I think I'm going to try and write some more stories, so I can get my writing juices all mixed together. I may eventually, also, make a seperate blog just for stories, original/fanfiction, etc.
However, I have discovered another bout of writer's block. o.ee
My english teacher said:
"Good writers write what they know."
o.e
Yey what I know...
*sigh* Last time I wrote something half-decent, that wasn't roleplaying, was on the Mission Trip with Rose... we developed a tradition of writing stories together when we wrote a fanfiction together, Avatar: The Last Airbender/Teen Titans crossover... good tiiimes.
I used to always write fanfiction. Anyway, that story was about a boy named Hisoka, and a girl who also had a Japanese name that I don't remember at the moment... *sigh* It sounded pretty interesting, but we didn't finish, as we had several times before. Pshyah. Whenever I wrote/write with Rose, I write. I'm good. It's like... she's a muse, or something, xD
Weird, but true, at times.
Back then, we stole her iPod a lot. Favorite music back during sixth grade, was Evanescence, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, I do believe. Lots of pop stuff too, but the good Pop, Pop Rock, like Kelly Clarkson. Back then I was waaay tolerant to radio most of the time, though, also. I memorized certain Fergie and Black Eyed Peas songs of the radio... o.e interesting times.
7th grade was kind of more stuff like Linkin Park and Simple Plan and Good Charlotte, MCR, some more soft rock-y stuff, like Coldplay, also. Lots of other stuff too. Less tolerance to rap/hip-hop, and I just kinda stopped listening to it...
Lately, I've been listening to quite a bit of Flyleaf, Relient K again (their new stuff), Coldplay, Casting Crowns. Those are my most frequently-listened-to bands at the moment...
I'm bored/depressedish due to something I've discovered/missing Rose, but better now that she ish on teh phone wiff me...
God Bless, guys. :)
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Rambling rant rants about stuffs
New characters-
The Church Group Kids- These are the people who I go to youth group and Sunday School with. The only person I ever got SUPER close to there, was Rose, and I got somewhat close to Mark, I suppose. I know a lot about everyone there, and they're my friends. They are close to me, and I pray for them, and I care for them. They're really awesome, and come from different schools in the nearby city, and they're all pretty close to each other too. The group spans (in the summer, when youth group is out) from kids out of sixth grade, and going into ninth grade. In the schoolyear, the grades for middle school ministries spans from sixth through eighth grade.
Bella and Edward- (I gave them these codenames, because they have names relevant to the Twilight series, though they definitely aren't these names, though they might as well be...) A couple whom has been going out for 14 months, and are going into ninth grade.
Bella- A girl going into ninth grade who goes to the church, and is an amazing person, whom takes her boyfriend everywhere. (and her father follows them as well...) She's close to her father, and her caring boyfriend. She once had an obssessive crush on him, writing hers and his name in a youth retreat devotional booklet in hearts as her 'notes'. She likes writing, and is close to her friends, can have a bit of an attitude, and is really an individual person.
Edward- A boy who plays guitar, has awesome hair, and is (unfortunatelyforthosewhosecretlyfangirlspazzoverhim) boyfriend to Bella. He is extremely dedicated to her. He may be silent at times, but once he opens up, one realizes that he is a great guy, funny, and obviously dedicated to Bella.
Macy (remind me if I've used this name already... ^^")- She plays bass, she's 17, and she was homeschooled up until 10th grade. She goes to a Christian school now, and wishes she could cut her uniform skirt... She's very youthful and innocent in some ways, and in other ways, she is an intense, dark, intriguing artist. She writes amazing stories and lyrics, and draws incredible pictures, and has a wild imagination, due to being raised off of drama/sci-fi's, and Star Wars, and likes most sci-fi things. She is an incredible person that I admire and sympathize toward, during her family life at times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm no longer addicted to soft rock. However, there is no lacking of fluffy love songs, however, I do still love my soft rock. And old Coldplay. And Anna Nalick, and Ingrid Michaelson, and all them peoplez.
Anyway, my newer-ish music interests, or revivals... or just further interests... are stemmed from mix CDs of Christian Rock/Metal that this dude from my church, Ed (who is absolutely hothothothothohtohot), made for us to ride on the rides to and from wherever we went in our big vans during travel, like the eight hour trip from MN to SD. The music was great. And I had a ton of stuff I wanted to look up after I'd heard both (or however many... ) of the CDs there were.
I suddenly fell in love with some of the Skillet songs I'd heard over and over from one of my other friends, Macy, made me listen to. And Flyleaf. And learned about some other awesomesauce Christian rock-ish bands, like FM Static... and hearing all the guys in the back singing 'Love Addict' by Family Force 5 was hilarious and rockin'sauce. Though it annoyed most of the other guys.
So, I like rock-i-er-ish-item-music-thing right now. But still a lot of Alt. Rock. But more things like Flyleaf, and Paramore, music like that. And new modern-y-ish stuff too... but I've almost completely rid my music of hip-hop/rap. And I skip most of my Linkin Park songs right now too. O: Which is kinda sad. But they're negative and all that... I use most of that music for my characters and other people who listen to it all the time. Kris has been obssessing over the YouTube playlist I made for the roleplay we're both in, and she finally finished listening to it today, or at least I think she did. It has 86 songs on it, I believe. But, of course, YT deleted some of the vids, like YT does, so I've gotta go edit at some point... (xP toopid procrastination/laziness disorder.)
*sigh* I'm listening to Tonight by FM Static. It is sad. Especially with the movie it's using in the vid. (A Walk To Remember... I really need to watch that... we have all these movies that we own, yet I don't ever watch them... so I gotta do that with this one... )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg45rOnbnCA
^teh vid
I love that song. It is so sad... I had an idea of what it meant... the guy falls in love with a girl, and she witnesses to him, and they're in love, and she dies, and it's sad... :'(
But I love it... *sniff* :'(
Well, at least that's how the movie seems right now...
Anyvayz, I just thought I'd leave a random blog. God Bless you all! :) <3333
~Aly-chan
The Church Group Kids- These are the people who I go to youth group and Sunday School with. The only person I ever got SUPER close to there, was Rose, and I got somewhat close to Mark, I suppose. I know a lot about everyone there, and they're my friends. They are close to me, and I pray for them, and I care for them. They're really awesome, and come from different schools in the nearby city, and they're all pretty close to each other too. The group spans (in the summer, when youth group is out) from kids out of sixth grade, and going into ninth grade. In the schoolyear, the grades for middle school ministries spans from sixth through eighth grade.
Bella and Edward- (I gave them these codenames, because they have names relevant to the Twilight series, though they definitely aren't these names, though they might as well be...) A couple whom has been going out for 14 months, and are going into ninth grade.
Bella- A girl going into ninth grade who goes to the church, and is an amazing person, whom takes her boyfriend everywhere. (and her father follows them as well...) She's close to her father, and her caring boyfriend. She once had an obssessive crush on him, writing hers and his name in a youth retreat devotional booklet in hearts as her 'notes'. She likes writing, and is close to her friends, can have a bit of an attitude, and is really an individual person.
Edward- A boy who plays guitar, has awesome hair, and is (unfortunatelyforthosewhosecretlyfangirlspazzoverhim) boyfriend to Bella. He is extremely dedicated to her. He may be silent at times, but once he opens up, one realizes that he is a great guy, funny, and obviously dedicated to Bella.
Macy (remind me if I've used this name already... ^^")- She plays bass, she's 17, and she was homeschooled up until 10th grade. She goes to a Christian school now, and wishes she could cut her uniform skirt... She's very youthful and innocent in some ways, and in other ways, she is an intense, dark, intriguing artist. She writes amazing stories and lyrics, and draws incredible pictures, and has a wild imagination, due to being raised off of drama/sci-fi's, and Star Wars, and likes most sci-fi things. She is an incredible person that I admire and sympathize toward, during her family life at times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm no longer addicted to soft rock. However, there is no lacking of fluffy love songs, however, I do still love my soft rock. And old Coldplay. And Anna Nalick, and Ingrid Michaelson, and all them peoplez.
Anyway, my newer-ish music interests, or revivals... or just further interests... are stemmed from mix CDs of Christian Rock/Metal that this dude from my church, Ed (who is absolutely hothothothothohtohot), made for us to ride on the rides to and from wherever we went in our big vans during travel, like the eight hour trip from MN to SD. The music was great. And I had a ton of stuff I wanted to look up after I'd heard both (or however many... ) of the CDs there were.
I suddenly fell in love with some of the Skillet songs I'd heard over and over from one of my other friends, Macy, made me listen to. And Flyleaf. And learned about some other awesomesauce Christian rock-ish bands, like FM Static... and hearing all the guys in the back singing 'Love Addict' by Family Force 5 was hilarious and rockin'sauce. Though it annoyed most of the other guys.
So, I like rock-i-er-ish-item-music-thing right now. But still a lot of Alt. Rock. But more things like Flyleaf, and Paramore, music like that. And new modern-y-ish stuff too... but I've almost completely rid my music of hip-hop/rap. And I skip most of my Linkin Park songs right now too. O: Which is kinda sad. But they're negative and all that... I use most of that music for my characters and other people who listen to it all the time. Kris has been obssessing over the YouTube playlist I made for the roleplay we're both in, and she finally finished listening to it today, or at least I think she did. It has 86 songs on it, I believe. But, of course, YT deleted some of the vids, like YT does, so I've gotta go edit at some point... (xP toopid procrastination/laziness disorder.)
*sigh* I'm listening to Tonight by FM Static. It is sad. Especially with the movie it's using in the vid. (A Walk To Remember... I really need to watch that... we have all these movies that we own, yet I don't ever watch them... so I gotta do that with this one... )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg45rOnbnCA
^teh vid
I love that song. It is so sad... I had an idea of what it meant... the guy falls in love with a girl, and she witnesses to him, and they're in love, and she dies, and it's sad... :'(
But I love it... *sniff* :'(
Well, at least that's how the movie seems right now...
Anyvayz, I just thought I'd leave a random blog. God Bless you all! :) <3333
~Aly-chan
Saturday, June 28, 2008
(Stand in the Rain~ Superchick is an amazing song) Sam, my friends, prayer, GOD LOVES EVERYONE
New Character
Sam (another one of the Sam-guys)- A guy from online. Kim met him on her Avadorkforumsiteness, while roleplaying, when she first started, in October 2006. He was fun-loving, happy, a Christian, and nice. But then, he took a long break, and came back, with girl problems, and various other issues... often coming to her, in moments where he is in desperate need for support, she is always doing her best to help him out, whenever something's wrong... and when he's online, those rare times.
----------------
I got home, I wanted to dance. At my friend's church, it's always awesome. It was just the message, and that incredible sky, again. When the clouds are breaking, from stormclouds, to sunlight... beautiful. I don't know how anyone can deny God, with that beautiful sky...
And I came home, still wanting to dance and write about joy and contentment in Him.
And I watched the mid-to-end parts of Shrek on TV with my Dad.
And then, I attempted to teach myself Coldplay's "The Scientist" better on the piano.
Then I got on the computer.
*sigh* Chatrooms= bad for your health. And rather depressing.
And then, Sam got on, again... I hadn't spoken to him in ages, as usual, so I messaged him. I had this uneasy feeling, like I knew something had recently gone wrong. And, I was actually correct.
I don't know how that whole 'hope for the best, expect the worst'-thing could ever fit in with optimism, though, I was really doing that right then.
I need to let go of everything, and let God take over. HE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY. If I let him speak through me, if I let HIS message go through me, I know things will work out.
Most helpful music when trying to help someone-
SUPERCHICK
Particularly- Stand In The Rain, Beauty From Pain, Courage, Hero, We Live (last three/two songs are only on occasion)
Mainly Stand in the Rain. Wonderful song...
I think I'm getting somewhere. I really need to go to the bathroom or something, but I was really nervous, like I usually am when talking to him, but, I think it's easing up a bit. I am so glad that I am talking to him right now. I've missed him, and I've been worried, I have to admit... though, I haven't been thinking of him lately, for which I am guilty. I'm going to put him back into my prayers, immediately. He needs prayer. He needs God. So badly... I know a lot of people who need God. A lot, many need Him, much more than Sam. He's a good friend of mine, even online, and I don't like seeing him hurt... I don't like seeing anyone hurt, really, but people who are close to me, people whose words I can read, or hear, or even see them... it's terrible, really.
I am constantly praying for my friends, and my family.
I love them all... and God loves them. He loves every one of those he created. His mercy is endless, if one believes in him, and his promises. Please let God in, everyone, those who don't believe in him. He is the one who made me, made you, and made it possible for us to live with him. He is my source of life, my source of hope, of joy, of comfort and support when I am in dark times.
Sam (another one of the Sam-guys)- A guy from online. Kim met him on her Avadorkforumsiteness, while roleplaying, when she first started, in October 2006. He was fun-loving, happy, a Christian, and nice. But then, he took a long break, and came back, with girl problems, and various other issues... often coming to her, in moments where he is in desperate need for support, she is always doing her best to help him out, whenever something's wrong... and when he's online, those rare times.
----------------
I got home, I wanted to dance. At my friend's church, it's always awesome. It was just the message, and that incredible sky, again. When the clouds are breaking, from stormclouds, to sunlight... beautiful. I don't know how anyone can deny God, with that beautiful sky...
And I came home, still wanting to dance and write about joy and contentment in Him.
And I watched the mid-to-end parts of Shrek on TV with my Dad.
And then, I attempted to teach myself Coldplay's "The Scientist" better on the piano.
Then I got on the computer.
*sigh* Chatrooms= bad for your health. And rather depressing.
And then, Sam got on, again... I hadn't spoken to him in ages, as usual, so I messaged him. I had this uneasy feeling, like I knew something had recently gone wrong. And, I was actually correct.
I don't know how that whole 'hope for the best, expect the worst'-thing could ever fit in with optimism, though, I was really doing that right then.
I need to let go of everything, and let God take over. HE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY. If I let him speak through me, if I let HIS message go through me, I know things will work out.
Most helpful music when trying to help someone-
SUPERCHICK
Particularly- Stand In The Rain, Beauty From Pain, Courage, Hero, We Live (last three/two songs are only on occasion)
Mainly Stand in the Rain. Wonderful song...
I think I'm getting somewhere. I really need to go to the bathroom or something, but I was really nervous, like I usually am when talking to him, but, I think it's easing up a bit. I am so glad that I am talking to him right now. I've missed him, and I've been worried, I have to admit... though, I haven't been thinking of him lately, for which I am guilty. I'm going to put him back into my prayers, immediately. He needs prayer. He needs God. So badly... I know a lot of people who need God. A lot, many need Him, much more than Sam. He's a good friend of mine, even online, and I don't like seeing him hurt... I don't like seeing anyone hurt, really, but people who are close to me, people whose words I can read, or hear, or even see them... it's terrible, really.
I am constantly praying for my friends, and my family.
I love them all... and God loves them. He loves every one of those he created. His mercy is endless, if one believes in him, and his promises. Please let God in, everyone, those who don't believe in him. He is the one who made me, made you, and made it possible for us to live with him. He is my source of life, my source of hope, of joy, of comfort and support when I am in dark times.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Not exactly a first story chapter... NOTE: About storyness stuffs.
NOTE: I've decided I'm just going to keep using these pseudonyms for my friends and write in a story format occasionally.
I'll tell you about other coding later on.
---------
Random 'chapter' (story-style blog)
Kim sat alone in the office room, surrounding by all things familiar, listening to a quiet, silently depressing Blue October song, letting the minor-keyed accoustic guitar melodies fill the room, paired with some of the band's typical heavy lyrics, in the dim light from the sky outside, eminating through the open window, occasionally glancing outside to see the typical sights of normality, the giant pine tree sticking straight up, the teenage boys in the neighbor's yard, probably tossing something around. Everything was familiar.
Sometimes Kim believed that she based all she was after familiarity. She nearly cried over her bedroom getting rearranged just a couple months ago... she felt absolutely pathetic about it. She felt tempted to go check out that 'Adjustment Disorder' article on Wikipedia again... She sighed, and wondered. Wondered about... everything in her personal life, selfishly. She wished she wasn't listening to this depressing song... three bands she knew were rarely happy:
Evanescence
Blue October
Linkin Park
Like in their mist of constant angst/depression/morbid/occasional obsession with vampires or demons... there was just a teensy, tiny, burst of happiness. Well... it would take her a while to find one for Linkin Park... What I've Done wasn't particularly 'depressing'... more like... kind of forgiving yourself and letting go of "what i've doooooooooooooooone!"
She sighed, and stopped thinking about that, switching the song to The Fray's "Hundred". She loved this song... she'd loved The Fray even more, ever since one of her best friends, Rose, had given her the CD at her 13th birthday. Everything seemed so great back then... even with the bad shrimp sushi... but food poisoning passes quickly once it is 'released'. Overlooking that fact, it was one of the greatest parties she'd ever had. It was at a hotel, and all of her friends overlooked any differences and came together to be just... awesome together. She had friends come from at least four different schools... it was so much fun.
It was so carefree, and there was so much to say and do, the pool, the girls just hanging out. She loved being surrounded by friends... and this was back before anyone knew if any one of them was leaving.
Her best friend Rose was moving all the way down to Florida... her pale, vampire-loving friend, with the most brilliant of 13 year old minds that any human being could ever come across. She had her faith, she had her... erm, moments of not-so-greatly-moralistic-humor... but she was one of the greatest friends she'd ever had.
She didn't like using past tense. She intended to KEEP her as one of the greatest friends she'd ever had... that would absolutely never change in her heart.
One of the countless things in her life that was changing. Her mind wasn't used to it. She knew she had God on her side... she knew she shouldn't be taking advantage of his mercy just by saying 'I'm human and I make mistakes' everytime she did something wrong. She prayed for mercy everyday. She just wasn't as close to her Lord as she should be...
Fortunately, she wasn't at that point where one might blame God for everything "wrong" in her life. She knew better than that. But there were so many things changing...
Selfish things, like her appearance, her stomach and legs getting larger, her 'development', her face's inconsistent clarity... and her diet getting to be incorrect for her current point and time and lack of excercise. Her selfish, incosistent desire to want to do something... morbid, almost, her near wish, out of her bitterness toward her outer appearance to want to develop eating disorders that made her lose weight rather than gain it. Only at times did she ever wish this. With much self-analysis, she knew she had a problem. She wasn't far enough gone not to realize that. At an approximately inconsistent 99 pounds almost EVERY TIME she checked her weight at about 4'11", she felt rather uncomfortable about her appearance. She was sure she'd gained something by now... she hadn't been to anyone's house with a functioning scale in a while...
The appearance was another temporary thing, just like life on Earth...
Another temporary thing. Well, at least it was supposed to be short and petty... middle school 'relationships'. They were something she'd always wanted... dreamed about and watched in movies, even when she'd forced herself not to have a crush or attraction to guys (without even the AWARENESS of the fact that people could be homosexual, mind you... innocent little evil mind here... ) until she reluctantly accepted the fact that she actually had a real crush in fifth grade.
Her first 'real' boyfriend who broke up with her... it didn't do much to her, it was just... a shock. Sort of. She wasn't expecting it... she was quite blindsided by this... she was just about to let her shell come down and show him who she really was. And then he said he wanted a break... take it as permanent, he'd said. Even though he wasn't sure... she knew he wasn't sure. She still wanted to be friends... she still had her friends stalk Mark everyday at their school as much as possible... but that was about it. He'd been too stressed out about everything that he'd nearly never tell Kim about.
And she missed him too...
Her regrets. Her well-awareness of her mistakes and wrongdoings, at least select ones that she chose to think over and over about that caused her painful guilt that would occasionally make her depressed. Occasionally. It had been a while, however.
Another thing to add to the list.
Treating yet ANOTHER person she was supposed to care about, other than her family (which was an entirely different subject with regretting wrongdoings) like crap. Someone so close to her... her real almost-boyfriend guy-friend, Jared. She'd said she'd loved him a couple times. On the internet. As always. Just like he did to her. He was so sweet...then she'd started acting like the annoying, strange, 11 year old kid she was in fifth grade. The weird stalker girl who was obsessed with the guy she'd never be able to be with... she became really, really aggravating. It caused her to have memories of the time in fifth and fourth grade she'd been made fun of... she hated that. She hated acting that way, and still blamed herself sometimes. She hated when other kids made fun of other ones. Especially when it drove them to do destructive things... it was nearly hypocritical.
He'd told her he didn't like her, and she started arguing. Maybe it was just over for them officially... she remembered the time that they'd chased each other around the library, the times he'd enter and cover her eyes, daring her to guess who it was, even though she'd always know, the little bear that she'd given him, even though it had probably been from one of those toy machines... she still had it.
She remembered awkwardly sitting on the Ferris Wheel together in their town's summer carnival... she remembered their intense online conversations about miserable things, trying to make him feel better, him being there when she was at her worst. Times when she'd been cruel to him. Times when she knew she'd hurt him badly. Times that she wouldn't admit that he'd hurt her.
She remembered the day when he'd walked up to her after admitting that she'd liked him on the swingset, about 7 days before school would get out of the sixth grade... just to get his friends to stop teasing her cruelly. She told herself, honestly, as she'd jumped off her swing and sped to the other side of the playground, at inhumane speed, in the kiddie area, and sat on the little kid car-bounce-horse-spring-thing, she thought to herself "If he comes, then I'll... go out with him, or whatever... But if he doesn't come for me... then I know... he doesn't like me back, and... yeah..." She was almost miserable, contemplating his reaction. But after some false hope from random girls running over to her without true concern expressed... he came. He came, and she wouldn't forget it. He called his friends assholes. And she couldn't say she disagreed at that time. The strangest of words, even the worst of them, even though they felt good... always remembered.
And still so many regrets...
So many changes. But not all of them were bad... even some of the bad ones could turn into good things. God takes ashes and turns them to beauty. She knew that there was a light guiding her through this all... she just had to let it in.
I'll tell you about other coding later on.
---------
Random 'chapter' (story-style blog)
Kim sat alone in the office room, surrounding by all things familiar, listening to a quiet, silently depressing Blue October song, letting the minor-keyed accoustic guitar melodies fill the room, paired with some of the band's typical heavy lyrics, in the dim light from the sky outside, eminating through the open window, occasionally glancing outside to see the typical sights of normality, the giant pine tree sticking straight up, the teenage boys in the neighbor's yard, probably tossing something around. Everything was familiar.
Sometimes Kim believed that she based all she was after familiarity. She nearly cried over her bedroom getting rearranged just a couple months ago... she felt absolutely pathetic about it. She felt tempted to go check out that 'Adjustment Disorder' article on Wikipedia again... She sighed, and wondered. Wondered about... everything in her personal life, selfishly. She wished she wasn't listening to this depressing song... three bands she knew were rarely happy:
Evanescence
Blue October
Linkin Park
Like in their mist of constant angst/depression/morbid/occasional obsession with vampires or demons... there was just a teensy, tiny, burst of happiness. Well... it would take her a while to find one for Linkin Park... What I've Done wasn't particularly 'depressing'... more like... kind of forgiving yourself and letting go of "what i've doooooooooooooooone!"
She sighed, and stopped thinking about that, switching the song to The Fray's "Hundred". She loved this song... she'd loved The Fray even more, ever since one of her best friends, Rose, had given her the CD at her 13th birthday. Everything seemed so great back then... even with the bad shrimp sushi... but food poisoning passes quickly once it is 'released'. Overlooking that fact, it was one of the greatest parties she'd ever had. It was at a hotel, and all of her friends overlooked any differences and came together to be just... awesome together. She had friends come from at least four different schools... it was so much fun.
It was so carefree, and there was so much to say and do, the pool, the girls just hanging out. She loved being surrounded by friends... and this was back before anyone knew if any one of them was leaving.
Her best friend Rose was moving all the way down to Florida... her pale, vampire-loving friend, with the most brilliant of 13 year old minds that any human being could ever come across. She had her faith, she had her... erm, moments of not-so-greatly-moralistic-humor... but she was one of the greatest friends she'd ever had.
She didn't like using past tense. She intended to KEEP her as one of the greatest friends she'd ever had... that would absolutely never change in her heart.
One of the countless things in her life that was changing. Her mind wasn't used to it. She knew she had God on her side... she knew she shouldn't be taking advantage of his mercy just by saying 'I'm human and I make mistakes' everytime she did something wrong. She prayed for mercy everyday. She just wasn't as close to her Lord as she should be...
Fortunately, she wasn't at that point where one might blame God for everything "wrong" in her life. She knew better than that. But there were so many things changing...
Selfish things, like her appearance, her stomach and legs getting larger, her 'development', her face's inconsistent clarity... and her diet getting to be incorrect for her current point and time and lack of excercise. Her selfish, incosistent desire to want to do something... morbid, almost, her near wish, out of her bitterness toward her outer appearance to want to develop eating disorders that made her lose weight rather than gain it. Only at times did she ever wish this. With much self-analysis, she knew she had a problem. She wasn't far enough gone not to realize that. At an approximately inconsistent 99 pounds almost EVERY TIME she checked her weight at about 4'11", she felt rather uncomfortable about her appearance. She was sure she'd gained something by now... she hadn't been to anyone's house with a functioning scale in a while...
The appearance was another temporary thing, just like life on Earth...
Another temporary thing. Well, at least it was supposed to be short and petty... middle school 'relationships'. They were something she'd always wanted... dreamed about and watched in movies, even when she'd forced herself not to have a crush or attraction to guys (without even the AWARENESS of the fact that people could be homosexual, mind you... innocent little evil mind here... ) until she reluctantly accepted the fact that she actually had a real crush in fifth grade.
Her first 'real' boyfriend who broke up with her... it didn't do much to her, it was just... a shock. Sort of. She wasn't expecting it... she was quite blindsided by this... she was just about to let her shell come down and show him who she really was. And then he said he wanted a break... take it as permanent, he'd said. Even though he wasn't sure... she knew he wasn't sure. She still wanted to be friends... she still had her friends stalk Mark everyday at their school as much as possible... but that was about it. He'd been too stressed out about everything that he'd nearly never tell Kim about.
And she missed him too...
Her regrets. Her well-awareness of her mistakes and wrongdoings, at least select ones that she chose to think over and over about that caused her painful guilt that would occasionally make her depressed. Occasionally. It had been a while, however.
Another thing to add to the list.
Treating yet ANOTHER person she was supposed to care about, other than her family (which was an entirely different subject with regretting wrongdoings) like crap. Someone so close to her... her real almost-boyfriend guy-friend, Jared. She'd said she'd loved him a couple times. On the internet. As always. Just like he did to her. He was so sweet...then she'd started acting like the annoying, strange, 11 year old kid she was in fifth grade. The weird stalker girl who was obsessed with the guy she'd never be able to be with... she became really, really aggravating. It caused her to have memories of the time in fifth and fourth grade she'd been made fun of... she hated that. She hated acting that way, and still blamed herself sometimes. She hated when other kids made fun of other ones. Especially when it drove them to do destructive things... it was nearly hypocritical.
He'd told her he didn't like her, and she started arguing. Maybe it was just over for them officially... she remembered the time that they'd chased each other around the library, the times he'd enter and cover her eyes, daring her to guess who it was, even though she'd always know, the little bear that she'd given him, even though it had probably been from one of those toy machines... she still had it.
She remembered awkwardly sitting on the Ferris Wheel together in their town's summer carnival... she remembered their intense online conversations about miserable things, trying to make him feel better, him being there when she was at her worst. Times when she'd been cruel to him. Times when she knew she'd hurt him badly. Times that she wouldn't admit that he'd hurt her.
She remembered the day when he'd walked up to her after admitting that she'd liked him on the swingset, about 7 days before school would get out of the sixth grade... just to get his friends to stop teasing her cruelly. She told herself, honestly, as she'd jumped off her swing and sped to the other side of the playground, at inhumane speed, in the kiddie area, and sat on the little kid car-bounce-horse-spring-thing, she thought to herself "If he comes, then I'll... go out with him, or whatever... But if he doesn't come for me... then I know... he doesn't like me back, and... yeah..." She was almost miserable, contemplating his reaction. But after some false hope from random girls running over to her without true concern expressed... he came. He came, and she wouldn't forget it. He called his friends assholes. And she couldn't say she disagreed at that time. The strangest of words, even the worst of them, even though they felt good... always remembered.
And still so many regrets...
So many changes. But not all of them were bad... even some of the bad ones could turn into good things. God takes ashes and turns them to beauty. She knew that there was a light guiding her through this all... she just had to let it in.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
