Sorry it's been a while since I updated... IF I HAVE ANY READERS... xP

Kim is PMSing! YEY! XP

Mood swiiiiiiings.

8)

Anyway, I'm updating randomly. I have a dance this Friday. I have no guys willing to dance with me! WHEEEEE! I do have my friends though... <333 They rox. XD

I'm mood swingyyyyy.

Anyway, internet addiction is in full-blow, as I addictively post on my addictive roleplay with my friend...

I continue reading my Bible everyday, however. I've been reading a Proverb a day. I also read Song of Songs.

Well, random update hooray. ILY U PPL.

Another 'chapter' in the blog; PG-13, some private information revealed; read with caution. EXTREME CAUTION.

Kim never thought that this day would come.

She felt hated, all over again... like she was getting called a freak, or annoying or avoided just because of her weird behavior... just like in fifth grade. The weird kid obsessed with the weird shows no one liked and an annoying, obsessive crush on the kid in her grade. His name had also ironically been David. But the thing was, she was so obsessed with him, like in the manner that she managed to call herself obsessive compulsive.

Fifth grade basically crushed all her confidence.

Sixth grade seemed pretty miserable, ridiculously angsty, and morally unstable. (fortunately, no actual actions were done due to those... yeah... )

And now she felt like all that stuff was just falling back out at her.

Jared... she felt like he hated her. Him... out of all people...

She felt like one of the characters she wrote in roleplays, except without an actual cause for their honest-to-goodness almost PTSD... she was just feeling all of this all over again.

What to call it? Verbal abuse, anger issues... maybe just the fact that he had something else going on that made him all mad... Well, she couldn't really call it abuse or anything. They weren't dating, and he wasn't a bully. It didn't count. He HAD however been a little bit verbally abusive to his ex, Angela... but it was all Kim's fault. She had gotten in between them. She should have distanced herself, rather than let Jared make himself look like he was practically cheating on her. Angela said that Kim was all he talked about... and when she got angry or tried to say something, he'd just call her names (and behind her back also... most of the names started with a b and ended in itch... )

Kim knew better than to think that he was like this on his own. '...dad treats his mom like s***'... gave her a hint. She wanted to do whatever she could to get him out...

Reading 'Breathing Underwater' by Alex Flinn gave her a lot of insight... but books don't tell anything. And... maybe she did feel a little bullied. She never wanted to admit if he'd ever made her feel hurt before. Because he honestly didn't. But now....

Ugh, she was so overreactive.

There's none of that involved in what was going on right now... all that was going on right now... was simply another friendship breaking. Just tearing apart... so easily... even after all the 'I love you's' and the 'I'll wait for you's' and all the stuff she'd done to hurt him... she'd been so cold... she hated herself for it right now.

Hm. Sounded cliche. Maybe... no, no, overreaction... or was it denial?

Grrr, stupid fake MPD (Dr. Bob and Patient Kim... )

She wasn't pretending something bad wasn't... actually, yeah she was, but only from her parents... she knew her dad didn't approve of Jared enough, only because of a misunderstanding from last summer, but... yeah.

She began to rethink him. She knew that her Bible told her angry people are better to be avoided from... but it was lineage, she was sure it was...

She wanted to stop him from being that way...

But if he kept lashing out at her, or other people, what could she do? She wasn't a victim. She was just there... it was only on the internet that he said most things... angry and unhappy, depressed or... in love? Only in an IM or an email... but that was it...

And now...

It changed so easily. Something had to be up...

She felt arrogant for thinking this way. He liked her, and she didn't wanna believe that he'd stopped. She'd been using him as a backup...

No, she hadn't... she genuinely cared...

Ugh... such stupid argumentive thoughts. She wished she could just be confident again. And that she wasn't on her way to being overweight, or being hated by the best guy friend she'd ever had... how come they had ended up this way?

She knew she might even cry tommorrow if she had to reprint that poem for her English 4th quarter writing submission. Right at the last minute, she'd decided to use it instead of one of her excercises... she decided to use the poem she'd written the night Jared had told her of what had been going on and finally expressed how he felt... in an... expressive manner that had minimal and/or realistic swearing...

She had to pray about this. Maybe she did need to stay away from him... no matter how much she didn't want to...

Hi peepz. (It is late. I am tired. *yaaaaawn*)

This is a rant. A real, true, randomly random, rant.

I am addicted to Coldplay right now.

You know the top three depressing bands? Well, I have a rule against listening to them at night... (past experience... loooooooooong story... o.e) Due to listening to Evanescence at night causing one of my online friends' characters in an RP to be possessed, getting mentally scarred by listening to 'Bleed It Out' by Linkin Park, at like, 8:50 eastern, while in a car filled with people... and several other instances... I've learned those bands really aren't the best at night.

I actually discovered how amazering The Scientist- Coldplay was on that same night. And various other Coldplay songs... and the Fray... I listen to the Fray a lot before I go to bed... actually, as I fall asleep. XD I love them both. My nightleh bands... soft and prettyfulz, most of the time romantic, or reminiscent, of good times, and bad, and so loverly...

Roleplaying depressingly really puts you in a mood, man. Like, any writing dude, but like, yah... *sigh* I miss Troyn already... (Troy/Taryn; two characters in the RP I write with a couple of friends online) *sighness* :'( *sniff* toopid angsteh teenagers wiff suckeh lives in a screwed-up version of the US.... *sighzzzz*

Peace out, ya'll.

I feel really dumb right now. (depressing rant.)

I live by cliches. I write them. I've experienced them. I have the magical ability to put together the author's clues and background experience to make a good conclusion/inference/prediction. But I missed this. When any place medical CALLS BACK after a test is done on a patient, it means something is WRONG.

Why did I miss this? Even though I picked up?

"We're calling about your dad's x-rays..."

Yeah. I mean, I totally thought it was normal and okay. I was being all airheaded again. It could be the fact that I'm writing about romances breaking, and listening to Cinderella, and being a pessimist right now, but I have this feeling. That is often wrong. But... I always end up feeling like giving into it. Thinking negatively is terrible... and I do it when I think something could easily be really bad... But I've gotta give this up to God. I just... I need to bring my family closer to him right now. My parents are having issues. Again. xPPP You know, I always say that whole 'perfect family' crap, because I know compared to all the other people I know, we have it so darn good. (I resist swearing... I said it in my head, okay? Lord forgive me... ) And yet I'm complaining like a freakin' stupid angsty teenager! Which I should be. But I'm not. I don't wanna be one. Even though it's so flippin' easy.

*breathes* Ahhh, after a little bit of faking happiness, I'm good again. *sigh*

I love God... I... I know we'll have trials and everything. And I can't try to figure out his thoughts and what he wants to do with my life. Or my parents, or my brother, or my friends. I can't force anyone to follow him. And I can't be perfect... and not everyone in the world is going to like me... and I can't fix everyone... and I can't...

See, negativity.

I'm almost crying here, people.

*sigh*

I can, however, Follow God. I think this is one of those 'Hannah' (mother of Samuel from the Old Testament) moments that our Sunday School teacher was talking about. She's right... I mean, right now, I just need to get on my knees and pray. Give it all up to God...

Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella"

:'( <3 ^link to the song in the YT thing. credits to the person who made the vid. I don't own the song.

Such a sweet, tearjerking, sentimental song. About a father and his little 'Cinderella'. It is so sweet...

For a 13-year-old, I consider myself to be pretty sentimental, and really, really sappy. I'm not hard either. I'm not assertive, most of the time, and I'm mature in certain instances. Right now, this is just a really sentimental moment. I love my daddy... I don't know how people deal with losing someone like that, someone so close to them. Lately the house seems like it's been filled with some sort of... dryness. And I've always been scared of losing people close to me... and I've been scared about that a lot... I've never had anything come close, and I pray to God every night... always about my family, and my friends... but my family is so important to me. I wouldn't be here without God, of course, but I wouldn't be here without my parents. And my brother, oh my goodness, even if he's so strange (like me) and annoying sometimes (like me), I love him. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without them all. It's so hard for them when they have a lazy 13-year-old who spends her life on the internet most of the time...

I love my family.... I've gotta let them have some Cinderella moments more often.

A blog late at night (Online witnessing, guilt-outbursts; sort of a vent, sort of not)

Well, I was talking to some of my online friends. I feel horrible for most of them. You know, Ella's right. I guess... I constantly end up with people who are troubled. I know I can do something about this... I know I have constant chances to witness to people, especially online. It's such a negative place, and it's so easy to get sucked into something destructive or wrong on the internet, and yet, God's still here and watching. And many people online need to hear His message! And it's even harder almost to witness to people here... no, actually, there's no excuse for me not to. I mean, God's love is so important. And I'm so afraid to tell people about it?! How could I do that?! I need to pray... I'm one of those people who doesn't always stop and 'Be still and know that I am God". When I talk to people about my 'issues', mainly the ones involving trying to bring people to Christ, or putting them in the right direction, you know, I always get reminded of that verse. I need to remember it... all the time... but I don't. And I'm very contradicting sometimes, online and otherwise. Some people wouldn't even know I was a Christian if I didn't tell them. And I'm ashamed to admit, but perhaps even more so than not, people don't realize that. But I do let God in... it's just, online, I'm... I guess I'm more contradicting here than in real life. It's just SO EASY to get carried away. I'm so into the jokes, and everything, all that bad humor, like crude stuff, you know? It's not so bad to most people, but I know better. I know better... *sigh* I thank God for his mercy and his love and for him all the time. Lord, please let me honor you... please forgive me.. amen.

Not exactly a first story chapter... NOTE: About storyness stuffs.

NOTE: I've decided I'm just going to keep using these pseudonyms for my friends and write in a story format occasionally.



I'll tell you about other coding later on.



---------



Random 'chapter' (story-style blog)



Kim sat alone in the office room, surrounding by all things familiar, listening to a quiet, silently depressing Blue October song, letting the minor-keyed accoustic guitar melodies fill the room, paired with some of the band's typical heavy lyrics, in the dim light from the sky outside, eminating through the open window, occasionally glancing outside to see the typical sights of normality, the giant pine tree sticking straight up, the teenage boys in the neighbor's yard, probably tossing something around. Everything was familiar.



Sometimes Kim believed that she based all she was after familiarity. She nearly cried over her bedroom getting rearranged just a couple months ago... she felt absolutely pathetic about it. She felt tempted to go check out that 'Adjustment Disorder' article on Wikipedia again... She sighed, and wondered. Wondered about... everything in her personal life, selfishly. She wished she wasn't listening to this depressing song... three bands she knew were rarely happy:



Evanescence

Blue October

Linkin Park



Like in their mist of constant angst/depression/morbid/occasional obsession with vampires or demons... there was just a teensy, tiny, burst of happiness. Well... it would take her a while to find one for Linkin Park... What I've Done wasn't particularly 'depressing'... more like... kind of forgiving yourself and letting go of "what i've doooooooooooooooone!"



She sighed, and stopped thinking about that, switching the song to The Fray's "Hundred". She loved this song... she'd loved The Fray even more, ever since one of her best friends, Rose, had given her the CD at her 13th birthday. Everything seemed so great back then... even with the bad shrimp sushi... but food poisoning passes quickly once it is 'released'. Overlooking that fact, it was one of the greatest parties she'd ever had. It was at a hotel, and all of her friends overlooked any differences and came together to be just... awesome together. She had friends come from at least four different schools... it was so much fun.



It was so carefree, and there was so much to say and do, the pool, the girls just hanging out. She loved being surrounded by friends... and this was back before anyone knew if any one of them was leaving.



Her best friend Rose was moving all the way down to Florida... her pale, vampire-loving friend, with the most brilliant of 13 year old minds that any human being could ever come across. She had her faith, she had her... erm, moments of not-so-greatly-moralistic-humor... but she was one of the greatest friends she'd ever had.



She didn't like using past tense. She intended to KEEP her as one of the greatest friends she'd ever had... that would absolutely never change in her heart.



One of the countless things in her life that was changing. Her mind wasn't used to it. She knew she had God on her side... she knew she shouldn't be taking advantage of his mercy just by saying 'I'm human and I make mistakes' everytime she did something wrong. She prayed for mercy everyday. She just wasn't as close to her Lord as she should be...



Fortunately, she wasn't at that point where one might blame God for everything "wrong" in her life. She knew better than that. But there were so many things changing...



Selfish things, like her appearance, her stomach and legs getting larger, her 'development', her face's inconsistent clarity... and her diet getting to be incorrect for her current point and time and lack of excercise. Her selfish, incosistent desire to want to do something... morbid, almost, her near wish, out of her bitterness toward her outer appearance to want to develop eating disorders that made her lose weight rather than gain it. Only at times did she ever wish this. With much self-analysis, she knew she had a problem. She wasn't far enough gone not to realize that. At an approximately inconsistent 99 pounds almost EVERY TIME she checked her weight at about 4'11", she felt rather uncomfortable about her appearance. She was sure she'd gained something by now... she hadn't been to anyone's house with a functioning scale in a while...



The appearance was another temporary thing, just like life on Earth...



Another temporary thing. Well, at least it was supposed to be short and petty... middle school 'relationships'. They were something she'd always wanted... dreamed about and watched in movies, even when she'd forced herself not to have a crush or attraction to guys (without even the AWARENESS of the fact that people could be homosexual, mind you... innocent little evil mind here... ) until she reluctantly accepted the fact that she actually had a real crush in fifth grade.



Her first 'real' boyfriend who broke up with her... it didn't do much to her, it was just... a shock. Sort of. She wasn't expecting it... she was quite blindsided by this... she was just about to let her shell come down and show him who she really was. And then he said he wanted a break... take it as permanent, he'd said. Even though he wasn't sure... she knew he wasn't sure. She still wanted to be friends... she still had her friends stalk Mark everyday at their school as much as possible... but that was about it. He'd been too stressed out about everything that he'd nearly never tell Kim about.



And she missed him too...



Her regrets. Her well-awareness of her mistakes and wrongdoings, at least select ones that she chose to think over and over about that caused her painful guilt that would occasionally make her depressed. Occasionally. It had been a while, however.



Another thing to add to the list.



Treating yet ANOTHER person she was supposed to care about, other than her family (which was an entirely different subject with regretting wrongdoings) like crap. Someone so close to her... her real almost-boyfriend guy-friend, Jared. She'd said she'd loved him a couple times. On the internet. As always. Just like he did to her. He was so sweet...then she'd started acting like the annoying, strange, 11 year old kid she was in fifth grade. The weird stalker girl who was obsessed with the guy she'd never be able to be with... she became really, really aggravating. It caused her to have memories of the time in fifth and fourth grade she'd been made fun of... she hated that. She hated acting that way, and still blamed herself sometimes. She hated when other kids made fun of other ones. Especially when it drove them to do destructive things... it was nearly hypocritical.



He'd told her he didn't like her, and she started arguing. Maybe it was just over for them officially... she remembered the time that they'd chased each other around the library, the times he'd enter and cover her eyes, daring her to guess who it was, even though she'd always know, the little bear that she'd given him, even though it had probably been from one of those toy machines... she still had it.



She remembered awkwardly sitting on the Ferris Wheel together in their town's summer carnival... she remembered their intense online conversations about miserable things, trying to make him feel better, him being there when she was at her worst. Times when she'd been cruel to him. Times when she knew she'd hurt him badly. Times that she wouldn't admit that he'd hurt her.



She remembered the day when he'd walked up to her after admitting that she'd liked him on the swingset, about 7 days before school would get out of the sixth grade... just to get his friends to stop teasing her cruelly. She told herself, honestly, as she'd jumped off her swing and sped to the other side of the playground, at inhumane speed, in the kiddie area, and sat on the little kid car-bounce-horse-spring-thing, she thought to herself "If he comes, then I'll... go out with him, or whatever... But if he doesn't come for me... then I know... he doesn't like me back, and... yeah..." She was almost miserable, contemplating his reaction. But after some false hope from random girls running over to her without true concern expressed... he came. He came, and she wouldn't forget it. He called his friends assholes. And she couldn't say she disagreed at that time. The strangest of words, even the worst of them, even though they felt good... always remembered.



And still so many regrets...



So many changes. But not all of them were bad... even some of the bad ones could turn into good things. God takes ashes and turns them to beauty. She knew that there was a light guiding her through this all... she just had to let it in.

Now on a lighter note...Ella's blog, and more char.s!

MUFFINS.

2 things.

My dearest friend, miss Ella-chan... now has a blog.
http://mymindisagraveyard-deadthingsareinit.blogspot.com/


http://katara5.blogspot.com/
^Internet friend, Lizzie/Elle

One other thing:

More characters! <3

Tasha- Kim's close friend who lives on the east coast and one she's never met physically... well you know, the internet's a pretty amazering place. She's moved around a lot, she's Kim's RPing partner online on the roleplay they're obsessed with writing. She's an awesome writer, and an awesome artist, and loves anime/manga.

Brooke- Kim's friend since 3rd grade. Goes to her school, and is in three of her core classes in the morning now. She has a boyfriend currently, his name being Darren.

Kyley, Bella, Alana, Merri, Terra, Mindy, Corrie- A group of girls that Kim had wanted to hang out with for years, and finally accomplishes in her seventh grade year. They've always had similar interests and she's always longed to hang out with these people for their personalities and overall funtasticalness. Kim enjoys hanging out and talking to them all.

Allen- Kyley's boyfriend. Most of her friends don't know why she goes out with him, but they've been together a pretty long time for their age... and for a lot of other people's ages.

Arisa (Let's call her... Reese.)- Another one of Kim's awesome new friends from Rose's school. She rox sox. She's rather tomboyish on the outside, and is close friends with Ella, Kris, and Jones. ( she es Miss Awesomeness on Ella's blog)

Jones- Jones is the one other dude from Rose, Kris, Mark, Ella, and Reese's school that Kim recently made acquaintance to at a certain Target Starbucks on a certain Friday while drinking some certain Frappichinos and loudly socializing with a wide variety of somewhat innappropriate inside jokes... He is funny, loves bands like Cake, and Weezer, and has a surprising knowledge of he politcal candidates in the '08 run. (J.R. on Ella's blog)

David- Kim's younger brother. He's 10 and "knows" too much for his age... hmm, I wonder who's fault that is... ^^'

And that's about it for today in characters.

UGGHHHHH. None of my RP friends are on and I es booooooooooooooored. *headdesk* Well, <3 all you people!

Don't forget God loves you no matter what happens in your life! THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF ALL TUNNELS.

Another random blog about depresseringness of today..VENTING; DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU KNOW ME

Kim is undecided about her story stuffs. So yah. Kim has decided to talk in third person and act like an MPD persons.

Kim must excercise soon.

Kim's (overlapping with all coding here most likely...) Charlie (dad) is apparently having some issues right now and Kim is not extremely happy either. Because most pplz she knows aren't that joyful either. And... she needs to get exercising so she won't get like, really, extremely fatness... cuz she's scared of that kind of thing. She was actually formerly afraid of getting a deadly disease or a mental illness... but now, she's more wishing she was anorexic rather than whatever she is.

She's not REALLY overweight right now... she just knows she's on that path, and she's scared she knows it's perhaps beginning to show...

Ella is now cheering her up a little bit over the phone by speaking too her. However, she's not expressing her issues right now... cuz... yah.

My Best online description of myself+ random stuffs about last night

http://zutaragirl234567.deviantart.com/journal/15551890/

^Yuppzerz.

"For those who don't really know me... Journal Entry: Sat Nov 17, 2007, 6:53 PM

Mood: Content
Listening to: Oh Gravity~ Switchfoot
Reading: Nothing at the current moment
Watching: Teh tired smileh... zzzzzz...
Playing: Nothin'
Eating: Nothing at the current moment
Drinking: The air

Hello. I am Aly, ConfusedShipper123, from the wonderful online Avatar fandom community, AvatarSpirit.Net. I am... ummm... short, XD, nearly five feet tall, with brown eyes, olive-ish skin, and dark brown, shoulder length hair. I come from a family of four, a younger brother, a mom and a dad, who manage me pretty well. I enjoy writing, watching certain animes, listening to music (typically music with meaningful *or not* lyrics...), drawing anime on paper, on Paint, at times, when it's NOT being evil, doing church youth group activities, singing, talking to my friends, (online and off, known physically and not), reading fanfiction, various realistic YA novels, and several fantasy/sci-fis, and especially, romance. I write things about real life, some dramas and tragedies, some comedy sprinkled here and there, and slight bits of fantasy, along with random things to express myself, and fanfictions.

I am empathetic, and often take on everyone else's problems, contemplating them, crying over them, talking about them, and trying to help the people who are in th situations that they are. I want to change the world, though I know how hard that is... I am a Christian, and proud of it. I want the world to hear His message, even if it is difficult to understand or believe at times.

I try to keep myself positive, and try not to let things get to me, and I know how difficult that can be. I want to know about how people think, and why they do the things they do. I want to see inside the minds of the people I know, or even don't know. I am constantly wondering about the thoughts of others, and the emotions that influence them at times.

My friends and I communicate quite a bit, and they are the people I communicate the best to at most times. We talk about everything. They're all amazing people... *hugz friends* Luff ya! We're all very unique people, with different ideas, different opinions, and a lot of the time, similar perspectives. Or not. *shrug* We're all very close, no matter what...

In the Future: I want to write. AND WRITE AND WRITE. I am determined to get SOMETHING of mine published. I want to influence people in a positive way. I've wanted to try out for American Idol since the show came out when I was probably in about 2nd grade er so, heheh... I'm not sure what will happen there, if it influences my life in a big way. I've got to confirm it's my 'calling', XD I also want to study pyschology, or something of the like...

Currently: I am thinking of a sci-fi type story that involves a corrupt 'government', and an evil man who wishes to take over the world, and his son, who does not in any way want to participate in the evil, cruel ways of his father, whom has put them upon him, and a girl who's mother was hypnotized by one of the people working for the evil man, and wishes to take her back. At this time, the population of the world is dropping rapidly, and some believe the erasing of one's birth is to blame. The world is being fooled by the 'government' and its leader, the evil man, who is hypnotizing people, taking those he would 'need' to complete his 'goal'... His son, however, has experienced several traumas from this man, and does not desire to follow his ideas, and decides to go back in time, to both erase his birth... and save his mother from a future she did not have to have. At the very same time, however, the girl, strongly believing that every human in that family, who caused her mother's mind to be in the hands of someone so evil, leaves to rescue her mom. Fate steps in, and the interference from two time machines, leaves them in an entirely different time... over one hundred years ago. 2007. The two main characters, are forced to change their life... and learn things about each other, themselves, and the place they live in, that they didn't know before.*I know it has some holes, this is just a teensy little description I have right now... i might post when I have it written*

Books that I REMEMBER reading in the year of 2007 (finished; in no particular order)
Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse ('The Twilight Series' by Stephenie Meyer
Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer
Firegirl by Tony Abbott
The Glass Menegerie by Tennessee Williams
Things Not Seen by Andrew Clements
Bridge to Terebithia by Katherine Patterson
A Corner of the Universe by Ann M. Martin
Cut by Patricia McCormick
The Afterlife by Gary Soto
The Supernaturalist by Eoin Colfer

Books that I am Currently Reading/Will return to eventually: Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson*, Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, The Disappearing Girl: Learning the Language of Teenage Depression by Lisa Machoian*am reading officially; no star means book is 'dormant' in my head at the momentAnd that's all me for ya... I hope you know me bettar. ^^
Yours Truly,

Aly"

Mind you, I wrote that in November. *sigh* Now, I'm not quite as confident. I slip and fall and all that. It's one of those days where I really wanna go and excercise and make myself feel better, however... I'm not. One of those days where I'm being really dumb and sitting on the computer all day, rather than being productive in other more productive ways....

Anyway, last night was amazing.

*remembercodenames; it's not just for the story, their names are now officially in code... we have way too many codenames, but... yah.*

Kris, Ella, 'Arisa', and I went to Target, which has a Starbucks in it, and is AMAZING, got coffee and met up with their friend... erm... 'J.R.'. And I met him! He's funny, he's smart, he has good taste in music. It was awesomely rockin'sauce. Best part: Running through Target while Frap-high, singing MCR songs with Kris and Ella and peoplez. It was amazering... <3333 I hope I get to do that again soon. *sigh* We were sitting in the corner table by the window in Starbucks, while people were coming in and out, and we were all laughing and talking and I was taking pictures... oh it was so fun. XDDDD Best two hours of my life. Well... of that week anyway. XDDD

I need to do something for my mommy. Cuz it is Mother's Day tommorrow and I am unprepared. D: