I really hope you didn't see the almost-post before this. I deleted it. Too much. Right now, I'd like to give thanks to God, and the great best friend He's blessed me with, Leah. She really knows how to listen and be there for me, praying, talking, laughing, listening, joking around--everything. And she's really awesome in general.
And all of you guys are awesome.
Well, I think Nattie and I have some news (I hope you don't mind me putting this in my blog):
We are "going out". ^^' <3
It's really great, and we really like each other, and, as we all know, Nathaniel is amazing. o.o
<333
Last night was the National Day of Prayer. I attended the meeting at one of our churches in a nearby city, and I prayed for an event called Carefest.
(http://www.rochestercarefest.org/)
I've worked at Carefest with my family the past 3 years, and it has been quite the experience. I love it. I really do. We help people with their homes, and various organizations around the city, including schools, churches, homeless shelters, other shelters, etc. It's really great.
Basically, we do service projects of various types, based on the home or organization's needs. Like painting, or staining wood, or building sheds, or cleaning lockers, or organizing things. Things like that, and more tedious work, like replacing appliances, or rebuilding things. Lots of stuff.
It's really, really fun, and it really touches lives out in that town.
It's a great event. :)
And I was honored to pray for it.
Once again, I had some, I guess I could call it, "leader anxiety". Because a ton of adults at church think of me as a leader, meager little me, as a leader, someone to lead the other youth and impact people in big ways. Maybe they get me mixed up with my dad. xP
But, yeah, my dad and I are very similar when it comes to things at church and stuff.
People in his age group (adults, any age, actually) know him. He practically knows the entirety of that town.
And I know a whole bunch of the little kids at church, and some youth group kids.
The youth leaders think that I'm a good influence, that I am really growing in my faith.
I guess I have a fear of flaw-discovery when it comes to other people. They don't really know me. They don't see me in school, when I back up and don't say anything about God when I have the perfect interval. When I'm violent, or when I'm angry, or when I'm sad, or when I'm doubting.
Am I faking my faith when I'm at youth group or youth trips? I don't think so... but they never see the other side of me.
It really was an honor to step up there and pray. And it really makes me feel good to be valued by adults and leaders. It makes me happy when my parents say they're proud of me, especially for my faith.
No one's directly pressuring me to be anything, to do anything. It's just... what if I screwed up in front of them?
Sometimes that really inspires me to keep growing in my faith, to be stronger, so I'll always be a good "leader", or so they think. But sometimes I doubt if that's where I want to be.
I want to help people. But would it be okay if I were just behind the scenes, like my mom? The pillar of prayer?
But I'm all for the communication directly to people, like my dad.
It's all for God's glory, and if I'm gonna be out there, if He calls me to be there, I will be.
Bu sometimes I worry. Really hard, about what I'm doing. I don't think any of the kids even really think me a leader; just the adults. I'm okay with that, but I do worry.
They don't know me like my friends do. My parents don't know me like that.
Sometimes I have that little rebellious instinct, just to go and do something stupid just so they'll stop thinking I'm so good. But that wouldn't be right either.
I guess it's something I'll just have to let go of, bring in to God, let Him handle it. I've gotta live like Jesus, and Peggy. She was not all up front, but she touched lives through friendship and kindness. But that's just how God used her for the good of His children. Wherever He wants me to be, I'll go.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0ihxvCyrWM)
Friday, May 8, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
I Want to Live Like Peg. (You don't have to comment; please do read)
1 For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
~2 Corinthians 1-8
^Peg chose to have this verse read at the funeral.
Today, I went to a funeral. And I'm not even really sad, though I am. I need to grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice. And we had to do a little of both at the celebration of this woman's life today. Her name was Peg, or Peggy, and she was the wife of the Children's Pastor at my church.
She touched so many lives. Her husband says that she was a true imitator of Christ. He said that she taught him the most important part of life was relationships. And that she had a relationship with God so loving that the love spilled out to those lives she touched.
She wasn't an incredible singer, or a strong leader. She was a friend. She had so many friends, she touched so many lives, impacted them, changed them, even lead some to Christ. She loved them the way He loved us.
She believed that 100 years from now it wouldn't matter what kind of cars people drove, or what kind of houses they had, but the differences they made in the lives of others.
I may have mentioned her way earlier in my blog, when she shared some of her testimony to us students at the "after-party" of See You at the Pole.
Peggy was diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago. Three years later, the doctors said she had six months left to live.
She lived 8 years after. She had cancer all over, but no one would know that just by looking at her. She was an amazing woman, with an amazing legacy. Her legacy being that she was a friend, someone who exemplified God's love with her entire being. She said that God let her have cancer because He loved her very much. A good friend of hers who had been battling cancer when she was diagnosed said that she hoped that her cancer would make her as blessed as she was. Blessed with it.
When they were told she had had six months left to live, her and her husband decided not to focus on healing, but giving God the glory. She lived very long and fully. She was incredible. She had simple wisdom and kindness that touched lives.
She wouldt tell this story from one of her favorite books of a man who was being chased by a group of tigers. In order to escape, he went to an end of a cliff with a vine upon it. He climbed down on it, too late before realizing that the vine only reached halfway down, with jagged rocks below. But then the man saw these strawberries growing within reach. He picked one and ate it, finding it to be one of the most wonderful strawberries he had ever tasted.
She didn't focus on the tigers of her past or the rocks of her future, but the strawberries, the blessings of her current day.
She arranged most of her funeral herself, picked out songs and speakers. And this passage from a book, Brennan Manning's "Wisdom Tenderness", was something written by another woman dying, given to her friend, who was Brennan. It was about how one should not cry for her, but for themselves, to cheer and make a joyful noise because she was home with the Lord.
And that was incredible. Man, she was an amazing woman. I didn't really know her very well, but just reading the compliation of writings from people whose lives she touched, and thinking of how her sharing even touched my own life the way it did... man, she was amazing. She still IS amazing. She's home now, and she has no pain, no sorrow, and pure joy. She seemed so content, even in her difficulties.
When her husband spoke in front of the loved ones who attended the service, he said the things that he wanted us to know about her, and what SHE wanted us to know. Including what honored the most--people coming to know her Lord and Savior. She really brought people to Christ. And that is what she called for. And that is what God used her for--to show His love, to lead others to Him, in a gentle, subtle, friendly, sharing way. That's what people said about her in the booklet. That she never preached or lectured, she was so simply wise, and that she spoke to others sharing God, and loved so much.
She was an incredible woman.
Her husband brought up the question "why". Why did she have to go, if she had done so much, with all that was left? Because, perhaps, God wanted to bring in more Peggy's. That we need more people like her. We can't be like her without having that intimate relationship that she had with God.
I want to be like that. I want to be like her, I want to love God, and love people. Love God so much that the love just flows over. And I want to be gentle like her. And I want to live a legacy, one that impacts the people the way she did. I am not Peg, nor will I ever be, but I want to give myself to God so that He can be glorified through me, the way she did. I want touch lives through Him.
I don't know about you guys. God did give a choice. He knew from the beginning that Adam and Eve would make the choice to sin. But He loved us enough not to leave us completely seperated from Him; that's why He gave His Son, that's why He died on the cross for our sins. For our screw-ups. And that's why people like Peg can exist, can touch lives the way they do. Love people the way they do. Because they have Jesus' love in them.
I want to live like that. I'm aiming for that. I'm giving myself over to God. As completely as I can. I won't be perfect; I can't be. But I will live for Him and for others. That is what I must do. I'll let everyone make their choice, but I pray that I can live like her--show God's love through my relationships, in them. To all, just like Jesus, and how his disciple Peg did.
6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
~2 Corinthians 1-8
^Peg chose to have this verse read at the funeral.
Today, I went to a funeral. And I'm not even really sad, though I am. I need to grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice. And we had to do a little of both at the celebration of this woman's life today. Her name was Peg, or Peggy, and she was the wife of the Children's Pastor at my church.
She touched so many lives. Her husband says that she was a true imitator of Christ. He said that she taught him the most important part of life was relationships. And that she had a relationship with God so loving that the love spilled out to those lives she touched.
She wasn't an incredible singer, or a strong leader. She was a friend. She had so many friends, she touched so many lives, impacted them, changed them, even lead some to Christ. She loved them the way He loved us.
She believed that 100 years from now it wouldn't matter what kind of cars people drove, or what kind of houses they had, but the differences they made in the lives of others.
I may have mentioned her way earlier in my blog, when she shared some of her testimony to us students at the "after-party" of See You at the Pole.
Peggy was diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago. Three years later, the doctors said she had six months left to live.
She lived 8 years after. She had cancer all over, but no one would know that just by looking at her. She was an amazing woman, with an amazing legacy. Her legacy being that she was a friend, someone who exemplified God's love with her entire being. She said that God let her have cancer because He loved her very much. A good friend of hers who had been battling cancer when she was diagnosed said that she hoped that her cancer would make her as blessed as she was. Blessed with it.
When they were told she had had six months left to live, her and her husband decided not to focus on healing, but giving God the glory. She lived very long and fully. She was incredible. She had simple wisdom and kindness that touched lives.
She wouldt tell this story from one of her favorite books of a man who was being chased by a group of tigers. In order to escape, he went to an end of a cliff with a vine upon it. He climbed down on it, too late before realizing that the vine only reached halfway down, with jagged rocks below. But then the man saw these strawberries growing within reach. He picked one and ate it, finding it to be one of the most wonderful strawberries he had ever tasted.
She didn't focus on the tigers of her past or the rocks of her future, but the strawberries, the blessings of her current day.
She arranged most of her funeral herself, picked out songs and speakers. And this passage from a book, Brennan Manning's "Wisdom Tenderness", was something written by another woman dying, given to her friend, who was Brennan. It was about how one should not cry for her, but for themselves, to cheer and make a joyful noise because she was home with the Lord.
And that was incredible. Man, she was an amazing woman. I didn't really know her very well, but just reading the compliation of writings from people whose lives she touched, and thinking of how her sharing even touched my own life the way it did... man, she was amazing. She still IS amazing. She's home now, and she has no pain, no sorrow, and pure joy. She seemed so content, even in her difficulties.
When her husband spoke in front of the loved ones who attended the service, he said the things that he wanted us to know about her, and what SHE wanted us to know. Including what honored the most--people coming to know her Lord and Savior. She really brought people to Christ. And that is what she called for. And that is what God used her for--to show His love, to lead others to Him, in a gentle, subtle, friendly, sharing way. That's what people said about her in the booklet. That she never preached or lectured, she was so simply wise, and that she spoke to others sharing God, and loved so much.
She was an incredible woman.
Her husband brought up the question "why". Why did she have to go, if she had done so much, with all that was left? Because, perhaps, God wanted to bring in more Peggy's. That we need more people like her. We can't be like her without having that intimate relationship that she had with God.
I want to be like that. I want to be like her, I want to love God, and love people. Love God so much that the love just flows over. And I want to be gentle like her. And I want to live a legacy, one that impacts the people the way she did. I am not Peg, nor will I ever be, but I want to give myself to God so that He can be glorified through me, the way she did. I want touch lives through Him.
I don't know about you guys. God did give a choice. He knew from the beginning that Adam and Eve would make the choice to sin. But He loved us enough not to leave us completely seperated from Him; that's why He gave His Son, that's why He died on the cross for our sins. For our screw-ups. And that's why people like Peg can exist, can touch lives the way they do. Love people the way they do. Because they have Jesus' love in them.
I want to live like that. I'm aiming for that. I'm giving myself over to God. As completely as I can. I won't be perfect; I can't be. But I will live for Him and for others. That is what I must do. I'll let everyone make their choice, but I pray that I can live like her--show God's love through my relationships, in them. To all, just like Jesus, and how his disciple Peg did.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Me and My Flaws and Jared and My Brother and God and life and math tests
Let me start with Districts, the Christian conference I went to in Duluth this weekend. It was really, really awesome. I did learn a lot. I've gotta learn how to defend my faith better though. And... just learn how to be more consistent in my actions and what God wants me to do and who He wants me to be. I need to be more patient, less critical, less... erm, sometimes crudely humored. That's just an inconsistency thing. The whole James chapter 3 thing, taming the tongue and all that... important stuff.
Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...
I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.
Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.
Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )
Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.
My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*
I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.
Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.
Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.
I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.
My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.
I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.
Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.
But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.
I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.
And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.
So there's my first thing to improve:
LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)
and
LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO
And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.
There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.
But only in the segment that ran through the town.
Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...
Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:
-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.
My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.
And my dad came home safe and sound that night.
I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.
I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)
*huggles everyone*
Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...
I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.
Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.
Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )
Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.
My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*
I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.
Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.
Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.
I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.
My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.
I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.
Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.
But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.
I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.
And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.
So there's my first thing to improve:
LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)
and
LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO
And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.
There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.
But only in the segment that ran through the town.
Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...
Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:
-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.
My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.
And my dad came home safe and sound that night.
I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.
I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)
*huggles everyone*
Monday, April 20, 2009
THIRD! Sorry about that. Intro/Prologue-like-item to my story.
Author's Note:Inspired by Leah, I will put up this preface. The story itself may suck, but I kind of like my preface. I might try to summarize it later. It would be nice if someone who is more adult than me can tell me what it's like to be an adult.
“Change”
It’s amazing how much life can change in however many years we’ve been existent. There are a lot of things associated with that. At 20-some odd years, people will still call you young, yet you have lived through over two decades, and so many things can change in those over two decades. I mean, so many things can change in just one year. Or even a month.
A week.
A day. An hour.
A minute.
A second.
Lots of things happen that change us. Although it may be our choice to how we react to those changes, things will happen that will ultimately change us.
For better, or for worse.
People might hurt us; that may make us feel confused or angry or depressed. People might compliment us and bring up our confidence. Or, people will tell us something, and that might get us thinking, that might get us doubting, or assist us in finding something that we might have been looking for. Or make us face something we’d been fighting, or running from.
Changes can’t just be based on circumstances we can’t help. Changes can be from our own choices. How we react to circumstances beyond our control, changes us. What we choose, impacts our lives. Whether big or small, it just may change our life.
Whether a change will be good or bad is based on our own choices. Right or wrong, good or bad, internal or external.
AN: What do you guys think? Just let me know. It's super vague, but here's the story:
There's Ben Errickson, resident dreamer and optimist, Christian, and Marriage Counselor intern, with high hopes for the future and the future of his career. He'd gone through a lot, with his parents' divorce, and his sister's former teenage pregnancy. Now grown up, at around 26, his sister having such a ridiculous success in life with child and husband, as well as his parents' successful remarriages, and really hoping with God in his heart and thoughts, he wants to make things happen for other couples. He wants to work in the field to heal couples, but is well aware of how relationships can fail, and has learned to accept it, as difficult as it is. He is far in his progress from adolescence and those days. And has a strange attraction toward a girl in the workplace, that interests him out of the mystery of her problems and outwardly coarse attitude.
Erin is harder to explain. I still haven't figured her out entirely.
Erin Martensen has a counseling job that has something to do with girls who put themselves in compromising or dangerous situations or used to be in them. Though the job is serious, and the girls are sensitive, she is constantly, loudly, encouraging them to just live for themselves and do what they think is right and get out of whatever bad situation they're in. And not to mention, blames the guys entirely who often give them the problems in her perspective. She almost seems out to get the entire male population at times. She is not at all conventional with this, and is sometimes too loud to listen. She believes that no one should have control over anyone else. She comes on too strong, and acts like she's strong, and seems to not "take crap". And she doesn't let too many people in. But no one at the Center they work at really knows her that well. At one point, she was just like the girls in the groups she watches over, but after feeling guilt and pain and fear, she built up a shell of sarcasm and control and bitterness that she doesn't like to admit she has. And underneath it, she blames the person from her past, and curses herself for never standing up, making it her goal to make sure as many people as possible never have to reach that position again. Ben annoys the crud out of her, but only over time will she soften and open up again, through him at first.
Too cheesy/cliche/unrealistic/stupid/weird/sexist (ha)/dumb/strange/etc.? Let me know. Really. I want as much critque as possible on this because I want to be accurate. Or at least to a point. I know it's my story, but I've gotta write for readers, not just myself.
“Change”
It’s amazing how much life can change in however many years we’ve been existent. There are a lot of things associated with that. At 20-some odd years, people will still call you young, yet you have lived through over two decades, and so many things can change in those over two decades. I mean, so many things can change in just one year. Or even a month.
A week.
A day. An hour.
A minute.
A second.
Lots of things happen that change us. Although it may be our choice to how we react to those changes, things will happen that will ultimately change us.
For better, or for worse.
People might hurt us; that may make us feel confused or angry or depressed. People might compliment us and bring up our confidence. Or, people will tell us something, and that might get us thinking, that might get us doubting, or assist us in finding something that we might have been looking for. Or make us face something we’d been fighting, or running from.
Changes can’t just be based on circumstances we can’t help. Changes can be from our own choices. How we react to circumstances beyond our control, changes us. What we choose, impacts our lives. Whether big or small, it just may change our life.
Whether a change will be good or bad is based on our own choices. Right or wrong, good or bad, internal or external.
AN: What do you guys think? Just let me know. It's super vague, but here's the story:
There's Ben Errickson, resident dreamer and optimist, Christian, and Marriage Counselor intern, with high hopes for the future and the future of his career. He'd gone through a lot, with his parents' divorce, and his sister's former teenage pregnancy. Now grown up, at around 26, his sister having such a ridiculous success in life with child and husband, as well as his parents' successful remarriages, and really hoping with God in his heart and thoughts, he wants to make things happen for other couples. He wants to work in the field to heal couples, but is well aware of how relationships can fail, and has learned to accept it, as difficult as it is. He is far in his progress from adolescence and those days. And has a strange attraction toward a girl in the workplace, that interests him out of the mystery of her problems and outwardly coarse attitude.
Erin is harder to explain. I still haven't figured her out entirely.
Erin Martensen has a counseling job that has something to do with girls who put themselves in compromising or dangerous situations or used to be in them. Though the job is serious, and the girls are sensitive, she is constantly, loudly, encouraging them to just live for themselves and do what they think is right and get out of whatever bad situation they're in. And not to mention, blames the guys entirely who often give them the problems in her perspective. She almost seems out to get the entire male population at times. She is not at all conventional with this, and is sometimes too loud to listen. She believes that no one should have control over anyone else. She comes on too strong, and acts like she's strong, and seems to not "take crap". And she doesn't let too many people in. But no one at the Center they work at really knows her that well. At one point, she was just like the girls in the groups she watches over, but after feeling guilt and pain and fear, she built up a shell of sarcasm and control and bitterness that she doesn't like to admit she has. And underneath it, she blames the person from her past, and curses herself for never standing up, making it her goal to make sure as many people as possible never have to reach that position again. Ben annoys the crud out of her, but only over time will she soften and open up again, through him at first.
Too cheesy/cliche/unrealistic/stupid/weird/sexist (ha)/dumb/strange/etc.? Let me know. Really. I want as much critque as possible on this because I want to be accurate. Or at least to a point. I know it's my story, but I've gotta write for readers, not just myself.
Two posts in a row. I'm on a roll today! (Odd poetry and stuff)
Sorry for the lack of creativity in the titles. I will now write some random poetry.
Tell Me
I hate
Taking criticism
Sometimes
There's pride
I can't let go
Of what I wrote or thought or said
And become defensive or offended.
But I know I shouldn't.
I know when I should take it and the difference between constructive
And destructive
Criticism or insult.
But either way, please tell me
What you think.
Give me your opinion.
Or quote some scripture for me.
Insult me.
Make fun of me.
Just tell me.
I want to know.
I just want to know
What you think.
Maybe it shouldn't matter
It shouldn't affect me.
But the good things that affect me,
Will make me a more well-rounded person.
Make me listen better.
Humble me.
Even the bad
Will make me stronger in the end.
Just tell me everything you think.
Untitled
When I look at you,
I think of all the emotions
I felt for you
Why do I mess up things like this?
I just don't understand myself
But it doesn't matter anymore
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're doing good, I'm happy.
If you're covering up what's really inside, I understand.
Sometimes I don't want to believe this is really your personality.
But who am I to judge?
And if I truly cared for you, what would I do for you?
More notes would make you think I was strange, not that you already don't.
I'll try to understand you.
I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
I have a strane personality; I'm hard to understand, even to myself.
But I hope we can be friends.
We were at one point, and now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever think of me?
Or do you avoid me in your thoughts, just so you're avoiding me?
Will we ever get closer?
Should I even care?
It's for God I need to change.
It's for you I want to be softened.
And tougher at the same time.
You will never understand what I thought of you this year.
But it doesn't even matter.
I want to lead well, I want to be good.
I want to inspire, but God has to work through me, not on my own.
Follow Him, dear brother in Christ
I'll try not to be inconsistent anymore.
I have no right to criticize, I have no right to point out your flaws.
Especially when I need to focus yet on mine.
Keep on going with life, but fight the forces that lead you off the right path.
For your own good.
Live knowing He is there.
And that if you ever need another friend, I will jump at the chance.
Always There
I thank the Lord for you
Every single day
He is a wonderful God, and you are the ones He gave me to keep me in check.
You are the one I talk to when others bring me down
You are the one who give me encouragement on the times I need it
You could write an entire book about me, as I could for you.
You and I know each other far too well
You are always there for me
I hope I'm always there for you.
If I've ever failed you, which I'm sure I have, I'm sorry.
You put up with my demandingness, my bipolar self-esteem
You put up with me every single night.
You know how to listen, and when to talk and when not to.
You are just too amazing.
God, thanks for blessing me with such a great friend.
To All my Friends
All of you
Always listening
Always talking
On my nerves, or on my heart, on my mind
All the time.
I love you all.
I care for you in different ways
And never want to see you hurt
Though I have.
Many of you.
Dearest friends.
You are always in my prayers,
In my thoughts.
You never leave my mind.
Even when I feel I've failed you, you prove me wrong.
And when I actually do, you're always so loving
So forgiving.
I thank God for you too, my friends.
I'll never leave your side
He'll never leave your side.
You're in my life for a reason.
And I thank God for your presences
For your kindness and your openness and love.
Tell Me
I hate
Taking criticism
Sometimes
There's pride
I can't let go
Of what I wrote or thought or said
And become defensive or offended.
But I know I shouldn't.
I know when I should take it and the difference between constructive
And destructive
Criticism or insult.
But either way, please tell me
What you think.
Give me your opinion.
Or quote some scripture for me.
Insult me.
Make fun of me.
Just tell me.
I want to know.
I just want to know
What you think.
Maybe it shouldn't matter
It shouldn't affect me.
But the good things that affect me,
Will make me a more well-rounded person.
Make me listen better.
Humble me.
Even the bad
Will make me stronger in the end.
Just tell me everything you think.
Untitled
When I look at you,
I think of all the emotions
I felt for you
Why do I mess up things like this?
I just don't understand myself
But it doesn't matter anymore
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're doing good, I'm happy.
If you're covering up what's really inside, I understand.
Sometimes I don't want to believe this is really your personality.
But who am I to judge?
And if I truly cared for you, what would I do for you?
More notes would make you think I was strange, not that you already don't.
I'll try to understand you.
I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
I have a strane personality; I'm hard to understand, even to myself.
But I hope we can be friends.
We were at one point, and now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever think of me?
Or do you avoid me in your thoughts, just so you're avoiding me?
Will we ever get closer?
Should I even care?
It's for God I need to change.
It's for you I want to be softened.
And tougher at the same time.
You will never understand what I thought of you this year.
But it doesn't even matter.
I want to lead well, I want to be good.
I want to inspire, but God has to work through me, not on my own.
Follow Him, dear brother in Christ
I'll try not to be inconsistent anymore.
I have no right to criticize, I have no right to point out your flaws.
Especially when I need to focus yet on mine.
Keep on going with life, but fight the forces that lead you off the right path.
For your own good.
Live knowing He is there.
And that if you ever need another friend, I will jump at the chance.
Always There
I thank the Lord for you
Every single day
He is a wonderful God, and you are the ones He gave me to keep me in check.
You are the one I talk to when others bring me down
You are the one who give me encouragement on the times I need it
You could write an entire book about me, as I could for you.
You and I know each other far too well
You are always there for me
I hope I'm always there for you.
If I've ever failed you, which I'm sure I have, I'm sorry.
You put up with my demandingness, my bipolar self-esteem
You put up with me every single night.
You know how to listen, and when to talk and when not to.
You are just too amazing.
God, thanks for blessing me with such a great friend.
To All my Friends
All of you
Always listening
Always talking
On my nerves, or on my heart, on my mind
All the time.
I love you all.
I care for you in different ways
And never want to see you hurt
Though I have.
Many of you.
Dearest friends.
You are always in my prayers,
In my thoughts.
You never leave my mind.
Even when I feel I've failed you, you prove me wrong.
And when I actually do, you're always so loving
So forgiving.
I thank God for you too, my friends.
I'll never leave your side
He'll never leave your side.
You're in my life for a reason.
And I thank God for your presences
For your kindness and your openness and love.
OMC AN EXACT 2 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST!!!
Once again, I start with an apology. I'm really, really, REALLY sorry for not posting. I am REALLY not good with all this irregular posting, guys. I'm sorry. :(
*hug* You guys are still totally awesome for reading my blog.
Anyways, April 20. Things about today:
-It is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings
-It's the day I can go back to phone roleplaying with my friend
-It's... April 20th.
I have this book that has this story of Cassie Bernall from before she became a Christian again and everything, and it was written by her parents, and... *sigh* It was really good, but really sad. The whole situation is really, REALLY sad. That all those kids had to lose their lives that way. And the many more who have since then.
The roleplaying thing kind of pales in the Columbine situation. I really don't just wanna brush over that, but I sort of do. It reminds me of when I watched Hotel Rwanda for school, and how the UN got only the European/American/etc. tourists out and themselves to cover themselves up and didn't help the Rwandans until so much killing had already happened.
It's all incredibly sad, all of that. *sigh* I pray that the survivors are all doing well.
---
Continuing from my last post, I do think I'm done with liking Sam 1. He's got a girlfriend now, and she's nice enough, and I just don't think I can keep on going with that. Weird stuff happened (as in, his dad came over and talked to my dad over Sam 1's behavior, which isn't very nice or appropriate toward me and various other people), and I'm trying to just think of him as a regular person again. Not a "cardboard cut-out" of eighth grade crush. A guy who could be my friend, a guy who might be struggling with things that don't ever surface out from his crudely-humored shell at school. I'm trying to do that with all of his... friends... as well.
*sigh*
Easter.
Easter was pretty awesome. I loved my church service, and the song that one of the women in the church sang:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6LGSzNW9xU
It was sort of obvious that they were reaching out to the people who DIDN'T believe in Christ exactly, during the sermon. But I was okay with that.
I've been thinking a lot lately. The past couple of weeks, I thought too much. I really just... I had a bout of questioning. Lots of it. But I'm done with that. I don't mean to offend anyone with the song or what I write or anything. I really just know in my heart, that God is there. And all his laws are righteous and true.
Things that have spoken to me/inspired me/made me think/made me hopeful/etc. lately (within past week/Sunday/etc.):
-Post on one of the ASN D&D boards about "throwing stones" (like in the Bible, how Jesus told the crowd who were going to stone an unfaithful woman or something, and said "He without sin may throw the first stone", and how no one could...) It was kind of humbling, I think. I realize I'm too critical and overly "conservative" sometimes. Loving the sinner and not the sin has been easier said than done lately, to be brutally honest, which is a bad thing. And I can't be that way.
-The former atheist woman who shared her testimony to the Sunday School class yesterday. She was awesome... really awesome. People can be transformed so much.
-My Youth Pastor, even as he was getting somewhat "let go" by the church. He really knows what he's talking about. And he's so God-centered on this. I followed his struggle through my dad, who talks to him a lot. And he seemed so encouraged, so sure, of God's direction, so trusting, so faithful, even in such a difficult "season" as he's now put it. I thought that was pretty awesome.
-Leah's confirmation homework for confirmation. What (I think it was Martin Luther...) wrote about temptation:
"Casts doubt on revealed word (I say "Truth" in place of revealed word for some reason...)"
"Contradicts revealed word"
"Counter-promises revealed word"
It's really true, is what I've found... the way Satan works in temptation, the way temptation, even through ourselves, goes... it's pretty deep, pretty real. I've seen it. Every time I've gotten tempted to believe something that's wrong, that's just the way it goes. o.o
-People just being nice to me. Sam 1 being able to talk to me like a friend at Youth Group, and then not as much at school. But it's okay-ish.
-My dad mentioning again how the adults at my church think I'm a leader, a good encourager, a caring person... sometimes I feel like I don't fit that at all. And I never feel like I do. But knowing people see me that way, usually it scares me... but it really makes me want to keep aiming high. Not only because I don't want to fail them, but because I really want to care. And I really want to follow where God wants me to go, and be a good example to my friends and youth group members. And I can't let God or them down.
-How I've really been blessed with a gift, apparently. Even when I don't see it.
And that's about all I think I'll say for this post. God bless you all. Jesus loves you too.
You guys are pretty awesome. Love ya all! Talk to you soon. :)
*hug* You guys are still totally awesome for reading my blog.
Anyways, April 20. Things about today:
-It is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings
-It's the day I can go back to phone roleplaying with my friend
-It's... April 20th.
I have this book that has this story of Cassie Bernall from before she became a Christian again and everything, and it was written by her parents, and... *sigh* It was really good, but really sad. The whole situation is really, REALLY sad. That all those kids had to lose their lives that way. And the many more who have since then.
The roleplaying thing kind of pales in the Columbine situation. I really don't just wanna brush over that, but I sort of do. It reminds me of when I watched Hotel Rwanda for school, and how the UN got only the European/American/etc. tourists out and themselves to cover themselves up and didn't help the Rwandans until so much killing had already happened.
It's all incredibly sad, all of that. *sigh* I pray that the survivors are all doing well.
---
Continuing from my last post, I do think I'm done with liking Sam 1. He's got a girlfriend now, and she's nice enough, and I just don't think I can keep on going with that. Weird stuff happened (as in, his dad came over and talked to my dad over Sam 1's behavior, which isn't very nice or appropriate toward me and various other people), and I'm trying to just think of him as a regular person again. Not a "cardboard cut-out" of eighth grade crush. A guy who could be my friend, a guy who might be struggling with things that don't ever surface out from his crudely-humored shell at school. I'm trying to do that with all of his... friends... as well.
*sigh*
Easter.
Easter was pretty awesome. I loved my church service, and the song that one of the women in the church sang:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6LGSzNW9xU
It was sort of obvious that they were reaching out to the people who DIDN'T believe in Christ exactly, during the sermon. But I was okay with that.
I've been thinking a lot lately. The past couple of weeks, I thought too much. I really just... I had a bout of questioning. Lots of it. But I'm done with that. I don't mean to offend anyone with the song or what I write or anything. I really just know in my heart, that God is there. And all his laws are righteous and true.
Things that have spoken to me/inspired me/made me think/made me hopeful/etc. lately (within past week/Sunday/etc.):
-Post on one of the ASN D&D boards about "throwing stones" (like in the Bible, how Jesus told the crowd who were going to stone an unfaithful woman or something, and said "He without sin may throw the first stone", and how no one could...) It was kind of humbling, I think. I realize I'm too critical and overly "conservative" sometimes. Loving the sinner and not the sin has been easier said than done lately, to be brutally honest, which is a bad thing. And I can't be that way.
-The former atheist woman who shared her testimony to the Sunday School class yesterday. She was awesome... really awesome. People can be transformed so much.
-My Youth Pastor, even as he was getting somewhat "let go" by the church. He really knows what he's talking about. And he's so God-centered on this. I followed his struggle through my dad, who talks to him a lot. And he seemed so encouraged, so sure, of God's direction, so trusting, so faithful, even in such a difficult "season" as he's now put it. I thought that was pretty awesome.
-Leah's confirmation homework for confirmation. What (I think it was Martin Luther...) wrote about temptation:
"Casts doubt on revealed word (I say "Truth" in place of revealed word for some reason...)"
"Contradicts revealed word"
"Counter-promises revealed word"
It's really true, is what I've found... the way Satan works in temptation, the way temptation, even through ourselves, goes... it's pretty deep, pretty real. I've seen it. Every time I've gotten tempted to believe something that's wrong, that's just the way it goes. o.o
-People just being nice to me. Sam 1 being able to talk to me like a friend at Youth Group, and then not as much at school. But it's okay-ish.
-My dad mentioning again how the adults at my church think I'm a leader, a good encourager, a caring person... sometimes I feel like I don't fit that at all. And I never feel like I do. But knowing people see me that way, usually it scares me... but it really makes me want to keep aiming high. Not only because I don't want to fail them, but because I really want to care. And I really want to follow where God wants me to go, and be a good example to my friends and youth group members. And I can't let God or them down.
-How I've really been blessed with a gift, apparently. Even when I don't see it.
And that's about all I think I'll say for this post. God bless you all. Jesus loves you too.
You guys are pretty awesome. Love ya all! Talk to you soon. :)
Friday, February 20, 2009
I'm sorry, but this blog baby has been taken by blog protective services due to severe neglect.
First off, I'd like to say, YOU PEOPLE ARE AMAZING TO STILL BE READING MY BLOG AFTER I'VE SEVERELY NEGLECTED IT.
Which I now do consistently.
I am so, so, so, SO, sorry, guys. Commenters (sp?), you are amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing your opinions of my blog, and for being very encouraging. You guys are all great.
--------
So, I don't really feel very inclined to talk about political issues right now, though I did write some interesting poetry on Facebook today after coming home from a half-day at school.
Other than that, I was just looking over old blogs, gmail chats, and emails. Particularly the things that had to do with my totally screwed dating life as of last year.
I never really have been on what I've called an "official" date, but I suppose I've "dated".
I've had boyfriends.
I can't believe I'm talking about this right now. Just rereading what I did, my gosh. I suck. I sucked as a girlfriend, I sucked. I was terrible.
Whenever I look back in my middle school past and think of times when I didn't really like my life, I always looked to sixth grade, where I was pretty depressed and at zero self-esteem.
And now I realize why I don't like touching seventh grade again.
What I learned in sixth grade:
I am not alone.
I don't need to be miserable.
SELF-INJURY IS BADDD.
EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
(btw, I never actually tried those things; I just contemplated them quite frequently.)
Helping others is amazing.
God is there for me, made me, and He WILL always be there for me.
God really DOES save your life. (literally, He did, does, and will continue to do so.)
Seventh Grade:
I guess I just learned how to be the worst possible girlfriend on the face of the planet.
After I read "For Young Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhan and Lisa A. Rice (lovingly coined "the guy book" by my friends and I) for the first time, I realized how many mistakes I'd made that probably put down guys I knew very much. More particularly, a certain guy formally coded "Jared" on this blog.
Man.
I was really, really, REALLY, terrible. It's not as though he was a perfect guy either, but, still. We were friends. He liked me. I consider myself to be the worse side of the so-called "former 'dating' relationship".
Not only did I badly hurt Jared, but probably Mark as well. And I was totally OBSESSED with Mark. I had Bella Swan syndrome for this guy! (Actually, more Edward Cullen syndrome... without all the suicide and crap; more Edward because I seriously considered and thought about marrying him in the long future that I thought could have stretched ahead of us.)
How naive is that?
I don't know...
But now, with this uber-suck crush on Sam #1, I just... it doesn't make any sense to me. I have practically no reason to like him. He isn't all that nice to me, and it's apparent I annoy him, a lot of the time, conciously.
I've decided to officially put away that crush crap right now.
I just can't do that to another guy, being friends is a better idea to me right now. After all that happened with Jared and Mark last year, I know it's best for me not to have a boyfriend for the simple purpose of liking to have a boyfriend. Because that's shallow.
And "love", I guess, shouldn't just be about emotions. I was sooo obsessed with emotions back then.
And though I'd "love" to just have a boyfriend right now, because it "feels" so good to, and though I'd "love" to really find the "one", (I doubt and confuse my own motives a ton) I'd also love to just "be in love."
Buuuuuuuuuuuut... None of those definitions fit this one exactly:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I really do like all of my friends, female or male. And I think, as difficult as it would be, especially for someone like ME, I should keep my guy friends just friends.
And thank you so much, to one of a really, really, great guy friend of mine, who I think would be a totally amazing boyfriend/husband to some lucky girl one day, for encouraging me and talking to me today, Nathaniel. You are so totally awesome. Seriously.
And to my female friends out there, thank you so much for putting up with me even when I'm an emotional/hormonal mess. You people amaze me. XD :) You are the best friends I have ever had, and I thank God for you every day.
I love you all,
God Bless,
Aly.
Which I now do consistently.
I am so, so, so, SO, sorry, guys. Commenters (sp?), you are amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing your opinions of my blog, and for being very encouraging. You guys are all great.
--------
So, I don't really feel very inclined to talk about political issues right now, though I did write some interesting poetry on Facebook today after coming home from a half-day at school.
Other than that, I was just looking over old blogs, gmail chats, and emails. Particularly the things that had to do with my totally screwed dating life as of last year.
I never really have been on what I've called an "official" date, but I suppose I've "dated".
I've had boyfriends.
I can't believe I'm talking about this right now. Just rereading what I did, my gosh. I suck. I sucked as a girlfriend, I sucked. I was terrible.
Whenever I look back in my middle school past and think of times when I didn't really like my life, I always looked to sixth grade, where I was pretty depressed and at zero self-esteem.
And now I realize why I don't like touching seventh grade again.
What I learned in sixth grade:
I am not alone.
I don't need to be miserable.
SELF-INJURY IS BADDD.
EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
(btw, I never actually tried those things; I just contemplated them quite frequently.)
Helping others is amazing.
God is there for me, made me, and He WILL always be there for me.
God really DOES save your life. (literally, He did, does, and will continue to do so.)
Seventh Grade:
I guess I just learned how to be the worst possible girlfriend on the face of the planet.
After I read "For Young Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhan and Lisa A. Rice (lovingly coined "the guy book" by my friends and I) for the first time, I realized how many mistakes I'd made that probably put down guys I knew very much. More particularly, a certain guy formally coded "Jared" on this blog.
Man.
I was really, really, REALLY, terrible. It's not as though he was a perfect guy either, but, still. We were friends. He liked me. I consider myself to be the worse side of the so-called "former 'dating' relationship".
Not only did I badly hurt Jared, but probably Mark as well. And I was totally OBSESSED with Mark. I had Bella Swan syndrome for this guy! (Actually, more Edward Cullen syndrome... without all the suicide and crap; more Edward because I seriously considered and thought about marrying him in the long future that I thought could have stretched ahead of us.)
How naive is that?
I don't know...
But now, with this uber-suck crush on Sam #1, I just... it doesn't make any sense to me. I have practically no reason to like him. He isn't all that nice to me, and it's apparent I annoy him, a lot of the time, conciously.
I've decided to officially put away that crush crap right now.
I just can't do that to another guy, being friends is a better idea to me right now. After all that happened with Jared and Mark last year, I know it's best for me not to have a boyfriend for the simple purpose of liking to have a boyfriend. Because that's shallow.
And "love", I guess, shouldn't just be about emotions. I was sooo obsessed with emotions back then.
And though I'd "love" to just have a boyfriend right now, because it "feels" so good to, and though I'd "love" to really find the "one", (I doubt and confuse my own motives a ton) I'd also love to just "be in love."
Buuuuuuuuuuuut... None of those definitions fit this one exactly:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I really do like all of my friends, female or male. And I think, as difficult as it would be, especially for someone like ME, I should keep my guy friends just friends.
And thank you so much, to one of a really, really, great guy friend of mine, who I think would be a totally amazing boyfriend/husband to some lucky girl one day, for encouraging me and talking to me today, Nathaniel. You are so totally awesome. Seriously.
And to my female friends out there, thank you so much for putting up with me even when I'm an emotional/hormonal mess. You people amaze me. XD :) You are the best friends I have ever had, and I thank God for you every day.
I love you all,
God Bless,
Aly.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
If my blog is really like a baby, as Dibs says, it is currently being starved to death(having issues; very ventish.)
I AM SO SORRY FOR BLOGNEGLECTING AGAIN. AND AGAIN. And again, and again, and again...
Sorry guys. :-/
Don't know what to talk about right now.
Yeah. Today I gave people this letter I received in an email about the Freedom of Choice Act (about abortion, in America; SOMETHING THAT WOULD LEGALIZE PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTIONS, and make ALL HOSPITALS UNABLE TO REFUSE PEOPLE AN ABORTION, including Catholic ones, and MAKE PARENTAL CONSENT UNNECESSARY...)
and how people are praying over it not getting passed by Obama, who is becoming the new president in a frightening six days.
I really don't like Obama.
I'm sorry supporters of Obama, and pro-choicers, but I just can't support that. I hardly support abortion at all (it is most understandable to me when there is a definite chance that either mother or child will die, or rape/incest, which makes up ONLY 1-2% of abortions...), and it is a very disturbing practice to me. 4,000 babies are killed each year.
And it could possibly be waaaaay more if this thing gets passed. (The email said 100,000 more per year.)
Ya know, I'm just gonna copy and paste it right now.
The email/prayer request:
"Prayer request - start Jan. 11
If you are apposed to abortion then there is bad news on the horizon. For those of you who do not know, the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) is set to be signed if congress passes it on January 21-22 of 2009. The FOCA is the next sick chapter in the book of abortion. If made a law, then all limitations on abortion will be lifted, which will result in the following:
1) All hospitals, including Catholic hospitals, will be required to perform abortions upon request. If this happens, Bishops vow to close down all Catholic hospitals, more then 30% of all hospitals in the United States.
2) Partial-birth abortions would be legal and have no limitations.
3) All U.S. tax payers would be funding abortions.
4) Parental notification will no longer be required.
5) The number of abortions will increase by a minimum of 100,000 annually.
Perhaps most importantly, the government would have control in the issue of abortion. This could result in a future amendment that would force women by law to have abortions in certain situations (rape, Downʼs syndrome babies, etc) and could even regulate how many children women are allowed to have.
Needless to say, this information is disturbing, but sadly, true. As Catholics, as Christians, as anyone who is against the needless killing of innocent children, we must stand as one. We must stop this horrific act before it becomes a law.
The Plan :
9 days of prayer along with fasting starting on January 11th to stop the FOCA from passing. I encourage you to pray your strongest prayers. The hope is that this will branch and blossom as to become a global effort with maximum impact. We have very little time, so we all must act fast. Just do three things:
1) Pass this letter to 5 or more people
2) Do it in three days or fewer
3) Start praying on January 11th and pray for nine consecutive days.
(please also fast for at least two days during the novena)
Remember that, with God, all things are possible, and the power of prayer is undeniable. If you are against the senseless killing of defenseless children then the time is now to do something about it!
May God bless you all!!"
All that right there. I'm personally praying for it. I believe that through God, all things are possible. But... I don't know whether or not getting rid of this is in His will. Though I pray it is. But, the world is coming to a close rather soon... it's coming when we least expect it. I don't know if abortion is part of that, but it sure has gotten rid of a ton of innocent lives.
I'm sorry if I sound too judgemental right now.
---
Okay, my new blog format for rants/whatever else will now be:
-Big issue/issues/issue I've already talked about but talk too much about anyway
-Personal issues/life/good stuff/bad stuff (hope I don't bore/depress you guys)
-Other stuffs.
In no particular order.
---
Today, I'm having issues.
Or at least as of this moment.
I don't know. I think I'm too judgemental or critical and mean and unkind, and then when I'm not, I'm way too sensitive, or self-depracating. I have never been able to find a happy medium. Lately, I don't think I've been sensitive enough toward other people who are having issues. I mean, am I not supposed to care most for those around me? And I'm really bad with my faith lately too. I don't know. I'm just confused and headwall and circley spiral and stuffs.
I just went to Timber Bay, which is usually totally and entirely and amazingly uplifting when it comes to my strengthening my faith in the Lord. But this time, it just didn't effect me. Just reinforced things I already knew. I still believe in God, and His miracles, and His son, and everything, it's just, I don't know if I trust Him enough... I keep questioning myself. (And those liars on ASN who say CHRISTIANS NEVER DOUBT THEIR FAITH. o.e) I'm just questioning... things. Like if I actually existed back in Jesus's day, would I have really believed what He'd been doing was good? It was the people who had the simplest of faith who were some of the most amazing. And others who screwed up and got back to Him anyway. (And that's just the way it is now too; I don't know, I just find recovery stories more inspiring than people who haven't had it so bad and still make it through life very well... unless they're helping other people... well... I dunno. I guess I can be inspired by a lot of things. Lots of faith. I think... okay, now I'm off topic. Sorry!) Either way, would I have believed it if I had seen it? I keep telling myself I would have. And that I would have believed the prophets and everything before He had come. I just don't know. It's just this one little doubt that was planted in me and just keeps getting more and more twisted and destructive.
I don't give up on this life. I don't want to give up on God's plan for me. I KNOW He knows what's best for me. And I KNOW He has better plans for me than I could ever have. I want to trust Him. And I don't want to believe what's wrong.
*exhales*
I think I just got through that.
Amen.
Alright... Now onto...
---
OTHER STUFFS.
I have just realized that Sam 1 and I have hardly anything in common. (now feeling very shallow for talking about crushes.)
Okay, back to serious stuff. (Again, I'm sorry if I anger you, depress you, etc...)
My friends are still having severe issues and I'm still neglecting them. They call, I might not call back, I take forever to call them... (OMC, I should call Rose, like right now...)
But... yeah. And I don't know. They might be having issues, and I might not be there for them... And I know they're having issues... I should probably talk to them... :-/
Love you guys.
God Bless,
Aly
Sorry guys. :-/
Don't know what to talk about right now.
Yeah. Today I gave people this letter I received in an email about the Freedom of Choice Act (about abortion, in America; SOMETHING THAT WOULD LEGALIZE PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTIONS, and make ALL HOSPITALS UNABLE TO REFUSE PEOPLE AN ABORTION, including Catholic ones, and MAKE PARENTAL CONSENT UNNECESSARY...)
and how people are praying over it not getting passed by Obama, who is becoming the new president in a frightening six days.
I really don't like Obama.
I'm sorry supporters of Obama, and pro-choicers, but I just can't support that. I hardly support abortion at all (it is most understandable to me when there is a definite chance that either mother or child will die, or rape/incest, which makes up ONLY 1-2% of abortions...), and it is a very disturbing practice to me. 4,000 babies are killed each year.
And it could possibly be waaaaay more if this thing gets passed. (The email said 100,000 more per year.)
Ya know, I'm just gonna copy and paste it right now.
The email/prayer request:
"Prayer request - start Jan. 11
If you are apposed to abortion then there is bad news on the horizon. For those of you who do not know, the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) is set to be signed if congress passes it on January 21-22 of 2009. The FOCA is the next sick chapter in the book of abortion. If made a law, then all limitations on abortion will be lifted, which will result in the following:
1) All hospitals, including Catholic hospitals, will be required to perform abortions upon request. If this happens, Bishops vow to close down all Catholic hospitals, more then 30% of all hospitals in the United States.
2) Partial-birth abortions would be legal and have no limitations.
3) All U.S. tax payers would be funding abortions.
4) Parental notification will no longer be required.
5) The number of abortions will increase by a minimum of 100,000 annually.
Perhaps most importantly, the government would have control in the issue of abortion. This could result in a future amendment that would force women by law to have abortions in certain situations (rape, Downʼs syndrome babies, etc) and could even regulate how many children women are allowed to have.
Needless to say, this information is disturbing, but sadly, true. As Catholics, as Christians, as anyone who is against the needless killing of innocent children, we must stand as one. We must stop this horrific act before it becomes a law.
The Plan :
9 days of prayer along with fasting starting on January 11th to stop the FOCA from passing. I encourage you to pray your strongest prayers. The hope is that this will branch and blossom as to become a global effort with maximum impact. We have very little time, so we all must act fast. Just do three things:
1) Pass this letter to 5 or more people
2) Do it in three days or fewer
3) Start praying on January 11th and pray for nine consecutive days.
(please also fast for at least two days during the novena)
Remember that, with God, all things are possible, and the power of prayer is undeniable. If you are against the senseless killing of defenseless children then the time is now to do something about it!
May God bless you all!!"
All that right there. I'm personally praying for it. I believe that through God, all things are possible. But... I don't know whether or not getting rid of this is in His will. Though I pray it is. But, the world is coming to a close rather soon... it's coming when we least expect it. I don't know if abortion is part of that, but it sure has gotten rid of a ton of innocent lives.
I'm sorry if I sound too judgemental right now.
---
Okay, my new blog format for rants/whatever else will now be:
-Big issue/issues/issue I've already talked about but talk too much about anyway
-Personal issues/life/good stuff/bad stuff (hope I don't bore/depress you guys)
-Other stuffs.
In no particular order.
---
Today, I'm having issues.
Or at least as of this moment.
I don't know. I think I'm too judgemental or critical and mean and unkind, and then when I'm not, I'm way too sensitive, or self-depracating. I have never been able to find a happy medium. Lately, I don't think I've been sensitive enough toward other people who are having issues. I mean, am I not supposed to care most for those around me? And I'm really bad with my faith lately too. I don't know. I'm just confused and headwall and circley spiral and stuffs.
I just went to Timber Bay, which is usually totally and entirely and amazingly uplifting when it comes to my strengthening my faith in the Lord. But this time, it just didn't effect me. Just reinforced things I already knew. I still believe in God, and His miracles, and His son, and everything, it's just, I don't know if I trust Him enough... I keep questioning myself. (And those liars on ASN who say CHRISTIANS NEVER DOUBT THEIR FAITH. o.e) I'm just questioning... things. Like if I actually existed back in Jesus's day, would I have really believed what He'd been doing was good? It was the people who had the simplest of faith who were some of the most amazing. And others who screwed up and got back to Him anyway. (And that's just the way it is now too; I don't know, I just find recovery stories more inspiring than people who haven't had it so bad and still make it through life very well... unless they're helping other people... well... I dunno. I guess I can be inspired by a lot of things. Lots of faith. I think... okay, now I'm off topic. Sorry!) Either way, would I have believed it if I had seen it? I keep telling myself I would have. And that I would have believed the prophets and everything before He had come. I just don't know. It's just this one little doubt that was planted in me and just keeps getting more and more twisted and destructive.
I don't give up on this life. I don't want to give up on God's plan for me. I KNOW He knows what's best for me. And I KNOW He has better plans for me than I could ever have. I want to trust Him. And I don't want to believe what's wrong.
*exhales*
I think I just got through that.
Amen.
Alright... Now onto...
---
OTHER STUFFS.
I have just realized that Sam 1 and I have hardly anything in common. (now feeling very shallow for talking about crushes.)
Okay, back to serious stuff. (Again, I'm sorry if I anger you, depress you, etc...)
My friends are still having severe issues and I'm still neglecting them. They call, I might not call back, I take forever to call them... (OMC, I should call Rose, like right now...)
But... yeah. And I don't know. They might be having issues, and I might not be there for them... And I know they're having issues... I should probably talk to them... :-/
Love you guys.
God Bless,
Aly
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
*presses those electric heart-startthingstoblog* REVIVE! MERRY CHRISTMAS!/HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (And life-musings.)
Promise to self and others:
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST...
Ai'ight, sorry guys for being gone forever... Dx
I love you guys, though! Seriously!
Leanne has been having internet issues for a very long while nowzzz, so it ish sad. D':
But Rose and her family are coming up for Christmas/New Year! ^^
And it shall be amazing!
I'm so glad for the Christmas season be here. It's always such a great, hopeful, joyful time for me. And, like all breaks from school/holidays a good time for reflection, writing, reading, talking, etc.
I do that anyway, but I have more time now.
And now, for some really irrelevant/relevant? musings of stuffs.
Numero uno, Leanne and I talk on the phone 24/7. I've been neglecting a lot of my other friends lately... :'( And the internet. Especially my internet friends. Which is bad. And I shouldn't do that.
But the phone-roleplay (which started out as a parody of our characters out of various roleplays I've joined/mainly "In Their Eyes" on AvatarSpirit.net) we do now really has me thinking.
I've always got dark, messed-up characters, with messed-up lives, and messed-up everything else. Plus, I'm a Christian (and YES, this has to do with something, it has to do with EVERYTHING) and they don't follow my own moral standards. I've been a pretty darkish person since around two years ago or longer, a little confused, a littl culture-shocked because I was either sheltered or 100% obliviously and happily naiive up until around fifth grade.
Probably a little bit of both. But when my parents decided to let me be a little less sheltered, I guess I just kept being blissfully ignorant/oblvious/naiive on my own.
Psh, they still think they shelter me.
But, I ruin that kind of effort. And they appreciate my deeper thoughts on things as a teenager, even when they may not agree, or have the same thoughts. They're my parents. I think they're glad I talk to them. If I talk to my mom, then she's mostly listening because I often talk to her after a couple cups of coffee in the morning after an entire week of school and I'm dancing and jumping off of kitchen chairs while ranting about "political issues" and friends and a whole bunch of other things and writing... etc...
But, back on topic.
So I'm dark. And I can take all the dark stuff. I read so many "problem novels" now, it's not even funny. I'm just too serious sometimes! My sense of humor is pretty harsh sometimes.
But I used to do this kind of writing/reading/talking because:
1. I was utterly depressing/depressed? in sixth grade
2. Due to this, I made my poor depressing already Mary-Sue'd character Kim become my emo self and do the morbid crud I couldn't get my own self to do
3. Later on, I read/wrote this kind of stuff to understand real troubled people without asking troubled people I know, or experiencing it myself (psych-preparation; YA fiction is how I RESEARCH[ED?])
4. Now I just don't know why. Might still be the research. And maybe for the sake of experiencing.
But here's what I know. As I keep on doing this, things just don't manage to phase anymore. Like my friend's "legal murder" comment on abortion, just the matter-of-fact voice of hers in that comment, just how unattached it was, like there was nothing to be done, nothing to be said, just a horrible fact-of-life, without the emotion, that's just how everything's starting to become for me.
What I realize is that there are REAL people who live this way. Who do what Leanne's and my characters do. Who have gone through the things we put them through. The people who live those miserable lives and keeping going through their vicious cycles until they conciously try to stop and move on and change their life, escape their circumstances and start over, do NOT have the luxury of acting it out, of pretending, the luxury of saying on the phone or Personal Messaging saying to "take a break" from it, or to press that fake rewind button when things get too intense for the writer/speaker's sake.
I know it was wrong for me to WISH for misfortune for myself for the sake of empathy, to truly understand a person's pain. But it's better than continuing drama for the sake of continuing it. It's like a real person's miserable life is just a petty thing to play with to a person who has a relatively decent life. Melody Carlson, Jodi Picoult, what is with these women? Why do they write what they write? Why do I write what I write? How do I keep doing that?
I want to be more aware. And I want to understand. But I don't want to have a terrible life, even if it means it would be more inspiring, at least in my own opinion, if I overcame it.
My dad is a perfect example.
Problem is, he's STILL overcoming. He's nearing fifty years old, and things that happened all the way back in his childhood, in his teenage years, STILL are with him, even as he overcomes. He has Christ in his life, and being a follower of the Lord does NOT make your life easier. It makes it easier to bear and shows you the higher meaning of WHY you were put on earth, WHY you go through what you do. It shows you that you were put here to accomplish something beautiful, to show the hope you received in HIM to others. You do not turn on a light and hide it underneath a bowl. You show it to others.
That is why is Christmas is beautiful too.
I always had a recovery story for my character locked up in my head if they ever got that far into a story or a roleplay. They just keep stumbling and falling and crawling, and trying to go through life on their own. Therefore, they keep falling. None of them know how to deal with their life. They're angry, they're hurting, and they just don't understand. This is a terrible stereotype, I suppose for people who actually do that. I don't know. I just don't believe you can ever fully understand your life unless you come to the Lord. But that's not what everyone believes, though. And I understand that, but that's what the Bible says, though, and I wholeheartedly believe all of it. I will admit, I don't agree with everything the Old Testament says, ("eye for an eye, rapist should marry victim, lots of incest... o.eee") but even the New Testament clears up some of the Old Testament, through Jesus's teachings, especially in Matthew. Pretty sick stuff in the Old Testament. I believe all of Creation, though. (The incest thing gets cleared up when more people get born, because... I suppose all that stuff happened because there was like, no one on earth yet. And Adam and Eve--NOT MADE RELATED.)
Off topic once again...
Like Melody Carlson, one of my new favorite authors, who, like myself, has her own overuse of topics, her own set of stereotypes due to her overuse of topics, I believe life was not meant to be perfect. Sure, there was the fall of the world. But God gave us free will. And that meant risking His people to become tempted by His enemies, and then choose to sin against him. But He didn't want robots to worship Him. He wanted the people to do so WILLINGLY. He brings us closer through even tragedy, turns evil into good. Nothing is a coincidence. Nothing that happens wasn't meant to happen. When we're made, God already knows whether or not we're going to choose Him over the world by the time we've reached the end of our lives. God knows EVERYTHING.
And so the road bumps in our lives can just shoot us right up to Him. Or, they can make us go bitter and angry and hurt and stay in our miserable life-cycles.
When I think about it, my dad's life has probably fascinated me for so long that it makes me put these sorts of things into my writing, and my reading. When I say "I don't wanna ask troubled people/people who have gone through the terrible stuff I think about too much", I realize after a few moments, my dad's probably been through it all. He really inspires me. He's still not always consistent, but I know he's clinging to the cross, and I know he's truly trying to change. And he's human. It's beautiful.
I love my mom too, and she's a very wise, kind of traditional sometimes, but open woman. My parents are great.
I just hope my brother doesn't go through the culture shock I went through, though I think he's past that now. I think he's already developing those kinds of "worldly" problems, probably influenced by me, my music, my talking on the phone, his little internet games... turning into a full-fledged dork, but he's so smart, funny, but so boy-ish! I just hope he learns to understand what's truly important. My brother and my mom have always had a really close relationship, and my dad and him can always watch TV, comedy shows, play games and stuff together.
This Christmas, I'm really grateful for saving Grace, for my family, and my friends who put up with me all the time.
Love you all! Have a very Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
Sincerely,
Aly
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST...
Ai'ight, sorry guys for being gone forever... Dx
I love you guys, though! Seriously!
Leanne has been having internet issues for a very long while nowzzz, so it ish sad. D':
But Rose and her family are coming up for Christmas/New Year! ^^
And it shall be amazing!
I'm so glad for the Christmas season be here. It's always such a great, hopeful, joyful time for me. And, like all breaks from school/holidays a good time for reflection, writing, reading, talking, etc.
I do that anyway, but I have more time now.
And now, for some really irrelevant/relevant? musings of stuffs.
Numero uno, Leanne and I talk on the phone 24/7. I've been neglecting a lot of my other friends lately... :'( And the internet. Especially my internet friends. Which is bad. And I shouldn't do that.
But the phone-roleplay (which started out as a parody of our characters out of various roleplays I've joined/mainly "In Their Eyes" on AvatarSpirit.net) we do now really has me thinking.
I've always got dark, messed-up characters, with messed-up lives, and messed-up everything else. Plus, I'm a Christian (and YES, this has to do with something, it has to do with EVERYTHING) and they don't follow my own moral standards. I've been a pretty darkish person since around two years ago or longer, a little confused, a littl culture-shocked because I was either sheltered or 100% obliviously and happily naiive up until around fifth grade.
Probably a little bit of both. But when my parents decided to let me be a little less sheltered, I guess I just kept being blissfully ignorant/oblvious/naiive on my own.
Psh, they still think they shelter me.
But, I ruin that kind of effort. And they appreciate my deeper thoughts on things as a teenager, even when they may not agree, or have the same thoughts. They're my parents. I think they're glad I talk to them. If I talk to my mom, then she's mostly listening because I often talk to her after a couple cups of coffee in the morning after an entire week of school and I'm dancing and jumping off of kitchen chairs while ranting about "political issues" and friends and a whole bunch of other things and writing... etc...
But, back on topic.
So I'm dark. And I can take all the dark stuff. I read so many "problem novels" now, it's not even funny. I'm just too serious sometimes! My sense of humor is pretty harsh sometimes.
But I used to do this kind of writing/reading/talking because:
1. I was utterly depressing/depressed? in sixth grade
2. Due to this, I made my poor depressing already Mary-Sue'd character Kim become my emo self and do the morbid crud I couldn't get my own self to do
3. Later on, I read/wrote this kind of stuff to understand real troubled people without asking troubled people I know, or experiencing it myself (psych-preparation; YA fiction is how I RESEARCH[ED?])
4. Now I just don't know why. Might still be the research. And maybe for the sake of experiencing.
But here's what I know. As I keep on doing this, things just don't manage to phase anymore. Like my friend's "legal murder" comment on abortion, just the matter-of-fact voice of hers in that comment, just how unattached it was, like there was nothing to be done, nothing to be said, just a horrible fact-of-life, without the emotion, that's just how everything's starting to become for me.
What I realize is that there are REAL people who live this way. Who do what Leanne's and my characters do. Who have gone through the things we put them through. The people who live those miserable lives and keeping going through their vicious cycles until they conciously try to stop and move on and change their life, escape their circumstances and start over, do NOT have the luxury of acting it out, of pretending, the luxury of saying on the phone or Personal Messaging saying to "take a break" from it, or to press that fake rewind button when things get too intense for the writer/speaker's sake.
I know it was wrong for me to WISH for misfortune for myself for the sake of empathy, to truly understand a person's pain. But it's better than continuing drama for the sake of continuing it. It's like a real person's miserable life is just a petty thing to play with to a person who has a relatively decent life. Melody Carlson, Jodi Picoult, what is with these women? Why do they write what they write? Why do I write what I write? How do I keep doing that?
I want to be more aware. And I want to understand. But I don't want to have a terrible life, even if it means it would be more inspiring, at least in my own opinion, if I overcame it.
My dad is a perfect example.
Problem is, he's STILL overcoming. He's nearing fifty years old, and things that happened all the way back in his childhood, in his teenage years, STILL are with him, even as he overcomes. He has Christ in his life, and being a follower of the Lord does NOT make your life easier. It makes it easier to bear and shows you the higher meaning of WHY you were put on earth, WHY you go through what you do. It shows you that you were put here to accomplish something beautiful, to show the hope you received in HIM to others. You do not turn on a light and hide it underneath a bowl. You show it to others.
That is why is Christmas is beautiful too.
I always had a recovery story for my character locked up in my head if they ever got that far into a story or a roleplay. They just keep stumbling and falling and crawling, and trying to go through life on their own. Therefore, they keep falling. None of them know how to deal with their life. They're angry, they're hurting, and they just don't understand. This is a terrible stereotype, I suppose for people who actually do that. I don't know. I just don't believe you can ever fully understand your life unless you come to the Lord. But that's not what everyone believes, though. And I understand that, but that's what the Bible says, though, and I wholeheartedly believe all of it. I will admit, I don't agree with everything the Old Testament says, ("eye for an eye, rapist should marry victim, lots of incest... o.eee") but even the New Testament clears up some of the Old Testament, through Jesus's teachings, especially in Matthew. Pretty sick stuff in the Old Testament. I believe all of Creation, though. (The incest thing gets cleared up when more people get born, because... I suppose all that stuff happened because there was like, no one on earth yet. And Adam and Eve--NOT MADE RELATED.)
Off topic once again...
Like Melody Carlson, one of my new favorite authors, who, like myself, has her own overuse of topics, her own set of stereotypes due to her overuse of topics, I believe life was not meant to be perfect. Sure, there was the fall of the world. But God gave us free will. And that meant risking His people to become tempted by His enemies, and then choose to sin against him. But He didn't want robots to worship Him. He wanted the people to do so WILLINGLY. He brings us closer through even tragedy, turns evil into good. Nothing is a coincidence. Nothing that happens wasn't meant to happen. When we're made, God already knows whether or not we're going to choose Him over the world by the time we've reached the end of our lives. God knows EVERYTHING.
And so the road bumps in our lives can just shoot us right up to Him. Or, they can make us go bitter and angry and hurt and stay in our miserable life-cycles.
When I think about it, my dad's life has probably fascinated me for so long that it makes me put these sorts of things into my writing, and my reading. When I say "I don't wanna ask troubled people/people who have gone through the terrible stuff I think about too much", I realize after a few moments, my dad's probably been through it all. He really inspires me. He's still not always consistent, but I know he's clinging to the cross, and I know he's truly trying to change. And he's human. It's beautiful.
I love my mom too, and she's a very wise, kind of traditional sometimes, but open woman. My parents are great.
I just hope my brother doesn't go through the culture shock I went through, though I think he's past that now. I think he's already developing those kinds of "worldly" problems, probably influenced by me, my music, my talking on the phone, his little internet games... turning into a full-fledged dork, but he's so smart, funny, but so boy-ish! I just hope he learns to understand what's truly important. My brother and my mom have always had a really close relationship, and my dad and him can always watch TV, comedy shows, play games and stuff together.
This Christmas, I'm really grateful for saving Grace, for my family, and my friends who put up with me all the time.
Love you all! Have a very Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
Sincerely,
Aly
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
More ventish and almost depressing poetry.
I love music right now. Thank God for Jill Pearson, Superchick, and Barlow Girl right now. And my friends.
Anyway, more poems. Can't prose my feelings yet.
God, I feel like I'm losing it a lot right now
I know You're holding onto me
But I'm still slipping, sliding, barely grasping
Too confused
Too perplexed
Too scared
Of not having the people
That hold me up
And that's wrong
You hold me up when I'm falling
But I've been leaning onto them too much
But I flinch at every untrue word
That slips from their lips
And yet I can't let go
And let You change them,
I hold onto to what I try to do.
And I should give it up to you.
I guess I'm codependent.
Or something more,
Or something less?
I don't know myself again
Last time I felt this way
I was falling apart.
I have little seconds where I slip a lot.
Feel that falling apart
Tears can come whenever my mind is tempted
And then they go away.
I act like I'm okay.
I don't even know what's wrong with me, Lord!
Should I?
Are You using this to draw me closer?
Or am I falling somewhere You don't want me to go?
I know You won't forsake me...
I know that I believe You.
That I can't live without You.
But why do those times come? Lord, forgive me for my doubts.
I know You're here.
And "Blessed are the ones who don't see, and yet still believe."
Lord, hold me tighter, when I'm struggling, I'm flailing
Lost, unsure, confused.
Bring me close to You. I know You're here. Please forgive me for my doubts.
I know You love me.
And them too, Lord.
Use me, Your servant, is listening now.
My mind is clear!
Thank You for being here...
Anyway, more poems. Can't prose my feelings yet.
God, I feel like I'm losing it a lot right now
I know You're holding onto me
But I'm still slipping, sliding, barely grasping
Too confused
Too perplexed
Too scared
Of not having the people
That hold me up
And that's wrong
You hold me up when I'm falling
But I've been leaning onto them too much
But I flinch at every untrue word
That slips from their lips
And yet I can't let go
And let You change them,
I hold onto to what I try to do.
And I should give it up to you.
I guess I'm codependent.
Or something more,
Or something less?
I don't know myself again
Last time I felt this way
I was falling apart.
I have little seconds where I slip a lot.
Feel that falling apart
Tears can come whenever my mind is tempted
And then they go away.
I act like I'm okay.
I don't even know what's wrong with me, Lord!
Should I?
Are You using this to draw me closer?
Or am I falling somewhere You don't want me to go?
I know You won't forsake me...
I know that I believe You.
That I can't live without You.
But why do those times come? Lord, forgive me for my doubts.
I know You're here.
And "Blessed are the ones who don't see, and yet still believe."
Lord, hold me tighter, when I'm struggling, I'm flailing
Lost, unsure, confused.
Bring me close to You. I know You're here. Please forgive me for my doubts.
I know You love me.
And them too, Lord.
Use me, Your servant, is listening now.
My mind is clear!
Thank You for being here...
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