Me and My Flaws and Jared and My Brother and God and life and math tests

Let me start with Districts, the Christian conference I went to in Duluth this weekend. It was really, really awesome. I did learn a lot. I've gotta learn how to defend my faith better though. And... just learn how to be more consistent in my actions and what God wants me to do and who He wants me to be. I need to be more patient, less critical, less... erm, sometimes crudely humored. That's just an inconsistency thing. The whole James chapter 3 thing, taming the tongue and all that... important stuff.

Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...

I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.

Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.

Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )

Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.

My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*

I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.

Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.

Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.

I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.

My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.

I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.

Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.

But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.

I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.

And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.

So there's my first thing to improve:

LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)

and

LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO

And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.

There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.

But only in the segment that ran through the town.

Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...

Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:

-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.

My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.

And my dad came home safe and sound that night.

I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.

I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)

*huggles everyone*

Questions to Various Guys I Know/Wish I still Knew

Questions to Various Guys I Know/Wish I still Knew

How come we used to be able to talk to each other?
How come I've become so confused?
About you and the rest of your kind?
Maybe I've read a book about a guy's brain...
But I guess I've gotta figure part of you people out myself
I really want to know someone
How come I screw up so much when I'm with you?
And a few other people?

Dear first real boyfriend,
Were you really just stressed out, when
You told me you wanted to break up?
And what did you mean?
By wanting to keep kissing me?
What did that other girl hold against you?
Do you really not mind the many questions I ask you?
I'm sorry
If some of my intentions
Were not genuine care at times
And for the things that I did
That you didn't know
It killed me
Just to hear you say
"Maybe you could go with that other guy you were talking about now..."
It killed me.
I want to hear your voice again
So find your dang phone.
I miss you
I wanna be friends.
Thank you for your emails.
I still think about you
At least on a 3-day-a-week basis.
Lately, it's been more...

I don't know why.

Dear guy I currently have a crush on,
I like you now
So do a billion other girls
If we went to a different school, maybe it wouldn't be the same.
But it doesn't matter.
Because we go to this one.
I've known you for so long, yet
You've gone after all these other girls.
Tell me, are you really as cocky as you put yourself out to be?
Who are you?
I apologize for some of these questions, if it insults you...
I know you're more than that, at least on the inside.
I wanna be able to talk to you again, just normal.
No emo comments, no dumb insults.
Just talking.
I'm sorry for acting like an idiot with you a lot
And most likely embarassing you in front of your friends.
I know it's not the greatest thing...
If I could, which I probably won't,
I'd tell you I liked you.
It probably wouldn't work out, especially now
But either way, I hope you find someone who you can stick with that makes you happy.
This goes for all the good guys I know.
And you're one of them, if you would only act more like it.
Don't forget about what God wants your life to be like.
Who you're trying to represent
Don't let peer pressure pressure you into being something you're not
Especially someone who isn't right.

Dear former best guy friend and ex,
Don't you hate those words, because I know I do.
I sound to young to have ex-boyfriends, ex-anythings
I miss you.
I miss us, and by that, I mean just friendship
Anything that isn't fighting
Anything that's nice or innocent
Or not so innocent, but still unable to be cruel
No bitterness
No anger
Nothing.
Just... talking.
Laughing
Joking
Passing notebooks in Target class
I have no classes with you so far
But I still miss you
I don't ask you if you hate me anymore
I realize that you probably don't.
It's just me who thinks that.
Do you feel unattracted to unconfident girls?
There are a heck of a lot of them...
Thanks for sort of trying to make me feel better that one time I talked to you about that...
Just remembered.
I miss it.
Miss it all.
Except for the fighting.
And when I ruined one of your relationships.
I hope you aren't doing to her again...
Just make sure
Whatever relationships you get into
Go well
Care, care, care,
Be kind.
Be understanding.
Don't be stupid.
And try to be Godly, if possible, my friend.
I wish I could really just... talk, to you, again.
It's been so long...
Since we could even hold a conversation.
I'm sorry for hurting you so many times...
You have valid reasons for not wanting to talk me then, I guess.
But I still miss you.
Talk to me again sometime, please...
---

done.