I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack
I first heard this, or at least remember it the most recognizably, at a funeral. For someone whose son I hardly knew, and I probably had only seen him a couple of times in person... and never even spoke to him. I felt like I'd known him, just by what the pastor, or whoever spoke the longest up front said... I saw his daughter, my brother's age, walk up there, and say something. I was sitting on a higher level, but I saw the moisture in her eyes... his son, I don't exactly remember, but I'm not sure whether he came up there directly or not... I don't think he did, and if he did, I don't remember.
The song, "I Hope You Dance", was sung by someone I also didn't know... it didn't at all feel awkward to me, to be at a funeral that I felt I didn't know much. I was trying to pay respects, and to show my sympathies... at least without saying much. It made me silent. This whole thing. The first time I went to a funeral and comprehended it. It was last year, in sixth grade. We were allowed to walk to the church, along with our teacher, if we felt driven to go, for it was during the schoolday.
I couldn't believe it. It was horrible. Terrifyingly depressing. I just... I couldn't get myself to speak. I'd lost my ability to severely cry after a while, so I'd only almost cried... but almost crying is crying enough... if there are tears in your eyes for emotional purpose, it counts. I felt myself feeling empathy for this family. I felt a desperate need to reach out to his son, or anyone of them, in some way. But I wasn't someone close to them.
I had an almost morbid drive to write a poem about this. Any of it. I came up with one in my head, practically murmuring the words under my breath, when we got back to school. I didn't understand how the world could keep going when this family had lost someone so close, so important, so significant...
And I wrote the poem, about two weeks after. It wasn't like I imagined. But I'd written it.
A Family's Loss
A loving man
A life so great
Until it started
To fall, and break
A family's loss
A crying child
A grieving wife
A saddened son
His taken life
They were so close
But then they decided
To make a choice
To be apart
The children not
Understanding
Wondering why
They'd choose such a thing
A condition worse
Than cruel disease
Something that prevents
Enjoyment of life
A sadness deep
Yet almost hidden
Except by those so close
Who knew
Something he did
To try and stop it
But was unsuccessful
Pain worsening
So cold
Feeling so saddened
Every day, hurting
Nothing left
To do, but leave
His family grieving
Children's peers wondering
So many questions, answers unkown
And as the children are now crying
They will never forget
That loving man.
I didn't title it until I put it online, last November. It felt wrong... though I changed the dedication, so that it would be universal.
"These poems are a couple of older ones that I wrote when two students' and their families at my school experienced great loss. Dedicated to those who have had to go through things that the people from my school went through. I pray for you all every night, and hope for healing for all who have lost someone this important."
I think because I tried to make it universal, people would automatically come up with a natural cause for what had ocurred... and the only reason why this occasion was so terrible to me, was because this man had gone from something that couldn't be forgiven. And he'd left his family... like the poem said. He wasn't just taken... I don't know what to make of it. I know why, I can figure it out. Or not... but to watch someone go through that... and then to just hear it... that someone like that was gone, because of this. I don't ever know how his son managed. He seemed fine when he came back to school... I was extremely unstable in sixth grade, like, in the sense that I was pretty depressed and... dark..., so, I was amazed that he seemed fine. I think I almost wanted him to seem worse, looking over my diary, I think I wanted it for theatrical purpose, for writing something. And so I called myself psychotic and a whole bunch of other things I'd rather not talk about... but this isn't about me. I talked to the guidance counselor's sub (The other guidance counselor was out for a while), during a time, and referenced how surprising it was to see him so 'okay', during school, after what had just happened. And she explained that he probably has some times when he breaks down and maybe just cries when he thinks about it... I realized how wrong I'd been. I wasn't being empathetic, or compassionate, or even sympathetic then. I realized that he was probably mourning still, hurting terribly. And later on, now that I think about it, a lot of people think it's so wrong for a guy to cry in public... I realized, with loss, people will cover things up to make it seem they are strong, (while it's not weak to cry, or mourn, or feel hurt and show it), or for the sake of others, or they'll just go out and show the world how they feel, or they don't show it in public, or they close up completely... I've never experienced something so painful, so I don't know how it really feels, at least with that as a purpose.
I prayed for them every night for at least the next three months. Just silently, but I did. Though I was very selfish in the beginning, I wanted to do whatever I could to be there for them. I knew God was there for them. Even though they'd experienced a tragedy, he was there. I prayed for their faith, for their healing, for mercy and grace, and so much for healing... and I pray that they are recovering, though I know for sure, this is not something they will forget.
I don't know why I'm reliving this right now... This song. I continue listening to it right now. It felt like torture for a while. Even though it's a beautiful song, I always remember this when I hear it... Tommorrow, these guys aren't going to have their dad there... and I don't what I'd do without my dad. So I thank God for my family, for my father, especially, and for everything he's given me. For this beautiful life. Lord, don't ever let me do this... I pray for the future for all of us. I pray for the family I just wrote about. May they heal, Lord, and continue loving, and never forget what it's like. May they see Your love everyday.
Bless them, Lord, heal all who have suffered loss. Thank you for all the blessings you have granted my family, and all Lord. May we have hearts that please you.
Amen.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Random Update (Story Style)
Notes=
New Characters:
Bethany- Rose's younger sister. She is one year younger than Rose and everyone, and is going into Seventh Grade after the summer.
Wes- Rose's younger brother. He is the same age as David, Kim's little brother, and just about as obsessed with online RPGs.
I am sitting here on the computer on a Friday, on the first day of that dorky carnival thing that happens every June in my tiny, midwestern town for three days out of the year, knowing well that my best friend, Rose, is already out of state and on her way to getting to her new house in Florida. She sent me pictures. Her room DOES look like a 'prep's', but I think it looks cool... but I'm sure it'll be cooler when she's done redoing it.
This summer, she's coming back up in July to go on the youth mission trip with out church to South Dakota for a week, but... the original plan was to have her come up for a little while before or after, so the gang could all get together again... but her mom was suggesting that I, and maybe even Kris, come down to Florida instead, and then bring Beth and all us back on a plane. Which would, I must admit, be ridiculously fun, but I'd feel guilty and almost selfish (especially if Kris couldn't come...) for not taking Rose back and hanging out with her here in Minnesota, so everyone could hang with her, and she could revisit. So I'm still leaning toward that option... but it's more the parent's arrangements now. Whatever they think works best. *sighness*
Or, maybe they'll let Rose choose... that'd sound cliche, but it'd be rockin'sauce. 8) Plus, during the mission trip, all the church-eh pplz are all about seperating us into different groups so we're basically FORCED into meeting new people... which I really don't mind, but I'd rather spend more time with Rose, considering she's going to be in Florida.
Depressing stuff. It really is... Kris and I always mention it at least once in our phone calls... we haven't let ourselves cry over it yet, though...
I've got so many pics of her, her and I, and everyone... I made this, I think, even before I knew she was leaving... or maybe I did. Oh well. I've gotta get a tribute vid up for her. I think I'm going to use Photograph for that one too... that's Rose and I's song.
My first, and currently, ONLY, YouTube Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOc6GBKpLvo
Heh. It's a tradition of ours, starting on the first middle school retreat with her. We had her iPod, and we were driving home... and so we sang Photograph. The song ended perfectly, just at the moment our bus was exiting the wintery setting. We were messed up kids. Sixth graders. We wrote the worst fanfiction ever, this Teen Titans/Avatar crossover, and we were REALLY muffinly... (Muffins= suggestive; DEAL WIT IT) *sigh* She's an incredible writer. Just her fanfictioin tells me that. And everything else I've ever seen written by her... awesome singer. She knows exactly what to say when I need to hear it. My best friend. Sister, even, I could say. We never argued... we debated. Heh... But nothing petty. Really... deeper-ish stuff... only the important things. Like a real debate. *sigh* Maybe it didn't seem deep at the first subject, but once we delved in... no stopping. We normally cut those things off when it starts getting tense though... (I refuse to use past tense this time; I'm still going to talk to her, even though it won't be exactly the same. )
It still knocks the breath outta me to know, however, that she's not gonna be here like she would have been, if she was staying... I'm going to miss her. All of us are gonna miss her. A lot. A heck of a lot.
She's in my prayers...
((AN: WE LOVE YOU, ALLIE! WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU A LOT!!!!!! :'( <333 You ARE such a great friend to us, and we aren't going to forget you. Ever. And we're going to keep talking to you. As much as possible. Constantly. All the time. Best friends forever. ))
New Characters:
Bethany- Rose's younger sister. She is one year younger than Rose and everyone, and is going into Seventh Grade after the summer.
Wes- Rose's younger brother. He is the same age as David, Kim's little brother, and just about as obsessed with online RPGs.
I am sitting here on the computer on a Friday, on the first day of that dorky carnival thing that happens every June in my tiny, midwestern town for three days out of the year, knowing well that my best friend, Rose, is already out of state and on her way to getting to her new house in Florida. She sent me pictures. Her room DOES look like a 'prep's', but I think it looks cool... but I'm sure it'll be cooler when she's done redoing it.
This summer, she's coming back up in July to go on the youth mission trip with out church to South Dakota for a week, but... the original plan was to have her come up for a little while before or after, so the gang could all get together again... but her mom was suggesting that I, and maybe even Kris, come down to Florida instead, and then bring Beth and all us back on a plane. Which would, I must admit, be ridiculously fun, but I'd feel guilty and almost selfish (especially if Kris couldn't come...) for not taking Rose back and hanging out with her here in Minnesota, so everyone could hang with her, and she could revisit. So I'm still leaning toward that option... but it's more the parent's arrangements now. Whatever they think works best. *sighness*
Or, maybe they'll let Rose choose... that'd sound cliche, but it'd be rockin'sauce. 8) Plus, during the mission trip, all the church-eh pplz are all about seperating us into different groups so we're basically FORCED into meeting new people... which I really don't mind, but I'd rather spend more time with Rose, considering she's going to be in Florida.
Depressing stuff. It really is... Kris and I always mention it at least once in our phone calls... we haven't let ourselves cry over it yet, though...
I've got so many pics of her, her and I, and everyone... I made this, I think, even before I knew she was leaving... or maybe I did. Oh well. I've gotta get a tribute vid up for her. I think I'm going to use Photograph for that one too... that's Rose and I's song.
My first, and currently, ONLY, YouTube Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOc6GBKpLvo
Heh. It's a tradition of ours, starting on the first middle school retreat with her. We had her iPod, and we were driving home... and so we sang Photograph. The song ended perfectly, just at the moment our bus was exiting the wintery setting. We were messed up kids. Sixth graders. We wrote the worst fanfiction ever, this Teen Titans/Avatar crossover, and we were REALLY muffinly... (Muffins= suggestive; DEAL WIT IT) *sigh* She's an incredible writer. Just her fanfictioin tells me that. And everything else I've ever seen written by her... awesome singer. She knows exactly what to say when I need to hear it. My best friend. Sister, even, I could say. We never argued... we debated. Heh... But nothing petty. Really... deeper-ish stuff... only the important things. Like a real debate. *sigh* Maybe it didn't seem deep at the first subject, but once we delved in... no stopping. We normally cut those things off when it starts getting tense though... (I refuse to use past tense this time; I'm still going to talk to her, even though it won't be exactly the same. )
It still knocks the breath outta me to know, however, that she's not gonna be here like she would have been, if she was staying... I'm going to miss her. All of us are gonna miss her. A lot. A heck of a lot.
She's in my prayers...
((AN: WE LOVE YOU, ALLIE! WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU A LOT!!!!!! :'( <333 You ARE such a great friend to us, and we aren't going to forget you. Ever. And we're going to keep talking to you. As much as possible. Constantly. All the time. Best friends forever. ))
Thursday, June 5, 2008
*sings loudly* SCHOOL'S... OUT... FOR.. SUMMAH! SCHOOL'S OUT FOR. EVAH!!! XD
Yup.
School just got out today. That song is in reference (I have no knowledge of 'classic rock', sorry... well, at least not as much knowledge as I possibly could...) to the Guitar Hero game we got to play in 'math class' today. We just had pretty much an entire day of PARTY at school today... it was pretty rockin'sauce.
Kim is now re-going out with Jared. (Grrr... reminds me of Jared from 'The Host'... WHY STEPHENIE, WHYYYYYYY?!) Anyway, they're together. XP Again. It's no problem... just that... yah... She may just have to take 'Jared' off of her list for receiving blog notification....
Anyway, The Host is a flippin' awesome book. 8)
But, of course, I am needing moralistic guidance. T.T Well, talk to ya'll later! *randomness'd*
School just got out today. That song is in reference (I have no knowledge of 'classic rock', sorry... well, at least not as much knowledge as I possibly could...) to the Guitar Hero game we got to play in 'math class' today. We just had pretty much an entire day of PARTY at school today... it was pretty rockin'sauce.
Kim is now re-going out with Jared. (Grrr... reminds me of Jared from 'The Host'... WHY STEPHENIE, WHYYYYYYY?!) Anyway, they're together. XP Again. It's no problem... just that... yah... She may just have to take 'Jared' off of her list for receiving blog notification....
Anyway, The Host is a flippin' awesome book. 8)
But, of course, I am needing moralistic guidance. T.T Well, talk to ya'll later! *randomness'd*
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Sorry it's been a while since I updated... IF I HAVE ANY READERS... xP
Kim is PMSing! YEY! XP
Mood swiiiiiiings.
8)
Anyway, I'm updating randomly. I have a dance this Friday. I have no guys willing to dance with me! WHEEEEE! I do have my friends though... <333 They rox. XD
I'm mood swingyyyyy.
Anyway, internet addiction is in full-blow, as I addictively post on my addictive roleplay with my friend...
I continue reading my Bible everyday, however. I've been reading a Proverb a day. I also read Song of Songs.
Well, random update hooray. ILY U PPL.
Mood swiiiiiiings.
8)
Anyway, I'm updating randomly. I have a dance this Friday. I have no guys willing to dance with me! WHEEEEE! I do have my friends though... <333 They rox. XD
I'm mood swingyyyyy.
Anyway, internet addiction is in full-blow, as I addictively post on my addictive roleplay with my friend...
I continue reading my Bible everyday, however. I've been reading a Proverb a day. I also read Song of Songs.
Well, random update hooray. ILY U PPL.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Another 'chapter' in the blog; PG-13, some private information revealed; read with caution. EXTREME CAUTION.
Kim never thought that this day would come.
She felt hated, all over again... like she was getting called a freak, or annoying or avoided just because of her weird behavior... just like in fifth grade. The weird kid obsessed with the weird shows no one liked and an annoying, obsessive crush on the kid in her grade. His name had also ironically been David. But the thing was, she was so obsessed with him, like in the manner that she managed to call herself obsessive compulsive.
Fifth grade basically crushed all her confidence.
Sixth grade seemed pretty miserable, ridiculously angsty, and morally unstable. (fortunately, no actual actions were done due to those... yeah... )
And now she felt like all that stuff was just falling back out at her.
Jared... she felt like he hated her. Him... out of all people...
She felt like one of the characters she wrote in roleplays, except without an actual cause for their honest-to-goodness almost PTSD... she was just feeling all of this all over again.
What to call it? Verbal abuse, anger issues... maybe just the fact that he had something else going on that made him all mad... Well, she couldn't really call it abuse or anything. They weren't dating, and he wasn't a bully. It didn't count. He HAD however been a little bit verbally abusive to his ex, Angela... but it was all Kim's fault. She had gotten in between them. She should have distanced herself, rather than let Jared make himself look like he was practically cheating on her. Angela said that Kim was all he talked about... and when she got angry or tried to say something, he'd just call her names (and behind her back also... most of the names started with a b and ended in itch... )
Kim knew better than to think that he was like this on his own. '...dad treats his mom like s***'... gave her a hint. She wanted to do whatever she could to get him out...
Reading 'Breathing Underwater' by Alex Flinn gave her a lot of insight... but books don't tell anything. And... maybe she did feel a little bullied. She never wanted to admit if he'd ever made her feel hurt before. Because he honestly didn't. But now....
Ugh, she was so overreactive.
There's none of that involved in what was going on right now... all that was going on right now... was simply another friendship breaking. Just tearing apart... so easily... even after all the 'I love you's' and the 'I'll wait for you's' and all the stuff she'd done to hurt him... she'd been so cold... she hated herself for it right now.
Hm. Sounded cliche. Maybe... no, no, overreaction... or was it denial?
Grrr, stupid fake MPD (Dr. Bob and Patient Kim... )
She wasn't pretending something bad wasn't... actually, yeah she was, but only from her parents... she knew her dad didn't approve of Jared enough, only because of a misunderstanding from last summer, but... yeah.
She began to rethink him. She knew that her Bible told her angry people are better to be avoided from... but it was lineage, she was sure it was...
She wanted to stop him from being that way...
But if he kept lashing out at her, or other people, what could she do? She wasn't a victim. She was just there... it was only on the internet that he said most things... angry and unhappy, depressed or... in love? Only in an IM or an email... but that was it...
And now...
It changed so easily. Something had to be up...
She felt arrogant for thinking this way. He liked her, and she didn't wanna believe that he'd stopped. She'd been using him as a backup...
No, she hadn't... she genuinely cared...
Ugh... such stupid argumentive thoughts. She wished she could just be confident again. And that she wasn't on her way to being overweight, or being hated by the best guy friend she'd ever had... how come they had ended up this way?
She knew she might even cry tommorrow if she had to reprint that poem for her English 4th quarter writing submission. Right at the last minute, she'd decided to use it instead of one of her excercises... she decided to use the poem she'd written the night Jared had told her of what had been going on and finally expressed how he felt... in an... expressive manner that had minimal and/or realistic swearing...
She had to pray about this. Maybe she did need to stay away from him... no matter how much she didn't want to...
She felt hated, all over again... like she was getting called a freak, or annoying or avoided just because of her weird behavior... just like in fifth grade. The weird kid obsessed with the weird shows no one liked and an annoying, obsessive crush on the kid in her grade. His name had also ironically been David. But the thing was, she was so obsessed with him, like in the manner that she managed to call herself obsessive compulsive.
Fifth grade basically crushed all her confidence.
Sixth grade seemed pretty miserable, ridiculously angsty, and morally unstable. (fortunately, no actual actions were done due to those... yeah... )
And now she felt like all that stuff was just falling back out at her.
Jared... she felt like he hated her. Him... out of all people...
She felt like one of the characters she wrote in roleplays, except without an actual cause for their honest-to-goodness almost PTSD... she was just feeling all of this all over again.
What to call it? Verbal abuse, anger issues... maybe just the fact that he had something else going on that made him all mad... Well, she couldn't really call it abuse or anything. They weren't dating, and he wasn't a bully. It didn't count. He HAD however been a little bit verbally abusive to his ex, Angela... but it was all Kim's fault. She had gotten in between them. She should have distanced herself, rather than let Jared make himself look like he was practically cheating on her. Angela said that Kim was all he talked about... and when she got angry or tried to say something, he'd just call her names (and behind her back also... most of the names started with a b and ended in itch... )
Kim knew better than to think that he was like this on his own. '...dad treats his mom like s***'... gave her a hint. She wanted to do whatever she could to get him out...
Reading 'Breathing Underwater' by Alex Flinn gave her a lot of insight... but books don't tell anything. And... maybe she did feel a little bullied. She never wanted to admit if he'd ever made her feel hurt before. Because he honestly didn't. But now....
Ugh, she was so overreactive.
There's none of that involved in what was going on right now... all that was going on right now... was simply another friendship breaking. Just tearing apart... so easily... even after all the 'I love you's' and the 'I'll wait for you's' and all the stuff she'd done to hurt him... she'd been so cold... she hated herself for it right now.
Hm. Sounded cliche. Maybe... no, no, overreaction... or was it denial?
Grrr, stupid fake MPD (Dr. Bob and Patient Kim... )
She wasn't pretending something bad wasn't... actually, yeah she was, but only from her parents... she knew her dad didn't approve of Jared enough, only because of a misunderstanding from last summer, but... yeah.
She began to rethink him. She knew that her Bible told her angry people are better to be avoided from... but it was lineage, she was sure it was...
She wanted to stop him from being that way...
But if he kept lashing out at her, or other people, what could she do? She wasn't a victim. She was just there... it was only on the internet that he said most things... angry and unhappy, depressed or... in love? Only in an IM or an email... but that was it...
And now...
It changed so easily. Something had to be up...
She felt arrogant for thinking this way. He liked her, and she didn't wanna believe that he'd stopped. She'd been using him as a backup...
No, she hadn't... she genuinely cared...
Ugh... such stupid argumentive thoughts. She wished she could just be confident again. And that she wasn't on her way to being overweight, or being hated by the best guy friend she'd ever had... how come they had ended up this way?
She knew she might even cry tommorrow if she had to reprint that poem for her English 4th quarter writing submission. Right at the last minute, she'd decided to use it instead of one of her excercises... she decided to use the poem she'd written the night Jared had told her of what had been going on and finally expressed how he felt... in an... expressive manner that had minimal and/or realistic swearing...
She had to pray about this. Maybe she did need to stay away from him... no matter how much she didn't want to...
Monday, May 19, 2008
Hi peepz. (It is late. I am tired. *yaaaaawn*)
This is a rant. A real, true, randomly random, rant.
I am addicted to Coldplay right now.
You know the top three depressing bands? Well, I have a rule against listening to them at night... (past experience... loooooooooong story... o.e) Due to listening to Evanescence at night causing one of my online friends' characters in an RP to be possessed, getting mentally scarred by listening to 'Bleed It Out' by Linkin Park, at like, 8:50 eastern, while in a car filled with people... and several other instances... I've learned those bands really aren't the best at night.
I actually discovered how amazering The Scientist- Coldplay was on that same night. And various other Coldplay songs... and the Fray... I listen to the Fray a lot before I go to bed... actually, as I fall asleep. XD I love them both. My nightleh bands... soft and prettyfulz, most of the time romantic, or reminiscent, of good times, and bad, and so loverly...
Roleplaying depressingly really puts you in a mood, man. Like, any writing dude, but like, yah... *sigh* I miss Troyn already... (Troy/Taryn; two characters in the RP I write with a couple of friends online) *sighness* :'( *sniff* toopid angsteh teenagers wiff suckeh lives in a screwed-up version of the US.... *sighzzzz*
Peace out, ya'll.
I am addicted to Coldplay right now.
You know the top three depressing bands? Well, I have a rule against listening to them at night... (past experience... loooooooooong story... o.e) Due to listening to Evanescence at night causing one of my online friends' characters in an RP to be possessed, getting mentally scarred by listening to 'Bleed It Out' by Linkin Park, at like, 8:50 eastern, while in a car filled with people... and several other instances... I've learned those bands really aren't the best at night.
I actually discovered how amazering The Scientist- Coldplay was on that same night. And various other Coldplay songs... and the Fray... I listen to the Fray a lot before I go to bed... actually, as I fall asleep. XD I love them both. My nightleh bands... soft and prettyfulz, most of the time romantic, or reminiscent, of good times, and bad, and so loverly...
Roleplaying depressingly really puts you in a mood, man. Like, any writing dude, but like, yah... *sigh* I miss Troyn already... (Troy/Taryn; two characters in the RP I write with a couple of friends online) *sighness* :'( *sniff* toopid angsteh teenagers wiff suckeh lives in a screwed-up version of the US.... *sighzzzz*
Peace out, ya'll.
I feel really dumb right now. (depressing rant.)
I live by cliches. I write them. I've experienced them. I have the magical ability to put together the author's clues and background experience to make a good conclusion/inference/prediction. But I missed this. When any place medical CALLS BACK after a test is done on a patient, it means something is WRONG.
Why did I miss this? Even though I picked up?
"We're calling about your dad's x-rays..."
Yeah. I mean, I totally thought it was normal and okay. I was being all airheaded again. It could be the fact that I'm writing about romances breaking, and listening to Cinderella, and being a pessimist right now, but I have this feeling. That is often wrong. But... I always end up feeling like giving into it. Thinking negatively is terrible... and I do it when I think something could easily be really bad... But I've gotta give this up to God. I just... I need to bring my family closer to him right now. My parents are having issues. Again. xPPP You know, I always say that whole 'perfect family' crap, because I know compared to all the other people I know, we have it so darn good. (I resist swearing... I said it in my head, okay? Lord forgive me... ) And yet I'm complaining like a freakin' stupid angsty teenager! Which I should be. But I'm not. I don't wanna be one. Even though it's so flippin' easy.
*breathes* Ahhh, after a little bit of faking happiness, I'm good again. *sigh*
I love God... I... I know we'll have trials and everything. And I can't try to figure out his thoughts and what he wants to do with my life. Or my parents, or my brother, or my friends. I can't force anyone to follow him. And I can't be perfect... and not everyone in the world is going to like me... and I can't fix everyone... and I can't...
See, negativity.
I'm almost crying here, people.
*sigh*
I can, however, Follow God. I think this is one of those 'Hannah' (mother of Samuel from the Old Testament) moments that our Sunday School teacher was talking about. She's right... I mean, right now, I just need to get on my knees and pray. Give it all up to God...
Why did I miss this? Even though I picked up?
"We're calling about your dad's x-rays..."
Yeah. I mean, I totally thought it was normal and okay. I was being all airheaded again. It could be the fact that I'm writing about romances breaking, and listening to Cinderella, and being a pessimist right now, but I have this feeling. That is often wrong. But... I always end up feeling like giving into it. Thinking negatively is terrible... and I do it when I think something could easily be really bad... But I've gotta give this up to God. I just... I need to bring my family closer to him right now. My parents are having issues. Again. xPPP You know, I always say that whole 'perfect family' crap, because I know compared to all the other people I know, we have it so darn good. (I resist swearing... I said it in my head, okay? Lord forgive me... ) And yet I'm complaining like a freakin' stupid angsty teenager! Which I should be. But I'm not. I don't wanna be one. Even though it's so flippin' easy.
*breathes* Ahhh, after a little bit of faking happiness, I'm good again. *sigh*
I love God... I... I know we'll have trials and everything. And I can't try to figure out his thoughts and what he wants to do with my life. Or my parents, or my brother, or my friends. I can't force anyone to follow him. And I can't be perfect... and not everyone in the world is going to like me... and I can't fix everyone... and I can't...
See, negativity.
I'm almost crying here, people.
*sigh*
I can, however, Follow God. I think this is one of those 'Hannah' (mother of Samuel from the Old Testament) moments that our Sunday School teacher was talking about. She's right... I mean, right now, I just need to get on my knees and pray. Give it all up to God...
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella"
:'( <3 ^link to the song in the YT thing. credits to the person who made the vid. I don't own the song.
Such a sweet, tearjerking, sentimental song. About a father and his little 'Cinderella'. It is so sweet...
For a 13-year-old, I consider myself to be pretty sentimental, and really, really sappy. I'm not hard either. I'm not assertive, most of the time, and I'm mature in certain instances. Right now, this is just a really sentimental moment. I love my daddy... I don't know how people deal with losing someone like that, someone so close to them. Lately the house seems like it's been filled with some sort of... dryness. And I've always been scared of losing people close to me... and I've been scared about that a lot... I've never had anything come close, and I pray to God every night... always about my family, and my friends... but my family is so important to me. I wouldn't be here without God, of course, but I wouldn't be here without my parents. And my brother, oh my goodness, even if he's so strange (like me) and annoying sometimes (like me), I love him. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without them all. It's so hard for them when they have a lazy 13-year-old who spends her life on the internet most of the time...
I love my family.... I've gotta let them have some Cinderella moments more often.
Such a sweet, tearjerking, sentimental song. About a father and his little 'Cinderella'. It is so sweet...
For a 13-year-old, I consider myself to be pretty sentimental, and really, really sappy. I'm not hard either. I'm not assertive, most of the time, and I'm mature in certain instances. Right now, this is just a really sentimental moment. I love my daddy... I don't know how people deal with losing someone like that, someone so close to them. Lately the house seems like it's been filled with some sort of... dryness. And I've always been scared of losing people close to me... and I've been scared about that a lot... I've never had anything come close, and I pray to God every night... always about my family, and my friends... but my family is so important to me. I wouldn't be here without God, of course, but I wouldn't be here without my parents. And my brother, oh my goodness, even if he's so strange (like me) and annoying sometimes (like me), I love him. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without them all. It's so hard for them when they have a lazy 13-year-old who spends her life on the internet most of the time...
I love my family.... I've gotta let them have some Cinderella moments more often.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
A blog late at night (Online witnessing, guilt-outbursts; sort of a vent, sort of not)
Well, I was talking to some of my online friends. I feel horrible for most of them. You know, Ella's right. I guess... I constantly end up with people who are troubled. I know I can do something about this... I know I have constant chances to witness to people, especially online. It's such a negative place, and it's so easy to get sucked into something destructive or wrong on the internet, and yet, God's still here and watching. And many people online need to hear His message! And it's even harder almost to witness to people here... no, actually, there's no excuse for me not to. I mean, God's love is so important. And I'm so afraid to tell people about it?! How could I do that?! I need to pray... I'm one of those people who doesn't always stop and 'Be still and know that I am God". When I talk to people about my 'issues', mainly the ones involving trying to bring people to Christ, or putting them in the right direction, you know, I always get reminded of that verse. I need to remember it... all the time... but I don't. And I'm very contradicting sometimes, online and otherwise. Some people wouldn't even know I was a Christian if I didn't tell them. And I'm ashamed to admit, but perhaps even more so than not, people don't realize that. But I do let God in... it's just, online, I'm... I guess I'm more contradicting here than in real life. It's just SO EASY to get carried away. I'm so into the jokes, and everything, all that bad humor, like crude stuff, you know? It's not so bad to most people, but I know better. I know better... *sigh* I thank God for his mercy and his love and for him all the time. Lord, please let me honor you... please forgive me.. amen.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Not exactly a first story chapter... NOTE: About storyness stuffs.
NOTE: I've decided I'm just going to keep using these pseudonyms for my friends and write in a story format occasionally.
I'll tell you about other coding later on.
---------
Random 'chapter' (story-style blog)
Kim sat alone in the office room, surrounding by all things familiar, listening to a quiet, silently depressing Blue October song, letting the minor-keyed accoustic guitar melodies fill the room, paired with some of the band's typical heavy lyrics, in the dim light from the sky outside, eminating through the open window, occasionally glancing outside to see the typical sights of normality, the giant pine tree sticking straight up, the teenage boys in the neighbor's yard, probably tossing something around. Everything was familiar.
Sometimes Kim believed that she based all she was after familiarity. She nearly cried over her bedroom getting rearranged just a couple months ago... she felt absolutely pathetic about it. She felt tempted to go check out that 'Adjustment Disorder' article on Wikipedia again... She sighed, and wondered. Wondered about... everything in her personal life, selfishly. She wished she wasn't listening to this depressing song... three bands she knew were rarely happy:
Evanescence
Blue October
Linkin Park
Like in their mist of constant angst/depression/morbid/occasional obsession with vampires or demons... there was just a teensy, tiny, burst of happiness. Well... it would take her a while to find one for Linkin Park... What I've Done wasn't particularly 'depressing'... more like... kind of forgiving yourself and letting go of "what i've doooooooooooooooone!"
She sighed, and stopped thinking about that, switching the song to The Fray's "Hundred". She loved this song... she'd loved The Fray even more, ever since one of her best friends, Rose, had given her the CD at her 13th birthday. Everything seemed so great back then... even with the bad shrimp sushi... but food poisoning passes quickly once it is 'released'. Overlooking that fact, it was one of the greatest parties she'd ever had. It was at a hotel, and all of her friends overlooked any differences and came together to be just... awesome together. She had friends come from at least four different schools... it was so much fun.
It was so carefree, and there was so much to say and do, the pool, the girls just hanging out. She loved being surrounded by friends... and this was back before anyone knew if any one of them was leaving.
Her best friend Rose was moving all the way down to Florida... her pale, vampire-loving friend, with the most brilliant of 13 year old minds that any human being could ever come across. She had her faith, she had her... erm, moments of not-so-greatly-moralistic-humor... but she was one of the greatest friends she'd ever had.
She didn't like using past tense. She intended to KEEP her as one of the greatest friends she'd ever had... that would absolutely never change in her heart.
One of the countless things in her life that was changing. Her mind wasn't used to it. She knew she had God on her side... she knew she shouldn't be taking advantage of his mercy just by saying 'I'm human and I make mistakes' everytime she did something wrong. She prayed for mercy everyday. She just wasn't as close to her Lord as she should be...
Fortunately, she wasn't at that point where one might blame God for everything "wrong" in her life. She knew better than that. But there were so many things changing...
Selfish things, like her appearance, her stomach and legs getting larger, her 'development', her face's inconsistent clarity... and her diet getting to be incorrect for her current point and time and lack of excercise. Her selfish, incosistent desire to want to do something... morbid, almost, her near wish, out of her bitterness toward her outer appearance to want to develop eating disorders that made her lose weight rather than gain it. Only at times did she ever wish this. With much self-analysis, she knew she had a problem. She wasn't far enough gone not to realize that. At an approximately inconsistent 99 pounds almost EVERY TIME she checked her weight at about 4'11", she felt rather uncomfortable about her appearance. She was sure she'd gained something by now... she hadn't been to anyone's house with a functioning scale in a while...
The appearance was another temporary thing, just like life on Earth...
Another temporary thing. Well, at least it was supposed to be short and petty... middle school 'relationships'. They were something she'd always wanted... dreamed about and watched in movies, even when she'd forced herself not to have a crush or attraction to guys (without even the AWARENESS of the fact that people could be homosexual, mind you... innocent little evil mind here... ) until she reluctantly accepted the fact that she actually had a real crush in fifth grade.
Her first 'real' boyfriend who broke up with her... it didn't do much to her, it was just... a shock. Sort of. She wasn't expecting it... she was quite blindsided by this... she was just about to let her shell come down and show him who she really was. And then he said he wanted a break... take it as permanent, he'd said. Even though he wasn't sure... she knew he wasn't sure. She still wanted to be friends... she still had her friends stalk Mark everyday at their school as much as possible... but that was about it. He'd been too stressed out about everything that he'd nearly never tell Kim about.
And she missed him too...
Her regrets. Her well-awareness of her mistakes and wrongdoings, at least select ones that she chose to think over and over about that caused her painful guilt that would occasionally make her depressed. Occasionally. It had been a while, however.
Another thing to add to the list.
Treating yet ANOTHER person she was supposed to care about, other than her family (which was an entirely different subject with regretting wrongdoings) like crap. Someone so close to her... her real almost-boyfriend guy-friend, Jared. She'd said she'd loved him a couple times. On the internet. As always. Just like he did to her. He was so sweet...then she'd started acting like the annoying, strange, 11 year old kid she was in fifth grade. The weird stalker girl who was obsessed with the guy she'd never be able to be with... she became really, really aggravating. It caused her to have memories of the time in fifth and fourth grade she'd been made fun of... she hated that. She hated acting that way, and still blamed herself sometimes. She hated when other kids made fun of other ones. Especially when it drove them to do destructive things... it was nearly hypocritical.
He'd told her he didn't like her, and she started arguing. Maybe it was just over for them officially... she remembered the time that they'd chased each other around the library, the times he'd enter and cover her eyes, daring her to guess who it was, even though she'd always know, the little bear that she'd given him, even though it had probably been from one of those toy machines... she still had it.
She remembered awkwardly sitting on the Ferris Wheel together in their town's summer carnival... she remembered their intense online conversations about miserable things, trying to make him feel better, him being there when she was at her worst. Times when she'd been cruel to him. Times when she knew she'd hurt him badly. Times that she wouldn't admit that he'd hurt her.
She remembered the day when he'd walked up to her after admitting that she'd liked him on the swingset, about 7 days before school would get out of the sixth grade... just to get his friends to stop teasing her cruelly. She told herself, honestly, as she'd jumped off her swing and sped to the other side of the playground, at inhumane speed, in the kiddie area, and sat on the little kid car-bounce-horse-spring-thing, she thought to herself "If he comes, then I'll... go out with him, or whatever... But if he doesn't come for me... then I know... he doesn't like me back, and... yeah..." She was almost miserable, contemplating his reaction. But after some false hope from random girls running over to her without true concern expressed... he came. He came, and she wouldn't forget it. He called his friends assholes. And she couldn't say she disagreed at that time. The strangest of words, even the worst of them, even though they felt good... always remembered.
And still so many regrets...
So many changes. But not all of them were bad... even some of the bad ones could turn into good things. God takes ashes and turns them to beauty. She knew that there was a light guiding her through this all... she just had to let it in.
I'll tell you about other coding later on.
---------
Random 'chapter' (story-style blog)
Kim sat alone in the office room, surrounding by all things familiar, listening to a quiet, silently depressing Blue October song, letting the minor-keyed accoustic guitar melodies fill the room, paired with some of the band's typical heavy lyrics, in the dim light from the sky outside, eminating through the open window, occasionally glancing outside to see the typical sights of normality, the giant pine tree sticking straight up, the teenage boys in the neighbor's yard, probably tossing something around. Everything was familiar.
Sometimes Kim believed that she based all she was after familiarity. She nearly cried over her bedroom getting rearranged just a couple months ago... she felt absolutely pathetic about it. She felt tempted to go check out that 'Adjustment Disorder' article on Wikipedia again... She sighed, and wondered. Wondered about... everything in her personal life, selfishly. She wished she wasn't listening to this depressing song... three bands she knew were rarely happy:
Evanescence
Blue October
Linkin Park
Like in their mist of constant angst/depression/morbid/occasional obsession with vampires or demons... there was just a teensy, tiny, burst of happiness. Well... it would take her a while to find one for Linkin Park... What I've Done wasn't particularly 'depressing'... more like... kind of forgiving yourself and letting go of "what i've doooooooooooooooone!"
She sighed, and stopped thinking about that, switching the song to The Fray's "Hundred". She loved this song... she'd loved The Fray even more, ever since one of her best friends, Rose, had given her the CD at her 13th birthday. Everything seemed so great back then... even with the bad shrimp sushi... but food poisoning passes quickly once it is 'released'. Overlooking that fact, it was one of the greatest parties she'd ever had. It was at a hotel, and all of her friends overlooked any differences and came together to be just... awesome together. She had friends come from at least four different schools... it was so much fun.
It was so carefree, and there was so much to say and do, the pool, the girls just hanging out. She loved being surrounded by friends... and this was back before anyone knew if any one of them was leaving.
Her best friend Rose was moving all the way down to Florida... her pale, vampire-loving friend, with the most brilliant of 13 year old minds that any human being could ever come across. She had her faith, she had her... erm, moments of not-so-greatly-moralistic-humor... but she was one of the greatest friends she'd ever had.
She didn't like using past tense. She intended to KEEP her as one of the greatest friends she'd ever had... that would absolutely never change in her heart.
One of the countless things in her life that was changing. Her mind wasn't used to it. She knew she had God on her side... she knew she shouldn't be taking advantage of his mercy just by saying 'I'm human and I make mistakes' everytime she did something wrong. She prayed for mercy everyday. She just wasn't as close to her Lord as she should be...
Fortunately, she wasn't at that point where one might blame God for everything "wrong" in her life. She knew better than that. But there were so many things changing...
Selfish things, like her appearance, her stomach and legs getting larger, her 'development', her face's inconsistent clarity... and her diet getting to be incorrect for her current point and time and lack of excercise. Her selfish, incosistent desire to want to do something... morbid, almost, her near wish, out of her bitterness toward her outer appearance to want to develop eating disorders that made her lose weight rather than gain it. Only at times did she ever wish this. With much self-analysis, she knew she had a problem. She wasn't far enough gone not to realize that. At an approximately inconsistent 99 pounds almost EVERY TIME she checked her weight at about 4'11", she felt rather uncomfortable about her appearance. She was sure she'd gained something by now... she hadn't been to anyone's house with a functioning scale in a while...
The appearance was another temporary thing, just like life on Earth...
Another temporary thing. Well, at least it was supposed to be short and petty... middle school 'relationships'. They were something she'd always wanted... dreamed about and watched in movies, even when she'd forced herself not to have a crush or attraction to guys (without even the AWARENESS of the fact that people could be homosexual, mind you... innocent little evil mind here... ) until she reluctantly accepted the fact that she actually had a real crush in fifth grade.
Her first 'real' boyfriend who broke up with her... it didn't do much to her, it was just... a shock. Sort of. She wasn't expecting it... she was quite blindsided by this... she was just about to let her shell come down and show him who she really was. And then he said he wanted a break... take it as permanent, he'd said. Even though he wasn't sure... she knew he wasn't sure. She still wanted to be friends... she still had her friends stalk Mark everyday at their school as much as possible... but that was about it. He'd been too stressed out about everything that he'd nearly never tell Kim about.
And she missed him too...
Her regrets. Her well-awareness of her mistakes and wrongdoings, at least select ones that she chose to think over and over about that caused her painful guilt that would occasionally make her depressed. Occasionally. It had been a while, however.
Another thing to add to the list.
Treating yet ANOTHER person she was supposed to care about, other than her family (which was an entirely different subject with regretting wrongdoings) like crap. Someone so close to her... her real almost-boyfriend guy-friend, Jared. She'd said she'd loved him a couple times. On the internet. As always. Just like he did to her. He was so sweet...then she'd started acting like the annoying, strange, 11 year old kid she was in fifth grade. The weird stalker girl who was obsessed with the guy she'd never be able to be with... she became really, really aggravating. It caused her to have memories of the time in fifth and fourth grade she'd been made fun of... she hated that. She hated acting that way, and still blamed herself sometimes. She hated when other kids made fun of other ones. Especially when it drove them to do destructive things... it was nearly hypocritical.
He'd told her he didn't like her, and she started arguing. Maybe it was just over for them officially... she remembered the time that they'd chased each other around the library, the times he'd enter and cover her eyes, daring her to guess who it was, even though she'd always know, the little bear that she'd given him, even though it had probably been from one of those toy machines... she still had it.
She remembered awkwardly sitting on the Ferris Wheel together in their town's summer carnival... she remembered their intense online conversations about miserable things, trying to make him feel better, him being there when she was at her worst. Times when she'd been cruel to him. Times when she knew she'd hurt him badly. Times that she wouldn't admit that he'd hurt her.
She remembered the day when he'd walked up to her after admitting that she'd liked him on the swingset, about 7 days before school would get out of the sixth grade... just to get his friends to stop teasing her cruelly. She told herself, honestly, as she'd jumped off her swing and sped to the other side of the playground, at inhumane speed, in the kiddie area, and sat on the little kid car-bounce-horse-spring-thing, she thought to herself "If he comes, then I'll... go out with him, or whatever... But if he doesn't come for me... then I know... he doesn't like me back, and... yeah..." She was almost miserable, contemplating his reaction. But after some false hope from random girls running over to her without true concern expressed... he came. He came, and she wouldn't forget it. He called his friends assholes. And she couldn't say she disagreed at that time. The strangest of words, even the worst of them, even though they felt good... always remembered.
And still so many regrets...
So many changes. But not all of them were bad... even some of the bad ones could turn into good things. God takes ashes and turns them to beauty. She knew that there was a light guiding her through this all... she just had to let it in.
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