Let me start with Districts, the Christian conference I went to in Duluth this weekend. It was really, really awesome. I did learn a lot. I've gotta learn how to defend my faith better though. And... just learn how to be more consistent in my actions and what God wants me to do and who He wants me to be. I need to be more patient, less critical, less... erm, sometimes crudely humored. That's just an inconsistency thing. The whole James chapter 3 thing, taming the tongue and all that... important stuff.
Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...
I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.
Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.
Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )
Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.
My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*
I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.
Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.
Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.
I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.
My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.
I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.
Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.
But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.
I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.
And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.
So there's my first thing to improve:
LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)
and
LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO
And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.
There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.
But only in the segment that ran through the town.
Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...
Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:
-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.
My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.
And my dad came home safe and sound that night.
I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.
I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)
*huggles everyone*
Showing posts with label listening. Show all posts
Showing posts with label listening. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Rambling rant rants about stuffs
New characters-
The Church Group Kids- These are the people who I go to youth group and Sunday School with. The only person I ever got SUPER close to there, was Rose, and I got somewhat close to Mark, I suppose. I know a lot about everyone there, and they're my friends. They are close to me, and I pray for them, and I care for them. They're really awesome, and come from different schools in the nearby city, and they're all pretty close to each other too. The group spans (in the summer, when youth group is out) from kids out of sixth grade, and going into ninth grade. In the schoolyear, the grades for middle school ministries spans from sixth through eighth grade.
Bella and Edward- (I gave them these codenames, because they have names relevant to the Twilight series, though they definitely aren't these names, though they might as well be...) A couple whom has been going out for 14 months, and are going into ninth grade.
Bella- A girl going into ninth grade who goes to the church, and is an amazing person, whom takes her boyfriend everywhere. (and her father follows them as well...) She's close to her father, and her caring boyfriend. She once had an obssessive crush on him, writing hers and his name in a youth retreat devotional booklet in hearts as her 'notes'. She likes writing, and is close to her friends, can have a bit of an attitude, and is really an individual person.
Edward- A boy who plays guitar, has awesome hair, and is (unfortunatelyforthosewhosecretlyfangirlspazzoverhim) boyfriend to Bella. He is extremely dedicated to her. He may be silent at times, but once he opens up, one realizes that he is a great guy, funny, and obviously dedicated to Bella.
Macy (remind me if I've used this name already... ^^")- She plays bass, she's 17, and she was homeschooled up until 10th grade. She goes to a Christian school now, and wishes she could cut her uniform skirt... She's very youthful and innocent in some ways, and in other ways, she is an intense, dark, intriguing artist. She writes amazing stories and lyrics, and draws incredible pictures, and has a wild imagination, due to being raised off of drama/sci-fi's, and Star Wars, and likes most sci-fi things. She is an incredible person that I admire and sympathize toward, during her family life at times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm no longer addicted to soft rock. However, there is no lacking of fluffy love songs, however, I do still love my soft rock. And old Coldplay. And Anna Nalick, and Ingrid Michaelson, and all them peoplez.
Anyway, my newer-ish music interests, or revivals... or just further interests... are stemmed from mix CDs of Christian Rock/Metal that this dude from my church, Ed (who is absolutely hothothothothohtohot), made for us to ride on the rides to and from wherever we went in our big vans during travel, like the eight hour trip from MN to SD. The music was great. And I had a ton of stuff I wanted to look up after I'd heard both (or however many... ) of the CDs there were.
I suddenly fell in love with some of the Skillet songs I'd heard over and over from one of my other friends, Macy, made me listen to. And Flyleaf. And learned about some other awesomesauce Christian rock-ish bands, like FM Static... and hearing all the guys in the back singing 'Love Addict' by Family Force 5 was hilarious and rockin'sauce. Though it annoyed most of the other guys.
So, I like rock-i-er-ish-item-music-thing right now. But still a lot of Alt. Rock. But more things like Flyleaf, and Paramore, music like that. And new modern-y-ish stuff too... but I've almost completely rid my music of hip-hop/rap. And I skip most of my Linkin Park songs right now too. O: Which is kinda sad. But they're negative and all that... I use most of that music for my characters and other people who listen to it all the time. Kris has been obssessing over the YouTube playlist I made for the roleplay we're both in, and she finally finished listening to it today, or at least I think she did. It has 86 songs on it, I believe. But, of course, YT deleted some of the vids, like YT does, so I've gotta go edit at some point... (xP toopid procrastination/laziness disorder.)
*sigh* I'm listening to Tonight by FM Static. It is sad. Especially with the movie it's using in the vid. (A Walk To Remember... I really need to watch that... we have all these movies that we own, yet I don't ever watch them... so I gotta do that with this one... )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg45rOnbnCA
^teh vid
I love that song. It is so sad... I had an idea of what it meant... the guy falls in love with a girl, and she witnesses to him, and they're in love, and she dies, and it's sad... :'(
But I love it... *sniff* :'(
Well, at least that's how the movie seems right now...
Anyvayz, I just thought I'd leave a random blog. God Bless you all! :) <3333
~Aly-chan
The Church Group Kids- These are the people who I go to youth group and Sunday School with. The only person I ever got SUPER close to there, was Rose, and I got somewhat close to Mark, I suppose. I know a lot about everyone there, and they're my friends. They are close to me, and I pray for them, and I care for them. They're really awesome, and come from different schools in the nearby city, and they're all pretty close to each other too. The group spans (in the summer, when youth group is out) from kids out of sixth grade, and going into ninth grade. In the schoolyear, the grades for middle school ministries spans from sixth through eighth grade.
Bella and Edward- (I gave them these codenames, because they have names relevant to the Twilight series, though they definitely aren't these names, though they might as well be...) A couple whom has been going out for 14 months, and are going into ninth grade.
Bella- A girl going into ninth grade who goes to the church, and is an amazing person, whom takes her boyfriend everywhere. (and her father follows them as well...) She's close to her father, and her caring boyfriend. She once had an obssessive crush on him, writing hers and his name in a youth retreat devotional booklet in hearts as her 'notes'. She likes writing, and is close to her friends, can have a bit of an attitude, and is really an individual person.
Edward- A boy who plays guitar, has awesome hair, and is (unfortunatelyforthosewhosecretlyfangirlspazzoverhim) boyfriend to Bella. He is extremely dedicated to her. He may be silent at times, but once he opens up, one realizes that he is a great guy, funny, and obviously dedicated to Bella.
Macy (remind me if I've used this name already... ^^")- She plays bass, she's 17, and she was homeschooled up until 10th grade. She goes to a Christian school now, and wishes she could cut her uniform skirt... She's very youthful and innocent in some ways, and in other ways, she is an intense, dark, intriguing artist. She writes amazing stories and lyrics, and draws incredible pictures, and has a wild imagination, due to being raised off of drama/sci-fi's, and Star Wars, and likes most sci-fi things. She is an incredible person that I admire and sympathize toward, during her family life at times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm no longer addicted to soft rock. However, there is no lacking of fluffy love songs, however, I do still love my soft rock. And old Coldplay. And Anna Nalick, and Ingrid Michaelson, and all them peoplez.
Anyway, my newer-ish music interests, or revivals... or just further interests... are stemmed from mix CDs of Christian Rock/Metal that this dude from my church, Ed (who is absolutely hothothothothohtohot), made for us to ride on the rides to and from wherever we went in our big vans during travel, like the eight hour trip from MN to SD. The music was great. And I had a ton of stuff I wanted to look up after I'd heard both (or however many... ) of the CDs there were.
I suddenly fell in love with some of the Skillet songs I'd heard over and over from one of my other friends, Macy, made me listen to. And Flyleaf. And learned about some other awesomesauce Christian rock-ish bands, like FM Static... and hearing all the guys in the back singing 'Love Addict' by Family Force 5 was hilarious and rockin'sauce. Though it annoyed most of the other guys.
So, I like rock-i-er-ish-item-music-thing right now. But still a lot of Alt. Rock. But more things like Flyleaf, and Paramore, music like that. And new modern-y-ish stuff too... but I've almost completely rid my music of hip-hop/rap. And I skip most of my Linkin Park songs right now too. O: Which is kinda sad. But they're negative and all that... I use most of that music for my characters and other people who listen to it all the time. Kris has been obssessing over the YouTube playlist I made for the roleplay we're both in, and she finally finished listening to it today, or at least I think she did. It has 86 songs on it, I believe. But, of course, YT deleted some of the vids, like YT does, so I've gotta go edit at some point... (xP toopid procrastination/laziness disorder.)
*sigh* I'm listening to Tonight by FM Static. It is sad. Especially with the movie it's using in the vid. (A Walk To Remember... I really need to watch that... we have all these movies that we own, yet I don't ever watch them... so I gotta do that with this one... )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg45rOnbnCA
^teh vid
I love that song. It is so sad... I had an idea of what it meant... the guy falls in love with a girl, and she witnesses to him, and they're in love, and she dies, and it's sad... :'(
But I love it... *sniff* :'(
Well, at least that's how the movie seems right now...
Anyvayz, I just thought I'd leave a random blog. God Bless you all! :) <3333
~Aly-chan
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Not exactly a first story chapter... NOTE: About storyness stuffs.
NOTE: I've decided I'm just going to keep using these pseudonyms for my friends and write in a story format occasionally.
I'll tell you about other coding later on.
---------
Random 'chapter' (story-style blog)
Kim sat alone in the office room, surrounding by all things familiar, listening to a quiet, silently depressing Blue October song, letting the minor-keyed accoustic guitar melodies fill the room, paired with some of the band's typical heavy lyrics, in the dim light from the sky outside, eminating through the open window, occasionally glancing outside to see the typical sights of normality, the giant pine tree sticking straight up, the teenage boys in the neighbor's yard, probably tossing something around. Everything was familiar.
Sometimes Kim believed that she based all she was after familiarity. She nearly cried over her bedroom getting rearranged just a couple months ago... she felt absolutely pathetic about it. She felt tempted to go check out that 'Adjustment Disorder' article on Wikipedia again... She sighed, and wondered. Wondered about... everything in her personal life, selfishly. She wished she wasn't listening to this depressing song... three bands she knew were rarely happy:
Evanescence
Blue October
Linkin Park
Like in their mist of constant angst/depression/morbid/occasional obsession with vampires or demons... there was just a teensy, tiny, burst of happiness. Well... it would take her a while to find one for Linkin Park... What I've Done wasn't particularly 'depressing'... more like... kind of forgiving yourself and letting go of "what i've doooooooooooooooone!"
She sighed, and stopped thinking about that, switching the song to The Fray's "Hundred". She loved this song... she'd loved The Fray even more, ever since one of her best friends, Rose, had given her the CD at her 13th birthday. Everything seemed so great back then... even with the bad shrimp sushi... but food poisoning passes quickly once it is 'released'. Overlooking that fact, it was one of the greatest parties she'd ever had. It was at a hotel, and all of her friends overlooked any differences and came together to be just... awesome together. She had friends come from at least four different schools... it was so much fun.
It was so carefree, and there was so much to say and do, the pool, the girls just hanging out. She loved being surrounded by friends... and this was back before anyone knew if any one of them was leaving.
Her best friend Rose was moving all the way down to Florida... her pale, vampire-loving friend, with the most brilliant of 13 year old minds that any human being could ever come across. She had her faith, she had her... erm, moments of not-so-greatly-moralistic-humor... but she was one of the greatest friends she'd ever had.
She didn't like using past tense. She intended to KEEP her as one of the greatest friends she'd ever had... that would absolutely never change in her heart.
One of the countless things in her life that was changing. Her mind wasn't used to it. She knew she had God on her side... she knew she shouldn't be taking advantage of his mercy just by saying 'I'm human and I make mistakes' everytime she did something wrong. She prayed for mercy everyday. She just wasn't as close to her Lord as she should be...
Fortunately, she wasn't at that point where one might blame God for everything "wrong" in her life. She knew better than that. But there were so many things changing...
Selfish things, like her appearance, her stomach and legs getting larger, her 'development', her face's inconsistent clarity... and her diet getting to be incorrect for her current point and time and lack of excercise. Her selfish, incosistent desire to want to do something... morbid, almost, her near wish, out of her bitterness toward her outer appearance to want to develop eating disorders that made her lose weight rather than gain it. Only at times did she ever wish this. With much self-analysis, she knew she had a problem. She wasn't far enough gone not to realize that. At an approximately inconsistent 99 pounds almost EVERY TIME she checked her weight at about 4'11", she felt rather uncomfortable about her appearance. She was sure she'd gained something by now... she hadn't been to anyone's house with a functioning scale in a while...
The appearance was another temporary thing, just like life on Earth...
Another temporary thing. Well, at least it was supposed to be short and petty... middle school 'relationships'. They were something she'd always wanted... dreamed about and watched in movies, even when she'd forced herself not to have a crush or attraction to guys (without even the AWARENESS of the fact that people could be homosexual, mind you... innocent little evil mind here... ) until she reluctantly accepted the fact that she actually had a real crush in fifth grade.
Her first 'real' boyfriend who broke up with her... it didn't do much to her, it was just... a shock. Sort of. She wasn't expecting it... she was quite blindsided by this... she was just about to let her shell come down and show him who she really was. And then he said he wanted a break... take it as permanent, he'd said. Even though he wasn't sure... she knew he wasn't sure. She still wanted to be friends... she still had her friends stalk Mark everyday at their school as much as possible... but that was about it. He'd been too stressed out about everything that he'd nearly never tell Kim about.
And she missed him too...
Her regrets. Her well-awareness of her mistakes and wrongdoings, at least select ones that she chose to think over and over about that caused her painful guilt that would occasionally make her depressed. Occasionally. It had been a while, however.
Another thing to add to the list.
Treating yet ANOTHER person she was supposed to care about, other than her family (which was an entirely different subject with regretting wrongdoings) like crap. Someone so close to her... her real almost-boyfriend guy-friend, Jared. She'd said she'd loved him a couple times. On the internet. As always. Just like he did to her. He was so sweet...then she'd started acting like the annoying, strange, 11 year old kid she was in fifth grade. The weird stalker girl who was obsessed with the guy she'd never be able to be with... she became really, really aggravating. It caused her to have memories of the time in fifth and fourth grade she'd been made fun of... she hated that. She hated acting that way, and still blamed herself sometimes. She hated when other kids made fun of other ones. Especially when it drove them to do destructive things... it was nearly hypocritical.
He'd told her he didn't like her, and she started arguing. Maybe it was just over for them officially... she remembered the time that they'd chased each other around the library, the times he'd enter and cover her eyes, daring her to guess who it was, even though she'd always know, the little bear that she'd given him, even though it had probably been from one of those toy machines... she still had it.
She remembered awkwardly sitting on the Ferris Wheel together in their town's summer carnival... she remembered their intense online conversations about miserable things, trying to make him feel better, him being there when she was at her worst. Times when she'd been cruel to him. Times when she knew she'd hurt him badly. Times that she wouldn't admit that he'd hurt her.
She remembered the day when he'd walked up to her after admitting that she'd liked him on the swingset, about 7 days before school would get out of the sixth grade... just to get his friends to stop teasing her cruelly. She told herself, honestly, as she'd jumped off her swing and sped to the other side of the playground, at inhumane speed, in the kiddie area, and sat on the little kid car-bounce-horse-spring-thing, she thought to herself "If he comes, then I'll... go out with him, or whatever... But if he doesn't come for me... then I know... he doesn't like me back, and... yeah..." She was almost miserable, contemplating his reaction. But after some false hope from random girls running over to her without true concern expressed... he came. He came, and she wouldn't forget it. He called his friends assholes. And she couldn't say she disagreed at that time. The strangest of words, even the worst of them, even though they felt good... always remembered.
And still so many regrets...
So many changes. But not all of them were bad... even some of the bad ones could turn into good things. God takes ashes and turns them to beauty. She knew that there was a light guiding her through this all... she just had to let it in.
I'll tell you about other coding later on.
---------
Random 'chapter' (story-style blog)
Kim sat alone in the office room, surrounding by all things familiar, listening to a quiet, silently depressing Blue October song, letting the minor-keyed accoustic guitar melodies fill the room, paired with some of the band's typical heavy lyrics, in the dim light from the sky outside, eminating through the open window, occasionally glancing outside to see the typical sights of normality, the giant pine tree sticking straight up, the teenage boys in the neighbor's yard, probably tossing something around. Everything was familiar.
Sometimes Kim believed that she based all she was after familiarity. She nearly cried over her bedroom getting rearranged just a couple months ago... she felt absolutely pathetic about it. She felt tempted to go check out that 'Adjustment Disorder' article on Wikipedia again... She sighed, and wondered. Wondered about... everything in her personal life, selfishly. She wished she wasn't listening to this depressing song... three bands she knew were rarely happy:
Evanescence
Blue October
Linkin Park
Like in their mist of constant angst/depression/morbid/occasional obsession with vampires or demons... there was just a teensy, tiny, burst of happiness. Well... it would take her a while to find one for Linkin Park... What I've Done wasn't particularly 'depressing'... more like... kind of forgiving yourself and letting go of "what i've doooooooooooooooone!"
She sighed, and stopped thinking about that, switching the song to The Fray's "Hundred". She loved this song... she'd loved The Fray even more, ever since one of her best friends, Rose, had given her the CD at her 13th birthday. Everything seemed so great back then... even with the bad shrimp sushi... but food poisoning passes quickly once it is 'released'. Overlooking that fact, it was one of the greatest parties she'd ever had. It was at a hotel, and all of her friends overlooked any differences and came together to be just... awesome together. She had friends come from at least four different schools... it was so much fun.
It was so carefree, and there was so much to say and do, the pool, the girls just hanging out. She loved being surrounded by friends... and this was back before anyone knew if any one of them was leaving.
Her best friend Rose was moving all the way down to Florida... her pale, vampire-loving friend, with the most brilliant of 13 year old minds that any human being could ever come across. She had her faith, she had her... erm, moments of not-so-greatly-moralistic-humor... but she was one of the greatest friends she'd ever had.
She didn't like using past tense. She intended to KEEP her as one of the greatest friends she'd ever had... that would absolutely never change in her heart.
One of the countless things in her life that was changing. Her mind wasn't used to it. She knew she had God on her side... she knew she shouldn't be taking advantage of his mercy just by saying 'I'm human and I make mistakes' everytime she did something wrong. She prayed for mercy everyday. She just wasn't as close to her Lord as she should be...
Fortunately, she wasn't at that point where one might blame God for everything "wrong" in her life. She knew better than that. But there were so many things changing...
Selfish things, like her appearance, her stomach and legs getting larger, her 'development', her face's inconsistent clarity... and her diet getting to be incorrect for her current point and time and lack of excercise. Her selfish, incosistent desire to want to do something... morbid, almost, her near wish, out of her bitterness toward her outer appearance to want to develop eating disorders that made her lose weight rather than gain it. Only at times did she ever wish this. With much self-analysis, she knew she had a problem. She wasn't far enough gone not to realize that. At an approximately inconsistent 99 pounds almost EVERY TIME she checked her weight at about 4'11", she felt rather uncomfortable about her appearance. She was sure she'd gained something by now... she hadn't been to anyone's house with a functioning scale in a while...
The appearance was another temporary thing, just like life on Earth...
Another temporary thing. Well, at least it was supposed to be short and petty... middle school 'relationships'. They were something she'd always wanted... dreamed about and watched in movies, even when she'd forced herself not to have a crush or attraction to guys (without even the AWARENESS of the fact that people could be homosexual, mind you... innocent little evil mind here... ) until she reluctantly accepted the fact that she actually had a real crush in fifth grade.
Her first 'real' boyfriend who broke up with her... it didn't do much to her, it was just... a shock. Sort of. She wasn't expecting it... she was quite blindsided by this... she was just about to let her shell come down and show him who she really was. And then he said he wanted a break... take it as permanent, he'd said. Even though he wasn't sure... she knew he wasn't sure. She still wanted to be friends... she still had her friends stalk Mark everyday at their school as much as possible... but that was about it. He'd been too stressed out about everything that he'd nearly never tell Kim about.
And she missed him too...
Her regrets. Her well-awareness of her mistakes and wrongdoings, at least select ones that she chose to think over and over about that caused her painful guilt that would occasionally make her depressed. Occasionally. It had been a while, however.
Another thing to add to the list.
Treating yet ANOTHER person she was supposed to care about, other than her family (which was an entirely different subject with regretting wrongdoings) like crap. Someone so close to her... her real almost-boyfriend guy-friend, Jared. She'd said she'd loved him a couple times. On the internet. As always. Just like he did to her. He was so sweet...then she'd started acting like the annoying, strange, 11 year old kid she was in fifth grade. The weird stalker girl who was obsessed with the guy she'd never be able to be with... she became really, really aggravating. It caused her to have memories of the time in fifth and fourth grade she'd been made fun of... she hated that. She hated acting that way, and still blamed herself sometimes. She hated when other kids made fun of other ones. Especially when it drove them to do destructive things... it was nearly hypocritical.
He'd told her he didn't like her, and she started arguing. Maybe it was just over for them officially... she remembered the time that they'd chased each other around the library, the times he'd enter and cover her eyes, daring her to guess who it was, even though she'd always know, the little bear that she'd given him, even though it had probably been from one of those toy machines... she still had it.
She remembered awkwardly sitting on the Ferris Wheel together in their town's summer carnival... she remembered their intense online conversations about miserable things, trying to make him feel better, him being there when she was at her worst. Times when she'd been cruel to him. Times when she knew she'd hurt him badly. Times that she wouldn't admit that he'd hurt her.
She remembered the day when he'd walked up to her after admitting that she'd liked him on the swingset, about 7 days before school would get out of the sixth grade... just to get his friends to stop teasing her cruelly. She told herself, honestly, as she'd jumped off her swing and sped to the other side of the playground, at inhumane speed, in the kiddie area, and sat on the little kid car-bounce-horse-spring-thing, she thought to herself "If he comes, then I'll... go out with him, or whatever... But if he doesn't come for me... then I know... he doesn't like me back, and... yeah..." She was almost miserable, contemplating his reaction. But after some false hope from random girls running over to her without true concern expressed... he came. He came, and she wouldn't forget it. He called his friends assholes. And she couldn't say she disagreed at that time. The strangest of words, even the worst of them, even though they felt good... always remembered.
And still so many regrets...
So many changes. But not all of them were bad... even some of the bad ones could turn into good things. God takes ashes and turns them to beauty. She knew that there was a light guiding her through this all... she just had to let it in.
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