautiful things that He does in creation, with his own questions... I remember the first time I read Job 38-42. It was at a prayer night for youth group, where the leader told us to find a spot in the room, and that it was okay for us to get angry at God, to let out all our emotions to Him--How Davi'ds Psalms were often about sorrow, and those were prayers to God. He was honest.
That first time, I had prayed briefly, emotionally, about those who died. But moreso, I prayed about those who had survived, whose lives were so difficult, and what made them difficult was written on every step they took, everything families had to do for people, the people I knew who were in great pain, and whose lives were just so hard. Because at that time, I'd been wondering if it was worse to live in misery than to die. I didn't have any personal experience. I had just been wondering.
And now I must pray these things, reread these chapters for those who are suffering loss and grief now. God, Lord, God, there's so much loss! Why on earth are you letting this happen?!
In Job 38-42, God questions Job after Job,who has lost virtually everything that he considered valuable in his life (children, sustenance, health, has a somewhat unsupportive seeming wife, and friends who might not understand), questions him. In these questions, he overwhelms Job with his majesty and mystery and power. When the Lord is done with this speech, Job responds like this:
Job 42
Job
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
And this is what happens next:
Epilogue
7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” 9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[m] and a gold ring.
12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.
16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.
In spite of all that God did for Job, all that he said and did, it still, truly, honestly, does not make it easier. What I've gotten from these verses, from chapters 38-42 of Job, is that God is simply beyond us. We will ask why all we want, and we will never comprehend the answer. And yet, God will continue to bless us.
All through tonight, I've read ponderings that God is ineffective, been around those who believe he doesn't exist, or aren't sure, and who go on, and seen girls cry, heard of my closest friend crying, over this recent tragedy. And God... it's written also, that God will wipe away our every tear in the end of times. And that Jesus cares for the broken.
A song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
But it's so hard. It's so hard not to understand, and to accept that. It's so EASY to just say that God is a horrible god, that He should step in, and if he really was as powerful as it was written that He was, then He would step in and stop this .... from happening. But I can't do that. Because I know it's not true. But it would be so easy. I cannot imagine, simply cannot imagine, the pain of this young man's family and friends right now. It seems death is becoming much more common these days, all around. So many people are grieving, in so much pain. I can only pray that God will give me the strength to help these people, even if it's just an ear to lend them, or just to be silent, or just to not talk if that's what is needed.
For all those who pray, please pray for this young man's family and friends. For peace, without guilt, without all these overwhelming questions. Thank you.
God bless.
-Alison
Monday, July 5, 2010
Another apologetic title about not posting enough. (NOT NECESSARY FOR READNG Ranty and venty and angsty and blechhhh.)
I'm really sorry I've been neglectful again. I am so grateful that so many of you still read this, and it's really awesome that you do. I'm sorry that I don't have something better to write after all this time. Anyway, thank you guys so much.
Happy (late) American Independence Day! And reaaaaally late Canada Day! And all the other "days" between the first and the fourth...
And here's for the vent:
It's sort of ridiculous for me to feel bad about myself and this dead end I've mentally and emotionally driven me into. I mean, there are absolutely horrible and despicable things going on in the world right now. And I could be praying for people who need help a lot more than I do.
I waste soooo much time. This summer, I may have helped some people during Carefest, during other events related to Carefest, had some nice conversations with friends online, a few offline. But... I've just been overall unproductive. I haven't even been WRITING consistently. I've been spending all this money I keep getting for no reason. I mean, we're in freaking debt, and I know I should be more frugal and actually care more. I've been barely spending any quality time with my family.
And I've realized that I don't allow myself to really feel anymore. I keep myself protected from emotional pain by a shield and lens called fiction. I mentally translate anything horrible in real life, my life, my friends' lives, and other people's lives into some story. Sure, it might feel creative, it might inspire me to do something, but all I write are mopey, cruddy stories about people with suckish lives who get romance and lose it. I'm just a mopey person on the inside. And I can't seperate myself from fiction.
I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine about fiction and fantasy and realistic fiction. That real life is boring, books aren't original, how Anne Rice is good, how the crud I read is just plain unrealistic in spite of its depressingness, etc. I was beginning to agree with her. Then I watched about three minutes (give or take) of Dr. Phil about this teenage girl who was TRYING TO CUT FAT OFF OF HER LEG WITH A RAZOR to PLEASE HER BOYFRIEND.
And I realized nobody really wants to take reality in it's purest, truest form. Not even me. I feel bad for that girl, I really do, but that is just ridiculous. And horribly painful. I want to help people... but, I'm addicted to fictional reality. As a "writer", my characters invade my head all the time. I'm more roleplayer than writer.
The friend I talk to everyday for hours on end, we don't talk a lot. We roleplay. On the phone. All day sometimes. We're trying to cut down, but it's hard. It's addicting, our characters' horrible realities. And we try on issues there like clothes. The drama is enough that we shouldn't even be watching ABC Family's teenmelodramaticsteamysoapoperas anymore.
Which brings me to something else.
I've recently been watching Pretty Little Liars on that channel. And I just finished the first book today.
I don't know why this stuff is so attractive. I've realized it's just... trash. Trashy drama, trashy scandals, trashy "secrets"... I mean, these girls all have suckish lives, and most of it is self-imposed. And of course, there's the terrorizing queen bee who doesn't go away even after she's "dead" (don't read this if you haven't read all the books/looked up spoilers like the fail I am). It's just... horrible, horrible trash.
Why are trainwrecks so attractive? Why do I want to watch and read and listen to this kind of crap all the time? Why on earth do I write it, roleplay it? Seek it out?
I admit, I like this stuff better when there's some realization of wrong and then some redemption. And I try to make my stories more rough around the edges than just plain edgy and melodramatic (even though they always come out melodramatic no matter how hard I try) .
And then, there's this:
The most important part of my life, which shouldn't just be a part: Jesus. God. My faith. I am so, so lukewarm, so out of it right now. I've let this fictional stuff take over my life and I don't want to give it all up. But I feel this bringing me down. And even so, I should use my talent for good, not trash. I try to make my actual stories have some sort of point to them. But... I don't know. Today has just been a day of thought. I needed to catch up on THINKING, because all I ever do is lose myself in fantasies of a romanticized version of the darkness of reality. Doesn't that sound horrible and ridiculous? Not to mention that I'm completely evil to all of my characters...
I think I need help. I want to be who He wants me to be. If all this fiction is part of His plan, if I have any talent at all, then I need to listen to Him better. But if it's just some idol in my life that I need to cut out, then I'll have to do that too.
[/endventrantblecch]
Thanks everyone. I love you all.
Happy (late) American Independence Day! And reaaaaally late Canada Day! And all the other "days" between the first and the fourth...
And here's for the vent:
It's sort of ridiculous for me to feel bad about myself and this dead end I've mentally and emotionally driven me into. I mean, there are absolutely horrible and despicable things going on in the world right now. And I could be praying for people who need help a lot more than I do.
I waste soooo much time. This summer, I may have helped some people during Carefest, during other events related to Carefest, had some nice conversations with friends online, a few offline. But... I've just been overall unproductive. I haven't even been WRITING consistently. I've been spending all this money I keep getting for no reason. I mean, we're in freaking debt, and I know I should be more frugal and actually care more. I've been barely spending any quality time with my family.
And I've realized that I don't allow myself to really feel anymore. I keep myself protected from emotional pain by a shield and lens called fiction. I mentally translate anything horrible in real life, my life, my friends' lives, and other people's lives into some story. Sure, it might feel creative, it might inspire me to do something, but all I write are mopey, cruddy stories about people with suckish lives who get romance and lose it. I'm just a mopey person on the inside. And I can't seperate myself from fiction.
I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine about fiction and fantasy and realistic fiction. That real life is boring, books aren't original, how Anne Rice is good, how the crud I read is just plain unrealistic in spite of its depressingness, etc. I was beginning to agree with her. Then I watched about three minutes (give or take) of Dr. Phil about this teenage girl who was TRYING TO CUT FAT OFF OF HER LEG WITH A RAZOR to PLEASE HER BOYFRIEND.
And I realized nobody really wants to take reality in it's purest, truest form. Not even me. I feel bad for that girl, I really do, but that is just ridiculous. And horribly painful. I want to help people... but, I'm addicted to fictional reality. As a "writer", my characters invade my head all the time. I'm more roleplayer than writer.
The friend I talk to everyday for hours on end, we don't talk a lot. We roleplay. On the phone. All day sometimes. We're trying to cut down, but it's hard. It's addicting, our characters' horrible realities. And we try on issues there like clothes. The drama is enough that we shouldn't even be watching ABC Family's teenmelodramaticsteamysoapoperas anymore.
Which brings me to something else.
I've recently been watching Pretty Little Liars on that channel. And I just finished the first book today.
I don't know why this stuff is so attractive. I've realized it's just... trash. Trashy drama, trashy scandals, trashy "secrets"... I mean, these girls all have suckish lives, and most of it is self-imposed. And of course, there's the terrorizing queen bee who doesn't go away even after she's "dead" (don't read this if you haven't read all the books/looked up spoilers like the fail I am). It's just... horrible, horrible trash.
Why are trainwrecks so attractive? Why do I want to watch and read and listen to this kind of crap all the time? Why on earth do I write it, roleplay it? Seek it out?
I admit, I like this stuff better when there's some realization of wrong and then some redemption. And I try to make my stories more rough around the edges than just plain edgy and melodramatic (even though they always come out melodramatic no matter how hard I try) .
And then, there's this:
The most important part of my life, which shouldn't just be a part: Jesus. God. My faith. I am so, so lukewarm, so out of it right now. I've let this fictional stuff take over my life and I don't want to give it all up. But I feel this bringing me down. And even so, I should use my talent for good, not trash. I try to make my actual stories have some sort of point to them. But... I don't know. Today has just been a day of thought. I needed to catch up on THINKING, because all I ever do is lose myself in fantasies of a romanticized version of the darkness of reality. Doesn't that sound horrible and ridiculous? Not to mention that I'm completely evil to all of my characters...
I think I need help. I want to be who He wants me to be. If all this fiction is part of His plan, if I have any talent at all, then I need to listen to Him better. But if it's just some idol in my life that I need to cut out, then I'll have to do that too.
[/endventrantblecch]
Thanks everyone. I love you all.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
For everyone. (also on my Facebook notes; Sorry for taking so long to post again.)
This poem was inspired by the ones in Haiti and all around the world, and even right next door or in our classrooms and workplaces who are calling out for help right now. God calls us to love Him, and love others. We cannot be self-absorbed and we can't keep turning away. There are real needs all around us, and I know that we have the means to meet a lot of those needs. So please, everyone, do everything you can, pray, donate, go on missions, or just be a friend, to someone you know who's in need right now. We are called to love others. So let's love each other, let's reach out, and see people the way God sees us, and share love and compassion and mercy and grace.
A song by a woman who really knows what this means:
http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/music-34.html
Thanks, Jill. You're such an incredible example and artist for so many people, and I am really inspired by your heart for Christ and for others, and how you use your amazing gifts to help others. Thank you.
We walk this earth
In this priveleged place
And we forget
There are others.
There are those in pain everyday,
Who don't have what we have,
Who can't afford this selfishness,
This bitterness.
There are those who are struggling to survive,
There are those who are in pain,
Those who survive natural disaster,
Those who are barely making it,
From disasters inside and out.
These are the ones screaming out,
For our help,
For us to reach out,
Not to turn away.
Not to look away,
Not to deny
Their needs
Their pain.
We are self-absorbed,
And we keep making it all about us,
We focus on us,
And this is not the way it should be.
The poor, the sick, the victims,
The survivors, the hurting,
Are screaming out for us.
Even in silence, we should hear them.
God hears their cries,
He calls us.
They're calling to us,
We were meant to love Him,
And we were meant to love others.
Don't turn away,
Don't close your eyes,
To the pain,
Though it hurts even to see it,
We must see it.
We must understand,
Before we can truly love those
Who need Him,
Who need us.
We are called to love.
A song by a woman who really knows what this means:
http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/music-34.html
Thanks, Jill. You're such an incredible example and artist for so many people, and I am really inspired by your heart for Christ and for others, and how you use your amazing gifts to help others. Thank you.
We walk this earth
In this priveleged place
And we forget
There are others.
There are those in pain everyday,
Who don't have what we have,
Who can't afford this selfishness,
This bitterness.
There are those who are struggling to survive,
There are those who are in pain,
Those who survive natural disaster,
Those who are barely making it,
From disasters inside and out.
These are the ones screaming out,
For our help,
For us to reach out,
Not to turn away.
Not to look away,
Not to deny
Their needs
Their pain.
We are self-absorbed,
And we keep making it all about us,
We focus on us,
And this is not the way it should be.
The poor, the sick, the victims,
The survivors, the hurting,
Are screaming out for us.
Even in silence, we should hear them.
God hears their cries,
He calls us.
They're calling to us,
We were meant to love Him,
And we were meant to love others.
Don't turn away,
Don't close your eyes,
To the pain,
Though it hurts even to see it,
We must see it.
We must understand,
Before we can truly love those
Who need Him,
Who need us.
We are called to love.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
To Save a Life (referencing the movie and other lovely stuff)
Here I am, procrastinating my Sunday School assignment. But for mostly good reason. Tonight, was great. And once again, an apology for never posting on this blog. But I saw this movie to night, and I kind of feel like my faith is getting revitalized. Like this is what God wants from me. He wants me to just listen, and just reach out to people. Not to bring them down, not to interrupt them, not to judge, not to anything, but just reach out. Just be a friend. Just to care and to love... and that's what He did, that's what He's calling us to do. Tonight really made that concrete, just watching that movie. Just hanging out with those friends and classmates and youth group buddies and volunteering at that daycare-ish center after school on Friday, it's just... all about love and reaching out. This is it. This is IT, this is what God wants us to do, who He wants us to be. And it's all so clear now.
I can stop focusing on my sins and shortcomings and focus on Him. I can focus on what He's called me to do now. I can work hard on my schoolwork, and I can reach out and I can be a friend, we can all make a difference, in His name, and for everyone in the world.
If you ever get the chance, at any point, see the film "To Save a Life". It is incredible. It might just change your life, or your perspective on everything, or just put everything back into focus. Please see this movie if you can. Please. I guarentee, you will not be disappointed. And I'm not trying to advertise the thing, and it wasn't absolutely perfect, but it has a message and it has an impact. God bless, everyone. Good night, and I love you all.
-Aly
I can stop focusing on my sins and shortcomings and focus on Him. I can focus on what He's called me to do now. I can work hard on my schoolwork, and I can reach out and I can be a friend, we can all make a difference, in His name, and for everyone in the world.
If you ever get the chance, at any point, see the film "To Save a Life". It is incredible. It might just change your life, or your perspective on everything, or just put everything back into focus. Please see this movie if you can. Please. I guarentee, you will not be disappointed. And I'm not trying to advertise the thing, and it wasn't absolutely perfect, but it has a message and it has an impact. God bless, everyone. Good night, and I love you all.
-Aly
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Some sort of poemishvent thing. (a test for myself)
Identity
These days I wonder
Where did my heart go?
Where did my empathy go?
Where did my faith go?
When did this attitude of selfishness, coarseness come from?
When did I turn into this person?
When did my caring die?
When did every thought turn into me?
Where did my selflessness go?
When did I become this person?
When did I start to make excuses?
When did I start apologizing just to make me seem better?
When did I turn into this person?
Where did my heart go?
When did I become the kind of person I'd like to hit?
When did I get so violent?
When did I get so coarse and cruel?
When did I get so ignorant?
When did I lose it?
When did I stop caring?
When did I become all about me?
When did I drain my friendships of substance?
When did my fiction become more important than real life?
When did I stop caring?
When did I become this person?
How could I start a new year as this person?
How could I think about those things?
How come God still forgives me?
Still wants me, still loves me?
How could anyone if they really knew every thought within me?
How is it possible?
Somehow, it is,
He tells me
Somehow, God still loves me.
Somehow, the incredible people
He's placed in my life
Still love me.
Somehow.
God knows me, all of me, and still loves me.
Love you. Loves all of us.
No matter what.
All I know,
Is that my life must be realigned,
Maybe it will be painful,
But my life must be changed.
My dreams, my goals, my passions,
Should all be His.
All of me.
I won't be missing,
I won't be someone I don't know, someone I'd love to hate,
Anymore.
Because of His love, and His grace.
These days I wonder
Where did my heart go?
Where did my empathy go?
Where did my faith go?
When did this attitude of selfishness, coarseness come from?
When did I turn into this person?
When did my caring die?
When did every thought turn into me?
Where did my selflessness go?
When did I become this person?
When did I start to make excuses?
When did I start apologizing just to make me seem better?
When did I turn into this person?
Where did my heart go?
When did I become the kind of person I'd like to hit?
When did I get so violent?
When did I get so coarse and cruel?
When did I get so ignorant?
When did I lose it?
When did I stop caring?
When did I become all about me?
When did I drain my friendships of substance?
When did my fiction become more important than real life?
When did I stop caring?
When did I become this person?
How could I start a new year as this person?
How could I think about those things?
How come God still forgives me?
Still wants me, still loves me?
How could anyone if they really knew every thought within me?
How is it possible?
Somehow, it is,
He tells me
Somehow, God still loves me.
Somehow, the incredible people
He's placed in my life
Still love me.
Somehow.
God knows me, all of me, and still loves me.
Love you. Loves all of us.
No matter what.
All I know,
Is that my life must be realigned,
Maybe it will be painful,
But my life must be changed.
My dreams, my goals, my passions,
Should all be His.
All of me.
I won't be missing,
I won't be someone I don't know, someone I'd love to hate,
Anymore.
Because of His love, and His grace.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year, here's a pathetic, mentally third-grader's vent.
((I'm really sorry for not updating. Everything's semi-anonymous just so I can get this off my chest. Happy New Year's, everyone.))
I must be a clingy child. I mean, it doesn't bother me when my best friend does stuff with her other friend, but with our other best friend? And not even think to include me? Why can't I just let it go?
I said I wanted to go see that movie with the two of them, even though I've already seen it. I SAID it to both of them. I mean, they live fifteen miles away, and it's cold out, and my dad was already in Rochester, and I just HAD to sleep in... gosh. And I mean, I couldn't force any of my friend to pick me up, because that would just be intruding. I'm not jealous, I'm just upset that they didn't even think to include me. Sometimes things don't work out, but... gosh, I'm acting like a child. I really am. Why should this matter? They live a ways away, and they never get to hang out with just the two of them... why can't I just leave them alone?
The thing is, about the internet, is I can fake that I'm fine but not really be it. But I told one friend how I really felt, and the other, I just gave one-word replies. Gosh, I'm so pathetic. I'm just gonna have to let this go. There's nothing that I could've done about it and it's not worth my getting upset over.
But that doesn't mean I'm still not upset about it. I don't like holding grudges, and in my selfish state, I see there are ways I could've gone, but my parents don't want to go into town cuz it's too cold, and the roads are probably dangerous. And I guess it's all just a matter of selfishness. I'm still not too happy, though. :-/
--------------
On New Year's Eve, I went to Rock the Clock. And it was awesome. The three bands I saw: Claret (amazing), Benson Wells (okay, but still good), and my favoriteish of the night, Camera Can't Lie (though we had to leave early when they came on. D:). Most of this time in between bands was spent dancing caffeinated, playing Band Hero (which is amazing) and talking and stuff.
One of the most surprising things was, however, that, after I halfway-joked that being in a band of some sort was one of my New Year's resolutions, "Sam 1" invited me, "Macy", and (I forgot what her codename was...) "Kay" to be in a band with him. I know he's only been playing guitar for a few months, but Macy's been playing bass forever, and Kay has the most incredible voice. If something actually comes out of this band attempt (I've been a few failed ones, most of them never got to the first meeting), I'd say she deserves lead vocalist. I'd say her gift calls for lead EVERYTHING if it comes to singing. But I still want to be a part, so I'll try to make good backup/lyrics (Macy and Sam 1 also have written songs, but I'll try to be useful), and maybe relearn piano so I could play a keyboard. Though what he said we really need is a synthesizer. I think that'd be cool too.
I'm hoping this works out. I'm not as serious about this as I could be, but I will be serious if I know this will be serious.
Anyway, resolutions:
1. Make my life right with God. Really, really, put my whole heart into my relationships with Him and focus on Him. Read His Word, and follow His plans, listen for Him, and most of all, act. Be loving, be compassionate. Listen. Do good. Imitate the fruits of the spirit until they are natural to me.
2. Finish "Interference" (my nanowrimo novel)
3. Be more sensitive. About everything. I personally think I've been too coarse lately about everything.
4. Be less inappropriate. (Something I really need to work on).
5. Let people talk.
6. Get on an exercise regimen. (Even if you say I'm skinny, I still need to get off my lazy butt and do something.)
7. Talk like it's 2 in the morning all the time.
8. Talk to all my friends.
9. Be more grateful, less moody, and less agressive. (really, these are a problem for me. T.T)
10. Live by the so-called motto: Love God and love others. Let your love of Him flow over to everyone around you.
Sorry I missed everything. D: Anyway, really late Merry Christmas, and really late Happy Thanksgiving. <3 I'm thankful for all of my friends who put up with my childishness and obnoxiousness and everythingelseness, my wonderful family who also has to do that and, like my friends, always support me. I thank the genuine people who actually correct me when I'm wrong instead of letting me go off and say stupid things, and my most wonderful boyfriend, Nathaniel. :) He is the most wonderful guy, and I am so blessed to have such a loving person like him by my side.
And most importantly, I thank God for this incredible year, and this incredible life of mine. Without Him, I am nothing.
And thank you to those who still find time to read this neglected piece of fail. ^^'
2009 was a good year. I'm hoping 2010 will go just as well, if not better. Thank you, Lord, for one more year. I love you all, and God bless.
I said I wanted to go see that movie with the two of them, even though I've already seen it. I SAID it to both of them. I mean, they live fifteen miles away, and it's cold out, and my dad was already in Rochester, and I just HAD to sleep in... gosh. And I mean, I couldn't force any of my friend to pick me up, because that would just be intruding. I'm not jealous, I'm just upset that they didn't even think to include me. Sometimes things don't work out, but... gosh, I'm acting like a child. I really am. Why should this matter? They live a ways away, and they never get to hang out with just the two of them... why can't I just leave them alone?
The thing is, about the internet, is I can fake that I'm fine but not really be it. But I told one friend how I really felt, and the other, I just gave one-word replies. Gosh, I'm so pathetic. I'm just gonna have to let this go. There's nothing that I could've done about it and it's not worth my getting upset over.
But that doesn't mean I'm still not upset about it. I don't like holding grudges, and in my selfish state, I see there are ways I could've gone, but my parents don't want to go into town cuz it's too cold, and the roads are probably dangerous. And I guess it's all just a matter of selfishness. I'm still not too happy, though. :-/
--------------
On New Year's Eve, I went to Rock the Clock. And it was awesome. The three bands I saw: Claret (amazing), Benson Wells (okay, but still good), and my favoriteish of the night, Camera Can't Lie (though we had to leave early when they came on. D:). Most of this time in between bands was spent dancing caffeinated, playing Band Hero (which is amazing) and talking and stuff.
One of the most surprising things was, however, that, after I halfway-joked that being in a band of some sort was one of my New Year's resolutions, "Sam 1" invited me, "Macy", and (I forgot what her codename was...) "Kay" to be in a band with him. I know he's only been playing guitar for a few months, but Macy's been playing bass forever, and Kay has the most incredible voice. If something actually comes out of this band attempt (I've been a few failed ones, most of them never got to the first meeting), I'd say she deserves lead vocalist. I'd say her gift calls for lead EVERYTHING if it comes to singing. But I still want to be a part, so I'll try to make good backup/lyrics (Macy and Sam 1 also have written songs, but I'll try to be useful), and maybe relearn piano so I could play a keyboard. Though what he said we really need is a synthesizer. I think that'd be cool too.
I'm hoping this works out. I'm not as serious about this as I could be, but I will be serious if I know this will be serious.
Anyway, resolutions:
1. Make my life right with God. Really, really, put my whole heart into my relationships with Him and focus on Him. Read His Word, and follow His plans, listen for Him, and most of all, act. Be loving, be compassionate. Listen. Do good. Imitate the fruits of the spirit until they are natural to me.
2. Finish "Interference" (my nanowrimo novel)
3. Be more sensitive. About everything. I personally think I've been too coarse lately about everything.
4. Be less inappropriate. (Something I really need to work on).
5. Let people talk.
6. Get on an exercise regimen. (Even if you say I'm skinny, I still need to get off my lazy butt and do something.)
7. Talk like it's 2 in the morning all the time.
8. Talk to all my friends.
9. Be more grateful, less moody, and less agressive. (really, these are a problem for me. T.T)
10. Live by the so-called motto: Love God and love others. Let your love of Him flow over to everyone around you.
Sorry I missed everything. D: Anyway, really late Merry Christmas, and really late Happy Thanksgiving. <3 I'm thankful for all of my friends who put up with my childishness and obnoxiousness and everythingelseness, my wonderful family who also has to do that and, like my friends, always support me. I thank the genuine people who actually correct me when I'm wrong instead of letting me go off and say stupid things, and my most wonderful boyfriend, Nathaniel. :) He is the most wonderful guy, and I am so blessed to have such a loving person like him by my side.
And most importantly, I thank God for this incredible year, and this incredible life of mine. Without Him, I am nothing.
And thank you to those who still find time to read this neglected piece of fail. ^^'
2009 was a good year. I'm hoping 2010 will go just as well, if not better. Thank you, Lord, for one more year. I love you all, and God bless.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
June 2009 (highlights; next blog-July 2009, after that, August; big surprise there. xD)
I'll just summarize a few of the significant events in my summer. :)
June
A week before the girls' cabin trip, I went over to Ella's and slept over. It was rather fun. I remember that we watched this one episode of the X-Files, where Sculley and Mulder went to this house haunted by this older ghost couple that gets their kicks out of causing every couple that enters the house (that has the same-looking room in it, no matter what door you travel through, once you get past the entrance) to have their same fate--driven to the point where they kill themselves, or having the ghosts kill them, don't really remember. Now, it sounds intense, but the ghost couple themselves were somewhat humorous. Yet there were a couple of moments... yeah. Good episode. I remember Ella and I talked about stuff and then danced around to Lady Gaga's CD. XD That was really fun. I enjoyed hanging out with her.
The next weekend, I went on the Girls Get-a-way, a trip up to a cabin of one of the family's of a girl in my youth group, held on the same "weekend" (Thursday-Sunday) as the boys big camping trip... I think it was at the Boundary Waters. Anyway, it was awesome. We went tubing and kayaking, and bike riding, ate dinner at this nice pizza place and hung out with the girls telling stories and roasting marshmallows on the fire every night. Ella came with me there, and I think most of us had a great time, except for a girl who went home sick, and the one who had one of her dogs put down while we were there. Her dad (because they owned the cabin, and he was staying there a couple days) took her home when he went home. On the way back, we stopped at a Culver's for food, and Ella and I tanned on the front sidewalk of the restaurant. xD It was rather fun.
Various times during the summer, I caught up with a friend, that I've mentioned before, but don't remember her codename... anyway, I caught up with her on little bike rides over the summer, and that was pretty fun. I also hung out with "Macy" after church a few times, also fun. Later in the summer, I went to the pool and the mall with a girl from school, and I've become a little bit closer to her, which I'm glad that I have.
Another big highlight of my summer was another sleepover-one with Leah and Montana. For in-depth detail on that one:
http://iwillbitethephonetoproveitsharmless.blogspot.com/2009/06/sleepover-and-various-weekend-epicness.html
We went out to the river, watched Phantom of the Opera, and the Dark Knight. We recorded singing on Snapvine, and stayed up late. XD It was pretty darn awesome. :) Then Leah stayed the rest of the weekend. xD Pretty fun times for all of us.
Wow, I can't believe it was June 28... o.O That's pretty insanium in the cranium, dawg. Well, that's the highlights of June. :)
June
A week before the girls' cabin trip, I went over to Ella's and slept over. It was rather fun. I remember that we watched this one episode of the X-Files, where Sculley and Mulder went to this house haunted by this older ghost couple that gets their kicks out of causing every couple that enters the house (that has the same-looking room in it, no matter what door you travel through, once you get past the entrance) to have their same fate--driven to the point where they kill themselves, or having the ghosts kill them, don't really remember. Now, it sounds intense, but the ghost couple themselves were somewhat humorous. Yet there were a couple of moments... yeah. Good episode. I remember Ella and I talked about stuff and then danced around to Lady Gaga's CD. XD That was really fun. I enjoyed hanging out with her.
The next weekend, I went on the Girls Get-a-way, a trip up to a cabin of one of the family's of a girl in my youth group, held on the same "weekend" (Thursday-Sunday) as the boys big camping trip... I think it was at the Boundary Waters. Anyway, it was awesome. We went tubing and kayaking, and bike riding, ate dinner at this nice pizza place and hung out with the girls telling stories and roasting marshmallows on the fire every night. Ella came with me there, and I think most of us had a great time, except for a girl who went home sick, and the one who had one of her dogs put down while we were there. Her dad (because they owned the cabin, and he was staying there a couple days) took her home when he went home. On the way back, we stopped at a Culver's for food, and Ella and I tanned on the front sidewalk of the restaurant. xD It was rather fun.
Various times during the summer, I caught up with a friend, that I've mentioned before, but don't remember her codename... anyway, I caught up with her on little bike rides over the summer, and that was pretty fun. I also hung out with "Macy" after church a few times, also fun. Later in the summer, I went to the pool and the mall with a girl from school, and I've become a little bit closer to her, which I'm glad that I have.
Another big highlight of my summer was another sleepover-one with Leah and Montana. For in-depth detail on that one:
http://iwillbitethephonetoproveitsharmless.blogspot.com/2009/06/sleepover-and-various-weekend-epicness.html
We went out to the river, watched Phantom of the Opera, and the Dark Knight. We recorded singing on Snapvine, and stayed up late. XD It was pretty darn awesome. :) Then Leah stayed the rest of the weekend. xD Pretty fun times for all of us.
Wow, I can't believe it was June 28... o.O That's pretty insanium in the cranium, dawg. Well, that's the highlights of June. :)
An attempt to revive... (ventish. I'm sorry. :( ) You don't have to read.
I am so, so, so, so, SO, incredibly sorry that I haven't been updating lately. And I'll do special posts on my first week of school and summer at... some point. :-/ I'm really sorry. I'll try to generalize some stuff here. Thanks for watching my blog, though, you guys are so great. And if you haven't been... ^^' Well, I totally and completely understand.
Things have been fairly easy for me the past three days, and tommorrow, I leave school in the middle of the day to go on a trip to Wisconsin Dells with my family, and that'll be fun.
But I know a few people I'm sure don't have it that easy.
I'm wondering if my end-of-summer fears are becoming true. Except, there are no problems with school for me yet. I just... when I come home, I continue researching whatever I feel like that day, I keep on questioning, and sometimes I have negative thoughts about myself and my body, yet starting phy ed today has me quite reassured. But I need more than that in exercise.
And I'm so, so focused on myself. I need to get rid of that. And look at me complaining about me when I could be talking about more interesting and less self-depreceating (sp?) like summer and the first days of school... and maybe even my friends. I mean... *sigh*
I wish I could really help some, I mean, there are things that they're going through, that might not be as intense as I've heard from them or my other ones before, but I know a couple of them are pretty stressed out.
I'm so selfish when it comes to stuff. When I should be quiet and supportive, I'm talkative and overly peppy. When I know there are more important things in someone's life, all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. And possibly, they never will. I'm so, so selfish. Some of you may know, but I save so many tears for guilt. Maybe when they should be for someone else's pain. Rather than what may or may not be my own justified guilt.
But I'm scared. Of losing what I already have, I'm always scared of losing people, but usually, I'm scared of people dying. Some times during this summer, that fear consumed my thoughts. I had two dreams, one where someone very close to me, someone in my family, was dying, and another, where my principal died, and I was returning to school, the summer afterwards, and just hearing the news.
I could write an entire blog post about that, but this is different. Now, I'm fearing the loss of living people. I hated reading Melody Carlson's "Dark Blue" because it was just hard to read. The girl might have been misinterpreting a lot from her friend, and overreacting a little, but the concept, drifting apart from your best friend, it was painful. "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson was painful, utterly painful, because it dealt with the negative pressures the girls put on each other, and their ultimate seperation.
I can't live paralyzed by fear, and I have give everything up to God, but I just hate considering... certain possibilities. I'm just so, too, dependent on people sometimes... on relationships sometimes... okay, all the time. I'll be downright honest, I am so utterly dependent on relationships. And on routines I have. And I can be pretty dang pathetic and insensitive a lot when it comes to some things and I just can't stand it most times. I acknowledge my behavior, but sometimes I wonder if I can change. I know I can, in God's strength. But I need help. I need His help. Through God I can do all things. And in His strength I can do anything. But I have to trust Him. I have to. My faith is key in everything I do, GOD is key in everything I do... God is always here.
Believers, if you could pray for my friends, I'm not going to go into detail about them, because I have several friends who need help with several things, if possible. And thank you all my readers for your support and readership. God bless you all. Love you all. Thanks so much again.
Things have been fairly easy for me the past three days, and tommorrow, I leave school in the middle of the day to go on a trip to Wisconsin Dells with my family, and that'll be fun.
But I know a few people I'm sure don't have it that easy.
I'm wondering if my end-of-summer fears are becoming true. Except, there are no problems with school for me yet. I just... when I come home, I continue researching whatever I feel like that day, I keep on questioning, and sometimes I have negative thoughts about myself and my body, yet starting phy ed today has me quite reassured. But I need more than that in exercise.
And I'm so, so focused on myself. I need to get rid of that. And look at me complaining about me when I could be talking about more interesting and less self-depreceating (sp?) like summer and the first days of school... and maybe even my friends. I mean... *sigh*
I wish I could really help some, I mean, there are things that they're going through, that might not be as intense as I've heard from them or my other ones before, but I know a couple of them are pretty stressed out.
I'm so selfish when it comes to stuff. When I should be quiet and supportive, I'm talkative and overly peppy. When I know there are more important things in someone's life, all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. And possibly, they never will. I'm so, so selfish. Some of you may know, but I save so many tears for guilt. Maybe when they should be for someone else's pain. Rather than what may or may not be my own justified guilt.
But I'm scared. Of losing what I already have, I'm always scared of losing people, but usually, I'm scared of people dying. Some times during this summer, that fear consumed my thoughts. I had two dreams, one where someone very close to me, someone in my family, was dying, and another, where my principal died, and I was returning to school, the summer afterwards, and just hearing the news.
I could write an entire blog post about that, but this is different. Now, I'm fearing the loss of living people. I hated reading Melody Carlson's "Dark Blue" because it was just hard to read. The girl might have been misinterpreting a lot from her friend, and overreacting a little, but the concept, drifting apart from your best friend, it was painful. "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson was painful, utterly painful, because it dealt with the negative pressures the girls put on each other, and their ultimate seperation.
I can't live paralyzed by fear, and I have give everything up to God, but I just hate considering... certain possibilities. I'm just so, too, dependent on people sometimes... on relationships sometimes... okay, all the time. I'll be downright honest, I am so utterly dependent on relationships. And on routines I have. And I can be pretty dang pathetic and insensitive a lot when it comes to some things and I just can't stand it most times. I acknowledge my behavior, but sometimes I wonder if I can change. I know I can, in God's strength. But I need help. I need His help. Through God I can do all things. And in His strength I can do anything. But I have to trust Him. I have to. My faith is key in everything I do, GOD is key in everything I do... God is always here.
Believers, if you could pray for my friends, I'm not going to go into detail about them, because I have several friends who need help with several things, if possible. And thank you all my readers for your support and readership. God bless you all. Love you all. Thanks so much again.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Because of my neglectfulness and laziness...
http://www.snapvine.com/sb/d426684c8b4911dea02d0030485b0f88?user=475e261af5f511dc81880030485b0f88
Snapvine for my blog post. Some of it got scratchy, so I apologize, but yeah. :( Thanks guys for following this even though I'm the WORST blog updater on the face of the planet... o.O
ILY all! God bless! :) I hope you guys have a great rest-of-the-summer!
Snapvine for my blog post. Some of it got scratchy, so I apologize, but yeah. :( Thanks guys for following this even though I'm the WORST blog updater on the face of the planet... o.O
ILY all! God bless! :) I hope you guys have a great rest-of-the-summer!
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