Back from the Trip (and all that stuffs <3)

^The link above is to the youth church blog item thing. And you guys are not permitted to stalk the peoplez in teh pictures. :O





I wrote a blog there... that's my youth pastor's blog for the place and all that. I wrote (and didn't finish)





"Alison K.- This trip was an experience I refuse to forget. There were lots of new people we got to meet, and build relationships with, and lots of amazing people that everyone talked about from the other missions. Everything we did was meaningful. The people that I met were very interesting, and I began realizing these people’s needs. I learned things from the people in my group. I worked at two nursing homes and a Youth Development center. I think I made some lasting impacts. The elderly just want somebody to talk to. And if only we would just let them talk! We would learn so much. The lady I spoke to, at Meadowbrook’s nursing home, Helen, a pianist, I think about 94 years old, was like walking history. Her story was just the story of a ‘typical farm girl’ in South Dakota. And it was fascinating to hear her talk. She told me about everything… and repeated herself, so I’m not thinking I’ll be forgetting about it soon. Somehow, her story kind of reminded me of Anne of Green Gables, or Laura Ingalls Wilder, or an American Girl story. It was just awesome to hear the way things really were back then, directly to the ones who lived in it. I also spoke to Ruth. I didn’t get much time to talk to her, but she was incredible. She had multiple sclerosis, and she was writing these books, one about MS and her sister with MS, and another about domestic violence, due to her years helping in a battered women facility. She was incredibly strong and inspiring, even in the few minutes I got to speak to her.At the Youth Development Center, I talked to a girl. We didn’t say much, and the screens of the computers were so attracting to me in that crowded, secluded corner… I do believe somebody should’ve been watching these kids more… I saw a little makeover game similar to the ones I’d play at home, and so I walked toward that person on that computer. I learned quite a bit from just watching her there. I sort of detected her fashion sense, by the way she styled the animated, portrait-view, models. She surfed the web, on the appropriate site list, and I learned her name from her sending a random comment to Disney Channel’s site. When she got off the computer, she asked me if I wanted to draw, and set down paper and a pencil in front of my seat. And so we drew for a few minutes. Kristi and her group of little girls, who were playing ‘pretend’, imagined that we were both at an art school that they were visiting. They took pictures of us. I played with the younger girls outside for a minute, then came back in. All these kids wanted were a friend. Someone to talk to, or draw with, or appreciate them, or just to play with them. On the day of the activity, when we went to the waterpark, I saw my older friend, who was my age, the one who drew, and her eyes just lit up when she saw me. We had hardly said anything, but we were friends already. What really got to me, however, was the ‘club’ nights, on Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday had a very important message. God loves everyone. No matter what they do. No matter who they are. On the very first night that we all arrived here, someone told us to think of everyone as someone that God loves, rather than judging them. The ‘Club’ on Tuesday really reinforced this. They showed us a slideshow of pictures. Of so many different people. And every single one of them, is loved by God. That was extremely powerful in itself. To be continued…."





I never got to finish it before we left, but that's okay. I'm glad I wrote it. I've been really having a hard time focusing on God right now. The mission trip was powerful... but as soon as I came home, I knew what I WANTED to do for God, to do for the people around me, and yet, I went straight back to what I was doing before I left. Straight back. Even with Rose and Bethany around, I wanted the computer. It was sick. But we watched the Avatar Finale, and it was AMAZING. But still... man.





I need to get back to focusing on God. I love him. And I love what he's doing with my life. I want to do what I can... but what is there? We learned a lot about just how a simple friendship changes people's lives during the trip. And I have lots of friends I should talk to a bit more often... lots of new people to meet... lots of lost people and run-down people and people who I've got yet to meet. But I do think that I've got to be more consistent. Just with... everything. I guess I don't have to change the music I listen to, or watch, as long as I'm filtering. And I'm not tempting myself. I'm mature enough to handle those things, plus the world's like that, and I can't deny it. I can, however, choose the way I will act, who I will follow, God or the world. So, I'm choosing God.





Perfect song for that paragraph up there-





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhR0G7LC1FU





I'm not broken right now, but it feels that way sometimes, for a lot of people. My eyes were definitely opened up again on this trip. I'd been really selfish before then, and now I just want to do things for people again. And yet, I still isolate myself to this office, and to the people on the internet... not that they don't need God. But like I do with some of my friends, I just don't dare bring it up. Unless they do. And when they do, (people online mostly), it normally just turns into a debate. Which sucks, but, a line from a really awesomely song ("I Hope You Dance"), 'I hope you never choose the path of least resistance...' you know. I don't like resistance. Because it's hard for me to think of losing people in such a final way... and only God can really call someone like that. And only the people themselves can choose to listen.





I really hated being 'helpless' like that before, but now I realize, everything really does depend on the other person's decision, and listening to God, and giving everything up to him. I wanna get out there and do something. I've gotta ask for the courage to do what he wants me to. Even when others are against it.

My Uneventful Day... (and yesterday's doll adventures... o.O)

I talked on the phone.

I stayed on the computer.

I used
http://pbskids.org/cyberchase/games/patterns/ ,

http://www.millsberry.com/studio/ ,
and
http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/games/classof3000/funkbox/index.html
to make an instrumental song. (Which, didn't sound half-bad, in all honesty.)

I also put OneRepublic's 'Dreaming Out Loud', Hoku's 'Hoku', and Superchick's 'Regeneration, Last One Picked, and 'Beauty From Pain' onto my Windows Media Player, because I'm just that technologically unadvanced. *yawn* I did make a few more playlists on there, cuz I'm just addicted to playlists like that...

I've been writing this little side-story fanfic thing about the roleplay, "In Their Eyes" from AvatarSpirit.Net, because I write in that, and I'm just obssessed with ITE like that... (Leanne and Nathaniel and maybe even Ella might know about some of that...)

And then I called Ella and 'Leanne' (whom is Kris in the coded blog)... and they were picking out makeup for the Breaking Dawn prom at Barnes and Noble in August, cuz I got Leanne in a dress yesterday to see what she would look like as our Rosalie. (It was either she was Rosalie, and we were 'sisters', or else she'd be Jasper, and 'Alyce' would be very strange and abnormal... ) So yeah. Kris is very tomboy-y, but she's also a girl.

Yesterday, Kris and I hung out at my house. We played with My Scene dolls. They were being 'muffinly'. And Barbie was a suggestive, dumb-blonde, who somehow dressed like a hippy. o.e Anyyyywayyy... we had a ghost-girl 'emo' who was like, basically a suicidal Mary Sue (see 'fanfiction author language') and had problems, and yet, this one girl's African-British boyfriend started feeling attracted toward her after rescuing her from jumping off the top of my dresser drawers. I-I... I mean, tall building... and the one actual 'cultural' Barbie doll was being like Barbie and wasn't paying attention to his odd attraction. Until Sue started being weird. And he followed her. And THEN she freaked out. And Insertname Here, the Madison doll (cuz I'm just weird like that and actually DO know every single name of all the most recent MyScene doll names... ) whose head pops off, learned that popping her head off to random people, laughing insanely and walking around with your head off and still living, then putting your head back on, is creepy and scares people. Sue dressed up in a creepy white dress with a black scarf and no shoes, revealing that My Scene dolls, do, in fact, have tiny feet that magically enlarge while wearing shoes. While River slept in his apartment, in a shelf, with a comfortable bed made up of humongous skirts and leggings, Barbie, who lived in the apartment above him, the one with all the dress shirts and random other stuffs, was hanging out with Sutton's girlfriend, Insertname Here, and Sutton, who then followed Sue...

Yup. That's the epical episode of: "My Scene Dolls: The WTF(oople)!? Episode!"

Yeah.

The one week where I'm supposed to be the MOST focused on the Mission Trip, I'm not. Lord, forgive me. I need that... I need to start focusing, and stop procrastinating my packing and my devotionals and even my time spent with God. Lord forgive me... God Bless you all.

...(vent/whatever (kind of an 'emo-pressing' vent))

I need to vent.

It's wrong, but, I want to... I mean, did Jesus not knock over tables in anger, or something like that? I'm venting... I'm not going to say any names.

I can't take this. How can someone say "Oh, it's Natural Selection that that idiot kid died cuz he was imitating some character on TV! Lol! One less idiot in the world!" No. Just... no. 10 year old's don't die because of natural selection. There is sin in the world, and being so cruel and insensitive like that, is wrong. Wrong. I'm being wrong. I thought some pretty bad stuff... I wanna go blow up to some people right now. But I'm not going to...

Okay. Casting Crowns is very helpful right now.

I need to love people like Jesus, who ate dinner with the 'tax-collectors and sinners', and let the lady with the loose hair wash his feet. People struggle. People don't understand. People are swallowed up in the darkness and sin of this world and lured by temptation from the Devil. I'm not one of them... and I can't condemn them. I've just got to do what I can. I HAVE to stick to God. No. Matter. What.

Some quotes from my friend, from a thread on a site where 'proselyetize is 'not allowed.' He wrote them a long time ago. In my blog, he's Sam. He's changed. He's struggling. He's not like the people who condemned him in that thread, but he's hurting. He needs to heal and come back to Christ. He was so devout and 'overzealous' to some... he may have sounded like a bit of an advertisement to some, may have been 'shoving' his 'religion' down their throats.

..."but you must know that winning people to christ is an amazing thing. why should it not be allowed? what if someone didn't answer to this topic but read it and understood it and the holy spirit took over. what if that somebody is saved right now from the firey clutches of eternal Hell. you can't honestly think that going to Hell for all eternity is any better than going to Heaven with a few people you don't like. i can guarentee that anyone in Hell right now would gladly switch lives with any one of you. Hell is NOT a good place to be. and to think that Jesus died a long and painful death on the cross just to give us a second chance to get in to Heaven is just unbelievable!!! and yet some do not see that and don't want to because it might make them afraid or it might hurt their feelings! that makes it our job as christians to give as many people as humanly possible a chance at going to Heaven and staying out of the clutches of the Devil who would kill just to make sure we don't find God! Jesus could come back tomarrow morning or an hour even and he is going to collect the souls that trust in him and leave the unbelivers here on Earth where if they are not killed will suffer years of Satan's wrath! it is the christian's job to win people to Christ and you're not going to tell me i can't do it because it's against the rules. because i might make some people feel sad. that's a price i am willing to take if it means keeping people out of the fiery trenches of Hell!!! some of you might think that Satan is your friend. that Satan is here to help but he's not! he tricks you into thinking he's your friend so that when you turn around he can stab you in the back and God's the only person who can save you from that! So believe what you want to believe everybody but you'll be wishing you would've paid a little more attention in Sunday School when Jesus comes."Those Who Seek God Will Be Rewarded"- Hebrews 11:6"

"Yay! i didn't know so many people were christians! it's GREAT isn't it?! and *insert username of member here*, you don't have to go to hell you know. as long as you accept christ as your lord and savior and say the sinner's prayer, you don't have to go to hell. that's the free gift Jesus Christ gave us when he willingly died on the cross. isn't that just amazing! God doesn't want you to go to hell. that's why he gave his only son to die on the cross for OUR sins. Jesus didn't sin once in his entire life. he was literally PERFECT. and yet he died on the cross for us anyway! you see, God doesn't want to go to hell. Jesus died on the cross so that we could have the chance to get into Heaven. it's a free gift The Lord gave to sinners. and we are all sinners by the way. it's your choice if you want to accept the gift given to you by The Lord Jesus Christ who loves you so much he would die for YOU! it's never too late to get saved. but don't wait! you could pass way as you sleep tonight. it's a scary thing to imagine but happens much to often. it's not such a scary thing however once you get saved. because the second you get saved, you're going to Heaven. so then when you go to bed, thinking you may pass away right where you're laying, it's not so scary. because now, you know that if you were to die, you're going to Heaven. Forever. Where you can see Jesus. The one you call, your Lord and Savior. May God be with you all. And all who did not post. The Lord loves you all. Just the same."

How can people fall apart? He's straying... I need to be there for him.

New favorite band-
Casting Crowns

I'm almost crying right now. It feels like how I used to look at the old church directory pictures, and see this huge family of about 9, all smiling, a couple of pouting teenagers, and this grinning little, 7-year-old boy, who looked like the kid from Steuart Little (2002 directory), and then look at the most recent directory, from 2006, and... knowing how the family split... 5 people. In that picture. His parents divorced. Sister, or whoever the girl was, grew up. I know she's alive, because I tried to reach someone of their last name through an operator, and they tried to get me there. The boy had longer hair now, different glasses, a faint smile, pale skin. I knew there was more behind that, however.

This boy was Mark.

And he still is Mark. It seemed he'd had trouble talking to me about his family, and when he did, none of the stories were happy. It wasn't like my novel boy, or like Troy Abbort, it wasn't like he was being physically abused, or neglected, but his family... definitely had dysfunction. I never got extreme specifics. But I knew some things. His parents divorced.

I got told something about cousins and adoption and aunts and uncles in car crashes from someone else, not from Mark, but I don't know exactly what happened...

He was hurting too.


My friend, a girl, lost, and searching. She says she's a Christian. But I think she might just be 'religious', at the times she is. I hate that word... I am not religious. I have a relationship with Christ. He is my Lord, my Savior, my Heavenly father. He's a friend. He shouldn't be as distant as I put him off, but He IS my friend.

Either way, her faith... I don't know if she understands. She's had crappy boyfriends. Tons of them. One of them, a drug-addicted, cheating, player, tried to get her to do things she absolutely DIDN'T want to do. She told me in the summer before sixth grade that she had kissed a girl. She's obssessed with boys. She doesn't want to get pregnant, or have sex or any of that. She just 'loves' them. But everytime she gets into a relationship, everytime a boy hurts her by cheating on her, or breaking up with her for some stupid reason, I watch her get hurt. I hear her over the phone, angry and hurt. I hear her. I'm one of the so-called 'few' people she's told that she was bi. I don't call her enough. I need to talk to her. And though I'm so quick to say something wrong is fun, or anything of the like, jokingly, I can't confront someone about something like that. I can't do that. I can't shove my faith down my throat. Even my youth pastor says not to do that. But I have to tell her it's wrong somehow... though, if she accepts Christ as her savior in truth, and believes in Him fully, is her sin not forgiven? Most likely it is forgiven. But to repeat that, again and again.

Her boyfriends are the ones who have the problems. She's torn apart inside, I know it. Her mom, she doesn't even know her mom's age. Her mom is rather overweight; she got one of those gastric bypass surgeries, or something of the like, and she just wants the best for her daughter; she doesn't seem to know that much about her daughter's relationships, or her preference. She let her transfer schools when the one she went to wasn't working out, however. But putting a bunch of troubled, high-risk kids, in ONE school... how does that help? I suppose it could... but the bullying... cutting, suicidal thoughts... I guess you can't really blame a school for that. But it's so much easier, isn't it? I wasn't there for her when she was like that. I wasn't there. I wasn't there to listen. I need to call her... check up on her... just be her friend, at the very least.

I am deathly afraid of any of my friends going to anywhere other than Heaven. Maybe it's wrong... to think like that. Just because I want them with me. It's not as though I'll be lonely. I don't know what my motives are sometimes. I do, however, honestly, want them all to get saved, and share my joy. And feel God's love surrounding them. I want them to be there to know that.

I could list all my friends and my friends' various problems right now.

But that's not the point... I need to be here for those who are CLOSE to me. Not just online. And not just the few people that I actually, selfishly, choose to call during the day. The people that need someone, are the ones I need to talk to. Lord, please help me... give me your guidance.

I NEED TO WRITE!!!!

Screw explanations. (I-I... I mean... yeah, I mean screw explanations. )

I need to write. I just have to. A series of random songs and poems off the top of my head.

Come Home Soon

(v.1)
I hate when I have to anticipate your arrival time
You need to come home soon
This has happened way too
Many times
You need to come home
Call the phone, because I know
You can
The line was busy, but I'm sorry
Come home soon

Every time, since I was a little girl
I'd wait, praying for you desperately
You'd come home, late, or in the morning
For your various reasons
And now it's time for this again
I'm trying not to think that you will come home safely
Because I'm afraid that will jinx what has happened before
I need to give it up to God, and pray that you'll come home
I need to stop worrying so much

(chorus)
But everytime you take so long
Past 8:30, and you're still not back yet
You need to give us a call
I don't care if it's 2 in the morning
When you're out for some wrong reason
Or anything excusable
We all just need to hear your voice
Because we love you
Come home soon

(v.2)
I'm waiting for you to call
I know I shouldn't be anxious
And I know whatever God's will is
It will happen
Please keep driving
Hurry home

Have you called the cell?
Are you on your way?
Where are you?
Did you know one night at home
And during a storm
I don't remember how old I was, but I stared at the window
Sobbing
Not knowing if you were coming home or not
But you still did...

I pray everything's alright
(chorus)

(song ending)
We love you
Come home soon
I don't care what you've done in the past
We still love you
All of us
Your heart is looking toward God
And we trust him to bring you safely back to us

---------
My Personal Jacob (a poem)

We never said those things out loud
The words upon our minds
The words 'I love you'
Or, 'You're Beautiful'
Or anything like that
We were best friends for just so long
And I guess it developed into something else
We tried that relationship once, and it faded
And yet, the feelings went on

But when you took someone else to your heart
I wandered off, and thought I'd moved on
I found someone else
I thought I loved him too
And then those weeks where 'we' fluttered
Things unsure

And then you told me things I thought I'd never hear
And it was hard to say no to you
And every word I said
About love and everything
I meant that
But I'm not sure how I meant it
And then we both were left without boyfriend or girlfriend

And you wanted me
Did I really want you?
I thought about 'him' all the time...
And yet I said yes
A weeklong relationship, we tried again
Your arm around my neck
On a ferris wheel
Next to a friend, who was another girl
Who also previously liked you; one of your best friends
And on a ski lift, I got my first kiss
From that other boy I 'loved'
Next to one of my best friends

I wonder if they were jealous, or nervous, or just weirded out
I don't know myself anymore
Or at least what emotions are
Or what they mean
Or what I'm feeling
It's hard to distinguish anything
When I think about you and him

But my personal Jacob Black, you know I love you too
Maybe not the way you want, and I know for you
It won't be enough
When you joked about six years later, coming to my house
To meet my parents

We would be nineteen
Or at least I would
How could I tear that dream apart for you?
Did you really want that?
I did, though, didn't I?
Do you still want to be my friend?
I received your message
One-liners, no replies
On the chat
Even with the jokes...

Or whatever that is
Are you still hurt?
Is there anything I can do?
What is there I can do?
Please...
I don't want to lose you.
------------
And these lyrics aren't mine...

Broken and Beautiful, by Mark Schultz

There’s a businessman, there’s a widowed wife

A smiling face with a shattered life

A teenage girl with a choice to make

It’s crowded here in church today

And the preacher says as the sermon ends

“Please close your eyes, bow your heads

Is there anyone in need of prayer,

Oh Jesus wants to meet you here”

Cause we all fall short, and we all have sinned

But when you let, God’s grace break in

(Chorus)

It’s Beautiful, Beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Well he’d never been to church before

But he came today as a last resort

His world was crashing in

And he was suffocating in his sin

But tears rolled down as hope rushed in

He closed his eyes, raised his hands

Worshipping the God who can

Bring him back to life again

(Chorus)

And it’s beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Cause there’s nothing more beautiful at all

Than when His sons and daughters call, broken

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Come as you are Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Come as you are

(Chorus)

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Come as you are

Broken and beautiful, beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Broken and beautiful

Broken and beautiful

Beautiful

((^This song is so incredible. I love it. It is truly amazing.))

I Live For You

(v.1)

Your love is eternal

Your creation is here

Lord, you are beautiful

Your words I can hear

Just when I see that creation

Yet, with all Your power, Your wonder

Your perfection

You love me

(chorus)

You sent Your son to the earth

To give his life

For me

For the world

A gift

We need to accept

To be with you

And that's where I want to be

(v.2)

I am sinful

I live in the world

That has been darkened by sin

And yet, I ask for your forgiveness

And my sins are no more

Your will is my will

Your glory is my purpose in life

(chorus)

(bridge; your love is deep, by Jami Smith)

Your love is deeper than my view of grace

Higher than this worldly place

Longer than this road I travel

Wider than the gap you fill (x2)

(chorus, x2)

I want to go where you want me to

Dear Lord

Your glory is my purpose.

^My first Christian/Worship song I've ever written down.

I Want to Live For You

(v.1)

Even in this world of darkness

The threatens to close in

You are here

You are the light

Even in this place of sorrow

That wishes to swallow us up

You are here

Our comforter

(chorus)

Dear Lord

Your love stretches high and low

Surrounding us

Your life was given for us

You love us so very much

The least I can do

Is live for you

(v.2)

Even when we run from you

We can always come back

Your open arms

Welcome

The prodigals

You're coming back for us

You're calling us to spread Your Word

You love us so much

(chorus)

(bridge)

I want to live for You

I want to live for You

I want to live for You

I want to live for You

(chorus, x2)

I have so much more I need to write right now. SO MUCH. Thank you, Lord!

(Stand in the Rain~ Superchick is an amazing song) Sam, my friends, prayer, GOD LOVES EVERYONE

New Character

Sam (another one of the Sam-guys)- A guy from online. Kim met him on her Avadorkforumsiteness, while roleplaying, when she first started, in October 2006. He was fun-loving, happy, a Christian, and nice. But then, he took a long break, and came back, with girl problems, and various other issues... often coming to her, in moments where he is in desperate need for support, she is always doing her best to help him out, whenever something's wrong... and when he's online, those rare times.

----------------
I got home, I wanted to dance. At my friend's church, it's always awesome. It was just the message, and that incredible sky, again. When the clouds are breaking, from stormclouds, to sunlight... beautiful. I don't know how anyone can deny God, with that beautiful sky...

And I came home, still wanting to dance and write about joy and contentment in Him.

And I watched the mid-to-end parts of Shrek on TV with my Dad.

And then, I attempted to teach myself Coldplay's "The Scientist" better on the piano.

Then I got on the computer.

*sigh* Chatrooms= bad for your health. And rather depressing.

And then, Sam got on, again... I hadn't spoken to him in ages, as usual, so I messaged him. I had this uneasy feeling, like I knew something had recently gone wrong. And, I was actually correct.

I don't know how that whole 'hope for the best, expect the worst'-thing could ever fit in with optimism, though, I was really doing that right then.

I need to let go of everything, and let God take over. HE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY. If I let him speak through me, if I let HIS message go through me, I know things will work out.

Most helpful music when trying to help someone-

SUPERCHICK
Particularly- Stand In The Rain, Beauty From Pain, Courage, Hero, We Live (last three/two songs are only on occasion)

Mainly Stand in the Rain. Wonderful song...


I think I'm getting somewhere. I really need to go to the bathroom or something, but I was really nervous, like I usually am when talking to him, but, I think it's easing up a bit. I am so glad that I am talking to him right now. I've missed him, and I've been worried, I have to admit... though, I haven't been thinking of him lately, for which I am guilty. I'm going to put him back into my prayers, immediately. He needs prayer. He needs God. So badly... I know a lot of people who need God. A lot, many need Him, much more than Sam. He's a good friend of mine, even online, and I don't like seeing him hurt... I don't like seeing anyone hurt, really, but people who are close to me, people whose words I can read, or hear, or even see them... it's terrible, really.

I am constantly praying for my friends, and my family.

I love them all... and God loves them. He loves every one of those he created. His mercy is endless, if one believes in him, and his promises. Please let God in, everyone, those who don't believe in him. He is the one who made me, made you, and made it possible for us to live with him. He is my source of life, my source of hope, of joy, of comfort and support when I am in dark times.

I know my blogs have been short lately... *somewhat of another mission trip rant? and, introduction to Xatmates*

Note:

New characters; The Xat"roommates"

Xat- a place where people can make their own chatrooms about various things; or to just talk, or whatever. There are clans, fansite thingies, snapvine capablities, you know, widgets and all, are compatible. And, legally, it's supposed to be a 14 and up place. However... I have spotted some nine year olds on the room I often enter. O.O Which, is VERY unpurified, unrefined, unedited, uncut... if you know what I mean. This is where the teenagers who just wanna let it all out, be perverted with someone, or just talk, hang out. (Fortunately, a 'bad word filter' has been made, if one would so choose... even though it still doesn't get rid of all the really BAD swears and other language...)



Amy- The Owner of DarkWolves2776 and four other xatrooms. O.O (P.S. No copyright infrigement is meant here. DarkWolves may or may not be a real Xatroom, and if it is, I was not intending for this to be that way. I am changing names of people and 'places' for the sake of the privacy of such persons.)



Tasha- Previously mentioned. Friends with many of the typical members on DW2776. She has her own Xatrooms, and such, and is often online at DW2776 or her own xat.



Melton- A very dedicated Kataanger (Kataang- Katara/Aang ship in the Avatar Fandom), who takes 'shipping wars' to the literal sense, often launching 'attacks' on the Zutarians, of which Kim and Tasha are. He has somehow gotten the nicknames 'Mentos' and 'Milky'. (Kim made the milk one... for no particular reason.)



Dan- Nicknames are 'shiny, softy' and probably various other things. He has a rather perverted sense of humor, can be rather harsh at times, and is oftentimes rather depressed/pessimistic. Which, in his case, are either the same, or one leads to the next. Is actually pretty intelligent, brain-wise. He believes it's weak to ask for help, or to receive it... and already thinks he's weak, maybe just for being emotional. Somewhat angry at the world, for all the bad things that have come into his current life. I believe that he takes out a lot of his anger on people, however, the insults he gives toward them, are completely undeserved by the people.









I've recently been staying up till times past 1:00 am lately. T.T I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday, and got up today at 8:20-something-ish. O.O



I've gotta start getting ready for that mission trip... *sigh* I need to get myself committed to God again. I need to finish my devotionals... the trip's in just two weeks. O: And I get to see Rose-chan again. ^^ <3333

Anyway, I really need to get focused here... without it, I'm gonna be a total mess at the trip. I really need to clean everything up. Staying in a Xat room (Xat= a chatroom-y place) until 1 or 3 AM really teaches a lot of stuff.

I need to focus on my mission trip, however. TWO WEEKS. O.O

Very important... *sigh* Anyway, thanks for reading my blog, my dear readers. I love ya'll. ^^

God loves you. :)

Guilt? Oh yeah... here it is...(written while chatting with Jared online)

Well, you should all be thankful I'm not listening to Blue October. That would have some negative affects here...

Contemporary Christian (of all sorts; rock, that typical pop-ish stuff, or poppy worship songs.... ) really does do wonders. If I would pay attention to the lyrics.

I don't think I'm doing what God would want me to right now... am I guilting Jared, or... just making him angrier? Probably one... or both... or the other. I'm just... I was being honest. I do regret this. I regret it so much. I regret my cheesy email, I regret telling him that I was beating myself about this... but am I really? Or am I just one of those 'effing lies' in his stat message?

I don't even know anymore.

I had stupid reasons, stupid, stupid, stupid freaking reasons that just... *sigh*

Maybe he's calming down now... I hope so. At least a little bit. I can tell that he doesn't hate me... he's just... angry...

And now he's calmer. Thank goodness...

But... I'm still guilty, but, shamefully, I admit, I'm relieved. That he's calmed down. Even if I sort of deserved this... no, I did deserve it. Or... oh, whatever.

*sigh*

I really hope things get better... if not this summer, at least some time. I'll pray for him... and everyone else, still.

Jared+Kim=... (+Congratulations~ Blue October)

Author's Note: Thank you, my dearest friends and commenters (sp?), for your reviews. I really think you're awesome and appreciate you dearly.


An update to all who read this blog:

Kim broke up with Jared... she couldn't believe herself. Mara even said it. "But he *effing* loved you so much!" with more chatspeak involved.

Now she's feeling guilty for not feeling guilty enough. Maybe she should listen to her Blue October lyrics a little bit more... torturous song, it's true.

With the support of Tasha, Mara, and now Kris, things were alright.

She's still going to pray for him every night.

((Sorry for the bluntness! I think I might say more later... *sigh* ))

How could I do that to a friend. (A blog about... 'Jared'...okay, more my boy issues... that I created...)

New Characters:

Sherry- One of Jared's ex-girlfriends. They've been friends since pre-school, and they're still friends. She broke up with Jared because she liked another boy... and the other boy didn't like her back.

Mara- Another one of Jared's ex-girlfriends. The tensions between those two were very high when they were dating, with Jared's constant involvement with Kim, who was also dating Mark at the time. She held some hard feelings toward Kim for a while, but now they're back on good terms...

Rick- Currently likes/liked Rose. He used to like Kim, and was formerly Kim's boyfriend. The 'guy from her church'.

Kenny- One of Jared's friends. Friends with Kim. Though they once dated, and it hardly lasted a a week. They still remain friends.

Samuel- A guy. Called 'Sammie' by girl-ish nickname. A guy-friend of Kim who started going to her small-town school, his former Christian-Private-School innocence destroyed by public school. Sammica, Sammie... girly names are her nicknames for her. Used to live next door to Ella. A little bit of a sick sense of humor at times, yet admittedly, unfortunately, funny.
___________
I can't stand it anymore.

I have to do it. I'm going to hurt him more if I put it off. Or, maybe I'm just being selfish... gosh... I freakin' know I can make this work! I just gotta stop liking Mark. Which seems easier said than done. But I CAN control my emotions! It's not justified to break up with someone because you just want someone else. Because I can't keep my mind off of Mark. Even when I was with Jared! ON THE FREAKIN' FERRIS WHEEL. That is the Jared/Kim place! The first time he put his arm around me.... and Sherry was sitting right there. Just like how Mark and Kim kissed... on a ski-lift... and Rose was on the other seat... heh... wow, I do that a lot on suspended places with people sitting right next to me/guy... *sigh* I miss Rose... and her phone being turned on... it really feels like she moved now... *sigh*

I don't know what to do. Well, actually I do. In order to keep Jared happy, I would have to remain in a relationship with him, actually call him instead of trying to avoid him, and just... be there. And be a good girlfriend. WHO DOESN'T THINK SHE'S GOING TO EITHER CHEAT ON HIM OR BREAK HIS HEART IN SOME OTHER WAY.

I've hurt him before. Even when he didn't deserve it. I've said stupid things to him. But though he's had his share, I shouldn't just hurt him like that... It's not like he's forcing me to stay with him. I just can't let him go like that. But as you know, he's a friend. And even though I wanted to be with him a few times this year, maybe I did what Ella assumes she does. Projected my feelings on someone else. Back then... but even just a few weeks ago, I wanted to be with him again at the dance. But right after I knew Mark's friend, our awesome substitute teacher's younger brother (She's only 26... her younger brother goes to the same school as Mark and is in the same grade) was gone, THAT'S when my feelings for Jared hyped up. And I wanted him to dance with me. And I wanted his attention. And even though I was hurt that night because I thought he didn't want me, it seemed I was wrong, because we messaged each other, and we both decided to go out again.

How does that happen?!

In all honesty, I've been doubting trying this relationship again, since day 1. Our second (or third, if you wanna count the time I kept talking to him online...) try with this. (That debatably second time is an entirely different story...)

I didn't want to be like that quite yet with him. I wasn't ready, and I wasn't over Mark. It was my fault. And it's still my fault.

Like how Rose said she could see herself graduating here, because it had been the longest time she'd ever stayed in one place... (5 years...) and when she found out she had to move again, it made it all so much more real to me. So much sadder. Terribly so.

And so, even though Jared just jokingly mentioned something about '6 years later when I come to dinner and meet your parents...' and other details surrounding that... it just knocked things into perspective again. I hate that... constantly, constantly, I'm having moments that snap me back to something. Snap me back to reality. Back to the little land of dreams of mine... back to sanity... or insanity...

I can't believe I could hurt him like this. What am I gonna say?

"I'm sorry, but I'm still in love with Mark, even though he might not even like me anymore! And still hardly talks to me! When I call him... or see him in church... or even email him! I'm sorry, but bye!"

Yeah. Right.

I don't know... I could be honestly civilized... but... I... I don't want to hurt him. Even though it'll kill me to keep going with him, to have to end up kissing him, holding him, like he was my boyfriend again, the things I did as a 12 year old who only DREAMED of kissing and wrote about 'love'. I didn't know a thing. I still don't.

I can't believe myself... I already did this to Mark. To my other old boyfriends. Hurt them like that, even though they hardly knew. In sixth grade, I didn't know what having boyfriends and dating was. I just said 'let's go out' cuz I was desperate. Jared hooked us up. We were talking about being desperate for a boyfriend/girlfriend. And so there I was, with that kid's friend. I didn't yet admit I liked Jared then, but I guess it was weird... and then I flirted with this guy at my church. Because I was terrible back then. And I wasn't taking my relationship with Jared's friend seriously. I didn't know how yet. I was inexperienced and not used to having a commitment like that. I was just plain naiive. I'd been told I was flirtatious before. And I didn't understand. And I didn't want to like anyone. I just thought I was just talking... I HONESTLY didn't even realize what flirting was. I'm not even sure I get it quite yet.

And yet, I continued my stupidity. It led up to Jared. And I was going out with that kid from my church. Our youth group ended. I wouldn't see him unless I caught a glimpse of him at church. And I didn't go to first service then, so I wouldn't be able to see him anyway. And so when I started dating Jared for the first time, after admitting I liked him under sad circumstances (see 'Love: What It Means to Me'. The story about the a-hole friends comment, and little-kid variant playgrounds...). And so there we were. We dated the whole summer. This seems exactly like that.

Except it isn't at all.

Mark is constantly on my mind. He is my first boyfriend that I actually acted like a girlfriend with. The first boy who told me he loved me, called me pretty (outside my family...), and I felt attracted to in more than a crush-like manner. I was constantly trying to get him to communicate with him. We had a lot of similar interests. He had a subtle sense of humor, sometimes dark, at least playing games like Mafia and Killer (card roleplay games with... well, killers...), loved anime, INCLUDING Fruits Basket and Ouran High School Host Club, listened to Linkin Park (He listens to music according to his mood... which he stated, he listened to LP when he was depressed... but just the fact that he liked the band and listened to them without calling them a 'freakin' emo band' that 'only emos like', seemed to be enough for me...) and he was sad a lot... quiet... sensitive... yet, he was guy-ish too. Living with all his brother's. His family's split was tragical enough... his father's behavior as the cliche kinda 'rich guy who's always too busy with business' was just perfect. In so many ways, he resembled my mental romance novel boy. But I recently read something so applicable to me... on AvatarSpirit.Net, of all places. From a man who had his heart broken early, after a divorce of a two year marriage.

"At some point, you've got to let go of your fantasies and come back to the real world."

It seemed he didn't want to believe in love either, until it happened to him... which is understandable, considering his difficult position. I was playing girlfriend, while desperately wanting to help him. And yet, I wanted to just be his girlfriend too... after a while, I thought it got frustrating. I cried for him. I cried because I thought I messed up with him. Because he thought he hurt me, when he didn't. Because I pulled away from that kiss... it felt so awkward, my first kiss. It tasted weird too, if you want all honesty...

I kept snapping back to the real world in that relationship. And I said I loved him. But toward the end, everything seemed to be watering down... and I was getting involved, FAR too involved, with Jared, just online, just talking... but that was when him and I let ourselves go. We spoke so seriously online. I said I loved HIM, too, online. He said he loved me. I couldn't help but reciprocate. And truth be told, I wanted to... I do love him. I guess, just more in a platonic way, though. And though Mark and I are broken up, though I want us to be just friends, so I can still help him overcome whatever's going on, even though it seems so wrong to most people to be in any form of relationship with someone just to 'fix' them... I want to be with him.

Jared saw his future with me.

I saw my future with Mark. I dreamed about it, thought about it all the time while going out with him. I never doubted that we could work... even after all those years.

Though my heart longs for someone to be with forever, I was desperate to be so careful while going out with Mark. He'd done things a guy had never done before with me. Simple little things, normal things, you know? Put his arm around my waist, held my hand, then, when I decided it was uncomfortable to have him put his arm around my waist, he willingly moved to my shoulders, and I did the same. I didn't ever call him a dork. The only time I stereotyped him was back when Rose liked him, and plus, to us, it was a compliment, because we truly believed he was a (but mostly hot...) 'hawt emo guy'.

And he is. He really is.

But I like it... and I like him. Do I love him? I don't know...

I have so long to go. Even though, when I think about it, four years and I'll be in college. 10 and I'll be 23. So short... so little time... yet so much time. My teen years go fast. And slow. And I want someone to spend them with, but... is it time to find forever already? Do I really want that?

And what if I do something stupid? Will I go 9 months through school with no humor, background music, cute guys, attractive adoptive fathers for certain unborn children...? Will I do that? Would I do that? Would I go to a stupid party? And do something stupider? What will I mess up? How can I prevent it?

I don't wanna screw up either. Honestly, that's another subject entirely, and IF I ever got pregnant, and it was because I chose to do that with some guy, I'd have the child.

Just saying.

Anyway, back to the original topic.

*sigh*

I can't do this! I don't want to hurt my best guy friend, I don't know if Mark wants me back or if I'll stress him out, or if I'll ever learn to talk to him in a way that makes him want to talk to me with honest, truthful, long, liberating conversation, or if I'll ever be content with Jared as a boyfriend, or if I'll screw up, or if he'll try to make me screw up, or...

Gosh, I wish I lived in the age where none of this happened.

*sigh*

Oh well...

Lord, thank you for the people I know, for blessing me with the incredible people that I love. Please guide me through these difficult times... may I make decisions pleasing to you.

Amen.

*yawnz* Maybe I should go back to sleep... (Mission Trip rantness)

I'm tired cuz I got up at 7. Is that not pathetic? *sigh* *yaaaaaaaaaawn* Tiredness. Dx

Anyways, I decided to post a blog this morning. About... I dunno, we'll see.

I did one of my devotional thingies for the youth mission trip I'm doing in July... the little sections seem to be getting shorter, but the amount of pages for 'anticipation' remains the same, approximately 5 pages. But the reading devotion part things remains pretty long... the one I did today is about reverence. A deep respect. So, it spoke about how to show reverence to God, and the importance of showing reverence to higher authorities, like trip leaders, and local church leaders, and/or experienced mission trip peoples, on the trip. It'll be one interesting thing, I'll say that much. I've never been on a mission trip before, and although I'm not going out of the country, and about only... maybe anywhere between 5-8 hours out of the state, I know this is going to be a very different environment. And I'm good with that. I need to learn to be 'still' though, you know? Being at peace and having contentment with and in God is part of reverence to him... and so is listening to spiritual instruction, and praying to him.

So that's what I learned in my devotional today. (Our 'mission trip homework', heh...)

I miss Rose. (I hate coding right now... my brain does not have the capacity to code this morning... *yawn*) She is my bestest friend, and now her phone's like, dead or something, because she wasn't picking up yesterday... I hope everything's alright. (Her brother did something to the laptop, so she can't use that either... *headdesk*) I'm glad she's coming up in July for the trip though... even though the leaders will probably split everyone up. And I will show them reverence... even when I don't want to... but that's not right. Because I should want to. And I guess I do, if I do show them. I'll just miss hanging out with Rose all day, while working and stuffs... I heard it gets EXTREMELY hot over there... ugghhhh... South Dakota. And plus there's a dress code. DX Which means, even with temperatures, we are not permitted to wear any form of 'innappropriate' tank tops, or shorts... I don't need to worry about the shorts, cuz I don't wear shorts anyway, though I might want to once I get there. But the tops... yeah. My typical summer outfit:

Spaghetti strap tank top (with a built-in bra, so no need for extra... well, you know. And yes, those things still work for me, xP) and capris/skort.

I guess I'll be okay with it. Sweaty, but okay...

In all honesty, I'm really looking forward to this. It'll be like a week-long CareFest. Except, we're helping people directly... in Rapid City, South Dakota. It'll be a very new experience, and I think I'm going to like it. But I really do have a lot of spiritual preparation yet to do...

Well, talk at ya'll later.

-"Kim" (ALY)