I am so, so, so, so, SO, incredibly sorry that I haven't been updating lately. And I'll do special posts on my first week of school and summer at... some point. :-/ I'm really sorry. I'll try to generalize some stuff here. Thanks for watching my blog, though, you guys are so great. And if you haven't been... ^^' Well, I totally and completely understand.
Things have been fairly easy for me the past three days, and tommorrow, I leave school in the middle of the day to go on a trip to Wisconsin Dells with my family, and that'll be fun.
But I know a few people I'm sure don't have it that easy.
I'm wondering if my end-of-summer fears are becoming true. Except, there are no problems with school for me yet. I just... when I come home, I continue researching whatever I feel like that day, I keep on questioning, and sometimes I have negative thoughts about myself and my body, yet starting phy ed today has me quite reassured. But I need more than that in exercise.
And I'm so, so focused on myself. I need to get rid of that. And look at me complaining about me when I could be talking about more interesting and less self-depreceating (sp?) like summer and the first days of school... and maybe even my friends. I mean... *sigh*
I wish I could really help some, I mean, there are things that they're going through, that might not be as intense as I've heard from them or my other ones before, but I know a couple of them are pretty stressed out.
I'm so selfish when it comes to stuff. When I should be quiet and supportive, I'm talkative and overly peppy. When I know there are more important things in someone's life, all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. And possibly, they never will. I'm so, so selfish. Some of you may know, but I save so many tears for guilt. Maybe when they should be for someone else's pain. Rather than what may or may not be my own justified guilt.
But I'm scared. Of losing what I already have, I'm always scared of losing people, but usually, I'm scared of people dying. Some times during this summer, that fear consumed my thoughts. I had two dreams, one where someone very close to me, someone in my family, was dying, and another, where my principal died, and I was returning to school, the summer afterwards, and just hearing the news.
I could write an entire blog post about that, but this is different. Now, I'm fearing the loss of living people. I hated reading Melody Carlson's "Dark Blue" because it was just hard to read. The girl might have been misinterpreting a lot from her friend, and overreacting a little, but the concept, drifting apart from your best friend, it was painful. "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson was painful, utterly painful, because it dealt with the negative pressures the girls put on each other, and their ultimate seperation.
I can't live paralyzed by fear, and I have give everything up to God, but I just hate considering... certain possibilities. I'm just so, too, dependent on people sometimes... on relationships sometimes... okay, all the time. I'll be downright honest, I am so utterly dependent on relationships. And on routines I have. And I can be pretty dang pathetic and insensitive a lot when it comes to some things and I just can't stand it most times. I acknowledge my behavior, but sometimes I wonder if I can change. I know I can, in God's strength. But I need help. I need His help. Through God I can do all things. And in His strength I can do anything. But I have to trust Him. I have to. My faith is key in everything I do, GOD is key in everything I do... God is always here.
Believers, if you could pray for my friends, I'm not going to go into detail about them, because I have several friends who need help with several things, if possible. And thank you all my readers for your support and readership. God bless you all. Love you all. Thanks so much again.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Because of my neglectfulness and laziness...
http://www.snapvine.com/sb/d426684c8b4911dea02d0030485b0f88?user=475e261af5f511dc81880030485b0f88
Snapvine for my blog post. Some of it got scratchy, so I apologize, but yeah. :( Thanks guys for following this even though I'm the WORST blog updater on the face of the planet... o.O
ILY all! God bless! :) I hope you guys have a great rest-of-the-summer!
Snapvine for my blog post. Some of it got scratchy, so I apologize, but yeah. :( Thanks guys for following this even though I'm the WORST blog updater on the face of the planet... o.O
ILY all! God bless! :) I hope you guys have a great rest-of-the-summer!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Music-y-stolen thingy. (I GOT TOO MANY SERIOUS AND NON-AWKWARD ONES. xP)
(This was originally on Levi's blog, then on Dibsy's blog, but I must give credit to Levi for his coolness in posting this. 8) YOU ARE AWESOME!)
((I may have songs that are a little too poppish on my Windows Media Player for your guys' taste, so I apologize. D: Also, because you probably won't know of her, when she shows up in this: http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/ Jill Pearson, who attends my church, who sings and writes amazingly, and is overall awesome. :) You can listen to some of her songs and look at the lyrics of all of them there.))
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down
If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
"Photograph" by Nickelback (...Okay then. Lol. That's a bit of a rant for "Is this okay?"...)
How would you describe yourself?
"This is What It Means to Love" by Jill Pearson (A bit of an ego there, title-wise, I must have... *jk*)
What do you like in a guy/girl?
"Far Away"-Nickelback (I don't like to be far away from people... :( But that's okay. It's a good, romantic, song, so I guess it works. :) ILY Nattie. <3)
How do you feel today?
"My, Oh My, What a Miracle"- Jill Pearson (I wish. :( )
What's your life purpose?
"Fall to Pieces"- Avril Lavigne (Lovely... xP )
What do your friends think of you?
Say (All I Need)- OneRepublic (I guess it... could... sort of maybe fit? o.o)
What do your parents think of you?
Innocence- Avril Lavigne (Great... heheheh... they are clueless. *jk*)
What do you often think about?
Nothing in this World- Hoku (Lovely. A post break-up song. *sigh* I don't think so...)
What do you think about the person you like?
Who Knew~ P!nk ( :( Sadness. )
What is your life's story?
Living Water~ Jill Pearson (I think that's a good thing... ^^)
What do you want to be when you grow up?
High School~ Superchick (I hope I'm more grown up than that... though I might not be, sadly. :-/ )
What will you dance to at your wedding?
All at Once- The Fray (I suppose that's okay. I hope my future husband and I are sure about each other... )
What will they play at your funeral?
Turn My Heart~ Jill Pearson (Saddish. :( Hopefully my heart will be focused where it should be then. No... it will be. Thank you, Lord.)
What is your biggest fear?
Contagious~ Avril Lavigne (.-. Well, obsessive relationships are usually a problem... but this could be genuine in the song... yeah, it probably is... maybe... gah. I don't really fear that though...)
What is your biggest secret?
Princes and Frogs- Superchick (O.O I am not a boy, if that's what it's saying...)
What is your future going to be like?
Chocolate~ Jill Pearson (XDDDD)
What do you see in the person you like?
We Will Follow the Sun~ Hoku (Sure, why not. xD :) ILY, Nattie, again. <3 )
What will the song be for you and your spouse?
Runaway- Avril Lavigne (I hope not...)
---This is where the original one I found stops, but I'ma keep going with another one I just found. I'm having too much fun doing this. I have to do this more.---Levi
Will you get far in life?
Four in the Morning~ Gwen Stefani (...Um, what exactly does that mean? o.o)
Will you get married?
The Best D*mn Thing~ Avril Lavigne (What does that mean? I hope it's a yes... I wanna get married. D: :( )
What is your best friend's theme song?
Savin' Me~ Nickelback (Leah... is there something you're not telling me about? )
What was high school like?
Pure~ Superchick (I hope so...)
How can you get ahead in life?
Franklin~ Paramore (FINALLY! A Paramore song! :D Anyway... Sounds kind of melancholy. So I should stay in my town? o.O)
What is the best thing about your friends?
At the Corners~ Jill Pearson (Awww... you guys are awesome. :) )
What is in store for this weekend?
Songs with Wings~ Jill Pearson (Sounds good to me.)
To describe your grandparents?
So Bright (Stand Up)-Superchick (I don't know my grandparents very well... but I suppose that's goodish... sounds like something a grandparent might tell their grandchild maybe if they were doing stuff that isn't so great...)
How is your life going?
This is my Friend- Jill Pearson (AWESOME! Amen to that.)
How does the world see you?
We Live~ Superchick (Happy.)
Will you have a happy life?
God of Hope~ Jill Pearson (Amen to that.)
Do people secretly lust after you?
My Heart~ Paramore (People secretly want to give their heart to me? o.o)
How can I make myself happy?
Hundred~ The Fray (But that's a MELANCHOLY song... :( )
What should you do with your life?
Restore~ Jill Pearson (I suppose that's goodish.)
Will you ever have children?
Beautiful Offering~ Jill Pearson (o.o I think that's a yes... yay!)
If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do?
It's On~ Superchick (XD)
What does your mum think of you?
Anything but Ordinary~ Avril Lavigne (I suppose that's a good thing... I am anything but ordinary. *jk* XD :) Thank you... mom?)
What is your deep dark secret?
Vienna~ The Fray (What's that supposed to mean?! o.o)
What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
What I've Done~ Linkin Park (Well, at least whoever my mortal enemy is won't be my mortal enemy forever...)
What's your personality like?
Lying for You~ Linkin Park (Oh joy. o.ee. Two Linkin Park songs in a row... o.o)
What's your motto?
Can God Live in a Broken Heart- Jill Pearson (Okay. God can live in a broken heart...)
What do you think about often?
She Is~ The Fray (Ummm... maybe? o.ee Probably not. I don't think of girls that way... maybe my friends...)
What do you want right now?
You First Believed~ Hoku (Sure.)
((Wow, I'm done. D: No super-awkward ones. Which is sadness. *sigh* But still goodish, I suppose. I wish YouTube had a shuffle button on playlists... that would work waaaaaay better. XD :)
((I may have songs that are a little too poppish on my Windows Media Player for your guys' taste, so I apologize. D: Also, because you probably won't know of her, when she shows up in this: http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/ Jill Pearson, who attends my church, who sings and writes amazingly, and is overall awesome. :) You can listen to some of her songs and look at the lyrics of all of them there.))
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down
If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
"Photograph" by Nickelback (...Okay then. Lol. That's a bit of a rant for "Is this okay?"...)
How would you describe yourself?
"This is What It Means to Love" by Jill Pearson (A bit of an ego there, title-wise, I must have... *jk*)
What do you like in a guy/girl?
"Far Away"-Nickelback (I don't like to be far away from people... :( But that's okay. It's a good, romantic, song, so I guess it works. :) ILY Nattie. <3)
How do you feel today?
"My, Oh My, What a Miracle"- Jill Pearson (I wish. :( )
What's your life purpose?
"Fall to Pieces"- Avril Lavigne (Lovely... xP )
What do your friends think of you?
Say (All I Need)- OneRepublic (I guess it... could... sort of maybe fit? o.o)
What do your parents think of you?
Innocence- Avril Lavigne (Great... heheheh... they are clueless. *jk*)
What do you often think about?
Nothing in this World- Hoku (Lovely. A post break-up song. *sigh* I don't think so...)
What do you think about the person you like?
Who Knew~ P!nk ( :( Sadness. )
What is your life's story?
Living Water~ Jill Pearson (I think that's a good thing... ^^)
What do you want to be when you grow up?
High School~ Superchick (I hope I'm more grown up than that... though I might not be, sadly. :-/ )
What will you dance to at your wedding?
All at Once- The Fray (I suppose that's okay. I hope my future husband and I are sure about each other... )
What will they play at your funeral?
Turn My Heart~ Jill Pearson (Saddish. :( Hopefully my heart will be focused where it should be then. No... it will be. Thank you, Lord.)
What is your biggest fear?
Contagious~ Avril Lavigne (.-. Well, obsessive relationships are usually a problem... but this could be genuine in the song... yeah, it probably is... maybe... gah. I don't really fear that though...)
What is your biggest secret?
Princes and Frogs- Superchick (O.O I am not a boy, if that's what it's saying...)
What is your future going to be like?
Chocolate~ Jill Pearson (XDDDD)
What do you see in the person you like?
We Will Follow the Sun~ Hoku (Sure, why not. xD :) ILY, Nattie, again. <3 )
What will the song be for you and your spouse?
Runaway- Avril Lavigne (I hope not...)
---This is where the original one I found stops, but I'ma keep going with another one I just found. I'm having too much fun doing this. I have to do this more.---Levi
Will you get far in life?
Four in the Morning~ Gwen Stefani (...Um, what exactly does that mean? o.o)
Will you get married?
The Best D*mn Thing~ Avril Lavigne (What does that mean? I hope it's a yes... I wanna get married. D: :( )
What is your best friend's theme song?
Savin' Me~ Nickelback (Leah... is there something you're not telling me about? )
What was high school like?
Pure~ Superchick (I hope so...)
How can you get ahead in life?
Franklin~ Paramore (FINALLY! A Paramore song! :D Anyway... Sounds kind of melancholy. So I should stay in my town? o.O)
What is the best thing about your friends?
At the Corners~ Jill Pearson (Awww... you guys are awesome. :) )
What is in store for this weekend?
Songs with Wings~ Jill Pearson (Sounds good to me.)
To describe your grandparents?
So Bright (Stand Up)-Superchick (I don't know my grandparents very well... but I suppose that's goodish... sounds like something a grandparent might tell their grandchild maybe if they were doing stuff that isn't so great...)
How is your life going?
This is my Friend- Jill Pearson (AWESOME! Amen to that.)
How does the world see you?
We Live~ Superchick (Happy.)
Will you have a happy life?
God of Hope~ Jill Pearson (Amen to that.)
Do people secretly lust after you?
My Heart~ Paramore (People secretly want to give their heart to me? o.o)
How can I make myself happy?
Hundred~ The Fray (But that's a MELANCHOLY song... :( )
What should you do with your life?
Restore~ Jill Pearson (I suppose that's goodish.)
Will you ever have children?
Beautiful Offering~ Jill Pearson (o.o I think that's a yes... yay!)
If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do?
It's On~ Superchick (XD)
What does your mum think of you?
Anything but Ordinary~ Avril Lavigne (I suppose that's a good thing... I am anything but ordinary. *jk* XD :) Thank you... mom?)
What is your deep dark secret?
Vienna~ The Fray (What's that supposed to mean?! o.o)
What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
What I've Done~ Linkin Park (Well, at least whoever my mortal enemy is won't be my mortal enemy forever...)
What's your personality like?
Lying for You~ Linkin Park (Oh joy. o.ee. Two Linkin Park songs in a row... o.o)
What's your motto?
Can God Live in a Broken Heart- Jill Pearson (Okay. God can live in a broken heart...)
What do you think about often?
She Is~ The Fray (Ummm... maybe? o.ee Probably not. I don't think of girls that way... maybe my friends...)
What do you want right now?
You First Believed~ Hoku (Sure.)
((Wow, I'm done. D: No super-awkward ones. Which is sadness. *sigh* But still goodish, I suppose. I wish YouTube had a shuffle button on playlists... that would work waaaaaay better. XD :)
(reflection-y-rant-thing; probably serious) ...a person, not a problem.
That's what I'm trying to remind myself. Now that I think of it, that saying up there could be applied to a lot of things. Like one of the issues I seem to care so much about. Man, so many thought... just tumbling into another... It's always hard to focus on what I originally wanted to write about, once I get a thought-snowball like that.
I think I'll seperate my character flaws/whatever I should call them/negative thoughts into external and internal. External is stuff I could express out loud to someone that might be hurtful/frustrating/anger-inducing or what I do express out loud. Internal is a struggle that goes on within me, which could be self-exteem, or purely spiritual, like temptations, or just something that I personally think is screwed up in me.
I will admit, I can be really stupid and mean in my head. To other people. I would totally... well, I wouldn't kill, but I'd do something extreme just to be as sensitive as was about two to three years ago. Without being lost spiritually, anyway. I had the best empathy on earth. I guess I say that a lot, and that makes me think I'm whiney, like how I complain about my weight all the time, ignore how my friends say I'm not fat, and how I don't exercise hardly enough even after a day of enough snacks to match the three, carb-heavy, meals that I eat every day.
Sometimes I forget that my friends are more than just the issues that I see they have. I think that's the problem anyway. I can't find a balance, just like I can't with my self-perception. If I'm too friendly and ignore whatever's going on in their life and just don't say a word about it as I watch them go farther and farther from where they could, should, would be, it's just... not good. Sometimes we have to break our friends rules and intervene. Or at least try. And then if I'm too analytical or too talkative about their issues, they hate me for it. There is never a happy medium for the way I act. I cling to some friends. I never bring up whatever's going wrong in their life unless they do. I cling to some friends, and then I feel responsibility to others. If I don't talk to them in a while, I feel guilty, because what if their situation got worse? Or what if... what if, what if, what if. And it's like I'm not talking to them because I want to talk to them. And sometimes I'm like an information addict with my friends. A lot of the time, I'm curious at to what they have to say. And each time I find out something new about them, I have such a great feeling, like I'm more and more trusted. And then, I realize, I don't deserve trust, because I've betrayed their secrets before, even if it was just a crush, which it usually is. And then serious things, I don't let anyone else know. I have, I think, about two friends who willingly come to me with their problems and accept the words I say to them in response. It's not always just advice, sometimes it's just... I dunno. My responses. I feel so invasive sometimes. I know I am sometimes. Sometimes I'm genuinely concerned. Usually it's trivial things I'm invasive about, like boys and crushes. I try not to push so hard on serious issues. Only when they bring them up. They're people, not issues, not problems... these things either don't define them at all, or entirely make them who they are. If they're not taking charge, if they're not letting God in, or anyone else who tries to help.
I don't think I can be a co-dependent, because my family hasn't had the kind of issues that makes a person a co-dependent. Either that, or I'm ridiculously unorthodox. I don't fit all the symptoms either. I usually go up for personal responsibility when it comes to a person's actions, even if they have a mental disorder, which might ruin my chances of becoming a psychologist... I mean, things can be distorted when one has a disorder, but that doesn't mean one should not take responsibility for those actions. I don't even know where I got my basis, it's just my current thoughts. I wasn't always that way. But I'm such a hypocrite. What if... I just had something to blame on all of my wrong thoughts and actions? Not even another person, but just something within myself that "made" me act the way I did? What sick person wishes that? Even thinks of it? It's like sin--Satan tempts, but we commit the action of sin. No one, not even the evilest force "makes" us sin. It's just the way we are... and we have the choice, to bless or curse. To live or die spiritually.
I'll never wish this short life over before it's time again, but I just wish I could get a total mental makeover. I wish I could be the person who could balance, and the one that God wants me to be. I have to work though. Just like my whining problems, I've just gotta work... really, really hard.
Prayer requests again to my believing friends (You don't have to; it's just requests):
-My former piano-teaching friend in Kazahkstan, who is teaching English there. That she remains safe and reaches out the best way she can for the Lord in the country.
-A man who lost his cousin recently, to suicide. For the family and everyone.
-The country. We're lost, but we can be found again. That all will turn to God even more.
((Happy Late American Independence Day, guys. :) ))
And now I feel better after writing all this stuff. It wasn't good to write, but I feel better... I really do care about you guys, my friends. I love you guys so much. I'm amazed how you can put up with me all the time. You guys are the greatest people I've ever met, and I really don't know where I'd be without you. I thank God for you everyday.
I think I'll seperate my character flaws/whatever I should call them/negative thoughts into external and internal. External is stuff I could express out loud to someone that might be hurtful/frustrating/anger-inducing or what I do express out loud. Internal is a struggle that goes on within me, which could be self-exteem, or purely spiritual, like temptations, or just something that I personally think is screwed up in me.
I will admit, I can be really stupid and mean in my head. To other people. I would totally... well, I wouldn't kill, but I'd do something extreme just to be as sensitive as was about two to three years ago. Without being lost spiritually, anyway. I had the best empathy on earth. I guess I say that a lot, and that makes me think I'm whiney, like how I complain about my weight all the time, ignore how my friends say I'm not fat, and how I don't exercise hardly enough even after a day of enough snacks to match the three, carb-heavy, meals that I eat every day.
Sometimes I forget that my friends are more than just the issues that I see they have. I think that's the problem anyway. I can't find a balance, just like I can't with my self-perception. If I'm too friendly and ignore whatever's going on in their life and just don't say a word about it as I watch them go farther and farther from where they could, should, would be, it's just... not good. Sometimes we have to break our friends rules and intervene. Or at least try. And then if I'm too analytical or too talkative about their issues, they hate me for it. There is never a happy medium for the way I act. I cling to some friends. I never bring up whatever's going wrong in their life unless they do. I cling to some friends, and then I feel responsibility to others. If I don't talk to them in a while, I feel guilty, because what if their situation got worse? Or what if... what if, what if, what if. And it's like I'm not talking to them because I want to talk to them. And sometimes I'm like an information addict with my friends. A lot of the time, I'm curious at to what they have to say. And each time I find out something new about them, I have such a great feeling, like I'm more and more trusted. And then, I realize, I don't deserve trust, because I've betrayed their secrets before, even if it was just a crush, which it usually is. And then serious things, I don't let anyone else know. I have, I think, about two friends who willingly come to me with their problems and accept the words I say to them in response. It's not always just advice, sometimes it's just... I dunno. My responses. I feel so invasive sometimes. I know I am sometimes. Sometimes I'm genuinely concerned. Usually it's trivial things I'm invasive about, like boys and crushes. I try not to push so hard on serious issues. Only when they bring them up. They're people, not issues, not problems... these things either don't define them at all, or entirely make them who they are. If they're not taking charge, if they're not letting God in, or anyone else who tries to help.
I don't think I can be a co-dependent, because my family hasn't had the kind of issues that makes a person a co-dependent. Either that, or I'm ridiculously unorthodox. I don't fit all the symptoms either. I usually go up for personal responsibility when it comes to a person's actions, even if they have a mental disorder, which might ruin my chances of becoming a psychologist... I mean, things can be distorted when one has a disorder, but that doesn't mean one should not take responsibility for those actions. I don't even know where I got my basis, it's just my current thoughts. I wasn't always that way. But I'm such a hypocrite. What if... I just had something to blame on all of my wrong thoughts and actions? Not even another person, but just something within myself that "made" me act the way I did? What sick person wishes that? Even thinks of it? It's like sin--Satan tempts, but we commit the action of sin. No one, not even the evilest force "makes" us sin. It's just the way we are... and we have the choice, to bless or curse. To live or die spiritually.
I'll never wish this short life over before it's time again, but I just wish I could get a total mental makeover. I wish I could be the person who could balance, and the one that God wants me to be. I have to work though. Just like my whining problems, I've just gotta work... really, really hard.
Prayer requests again to my believing friends (You don't have to; it's just requests):
-My former piano-teaching friend in Kazahkstan, who is teaching English there. That she remains safe and reaches out the best way she can for the Lord in the country.
-A man who lost his cousin recently, to suicide. For the family and everyone.
-The country. We're lost, but we can be found again. That all will turn to God even more.
((Happy Late American Independence Day, guys. :) ))
And now I feel better after writing all this stuff. It wasn't good to write, but I feel better... I really do care about you guys, my friends. I love you guys so much. I'm amazed how you can put up with me all the time. You guys are the greatest people I've ever met, and I really don't know where I'd be without you. I thank God for you everyday.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
And now to get serious. :-/ (Reflections and vents and what not...)
Alright, I neglected talking about all the other events in June that have gone on, and toward the end of the schoolyear. There are a lot of them, lots of fun stuff. That I could go into detail on. I might later.
I was looking over my blog, looking at the 2008 posts, and decided to see if there was another one from this date last year, June 28. And so I did, and I was amazed. I was just... sobered. Because I've changed so much in a year, and not in a good way. I've heard all of this stuff lately, celebrity death, death of friends, watching intense fiction that involves death and pain and it's just... nothing gets to me anymore. My friends who are most likely to have issues or do, I neglect calling them, just to talk. Not that I don't pray for those who are in pain.
I was so spiritually mature last year. On June 28, 2008, I wrote about a night a remember, about my friend "Sam 2", and he was having a hard time, and how much I cared for him, how much God was so prominent and amazing, a wonderful Creator, a friend, a Healer. Something broke me sometime, I don't know what... well, maybe I do. I'm so dang selfish, I can't stand it. I'd rather, no offense to anyone, be miserable and empathetic like I was a few years ago, where every little hint of hurt in another person's life could make me cry and pray and want to help, and I hated myself while desperately hoping for others, than be selfish and unable to crack. I save tears for guilt. I've been like that for a while, even back then. Guilt, guilt, guilt, I haven't even felt that guilty in a while. I wish I did, because that would mean I care.
Last night, while watching Slumdog Millionaire, I had started to feel a little sick to my stomach, but it had nothing to do with the movie. When my dad or brother tried to say something about the sad things in the movie, and everything, I told them to be quiet, and watched, and rather than feeling horrible for the little boy who was blinded by the sick men who were teaching all these orphans how to beg, I was burning angry, wishing for retribution for the man and his accomplices. And as other graphic and terrible images and fictional memories that could be very real in real India appeared, I was just in a numb, saddish shell. How could that happen? I was still more angry though... I don't know, this had more logic when I thought it... I just didn't have the right emotional reaction.At least I thought I didn't. Now I do, I know how horrible it is. And I really want to do something to help out those who have lives like Jamal, Salim, and Latika's, in India, and wherever else. But immediately, I didn't react right or maybe not at all. I couldn't watch the men blind the boy, though... That was too horrible.
Regardless, that's just my reaction to fiction. There have been a ton of celebrity deaths lately, but that's not what got me. A friend of mine told me about her friends, who had lost four friends of theirs. She gave me a link to their local news. Five teens were in a car accident, with a man who might have been under the influence of alcohol, one teen, the driver in the car with the five, in critical condition, being the only survivor in that vehicle, and the man who hit them. He had minor, non-life-threatening injuries. How unfair, how terrible, how horrible, miserable, sad, that is... I just feel kind of heavy now, though I know people die everyday. It's just sad. None of the teens were over 16. I'm praying for all of them.
I don't know what's happened to me. Doubt and questions were planted in me, and Satan and people are pulling me in all these directions. I think I get the part in Romans, where Paul writes on how the sinful nature and the Spirit are always in conflict within him. I think that's the way it is for a lot of Christians, but I feel it. I just want to do things right, and live the way God wants me to. I want to be confident in who I am and what I want to do. I want to be able to let go of things, and not judge wrongly or cruelly, and I want to be able to take responsibility, and to step up to the plate, and care and break and hurt...
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15
I don't want to be prideful, I want to be able to be corrected, and not argue, and yet still, not hold back when I SHOULD say something... man. This life... I've gotta change. So much. One day at a time, I guess. If you guys don't mind, I'd like to ask my believer friends, I have a prayer request: Could you pray for the friend and her friends I mentioned earlier, and another friend of mine who's done something and another who's moving to a new place soon? That would be so greatly appreciated.
I really appreciate all who visit my blog. You're amazing people. God bless all, and He loves you all, and I love you guys. :) Thanks for your kindness and readership. ^^
I was looking over my blog, looking at the 2008 posts, and decided to see if there was another one from this date last year, June 28. And so I did, and I was amazed. I was just... sobered. Because I've changed so much in a year, and not in a good way. I've heard all of this stuff lately, celebrity death, death of friends, watching intense fiction that involves death and pain and it's just... nothing gets to me anymore. My friends who are most likely to have issues or do, I neglect calling them, just to talk. Not that I don't pray for those who are in pain.
I was so spiritually mature last year. On June 28, 2008, I wrote about a night a remember, about my friend "Sam 2", and he was having a hard time, and how much I cared for him, how much God was so prominent and amazing, a wonderful Creator, a friend, a Healer. Something broke me sometime, I don't know what... well, maybe I do. I'm so dang selfish, I can't stand it. I'd rather, no offense to anyone, be miserable and empathetic like I was a few years ago, where every little hint of hurt in another person's life could make me cry and pray and want to help, and I hated myself while desperately hoping for others, than be selfish and unable to crack. I save tears for guilt. I've been like that for a while, even back then. Guilt, guilt, guilt, I haven't even felt that guilty in a while. I wish I did, because that would mean I care.
Last night, while watching Slumdog Millionaire, I had started to feel a little sick to my stomach, but it had nothing to do with the movie. When my dad or brother tried to say something about the sad things in the movie, and everything, I told them to be quiet, and watched, and rather than feeling horrible for the little boy who was blinded by the sick men who were teaching all these orphans how to beg, I was burning angry, wishing for retribution for the man and his accomplices. And as other graphic and terrible images and fictional memories that could be very real in real India appeared, I was just in a numb, saddish shell. How could that happen? I was still more angry though... I don't know, this had more logic when I thought it... I just didn't have the right emotional reaction.At least I thought I didn't. Now I do, I know how horrible it is. And I really want to do something to help out those who have lives like Jamal, Salim, and Latika's, in India, and wherever else. But immediately, I didn't react right or maybe not at all. I couldn't watch the men blind the boy, though... That was too horrible.
Regardless, that's just my reaction to fiction. There have been a ton of celebrity deaths lately, but that's not what got me. A friend of mine told me about her friends, who had lost four friends of theirs. She gave me a link to their local news. Five teens were in a car accident, with a man who might have been under the influence of alcohol, one teen, the driver in the car with the five, in critical condition, being the only survivor in that vehicle, and the man who hit them. He had minor, non-life-threatening injuries. How unfair, how terrible, how horrible, miserable, sad, that is... I just feel kind of heavy now, though I know people die everyday. It's just sad. None of the teens were over 16. I'm praying for all of them.
I don't know what's happened to me. Doubt and questions were planted in me, and Satan and people are pulling me in all these directions. I think I get the part in Romans, where Paul writes on how the sinful nature and the Spirit are always in conflict within him. I think that's the way it is for a lot of Christians, but I feel it. I just want to do things right, and live the way God wants me to. I want to be confident in who I am and what I want to do. I want to be able to let go of things, and not judge wrongly or cruelly, and I want to be able to take responsibility, and to step up to the plate, and care and break and hurt...
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15
I don't want to be prideful, I want to be able to be corrected, and not argue, and yet still, not hold back when I SHOULD say something... man. This life... I've gotta change. So much. One day at a time, I guess. If you guys don't mind, I'd like to ask my believer friends, I have a prayer request: Could you pray for the friend and her friends I mentioned earlier, and another friend of mine who's done something and another who's moving to a new place soon? That would be so greatly appreciated.
I really appreciate all who visit my blog. You're amazing people. God bless all, and He loves you all, and I love you guys. :) Thanks for your kindness and readership. ^^
Sleepover and various weekend epicness. (mostly a rant of recollection, some unnecessary stuff maybe. xD)
Leah, Ella, and I had a sleepover this weekend. It was supposed to be a huge movie night, with all the Harry Potter movies out being watched (provided that Leah brought them), Phantom of the Opera, The Dark Knight, and Transformers. The grocery store with movie rentals didn't have Transformers out anymore. xP And Leah forgot the Harry Potter movies... (and to return my Remedy Drive CD!!! D:< That's okay, though, I can wait... ^^'). So we wound up watching only two movies. They came over on Friday, and it was around... 4:40 or so, and it was amazing. We put their stuff away, and then we changed into our swimsuits (I lent Ella a skort to put on because she didn't have her suit, and I didn't have any regular shorts... xD ^^'). And we went to the river. It was a new part of the river that I'd been wanting to visit for a while, and it was amazing!!! XD :) There was a little deeper, poolish area, that wasn't too deep, but it was pretty awesome, and we swam around in it, and it had soft, silky, silt-mud on the floor of it, and it felt like we were walking in chocolate pudding... yeah, healthy, I know right? It was so much fun though. xD :) We walked through a small part of the river. Most of it was pretty shallow, not like the other part that we usually go to. It was epic fun. Then we went back home, and then we rented The Dark Knight, and we ate pizza and bread and Ella and Leah had apple juice, and then we watched Phantom of the Opera. Just to say, ELLA AND LEAH ARE VERY OPINIONATED (sp?). xD They're both super-fans of Erik/Kristine, and can't stand Raoul... but yeah, it was a good movie, from what I caught out of it. ^^' The Dark Knight, we realized, is a very, very deep movie, once you get past the needless violence. We stayed up until a little past 2:30 AM (Leah and I ran outside for a few minutes while it was storming, because it had FINALLY started raining...). And then we slept. And Saturday morning, we did this:
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/u-PKPGMqEd6F1gAwSFsPiA
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/6JwOQmMtEd60-gAwSFxytA
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/TNh5JGMxEd60-gAwSFxytA
It was pretty cool. xD :) We are dorks, and we're crazy and all that jazz, but we rock. XD :) It was very fun to record those.
After Montana went home, Leah stayed, and we hung out for the day, and walked in the part of the river we usually went on. We kept wanting it to rain, but the sun was absorbing the clouds and stalking us xP Finally, it did, a little. It was really cool, the way the clouds arranged. Partway sunny, partway cloudy, some patches of blue in the sky, it was awesome. The small bit of rain was fun. xD We love the river... XD :) Leah, my family, and I went to this place called Camp Victory, for this carnival. We were originally going to just bring her home after the carnival, which would have ended at 10:30 PM, but we decided she should just stay over if it was that late, and so we planned to have Leah sleepover another night. We sang Remedy Drive and attempted Children 18:3 in the car. xD When we got there, she and I played this game where two people had to throw a ball into a hoop, while being attached to this cable or something through an inflatable thing, with one person attached to one end, the other to the other end. Whoever puts the ball in first, wins (Ella, if you're reading this, it's the game you and Leah played at Sunshine, xD :) ). But it was shorter than Leah and Ella's elementary school's Spring Fling carnival (we only got one ball. xP). Afterward, we went and got funnel cake and popcorn and food and we ate. xD Funnel cake is one of the most unhealthy and delicious culinary inventions ever. XD ^^' Heh... yeah...
Leah and I played an 18-hole game of Mini-Golf. And I failed. Though I got a hole-in-one on hole 7. XD But that was the only good thing I ever did in the rest of the game. xD The rest of it, I failed on. xP And I would guide the ball into a hole, rather than hit it, once I got close enough... ^^' Heh... heheh.
The most fun part of the carnival was the stuff we did that we didn't fully realize we weren't supposed to. ^^' Heh. There was caution tape, but we went under it, because we saw these girls playing with water balloons by the Water Wars machine (http://www.funfilledevents.com/images/water_wars_pics_014_mpu4.jpg Basically like that one, except without the net or the big X in the middle, and just randomly outside, nothing protecting the ground...). Water Wars was also at the elementary school's carnival, and that's what I recognized it from, and it is EPICALLY FUN.
Anyway, it was suspiciously close to the fireworks, which were supposed to go off later that night... heh. Well, we disregarded that and started blowing up balloons, as soon as we could make the balloon-filling-thingy work without spitting water out from the hose. Soon, a father and his son showed up, after we launched a couple balloons at each other. The little boy started playing with the balloons, and the man talked with us. And then another boy showed up, an older one. Him and the other boy started playing and filling balloons. And then an older boy showed up. And then this huge group of kids and a couple of adults with them, who looked related to them, showed up, and started playing. So it was turning into a watery mess of fun. Another family showed up, two little girls, their mom, and then their dad showed up later. Eventually, my mom and dad showed up. Leah and I and my dad all threw some balloon at each other. xD And then... a guy from the camp showed up said that the Water Wars was actually for the campers, and it was pretty close to the fireworks and not supposed to be in use, sooo... ^^' Heheh. We had to stop. D: It was sad, and Leah and I felt a little guilty for opening it up, but it was still fun. We left early, but Leah was still sleeping over, which we were happy about. xD
We came home, and rented Slumdog Millionaire. My dad, brother, Leah, and I watched it. I don't think my mom was all that interested. That movie was intense. o.o Afterward, Leah had a sandwich and apple juice *random* and we went on the computer, and Leah was bent on harrassing me to upload photos to Facebook that I've been procrastinating on for weeks... ^^' Heh... heheh. But then the internet died after one picture. xP So we all went to bed (Leah, my brother, and me). Leah and I only stayed up until midnight, but it was alright.
We got up this morning, and it actually wasn't burning hot, so I was amazed. I slept in the guest room (two beds, one room, etc.) and had this thing that happens sometimes when I sleep in hotels, where I think I'm up in my room, and found that I was underneath a blanket over my head, so I kicked it off as fast as possible, cuz I was kinda freaked out, but then I realized I was just in the guest room, and I'm like "Oh...".
And then I was headed for the door, and Leah shoots right up. xD It was epic. I was amazed at how quickly she woke up this morning. xD She told me about her epic dream, where her and Jamal from Slumdog Millionaire went to McDonald's and they weren't allowed to go in because they were too dirty and shoeless... you'll have to ask her about it. :) It was pretty epicsauce.
I took a shower and then I got out and then Leah chose clothes to borrow from me, because she'd only brought two outfits that weekend, and she looked very feminine. xD :) ^^ Mwahahahahaha...
We ate a breakfast of coffee (Leah; I didn't have much coffee this weekend, sadly. D:), biscuits, bacon, and eggs. :) It was very good. And then we drove up to Rochester, singing Children 18:3's "Mock the Music" when it came onto the radio, and it was amazing. XD And then we got up to Sunday School. We chatted for a little bit with a couple of our friends, and then the high school band led worship for the first Sunday this summer in Middle School Sunday school. It was pretty awesome. And then we had the lesson, which was really cool and interesting, about Galations. It's about how the Galations made all of these unnecessary rules based on the Law, something called "legalism", where rules and restrictions overtake the purpose and message of the Gospel in a church, and how it was wrong. It was really interesting, and really cool. I've got a lot to work on in my walk with God right now, so I'm glad to keep going to Sunday School and everything.
We found my friend "Macy" (blog codename) after Sunday School again (we talked to her before it started), and I sadly couldn't stay to go over to her house or anything after church, or help out with King's Kids (the children's ministry service-thingy, with games, snacks, a video, songs, etc.). And we brought Leah home. :( And then my family went home, and my dad went to work, and I've been here ever since.
So that was my epic weekend. xD The best thing, I guess, about today, is that Rose is heading up from Florida today. :D
I love you guys. :) God loves you more! xD :) Talk to you all later. :) <3
Aly
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/u-PKPGMqEd6F1gAwSFsPiA
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/6JwOQmMtEd60-gAwSFxytA
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/TNh5JGMxEd60-gAwSFxytA
It was pretty cool. xD :) We are dorks, and we're crazy and all that jazz, but we rock. XD :) It was very fun to record those.
After Montana went home, Leah stayed, and we hung out for the day, and walked in the part of the river we usually went on. We kept wanting it to rain, but the sun was absorbing the clouds and stalking us xP Finally, it did, a little. It was really cool, the way the clouds arranged. Partway sunny, partway cloudy, some patches of blue in the sky, it was awesome. The small bit of rain was fun. xD We love the river... XD :) Leah, my family, and I went to this place called Camp Victory, for this carnival. We were originally going to just bring her home after the carnival, which would have ended at 10:30 PM, but we decided she should just stay over if it was that late, and so we planned to have Leah sleepover another night. We sang Remedy Drive and attempted Children 18:3 in the car. xD When we got there, she and I played this game where two people had to throw a ball into a hoop, while being attached to this cable or something through an inflatable thing, with one person attached to one end, the other to the other end. Whoever puts the ball in first, wins (Ella, if you're reading this, it's the game you and Leah played at Sunshine, xD :) ). But it was shorter than Leah and Ella's elementary school's Spring Fling carnival (we only got one ball. xP). Afterward, we went and got funnel cake and popcorn and food and we ate. xD Funnel cake is one of the most unhealthy and delicious culinary inventions ever. XD ^^' Heh... yeah...
Leah and I played an 18-hole game of Mini-Golf. And I failed. Though I got a hole-in-one on hole 7. XD But that was the only good thing I ever did in the rest of the game. xD The rest of it, I failed on. xP And I would guide the ball into a hole, rather than hit it, once I got close enough... ^^' Heh... heheh.
The most fun part of the carnival was the stuff we did that we didn't fully realize we weren't supposed to. ^^' Heh. There was caution tape, but we went under it, because we saw these girls playing with water balloons by the Water Wars machine (http://www.funfilledevents.com/images/water_wars_pics_014_mpu4.jpg Basically like that one, except without the net or the big X in the middle, and just randomly outside, nothing protecting the ground...). Water Wars was also at the elementary school's carnival, and that's what I recognized it from, and it is EPICALLY FUN.
Anyway, it was suspiciously close to the fireworks, which were supposed to go off later that night... heh. Well, we disregarded that and started blowing up balloons, as soon as we could make the balloon-filling-thingy work without spitting water out from the hose. Soon, a father and his son showed up, after we launched a couple balloons at each other. The little boy started playing with the balloons, and the man talked with us. And then another boy showed up, an older one. Him and the other boy started playing and filling balloons. And then an older boy showed up. And then this huge group of kids and a couple of adults with them, who looked related to them, showed up, and started playing. So it was turning into a watery mess of fun. Another family showed up, two little girls, their mom, and then their dad showed up later. Eventually, my mom and dad showed up. Leah and I and my dad all threw some balloon at each other. xD And then... a guy from the camp showed up said that the Water Wars was actually for the campers, and it was pretty close to the fireworks and not supposed to be in use, sooo... ^^' Heheh. We had to stop. D: It was sad, and Leah and I felt a little guilty for opening it up, but it was still fun. We left early, but Leah was still sleeping over, which we were happy about. xD
We came home, and rented Slumdog Millionaire. My dad, brother, Leah, and I watched it. I don't think my mom was all that interested. That movie was intense. o.o Afterward, Leah had a sandwich and apple juice *random* and we went on the computer, and Leah was bent on harrassing me to upload photos to Facebook that I've been procrastinating on for weeks... ^^' Heh... heheh. But then the internet died after one picture. xP So we all went to bed (Leah, my brother, and me). Leah and I only stayed up until midnight, but it was alright.
We got up this morning, and it actually wasn't burning hot, so I was amazed. I slept in the guest room (two beds, one room, etc.) and had this thing that happens sometimes when I sleep in hotels, where I think I'm up in my room, and found that I was underneath a blanket over my head, so I kicked it off as fast as possible, cuz I was kinda freaked out, but then I realized I was just in the guest room, and I'm like "Oh...".
And then I was headed for the door, and Leah shoots right up. xD It was epic. I was amazed at how quickly she woke up this morning. xD She told me about her epic dream, where her and Jamal from Slumdog Millionaire went to McDonald's and they weren't allowed to go in because they were too dirty and shoeless... you'll have to ask her about it. :) It was pretty epicsauce.
I took a shower and then I got out and then Leah chose clothes to borrow from me, because she'd only brought two outfits that weekend, and she looked very feminine. xD :) ^^ Mwahahahahaha...
We ate a breakfast of coffee (Leah; I didn't have much coffee this weekend, sadly. D:), biscuits, bacon, and eggs. :) It was very good. And then we drove up to Rochester, singing Children 18:3's "Mock the Music" when it came onto the radio, and it was amazing. XD And then we got up to Sunday School. We chatted for a little bit with a couple of our friends, and then the high school band led worship for the first Sunday this summer in Middle School Sunday school. It was pretty awesome. And then we had the lesson, which was really cool and interesting, about Galations. It's about how the Galations made all of these unnecessary rules based on the Law, something called "legalism", where rules and restrictions overtake the purpose and message of the Gospel in a church, and how it was wrong. It was really interesting, and really cool. I've got a lot to work on in my walk with God right now, so I'm glad to keep going to Sunday School and everything.
We found my friend "Macy" (blog codename) after Sunday School again (we talked to her before it started), and I sadly couldn't stay to go over to her house or anything after church, or help out with King's Kids (the children's ministry service-thingy, with games, snacks, a video, songs, etc.). And we brought Leah home. :( And then my family went home, and my dad went to work, and I've been here ever since.
So that was my epic weekend. xD The best thing, I guess, about today, is that Rose is heading up from Florida today. :D
I love you guys. :) God loves you more! xD :) Talk to you all later. :) <3
Aly
Monday, June 22, 2009
MAN! It's been forever...
I'm really sorry. I'm extremely neglectful, I know... *sigh*
Sooo... Last weekend, was the amaziiingggsauce girls' cabin trip. Ella and I had a blast. XD It was so much fun, tubing, boat-riding, being pyros and throwing random stuff into the campfire... *sigh* Goooooood times. Four days of pure awesomeness. 8)
Carefest was absolutely amazing on Saturday.
http://www.rochestercarefest.org/
Leah and I had an insane time, man. xD We were painting in this room in this house for teens with a lot of potential, but not the greatest living circumstances, from big cities (like New York) to come to Rochester and have a better chance at success and an education, after applying. It's really cool.
And the room looked amazing when we were done. It was so different... it's still being worked on for post-Carefest, but that's okay. :) Leah and I got in a paint fight, and she was MEAN and painted "LOSER" on the back of my Carefest shirt. xPPP
And since we got hyped up on caffeine that day (We had McDonald's iced mochas, and then we walked there for lunch with my mom and the other woman working in the room with us, and had suicides [where you take a drink cup and fill it with a little bit of every single soda on the soda machine]), we stayed up on the phone talking until about 1:40-something AM. And Leah did the math--we beat our phone record, and our record now is 6 hours and 17 minutes. :D
So yeah, that's how it's been in the past 2 weeks. Pretty epic times. :) I am really glad everything's been great. Thank God. :) And I will be missing Nattie greatly this week, as he is going to France. D: But it's alright.
Love you guys! :D
God bless you! :)
<3
Aly
Sooo... Last weekend, was the amaziiingggsauce girls' cabin trip. Ella and I had a blast. XD It was so much fun, tubing, boat-riding, being pyros and throwing random stuff into the campfire... *sigh* Goooooood times. Four days of pure awesomeness. 8)
Carefest was absolutely amazing on Saturday.
http://www.rochestercarefest.org/
Leah and I had an insane time, man. xD We were painting in this room in this house for teens with a lot of potential, but not the greatest living circumstances, from big cities (like New York) to come to Rochester and have a better chance at success and an education, after applying. It's really cool.
And the room looked amazing when we were done. It was so different... it's still being worked on for post-Carefest, but that's okay. :) Leah and I got in a paint fight, and she was MEAN and painted "LOSER" on the back of my Carefest shirt. xPPP
And since we got hyped up on caffeine that day (We had McDonald's iced mochas, and then we walked there for lunch with my mom and the other woman working in the room with us, and had suicides [where you take a drink cup and fill it with a little bit of every single soda on the soda machine]), we stayed up on the phone talking until about 1:40-something AM. And Leah did the math--we beat our phone record, and our record now is 6 hours and 17 minutes. :D
So yeah, that's how it's been in the past 2 weeks. Pretty epic times. :) I am really glad everything's been great. Thank God. :) And I will be missing Nattie greatly this week, as he is going to France. D: But it's alright.
Love you guys! :D
God bless you! :)
<3
Aly
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
A poem.
I put this on my Facebook notes because whenever I "study" a certain issue, someone pops up in my head. She's on my heart right now, and man... I hope she's doing well today.
Her and Her Choices
Is that how she feels?
Miserable and depressed?
So full of regret?
Most take years to get this pain
Some months, some weaks, rarely days.
The pain, the hurt, the remorse, realization
What you've done is wrong.
Tragedy, tragedy, someone else is gone.
You were given mercy at the hands of mother dearest.
But you couldn't give the same.
I don't understand
Your pain, maybe shame.
I want to hold you there, and I pray for you.
All the time.
And many others like you.
Why didn't you tell me before?
Why didn't you?
Who told you to do this, or was the choice truly your own?
Why did you make this choice?
I wouldn't force you to do
Anything that would hurt you so badly.
You were so young.
You're still so young.
But I guess I'm still in shock.
Watching as a distant issue hit me right here.
You confessed, and others admitted
Other people they knew did the same.
Is this all so common?
I've watched the videos, heard the stories.
But I'll never know the pain.
I pray, I pray I won't at the very least.
Vicious acts committed before they even enter life.
Preventing them from doing so.
And watching him or her just... gone, in literal pieces.
Irony, irony, pain, horror, shock.
Those around you are treated better.
And you are left in pain, with your family-weary sarcasm and anger
Perhaps covering it up.
And you were brought to this.
Oh God, oh God, heal her, touch her heart, heal her.
Hold the child who never got a chance on bitter Earth.
Perhaps it was good for him or her.
You wouldn't have had to walk the halls of school.
Just church.
Perhaps been gone for a year without a warning.
I would worry, but then... I'd find things out.
I'd have supported you as much as possible.
You were so young, you're still so young.
To have to deal with this pain...
You left me with these thoughts,
This shock, but it's nothing
Like what you have to deal with.
God, hold her close and comfort her.
If she's asked, she's forgiven.
I listen watch and think about this issue
As if it's so far away.
I read testimonies of women,
Realize their hurt.
More and more, I want the cause gone.
Especially for you,
Because you put a face
On this for me.
My friend, I never knew you to be this kind
But I don't care any longer.
I'm here for you if you need me.
Give me a call.
God's here always.
Give Him a call.
Lift your family and your pain to Him.
Time may not heal all scars
But He certainly can.
Her and Her Choices
Is that how she feels?
Miserable and depressed?
So full of regret?
Most take years to get this pain
Some months, some weaks, rarely days.
The pain, the hurt, the remorse, realization
What you've done is wrong.
Tragedy, tragedy, someone else is gone.
You were given mercy at the hands of mother dearest.
But you couldn't give the same.
I don't understand
Your pain, maybe shame.
I want to hold you there, and I pray for you.
All the time.
And many others like you.
Why didn't you tell me before?
Why didn't you?
Who told you to do this, or was the choice truly your own?
Why did you make this choice?
I wouldn't force you to do
Anything that would hurt you so badly.
You were so young.
You're still so young.
But I guess I'm still in shock.
Watching as a distant issue hit me right here.
You confessed, and others admitted
Other people they knew did the same.
Is this all so common?
I've watched the videos, heard the stories.
But I'll never know the pain.
I pray, I pray I won't at the very least.
Vicious acts committed before they even enter life.
Preventing them from doing so.
And watching him or her just... gone, in literal pieces.
Irony, irony, pain, horror, shock.
Those around you are treated better.
And you are left in pain, with your family-weary sarcasm and anger
Perhaps covering it up.
And you were brought to this.
Oh God, oh God, heal her, touch her heart, heal her.
Hold the child who never got a chance on bitter Earth.
Perhaps it was good for him or her.
You wouldn't have had to walk the halls of school.
Just church.
Perhaps been gone for a year without a warning.
I would worry, but then... I'd find things out.
I'd have supported you as much as possible.
You were so young, you're still so young.
To have to deal with this pain...
You left me with these thoughts,
This shock, but it's nothing
Like what you have to deal with.
God, hold her close and comfort her.
If she's asked, she's forgiven.
I listen watch and think about this issue
As if it's so far away.
I read testimonies of women,
Realize their hurt.
More and more, I want the cause gone.
Especially for you,
Because you put a face
On this for me.
My friend, I never knew you to be this kind
But I don't care any longer.
I'm here for you if you need me.
Give me a call.
God's here always.
Give Him a call.
Lift your family and your pain to Him.
Time may not heal all scars
But He certainly can.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Could someone assist me in Creative Blog Post Titles 101? (summer reading list that I will add to at request/new book discovery, writing rants, etc.)
I've been severely procrastinating writing this. I have a feeling that my reading Lexile in the Fall could possibly go down about another 10 points from the three that my spring Lexile already went down this year, unless I start reading some books... like, RIGHT NOW. (Sorry for the abuse of the word "like"... I tend to talk like that when I rant in real life, so I apologize for my bad grammar. D:)
So, here is my summer reading list. Everyone: REMIND ME TO READ. I love reading, I do, I just haven't gotten into books since... I don't really know what caused my decline. *shrug* Well, here's the list (with explanations in parentheses; sorry if that gets annoying):
The Host by Stephenie Meyer (very pathetically never finished last summer though I bought it practically on the same day it came out...)
ALL the books in the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling (peer pressure; xP Though I'm interested.)
Breathless by Lurlene McDaniel (Just discovered this today, originally from an ad on Facebook...it sounds really good, sad, dramatic, tackles a contraversial issue with rawness of emotion, from what I saw in reviews... just how I like my realistic fiction. xP :( )
Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen
That Summer and Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen (I OWN those books and haven't finished them; this is just bugging me cuz I bought a lot of books, didn't finish them, and that just fails. xP)
The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen (same as above)
My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult (I know this book is good. Plus, I want to see the movie. And Handle with Care and The Tenth Circle, though I don't recommend them, were good. XD Heh. I'll explain later.)
Georgie by Malachy Doyle (sounds REALLY, REALLY good; a friend of mine recommended it, Amazon confirmed my interest)
Diary of a Teenage Girl Series by Melody Carlson (I just want to finish it. I'm on the first book of the third series of the entire big deal, and they're not hard to read, and I like them, however many times MC repeats herself with certain plot situations...)
True Colors series by Melody Carlson (read about 3 of them fully during the schoolyear, and I should be able to finish the rest at some point this summer... xD I need to head to the library again...)
Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher (People read it a lot at my school. And it's been popping up on my suggested lists on Amazon for about two years, and I know its content, and it seems like something I'd like to read, so... yeah.)
The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons by Dan Brown (I like this stuff sometimes; my friends love it)
Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles (I'm stealing it from Montana. I AM STEALING IT FROM HER. It also sounds a slight bit like Romiette and Julio by Sharon Draper, except much more intense, in several ways...)
Leaving Paradise by Simone Elkeles (just discovered on Amazon; It sounds so amazing that I seriously need to read it. Really sad, and I read that the ending was a downer from the reviews, but it still sounds good; downer ending to a "romance"= Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn; though their situation was... er... quite different. And Nick shouldn't have been going after her after that anyway, but... first time reading it, it was still saddish. D: [/endrant] )
---
And that's it so far. I'm TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY open to suggestions.
Seriously, I need to read more. And soon. :D So thank you. :)
Also... I really feel the need to write something random, and off the top of my head. And by random, it doesn't have to be random sounding (like humorous, nonsensical)... just... out of almost nowhere came the urge to write it. Except, there's always an inspiration. Like other books, music, situations in real life, certain issues that interest me... so whatever's on my mind, ends up as fiction on paper. Like my first short story recently. I'll post it eventually. Its roots drew from a recent loss in the church, perhaps in the back of my mind, this really adorable little girl I saw at a food drive, trying to understand guys, and I suppose you could call it, the value of children. Family... etc. It was short, and all the characters were annonymous. I wrote it rather late at night, so there could have been grammatical errors, but rereading it a couple of times the day after... it was actually pretty alright, in my opinion. And I'm not trying to sound cocky; I know it has its flaws, but... I kind of liked it. It was sad though. :'( But a lot of stuff I write can get sad. But this wasn't melodramatic... I think I was just trying to understand... what it meant, how it felt to have all of this happen to a person, and then that little hope at the ending.
So, I might end up writing something randomly tonight. If not... some other time. ^^' Well, I love you guys! God bless you! :)
So, here is my summer reading list. Everyone: REMIND ME TO READ. I love reading, I do, I just haven't gotten into books since... I don't really know what caused my decline. *shrug* Well, here's the list (with explanations in parentheses; sorry if that gets annoying):
The Host by Stephenie Meyer (very pathetically never finished last summer though I bought it practically on the same day it came out...)
ALL the books in the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling (peer pressure; xP Though I'm interested.)
Breathless by Lurlene McDaniel (Just discovered this today, originally from an ad on Facebook...it sounds really good, sad, dramatic, tackles a contraversial issue with rawness of emotion, from what I saw in reviews... just how I like my realistic fiction. xP :( )
Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen
That Summer and Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen (I OWN those books and haven't finished them; this is just bugging me cuz I bought a lot of books, didn't finish them, and that just fails. xP)
The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen (same as above)
My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult (I know this book is good. Plus, I want to see the movie. And Handle with Care and The Tenth Circle, though I don't recommend them, were good. XD Heh. I'll explain later.)
Georgie by Malachy Doyle (sounds REALLY, REALLY good; a friend of mine recommended it, Amazon confirmed my interest)
Diary of a Teenage Girl Series by Melody Carlson (I just want to finish it. I'm on the first book of the third series of the entire big deal, and they're not hard to read, and I like them, however many times MC repeats herself with certain plot situations...)
True Colors series by Melody Carlson (read about 3 of them fully during the schoolyear, and I should be able to finish the rest at some point this summer... xD I need to head to the library again...)
Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher (People read it a lot at my school. And it's been popping up on my suggested lists on Amazon for about two years, and I know its content, and it seems like something I'd like to read, so... yeah.)
The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons by Dan Brown (I like this stuff sometimes; my friends love it)
Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles (I'm stealing it from Montana. I AM STEALING IT FROM HER. It also sounds a slight bit like Romiette and Julio by Sharon Draper, except much more intense, in several ways...)
Leaving Paradise by Simone Elkeles (just discovered on Amazon; It sounds so amazing that I seriously need to read it. Really sad, and I read that the ending was a downer from the reviews, but it still sounds good; downer ending to a "romance"= Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn; though their situation was... er... quite different. And Nick shouldn't have been going after her after that anyway, but... first time reading it, it was still saddish. D: [/endrant] )
---
And that's it so far. I'm TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY open to suggestions.
Seriously, I need to read more. And soon. :D So thank you. :)
Also... I really feel the need to write something random, and off the top of my head. And by random, it doesn't have to be random sounding (like humorous, nonsensical)... just... out of almost nowhere came the urge to write it. Except, there's always an inspiration. Like other books, music, situations in real life, certain issues that interest me... so whatever's on my mind, ends up as fiction on paper. Like my first short story recently. I'll post it eventually. Its roots drew from a recent loss in the church, perhaps in the back of my mind, this really adorable little girl I saw at a food drive, trying to understand guys, and I suppose you could call it, the value of children. Family... etc. It was short, and all the characters were annonymous. I wrote it rather late at night, so there could have been grammatical errors, but rereading it a couple of times the day after... it was actually pretty alright, in my opinion. And I'm not trying to sound cocky; I know it has its flaws, but... I kind of liked it. It was sad though. :'( But a lot of stuff I write can get sad. But this wasn't melodramatic... I think I was just trying to understand... what it meant, how it felt to have all of this happen to a person, and then that little hope at the ending.
So, I might end up writing something randomly tonight. If not... some other time. ^^' Well, I love you guys! God bless you! :)
Monday, June 8, 2009
Because I'm lazy and it's Summer...
The link I have on Snapvine (voice blog whateverz site) is in the link of the title. Click it, AND DON'T LISTEN TO ME SINGING!!!! BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY SUCK RIGHT NOW! I'm going to re-record me singing and maybe edit it on here later.
Anyway, HIIIIII! I'm really sorry I haven't updated in forever!
If you've recentely read Leah's blog, about the Remedy Drive and Children 18:3 concert, you should. It's a pretty sufficient summary of that AWESOME concert! XD Also, I touched Dave's sweaty arm... heheheheh. Leah and I are going to be decidedly groupie-ish/fangirl-y of Remedy Drive now. XD No offense to Nattie. I love Nathaniel. :)
Well... IT IS SUMMER! I got out on Friday, June 5th, which was a day of pretty much nothing academically related except for the eighth grade graduation, which was hardly anything like that. XD It was AWESOME though. The teachers are HILARIOUS; they filmed skits of how they would remember us eighth graders, and it was loaded with inside jokes, but it was so funny. I suppose I like my small-town school for that. We can all make fun of each other, and just have it be... fun. And everyone can be close enough to their teachers, you know? It's pretty cool. :)
Like I said, I'll be gone this Thursday-Monday. June 11th through June 14. Ella (mymindisagraveyard-deadthingsareinit.blogspot.com) will also be gone then. :) It's gonna be pretty awesome. XD The girl's cabin trip with my youth-y group-y stuffs. :3 :D
Hopefully, it won't be so cold and wet then so we can enjoy our time on the lake and everything. :D I enjoy life. XD :)
Anyway, it's been pretty good lately. Just giving ya'll a little update. I might be posting some fiction/poetry sometime soon. :) Also, I'd like to advise you to visit this blog:
http://thisdreamthing.blogspot.com/
It's Ella's new blog. I know alllll about her dream, so it's safe to say: GOOD DREAM, GOOD STORY, YOU MUST READ IT. :D :)
Anyway, thanks for reading guys! Love you all! God bless! :)
~Aly
(Anyway, I gave up on singing Say When by The Fray. Here's me sucking again.
http://www.snapvine.com/sb/b94d4aa8544a11de979b0030485b0f88?user=475e261af5f511dc81880030485b0f88
Strawberry Swing by Coldplay. Yeah... it sounds like I have a cold or something like that... xP *sigh* Oh well. Maybe you can find the good in this singing suckiness, because I can't. xP I'm probably going to keep singing on my Snapvine today, though... maybe I'll get better with some 'practice'. Love you all again! God bless! :) )
Anyway, HIIIIII! I'm really sorry I haven't updated in forever!
If you've recentely read Leah's blog, about the Remedy Drive and Children 18:3 concert, you should. It's a pretty sufficient summary of that AWESOME concert! XD Also, I touched Dave's sweaty arm... heheheheh. Leah and I are going to be decidedly groupie-ish/fangirl-y of Remedy Drive now. XD No offense to Nattie. I love Nathaniel. :)
Well... IT IS SUMMER! I got out on Friday, June 5th, which was a day of pretty much nothing academically related except for the eighth grade graduation, which was hardly anything like that. XD It was AWESOME though. The teachers are HILARIOUS; they filmed skits of how they would remember us eighth graders, and it was loaded with inside jokes, but it was so funny. I suppose I like my small-town school for that. We can all make fun of each other, and just have it be... fun. And everyone can be close enough to their teachers, you know? It's pretty cool. :)
Like I said, I'll be gone this Thursday-Monday. June 11th through June 14. Ella (mymindisagraveyard-deadthingsareinit.blogspot.com) will also be gone then. :) It's gonna be pretty awesome. XD The girl's cabin trip with my youth-y group-y stuffs. :3 :D
Hopefully, it won't be so cold and wet then so we can enjoy our time on the lake and everything. :D I enjoy life. XD :)
Anyway, it's been pretty good lately. Just giving ya'll a little update. I might be posting some fiction/poetry sometime soon. :) Also, I'd like to advise you to visit this blog:
http://thisdreamthing.blogspot.com/
It's Ella's new blog. I know alllll about her dream, so it's safe to say: GOOD DREAM, GOOD STORY, YOU MUST READ IT. :D :)
Anyway, thanks for reading guys! Love you all! God bless! :)
~Aly
(Anyway, I gave up on singing Say When by The Fray. Here's me sucking again.
http://www.snapvine.com/sb/b94d4aa8544a11de979b0030485b0f88?user=475e261af5f511dc81880030485b0f88
Strawberry Swing by Coldplay. Yeah... it sounds like I have a cold or something like that... xP *sigh* Oh well. Maybe you can find the good in this singing suckiness, because I can't. xP I'm probably going to keep singing on my Snapvine today, though... maybe I'll get better with some 'practice'. Love you all again! God bless! :) )
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