1 For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
~2 Corinthians 1-8
^Peg chose to have this verse read at the funeral.
Today, I went to a funeral. And I'm not even really sad, though I am. I need to grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice. And we had to do a little of both at the celebration of this woman's life today. Her name was Peg, or Peggy, and she was the wife of the Children's Pastor at my church.
She touched so many lives. Her husband says that she was a true imitator of Christ. He said that she taught him the most important part of life was relationships. And that she had a relationship with God so loving that the love spilled out to those lives she touched.
She wasn't an incredible singer, or a strong leader. She was a friend. She had so many friends, she touched so many lives, impacted them, changed them, even lead some to Christ. She loved them the way He loved us.
She believed that 100 years from now it wouldn't matter what kind of cars people drove, or what kind of houses they had, but the differences they made in the lives of others.
I may have mentioned her way earlier in my blog, when she shared some of her testimony to us students at the "after-party" of See You at the Pole.
Peggy was diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago. Three years later, the doctors said she had six months left to live.
She lived 8 years after. She had cancer all over, but no one would know that just by looking at her. She was an amazing woman, with an amazing legacy. Her legacy being that she was a friend, someone who exemplified God's love with her entire being. She said that God let her have cancer because He loved her very much. A good friend of hers who had been battling cancer when she was diagnosed said that she hoped that her cancer would make her as blessed as she was. Blessed with it.
When they were told she had had six months left to live, her and her husband decided not to focus on healing, but giving God the glory. She lived very long and fully. She was incredible. She had simple wisdom and kindness that touched lives.
She wouldt tell this story from one of her favorite books of a man who was being chased by a group of tigers. In order to escape, he went to an end of a cliff with a vine upon it. He climbed down on it, too late before realizing that the vine only reached halfway down, with jagged rocks below. But then the man saw these strawberries growing within reach. He picked one and ate it, finding it to be one of the most wonderful strawberries he had ever tasted.
She didn't focus on the tigers of her past or the rocks of her future, but the strawberries, the blessings of her current day.
She arranged most of her funeral herself, picked out songs and speakers. And this passage from a book, Brennan Manning's "Wisdom Tenderness", was something written by another woman dying, given to her friend, who was Brennan. It was about how one should not cry for her, but for themselves, to cheer and make a joyful noise because she was home with the Lord.
And that was incredible. Man, she was an amazing woman. I didn't really know her very well, but just reading the compliation of writings from people whose lives she touched, and thinking of how her sharing even touched my own life the way it did... man, she was amazing. She still IS amazing. She's home now, and she has no pain, no sorrow, and pure joy. She seemed so content, even in her difficulties.
When her husband spoke in front of the loved ones who attended the service, he said the things that he wanted us to know about her, and what SHE wanted us to know. Including what honored the most--people coming to know her Lord and Savior. She really brought people to Christ. And that is what she called for. And that is what God used her for--to show His love, to lead others to Him, in a gentle, subtle, friendly, sharing way. That's what people said about her in the booklet. That she never preached or lectured, she was so simply wise, and that she spoke to others sharing God, and loved so much.
She was an incredible woman.
Her husband brought up the question "why". Why did she have to go, if she had done so much, with all that was left? Because, perhaps, God wanted to bring in more Peggy's. That we need more people like her. We can't be like her without having that intimate relationship that she had with God.
I want to be like that. I want to be like her, I want to love God, and love people. Love God so much that the love just flows over. And I want to be gentle like her. And I want to live a legacy, one that impacts the people the way she did. I am not Peg, nor will I ever be, but I want to give myself to God so that He can be glorified through me, the way she did. I want touch lives through Him.
I don't know about you guys. God did give a choice. He knew from the beginning that Adam and Eve would make the choice to sin. But He loved us enough not to leave us completely seperated from Him; that's why He gave His Son, that's why He died on the cross for our sins. For our screw-ups. And that's why people like Peg can exist, can touch lives the way they do. Love people the way they do. Because they have Jesus' love in them.
I want to live like that. I'm aiming for that. I'm giving myself over to God. As completely as I can. I won't be perfect; I can't be. But I will live for Him and for others. That is what I must do. I'll let everyone make their choice, but I pray that I can live like her--show God's love through my relationships, in them. To all, just like Jesus, and how his disciple Peg did.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Me and My Flaws and Jared and My Brother and God and life and math tests
Let me start with Districts, the Christian conference I went to in Duluth this weekend. It was really, really awesome. I did learn a lot. I've gotta learn how to defend my faith better though. And... just learn how to be more consistent in my actions and what God wants me to do and who He wants me to be. I need to be more patient, less critical, less... erm, sometimes crudely humored. That's just an inconsistency thing. The whole James chapter 3 thing, taming the tongue and all that... important stuff.
Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...
I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.
Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.
Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )
Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.
My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*
I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.
Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.
Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.
I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.
My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.
I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.
Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.
But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.
I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.
And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.
So there's my first thing to improve:
LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)
and
LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO
And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.
There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.
But only in the segment that ran through the town.
Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...
Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:
-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.
My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.
And my dad came home safe and sound that night.
I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.
I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)
*huggles everyone*
Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...
I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.
Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.
Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )
Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.
My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*
I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.
Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.
Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.
I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.
My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.
I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.
Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.
But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.
I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.
And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.
So there's my first thing to improve:
LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)
and
LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO
And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.
There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.
But only in the segment that ran through the town.
Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...
Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:
-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.
My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.
And my dad came home safe and sound that night.
I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.
I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)
*huggles everyone*
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
*presses those electric heart-startthingstoblog* REVIVE! MERRY CHRISTMAS!/HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (And life-musings.)
Promise to self and others:
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST...
Ai'ight, sorry guys for being gone forever... Dx
I love you guys, though! Seriously!
Leanne has been having internet issues for a very long while nowzzz, so it ish sad. D':
But Rose and her family are coming up for Christmas/New Year! ^^
And it shall be amazing!
I'm so glad for the Christmas season be here. It's always such a great, hopeful, joyful time for me. And, like all breaks from school/holidays a good time for reflection, writing, reading, talking, etc.
I do that anyway, but I have more time now.
And now, for some really irrelevant/relevant? musings of stuffs.
Numero uno, Leanne and I talk on the phone 24/7. I've been neglecting a lot of my other friends lately... :'( And the internet. Especially my internet friends. Which is bad. And I shouldn't do that.
But the phone-roleplay (which started out as a parody of our characters out of various roleplays I've joined/mainly "In Their Eyes" on AvatarSpirit.net) we do now really has me thinking.
I've always got dark, messed-up characters, with messed-up lives, and messed-up everything else. Plus, I'm a Christian (and YES, this has to do with something, it has to do with EVERYTHING) and they don't follow my own moral standards. I've been a pretty darkish person since around two years ago or longer, a little confused, a littl culture-shocked because I was either sheltered or 100% obliviously and happily naiive up until around fifth grade.
Probably a little bit of both. But when my parents decided to let me be a little less sheltered, I guess I just kept being blissfully ignorant/oblvious/naiive on my own.
Psh, they still think they shelter me.
But, I ruin that kind of effort. And they appreciate my deeper thoughts on things as a teenager, even when they may not agree, or have the same thoughts. They're my parents. I think they're glad I talk to them. If I talk to my mom, then she's mostly listening because I often talk to her after a couple cups of coffee in the morning after an entire week of school and I'm dancing and jumping off of kitchen chairs while ranting about "political issues" and friends and a whole bunch of other things and writing... etc...
But, back on topic.
So I'm dark. And I can take all the dark stuff. I read so many "problem novels" now, it's not even funny. I'm just too serious sometimes! My sense of humor is pretty harsh sometimes.
But I used to do this kind of writing/reading/talking because:
1. I was utterly depressing/depressed? in sixth grade
2. Due to this, I made my poor depressing already Mary-Sue'd character Kim become my emo self and do the morbid crud I couldn't get my own self to do
3. Later on, I read/wrote this kind of stuff to understand real troubled people without asking troubled people I know, or experiencing it myself (psych-preparation; YA fiction is how I RESEARCH[ED?])
4. Now I just don't know why. Might still be the research. And maybe for the sake of experiencing.
But here's what I know. As I keep on doing this, things just don't manage to phase anymore. Like my friend's "legal murder" comment on abortion, just the matter-of-fact voice of hers in that comment, just how unattached it was, like there was nothing to be done, nothing to be said, just a horrible fact-of-life, without the emotion, that's just how everything's starting to become for me.
What I realize is that there are REAL people who live this way. Who do what Leanne's and my characters do. Who have gone through the things we put them through. The people who live those miserable lives and keeping going through their vicious cycles until they conciously try to stop and move on and change their life, escape their circumstances and start over, do NOT have the luxury of acting it out, of pretending, the luxury of saying on the phone or Personal Messaging saying to "take a break" from it, or to press that fake rewind button when things get too intense for the writer/speaker's sake.
I know it was wrong for me to WISH for misfortune for myself for the sake of empathy, to truly understand a person's pain. But it's better than continuing drama for the sake of continuing it. It's like a real person's miserable life is just a petty thing to play with to a person who has a relatively decent life. Melody Carlson, Jodi Picoult, what is with these women? Why do they write what they write? Why do I write what I write? How do I keep doing that?
I want to be more aware. And I want to understand. But I don't want to have a terrible life, even if it means it would be more inspiring, at least in my own opinion, if I overcame it.
My dad is a perfect example.
Problem is, he's STILL overcoming. He's nearing fifty years old, and things that happened all the way back in his childhood, in his teenage years, STILL are with him, even as he overcomes. He has Christ in his life, and being a follower of the Lord does NOT make your life easier. It makes it easier to bear and shows you the higher meaning of WHY you were put on earth, WHY you go through what you do. It shows you that you were put here to accomplish something beautiful, to show the hope you received in HIM to others. You do not turn on a light and hide it underneath a bowl. You show it to others.
That is why is Christmas is beautiful too.
I always had a recovery story for my character locked up in my head if they ever got that far into a story or a roleplay. They just keep stumbling and falling and crawling, and trying to go through life on their own. Therefore, they keep falling. None of them know how to deal with their life. They're angry, they're hurting, and they just don't understand. This is a terrible stereotype, I suppose for people who actually do that. I don't know. I just don't believe you can ever fully understand your life unless you come to the Lord. But that's not what everyone believes, though. And I understand that, but that's what the Bible says, though, and I wholeheartedly believe all of it. I will admit, I don't agree with everything the Old Testament says, ("eye for an eye, rapist should marry victim, lots of incest... o.eee") but even the New Testament clears up some of the Old Testament, through Jesus's teachings, especially in Matthew. Pretty sick stuff in the Old Testament. I believe all of Creation, though. (The incest thing gets cleared up when more people get born, because... I suppose all that stuff happened because there was like, no one on earth yet. And Adam and Eve--NOT MADE RELATED.)
Off topic once again...
Like Melody Carlson, one of my new favorite authors, who, like myself, has her own overuse of topics, her own set of stereotypes due to her overuse of topics, I believe life was not meant to be perfect. Sure, there was the fall of the world. But God gave us free will. And that meant risking His people to become tempted by His enemies, and then choose to sin against him. But He didn't want robots to worship Him. He wanted the people to do so WILLINGLY. He brings us closer through even tragedy, turns evil into good. Nothing is a coincidence. Nothing that happens wasn't meant to happen. When we're made, God already knows whether or not we're going to choose Him over the world by the time we've reached the end of our lives. God knows EVERYTHING.
And so the road bumps in our lives can just shoot us right up to Him. Or, they can make us go bitter and angry and hurt and stay in our miserable life-cycles.
When I think about it, my dad's life has probably fascinated me for so long that it makes me put these sorts of things into my writing, and my reading. When I say "I don't wanna ask troubled people/people who have gone through the terrible stuff I think about too much", I realize after a few moments, my dad's probably been through it all. He really inspires me. He's still not always consistent, but I know he's clinging to the cross, and I know he's truly trying to change. And he's human. It's beautiful.
I love my mom too, and she's a very wise, kind of traditional sometimes, but open woman. My parents are great.
I just hope my brother doesn't go through the culture shock I went through, though I think he's past that now. I think he's already developing those kinds of "worldly" problems, probably influenced by me, my music, my talking on the phone, his little internet games... turning into a full-fledged dork, but he's so smart, funny, but so boy-ish! I just hope he learns to understand what's truly important. My brother and my mom have always had a really close relationship, and my dad and him can always watch TV, comedy shows, play games and stuff together.
This Christmas, I'm really grateful for saving Grace, for my family, and my friends who put up with me all the time.
Love you all! Have a very Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
Sincerely,
Aly
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST...
Ai'ight, sorry guys for being gone forever... Dx
I love you guys, though! Seriously!
Leanne has been having internet issues for a very long while nowzzz, so it ish sad. D':
But Rose and her family are coming up for Christmas/New Year! ^^
And it shall be amazing!
I'm so glad for the Christmas season be here. It's always such a great, hopeful, joyful time for me. And, like all breaks from school/holidays a good time for reflection, writing, reading, talking, etc.
I do that anyway, but I have more time now.
And now, for some really irrelevant/relevant? musings of stuffs.
Numero uno, Leanne and I talk on the phone 24/7. I've been neglecting a lot of my other friends lately... :'( And the internet. Especially my internet friends. Which is bad. And I shouldn't do that.
But the phone-roleplay (which started out as a parody of our characters out of various roleplays I've joined/mainly "In Their Eyes" on AvatarSpirit.net) we do now really has me thinking.
I've always got dark, messed-up characters, with messed-up lives, and messed-up everything else. Plus, I'm a Christian (and YES, this has to do with something, it has to do with EVERYTHING) and they don't follow my own moral standards. I've been a pretty darkish person since around two years ago or longer, a little confused, a littl culture-shocked because I was either sheltered or 100% obliviously and happily naiive up until around fifth grade.
Probably a little bit of both. But when my parents decided to let me be a little less sheltered, I guess I just kept being blissfully ignorant/oblvious/naiive on my own.
Psh, they still think they shelter me.
But, I ruin that kind of effort. And they appreciate my deeper thoughts on things as a teenager, even when they may not agree, or have the same thoughts. They're my parents. I think they're glad I talk to them. If I talk to my mom, then she's mostly listening because I often talk to her after a couple cups of coffee in the morning after an entire week of school and I'm dancing and jumping off of kitchen chairs while ranting about "political issues" and friends and a whole bunch of other things and writing... etc...
But, back on topic.
So I'm dark. And I can take all the dark stuff. I read so many "problem novels" now, it's not even funny. I'm just too serious sometimes! My sense of humor is pretty harsh sometimes.
But I used to do this kind of writing/reading/talking because:
1. I was utterly depressing/depressed? in sixth grade
2. Due to this, I made my poor depressing already Mary-Sue'd character Kim become my emo self and do the morbid crud I couldn't get my own self to do
3. Later on, I read/wrote this kind of stuff to understand real troubled people without asking troubled people I know, or experiencing it myself (psych-preparation; YA fiction is how I RESEARCH[ED?])
4. Now I just don't know why. Might still be the research. And maybe for the sake of experiencing.
But here's what I know. As I keep on doing this, things just don't manage to phase anymore. Like my friend's "legal murder" comment on abortion, just the matter-of-fact voice of hers in that comment, just how unattached it was, like there was nothing to be done, nothing to be said, just a horrible fact-of-life, without the emotion, that's just how everything's starting to become for me.
What I realize is that there are REAL people who live this way. Who do what Leanne's and my characters do. Who have gone through the things we put them through. The people who live those miserable lives and keeping going through their vicious cycles until they conciously try to stop and move on and change their life, escape their circumstances and start over, do NOT have the luxury of acting it out, of pretending, the luxury of saying on the phone or Personal Messaging saying to "take a break" from it, or to press that fake rewind button when things get too intense for the writer/speaker's sake.
I know it was wrong for me to WISH for misfortune for myself for the sake of empathy, to truly understand a person's pain. But it's better than continuing drama for the sake of continuing it. It's like a real person's miserable life is just a petty thing to play with to a person who has a relatively decent life. Melody Carlson, Jodi Picoult, what is with these women? Why do they write what they write? Why do I write what I write? How do I keep doing that?
I want to be more aware. And I want to understand. But I don't want to have a terrible life, even if it means it would be more inspiring, at least in my own opinion, if I overcame it.
My dad is a perfect example.
Problem is, he's STILL overcoming. He's nearing fifty years old, and things that happened all the way back in his childhood, in his teenage years, STILL are with him, even as he overcomes. He has Christ in his life, and being a follower of the Lord does NOT make your life easier. It makes it easier to bear and shows you the higher meaning of WHY you were put on earth, WHY you go through what you do. It shows you that you were put here to accomplish something beautiful, to show the hope you received in HIM to others. You do not turn on a light and hide it underneath a bowl. You show it to others.
That is why is Christmas is beautiful too.
I always had a recovery story for my character locked up in my head if they ever got that far into a story or a roleplay. They just keep stumbling and falling and crawling, and trying to go through life on their own. Therefore, they keep falling. None of them know how to deal with their life. They're angry, they're hurting, and they just don't understand. This is a terrible stereotype, I suppose for people who actually do that. I don't know. I just don't believe you can ever fully understand your life unless you come to the Lord. But that's not what everyone believes, though. And I understand that, but that's what the Bible says, though, and I wholeheartedly believe all of it. I will admit, I don't agree with everything the Old Testament says, ("eye for an eye, rapist should marry victim, lots of incest... o.eee") but even the New Testament clears up some of the Old Testament, through Jesus's teachings, especially in Matthew. Pretty sick stuff in the Old Testament. I believe all of Creation, though. (The incest thing gets cleared up when more people get born, because... I suppose all that stuff happened because there was like, no one on earth yet. And Adam and Eve--NOT MADE RELATED.)
Off topic once again...
Like Melody Carlson, one of my new favorite authors, who, like myself, has her own overuse of topics, her own set of stereotypes due to her overuse of topics, I believe life was not meant to be perfect. Sure, there was the fall of the world. But God gave us free will. And that meant risking His people to become tempted by His enemies, and then choose to sin against him. But He didn't want robots to worship Him. He wanted the people to do so WILLINGLY. He brings us closer through even tragedy, turns evil into good. Nothing is a coincidence. Nothing that happens wasn't meant to happen. When we're made, God already knows whether or not we're going to choose Him over the world by the time we've reached the end of our lives. God knows EVERYTHING.
And so the road bumps in our lives can just shoot us right up to Him. Or, they can make us go bitter and angry and hurt and stay in our miserable life-cycles.
When I think about it, my dad's life has probably fascinated me for so long that it makes me put these sorts of things into my writing, and my reading. When I say "I don't wanna ask troubled people/people who have gone through the terrible stuff I think about too much", I realize after a few moments, my dad's probably been through it all. He really inspires me. He's still not always consistent, but I know he's clinging to the cross, and I know he's truly trying to change. And he's human. It's beautiful.
I love my mom too, and she's a very wise, kind of traditional sometimes, but open woman. My parents are great.
I just hope my brother doesn't go through the culture shock I went through, though I think he's past that now. I think he's already developing those kinds of "worldly" problems, probably influenced by me, my music, my talking on the phone, his little internet games... turning into a full-fledged dork, but he's so smart, funny, but so boy-ish! I just hope he learns to understand what's truly important. My brother and my mom have always had a really close relationship, and my dad and him can always watch TV, comedy shows, play games and stuff together.
This Christmas, I'm really grateful for saving Grace, for my family, and my friends who put up with me all the time.
Love you all! Have a very Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
Sincerely,
Aly
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The Shrink (a poem-thing)
Life inspires me once more to write a poem/song-like-item. It's kind of a... weird titled thing, lots of metaphorical things, I think... or that's how it turned out in my mind. Be known that I do not write rough drafts (like, evaarrr) in my blog. (Manual, Manual of Life= metaphors for the Bible)
The Shrink
The world is suffering
From society-based schizophrenia
Dark voices telling them lies
And the truth is distorted
The shrink is there
With calls for suicidal thoughts and anger
Sadness, grief, frustrations
Compulsions and obsessions
Unhealthy habits
Anxiety problems, and anorexia, bullimia
She hears their stories everyday
She wants to help, but doesn't know what to say
She prays, and prays, but doesn't stop to listen
Especially when she should
The shrink has problems too
But they don't matter to her
Oh, she shouldn't have made it past internship
There isn't enough training that will ever make her get used to this
No amount of preparation
She's desensitized at times
Reviews her patients' files
Feels angry at times
But she pushes it away
Oh they need her, yes they do
Or do they, really?
They need God, yes they do
She prays
She's afraid to speak sometimes and feels ashamed
The 'bosses' at work suffer from that schizophrenia too
The voices telling them it's wrong
The voice that says it's politically incorrect
Offensive
To tell them about the Lord that leads her way
Stressful day, after stressful day
She sits and prays
She needs to read her Manual a little bit more
She'll fight not to go insane
Not to fall into the voices that threaten her precious mind and heart
She'll fight to do what's right
And avoid what is wrong
Sometimes her patients won't want her words
And professional lines will have to drop
As she steps in and holds them close
Lets their tears fall on her shirt
She fights everyday against those disorders
That threaten her own life
Mental hypochondriac she wished to diagnose herself
But pills don't fight the lies of the dark voices
God is on her side
She fights the lies everyday and every night
She won't listen to those voices
No matter how hard it is
If someone falls, she'll ask for God's guidance
Let him lift them up
If she is called upon, she will do her part
That's her job
And now she knows to do it willingly
The difference between right and wrong
And friend and psychiatrist or psychologist
Are reminding her
And God shines light down through the darkness
She will follow it
Let the Manual of Life show her what should be done
Rather than fall into the voices.
The Shrink
The world is suffering
From society-based schizophrenia
Dark voices telling them lies
And the truth is distorted
The shrink is there
With calls for suicidal thoughts and anger
Sadness, grief, frustrations
Compulsions and obsessions
Unhealthy habits
Anxiety problems, and anorexia, bullimia
She hears their stories everyday
She wants to help, but doesn't know what to say
She prays, and prays, but doesn't stop to listen
Especially when she should
The shrink has problems too
But they don't matter to her
Oh, she shouldn't have made it past internship
There isn't enough training that will ever make her get used to this
No amount of preparation
She's desensitized at times
Reviews her patients' files
Feels angry at times
But she pushes it away
Oh they need her, yes they do
Or do they, really?
They need God, yes they do
She prays
She's afraid to speak sometimes and feels ashamed
The 'bosses' at work suffer from that schizophrenia too
The voices telling them it's wrong
The voice that says it's politically incorrect
Offensive
To tell them about the Lord that leads her way
Stressful day, after stressful day
She sits and prays
She needs to read her Manual a little bit more
She'll fight not to go insane
Not to fall into the voices that threaten her precious mind and heart
She'll fight to do what's right
And avoid what is wrong
Sometimes her patients won't want her words
And professional lines will have to drop
As she steps in and holds them close
Lets their tears fall on her shirt
She fights everyday against those disorders
That threaten her own life
Mental hypochondriac she wished to diagnose herself
But pills don't fight the lies of the dark voices
God is on her side
She fights the lies everyday and every night
She won't listen to those voices
No matter how hard it is
If someone falls, she'll ask for God's guidance
Let him lift them up
If she is called upon, she will do her part
That's her job
And now she knows to do it willingly
The difference between right and wrong
And friend and psychiatrist or psychologist
Are reminding her
And God shines light down through the darkness
She will follow it
Let the Manual of Life show her what should be done
Rather than fall into the voices.
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