Mood rings would go insane
Emotions, do they change?
Remembering bad times
Like sixth grade
An absorbent sponge of emotional OCD
Obssessive kid with wants for emo
Scarred by what seemed like rejection
Over an obssessive, stalker-like crush
A year before
Oh, self-pity has no benefits
Misery has no joy
You never wanna feel like that
It's pointless, a waste of time
So why spend a while thinking it over?
Mulling it over
On your mind?
Wondering how and why...
Why not drop the past and run?
When do the 'psychological anylasis' techniques run dry?
Why not face the future, keep on moving
Then make everything behind you seem like blood and dust?
Tears, tears, cried
7 seconds that the devil almost took my mind
I ran downstairs and picked up my Day-By-Day Children's Bible
The girl knew to read the Bible with a purpose
The verse she found out of a random opening
It was about loving others, serving others
And the treasures in Heavan she would receive
Oh gosh, she knew
She wouldn't waste her time with selfishness like that
But mulling it over, over a year
Keeping it silent
Away from the parents
Talked to the guidance counselor everyday after lunch
By choice of course, the only person she knew who would do that
Read the stories in the Chicken Soup books over and over
Teen and Girl's editions
Cutting and anorexia and bullimia they recovered from
Diary entries of self-deprecating words
Superheaddesk to her now
Why is she thinking of it all again?!
No, no, she won't let it return
Her friends need her help most
Her own problems shouldn't even resurface
Shouldn't even HAVE a surface
What is the purpose of this poem?
Of this blog?
Self-pity, is it again? Someone else's attention?
Why doubt herself like this?
ARGH, she doesn't want the attention...
The shrink shouldn't have problems
Now, she knows she should turn to the Lord
She needs to keep on praying, and not to listen to the lies
She needs to stop her doubting, and not give into those lies!
Society says otherwise, everywhere she turns!
Online debates tell her no and no and no, and the people
Why do they all not believe in Truth?
Love is supposed to go to everyone
"Love the person, not the sin."
And that is what she tries to do
Strives to do
"Speak the Truth, no matter what."
And that's what she strives to do
But the frustration is eating at her again
And the lies are so much easier
Sinful heart wants its ways to be satisfied
But she can't let it happen
She cries out again and again to the Lord
And He's there
The verse they tell her again and again
The one He speaks to her
"Be still and know that I am God."
Be still, be still, be still...
Brain works on overtime
Hearts are confused
Exchange worry for prayer
Give it up, and don't hold onto what you were supposed to let go
Lay your burdens on Him.
But why does she hold on again and again?!
Time to blast Flyleaf
"You are the Truth,
Outscreaming these lies
You are the Truth
Saving my life"
Put your burdens on Him... like the skit in Sunday school class...
No, no more of these thoughts
Let it all go to Him.
---
Ahem. Second poem thing now. (a series of smaller poems associated into one... big poem-thing...)
-----------
Painfully listening to them speak
About their lives
And then they won't speak
When you think they need it
Seperate patient from friend
They need a listening ear
She's probably busy
Does she need to talk?
I'm not entirely sure.
And then another
Struggling, so much, internally
Not knowing the Truth spiritually
All I can do is keep on praying.
If I'm supposed to speak the Truth,
100% of the time...
I should stop being so intimidated?
Is that the word?
Don't let her own thoughts matter
In telling her what is True.
Do not hesitate to say The Bible is all facts.
Do not hesitate.
Let the Holy Spirit speak to her, like they've all told you is right.
If she does not accept, let it go...
It's all their choice...
You can't change a person's mind.
Don't ever bring up that topic again
In that room.
You saw her flinch when you said the word, mentioned the 'sucky' debate
You and your other friend did online.
Don't ever say that word again.
Even though you didn't mention it directly
Even though it was about those you felt unjust bitterness toward
Due to their bashing of the Truth, of the Bible, of God Himself,
Though you spoke your words because they wouldn't face it in that debate
Don't mention abortion again.
Don't say the word around her.
Is that wrong, to think this way?
To not want to remind of her the pain?
Don't ever say that word again, not around her?
Change your opinions?
Should you?
No... a human life, is a life,
But...
Just don't say it again...
Soft-spoken, shy, desperate?
What does she want in her life?
Self-esteem issues...
But is she a little selfISH?
Who am I to think that way?
When I can be the same...
She quit going to her youth group...
I should've tried to talk to her more about that...
Rather than let myself brush the subject,
To listen to the rest of her crush-story...
Right as she needed to hang up.
-------------
Endy Poem-thing-maybe?
(references 'The Shrink' poem)
Yes, the shrink really sucks at her 'job'
A lot
Not only sometimes
Speak up, she needs to
But sometimes she talks too much...
Balance, she's tried to learn
And she's still got a ways to go
But she plans to keep on going
Keep on praying
Keep on loving
Because that's what she's here for.
--------------------------------------
*breathes*
That feels much better. I love you guys. :) God Bless. :)
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Books I read/read and why I write.
GAH.
I really have been procrastinating... in fact, some of the assignments, I wasn't hardly aware of. Like, I might have been heard of it once, from a couple of other people, and then never remembered that it was due/or becoming due.
This weekend, I think I might end up just doing HOMEWORK. o.ee Leanne's not gonna be home/availible for talking.
It feels like a Friday night.
*sigh*
Anyway...
Breathing Underwater is an amazing book by Alex Flinn about an abusive guy... and his family, and his friends, his school, his anger-management classes, and his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know everyone loves reading those books... xP. But honestly... really amazing book. *spoilersaheadforpeoplewhowillstillreadthisbook* He grew up with an abusive father, however, he never looks it. Everyone in his school thinks he's got a perfect life, big house, great car, on the football team, popular... but, he really doesn't. He's smart. He's 'attractive'. He seems like a great guy...
But, he realizes that he's got something more from his dad than just those green eyes, staring him down in the mirror every morning.
Enter, Caitlin McCourt, his "dream girl". Pretty, smart, and with issues of her own, she walks into his life, and he falls in love. Or, so it seems. He saves her from a Junior in High School at a party, beating him up, and they kiss for the first time. "...I was right. Hers was the kiss that mattered." he writes, in his journal, assigned to him from the judge at the beginning of the book, when Caitlin gets a restraining order upon him.
He walks around the school, his friends scorning him, no one daring to speak to him, Caitlin's best friend Elsa, writing on a board in English "GO NICK! BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!", many kids giving him comments, speaking that they wrote it. He practices strategies of controlling himself, and writing in the journal, simply wanting to recall the good times. With him and Caitlin. Happy, together...
That's just a little preview of the book I got all together, and ya know... you gotta read it.
I am one of the few sadistic people who would sit and say "I wanna write a problem novel." out of good purpose, but yeah, I would sit down and say that.
This past year ('07-early '08), books that have influenced some of the darker parts of my writing, as well as some books that really made me think/cry/wanna cry: Cut by Patricia McCormick (wanting to understand cutters, having friends and acquiantences [sp?] with such experience...), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (the main character is also a selective mute, who was raped), Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn (the author being a girl, inspired to write 'Breathing Underwater' after volunteering at a battered woman's shelter), A Corner of the Universe by Ann M. Martin (a Juvenile Novel, yet, just as powerful and beautiful and tragic as any 'higher level' YA novel, about a recently-turned 12 year old girl, named Hattie Owen, in 1960, meeting and befriending her 20 year old uncle, who had just been released from a mental institution, for a condition diagnosed as a mix of autism and schizophrenia, whose perfectionist parents locked him away, in order not to ruin their family's reputation, looking down at their daughter's marriage of a dreamer artsy-type and boarding home business. Her uncle, Adam, seems just like a child at heart, kind, different, yet a true friend to her. She learns many things from him, and yet, in the end, tragedy strikes, but her learning to treat others with kindness and compassion is not forgotten. *tryingnottospoilhere...GOODBOOK.READIT.*), Rules by Cynthia Lord (another good juve. novel, much lighter, yet still featuring a 12-year-old female protagonist, a character with autism, this time, her little brother, and a physically disabled and mute boy who becomes a very close friend to the girl. Another great book. Lots of similar themes to 'A Corner of the Universe', yet, more concentrated on the themes of treating people the same, no matter how they look, the way they act. And not being afraid to be different, as well, because a lot of people won't stand up for people who are different, no matter how or why they're different. Just not fitting into that convenient little pocket of stereotype everyone wants to be in is enough for some people to reject you, and that's stupid. *sorryaboutmyADDsubjectchanges,but...yah.Seriously.*)
Other writing/thoughts of writing influences:
-That one email that inspired "Haunted"
-My personal life (Random events)
-My friends' personal lives *DON'TSHOOTME!* *hides*
-Life in general
-"Political" issues (the kind of stuff that would influence voters in the 'run' this year; things like abortion, gay rights, etc., etc. *pro-life,ibelievepeoplearepeople,fetusesareahumanlife,peoplesin,peopleMAKECHOICES,and...probablyrepublican.*sigh**)
-People around me
-'The issues' (a few of them listed in 'political issues', which, they may be the same, but... I'm gonna just make this seperate. Things like drugs, abuse, other addictions, teen pregnancy, etc. )
-Mental disorders
-GOD
My faith really is at the core. I accept that there is darkness in the world, and that's something that needs to change. I realize things, I am aware. And I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save us from this darkness, our sins. I believe in redemption. All the unwritten endings in my mind aren't entirely unhappy. They're endings that end with hope and redemption and faith and love. And like in real life, though it's difficult for me to do at times, not all characters have the happiest endings. If I actually got to writing, there is that light... in the darkness. My characters will not end up miserable forever. They relapse, yes, they get stressed out, they get depressed, but their desire to change, their efforts, they are not in vain in the end. I like triumphant endings. I like happy endings. I LOVE "happily ever afters". And I believe everyone can have a happy ending, if they put their faith in Him and do His will.
My problem in writing truly is discipline; it's not as though I lack inspiration. Truly, every little thing can be an inspiration to me. I just need to get working at it, work harder, try harder, do what the english teacher says about adjectives and adverbs and spelling and organization and all that... take every little thing to improve my writing seriously.
God Bless you all. :) Love ya!
- Aly
I really have been procrastinating... in fact, some of the assignments, I wasn't hardly aware of. Like, I might have been heard of it once, from a couple of other people, and then never remembered that it was due/or becoming due.
This weekend, I think I might end up just doing HOMEWORK. o.ee Leanne's not gonna be home/availible for talking.
It feels like a Friday night.
*sigh*
Anyway...
Breathing Underwater is an amazing book by Alex Flinn about an abusive guy... and his family, and his friends, his school, his anger-management classes, and his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know everyone loves reading those books... xP. But honestly... really amazing book. *spoilersaheadforpeoplewhowillstillreadthisbook* He grew up with an abusive father, however, he never looks it. Everyone in his school thinks he's got a perfect life, big house, great car, on the football team, popular... but, he really doesn't. He's smart. He's 'attractive'. He seems like a great guy...
But, he realizes that he's got something more from his dad than just those green eyes, staring him down in the mirror every morning.
Enter, Caitlin McCourt, his "dream girl". Pretty, smart, and with issues of her own, she walks into his life, and he falls in love. Or, so it seems. He saves her from a Junior in High School at a party, beating him up, and they kiss for the first time. "...I was right. Hers was the kiss that mattered." he writes, in his journal, assigned to him from the judge at the beginning of the book, when Caitlin gets a restraining order upon him.
He walks around the school, his friends scorning him, no one daring to speak to him, Caitlin's best friend Elsa, writing on a board in English "GO NICK! BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!", many kids giving him comments, speaking that they wrote it. He practices strategies of controlling himself, and writing in the journal, simply wanting to recall the good times. With him and Caitlin. Happy, together...
That's just a little preview of the book I got all together, and ya know... you gotta read it.
I am one of the few sadistic people who would sit and say "I wanna write a problem novel." out of good purpose, but yeah, I would sit down and say that.
This past year ('07-early '08), books that have influenced some of the darker parts of my writing, as well as some books that really made me think/cry/wanna cry: Cut by Patricia McCormick (wanting to understand cutters, having friends and acquiantences [sp?] with such experience...), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (the main character is also a selective mute, who was raped), Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn (the author being a girl, inspired to write 'Breathing Underwater' after volunteering at a battered woman's shelter), A Corner of the Universe by Ann M. Martin (a Juvenile Novel, yet, just as powerful and beautiful and tragic as any 'higher level' YA novel, about a recently-turned 12 year old girl, named Hattie Owen, in 1960, meeting and befriending her 20 year old uncle, who had just been released from a mental institution, for a condition diagnosed as a mix of autism and schizophrenia, whose perfectionist parents locked him away, in order not to ruin their family's reputation, looking down at their daughter's marriage of a dreamer artsy-type and boarding home business. Her uncle, Adam, seems just like a child at heart, kind, different, yet a true friend to her. She learns many things from him, and yet, in the end, tragedy strikes, but her learning to treat others with kindness and compassion is not forgotten. *tryingnottospoilhere...GOODBOOK.READIT.*), Rules by Cynthia Lord (another good juve. novel, much lighter, yet still featuring a 12-year-old female protagonist, a character with autism, this time, her little brother, and a physically disabled and mute boy who becomes a very close friend to the girl. Another great book. Lots of similar themes to 'A Corner of the Universe', yet, more concentrated on the themes of treating people the same, no matter how they look, the way they act. And not being afraid to be different, as well, because a lot of people won't stand up for people who are different, no matter how or why they're different. Just not fitting into that convenient little pocket of stereotype everyone wants to be in is enough for some people to reject you, and that's stupid. *sorryaboutmyADDsubjectchanges,but...yah.Seriously.*)
Other writing/thoughts of writing influences:
-That one email that inspired "Haunted"
-My personal life (Random events)
-My friends' personal lives *DON'TSHOOTME!* *hides*
-Life in general
-"Political" issues (the kind of stuff that would influence voters in the 'run' this year; things like abortion, gay rights, etc., etc. *pro-life,ibelievepeoplearepeople,fetusesareahumanlife,peoplesin,peopleMAKECHOICES,and...probablyrepublican.*sigh**)
-People around me
-'The issues' (a few of them listed in 'political issues', which, they may be the same, but... I'm gonna just make this seperate. Things like drugs, abuse, other addictions, teen pregnancy, etc. )
-Mental disorders
-GOD
My faith really is at the core. I accept that there is darkness in the world, and that's something that needs to change. I realize things, I am aware. And I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save us from this darkness, our sins. I believe in redemption. All the unwritten endings in my mind aren't entirely unhappy. They're endings that end with hope and redemption and faith and love. And like in real life, though it's difficult for me to do at times, not all characters have the happiest endings. If I actually got to writing, there is that light... in the darkness. My characters will not end up miserable forever. They relapse, yes, they get stressed out, they get depressed, but their desire to change, their efforts, they are not in vain in the end. I like triumphant endings. I like happy endings. I LOVE "happily ever afters". And I believe everyone can have a happy ending, if they put their faith in Him and do His will.
My problem in writing truly is discipline; it's not as though I lack inspiration. Truly, every little thing can be an inspiration to me. I just need to get working at it, work harder, try harder, do what the english teacher says about adjectives and adverbs and spelling and organization and all that... take every little thing to improve my writing seriously.
God Bless you all. :) Love ya!
- Aly
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Once a week, I tolded j00. I SOWWIE FOR TAKING LONG! DX *hug* Today: SEE YOU AT THE POLE.
http://www.calvaryefc.org/content/view/1314/911/
That's what I did this morning at my school's flagpole. We prayed about a couple students and teachers, and we sang and prayed around the flagpole... it was pretty awesome. :)
I gotta get back on track, though. :-/
I read my Bible during school today. I decided not to take my other 'outside reading' books to classes today, and just took my Bible instead. I've been reading John. It's very good... lots of stuff to think about. People were really against Jesus back then... it's similar to the way things are now. There were more 'Pharisees' back then, and though there are MANY hypocrites (sp?) in Christianity, there a lot of people picking and choosing things in the Bible to believe, and not believe. As well as MANY people who just don't want to believe... it's really sad to me. :-/
(haven't figured out his codename yet) This one guy, I sit next to in English, nice dude, funny, tried too hard on YouTube, yet apparently, it worked, because he has lots of viewers now, or a modest amount, either way. Anyway, his broken ankle just healed up... and then he broke his arm last night. O.O Yah. Sucks for him. D: We prayed for him at See You at the Pole today... and this other girl. *sigh* I really gotta get up with that bullying problem. Mrs. Waver said she'd see me today... and I had a health test, so I couldn't come... xP And tommorrow she wants me to come during study hall (which is called 'target'... we normally specify some certain things we have to do in Target, so we don't always get to just freely do homework or throw papers at each other. o.e)
And... I might be getting a crush on Sam #1. o.o
Ella's gonna spazzkeel meh. T.T
Writer's block kills. o.o
I need to get back to homework... MY PROCRASTINATION SYNDROME CAME BACK! D':
God Bless you all. :) ^^ Love ya! ^^
-Aly "Kim", "Alyce", etc...
That's what I did this morning at my school's flagpole. We prayed about a couple students and teachers, and we sang and prayed around the flagpole... it was pretty awesome. :)
I gotta get back on track, though. :-/
I read my Bible during school today. I decided not to take my other 'outside reading' books to classes today, and just took my Bible instead. I've been reading John. It's very good... lots of stuff to think about. People were really against Jesus back then... it's similar to the way things are now. There were more 'Pharisees' back then, and though there are MANY hypocrites (sp?) in Christianity, there a lot of people picking and choosing things in the Bible to believe, and not believe. As well as MANY people who just don't want to believe... it's really sad to me. :-/
(haven't figured out his codename yet) This one guy, I sit next to in English, nice dude, funny, tried too hard on YouTube, yet apparently, it worked, because he has lots of viewers now, or a modest amount, either way. Anyway, his broken ankle just healed up... and then he broke his arm last night. O.O Yah. Sucks for him. D: We prayed for him at See You at the Pole today... and this other girl. *sigh* I really gotta get up with that bullying problem. Mrs. Waver said she'd see me today... and I had a health test, so I couldn't come... xP And tommorrow she wants me to come during study hall (which is called 'target'... we normally specify some certain things we have to do in Target, so we don't always get to just freely do homework or throw papers at each other. o.e)
And... I might be getting a crush on Sam #1. o.o
Ella's gonna spazzkeel meh. T.T
Writer's block kills. o.o
I need to get back to homework... MY PROCRASTINATION SYNDROME CAME BACK! D':
God Bless you all. :) ^^ Love ya! ^^
-Aly "Kim", "Alyce", etc...
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Life and all that stuff.
*sigh*
I don't wanna complain. I take this all as an opportunity to be a really great friend, show Jesus' love and compassion, and bring these people to Christ. Like this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh2IRvavyms
*sigh*
But... *sigh* I really... I know what I need to do, but carrying it out, you know? It's kinda hard. When I found out what I did last week about them, I cried and prayed all the way home. And then I cried and prayed some more and told my other friend about them... I'm just so stupidly distracted by lots of selfish things. I really have to try and give it all up for God, and for those friends.
Yeah. Sorry about that... just what's been on my mind for a little while...
Okay, quite a while.
I have to change.
I don't wanna complain. I take this all as an opportunity to be a really great friend, show Jesus' love and compassion, and bring these people to Christ. Like this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh2IRvavyms
*sigh*
But... *sigh* I really... I know what I need to do, but carrying it out, you know? It's kinda hard. When I found out what I did last week about them, I cried and prayed all the way home. And then I cried and prayed some more and told my other friend about them... I'm just so stupidly distracted by lots of selfish things. I really have to try and give it all up for God, and for those friends.
Yeah. Sorry about that... just what's been on my mind for a little while...
Okay, quite a while.
I have to change.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEANNE! ^^
This is an image of a stuffed goat. <3>
I hope you like it!
LYLAS!
-Aly-chan
Writer's Block and Music tastes of years passed up until now
I think I'm going to try and write some more stories, so I can get my writing juices all mixed together. I may eventually, also, make a seperate blog just for stories, original/fanfiction, etc.
However, I have discovered another bout of writer's block. o.ee
My english teacher said:
"Good writers write what they know."
o.e
Yey what I know...
*sigh* Last time I wrote something half-decent, that wasn't roleplaying, was on the Mission Trip with Rose... we developed a tradition of writing stories together when we wrote a fanfiction together, Avatar: The Last Airbender/Teen Titans crossover... good tiiimes.
I used to always write fanfiction. Anyway, that story was about a boy named Hisoka, and a girl who also had a Japanese name that I don't remember at the moment... *sigh* It sounded pretty interesting, but we didn't finish, as we had several times before. Pshyah. Whenever I wrote/write with Rose, I write. I'm good. It's like... she's a muse, or something, xD
Weird, but true, at times.
Back then, we stole her iPod a lot. Favorite music back during sixth grade, was Evanescence, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, I do believe. Lots of pop stuff too, but the good Pop, Pop Rock, like Kelly Clarkson. Back then I was waaay tolerant to radio most of the time, though, also. I memorized certain Fergie and Black Eyed Peas songs of the radio... o.e interesting times.
7th grade was kind of more stuff like Linkin Park and Simple Plan and Good Charlotte, MCR, some more soft rock-y stuff, like Coldplay, also. Lots of other stuff too. Less tolerance to rap/hip-hop, and I just kinda stopped listening to it...
Lately, I've been listening to quite a bit of Flyleaf, Relient K again (their new stuff), Coldplay, Casting Crowns. Those are my most frequently-listened-to bands at the moment...
I'm bored/depressedish due to something I've discovered/missing Rose, but better now that she ish on teh phone wiff me...
God Bless, guys. :)
However, I have discovered another bout of writer's block. o.ee
My english teacher said:
"Good writers write what they know."
o.e
Yey what I know...
*sigh* Last time I wrote something half-decent, that wasn't roleplaying, was on the Mission Trip with Rose... we developed a tradition of writing stories together when we wrote a fanfiction together, Avatar: The Last Airbender/Teen Titans crossover... good tiiimes.
I used to always write fanfiction. Anyway, that story was about a boy named Hisoka, and a girl who also had a Japanese name that I don't remember at the moment... *sigh* It sounded pretty interesting, but we didn't finish, as we had several times before. Pshyah. Whenever I wrote/write with Rose, I write. I'm good. It's like... she's a muse, or something, xD
Weird, but true, at times.
Back then, we stole her iPod a lot. Favorite music back during sixth grade, was Evanescence, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, I do believe. Lots of pop stuff too, but the good Pop, Pop Rock, like Kelly Clarkson. Back then I was waaay tolerant to radio most of the time, though, also. I memorized certain Fergie and Black Eyed Peas songs of the radio... o.e interesting times.
7th grade was kind of more stuff like Linkin Park and Simple Plan and Good Charlotte, MCR, some more soft rock-y stuff, like Coldplay, also. Lots of other stuff too. Less tolerance to rap/hip-hop, and I just kinda stopped listening to it...
Lately, I've been listening to quite a bit of Flyleaf, Relient K again (their new stuff), Coldplay, Casting Crowns. Those are my most frequently-listened-to bands at the moment...
I'm bored/depressedish due to something I've discovered/missing Rose, but better now that she ish on teh phone wiff me...
God Bless, guys. :)
Friday, September 12, 2008
Haunted (inro/beginning/part 1/etc.; the story based on the morbid email; read note for more detail.
Author's Note: Remember the morbid story I said was inspired by that morbid email? Well, I'm writing it now. May I warn you, that this is a very roughly written draft/thing that I probably won't edit before publishing here. If you notice any conventional (grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.) mistakes, let me know. Other than that, just tell me what you think.
Another warning: THIS STORY IS SAD. o.e Also rather dark, dealing with situations that involving suicide, self-injury, death, school, and perhaps selective mutism. So, please read at your own disgression.
The email was about a girl who was called ugly and undatable by a boy she liked, a boy afraid of what his friends would think, and who supposedly killed herself by slitting her wrists, cutting her face, and perhaps also drowning herself. It was titled "NO GIRL DESERVES TO HAVE THIS TOLD TO HER!" which I agree with.
But I knew that that was not the whole story, if the story were true, or not...
What about her family? Her mother, the only mentioned parent in the email? Friends? Her school, community? And of course, the boy. The aftermath of this girl's tragic and avoidable death. There was so much more to it than this, shock value, how terribly destroyed that girl's self-esteem was.
I kept thinking. And I got to writing.
-------
You lied to her.
Look what happened now.
No... no, this couldn't...
You killed her.
It wasn't true. It wasn't murder. He did lie.
But she was gone... forever....
Haunting you...
---
Those words on the mirror. Why did she never tell them?! How could this have happened?!
Marley didn't think she could handle this... She didn't even know. She didn't even know what was happening to her friend. The shock would never wear off to her...
"Am I pretty enough now?"
She couldn't even bear go to that funeral. But she had to.
She did, barely making it out of the church... no one ever used the word... why the casket was closed...
She couldn't even think of that word.
Death was always a sad, miserable thing. But it was an incredible, deep, pain when it's someone you loved. Kristen.... she was practically her sister. Gone. Forever. She didn't even get the chance to turn 14.
Her lost life in her own hands...
She could never think of her dear friend that way...
---
Jess locked herself in her room, trying to blank out, blasting Linkin Park, then Flyleaf, Evanescence, My Chemical Romance, and then more Linkin Park, shutting up her brain, and damaging her ears, silencing her emotions.
She didn't believe it. She wouldn't believe it.
Whatever screwed up the people in these bands, excluding Flyleaf, couldn't have been worse than what had just happened.
She wouldn't believe it.
On Monday, she would go to school, and talk to her best friends, Kristen, Marley, and Sandra, like nothing had happened, BECAUSE NOTHING HAD.
She refused to go earlier. She wouldn't believe it.
Her parents tried to get past her locked door... she couldn't even hear them knock. She turned up her mp3, earbud headphones that curled over the back of her ear, with powerful amplification, made her music louder.
Her eyes betrayed her, tears slipping through them, as hard as she held them back... she wanted to call her. Ask her what was wrong. Apologize for anything she might have done, comfort her, call Sandra, have her help...
But that part of her inside, knew she would never be able to do that again.
----
Sandra prayed, she cried, and prayed. And then she laid in bed, just laying there, staring up at the ceiling, her shoulder-length, dark brown, hair sprawled out on her pillow. She had changed as soon as she got home, half-wanting to burn that black skirt and jacket she'd worn... maybe she wouldn't remember as well.
How could she be gone? Why...?
She turned toward her pillow, curling up beneath her sheets, and crying once again... too many questions... she knew it happened. It was just too much, though... she asked why, again, and again...
She couldn't believe she was gone...
Bzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzzzzz, Bzz...
She reached for her phone, sniffing slightly. "Hello?" she said, quietly, coughing slightly to clear her throat from the hoarseness it had from crying so much.
No answer, but someone else's sobbing over the phone... Marley. A hangup.
And then a ring of a doorbell. Her parents opening the door, their footsteps below, and then someone else's, no doubt, rushing up there. Marley...
The friends through their arms around each other, crying, and holding each other, not even caring anymore... they couldn't hold back their tears. This was all too real to them...
---
Jess opened her window, sneaking out the back, and down the gutters, through Sandy's backyard, and through their back door. Marley was already there....
She snuck up there deliberately, still holding back her own tears...
The door creaked open, the sound her friends' sobbing much too loud, and she couldn't hold back any longer.... she put her arms around the both of them, and cried silently.
They were undoubtedly missing someone... someone they weren't getting back... it seemed incomplete. And so they cried, not saying a word, while they held each other close, afraid to let go...
Another warning: THIS STORY IS SAD. o.e Also rather dark, dealing with situations that involving suicide, self-injury, death, school, and perhaps selective mutism. So, please read at your own disgression.
The email was about a girl who was called ugly and undatable by a boy she liked, a boy afraid of what his friends would think, and who supposedly killed herself by slitting her wrists, cutting her face, and perhaps also drowning herself. It was titled "NO GIRL DESERVES TO HAVE THIS TOLD TO HER!" which I agree with.
But I knew that that was not the whole story, if the story were true, or not...
What about her family? Her mother, the only mentioned parent in the email? Friends? Her school, community? And of course, the boy. The aftermath of this girl's tragic and avoidable death. There was so much more to it than this, shock value, how terribly destroyed that girl's self-esteem was.
I kept thinking. And I got to writing.
-------
You lied to her.
Look what happened now.
No... no, this couldn't...
You killed her.
It wasn't true. It wasn't murder. He did lie.
But she was gone... forever....
Haunting you...
---
Those words on the mirror. Why did she never tell them?! How could this have happened?!
Marley didn't think she could handle this... She didn't even know. She didn't even know what was happening to her friend. The shock would never wear off to her...
"Am I pretty enough now?"
She couldn't even bear go to that funeral. But she had to.
She did, barely making it out of the church... no one ever used the word... why the casket was closed...
She couldn't even think of that word.
Death was always a sad, miserable thing. But it was an incredible, deep, pain when it's someone you loved. Kristen.... she was practically her sister. Gone. Forever. She didn't even get the chance to turn 14.
Her lost life in her own hands...
She could never think of her dear friend that way...
---
Jess locked herself in her room, trying to blank out, blasting Linkin Park, then Flyleaf, Evanescence, My Chemical Romance, and then more Linkin Park, shutting up her brain, and damaging her ears, silencing her emotions.
She didn't believe it. She wouldn't believe it.
Whatever screwed up the people in these bands, excluding Flyleaf, couldn't have been worse than what had just happened.
She wouldn't believe it.
On Monday, she would go to school, and talk to her best friends, Kristen, Marley, and Sandra, like nothing had happened, BECAUSE NOTHING HAD.
She refused to go earlier. She wouldn't believe it.
Her parents tried to get past her locked door... she couldn't even hear them knock. She turned up her mp3, earbud headphones that curled over the back of her ear, with powerful amplification, made her music louder.
Her eyes betrayed her, tears slipping through them, as hard as she held them back... she wanted to call her. Ask her what was wrong. Apologize for anything she might have done, comfort her, call Sandra, have her help...
But that part of her inside, knew she would never be able to do that again.
----
Sandra prayed, she cried, and prayed. And then she laid in bed, just laying there, staring up at the ceiling, her shoulder-length, dark brown, hair sprawled out on her pillow. She had changed as soon as she got home, half-wanting to burn that black skirt and jacket she'd worn... maybe she wouldn't remember as well.
How could she be gone? Why...?
She turned toward her pillow, curling up beneath her sheets, and crying once again... too many questions... she knew it happened. It was just too much, though... she asked why, again, and again...
She couldn't believe she was gone...
Bzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzzzzz, Bzz...
She reached for her phone, sniffing slightly. "Hello?" she said, quietly, coughing slightly to clear her throat from the hoarseness it had from crying so much.
No answer, but someone else's sobbing over the phone... Marley. A hangup.
And then a ring of a doorbell. Her parents opening the door, their footsteps below, and then someone else's, no doubt, rushing up there. Marley...
The friends through their arms around each other, crying, and holding each other, not even caring anymore... they couldn't hold back their tears. This was all too real to them...
---
Jess opened her window, sneaking out the back, and down the gutters, through Sandy's backyard, and through their back door. Marley was already there....
She snuck up there deliberately, still holding back her own tears...
The door creaked open, the sound her friends' sobbing much too loud, and she couldn't hold back any longer.... she put her arms around the both of them, and cried silently.
They were undoubtedly missing someone... someone they weren't getting back... it seemed incomplete. And so they cried, not saying a word, while they held each other close, afraid to let go...
Blawg tyme (school and stuffs)
New characters:
Dana- a girl from school, who's firsthand experienced 'relational aggression' of the other girls, experienced their bullying, and I do believe has equally gone up against other girls
Mrs. Waver- Guidance counselor for middle school. Awesome woman who has spoken to me (Kim/Alyce) and helped me through many things throughout middle school, as well as made me think a whole lot, and honestly, genuinely cares about the students
Mr. Novelten: Youngish principal guy, around maybe his forties, with kids of his own, formerly just the Middle School principal, now the K-8 guy, due to unfortunate school cutting stuffs.
Trista- A friend I've known since first grade, when she first moved here, moving from someplace else to here, another town, and then ANOTHER town, going to various schools in that town, an often dysfunctional family, her mother full of mysteries and their house full of cigarette smoke, but a really great girl, with big dreams and a great voice.
Danica- My friend who lives with her single mother, and bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend, and has friends who are older, and make often negative decisions at times. She's very in touch with her music, and pretty cool to hang out with, seems and looks older than her age streetwise.
Tick- A bloodsucker. *jk* Some dude that Danica dated, who had MANY issues, and was a pervert, but apparently was just so 'hot' and Trista was attracted to him. Involved with a dramadramadramaduck situation, between Dani having to break up with him, him breaking up with her, and then breaking Trista's heart as well, causing her to get really mad, by DATING DANA WHILE DATING TRISTA, (stupid a-hole guy... please pardon my... yeah...), Mr. Playa's got some problems, and left some girls with some too. Dani's still friends with him, though I find it dangerous, and I don't like most of her boyfriends because most of them have hurt her in some way. Dana and Trista were left with a grudge between each other, due to their boyfriend's cheating issues... among various other things. (Oh yeah. Long story. I'll maybe get to it eventually. Trista just couldn't get talked out of dating this guy... attracted to 'dangerous' guys. xPPPP)
I've decided, like my dearest friend Leanne/Kris, to arrange my blog so that I post at least once a week. Sorry for those who'd rather hear from me more, but I need to give myself something that's structured right now (like homework, xP; though I like blogging....) so that I will have a goal that I can commit to doing. And with school and all started, I've got homework, and all of that, and I'm in procrastinator mode (though it hasn't been so bad so far... which is quite an improvement...)
Sorry guys. D: Now that I have that set up, I'll probably end up posting more... *hugglesreaders* Love you guys.
God Bless you! Gawsh, I need to get on here more...
Anyway...
Life.
I had a great conversation with my parents last night. It was pretty cool. I'm glad I did. I asked my dad/told parents about the 'people problems', witnessing vs. debate, how to tell people about Jesus and live like him toward people... and he told me that the Gospel of John would be a good book to study/read. He told me to read it just like a book, and if I had questions, write them down, you know, really kinda ponder stuff. And I plan on doing that. The point of reading it, is to read about how Jesus interacted with people, the things that He did, His compassion, His love, His everything. John was like a very close friend to Jesus, so that was the perspective that the book was written from. And I think that's a great idea for me to read...
School...
Has finally gotten a little more interesting. I'm gonna start the anti-bullying thing maybe next week, or at least assist with it, now that the system's got it. xP Oh well. Mrs. Waver and the elementary guidance counselor now, can help out with more anti-bullying things. (Last year's school cutting pplz thing got rid of the Elementary principal, causing the Middle School principal, Mr. Novelton to become the K-8 principal.) The school got revamped. Sort of. Actually, they're still constructing various things... the one gym (which really isn't a 'gym gym'... just one of those things with chairs/bleachers and stuff... but it also functions as our stage, so it has chairs attached to these big cement steps and all dat. The new chairs are nice though. The others were like, fifty years old. O.O)
Okay, enough schoolgettingstuffdoneduetothetownvotingfortheschoolgettingmoney,ANDNOTGETTINGANEWHIGHSCHOOL* rant.
Soo... yeah. A girl named Dana, who hung out with me, Macy, Sam from my school and church, at the Burger Bash, on Wednesday, a party-ish thing with music, burgers, other food, and lotsa hangin' out, before See You at the Pole, September 25th, I believe, which may be international, where Christians at schools gather at their flagpole and have fellowship right before school. So it was kind of the pre-party thing. See You After The Pole, the after-party-thing, which is a really cool awesomeness party, where all the kids who went to See You at the Pole in Rochester/schools in that general area, come to in the evening, to hang out and have more fellowship, talk about how it went at their school, have more worship (but with most likely a WAY louder band, which is pretty awesome; our church always has great music anyway. The students get lots of modern Christian rock/other stuff, like Relient K, TobyMac, Family Force Five, etc.... the worship during church service is always pretty awesome too. Our own band thing, sometimes the adult choir, the kid's choir, all that good stuff... yeah. I might go into more detail later, lulz... Don't get me wrong, I really do love going to church to learn about Christ and everything. It's just the people at my church often have good taste in music. And I realize that worship isn't about the sound, it's about worshipping God.)
Great stuff. See You At The Pole seems more powerful at the city school's though... but that's okay. We're not there for us, it's there to show our love for Jesus.
Well... back on topic...
So, anyway, being in the presence of Dana, actually talking to her, and having to drive her home with my mom (well, my mom was doing the driving, since we both live in town and all that, but... you get what I mean...) really inspired me to get moving with that whole 'anti-bullying' class thing. I asked HER about it, and she'd like to get involved also. She's threatened to change schools several time because of this school... supposedly, she's going to a new one next year... *sigh*
But, I'm gonna go for it. And try to fix up what's right for the school, and what's not, along with Mrs. Waver, and the elementary guidance counselor too, if she gets involved also. Bullying is an important issue in our school.
A lovely statistic:
(I think it was about this...)
2/3 school shootings start with bullying at some point. ('Kay, I've most likely talked about this already, but I have to talk about it again; it's really driving and solemn for me.)
I remember the bullied one trying to prove himself out to the others, because they brutally verbally bashed him everyday.
It was a pencil, but stabbing nonetheless, that he did to one of the people who bullied him the most. I was at an all-day choir thing during that day, when it happened at lunch... the boy wasn't horribly injured, in fact, he came to school after a couple days, just fine, practically. Showing people his wound. o.e
But still...
The kid left. He'd moved there that ONE year. Not even one year... all the other new guy students were fine with us kids, but he just got hated on and hated on. People claimed to have tried to be friends with him. He pushed them away. But no one cared to try again. They just rejected him. He was different. He had really thick glasses. Some other issues, health issues, maybe other issues, didn't dress like everyone else.
And yet a lot of them rejected him and verbally abused him. (Because bullying IS abuse!)
It's scary and sat that these things happened...
I don't ever wanna see it happen again, at least at this school. Mrs. Waver told me about a school that had a new program about bullying and things like that, up north, where there had been a shooting/suicide (I think...) and how it was working well...
*sigh*
That was much more intense, and apparently, much more tragic things happened. But our school has had a history of relational agression and rejection of people who are different. That's not nearly as bad as what a school shooting/what leads up to one could be, but it's always possible in places...
I'd been wanting to do this even BEFORE that kid was driven to the edge/couldn't/wasn't reached.
Lots of bullying problems here. Small school, small town. Bullying and drugs is all we got for issues, and that's never good.
Every place has problems. The town may look quaint on the outside... but you gotta live here, you have to look in to understand the people.
Dana- a girl from school, who's firsthand experienced 'relational aggression' of the other girls, experienced their bullying, and I do believe has equally gone up against other girls
Mrs. Waver- Guidance counselor for middle school. Awesome woman who has spoken to me (Kim/Alyce) and helped me through many things throughout middle school, as well as made me think a whole lot, and honestly, genuinely cares about the students
Mr. Novelten: Youngish principal guy, around maybe his forties, with kids of his own, formerly just the Middle School principal, now the K-8 guy, due to unfortunate school cutting stuffs.
Trista- A friend I've known since first grade, when she first moved here, moving from someplace else to here, another town, and then ANOTHER town, going to various schools in that town, an often dysfunctional family, her mother full of mysteries and their house full of cigarette smoke, but a really great girl, with big dreams and a great voice.
Danica- My friend who lives with her single mother, and bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend, and has friends who are older, and make often negative decisions at times. She's very in touch with her music, and pretty cool to hang out with, seems and looks older than her age streetwise.
Tick- A bloodsucker. *jk* Some dude that Danica dated, who had MANY issues, and was a pervert, but apparently was just so 'hot' and Trista was attracted to him. Involved with a dramadramadramaduck situation, between Dani having to break up with him, him breaking up with her, and then breaking Trista's heart as well, causing her to get really mad, by DATING DANA WHILE DATING TRISTA, (stupid a-hole guy... please pardon my... yeah...), Mr. Playa's got some problems, and left some girls with some too. Dani's still friends with him, though I find it dangerous, and I don't like most of her boyfriends because most of them have hurt her in some way. Dana and Trista were left with a grudge between each other, due to their boyfriend's cheating issues... among various other things. (Oh yeah. Long story. I'll maybe get to it eventually. Trista just couldn't get talked out of dating this guy... attracted to 'dangerous' guys. xPPPP)
I've decided, like my dearest friend Leanne/Kris, to arrange my blog so that I post at least once a week. Sorry for those who'd rather hear from me more, but I need to give myself something that's structured right now (like homework, xP; though I like blogging....) so that I will have a goal that I can commit to doing. And with school and all started, I've got homework, and all of that, and I'm in procrastinator mode (though it hasn't been so bad so far... which is quite an improvement...)
Sorry guys. D: Now that I have that set up, I'll probably end up posting more... *hugglesreaders* Love you guys.
God Bless you! Gawsh, I need to get on here more...
Anyway...
Life.
I had a great conversation with my parents last night. It was pretty cool. I'm glad I did. I asked my dad/told parents about the 'people problems', witnessing vs. debate, how to tell people about Jesus and live like him toward people... and he told me that the Gospel of John would be a good book to study/read. He told me to read it just like a book, and if I had questions, write them down, you know, really kinda ponder stuff. And I plan on doing that. The point of reading it, is to read about how Jesus interacted with people, the things that He did, His compassion, His love, His everything. John was like a very close friend to Jesus, so that was the perspective that the book was written from. And I think that's a great idea for me to read...
School...
Has finally gotten a little more interesting. I'm gonna start the anti-bullying thing maybe next week, or at least assist with it, now that the system's got it. xP Oh well. Mrs. Waver and the elementary guidance counselor now, can help out with more anti-bullying things. (Last year's school cutting pplz thing got rid of the Elementary principal, causing the Middle School principal, Mr. Novelton to become the K-8 principal.) The school got revamped. Sort of. Actually, they're still constructing various things... the one gym (which really isn't a 'gym gym'... just one of those things with chairs/bleachers and stuff... but it also functions as our stage, so it has chairs attached to these big cement steps and all dat. The new chairs are nice though. The others were like, fifty years old. O.O)
Okay, enough schoolgettingstuffdoneduetothetownvotingfortheschoolgettingmoney,ANDNOTGETTINGANEWHIGHSCHOOL* rant.
Soo... yeah. A girl named Dana, who hung out with me, Macy, Sam from my school and church, at the Burger Bash, on Wednesday, a party-ish thing with music, burgers, other food, and lotsa hangin' out, before See You at the Pole, September 25th, I believe, which may be international, where Christians at schools gather at their flagpole and have fellowship right before school. So it was kind of the pre-party thing. See You After The Pole, the after-party-thing, which is a really cool awesomeness party, where all the kids who went to See You at the Pole in Rochester/schools in that general area, come to in the evening, to hang out and have more fellowship, talk about how it went at their school, have more worship (but with most likely a WAY louder band, which is pretty awesome; our church always has great music anyway. The students get lots of modern Christian rock/other stuff, like Relient K, TobyMac, Family Force Five, etc.... the worship during church service is always pretty awesome too. Our own band thing, sometimes the adult choir, the kid's choir, all that good stuff... yeah. I might go into more detail later, lulz... Don't get me wrong, I really do love going to church to learn about Christ and everything. It's just the people at my church often have good taste in music. And I realize that worship isn't about the sound, it's about worshipping God.)
Great stuff. See You At The Pole seems more powerful at the city school's though... but that's okay. We're not there for us, it's there to show our love for Jesus.
Well... back on topic...
So, anyway, being in the presence of Dana, actually talking to her, and having to drive her home with my mom (well, my mom was doing the driving, since we both live in town and all that, but... you get what I mean...) really inspired me to get moving with that whole 'anti-bullying' class thing. I asked HER about it, and she'd like to get involved also. She's threatened to change schools several time because of this school... supposedly, she's going to a new one next year... *sigh*
But, I'm gonna go for it. And try to fix up what's right for the school, and what's not, along with Mrs. Waver, and the elementary guidance counselor too, if she gets involved also. Bullying is an important issue in our school.
A lovely statistic:
(I think it was about this...)
2/3 school shootings start with bullying at some point. ('Kay, I've most likely talked about this already, but I have to talk about it again; it's really driving and solemn for me.)
I remember the bullied one trying to prove himself out to the others, because they brutally verbally bashed him everyday.
It was a pencil, but stabbing nonetheless, that he did to one of the people who bullied him the most. I was at an all-day choir thing during that day, when it happened at lunch... the boy wasn't horribly injured, in fact, he came to school after a couple days, just fine, practically. Showing people his wound. o.e
But still...
The kid left. He'd moved there that ONE year. Not even one year... all the other new guy students were fine with us kids, but he just got hated on and hated on. People claimed to have tried to be friends with him. He pushed them away. But no one cared to try again. They just rejected him. He was different. He had really thick glasses. Some other issues, health issues, maybe other issues, didn't dress like everyone else.
And yet a lot of them rejected him and verbally abused him. (Because bullying IS abuse!)
It's scary and sat that these things happened...
I don't ever wanna see it happen again, at least at this school. Mrs. Waver told me about a school that had a new program about bullying and things like that, up north, where there had been a shooting/suicide (I think...) and how it was working well...
*sigh*
That was much more intense, and apparently, much more tragic things happened. But our school has had a history of relational agression and rejection of people who are different. That's not nearly as bad as what a school shooting/what leads up to one could be, but it's always possible in places...
I'd been wanting to do this even BEFORE that kid was driven to the edge/couldn't/wasn't reached.
Lots of bullying problems here. Small school, small town. Bullying and drugs is all we got for issues, and that's never good.
Every place has problems. The town may look quaint on the outside... but you gotta live here, you have to look in to understand the people.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The Shrink (a poem-thing)
Life inspires me once more to write a poem/song-like-item. It's kind of a... weird titled thing, lots of metaphorical things, I think... or that's how it turned out in my mind. Be known that I do not write rough drafts (like, evaarrr) in my blog. (Manual, Manual of Life= metaphors for the Bible)
The Shrink
The world is suffering
From society-based schizophrenia
Dark voices telling them lies
And the truth is distorted
The shrink is there
With calls for suicidal thoughts and anger
Sadness, grief, frustrations
Compulsions and obsessions
Unhealthy habits
Anxiety problems, and anorexia, bullimia
She hears their stories everyday
She wants to help, but doesn't know what to say
She prays, and prays, but doesn't stop to listen
Especially when she should
The shrink has problems too
But they don't matter to her
Oh, she shouldn't have made it past internship
There isn't enough training that will ever make her get used to this
No amount of preparation
She's desensitized at times
Reviews her patients' files
Feels angry at times
But she pushes it away
Oh they need her, yes they do
Or do they, really?
They need God, yes they do
She prays
She's afraid to speak sometimes and feels ashamed
The 'bosses' at work suffer from that schizophrenia too
The voices telling them it's wrong
The voice that says it's politically incorrect
Offensive
To tell them about the Lord that leads her way
Stressful day, after stressful day
She sits and prays
She needs to read her Manual a little bit more
She'll fight not to go insane
Not to fall into the voices that threaten her precious mind and heart
She'll fight to do what's right
And avoid what is wrong
Sometimes her patients won't want her words
And professional lines will have to drop
As she steps in and holds them close
Lets their tears fall on her shirt
She fights everyday against those disorders
That threaten her own life
Mental hypochondriac she wished to diagnose herself
But pills don't fight the lies of the dark voices
God is on her side
She fights the lies everyday and every night
She won't listen to those voices
No matter how hard it is
If someone falls, she'll ask for God's guidance
Let him lift them up
If she is called upon, she will do her part
That's her job
And now she knows to do it willingly
The difference between right and wrong
And friend and psychiatrist or psychologist
Are reminding her
And God shines light down through the darkness
She will follow it
Let the Manual of Life show her what should be done
Rather than fall into the voices.
The Shrink
The world is suffering
From society-based schizophrenia
Dark voices telling them lies
And the truth is distorted
The shrink is there
With calls for suicidal thoughts and anger
Sadness, grief, frustrations
Compulsions and obsessions
Unhealthy habits
Anxiety problems, and anorexia, bullimia
She hears their stories everyday
She wants to help, but doesn't know what to say
She prays, and prays, but doesn't stop to listen
Especially when she should
The shrink has problems too
But they don't matter to her
Oh, she shouldn't have made it past internship
There isn't enough training that will ever make her get used to this
No amount of preparation
She's desensitized at times
Reviews her patients' files
Feels angry at times
But she pushes it away
Oh they need her, yes they do
Or do they, really?
They need God, yes they do
She prays
She's afraid to speak sometimes and feels ashamed
The 'bosses' at work suffer from that schizophrenia too
The voices telling them it's wrong
The voice that says it's politically incorrect
Offensive
To tell them about the Lord that leads her way
Stressful day, after stressful day
She sits and prays
She needs to read her Manual a little bit more
She'll fight not to go insane
Not to fall into the voices that threaten her precious mind and heart
She'll fight to do what's right
And avoid what is wrong
Sometimes her patients won't want her words
And professional lines will have to drop
As she steps in and holds them close
Lets their tears fall on her shirt
She fights everyday against those disorders
That threaten her own life
Mental hypochondriac she wished to diagnose herself
But pills don't fight the lies of the dark voices
God is on her side
She fights the lies everyday and every night
She won't listen to those voices
No matter how hard it is
If someone falls, she'll ask for God's guidance
Let him lift them up
If she is called upon, she will do her part
That's her job
And now she knows to do it willingly
The difference between right and wrong
And friend and psychiatrist or psychologist
Are reminding her
And God shines light down through the darkness
She will follow it
Let the Manual of Life show her what should be done
Rather than fall into the voices.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I know ya'll pro'lly wanna hear abou the wedding, but... (vent/rantpost.o.e confuzzlingpost)
For starters, the wedding was great. There was an after party for the after party of the after party. All three parties and the wedding were cool. And my cousins pwn you.
Anyway, now to my dumb stupid emotions no one really wants to hear about... okay, maybe I'm wrong...
*hugs* I love you guys. *sigh*
School started today. I missed most of the day, due to my flight coming in.
But everyone seemed pretty nice. And it seems like I didn't screw up my friendship with Jared as much as I thought I had...
Okay, and NOW, to stop avoiding talking.
(Hm, I wonder where my guidance counselor's office is now... the school's office is all like, rearranged... o.e )
Okay.
Combination of sixth grade... and... well, you know what, no. It's all outside school. Everyone's got problems already.
-----------------
I was interrupted. By my parents. Talking about a lovely new routine. *sigh* Why couldn't I just let myself be inspired by them and their academic excellence, even though their families were... erm... (put nicely), different than my own.
*sigh*
In so many ways, I'm selfish and self-centered, and vain, and cold. And I create my own problems. And maybe, somewhere deep in the caverns of my weird, screwed-up mind, I just wanna study psychology/psychiatry(yes, psychiatrymaybenow) so I can say I have a mental disorder, get pills, and feel fixed. Actually, that wouldn't even work. If that's what I really think. Which I'm sure I don't... but some part of me... might? Now I'm confusing myself! Maybe I'll just drive myself insane... xPP
Anyway, I'm also either mellowdramatic/sacrificial/right? . I don't know. You know how in the Bible, one of the apostles (I don't remember which... ) speaks about how blessing and cursing come from the tongue. How a stream that produces freshwater cannot produce saltwater, or something similar to that.
I have that. A lot. And it shouldn't be.
It's not just my mouth. It's my mind. I confuse myself sometimes. I try to figure myself out, when a part of me knows the truth, while the others try to think of other things.
I have horrible self-esteem. Some people might not know that.
I hate my body a lot sometimes. I just think I'm ugly sometimes. And it's wrong. God made me. He made everything about me. I should pray more. I should lean on God more. But so many times I get so dang close to falling into that pit of temptation. And it's always within myself. No one else's fault.
No one's ever told me I'm worthless, no one's ever told me I'm fat, or ugly, or stupid, or that I was a bad person. Everyone even says I---
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Gah. Interrupted. More. So, I started this entry yesterday, and didn't finish it, and I don't feel like it.
But, I did feel like posting it. I'm praying for everyone else right now and their beginning-of-school-issues. My issues are dead today. I feel fine.
Meh. So bipolar I am.
Sooooooooo...
Nothing epical happened for me today at school. I finished my homework during school. The schedule's weird, but that's okay.
Hot N Cold by Katy Perry is addicting. o.e Gawsh, I hated her first single... but she's so contagious! D:< GAH!
Anyway... yeah. *sigh* Love you guys. God Bless. :) Sorry for this confusing entry. I just really wanted to update for you all... even though you probably didn't want to hear me angst on here...
Anyway, now to my dumb stupid emotions no one really wants to hear about... okay, maybe I'm wrong...
*hugs* I love you guys. *sigh*
School started today. I missed most of the day, due to my flight coming in.
But everyone seemed pretty nice. And it seems like I didn't screw up my friendship with Jared as much as I thought I had...
Okay, and NOW, to stop avoiding talking.
(Hm, I wonder where my guidance counselor's office is now... the school's office is all like, rearranged... o.e )
Okay.
Combination of sixth grade... and... well, you know what, no. It's all outside school. Everyone's got problems already.
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I was interrupted. By my parents. Talking about a lovely new routine. *sigh* Why couldn't I just let myself be inspired by them and their academic excellence, even though their families were... erm... (put nicely), different than my own.
*sigh*
In so many ways, I'm selfish and self-centered, and vain, and cold. And I create my own problems. And maybe, somewhere deep in the caverns of my weird, screwed-up mind, I just wanna study psychology/psychiatry(yes, psychiatrymaybenow) so I can say I have a mental disorder, get pills, and feel fixed. Actually, that wouldn't even work. If that's what I really think. Which I'm sure I don't... but some part of me... might? Now I'm confusing myself! Maybe I'll just drive myself insane... xPP
Anyway, I'm also either mellowdramatic/sacrificial/right? . I don't know. You know how in the Bible, one of the apostles (I don't remember which... ) speaks about how blessing and cursing come from the tongue. How a stream that produces freshwater cannot produce saltwater, or something similar to that.
I have that. A lot. And it shouldn't be.
It's not just my mouth. It's my mind. I confuse myself sometimes. I try to figure myself out, when a part of me knows the truth, while the others try to think of other things.
I have horrible self-esteem. Some people might not know that.
I hate my body a lot sometimes. I just think I'm ugly sometimes. And it's wrong. God made me. He made everything about me. I should pray more. I should lean on God more. But so many times I get so dang close to falling into that pit of temptation. And it's always within myself. No one else's fault.
No one's ever told me I'm worthless, no one's ever told me I'm fat, or ugly, or stupid, or that I was a bad person. Everyone even says I---
-------------------
Gah. Interrupted. More. So, I started this entry yesterday, and didn't finish it, and I don't feel like it.
But, I did feel like posting it. I'm praying for everyone else right now and their beginning-of-school-issues. My issues are dead today. I feel fine.
Meh. So bipolar I am.
Sooooooooo...
Nothing epical happened for me today at school. I finished my homework during school. The schedule's weird, but that's okay.
Hot N Cold by Katy Perry is addicting. o.e Gawsh, I hated her first single... but she's so contagious! D:< GAH!
Anyway... yeah. *sigh* Love you guys. God Bless. :) Sorry for this confusing entry. I just really wanted to update for you all... even though you probably didn't want to hear me angst on here...
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