How could I do that to a friend. (A blog about... 'Jared'...okay, more my boy issues... that I created...)

New Characters:

Sherry- One of Jared's ex-girlfriends. They've been friends since pre-school, and they're still friends. She broke up with Jared because she liked another boy... and the other boy didn't like her back.

Mara- Another one of Jared's ex-girlfriends. The tensions between those two were very high when they were dating, with Jared's constant involvement with Kim, who was also dating Mark at the time. She held some hard feelings toward Kim for a while, but now they're back on good terms...

Rick- Currently likes/liked Rose. He used to like Kim, and was formerly Kim's boyfriend. The 'guy from her church'.

Kenny- One of Jared's friends. Friends with Kim. Though they once dated, and it hardly lasted a a week. They still remain friends.

Samuel- A guy. Called 'Sammie' by girl-ish nickname. A guy-friend of Kim who started going to her small-town school, his former Christian-Private-School innocence destroyed by public school. Sammica, Sammie... girly names are her nicknames for her. Used to live next door to Ella. A little bit of a sick sense of humor at times, yet admittedly, unfortunately, funny.
___________
I can't stand it anymore.

I have to do it. I'm going to hurt him more if I put it off. Or, maybe I'm just being selfish... gosh... I freakin' know I can make this work! I just gotta stop liking Mark. Which seems easier said than done. But I CAN control my emotions! It's not justified to break up with someone because you just want someone else. Because I can't keep my mind off of Mark. Even when I was with Jared! ON THE FREAKIN' FERRIS WHEEL. That is the Jared/Kim place! The first time he put his arm around me.... and Sherry was sitting right there. Just like how Mark and Kim kissed... on a ski-lift... and Rose was on the other seat... heh... wow, I do that a lot on suspended places with people sitting right next to me/guy... *sigh* I miss Rose... and her phone being turned on... it really feels like she moved now... *sigh*

I don't know what to do. Well, actually I do. In order to keep Jared happy, I would have to remain in a relationship with him, actually call him instead of trying to avoid him, and just... be there. And be a good girlfriend. WHO DOESN'T THINK SHE'S GOING TO EITHER CHEAT ON HIM OR BREAK HIS HEART IN SOME OTHER WAY.

I've hurt him before. Even when he didn't deserve it. I've said stupid things to him. But though he's had his share, I shouldn't just hurt him like that... It's not like he's forcing me to stay with him. I just can't let him go like that. But as you know, he's a friend. And even though I wanted to be with him a few times this year, maybe I did what Ella assumes she does. Projected my feelings on someone else. Back then... but even just a few weeks ago, I wanted to be with him again at the dance. But right after I knew Mark's friend, our awesome substitute teacher's younger brother (She's only 26... her younger brother goes to the same school as Mark and is in the same grade) was gone, THAT'S when my feelings for Jared hyped up. And I wanted him to dance with me. And I wanted his attention. And even though I was hurt that night because I thought he didn't want me, it seemed I was wrong, because we messaged each other, and we both decided to go out again.

How does that happen?!

In all honesty, I've been doubting trying this relationship again, since day 1. Our second (or third, if you wanna count the time I kept talking to him online...) try with this. (That debatably second time is an entirely different story...)

I didn't want to be like that quite yet with him. I wasn't ready, and I wasn't over Mark. It was my fault. And it's still my fault.

Like how Rose said she could see herself graduating here, because it had been the longest time she'd ever stayed in one place... (5 years...) and when she found out she had to move again, it made it all so much more real to me. So much sadder. Terribly so.

And so, even though Jared just jokingly mentioned something about '6 years later when I come to dinner and meet your parents...' and other details surrounding that... it just knocked things into perspective again. I hate that... constantly, constantly, I'm having moments that snap me back to something. Snap me back to reality. Back to the little land of dreams of mine... back to sanity... or insanity...

I can't believe I could hurt him like this. What am I gonna say?

"I'm sorry, but I'm still in love with Mark, even though he might not even like me anymore! And still hardly talks to me! When I call him... or see him in church... or even email him! I'm sorry, but bye!"

Yeah. Right.

I don't know... I could be honestly civilized... but... I... I don't want to hurt him. Even though it'll kill me to keep going with him, to have to end up kissing him, holding him, like he was my boyfriend again, the things I did as a 12 year old who only DREAMED of kissing and wrote about 'love'. I didn't know a thing. I still don't.

I can't believe myself... I already did this to Mark. To my other old boyfriends. Hurt them like that, even though they hardly knew. In sixth grade, I didn't know what having boyfriends and dating was. I just said 'let's go out' cuz I was desperate. Jared hooked us up. We were talking about being desperate for a boyfriend/girlfriend. And so there I was, with that kid's friend. I didn't yet admit I liked Jared then, but I guess it was weird... and then I flirted with this guy at my church. Because I was terrible back then. And I wasn't taking my relationship with Jared's friend seriously. I didn't know how yet. I was inexperienced and not used to having a commitment like that. I was just plain naiive. I'd been told I was flirtatious before. And I didn't understand. And I didn't want to like anyone. I just thought I was just talking... I HONESTLY didn't even realize what flirting was. I'm not even sure I get it quite yet.

And yet, I continued my stupidity. It led up to Jared. And I was going out with that kid from my church. Our youth group ended. I wouldn't see him unless I caught a glimpse of him at church. And I didn't go to first service then, so I wouldn't be able to see him anyway. And so when I started dating Jared for the first time, after admitting I liked him under sad circumstances (see 'Love: What It Means to Me'. The story about the a-hole friends comment, and little-kid variant playgrounds...). And so there we were. We dated the whole summer. This seems exactly like that.

Except it isn't at all.

Mark is constantly on my mind. He is my first boyfriend that I actually acted like a girlfriend with. The first boy who told me he loved me, called me pretty (outside my family...), and I felt attracted to in more than a crush-like manner. I was constantly trying to get him to communicate with him. We had a lot of similar interests. He had a subtle sense of humor, sometimes dark, at least playing games like Mafia and Killer (card roleplay games with... well, killers...), loved anime, INCLUDING Fruits Basket and Ouran High School Host Club, listened to Linkin Park (He listens to music according to his mood... which he stated, he listened to LP when he was depressed... but just the fact that he liked the band and listened to them without calling them a 'freakin' emo band' that 'only emos like', seemed to be enough for me...) and he was sad a lot... quiet... sensitive... yet, he was guy-ish too. Living with all his brother's. His family's split was tragical enough... his father's behavior as the cliche kinda 'rich guy who's always too busy with business' was just perfect. In so many ways, he resembled my mental romance novel boy. But I recently read something so applicable to me... on AvatarSpirit.Net, of all places. From a man who had his heart broken early, after a divorce of a two year marriage.

"At some point, you've got to let go of your fantasies and come back to the real world."

It seemed he didn't want to believe in love either, until it happened to him... which is understandable, considering his difficult position. I was playing girlfriend, while desperately wanting to help him. And yet, I wanted to just be his girlfriend too... after a while, I thought it got frustrating. I cried for him. I cried because I thought I messed up with him. Because he thought he hurt me, when he didn't. Because I pulled away from that kiss... it felt so awkward, my first kiss. It tasted weird too, if you want all honesty...

I kept snapping back to the real world in that relationship. And I said I loved him. But toward the end, everything seemed to be watering down... and I was getting involved, FAR too involved, with Jared, just online, just talking... but that was when him and I let ourselves go. We spoke so seriously online. I said I loved HIM, too, online. He said he loved me. I couldn't help but reciprocate. And truth be told, I wanted to... I do love him. I guess, just more in a platonic way, though. And though Mark and I are broken up, though I want us to be just friends, so I can still help him overcome whatever's going on, even though it seems so wrong to most people to be in any form of relationship with someone just to 'fix' them... I want to be with him.

Jared saw his future with me.

I saw my future with Mark. I dreamed about it, thought about it all the time while going out with him. I never doubted that we could work... even after all those years.

Though my heart longs for someone to be with forever, I was desperate to be so careful while going out with Mark. He'd done things a guy had never done before with me. Simple little things, normal things, you know? Put his arm around my waist, held my hand, then, when I decided it was uncomfortable to have him put his arm around my waist, he willingly moved to my shoulders, and I did the same. I didn't ever call him a dork. The only time I stereotyped him was back when Rose liked him, and plus, to us, it was a compliment, because we truly believed he was a (but mostly hot...) 'hawt emo guy'.

And he is. He really is.

But I like it... and I like him. Do I love him? I don't know...

I have so long to go. Even though, when I think about it, four years and I'll be in college. 10 and I'll be 23. So short... so little time... yet so much time. My teen years go fast. And slow. And I want someone to spend them with, but... is it time to find forever already? Do I really want that?

And what if I do something stupid? Will I go 9 months through school with no humor, background music, cute guys, attractive adoptive fathers for certain unborn children...? Will I do that? Would I do that? Would I go to a stupid party? And do something stupider? What will I mess up? How can I prevent it?

I don't wanna screw up either. Honestly, that's another subject entirely, and IF I ever got pregnant, and it was because I chose to do that with some guy, I'd have the child.

Just saying.

Anyway, back to the original topic.

*sigh*

I can't do this! I don't want to hurt my best guy friend, I don't know if Mark wants me back or if I'll stress him out, or if I'll ever learn to talk to him in a way that makes him want to talk to me with honest, truthful, long, liberating conversation, or if I'll ever be content with Jared as a boyfriend, or if I'll screw up, or if he'll try to make me screw up, or...

Gosh, I wish I lived in the age where none of this happened.

*sigh*

Oh well...

Lord, thank you for the people I know, for blessing me with the incredible people that I love. Please guide me through these difficult times... may I make decisions pleasing to you.

Amen.

*yawnz* Maybe I should go back to sleep... (Mission Trip rantness)

I'm tired cuz I got up at 7. Is that not pathetic? *sigh* *yaaaaaaaaaawn* Tiredness. Dx

Anyways, I decided to post a blog this morning. About... I dunno, we'll see.

I did one of my devotional thingies for the youth mission trip I'm doing in July... the little sections seem to be getting shorter, but the amount of pages for 'anticipation' remains the same, approximately 5 pages. But the reading devotion part things remains pretty long... the one I did today is about reverence. A deep respect. So, it spoke about how to show reverence to God, and the importance of showing reverence to higher authorities, like trip leaders, and local church leaders, and/or experienced mission trip peoples, on the trip. It'll be one interesting thing, I'll say that much. I've never been on a mission trip before, and although I'm not going out of the country, and about only... maybe anywhere between 5-8 hours out of the state, I know this is going to be a very different environment. And I'm good with that. I need to learn to be 'still' though, you know? Being at peace and having contentment with and in God is part of reverence to him... and so is listening to spiritual instruction, and praying to him.

So that's what I learned in my devotional today. (Our 'mission trip homework', heh...)

I miss Rose. (I hate coding right now... my brain does not have the capacity to code this morning... *yawn*) She is my bestest friend, and now her phone's like, dead or something, because she wasn't picking up yesterday... I hope everything's alright. (Her brother did something to the laptop, so she can't use that either... *headdesk*) I'm glad she's coming up in July for the trip though... even though the leaders will probably split everyone up. And I will show them reverence... even when I don't want to... but that's not right. Because I should want to. And I guess I do, if I do show them. I'll just miss hanging out with Rose all day, while working and stuffs... I heard it gets EXTREMELY hot over there... ugghhhh... South Dakota. And plus there's a dress code. DX Which means, even with temperatures, we are not permitted to wear any form of 'innappropriate' tank tops, or shorts... I don't need to worry about the shorts, cuz I don't wear shorts anyway, though I might want to once I get there. But the tops... yeah. My typical summer outfit:

Spaghetti strap tank top (with a built-in bra, so no need for extra... well, you know. And yes, those things still work for me, xP) and capris/skort.

I guess I'll be okay with it. Sweaty, but okay...

In all honesty, I'm really looking forward to this. It'll be like a week-long CareFest. Except, we're helping people directly... in Rapid City, South Dakota. It'll be a very new experience, and I think I'm going to like it. But I really do have a lot of spiritual preparation yet to do...

Well, talk at ya'll later.

-"Kim" (ALY)

Though It's Father's Day... I keep on dreamin' of stuff father's never want their daughters to go...(i.e. dating, and making out with lead singers...)

Yeah. Not the sick stuff, people. It IS, a Sunday. And yet I'm here. I couldn't go to Sunday School cuz my dad wanted to sleep in today, since it IS, Father's Day, and we were working at CareFest all day yesterday. (Carefest= http://www.rochestercarefest.org/ ) And even with that blog I made yesterday...

I literally dreamed I was making out with Mat Thiessen. Yes, that something year old, about 27, lead singer guy of Relient K... who is like, super, uberly, cute, and rather hawt-ish. I met him in a flippin' parking lot. (My dreams never make sense... at least realistically... ) I was spinning around with my friends, and I was like being a spazzy fangirl, and staring at him dreamily, and so obsessively, and yeah, he said he loved me. (O.o), and then all of a sudden, we were kissing... it was almost, like, in Juno, 'cept we had clothes on. O.eeeeeeeeee. And we were doing anything like that. Just making out. Really.

And yeah. Some dude, who was a singer of a band I just happened to like, saw the concert for last year, for the first time, started making out with me... and the sickest thing was, I think dream me enjoyed it. And he's like, 14 freakin' years older than me!!! O.O

O' course, my daycare lady married a man about 20 years older than her... but she's like, almost sixty, and... yeah. Weird, but somehow, it worked. I think it was her second marriage...

Weird, weird, and more weird. My dreams are messed up.

And yet, I have a boyfriend... and I'm happy with him... and I like him, and all, but... I keep thinking of someone else. And I just talked to them for 30 seconds last night. He never spoke to me, hardly, when we were dating anyway... but... I've been thinking of him so much. (Mark; Jared is Kim's current bf). Constantly. My heart was skipping, just as the phone was ringing. And I was ridiculously happy to hear his voice. T.T Not to mention, I kept watching the Japanese exchange student guy from my church... he's so cute. Though, he's like, at least 2-5 years older than me...

Ugggggggggghhhh.... I am so wrong. And I kept looking at attractive guys at CareFest yesterday... I just kept, watching them, you know. Cuz they were rather hot to me. And it's so WRONNNNNNNNNG. I have a flippin' boyfriend. Why am I so uncaring...?

I like him. I like Jared. But... I don't know why I just don't think of him the same anymore... maybe we waited a little too long to start dating again... *sigh*

A Reflection on A Funeral and Someone's Loss

I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack



I first heard this, or at least remember it the most recognizably, at a funeral. For someone whose son I hardly knew, and I probably had only seen him a couple of times in person... and never even spoke to him. I felt like I'd known him, just by what the pastor, or whoever spoke the longest up front said... I saw his daughter, my brother's age, walk up there, and say something. I was sitting on a higher level, but I saw the moisture in her eyes... his son, I don't exactly remember, but I'm not sure whether he came up there directly or not... I don't think he did, and if he did, I don't remember.



The song, "I Hope You Dance", was sung by someone I also didn't know... it didn't at all feel awkward to me, to be at a funeral that I felt I didn't know much. I was trying to pay respects, and to show my sympathies... at least without saying much. It made me silent. This whole thing. The first time I went to a funeral and comprehended it. It was last year, in sixth grade. We were allowed to walk to the church, along with our teacher, if we felt driven to go, for it was during the schoolday.



I couldn't believe it. It was horrible. Terrifyingly depressing. I just... I couldn't get myself to speak. I'd lost my ability to severely cry after a while, so I'd only almost cried... but almost crying is crying enough... if there are tears in your eyes for emotional purpose, it counts. I felt myself feeling empathy for this family. I felt a desperate need to reach out to his son, or anyone of them, in some way. But I wasn't someone close to them.



I had an almost morbid drive to write a poem about this. Any of it. I came up with one in my head, practically murmuring the words under my breath, when we got back to school. I didn't understand how the world could keep going when this family had lost someone so close, so important, so significant...



And I wrote the poem, about two weeks after. It wasn't like I imagined. But I'd written it.



A Family's Loss



A loving man

A life so great

Until it started

To fall, and break

A family's loss

A crying child

A grieving wife

A saddened son

His taken life



They were so close

But then they decided

To make a choice

To be apart

The children not

Understanding

Wondering why

They'd choose such a thing



A condition worse

Than cruel disease

Something that prevents

Enjoyment of life

A sadness deep

Yet almost hidden

Except by those so close

Who knew



Something he did

To try and stop it

But was unsuccessful

Pain worsening

So cold

Feeling so saddened

Every day, hurting

Nothing left

To do, but leave



His family grieving

Children's peers wondering

So many questions, answers unkown

And as the children are now crying

They will never forget

That loving man.



I didn't title it until I put it online, last November. It felt wrong... though I changed the dedication, so that it would be universal.



"These poems are a couple of older ones that I wrote when two students' and their families at my school experienced great loss. Dedicated to those who have had to go through things that the people from my school went through. I pray for you all every night, and hope for healing for all who have lost someone this important."



I think because I tried to make it universal, people would automatically come up with a natural cause for what had ocurred... and the only reason why this occasion was so terrible to me, was because this man had gone from something that couldn't be forgiven. And he'd left his family... like the poem said. He wasn't just taken... I don't know what to make of it. I know why, I can figure it out. Or not... but to watch someone go through that... and then to just hear it... that someone like that was gone, because of this. I don't ever know how his son managed. He seemed fine when he came back to school... I was extremely unstable in sixth grade, like, in the sense that I was pretty depressed and... dark..., so, I was amazed that he seemed fine. I think I almost wanted him to seem worse, looking over my diary, I think I wanted it for theatrical purpose, for writing something. And so I called myself psychotic and a whole bunch of other things I'd rather not talk about... but this isn't about me. I talked to the guidance counselor's sub (The other guidance counselor was out for a while), during a time, and referenced how surprising it was to see him so 'okay', during school, after what had just happened. And she explained that he probably has some times when he breaks down and maybe just cries when he thinks about it... I realized how wrong I'd been. I wasn't being empathetic, or compassionate, or even sympathetic then. I realized that he was probably mourning still, hurting terribly. And later on, now that I think about it, a lot of people think it's so wrong for a guy to cry in public... I realized, with loss, people will cover things up to make it seem they are strong, (while it's not weak to cry, or mourn, or feel hurt and show it), or for the sake of others, or they'll just go out and show the world how they feel, or they don't show it in public, or they close up completely... I've never experienced something so painful, so I don't know how it really feels, at least with that as a purpose.



I prayed for them every night for at least the next three months. Just silently, but I did. Though I was very selfish in the beginning, I wanted to do whatever I could to be there for them. I knew God was there for them. Even though they'd experienced a tragedy, he was there. I prayed for their faith, for their healing, for mercy and grace, and so much for healing... and I pray that they are recovering, though I know for sure, this is not something they will forget.



I don't know why I'm reliving this right now... This song. I continue listening to it right now. It felt like torture for a while. Even though it's a beautiful song, I always remember this when I hear it... Tommorrow, these guys aren't going to have their dad there... and I don't what I'd do without my dad. So I thank God for my family, for my father, especially, and for everything he's given me. For this beautiful life. Lord, don't ever let me do this... I pray for the future for all of us. I pray for the family I just wrote about. May they heal, Lord, and continue loving, and never forget what it's like. May they see Your love everyday.



Bless them, Lord, heal all who have suffered loss. Thank you for all the blessings you have granted my family, and all Lord. May we have hearts that please you.

Amen.

Random Update (Story Style)

Notes=
New Characters:

Bethany- Rose's younger sister. She is one year younger than Rose and everyone, and is going into Seventh Grade after the summer.

Wes- Rose's younger brother. He is the same age as David, Kim's little brother, and just about as obsessed with online RPGs.


I am sitting here on the computer on a Friday, on the first day of that dorky carnival thing that happens every June in my tiny, midwestern town for three days out of the year, knowing well that my best friend, Rose, is already out of state and on her way to getting to her new house in Florida. She sent me pictures. Her room DOES look like a 'prep's', but I think it looks cool... but I'm sure it'll be cooler when she's done redoing it.

This summer, she's coming back up in July to go on the youth mission trip with out church to South Dakota for a week, but... the original plan was to have her come up for a little while before or after, so the gang could all get together again... but her mom was suggesting that I, and maybe even Kris, come down to Florida instead, and then bring Beth and all us back on a plane. Which would, I must admit, be ridiculously fun, but I'd feel guilty and almost selfish (especially if Kris couldn't come...) for not taking Rose back and hanging out with her here in Minnesota, so everyone could hang with her, and she could revisit. So I'm still leaning toward that option... but it's more the parent's arrangements now. Whatever they think works best. *sighness*

Or, maybe they'll let Rose choose... that'd sound cliche, but it'd be rockin'sauce. 8) Plus, during the mission trip, all the church-eh pplz are all about seperating us into different groups so we're basically FORCED into meeting new people... which I really don't mind, but I'd rather spend more time with Rose, considering she's going to be in Florida.

Depressing stuff. It really is... Kris and I always mention it at least once in our phone calls... we haven't let ourselves cry over it yet, though...

I've got so many pics of her, her and I, and everyone... I made this, I think, even before I knew she was leaving... or maybe I did. Oh well. I've gotta get a tribute vid up for her. I think I'm going to use Photograph for that one too... that's Rose and I's song.

My first, and currently, ONLY, YouTube Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOc6GBKpLvo

Heh. It's a tradition of ours, starting on the first middle school retreat with her. We had her iPod, and we were driving home... and so we sang Photograph. The song ended perfectly, just at the moment our bus was exiting the wintery setting. We were messed up kids. Sixth graders. We wrote the worst fanfiction ever, this Teen Titans/Avatar crossover, and we were REALLY muffinly... (Muffins= suggestive; DEAL WIT IT) *sigh* She's an incredible writer. Just her fanfictioin tells me that. And everything else I've ever seen written by her... awesome singer. She knows exactly what to say when I need to hear it. My best friend. Sister, even, I could say. We never argued... we debated. Heh... But nothing petty. Really... deeper-ish stuff... only the important things. Like a real debate. *sigh* Maybe it didn't seem deep at the first subject, but once we delved in... no stopping. We normally cut those things off when it starts getting tense though... (I refuse to use past tense this time; I'm still going to talk to her, even though it won't be exactly the same. )

It still knocks the breath outta me to know, however, that she's not gonna be here like she would have been, if she was staying... I'm going to miss her. All of us are gonna miss her. A lot. A heck of a lot.

She's in my prayers...


((AN: WE LOVE YOU, ALLIE! WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU A LOT!!!!!! :'( <333 You ARE such a great friend to us, and we aren't going to forget you. Ever. And we're going to keep talking to you. As much as possible. Constantly. All the time. Best friends forever. ))

*sings loudly* SCHOOL'S... OUT... FOR.. SUMMAH! SCHOOL'S OUT FOR. EVAH!!! XD

Yup.

School just got out today. That song is in reference (I have no knowledge of 'classic rock', sorry... well, at least not as much knowledge as I possibly could...) to the Guitar Hero game we got to play in 'math class' today. We just had pretty much an entire day of PARTY at school today... it was pretty rockin'sauce.

Kim is now re-going out with Jared. (Grrr... reminds me of Jared from 'The Host'... WHY STEPHENIE, WHYYYYYYY?!) Anyway, they're together. XP Again. It's no problem... just that... yah... She may just have to take 'Jared' off of her list for receiving blog notification....

Anyway, The Host is a flippin' awesome book. 8)

But, of course, I am needing moralistic guidance. T.T Well, talk to ya'll later! *randomness'd*

Sorry it's been a while since I updated... IF I HAVE ANY READERS... xP

Kim is PMSing! YEY! XP

Mood swiiiiiiings.

8)

Anyway, I'm updating randomly. I have a dance this Friday. I have no guys willing to dance with me! WHEEEEE! I do have my friends though... <333 They rox. XD

I'm mood swingyyyyy.

Anyway, internet addiction is in full-blow, as I addictively post on my addictive roleplay with my friend...

I continue reading my Bible everyday, however. I've been reading a Proverb a day. I also read Song of Songs.

Well, random update hooray. ILY U PPL.

Another 'chapter' in the blog; PG-13, some private information revealed; read with caution. EXTREME CAUTION.

Kim never thought that this day would come.

She felt hated, all over again... like she was getting called a freak, or annoying or avoided just because of her weird behavior... just like in fifth grade. The weird kid obsessed with the weird shows no one liked and an annoying, obsessive crush on the kid in her grade. His name had also ironically been David. But the thing was, she was so obsessed with him, like in the manner that she managed to call herself obsessive compulsive.

Fifth grade basically crushed all her confidence.

Sixth grade seemed pretty miserable, ridiculously angsty, and morally unstable. (fortunately, no actual actions were done due to those... yeah... )

And now she felt like all that stuff was just falling back out at her.

Jared... she felt like he hated her. Him... out of all people...

She felt like one of the characters she wrote in roleplays, except without an actual cause for their honest-to-goodness almost PTSD... she was just feeling all of this all over again.

What to call it? Verbal abuse, anger issues... maybe just the fact that he had something else going on that made him all mad... Well, she couldn't really call it abuse or anything. They weren't dating, and he wasn't a bully. It didn't count. He HAD however been a little bit verbally abusive to his ex, Angela... but it was all Kim's fault. She had gotten in between them. She should have distanced herself, rather than let Jared make himself look like he was practically cheating on her. Angela said that Kim was all he talked about... and when she got angry or tried to say something, he'd just call her names (and behind her back also... most of the names started with a b and ended in itch... )

Kim knew better than to think that he was like this on his own. '...dad treats his mom like s***'... gave her a hint. She wanted to do whatever she could to get him out...

Reading 'Breathing Underwater' by Alex Flinn gave her a lot of insight... but books don't tell anything. And... maybe she did feel a little bullied. She never wanted to admit if he'd ever made her feel hurt before. Because he honestly didn't. But now....

Ugh, she was so overreactive.

There's none of that involved in what was going on right now... all that was going on right now... was simply another friendship breaking. Just tearing apart... so easily... even after all the 'I love you's' and the 'I'll wait for you's' and all the stuff she'd done to hurt him... she'd been so cold... she hated herself for it right now.

Hm. Sounded cliche. Maybe... no, no, overreaction... or was it denial?

Grrr, stupid fake MPD (Dr. Bob and Patient Kim... )

She wasn't pretending something bad wasn't... actually, yeah she was, but only from her parents... she knew her dad didn't approve of Jared enough, only because of a misunderstanding from last summer, but... yeah.

She began to rethink him. She knew that her Bible told her angry people are better to be avoided from... but it was lineage, she was sure it was...

She wanted to stop him from being that way...

But if he kept lashing out at her, or other people, what could she do? She wasn't a victim. She was just there... it was only on the internet that he said most things... angry and unhappy, depressed or... in love? Only in an IM or an email... but that was it...

And now...

It changed so easily. Something had to be up...

She felt arrogant for thinking this way. He liked her, and she didn't wanna believe that he'd stopped. She'd been using him as a backup...

No, she hadn't... she genuinely cared...

Ugh... such stupid argumentive thoughts. She wished she could just be confident again. And that she wasn't on her way to being overweight, or being hated by the best guy friend she'd ever had... how come they had ended up this way?

She knew she might even cry tommorrow if she had to reprint that poem for her English 4th quarter writing submission. Right at the last minute, she'd decided to use it instead of one of her excercises... she decided to use the poem she'd written the night Jared had told her of what had been going on and finally expressed how he felt... in an... expressive manner that had minimal and/or realistic swearing...

She had to pray about this. Maybe she did need to stay away from him... no matter how much she didn't want to...

Hi peepz. (It is late. I am tired. *yaaaaawn*)

This is a rant. A real, true, randomly random, rant.

I am addicted to Coldplay right now.

You know the top three depressing bands? Well, I have a rule against listening to them at night... (past experience... loooooooooong story... o.e) Due to listening to Evanescence at night causing one of my online friends' characters in an RP to be possessed, getting mentally scarred by listening to 'Bleed It Out' by Linkin Park, at like, 8:50 eastern, while in a car filled with people... and several other instances... I've learned those bands really aren't the best at night.

I actually discovered how amazering The Scientist- Coldplay was on that same night. And various other Coldplay songs... and the Fray... I listen to the Fray a lot before I go to bed... actually, as I fall asleep. XD I love them both. My nightleh bands... soft and prettyfulz, most of the time romantic, or reminiscent, of good times, and bad, and so loverly...

Roleplaying depressingly really puts you in a mood, man. Like, any writing dude, but like, yah... *sigh* I miss Troyn already... (Troy/Taryn; two characters in the RP I write with a couple of friends online) *sighness* :'( *sniff* toopid angsteh teenagers wiff suckeh lives in a screwed-up version of the US.... *sighzzzz*

Peace out, ya'll.

I feel really dumb right now. (depressing rant.)

I live by cliches. I write them. I've experienced them. I have the magical ability to put together the author's clues and background experience to make a good conclusion/inference/prediction. But I missed this. When any place medical CALLS BACK after a test is done on a patient, it means something is WRONG.

Why did I miss this? Even though I picked up?

"We're calling about your dad's x-rays..."

Yeah. I mean, I totally thought it was normal and okay. I was being all airheaded again. It could be the fact that I'm writing about romances breaking, and listening to Cinderella, and being a pessimist right now, but I have this feeling. That is often wrong. But... I always end up feeling like giving into it. Thinking negatively is terrible... and I do it when I think something could easily be really bad... But I've gotta give this up to God. I just... I need to bring my family closer to him right now. My parents are having issues. Again. xPPP You know, I always say that whole 'perfect family' crap, because I know compared to all the other people I know, we have it so darn good. (I resist swearing... I said it in my head, okay? Lord forgive me... ) And yet I'm complaining like a freakin' stupid angsty teenager! Which I should be. But I'm not. I don't wanna be one. Even though it's so flippin' easy.

*breathes* Ahhh, after a little bit of faking happiness, I'm good again. *sigh*

I love God... I... I know we'll have trials and everything. And I can't try to figure out his thoughts and what he wants to do with my life. Or my parents, or my brother, or my friends. I can't force anyone to follow him. And I can't be perfect... and not everyone in the world is going to like me... and I can't fix everyone... and I can't...

See, negativity.

I'm almost crying here, people.

*sigh*

I can, however, Follow God. I think this is one of those 'Hannah' (mother of Samuel from the Old Testament) moments that our Sunday School teacher was talking about. She's right... I mean, right now, I just need to get on my knees and pray. Give it all up to God...