I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
I will write and finish a story in 2011.
(Now to get started on writing and finishing a story in 2011. I feel as though I am vaguely trolling my own blog. Regardless. This. Will. Happen. I. WILL. Complete. A. Draft. Of. An. Original. Fiction. Story. THIS. YEAR.)
There's just too much inspiration for stories. There's just too much reality around me, too many fears, too many hopes, too many dreams, too much, too much, TOO MUCH, and I just CANNOT let this go on any longer. I HAVE to finish a draft, some draft, ANY draft, of ANY story, and I'm not going to wait until November to try! Dangit, I'm going to have 50,000 done BY November, if it kills me! Which it could. Potentially. Especially with all the things I'm doing this year/semester. Actually, this is the perfect place for me to finally solidify my goals this year. All of them, not just my writing goals. So here goes, for future reference:
-LIVE FOR CHRIST. I am unashamed of my God, of my faith, of the truth it holds in my life. Of His saving grace, and spilled blood for my salvation, and His love. And have I shown this Love recently? Not enough. Not. Enough. This is my first and foremost goal this year, and from this, will all my other goals and hopefully accomplishments, spring. Not only this, but that it will enrich every new friendship I become a part of, and that it will improve and revitalize every social relationship I am currently involved in (family, friends, etc.).
-Deepen my relationships with people. My current friends, my less-contacted friends, my family, groups I'm involved with, people I've never really paid enough attention to. This is something that is also incredibly important.
-Improve relationships with males in particular. In years past, I've had so many shortcomings in being capable of having meaningful friendships with guys in my age group; whether it's been obvious or not, or whether I've been terribly obvious in my expression of this, I usually end up crushing on any guy I get close to. This is something I need to work on, very much. I feel like this could be very damaging to any serious romantic or platonic relationship I have with another male person in the future. I will work at this, so I will save my (potential) future husband from having a potentially dysfunctional relationship, and save him and myself from having the pain that could come from this behavior I've displayed so far in my life.
-Work HARDER. This year, I need to learn self-motivation, self-determination, and self-discipline. I have a lot to do, more than I've ever had to do academically, and I intend to get a job. But with these other dysfunctional and deeply established behaviors of myself so far (the tendency to procrastinate to the very last minute, to allow lots of work to build up and cause myself to be overwhelmed by the work that piles up), I'm going to need to work REALLY hard to reverse these behaviors. And I'm willing to do that. And I WILL do that, not only because I don't really have a choice, but because I know it's something I need to do, and a part of my actions I've wanted to change for a long time.
-Keep dreaming. And make more realistic (and less abstract) goals to reach these dreams and goals.
-KEEP PRAYING. Keep trusting. Keep having faith. Keep loving.
-LISTEN. Listen to people, listen for what's behind what people say.
-Learn. Learn as much as possible, about as much as possible.
-Laugh more. Take some things a lot less seriously, but don't leave empathy and sensitivity behind.
-Exercise. This is on every goal list I make. But this one is going to need some serious expansion, like the goal-reaching goal itself. I need a constructive, specific, list of goals to increase what I need to do. I just have to improve my health, and this is where I'm lacking the most.
-Write every day. More specifically, write parts of particular stories every day. Begin the post-it note stories with Leah and Nathaniel (this being something I will expand upon later, and I promise! that I will do this.). Finish either my stories Sunlight, Interference, Rescue, Broken Ice, or the post-it note story.
So there we have it. These are my goals for this year and next. Love you all.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
With three billion other more significant things to write about...
In the middle of all my recently selfish thoughts, and my incredibly annoying constant self-analysis and potential self-doubt, especially when expressed aloud, is this one positive focus.
This future I have, and these things I want to do, and what I know I'm being called too. I've realized, with all that annoying self-analysis, that I am incredibly idealistic, potentially optimistic, but still have an amazing ability to see all the things that could and do go wrong. However insignificant (with the upcoming beginning of grade 11 in High School, obtaining my driver's license potentially soon, and bigger issues that have been on my mind, such as Hurricane Irene, modern-day slavery, issues of faith and showing it to those around me through love and action, disability rights and people's ignorance, social models of this and mental illness, psychology, sociology, the economy, veganism, animal treatment, abortion, differences between the UK and the U.S., family, politics, other social issues, the state of local news and how stories are presented, etc....), this one seems to be the one that keeps recurring. Writing. Stories. Getting something accomplished.
And so far, it hasn't happened. But it might. No, it will. I've made it a habit to say I WILL, so that I have made a commitment. I have many things to pray about, many people, many issues, so much grace to be grateful for, so much to be happy about, so much to thank God for, and I do that. And when I think about it, I actually am really busy right now in life. I would be falling apart without God. I'm so grateful for all that is going on in my life right now. And change would usually freak me out a lot, especially an increase in activity like I've had lately with the beginning of my part-time enrollment in college courses at an actual college. And I know I have a lot more to figure out, even within the next week. Within the next day. However, there... there's a lot to be grateful for. I kind of lost my central point in this entry, but I guess that's what this entry is about now. I'm really thankful for all that's gone on in my life lately. I'm going to change my selfish nature, though. That I am determined to do.
God loves you all, and I do too. I hope this entry isn't as disappointing as I think it is.
This future I have, and these things I want to do, and what I know I'm being called too. I've realized, with all that annoying self-analysis, that I am incredibly idealistic, potentially optimistic, but still have an amazing ability to see all the things that could and do go wrong. However insignificant (with the upcoming beginning of grade 11 in High School, obtaining my driver's license potentially soon, and bigger issues that have been on my mind, such as Hurricane Irene, modern-day slavery, issues of faith and showing it to those around me through love and action, disability rights and people's ignorance, social models of this and mental illness, psychology, sociology, the economy, veganism, animal treatment, abortion, differences between the UK and the U.S., family, politics, other social issues, the state of local news and how stories are presented, etc....), this one seems to be the one that keeps recurring. Writing. Stories. Getting something accomplished.
And so far, it hasn't happened. But it might. No, it will. I've made it a habit to say I WILL, so that I have made a commitment. I have many things to pray about, many people, many issues, so much grace to be grateful for, so much to be happy about, so much to thank God for, and I do that. And when I think about it, I actually am really busy right now in life. I would be falling apart without God. I'm so grateful for all that is going on in my life right now. And change would usually freak me out a lot, especially an increase in activity like I've had lately with the beginning of my part-time enrollment in college courses at an actual college. And I know I have a lot more to figure out, even within the next week. Within the next day. However, there... there's a lot to be grateful for. I kind of lost my central point in this entry, but I guess that's what this entry is about now. I'm really thankful for all that's gone on in my life lately. I'm going to change my selfish nature, though. That I am determined to do.
God loves you all, and I do too. I hope this entry isn't as disappointing as I think it is.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Things I've dealt with. (My testimony)
Recently, I've had a conversation with a very good friend of mine who is dealing with some really serious things. I'd like to publish my thoughts on this right here, in this blog. Thank you all who read this.
For my youth group's mission trip, each person on the team (fifteen total--12 students, three adults) needed to write out their testimony of God's faithfulness in life. If not written out entirely, at least outlined. If not outlined, we should have had at least a slightly remote idea of what we might say. And if not that, we'd pray that the Holy Spirit would lead our words. The latter we would do anyway, but it was written that we should have had at LEAST SOMETHING to share. I had written something--a page-long ESSAY, essentially, on my entire life, including info about my parents before I was even conceived. While it was a great testimony and story, it just wasn't enough, at least in my opinion. It was rambly. And everybody else simply had outlines, it seemed.
And while everybody but me and one other girl took the opportunity to share their testimony in front of the small congregations that we visited almost DAILY, I did get the chance to share. With an even smaller congregation. A very small group of children, that we were working with for a church's Kid's Club on Monday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's. I shared about how I didn't always understand God, but He was always faithful to my family. He always provided for my family. And how He was still there and strengthening my friends who were Christian, but who did not come from Christian families. Now I have no idea if my story had an impact on those kids, but I pray that they made that decision to follow Christ, or that they do, at some point.
But the important thing was that I shared. I told someone my story, one of my small stories, about how God was faithful to my family, my friends, and myself. The story I told was short and not detailed, as we were in a circle with four other student leaders plus a student translator, and probably not over six little girls, and one's toddler brother, and we were all supposed to share.
I realized, maybe not exactly THERE, but at least on the mission trip, that my story mattered. That I HAD a story to share. That God DID have a plan for me. And He DOES have a plan for me. I learned that He uses my past, which I thought was average and insignificant and unrelatable to help others see Him. That if I pointed my story up to Him, and used it for His glory, well... it would bring Him glory. I really, genuinel mattered.
What's more, is that God is the One who mattered most.
And now I have a story to share. This is the testimony I feel like I'd go around sharing if I was asked to share more often. This is the testimony I'd tell you if I felt God leading me to tell you it. This is my story, and the story of God's faithfulness in my life (note that this is a lengthy written version; out loud, it would probably be shorter and much better told):
I suppose I'll begin with "conversion". I was about five, probably, the first time I decided to accept Jesus Christ into my life. I probably raised my hand in church, and prayed the prayer. The sad truth is, I don't really remember the first time I did this. I do remember one of these times, though, the one I considered "official", for a long time. I was eight years old. I raised my hand in Vacation Bible School, on that lovely altar call day I've learned to help with when I have led small groups for VBS myself. Several others and I were taken into a seperate classroom, prayed for, and given children's tracts. My parents were told. They were so happy and so proud of me.
I was raised in a Christian home. My parents are both Christians, and each have their own amazing story of God's faithfulness. We still attend the same church that I was "converted" in. But as many stories like this go, I really didn't understand God or my faith, or what I was supposed to do with this, until around early middle school. And at this same time, I began to struggle with things. I started to see not only God's presence, but the presence of evil and the presence of suffering. I began to see all the darkness around me, and I started to let it consume me. I started not only seeing the pain of others, but began to realize flaws about myself. Like how selfish I was. How fat I was. How strange and abnormal I was. I started to withdraw. I had good, close friends, people God put in my life for Him to work through, however, I was still struggling. I struggled with how I saw myself. I struggled with how I was unable to help my friends as much as I wanted to. I struggled with how the only decisions I could make, were my own. And I struggled with how I thought that I was a terrible, selfish, guilty person, who deserved to be punished. I saw my every mistake, no matter how small, as something huge and terrible.
And I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to hurt myself. And I wanted to make myself more acceptable, at the same time. I never did these things physically, but I thought about them all the time. On some occasions, I thought that I would never be accepted, or be acceptable, and that the world would be better without me, and that my wrongdoings, my sins that I couldn't accept grace for, made me worthless. Made me worthy of death. And like I mentioned, I never came up with a plan. I found a Bible verse in a children's daily Bible, about how helping others stored up treasures in Heaven. At the time, I really didn't care about the treasures. All I knew was that God had a plan for me, still here, still on Earth. That His plan was for me to help others. I took this as a call.
Things didn't get easier from there. All throughout middle school, and even in high school, I dealt with fluctuating self-esteem, and not forgiving myself. Not accepting God's forgiveness and grace. I dealt with feeling overwhelmed by the sin and the pain of this world, and of myself. Of allowing myself to fall behind. Of wondering what my purpose is in life. Doubting God and His abilities. Fearing the judgement of others.
But now, now I know something I didn't know then--God will work everything out. For His glory. For good. He wants GOOD for me. He will use me for the incredible things in His plan. He is already using me. He has already USED me! God is amazing! He has given me this incredible life, and at least two incredible spiritual gifts, and He loves me so much, and would never want harm for me. He only wants to bring me closer to Him.
So now I live for Him, one moment at a time. He is my rock and my salvation. And He loves you too, and has an incredible plan for you.
For my youth group's mission trip, each person on the team (fifteen total--12 students, three adults) needed to write out their testimony of God's faithfulness in life. If not written out entirely, at least outlined. If not outlined, we should have had at least a slightly remote idea of what we might say. And if not that, we'd pray that the Holy Spirit would lead our words. The latter we would do anyway, but it was written that we should have had at LEAST SOMETHING to share. I had written something--a page-long ESSAY, essentially, on my entire life, including info about my parents before I was even conceived. While it was a great testimony and story, it just wasn't enough, at least in my opinion. It was rambly. And everybody else simply had outlines, it seemed.
And while everybody but me and one other girl took the opportunity to share their testimony in front of the small congregations that we visited almost DAILY, I did get the chance to share. With an even smaller congregation. A very small group of children, that we were working with for a church's Kid's Club on Monday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's. I shared about how I didn't always understand God, but He was always faithful to my family. He always provided for my family. And how He was still there and strengthening my friends who were Christian, but who did not come from Christian families. Now I have no idea if my story had an impact on those kids, but I pray that they made that decision to follow Christ, or that they do, at some point.
But the important thing was that I shared. I told someone my story, one of my small stories, about how God was faithful to my family, my friends, and myself. The story I told was short and not detailed, as we were in a circle with four other student leaders plus a student translator, and probably not over six little girls, and one's toddler brother, and we were all supposed to share.
I realized, maybe not exactly THERE, but at least on the mission trip, that my story mattered. That I HAD a story to share. That God DID have a plan for me. And He DOES have a plan for me. I learned that He uses my past, which I thought was average and insignificant and unrelatable to help others see Him. That if I pointed my story up to Him, and used it for His glory, well... it would bring Him glory. I really, genuinel mattered.
What's more, is that God is the One who mattered most.
And now I have a story to share. This is the testimony I feel like I'd go around sharing if I was asked to share more often. This is the testimony I'd tell you if I felt God leading me to tell you it. This is my story, and the story of God's faithfulness in my life (note that this is a lengthy written version; out loud, it would probably be shorter and much better told):
I suppose I'll begin with "conversion". I was about five, probably, the first time I decided to accept Jesus Christ into my life. I probably raised my hand in church, and prayed the prayer. The sad truth is, I don't really remember the first time I did this. I do remember one of these times, though, the one I considered "official", for a long time. I was eight years old. I raised my hand in Vacation Bible School, on that lovely altar call day I've learned to help with when I have led small groups for VBS myself. Several others and I were taken into a seperate classroom, prayed for, and given children's tracts. My parents were told. They were so happy and so proud of me.
I was raised in a Christian home. My parents are both Christians, and each have their own amazing story of God's faithfulness. We still attend the same church that I was "converted" in. But as many stories like this go, I really didn't understand God or my faith, or what I was supposed to do with this, until around early middle school. And at this same time, I began to struggle with things. I started to see not only God's presence, but the presence of evil and the presence of suffering. I began to see all the darkness around me, and I started to let it consume me. I started not only seeing the pain of others, but began to realize flaws about myself. Like how selfish I was. How fat I was. How strange and abnormal I was. I started to withdraw. I had good, close friends, people God put in my life for Him to work through, however, I was still struggling. I struggled with how I saw myself. I struggled with how I was unable to help my friends as much as I wanted to. I struggled with how the only decisions I could make, were my own. And I struggled with how I thought that I was a terrible, selfish, guilty person, who deserved to be punished. I saw my every mistake, no matter how small, as something huge and terrible.
And I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to hurt myself. And I wanted to make myself more acceptable, at the same time. I never did these things physically, but I thought about them all the time. On some occasions, I thought that I would never be accepted, or be acceptable, and that the world would be better without me, and that my wrongdoings, my sins that I couldn't accept grace for, made me worthless. Made me worthy of death. And like I mentioned, I never came up with a plan. I found a Bible verse in a children's daily Bible, about how helping others stored up treasures in Heaven. At the time, I really didn't care about the treasures. All I knew was that God had a plan for me, still here, still on Earth. That His plan was for me to help others. I took this as a call.
Things didn't get easier from there. All throughout middle school, and even in high school, I dealt with fluctuating self-esteem, and not forgiving myself. Not accepting God's forgiveness and grace. I dealt with feeling overwhelmed by the sin and the pain of this world, and of myself. Of allowing myself to fall behind. Of wondering what my purpose is in life. Doubting God and His abilities. Fearing the judgement of others.
But now, now I know something I didn't know then--God will work everything out. For His glory. For good. He wants GOOD for me. He will use me for the incredible things in His plan. He is already using me. He has already USED me! God is amazing! He has given me this incredible life, and at least two incredible spiritual gifts, and He loves me so much, and would never want harm for me. He only wants to bring me closer to Him.
So now I live for Him, one moment at a time. He is my rock and my salvation. And He loves you too, and has an incredible plan for you.
Things I'm going to do with this blog now.
I've decided that I will now be updating regularly on this blog. However short my entries may be. And one way I will be making myself do this is to begin a series of blog entries expressing my viewpoint on rather important issues as I'm led to write about, through experiences or observation I make during a week. This past week I might write about:
-Bullying
-Depression
-God (this would take a while. xD <3) -Low Expectations of young adults (based on a short passage of Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris which I read in the past week)
-American culture's view of love (based on the media and what real love is--and not like the craptastic blog entry I wrote about "love" a long, long time ago)
-Movies that mean something
I would also like to begin writing down my mental/conversational critique of films and books and shows that I view/read, to see if they are helpful at all. I'd probably do this from a Christian perspective, but not always a totally conservative one. So it could be interesting. Or not. We'll see, I suppose. Thank you all who support my endeavors.
But I'd also like to publish more important stuff. Anyways, let's all hope and pray this gets through!
-Alison
God bless! Love you all!
-Bullying
-Depression
-God (this would take a while. xD <3) -Low Expectations of young adults (based on a short passage of Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris which I read in the past week)
-American culture's view of love (based on the media and what real love is--and not like the craptastic blog entry I wrote about "love" a long, long time ago)
-Movies that mean something
I would also like to begin writing down my mental/conversational critique of films and books and shows that I view/read, to see if they are helpful at all. I'd probably do this from a Christian perspective, but not always a totally conservative one. So it could be interesting. Or not. We'll see, I suppose. Thank you all who support my endeavors.
But I'd also like to publish more important stuff. Anyways, let's all hope and pray this gets through!
-Alison
God bless! Love you all!
Life now!
http://cefchighschoolmissions.blogspot.com/
There's too much to say, but the above link says some of it. I just want to say that my life... I'm just seeing it now, is just so incredible. So beautiful. And God really has me now. He has ALL of me now. And when He doesn't, I'll keep coming back. I've never felt this amazing before, ever, in my entire life.
When I went to the Dominican Republic on a mission trip, I was hoping for that something to just bring me out of the strange fog I'd been in all schoolyear long. All of my failures and disappointments and anxiety and all the stress I'd piled onto myself, I was just hoping that God would somehow reach me. And what I didn't know was that He was there the whole time, waiting... waiting for ME. I didn't reach back out to Him until I was on that trip. When I started reaching others for HIM. When I told my story of His faithfulness in my life, and in my friends' lives. Until I heard the stories of His faithfulness in so many lives, here in Minnesota, in the United States, and in the Dominican Republic, in Buenos Aires, and Jarabacoa, and Los Calabazos. God was THERE! He IS there! He IS here!
My life is going to be and always will be different now, because I am really living my life sold out to Him!
Right after returning from the Dominican Republic, with only one day home, I went to a music festival with my friend from school. Sonshine Festival, in Wilmar, Minnesota. We camped for three nights there with her family and her mom's friend. I saw so many incredible bands and artists, many for the second time, (bands such as Love Out Loud, Switchfoot, Skillet, Children 18:3, Remedy Drive, The Afters, Tenth Avenue North, Lincoln Brewster, and TobyMac), and I learned so much from each of them, and the speakers that I saw. But not to be cliche, but those weren't what I learned and got the most from. I was there when my friend's younger sister decided to give her life to Christ. I could not believe that God had allowed me to witness such an incredible, beautiful, positively life-altering, amazing decision of someone else. I had wanted to be a part of this for so long! For anyone! And He allowed me to be there. He may have even used me to help her. But the glory goes to God.
I also had the opportunity to see an amazing student-led campus ministry group from Minnesota speaking there--The Catalyst Coalition. They really set me on fire for God, and to share God on my school campus. I feel as though God is currently leading me to start a campus ministry right at my own school, and He seems to be working things out. So if you pray, please do pray that we will find the people that we need for a core team for this ministry at my school.
I am just so amazed. And there is just too much to say. But God is so good! Thank you, Lord!
God bless, all. Love,
Alison
There's too much to say, but the above link says some of it. I just want to say that my life... I'm just seeing it now, is just so incredible. So beautiful. And God really has me now. He has ALL of me now. And when He doesn't, I'll keep coming back. I've never felt this amazing before, ever, in my entire life.
When I went to the Dominican Republic on a mission trip, I was hoping for that something to just bring me out of the strange fog I'd been in all schoolyear long. All of my failures and disappointments and anxiety and all the stress I'd piled onto myself, I was just hoping that God would somehow reach me. And what I didn't know was that He was there the whole time, waiting... waiting for ME. I didn't reach back out to Him until I was on that trip. When I started reaching others for HIM. When I told my story of His faithfulness in my life, and in my friends' lives. Until I heard the stories of His faithfulness in so many lives, here in Minnesota, in the United States, and in the Dominican Republic, in Buenos Aires, and Jarabacoa, and Los Calabazos. God was THERE! He IS there! He IS here!
My life is going to be and always will be different now, because I am really living my life sold out to Him!
Right after returning from the Dominican Republic, with only one day home, I went to a music festival with my friend from school. Sonshine Festival, in Wilmar, Minnesota. We camped for three nights there with her family and her mom's friend. I saw so many incredible bands and artists, many for the second time, (bands such as Love Out Loud, Switchfoot, Skillet, Children 18:3, Remedy Drive, The Afters, Tenth Avenue North, Lincoln Brewster, and TobyMac), and I learned so much from each of them, and the speakers that I saw. But not to be cliche, but those weren't what I learned and got the most from. I was there when my friend's younger sister decided to give her life to Christ. I could not believe that God had allowed me to witness such an incredible, beautiful, positively life-altering, amazing decision of someone else. I had wanted to be a part of this for so long! For anyone! And He allowed me to be there. He may have even used me to help her. But the glory goes to God.
I also had the opportunity to see an amazing student-led campus ministry group from Minnesota speaking there--The Catalyst Coalition. They really set me on fire for God, and to share God on my school campus. I feel as though God is currently leading me to start a campus ministry right at my own school, and He seems to be working things out. So if you pray, please do pray that we will find the people that we need for a core team for this ministry at my school.
I am just so amazed. And there is just too much to say. But God is so good! Thank you, Lord!
God bless, all. Love,
Alison
Sunday, June 19, 2011
My Weekend. (WARNING: Epic moodwhiplash throughout. And zero organization.)
Well, I have just realized that I usually blog right before Carefest, or right after... it's now midnight, the day after Carefest. It was a great time, as it is every year. And I love to spend it with my friend. But the point is to serve others, to let them see the light of Christ. Wow.
I've recently had a conversation with someone close to me telling me that I need to stop beating myself up over things. But if I didn't... I don't know if I would be able to make myself stop doing stupid or obviously wrong things. I guilt myself into a lot of things, and it's absolutely wrong for me to do that in the first place, but if I didn't, I'd just be an honestly jerkish person who didn't give a crap. Some people encourage that. Some people see it as rude. I do rude things without knowing all the time, and what I need is to be more aware of my thoughts and actions... instead of overthinking them later when the deed's been done.
I'm considering taking advantage of my church's counseling services. I'm on the prayer team, but... I don't know about that now. I don't know. And it'd be hypocritical for me not to want to go by saying that I could handle this on my own/ONLY talking to other people who aren't counselors, with the way I push this stuff toward other people all the time. It's no cure-all and it's difficult and uncomfortable, and for the first time in a while, I have to consider that and admit that. But most of the people at the center aren't strangers to me. And if I honestly don't believe there's no shame in asking for help, and have humbled myself enough to say I need it, then... well... I should just do it. Before I talk myself out of it. Because that's happened a lot, with a lot of different things.
So... back to Carefest. We cleaned up a middle school. While cleaning lockers in the girls' locker room, I found a bullet in one of the lockers I let Leah keep it. She joked that it was just someone going to her high school(apparently, it's "ghetto" there. xP), but... I dunno. I was first reminded of a book I read (The Adventures of Fanboy and Goth Girl by Barry Lyga, in which the main character carries a bullet around with him at all times),and then disturbed. I remembered something I'd heard about that middle school, about a student that used to go there, and no longer goes there because they're dead, essentially. It was... briefly sobering. And then I just got back to work and joking around and socializing with Leah and the girl who graduated from my school last year, who happened to be at the same project.
In light of recent events... I found it even more disturbing. I don't know why I keep thinking about this kind of stuff. My friend and I have very drastically different ways with dealing with things. To be honest, I avoid my feelings, or channel them, in different ways, through focusing on fiction or other subjects. But never NOT talking about them. If it's really burning in me, I have to get it out. Whether in journal or blog or aloud, whichever works at the time, I have to get it out. I can never really be alone with my thoughts, unless those thoughts terrify me enough that I don't want people to be concerned. Which has been unfortunately often lately.
So later in Carefest, we arrived at the arena to do some more work (Leah and I were DETERMINED to paint, because we paint EVERY YEAR and we must paint each other! MUST.)So we got to paint a wall! And it was fun! :D Yeah! We did have some conversation too. We've actually taken off most of our roleplaying for a while, so now most of our conversation is just conversation, and it's pretty cool. 8) And we had some people help use finish the wall toward the end. They just happened to be male and of the attractive variety, which, again, is completely, COMPLETELY, missing the point of yesterday. But they were nice, and we talked about music and Sunshine festival, and plays and such.
And just to keep things interesting, I'll now tell you about what I did on Thursday and Friday. Thursday afternoon, miss lovely Ella brought me down to her house and we hung out and talked and stuff, while we waited for miss Leah to arrive. It was cool. We watched some deleted scenes from Repo! The Genetic Opera, and one of Terrance Zdunich's videos, and such, and it was quite enjoyable. Then Leah arrived, we watched some Uncle Yo on YouTube (Otaku/Geek comedian of epic lolz0rz), but they did not seem to appreciate him very much... ^^' Later on we watched Repo! The Genetic Opera. Honestly, I really only liked Mag, occasionally Shilo, and the Graverobber, and... well... I found the costumes to be a bit... distracting. xP And I worry that that might just be the point. Yes, it was sad when Nathan was dying and Shilo said goodbye. Of course I almost teared up at that point. But... costumes. Idea for the movie? Something and "love of beautiful women". *ahem* Decent movie overall, I suppose, in spite of that. Call me a prude or perv or whatever, but it was just too sexual in my opinion, even without an outright sex scene.
After this film, we did some awesome makeup, using songs as inspiration. We all looked pretty rad when we walked to the Dollar Store (which was closed), and then Wal*Mart to buy snacks for our next film-viewing. :)
Anyways, we also watched Vampires Suck, which was funny, mostly because it parodied Twilight, and Becca's actress imitated Kristen Stewart really well. (Haha, new nickname for her... K-Stew. Lol. Stew. Sorry, I'm a little off tonight...) Anyways, some YouTube parodies were better. But overall, pretty funny. Kind of reminded me of those straight-up teen movies.
Best of the night in my opinion (though you can't compare any of these genre-wise): Howl's Moving Castle. I know it wasn't too pleasing for Nathaniel to know that I watched it without him, but it was just... amazing. Truly a great film. The fantasy elements and the realistic paired up so well, and were well-balanced... though you could say there's not much realistic in the film. It just had the overtone of seriousness, with the backdrop of war. But like anime movies tend to go, there is hopefulness at the end. It was just incredible. I need to watch more Hayao Miyazaki...
(and Ella and Leah need to watch some Makoto Shinkai. *cough*)
The next morning, we hung out so more, ate some breakfast, watched Ella demonstrate some pretty awesome dances (Love and Joy and... I don't remember the other one. ^^' I'll have to ask her to Facebook it to me. x3), and then drove off to the AWESOMENESS that is X-Men: First Class. First off, I have to say, historical truth I learned here:
Mutants solved the Cuban Missile Crisis.
That is all. *jk* Actually, it was just a really great movie. The plot was fascinating, especially with Erik/Magento's character developments, as well as the contrast between he and Xavier/Professor x. Interactions between characters (particularly Mystique/X, Mystique/Erik, Erik/X, Mystique/Hank, and Mystique/Erik) were just spot on, in my opinion. Especially the scene where Xavier motivates Erik to move a gigantic satellite... his words... man. Knocked me out. Great movie. And not to mention the eye-candy. Heh. I decided to put that one last to make myself look a lot better than I am for a second. See how terrible I am? xP
We returned to Ella's and watched a show about survivors of stuff on Animal Planet. It was really intense. I have thoughts on that. But I've decided against expressing them. So, I left and went shopping for groceries and things for my mission trip with my youth group to the Dominican Republic in less than two weeks.
I'm going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic. June 30th to July 11th. I'm praying that God really changes my heart there. I'm always feeling like these trips and big events are what's just going to turn me around... but there's always that 48 hour rule (where, if you don't make a change within those hours, you probably won't change), and the fact that change is a process. I've got issues. And maybe they aren't solvable by counseling, or maybe that would help, or maybe I just need a big kick in the butt to get me going. And I haven't been managing to do it myself very well.
So, concluding thoughts for the night... yeah. I've thought too much this weekend. Good night and God bless, all. Thanks for reading.
I've recently had a conversation with someone close to me telling me that I need to stop beating myself up over things. But if I didn't... I don't know if I would be able to make myself stop doing stupid or obviously wrong things. I guilt myself into a lot of things, and it's absolutely wrong for me to do that in the first place, but if I didn't, I'd just be an honestly jerkish person who didn't give a crap. Some people encourage that. Some people see it as rude. I do rude things without knowing all the time, and what I need is to be more aware of my thoughts and actions... instead of overthinking them later when the deed's been done.
I'm considering taking advantage of my church's counseling services. I'm on the prayer team, but... I don't know about that now. I don't know. And it'd be hypocritical for me not to want to go by saying that I could handle this on my own/ONLY talking to other people who aren't counselors, with the way I push this stuff toward other people all the time. It's no cure-all and it's difficult and uncomfortable, and for the first time in a while, I have to consider that and admit that. But most of the people at the center aren't strangers to me. And if I honestly don't believe there's no shame in asking for help, and have humbled myself enough to say I need it, then... well... I should just do it. Before I talk myself out of it. Because that's happened a lot, with a lot of different things.
So... back to Carefest. We cleaned up a middle school. While cleaning lockers in the girls' locker room, I found a bullet in one of the lockers I let Leah keep it. She joked that it was just someone going to her high school(apparently, it's "ghetto" there. xP), but... I dunno. I was first reminded of a book I read (The Adventures of Fanboy and Goth Girl by Barry Lyga, in which the main character carries a bullet around with him at all times),and then disturbed. I remembered something I'd heard about that middle school, about a student that used to go there, and no longer goes there because they're dead, essentially. It was... briefly sobering. And then I just got back to work and joking around and socializing with Leah and the girl who graduated from my school last year, who happened to be at the same project.
In light of recent events... I found it even more disturbing. I don't know why I keep thinking about this kind of stuff. My friend and I have very drastically different ways with dealing with things. To be honest, I avoid my feelings, or channel them, in different ways, through focusing on fiction or other subjects. But never NOT talking about them. If it's really burning in me, I have to get it out. Whether in journal or blog or aloud, whichever works at the time, I have to get it out. I can never really be alone with my thoughts, unless those thoughts terrify me enough that I don't want people to be concerned. Which has been unfortunately often lately.
So later in Carefest, we arrived at the arena to do some more work (Leah and I were DETERMINED to paint, because we paint EVERY YEAR and we must paint each other! MUST.)So we got to paint a wall! And it was fun! :D Yeah! We did have some conversation too. We've actually taken off most of our roleplaying for a while, so now most of our conversation is just conversation, and it's pretty cool. 8) And we had some people help use finish the wall toward the end. They just happened to be male and of the attractive variety, which, again, is completely, COMPLETELY, missing the point of yesterday. But they were nice, and we talked about music and Sunshine festival, and plays and such.
And just to keep things interesting, I'll now tell you about what I did on Thursday and Friday. Thursday afternoon, miss lovely Ella brought me down to her house and we hung out and talked and stuff, while we waited for miss Leah to arrive. It was cool. We watched some deleted scenes from Repo! The Genetic Opera, and one of Terrance Zdunich's videos, and such, and it was quite enjoyable. Then Leah arrived, we watched some Uncle Yo on YouTube (Otaku/Geek comedian of epic lolz0rz), but they did not seem to appreciate him very much... ^^' Later on we watched Repo! The Genetic Opera. Honestly, I really only liked Mag, occasionally Shilo, and the Graverobber, and... well... I found the costumes to be a bit... distracting. xP And I worry that that might just be the point. Yes, it was sad when Nathan was dying and Shilo said goodbye. Of course I almost teared up at that point. But... costumes. Idea for the movie? Something and "love of beautiful women". *ahem* Decent movie overall, I suppose, in spite of that. Call me a prude or perv or whatever, but it was just too sexual in my opinion, even without an outright sex scene.
After this film, we did some awesome makeup, using songs as inspiration. We all looked pretty rad when we walked to the Dollar Store (which was closed), and then Wal*Mart to buy snacks for our next film-viewing. :)
Anyways, we also watched Vampires Suck, which was funny, mostly because it parodied Twilight, and Becca's actress imitated Kristen Stewart really well. (Haha, new nickname for her... K-Stew. Lol. Stew. Sorry, I'm a little off tonight...) Anyways, some YouTube parodies were better. But overall, pretty funny. Kind of reminded me of those straight-up teen movies.
Best of the night in my opinion (though you can't compare any of these genre-wise): Howl's Moving Castle. I know it wasn't too pleasing for Nathaniel to know that I watched it without him, but it was just... amazing. Truly a great film. The fantasy elements and the realistic paired up so well, and were well-balanced... though you could say there's not much realistic in the film. It just had the overtone of seriousness, with the backdrop of war. But like anime movies tend to go, there is hopefulness at the end. It was just incredible. I need to watch more Hayao Miyazaki...
(and Ella and Leah need to watch some Makoto Shinkai. *cough*)
The next morning, we hung out so more, ate some breakfast, watched Ella demonstrate some pretty awesome dances (Love and Joy and... I don't remember the other one. ^^' I'll have to ask her to Facebook it to me. x3), and then drove off to the AWESOMENESS that is X-Men: First Class. First off, I have to say, historical truth I learned here:
Mutants solved the Cuban Missile Crisis.
That is all. *jk* Actually, it was just a really great movie. The plot was fascinating, especially with Erik/Magento's character developments, as well as the contrast between he and Xavier/Professor x. Interactions between characters (particularly Mystique/X, Mystique/Erik, Erik/X, Mystique/Hank, and Mystique/Erik) were just spot on, in my opinion. Especially the scene where Xavier motivates Erik to move a gigantic satellite... his words... man. Knocked me out. Great movie. And not to mention the eye-candy. Heh. I decided to put that one last to make myself look a lot better than I am for a second. See how terrible I am? xP
We returned to Ella's and watched a show about survivors of stuff on Animal Planet. It was really intense. I have thoughts on that. But I've decided against expressing them. So, I left and went shopping for groceries and things for my mission trip with my youth group to the Dominican Republic in less than two weeks.
I'm going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic. June 30th to July 11th. I'm praying that God really changes my heart there. I'm always feeling like these trips and big events are what's just going to turn me around... but there's always that 48 hour rule (where, if you don't make a change within those hours, you probably won't change), and the fact that change is a process. I've got issues. And maybe they aren't solvable by counseling, or maybe that would help, or maybe I just need a big kick in the butt to get me going. And I haven't been managing to do it myself very well.
So, concluding thoughts for the night... yeah. I've thought too much this weekend. Good night and God bless, all. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Nathaniel's post
http://nathanielssuperfunblogtime.blogspot.com/2011/06/something-about-death.html
I'm giving you all a link to Nathaniel's blog as well, because his response to this tragic recent event was a really great one. I hope you read it and make some sense out of it.
Thank you, readers, and God bless once again.
I'm giving you all a link to Nathaniel's blog as well, because his response to this tragic recent event was a really great one. I hope you read it and make some sense out of it.
Thank you, readers, and God bless once again.
Response.
No apologies this time for not posting. And yet I say I'm sorry. First downright freaking honest entry I've ever written.
(my response to this entry and the events within it)
http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html
Life just goes on, as I listen to the whole story of today. There's tragedy, and in the midst of that, humor in other everyday situations, maybe to keep us anchored so we don't get buried in grief. I wouldn't know.
Everywhere, death is just everywhere. Our young men and women die in wars. We die in car accidents. We die from illness, and accidents of other kinds, we die from accidental poisoning... but the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24 in Minnesota (at least), is suicide.
It's been all over this year. Every week, it seemed, someone in the middle school in the next town over killed themselves, or in high school, or they died in a car accident, or any variety of things. But suicide. Thirty-something fathers with 12 and 8 year olds. Sick men in desperate pain. An 8th grade girl. Valedictorians of high schools. These are the people I've heard of dying this way this year.
I cannot imagine what it's like to be left behind in a situation such as this. I'm praying for the families.
I made a new friend today. He's tried to do this to himself so many times... self-injured from elementary school age. Fortunately, he's not trying to do this anymore. He shared so much with me about his life. This friend of mine also helped out so many of his other friends with this. I've had friends who've tried this. Even I've considered it. At least two people related to me have considered it.
I understand why we ask God why. Why, why, why, why, why, why. To all the questions Job asked God, he responded with all of the incredible, beautiful things that He does in creation, with his own questions... I remember the first time I read Job 38-42. It was at a prayer night for youth group, where the leader told us to find a spot in the room, and that it was okay for us to get angry at God, to let out all our emotions to Him--How Davi'ds Psalms were often about sorrow, and those were prayers to God. He was honest.
That first time, I had prayed briefly, emotionally, about those who died. But moreso, I prayed about those who had survived, whose lives were so difficult, and what made them difficult was written on every step they took, everything families had to do for people, the people I knew who were in great pain, and whose lives were just so hard. Because at that time, I'd been wondering if it was worse to live in misery than to die. I didn't have any personal experience. I had just been wondering.
And now I must pray these things, reread these chapters for those who are suffering loss and grief now. God, Lord, God, there's so much loss! Why on earth are you letting this happen?!
In Job 38-42, God questions Job after Job,who has lost virtually everything that he considered valuable in his life (children, sustenance, health, has a somewhat unsupportive seeming wife, and friends who might not understand), questions him. In these questions, he overwhelms Job with his majesty and mystery and power. When the Lord is done with this speech, Job responds like this:
Job 42
Job
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
And this is what happens next:
Epilogue
7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” 9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[m] and a gold ring.
12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.
16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.
In spite of all that God did for Job, all that he said and did, it still, truly, honestly, does not make it easier. What I've gotten from these verses, from chapters 38-42 of Job, is that God is simply beyond us. We will ask why all we want, and we will never comprehend the answer. And yet, God will continue to bless us.
All through tonight, I've read ponderings that God is ineffective, been around those who believe he doesn't exist, or aren't sure, and who go on, and seen girls cry, heard of my closest friend crying, over this recent tragedy. And God... it's written also, that God will wipe away our every tear in the end of times. And that Jesus cares for the broken.
A song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
But it's so hard. It's so hard not to understand, and to accept that. It's so EASY to just say that God is a horrible god, that He should step in, and if he really was as powerful as it was written that He was, then He would step in and stop this .... from happening. But I can't do that. Because I know it's not true. But it would be so easy. I cannot imagine, simply cannot imagine, the pain of this young man's family and friends right now. It seems death is becoming much more common these days, all around. So many people are grieving, in so much pain. I can only pray that God will give me the strength to help these people, even if it's just an ear to lend them, or just to be silent, or just to not talk if that's what is needed.
For all those who pray, please pray for this young man's family and friends. For peace, without guilt, without all these overwhelming questions. Thank you.
God bless.
-Alison
(my response to this entry and the events within it)
http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html
Life just goes on, as I listen to the whole story of today. There's tragedy, and in the midst of that, humor in other everyday situations, maybe to keep us anchored so we don't get buried in grief. I wouldn't know.
Everywhere, death is just everywhere. Our young men and women die in wars. We die in car accidents. We die from illness, and accidents of other kinds, we die from accidental poisoning... but the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24 in Minnesota (at least), is suicide.
It's been all over this year. Every week, it seemed, someone in the middle school in the next town over killed themselves, or in high school, or they died in a car accident, or any variety of things. But suicide. Thirty-something fathers with 12 and 8 year olds. Sick men in desperate pain. An 8th grade girl. Valedictorians of high schools. These are the people I've heard of dying this way this year.
I cannot imagine what it's like to be left behind in a situation such as this. I'm praying for the families.
I made a new friend today. He's tried to do this to himself so many times... self-injured from elementary school age. Fortunately, he's not trying to do this anymore. He shared so much with me about his life. This friend of mine also helped out so many of his other friends with this. I've had friends who've tried this. Even I've considered it. At least two people related to me have considered it.
I understand why we ask God why. Why, why, why, why, why, why. To all the questions Job asked God, he responded with all of the incredible, beautiful things that He does in creation, with his own questions... I remember the first time I read Job 38-42. It was at a prayer night for youth group, where the leader told us to find a spot in the room, and that it was okay for us to get angry at God, to let out all our emotions to Him--How Davi'ds Psalms were often about sorrow, and those were prayers to God. He was honest.
That first time, I had prayed briefly, emotionally, about those who died. But moreso, I prayed about those who had survived, whose lives were so difficult, and what made them difficult was written on every step they took, everything families had to do for people, the people I knew who were in great pain, and whose lives were just so hard. Because at that time, I'd been wondering if it was worse to live in misery than to die. I didn't have any personal experience. I had just been wondering.
And now I must pray these things, reread these chapters for those who are suffering loss and grief now. God, Lord, God, there's so much loss! Why on earth are you letting this happen?!
In Job 38-42, God questions Job after Job,who has lost virtually everything that he considered valuable in his life (children, sustenance, health, has a somewhat unsupportive seeming wife, and friends who might not understand), questions him. In these questions, he overwhelms Job with his majesty and mystery and power. When the Lord is done with this speech, Job responds like this:
Job 42
Job
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
And this is what happens next:
Epilogue
7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” 9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[m] and a gold ring.
12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.
16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.
In spite of all that God did for Job, all that he said and did, it still, truly, honestly, does not make it easier. What I've gotten from these verses, from chapters 38-42 of Job, is that God is simply beyond us. We will ask why all we want, and we will never comprehend the answer. And yet, God will continue to bless us.
All through tonight, I've read ponderings that God is ineffective, been around those who believe he doesn't exist, or aren't sure, and who go on, and seen girls cry, heard of my closest friend crying, over this recent tragedy. And God... it's written also, that God will wipe away our every tear in the end of times. And that Jesus cares for the broken.
A song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
But it's so hard. It's so hard not to understand, and to accept that. It's so EASY to just say that God is a horrible god, that He should step in, and if he really was as powerful as it was written that He was, then He would step in and stop this .... from happening. But I can't do that. Because I know it's not true. But it would be so easy. I cannot imagine, simply cannot imagine, the pain of this young man's family and friends right now. It seems death is becoming much more common these days, all around. So many people are grieving, in so much pain. I can only pray that God will give me the strength to help these people, even if it's just an ear to lend them, or just to be silent, or just to not talk if that's what is needed.
For all those who pray, please pray for this young man's family and friends. For peace, without guilt, without all these overwhelming questions. Thank you.
God bless.
-Alison
Monday, July 5, 2010
Another apologetic title about not posting enough. (NOT NECESSARY FOR READNG Ranty and venty and angsty and blechhhh.)
I'm really sorry I've been neglectful again. I am so grateful that so many of you still read this, and it's really awesome that you do. I'm sorry that I don't have something better to write after all this time. Anyway, thank you guys so much.
Happy (late) American Independence Day! And reaaaaally late Canada Day! And all the other "days" between the first and the fourth...
And here's for the vent:
It's sort of ridiculous for me to feel bad about myself and this dead end I've mentally and emotionally driven me into. I mean, there are absolutely horrible and despicable things going on in the world right now. And I could be praying for people who need help a lot more than I do.
I waste soooo much time. This summer, I may have helped some people during Carefest, during other events related to Carefest, had some nice conversations with friends online, a few offline. But... I've just been overall unproductive. I haven't even been WRITING consistently. I've been spending all this money I keep getting for no reason. I mean, we're in freaking debt, and I know I should be more frugal and actually care more. I've been barely spending any quality time with my family.
And I've realized that I don't allow myself to really feel anymore. I keep myself protected from emotional pain by a shield and lens called fiction. I mentally translate anything horrible in real life, my life, my friends' lives, and other people's lives into some story. Sure, it might feel creative, it might inspire me to do something, but all I write are mopey, cruddy stories about people with suckish lives who get romance and lose it. I'm just a mopey person on the inside. And I can't seperate myself from fiction.
I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine about fiction and fantasy and realistic fiction. That real life is boring, books aren't original, how Anne Rice is good, how the crud I read is just plain unrealistic in spite of its depressingness, etc. I was beginning to agree with her. Then I watched about three minutes (give or take) of Dr. Phil about this teenage girl who was TRYING TO CUT FAT OFF OF HER LEG WITH A RAZOR to PLEASE HER BOYFRIEND.
And I realized nobody really wants to take reality in it's purest, truest form. Not even me. I feel bad for that girl, I really do, but that is just ridiculous. And horribly painful. I want to help people... but, I'm addicted to fictional reality. As a "writer", my characters invade my head all the time. I'm more roleplayer than writer.
The friend I talk to everyday for hours on end, we don't talk a lot. We roleplay. On the phone. All day sometimes. We're trying to cut down, but it's hard. It's addicting, our characters' horrible realities. And we try on issues there like clothes. The drama is enough that we shouldn't even be watching ABC Family's teenmelodramaticsteamysoapoperas anymore.
Which brings me to something else.
I've recently been watching Pretty Little Liars on that channel. And I just finished the first book today.
I don't know why this stuff is so attractive. I've realized it's just... trash. Trashy drama, trashy scandals, trashy "secrets"... I mean, these girls all have suckish lives, and most of it is self-imposed. And of course, there's the terrorizing queen bee who doesn't go away even after she's "dead" (don't read this if you haven't read all the books/looked up spoilers like the fail I am). It's just... horrible, horrible trash.
Why are trainwrecks so attractive? Why do I want to watch and read and listen to this kind of crap all the time? Why on earth do I write it, roleplay it? Seek it out?
I admit, I like this stuff better when there's some realization of wrong and then some redemption. And I try to make my stories more rough around the edges than just plain edgy and melodramatic (even though they always come out melodramatic no matter how hard I try) .
And then, there's this:
The most important part of my life, which shouldn't just be a part: Jesus. God. My faith. I am so, so lukewarm, so out of it right now. I've let this fictional stuff take over my life and I don't want to give it all up. But I feel this bringing me down. And even so, I should use my talent for good, not trash. I try to make my actual stories have some sort of point to them. But... I don't know. Today has just been a day of thought. I needed to catch up on THINKING, because all I ever do is lose myself in fantasies of a romanticized version of the darkness of reality. Doesn't that sound horrible and ridiculous? Not to mention that I'm completely evil to all of my characters...
I think I need help. I want to be who He wants me to be. If all this fiction is part of His plan, if I have any talent at all, then I need to listen to Him better. But if it's just some idol in my life that I need to cut out, then I'll have to do that too.
[/endventrantblecch]
Thanks everyone. I love you all.
Happy (late) American Independence Day! And reaaaaally late Canada Day! And all the other "days" between the first and the fourth...
And here's for the vent:
It's sort of ridiculous for me to feel bad about myself and this dead end I've mentally and emotionally driven me into. I mean, there are absolutely horrible and despicable things going on in the world right now. And I could be praying for people who need help a lot more than I do.
I waste soooo much time. This summer, I may have helped some people during Carefest, during other events related to Carefest, had some nice conversations with friends online, a few offline. But... I've just been overall unproductive. I haven't even been WRITING consistently. I've been spending all this money I keep getting for no reason. I mean, we're in freaking debt, and I know I should be more frugal and actually care more. I've been barely spending any quality time with my family.
And I've realized that I don't allow myself to really feel anymore. I keep myself protected from emotional pain by a shield and lens called fiction. I mentally translate anything horrible in real life, my life, my friends' lives, and other people's lives into some story. Sure, it might feel creative, it might inspire me to do something, but all I write are mopey, cruddy stories about people with suckish lives who get romance and lose it. I'm just a mopey person on the inside. And I can't seperate myself from fiction.
I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine about fiction and fantasy and realistic fiction. That real life is boring, books aren't original, how Anne Rice is good, how the crud I read is just plain unrealistic in spite of its depressingness, etc. I was beginning to agree with her. Then I watched about three minutes (give or take) of Dr. Phil about this teenage girl who was TRYING TO CUT FAT OFF OF HER LEG WITH A RAZOR to PLEASE HER BOYFRIEND.
And I realized nobody really wants to take reality in it's purest, truest form. Not even me. I feel bad for that girl, I really do, but that is just ridiculous. And horribly painful. I want to help people... but, I'm addicted to fictional reality. As a "writer", my characters invade my head all the time. I'm more roleplayer than writer.
The friend I talk to everyday for hours on end, we don't talk a lot. We roleplay. On the phone. All day sometimes. We're trying to cut down, but it's hard. It's addicting, our characters' horrible realities. And we try on issues there like clothes. The drama is enough that we shouldn't even be watching ABC Family's teenmelodramaticsteamysoapoperas anymore.
Which brings me to something else.
I've recently been watching Pretty Little Liars on that channel. And I just finished the first book today.
I don't know why this stuff is so attractive. I've realized it's just... trash. Trashy drama, trashy scandals, trashy "secrets"... I mean, these girls all have suckish lives, and most of it is self-imposed. And of course, there's the terrorizing queen bee who doesn't go away even after she's "dead" (don't read this if you haven't read all the books/looked up spoilers like the fail I am). It's just... horrible, horrible trash.
Why are trainwrecks so attractive? Why do I want to watch and read and listen to this kind of crap all the time? Why on earth do I write it, roleplay it? Seek it out?
I admit, I like this stuff better when there's some realization of wrong and then some redemption. And I try to make my stories more rough around the edges than just plain edgy and melodramatic (even though they always come out melodramatic no matter how hard I try) .
And then, there's this:
The most important part of my life, which shouldn't just be a part: Jesus. God. My faith. I am so, so lukewarm, so out of it right now. I've let this fictional stuff take over my life and I don't want to give it all up. But I feel this bringing me down. And even so, I should use my talent for good, not trash. I try to make my actual stories have some sort of point to them. But... I don't know. Today has just been a day of thought. I needed to catch up on THINKING, because all I ever do is lose myself in fantasies of a romanticized version of the darkness of reality. Doesn't that sound horrible and ridiculous? Not to mention that I'm completely evil to all of my characters...
I think I need help. I want to be who He wants me to be. If all this fiction is part of His plan, if I have any talent at all, then I need to listen to Him better. But if it's just some idol in my life that I need to cut out, then I'll have to do that too.
[/endventrantblecch]
Thanks everyone. I love you all.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
For everyone. (also on my Facebook notes; Sorry for taking so long to post again.)
This poem was inspired by the ones in Haiti and all around the world, and even right next door or in our classrooms and workplaces who are calling out for help right now. God calls us to love Him, and love others. We cannot be self-absorbed and we can't keep turning away. There are real needs all around us, and I know that we have the means to meet a lot of those needs. So please, everyone, do everything you can, pray, donate, go on missions, or just be a friend, to someone you know who's in need right now. We are called to love others. So let's love each other, let's reach out, and see people the way God sees us, and share love and compassion and mercy and grace.
A song by a woman who really knows what this means:
http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/music-34.html
Thanks, Jill. You're such an incredible example and artist for so many people, and I am really inspired by your heart for Christ and for others, and how you use your amazing gifts to help others. Thank you.
We walk this earth
In this priveleged place
And we forget
There are others.
There are those in pain everyday,
Who don't have what we have,
Who can't afford this selfishness,
This bitterness.
There are those who are struggling to survive,
There are those who are in pain,
Those who survive natural disaster,
Those who are barely making it,
From disasters inside and out.
These are the ones screaming out,
For our help,
For us to reach out,
Not to turn away.
Not to look away,
Not to deny
Their needs
Their pain.
We are self-absorbed,
And we keep making it all about us,
We focus on us,
And this is not the way it should be.
The poor, the sick, the victims,
The survivors, the hurting,
Are screaming out for us.
Even in silence, we should hear them.
God hears their cries,
He calls us.
They're calling to us,
We were meant to love Him,
And we were meant to love others.
Don't turn away,
Don't close your eyes,
To the pain,
Though it hurts even to see it,
We must see it.
We must understand,
Before we can truly love those
Who need Him,
Who need us.
We are called to love.
A song by a woman who really knows what this means:
http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/music-34.html
Thanks, Jill. You're such an incredible example and artist for so many people, and I am really inspired by your heart for Christ and for others, and how you use your amazing gifts to help others. Thank you.
We walk this earth
In this priveleged place
And we forget
There are others.
There are those in pain everyday,
Who don't have what we have,
Who can't afford this selfishness,
This bitterness.
There are those who are struggling to survive,
There are those who are in pain,
Those who survive natural disaster,
Those who are barely making it,
From disasters inside and out.
These are the ones screaming out,
For our help,
For us to reach out,
Not to turn away.
Not to look away,
Not to deny
Their needs
Their pain.
We are self-absorbed,
And we keep making it all about us,
We focus on us,
And this is not the way it should be.
The poor, the sick, the victims,
The survivors, the hurting,
Are screaming out for us.
Even in silence, we should hear them.
God hears their cries,
He calls us.
They're calling to us,
We were meant to love Him,
And we were meant to love others.
Don't turn away,
Don't close your eyes,
To the pain,
Though it hurts even to see it,
We must see it.
We must understand,
Before we can truly love those
Who need Him,
Who need us.
We are called to love.
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