I'll just summarize a few of the significant events in my summer. :)
June
A week before the girls' cabin trip, I went over to Ella's and slept over. It was rather fun. I remember that we watched this one episode of the X-Files, where Sculley and Mulder went to this house haunted by this older ghost couple that gets their kicks out of causing every couple that enters the house (that has the same-looking room in it, no matter what door you travel through, once you get past the entrance) to have their same fate--driven to the point where they kill themselves, or having the ghosts kill them, don't really remember. Now, it sounds intense, but the ghost couple themselves were somewhat humorous. Yet there were a couple of moments... yeah. Good episode. I remember Ella and I talked about stuff and then danced around to Lady Gaga's CD. XD That was really fun. I enjoyed hanging out with her.
The next weekend, I went on the Girls Get-a-way, a trip up to a cabin of one of the family's of a girl in my youth group, held on the same "weekend" (Thursday-Sunday) as the boys big camping trip... I think it was at the Boundary Waters. Anyway, it was awesome. We went tubing and kayaking, and bike riding, ate dinner at this nice pizza place and hung out with the girls telling stories and roasting marshmallows on the fire every night. Ella came with me there, and I think most of us had a great time, except for a girl who went home sick, and the one who had one of her dogs put down while we were there. Her dad (because they owned the cabin, and he was staying there a couple days) took her home when he went home. On the way back, we stopped at a Culver's for food, and Ella and I tanned on the front sidewalk of the restaurant. xD It was rather fun.
Various times during the summer, I caught up with a friend, that I've mentioned before, but don't remember her codename... anyway, I caught up with her on little bike rides over the summer, and that was pretty fun. I also hung out with "Macy" after church a few times, also fun. Later in the summer, I went to the pool and the mall with a girl from school, and I've become a little bit closer to her, which I'm glad that I have.
Another big highlight of my summer was another sleepover-one with Leah and Montana. For in-depth detail on that one:
http://iwillbitethephonetoproveitsharmless.blogspot.com/2009/06/sleepover-and-various-weekend-epicness.html
We went out to the river, watched Phantom of the Opera, and the Dark Knight. We recorded singing on Snapvine, and stayed up late. XD It was pretty darn awesome. :) Then Leah stayed the rest of the weekend. xD Pretty fun times for all of us.
Wow, I can't believe it was June 28... o.O That's pretty insanium in the cranium, dawg. Well, that's the highlights of June. :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
An attempt to revive... (ventish. I'm sorry. :( ) You don't have to read.
I am so, so, so, so, SO, incredibly sorry that I haven't been updating lately. And I'll do special posts on my first week of school and summer at... some point. :-/ I'm really sorry. I'll try to generalize some stuff here. Thanks for watching my blog, though, you guys are so great. And if you haven't been... ^^' Well, I totally and completely understand.
Things have been fairly easy for me the past three days, and tommorrow, I leave school in the middle of the day to go on a trip to Wisconsin Dells with my family, and that'll be fun.
But I know a few people I'm sure don't have it that easy.
I'm wondering if my end-of-summer fears are becoming true. Except, there are no problems with school for me yet. I just... when I come home, I continue researching whatever I feel like that day, I keep on questioning, and sometimes I have negative thoughts about myself and my body, yet starting phy ed today has me quite reassured. But I need more than that in exercise.
And I'm so, so focused on myself. I need to get rid of that. And look at me complaining about me when I could be talking about more interesting and less self-depreceating (sp?) like summer and the first days of school... and maybe even my friends. I mean... *sigh*
I wish I could really help some, I mean, there are things that they're going through, that might not be as intense as I've heard from them or my other ones before, but I know a couple of them are pretty stressed out.
I'm so selfish when it comes to stuff. When I should be quiet and supportive, I'm talkative and overly peppy. When I know there are more important things in someone's life, all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. And possibly, they never will. I'm so, so selfish. Some of you may know, but I save so many tears for guilt. Maybe when they should be for someone else's pain. Rather than what may or may not be my own justified guilt.
But I'm scared. Of losing what I already have, I'm always scared of losing people, but usually, I'm scared of people dying. Some times during this summer, that fear consumed my thoughts. I had two dreams, one where someone very close to me, someone in my family, was dying, and another, where my principal died, and I was returning to school, the summer afterwards, and just hearing the news.
I could write an entire blog post about that, but this is different. Now, I'm fearing the loss of living people. I hated reading Melody Carlson's "Dark Blue" because it was just hard to read. The girl might have been misinterpreting a lot from her friend, and overreacting a little, but the concept, drifting apart from your best friend, it was painful. "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson was painful, utterly painful, because it dealt with the negative pressures the girls put on each other, and their ultimate seperation.
I can't live paralyzed by fear, and I have give everything up to God, but I just hate considering... certain possibilities. I'm just so, too, dependent on people sometimes... on relationships sometimes... okay, all the time. I'll be downright honest, I am so utterly dependent on relationships. And on routines I have. And I can be pretty dang pathetic and insensitive a lot when it comes to some things and I just can't stand it most times. I acknowledge my behavior, but sometimes I wonder if I can change. I know I can, in God's strength. But I need help. I need His help. Through God I can do all things. And in His strength I can do anything. But I have to trust Him. I have to. My faith is key in everything I do, GOD is key in everything I do... God is always here.
Believers, if you could pray for my friends, I'm not going to go into detail about them, because I have several friends who need help with several things, if possible. And thank you all my readers for your support and readership. God bless you all. Love you all. Thanks so much again.
Things have been fairly easy for me the past three days, and tommorrow, I leave school in the middle of the day to go on a trip to Wisconsin Dells with my family, and that'll be fun.
But I know a few people I'm sure don't have it that easy.
I'm wondering if my end-of-summer fears are becoming true. Except, there are no problems with school for me yet. I just... when I come home, I continue researching whatever I feel like that day, I keep on questioning, and sometimes I have negative thoughts about myself and my body, yet starting phy ed today has me quite reassured. But I need more than that in exercise.
And I'm so, so focused on myself. I need to get rid of that. And look at me complaining about me when I could be talking about more interesting and less self-depreceating (sp?) like summer and the first days of school... and maybe even my friends. I mean... *sigh*
I wish I could really help some, I mean, there are things that they're going through, that might not be as intense as I've heard from them or my other ones before, but I know a couple of them are pretty stressed out.
I'm so selfish when it comes to stuff. When I should be quiet and supportive, I'm talkative and overly peppy. When I know there are more important things in someone's life, all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. And possibly, they never will. I'm so, so selfish. Some of you may know, but I save so many tears for guilt. Maybe when they should be for someone else's pain. Rather than what may or may not be my own justified guilt.
But I'm scared. Of losing what I already have, I'm always scared of losing people, but usually, I'm scared of people dying. Some times during this summer, that fear consumed my thoughts. I had two dreams, one where someone very close to me, someone in my family, was dying, and another, where my principal died, and I was returning to school, the summer afterwards, and just hearing the news.
I could write an entire blog post about that, but this is different. Now, I'm fearing the loss of living people. I hated reading Melody Carlson's "Dark Blue" because it was just hard to read. The girl might have been misinterpreting a lot from her friend, and overreacting a little, but the concept, drifting apart from your best friend, it was painful. "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson was painful, utterly painful, because it dealt with the negative pressures the girls put on each other, and their ultimate seperation.
I can't live paralyzed by fear, and I have give everything up to God, but I just hate considering... certain possibilities. I'm just so, too, dependent on people sometimes... on relationships sometimes... okay, all the time. I'll be downright honest, I am so utterly dependent on relationships. And on routines I have. And I can be pretty dang pathetic and insensitive a lot when it comes to some things and I just can't stand it most times. I acknowledge my behavior, but sometimes I wonder if I can change. I know I can, in God's strength. But I need help. I need His help. Through God I can do all things. And in His strength I can do anything. But I have to trust Him. I have to. My faith is key in everything I do, GOD is key in everything I do... God is always here.
Believers, if you could pray for my friends, I'm not going to go into detail about them, because I have several friends who need help with several things, if possible. And thank you all my readers for your support and readership. God bless you all. Love you all. Thanks so much again.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Because of my neglectfulness and laziness...
http://www.snapvine.com/sb/d426684c8b4911dea02d0030485b0f88?user=475e261af5f511dc81880030485b0f88
Snapvine for my blog post. Some of it got scratchy, so I apologize, but yeah. :( Thanks guys for following this even though I'm the WORST blog updater on the face of the planet... o.O
ILY all! God bless! :) I hope you guys have a great rest-of-the-summer!
Snapvine for my blog post. Some of it got scratchy, so I apologize, but yeah. :( Thanks guys for following this even though I'm the WORST blog updater on the face of the planet... o.O
ILY all! God bless! :) I hope you guys have a great rest-of-the-summer!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Music-y-stolen thingy. (I GOT TOO MANY SERIOUS AND NON-AWKWARD ONES. xP)
(This was originally on Levi's blog, then on Dibsy's blog, but I must give credit to Levi for his coolness in posting this. 8) YOU ARE AWESOME!)
((I may have songs that are a little too poppish on my Windows Media Player for your guys' taste, so I apologize. D: Also, because you probably won't know of her, when she shows up in this: http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/ Jill Pearson, who attends my church, who sings and writes amazingly, and is overall awesome. :) You can listen to some of her songs and look at the lyrics of all of them there.))
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down
If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
"Photograph" by Nickelback (...Okay then. Lol. That's a bit of a rant for "Is this okay?"...)
How would you describe yourself?
"This is What It Means to Love" by Jill Pearson (A bit of an ego there, title-wise, I must have... *jk*)
What do you like in a guy/girl?
"Far Away"-Nickelback (I don't like to be far away from people... :( But that's okay. It's a good, romantic, song, so I guess it works. :) ILY Nattie. <3)
How do you feel today?
"My, Oh My, What a Miracle"- Jill Pearson (I wish. :( )
What's your life purpose?
"Fall to Pieces"- Avril Lavigne (Lovely... xP )
What do your friends think of you?
Say (All I Need)- OneRepublic (I guess it... could... sort of maybe fit? o.o)
What do your parents think of you?
Innocence- Avril Lavigne (Great... heheheh... they are clueless. *jk*)
What do you often think about?
Nothing in this World- Hoku (Lovely. A post break-up song. *sigh* I don't think so...)
What do you think about the person you like?
Who Knew~ P!nk ( :( Sadness. )
What is your life's story?
Living Water~ Jill Pearson (I think that's a good thing... ^^)
What do you want to be when you grow up?
High School~ Superchick (I hope I'm more grown up than that... though I might not be, sadly. :-/ )
What will you dance to at your wedding?
All at Once- The Fray (I suppose that's okay. I hope my future husband and I are sure about each other... )
What will they play at your funeral?
Turn My Heart~ Jill Pearson (Saddish. :( Hopefully my heart will be focused where it should be then. No... it will be. Thank you, Lord.)
What is your biggest fear?
Contagious~ Avril Lavigne (.-. Well, obsessive relationships are usually a problem... but this could be genuine in the song... yeah, it probably is... maybe... gah. I don't really fear that though...)
What is your biggest secret?
Princes and Frogs- Superchick (O.O I am not a boy, if that's what it's saying...)
What is your future going to be like?
Chocolate~ Jill Pearson (XDDDD)
What do you see in the person you like?
We Will Follow the Sun~ Hoku (Sure, why not. xD :) ILY, Nattie, again. <3 )
What will the song be for you and your spouse?
Runaway- Avril Lavigne (I hope not...)
---This is where the original one I found stops, but I'ma keep going with another one I just found. I'm having too much fun doing this. I have to do this more.---Levi
Will you get far in life?
Four in the Morning~ Gwen Stefani (...Um, what exactly does that mean? o.o)
Will you get married?
The Best D*mn Thing~ Avril Lavigne (What does that mean? I hope it's a yes... I wanna get married. D: :( )
What is your best friend's theme song?
Savin' Me~ Nickelback (Leah... is there something you're not telling me about? )
What was high school like?
Pure~ Superchick (I hope so...)
How can you get ahead in life?
Franklin~ Paramore (FINALLY! A Paramore song! :D Anyway... Sounds kind of melancholy. So I should stay in my town? o.O)
What is the best thing about your friends?
At the Corners~ Jill Pearson (Awww... you guys are awesome. :) )
What is in store for this weekend?
Songs with Wings~ Jill Pearson (Sounds good to me.)
To describe your grandparents?
So Bright (Stand Up)-Superchick (I don't know my grandparents very well... but I suppose that's goodish... sounds like something a grandparent might tell their grandchild maybe if they were doing stuff that isn't so great...)
How is your life going?
This is my Friend- Jill Pearson (AWESOME! Amen to that.)
How does the world see you?
We Live~ Superchick (Happy.)
Will you have a happy life?
God of Hope~ Jill Pearson (Amen to that.)
Do people secretly lust after you?
My Heart~ Paramore (People secretly want to give their heart to me? o.o)
How can I make myself happy?
Hundred~ The Fray (But that's a MELANCHOLY song... :( )
What should you do with your life?
Restore~ Jill Pearson (I suppose that's goodish.)
Will you ever have children?
Beautiful Offering~ Jill Pearson (o.o I think that's a yes... yay!)
If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do?
It's On~ Superchick (XD)
What does your mum think of you?
Anything but Ordinary~ Avril Lavigne (I suppose that's a good thing... I am anything but ordinary. *jk* XD :) Thank you... mom?)
What is your deep dark secret?
Vienna~ The Fray (What's that supposed to mean?! o.o)
What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
What I've Done~ Linkin Park (Well, at least whoever my mortal enemy is won't be my mortal enemy forever...)
What's your personality like?
Lying for You~ Linkin Park (Oh joy. o.ee. Two Linkin Park songs in a row... o.o)
What's your motto?
Can God Live in a Broken Heart- Jill Pearson (Okay. God can live in a broken heart...)
What do you think about often?
She Is~ The Fray (Ummm... maybe? o.ee Probably not. I don't think of girls that way... maybe my friends...)
What do you want right now?
You First Believed~ Hoku (Sure.)
((Wow, I'm done. D: No super-awkward ones. Which is sadness. *sigh* But still goodish, I suppose. I wish YouTube had a shuffle button on playlists... that would work waaaaaay better. XD :)
((I may have songs that are a little too poppish on my Windows Media Player for your guys' taste, so I apologize. D: Also, because you probably won't know of her, when she shows up in this: http://www.jillpearsonmusic.com/ Jill Pearson, who attends my church, who sings and writes amazingly, and is overall awesome. :) You can listen to some of her songs and look at the lyrics of all of them there.))
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down
If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
"Photograph" by Nickelback (...Okay then. Lol. That's a bit of a rant for "Is this okay?"...)
How would you describe yourself?
"This is What It Means to Love" by Jill Pearson (A bit of an ego there, title-wise, I must have... *jk*)
What do you like in a guy/girl?
"Far Away"-Nickelback (I don't like to be far away from people... :( But that's okay. It's a good, romantic, song, so I guess it works. :) ILY Nattie. <3)
How do you feel today?
"My, Oh My, What a Miracle"- Jill Pearson (I wish. :( )
What's your life purpose?
"Fall to Pieces"- Avril Lavigne (Lovely... xP )
What do your friends think of you?
Say (All I Need)- OneRepublic (I guess it... could... sort of maybe fit? o.o)
What do your parents think of you?
Innocence- Avril Lavigne (Great... heheheh... they are clueless. *jk*)
What do you often think about?
Nothing in this World- Hoku (Lovely. A post break-up song. *sigh* I don't think so...)
What do you think about the person you like?
Who Knew~ P!nk ( :( Sadness. )
What is your life's story?
Living Water~ Jill Pearson (I think that's a good thing... ^^)
What do you want to be when you grow up?
High School~ Superchick (I hope I'm more grown up than that... though I might not be, sadly. :-/ )
What will you dance to at your wedding?
All at Once- The Fray (I suppose that's okay. I hope my future husband and I are sure about each other... )
What will they play at your funeral?
Turn My Heart~ Jill Pearson (Saddish. :( Hopefully my heart will be focused where it should be then. No... it will be. Thank you, Lord.)
What is your biggest fear?
Contagious~ Avril Lavigne (.-. Well, obsessive relationships are usually a problem... but this could be genuine in the song... yeah, it probably is... maybe... gah. I don't really fear that though...)
What is your biggest secret?
Princes and Frogs- Superchick (O.O I am not a boy, if that's what it's saying...)
What is your future going to be like?
Chocolate~ Jill Pearson (XDDDD)
What do you see in the person you like?
We Will Follow the Sun~ Hoku (Sure, why not. xD :) ILY, Nattie, again. <3 )
What will the song be for you and your spouse?
Runaway- Avril Lavigne (I hope not...)
---This is where the original one I found stops, but I'ma keep going with another one I just found. I'm having too much fun doing this. I have to do this more.---Levi
Will you get far in life?
Four in the Morning~ Gwen Stefani (...Um, what exactly does that mean? o.o)
Will you get married?
The Best D*mn Thing~ Avril Lavigne (What does that mean? I hope it's a yes... I wanna get married. D: :( )
What is your best friend's theme song?
Savin' Me~ Nickelback (Leah... is there something you're not telling me about? )
What was high school like?
Pure~ Superchick (I hope so...)
How can you get ahead in life?
Franklin~ Paramore (FINALLY! A Paramore song! :D Anyway... Sounds kind of melancholy. So I should stay in my town? o.O)
What is the best thing about your friends?
At the Corners~ Jill Pearson (Awww... you guys are awesome. :) )
What is in store for this weekend?
Songs with Wings~ Jill Pearson (Sounds good to me.)
To describe your grandparents?
So Bright (Stand Up)-Superchick (I don't know my grandparents very well... but I suppose that's goodish... sounds like something a grandparent might tell their grandchild maybe if they were doing stuff that isn't so great...)
How is your life going?
This is my Friend- Jill Pearson (AWESOME! Amen to that.)
How does the world see you?
We Live~ Superchick (Happy.)
Will you have a happy life?
God of Hope~ Jill Pearson (Amen to that.)
Do people secretly lust after you?
My Heart~ Paramore (People secretly want to give their heart to me? o.o)
How can I make myself happy?
Hundred~ The Fray (But that's a MELANCHOLY song... :( )
What should you do with your life?
Restore~ Jill Pearson (I suppose that's goodish.)
Will you ever have children?
Beautiful Offering~ Jill Pearson (o.o I think that's a yes... yay!)
If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do?
It's On~ Superchick (XD)
What does your mum think of you?
Anything but Ordinary~ Avril Lavigne (I suppose that's a good thing... I am anything but ordinary. *jk* XD :) Thank you... mom?)
What is your deep dark secret?
Vienna~ The Fray (What's that supposed to mean?! o.o)
What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
What I've Done~ Linkin Park (Well, at least whoever my mortal enemy is won't be my mortal enemy forever...)
What's your personality like?
Lying for You~ Linkin Park (Oh joy. o.ee. Two Linkin Park songs in a row... o.o)
What's your motto?
Can God Live in a Broken Heart- Jill Pearson (Okay. God can live in a broken heart...)
What do you think about often?
She Is~ The Fray (Ummm... maybe? o.ee Probably not. I don't think of girls that way... maybe my friends...)
What do you want right now?
You First Believed~ Hoku (Sure.)
((Wow, I'm done. D: No super-awkward ones. Which is sadness. *sigh* But still goodish, I suppose. I wish YouTube had a shuffle button on playlists... that would work waaaaaay better. XD :)
(reflection-y-rant-thing; probably serious) ...a person, not a problem.
That's what I'm trying to remind myself. Now that I think of it, that saying up there could be applied to a lot of things. Like one of the issues I seem to care so much about. Man, so many thought... just tumbling into another... It's always hard to focus on what I originally wanted to write about, once I get a thought-snowball like that.
I think I'll seperate my character flaws/whatever I should call them/negative thoughts into external and internal. External is stuff I could express out loud to someone that might be hurtful/frustrating/anger-inducing or what I do express out loud. Internal is a struggle that goes on within me, which could be self-exteem, or purely spiritual, like temptations, or just something that I personally think is screwed up in me.
I will admit, I can be really stupid and mean in my head. To other people. I would totally... well, I wouldn't kill, but I'd do something extreme just to be as sensitive as was about two to three years ago. Without being lost spiritually, anyway. I had the best empathy on earth. I guess I say that a lot, and that makes me think I'm whiney, like how I complain about my weight all the time, ignore how my friends say I'm not fat, and how I don't exercise hardly enough even after a day of enough snacks to match the three, carb-heavy, meals that I eat every day.
Sometimes I forget that my friends are more than just the issues that I see they have. I think that's the problem anyway. I can't find a balance, just like I can't with my self-perception. If I'm too friendly and ignore whatever's going on in their life and just don't say a word about it as I watch them go farther and farther from where they could, should, would be, it's just... not good. Sometimes we have to break our friends rules and intervene. Or at least try. And then if I'm too analytical or too talkative about their issues, they hate me for it. There is never a happy medium for the way I act. I cling to some friends. I never bring up whatever's going wrong in their life unless they do. I cling to some friends, and then I feel responsibility to others. If I don't talk to them in a while, I feel guilty, because what if their situation got worse? Or what if... what if, what if, what if. And it's like I'm not talking to them because I want to talk to them. And sometimes I'm like an information addict with my friends. A lot of the time, I'm curious at to what they have to say. And each time I find out something new about them, I have such a great feeling, like I'm more and more trusted. And then, I realize, I don't deserve trust, because I've betrayed their secrets before, even if it was just a crush, which it usually is. And then serious things, I don't let anyone else know. I have, I think, about two friends who willingly come to me with their problems and accept the words I say to them in response. It's not always just advice, sometimes it's just... I dunno. My responses. I feel so invasive sometimes. I know I am sometimes. Sometimes I'm genuinely concerned. Usually it's trivial things I'm invasive about, like boys and crushes. I try not to push so hard on serious issues. Only when they bring them up. They're people, not issues, not problems... these things either don't define them at all, or entirely make them who they are. If they're not taking charge, if they're not letting God in, or anyone else who tries to help.
I don't think I can be a co-dependent, because my family hasn't had the kind of issues that makes a person a co-dependent. Either that, or I'm ridiculously unorthodox. I don't fit all the symptoms either. I usually go up for personal responsibility when it comes to a person's actions, even if they have a mental disorder, which might ruin my chances of becoming a psychologist... I mean, things can be distorted when one has a disorder, but that doesn't mean one should not take responsibility for those actions. I don't even know where I got my basis, it's just my current thoughts. I wasn't always that way. But I'm such a hypocrite. What if... I just had something to blame on all of my wrong thoughts and actions? Not even another person, but just something within myself that "made" me act the way I did? What sick person wishes that? Even thinks of it? It's like sin--Satan tempts, but we commit the action of sin. No one, not even the evilest force "makes" us sin. It's just the way we are... and we have the choice, to bless or curse. To live or die spiritually.
I'll never wish this short life over before it's time again, but I just wish I could get a total mental makeover. I wish I could be the person who could balance, and the one that God wants me to be. I have to work though. Just like my whining problems, I've just gotta work... really, really hard.
Prayer requests again to my believing friends (You don't have to; it's just requests):
-My former piano-teaching friend in Kazahkstan, who is teaching English there. That she remains safe and reaches out the best way she can for the Lord in the country.
-A man who lost his cousin recently, to suicide. For the family and everyone.
-The country. We're lost, but we can be found again. That all will turn to God even more.
((Happy Late American Independence Day, guys. :) ))
And now I feel better after writing all this stuff. It wasn't good to write, but I feel better... I really do care about you guys, my friends. I love you guys so much. I'm amazed how you can put up with me all the time. You guys are the greatest people I've ever met, and I really don't know where I'd be without you. I thank God for you everyday.
I think I'll seperate my character flaws/whatever I should call them/negative thoughts into external and internal. External is stuff I could express out loud to someone that might be hurtful/frustrating/anger-inducing or what I do express out loud. Internal is a struggle that goes on within me, which could be self-exteem, or purely spiritual, like temptations, or just something that I personally think is screwed up in me.
I will admit, I can be really stupid and mean in my head. To other people. I would totally... well, I wouldn't kill, but I'd do something extreme just to be as sensitive as was about two to three years ago. Without being lost spiritually, anyway. I had the best empathy on earth. I guess I say that a lot, and that makes me think I'm whiney, like how I complain about my weight all the time, ignore how my friends say I'm not fat, and how I don't exercise hardly enough even after a day of enough snacks to match the three, carb-heavy, meals that I eat every day.
Sometimes I forget that my friends are more than just the issues that I see they have. I think that's the problem anyway. I can't find a balance, just like I can't with my self-perception. If I'm too friendly and ignore whatever's going on in their life and just don't say a word about it as I watch them go farther and farther from where they could, should, would be, it's just... not good. Sometimes we have to break our friends rules and intervene. Or at least try. And then if I'm too analytical or too talkative about their issues, they hate me for it. There is never a happy medium for the way I act. I cling to some friends. I never bring up whatever's going wrong in their life unless they do. I cling to some friends, and then I feel responsibility to others. If I don't talk to them in a while, I feel guilty, because what if their situation got worse? Or what if... what if, what if, what if. And it's like I'm not talking to them because I want to talk to them. And sometimes I'm like an information addict with my friends. A lot of the time, I'm curious at to what they have to say. And each time I find out something new about them, I have such a great feeling, like I'm more and more trusted. And then, I realize, I don't deserve trust, because I've betrayed their secrets before, even if it was just a crush, which it usually is. And then serious things, I don't let anyone else know. I have, I think, about two friends who willingly come to me with their problems and accept the words I say to them in response. It's not always just advice, sometimes it's just... I dunno. My responses. I feel so invasive sometimes. I know I am sometimes. Sometimes I'm genuinely concerned. Usually it's trivial things I'm invasive about, like boys and crushes. I try not to push so hard on serious issues. Only when they bring them up. They're people, not issues, not problems... these things either don't define them at all, or entirely make them who they are. If they're not taking charge, if they're not letting God in, or anyone else who tries to help.
I don't think I can be a co-dependent, because my family hasn't had the kind of issues that makes a person a co-dependent. Either that, or I'm ridiculously unorthodox. I don't fit all the symptoms either. I usually go up for personal responsibility when it comes to a person's actions, even if they have a mental disorder, which might ruin my chances of becoming a psychologist... I mean, things can be distorted when one has a disorder, but that doesn't mean one should not take responsibility for those actions. I don't even know where I got my basis, it's just my current thoughts. I wasn't always that way. But I'm such a hypocrite. What if... I just had something to blame on all of my wrong thoughts and actions? Not even another person, but just something within myself that "made" me act the way I did? What sick person wishes that? Even thinks of it? It's like sin--Satan tempts, but we commit the action of sin. No one, not even the evilest force "makes" us sin. It's just the way we are... and we have the choice, to bless or curse. To live or die spiritually.
I'll never wish this short life over before it's time again, but I just wish I could get a total mental makeover. I wish I could be the person who could balance, and the one that God wants me to be. I have to work though. Just like my whining problems, I've just gotta work... really, really hard.
Prayer requests again to my believing friends (You don't have to; it's just requests):
-My former piano-teaching friend in Kazahkstan, who is teaching English there. That she remains safe and reaches out the best way she can for the Lord in the country.
-A man who lost his cousin recently, to suicide. For the family and everyone.
-The country. We're lost, but we can be found again. That all will turn to God even more.
((Happy Late American Independence Day, guys. :) ))
And now I feel better after writing all this stuff. It wasn't good to write, but I feel better... I really do care about you guys, my friends. I love you guys so much. I'm amazed how you can put up with me all the time. You guys are the greatest people I've ever met, and I really don't know where I'd be without you. I thank God for you everyday.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
And now to get serious. :-/ (Reflections and vents and what not...)
Alright, I neglected talking about all the other events in June that have gone on, and toward the end of the schoolyear. There are a lot of them, lots of fun stuff. That I could go into detail on. I might later.
I was looking over my blog, looking at the 2008 posts, and decided to see if there was another one from this date last year, June 28. And so I did, and I was amazed. I was just... sobered. Because I've changed so much in a year, and not in a good way. I've heard all of this stuff lately, celebrity death, death of friends, watching intense fiction that involves death and pain and it's just... nothing gets to me anymore. My friends who are most likely to have issues or do, I neglect calling them, just to talk. Not that I don't pray for those who are in pain.
I was so spiritually mature last year. On June 28, 2008, I wrote about a night a remember, about my friend "Sam 2", and he was having a hard time, and how much I cared for him, how much God was so prominent and amazing, a wonderful Creator, a friend, a Healer. Something broke me sometime, I don't know what... well, maybe I do. I'm so dang selfish, I can't stand it. I'd rather, no offense to anyone, be miserable and empathetic like I was a few years ago, where every little hint of hurt in another person's life could make me cry and pray and want to help, and I hated myself while desperately hoping for others, than be selfish and unable to crack. I save tears for guilt. I've been like that for a while, even back then. Guilt, guilt, guilt, I haven't even felt that guilty in a while. I wish I did, because that would mean I care.
Last night, while watching Slumdog Millionaire, I had started to feel a little sick to my stomach, but it had nothing to do with the movie. When my dad or brother tried to say something about the sad things in the movie, and everything, I told them to be quiet, and watched, and rather than feeling horrible for the little boy who was blinded by the sick men who were teaching all these orphans how to beg, I was burning angry, wishing for retribution for the man and his accomplices. And as other graphic and terrible images and fictional memories that could be very real in real India appeared, I was just in a numb, saddish shell. How could that happen? I was still more angry though... I don't know, this had more logic when I thought it... I just didn't have the right emotional reaction.At least I thought I didn't. Now I do, I know how horrible it is. And I really want to do something to help out those who have lives like Jamal, Salim, and Latika's, in India, and wherever else. But immediately, I didn't react right or maybe not at all. I couldn't watch the men blind the boy, though... That was too horrible.
Regardless, that's just my reaction to fiction. There have been a ton of celebrity deaths lately, but that's not what got me. A friend of mine told me about her friends, who had lost four friends of theirs. She gave me a link to their local news. Five teens were in a car accident, with a man who might have been under the influence of alcohol, one teen, the driver in the car with the five, in critical condition, being the only survivor in that vehicle, and the man who hit them. He had minor, non-life-threatening injuries. How unfair, how terrible, how horrible, miserable, sad, that is... I just feel kind of heavy now, though I know people die everyday. It's just sad. None of the teens were over 16. I'm praying for all of them.
I don't know what's happened to me. Doubt and questions were planted in me, and Satan and people are pulling me in all these directions. I think I get the part in Romans, where Paul writes on how the sinful nature and the Spirit are always in conflict within him. I think that's the way it is for a lot of Christians, but I feel it. I just want to do things right, and live the way God wants me to. I want to be confident in who I am and what I want to do. I want to be able to let go of things, and not judge wrongly or cruelly, and I want to be able to take responsibility, and to step up to the plate, and care and break and hurt...
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15
I don't want to be prideful, I want to be able to be corrected, and not argue, and yet still, not hold back when I SHOULD say something... man. This life... I've gotta change. So much. One day at a time, I guess. If you guys don't mind, I'd like to ask my believer friends, I have a prayer request: Could you pray for the friend and her friends I mentioned earlier, and another friend of mine who's done something and another who's moving to a new place soon? That would be so greatly appreciated.
I really appreciate all who visit my blog. You're amazing people. God bless all, and He loves you all, and I love you guys. :) Thanks for your kindness and readership. ^^
I was looking over my blog, looking at the 2008 posts, and decided to see if there was another one from this date last year, June 28. And so I did, and I was amazed. I was just... sobered. Because I've changed so much in a year, and not in a good way. I've heard all of this stuff lately, celebrity death, death of friends, watching intense fiction that involves death and pain and it's just... nothing gets to me anymore. My friends who are most likely to have issues or do, I neglect calling them, just to talk. Not that I don't pray for those who are in pain.
I was so spiritually mature last year. On June 28, 2008, I wrote about a night a remember, about my friend "Sam 2", and he was having a hard time, and how much I cared for him, how much God was so prominent and amazing, a wonderful Creator, a friend, a Healer. Something broke me sometime, I don't know what... well, maybe I do. I'm so dang selfish, I can't stand it. I'd rather, no offense to anyone, be miserable and empathetic like I was a few years ago, where every little hint of hurt in another person's life could make me cry and pray and want to help, and I hated myself while desperately hoping for others, than be selfish and unable to crack. I save tears for guilt. I've been like that for a while, even back then. Guilt, guilt, guilt, I haven't even felt that guilty in a while. I wish I did, because that would mean I care.
Last night, while watching Slumdog Millionaire, I had started to feel a little sick to my stomach, but it had nothing to do with the movie. When my dad or brother tried to say something about the sad things in the movie, and everything, I told them to be quiet, and watched, and rather than feeling horrible for the little boy who was blinded by the sick men who were teaching all these orphans how to beg, I was burning angry, wishing for retribution for the man and his accomplices. And as other graphic and terrible images and fictional memories that could be very real in real India appeared, I was just in a numb, saddish shell. How could that happen? I was still more angry though... I don't know, this had more logic when I thought it... I just didn't have the right emotional reaction.At least I thought I didn't. Now I do, I know how horrible it is. And I really want to do something to help out those who have lives like Jamal, Salim, and Latika's, in India, and wherever else. But immediately, I didn't react right or maybe not at all. I couldn't watch the men blind the boy, though... That was too horrible.
Regardless, that's just my reaction to fiction. There have been a ton of celebrity deaths lately, but that's not what got me. A friend of mine told me about her friends, who had lost four friends of theirs. She gave me a link to their local news. Five teens were in a car accident, with a man who might have been under the influence of alcohol, one teen, the driver in the car with the five, in critical condition, being the only survivor in that vehicle, and the man who hit them. He had minor, non-life-threatening injuries. How unfair, how terrible, how horrible, miserable, sad, that is... I just feel kind of heavy now, though I know people die everyday. It's just sad. None of the teens were over 16. I'm praying for all of them.
I don't know what's happened to me. Doubt and questions were planted in me, and Satan and people are pulling me in all these directions. I think I get the part in Romans, where Paul writes on how the sinful nature and the Spirit are always in conflict within him. I think that's the way it is for a lot of Christians, but I feel it. I just want to do things right, and live the way God wants me to. I want to be confident in who I am and what I want to do. I want to be able to let go of things, and not judge wrongly or cruelly, and I want to be able to take responsibility, and to step up to the plate, and care and break and hurt...
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
-Romans 12:15
I don't want to be prideful, I want to be able to be corrected, and not argue, and yet still, not hold back when I SHOULD say something... man. This life... I've gotta change. So much. One day at a time, I guess. If you guys don't mind, I'd like to ask my believer friends, I have a prayer request: Could you pray for the friend and her friends I mentioned earlier, and another friend of mine who's done something and another who's moving to a new place soon? That would be so greatly appreciated.
I really appreciate all who visit my blog. You're amazing people. God bless all, and He loves you all, and I love you guys. :) Thanks for your kindness and readership. ^^
Sleepover and various weekend epicness. (mostly a rant of recollection, some unnecessary stuff maybe. xD)
Leah, Ella, and I had a sleepover this weekend. It was supposed to be a huge movie night, with all the Harry Potter movies out being watched (provided that Leah brought them), Phantom of the Opera, The Dark Knight, and Transformers. The grocery store with movie rentals didn't have Transformers out anymore. xP And Leah forgot the Harry Potter movies... (and to return my Remedy Drive CD!!! D:< That's okay, though, I can wait... ^^'). So we wound up watching only two movies. They came over on Friday, and it was around... 4:40 or so, and it was amazing. We put their stuff away, and then we changed into our swimsuits (I lent Ella a skort to put on because she didn't have her suit, and I didn't have any regular shorts... xD ^^'). And we went to the river. It was a new part of the river that I'd been wanting to visit for a while, and it was amazing!!! XD :) There was a little deeper, poolish area, that wasn't too deep, but it was pretty awesome, and we swam around in it, and it had soft, silky, silt-mud on the floor of it, and it felt like we were walking in chocolate pudding... yeah, healthy, I know right? It was so much fun though. xD :) We walked through a small part of the river. Most of it was pretty shallow, not like the other part that we usually go to. It was epic fun. Then we went back home, and then we rented The Dark Knight, and we ate pizza and bread and Ella and Leah had apple juice, and then we watched Phantom of the Opera. Just to say, ELLA AND LEAH ARE VERY OPINIONATED (sp?). xD They're both super-fans of Erik/Kristine, and can't stand Raoul... but yeah, it was a good movie, from what I caught out of it. ^^' The Dark Knight, we realized, is a very, very deep movie, once you get past the needless violence. We stayed up until a little past 2:30 AM (Leah and I ran outside for a few minutes while it was storming, because it had FINALLY started raining...). And then we slept. And Saturday morning, we did this:
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/u-PKPGMqEd6F1gAwSFsPiA
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/6JwOQmMtEd60-gAwSFxytA
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/TNh5JGMxEd60-gAwSFxytA
It was pretty cool. xD :) We are dorks, and we're crazy and all that jazz, but we rock. XD :) It was very fun to record those.
After Montana went home, Leah stayed, and we hung out for the day, and walked in the part of the river we usually went on. We kept wanting it to rain, but the sun was absorbing the clouds and stalking us xP Finally, it did, a little. It was really cool, the way the clouds arranged. Partway sunny, partway cloudy, some patches of blue in the sky, it was awesome. The small bit of rain was fun. xD We love the river... XD :) Leah, my family, and I went to this place called Camp Victory, for this carnival. We were originally going to just bring her home after the carnival, which would have ended at 10:30 PM, but we decided she should just stay over if it was that late, and so we planned to have Leah sleepover another night. We sang Remedy Drive and attempted Children 18:3 in the car. xD When we got there, she and I played this game where two people had to throw a ball into a hoop, while being attached to this cable or something through an inflatable thing, with one person attached to one end, the other to the other end. Whoever puts the ball in first, wins (Ella, if you're reading this, it's the game you and Leah played at Sunshine, xD :) ). But it was shorter than Leah and Ella's elementary school's Spring Fling carnival (we only got one ball. xP). Afterward, we went and got funnel cake and popcorn and food and we ate. xD Funnel cake is one of the most unhealthy and delicious culinary inventions ever. XD ^^' Heh... yeah...
Leah and I played an 18-hole game of Mini-Golf. And I failed. Though I got a hole-in-one on hole 7. XD But that was the only good thing I ever did in the rest of the game. xD The rest of it, I failed on. xP And I would guide the ball into a hole, rather than hit it, once I got close enough... ^^' Heh... heheh.
The most fun part of the carnival was the stuff we did that we didn't fully realize we weren't supposed to. ^^' Heh. There was caution tape, but we went under it, because we saw these girls playing with water balloons by the Water Wars machine (http://www.funfilledevents.com/images/water_wars_pics_014_mpu4.jpg Basically like that one, except without the net or the big X in the middle, and just randomly outside, nothing protecting the ground...). Water Wars was also at the elementary school's carnival, and that's what I recognized it from, and it is EPICALLY FUN.
Anyway, it was suspiciously close to the fireworks, which were supposed to go off later that night... heh. Well, we disregarded that and started blowing up balloons, as soon as we could make the balloon-filling-thingy work without spitting water out from the hose. Soon, a father and his son showed up, after we launched a couple balloons at each other. The little boy started playing with the balloons, and the man talked with us. And then another boy showed up, an older one. Him and the other boy started playing and filling balloons. And then an older boy showed up. And then this huge group of kids and a couple of adults with them, who looked related to them, showed up, and started playing. So it was turning into a watery mess of fun. Another family showed up, two little girls, their mom, and then their dad showed up later. Eventually, my mom and dad showed up. Leah and I and my dad all threw some balloon at each other. xD And then... a guy from the camp showed up said that the Water Wars was actually for the campers, and it was pretty close to the fireworks and not supposed to be in use, sooo... ^^' Heheh. We had to stop. D: It was sad, and Leah and I felt a little guilty for opening it up, but it was still fun. We left early, but Leah was still sleeping over, which we were happy about. xD
We came home, and rented Slumdog Millionaire. My dad, brother, Leah, and I watched it. I don't think my mom was all that interested. That movie was intense. o.o Afterward, Leah had a sandwich and apple juice *random* and we went on the computer, and Leah was bent on harrassing me to upload photos to Facebook that I've been procrastinating on for weeks... ^^' Heh... heheh. But then the internet died after one picture. xP So we all went to bed (Leah, my brother, and me). Leah and I only stayed up until midnight, but it was alright.
We got up this morning, and it actually wasn't burning hot, so I was amazed. I slept in the guest room (two beds, one room, etc.) and had this thing that happens sometimes when I sleep in hotels, where I think I'm up in my room, and found that I was underneath a blanket over my head, so I kicked it off as fast as possible, cuz I was kinda freaked out, but then I realized I was just in the guest room, and I'm like "Oh...".
And then I was headed for the door, and Leah shoots right up. xD It was epic. I was amazed at how quickly she woke up this morning. xD She told me about her epic dream, where her and Jamal from Slumdog Millionaire went to McDonald's and they weren't allowed to go in because they were too dirty and shoeless... you'll have to ask her about it. :) It was pretty epicsauce.
I took a shower and then I got out and then Leah chose clothes to borrow from me, because she'd only brought two outfits that weekend, and she looked very feminine. xD :) ^^ Mwahahahahaha...
We ate a breakfast of coffee (Leah; I didn't have much coffee this weekend, sadly. D:), biscuits, bacon, and eggs. :) It was very good. And then we drove up to Rochester, singing Children 18:3's "Mock the Music" when it came onto the radio, and it was amazing. XD And then we got up to Sunday School. We chatted for a little bit with a couple of our friends, and then the high school band led worship for the first Sunday this summer in Middle School Sunday school. It was pretty awesome. And then we had the lesson, which was really cool and interesting, about Galations. It's about how the Galations made all of these unnecessary rules based on the Law, something called "legalism", where rules and restrictions overtake the purpose and message of the Gospel in a church, and how it was wrong. It was really interesting, and really cool. I've got a lot to work on in my walk with God right now, so I'm glad to keep going to Sunday School and everything.
We found my friend "Macy" (blog codename) after Sunday School again (we talked to her before it started), and I sadly couldn't stay to go over to her house or anything after church, or help out with King's Kids (the children's ministry service-thingy, with games, snacks, a video, songs, etc.). And we brought Leah home. :( And then my family went home, and my dad went to work, and I've been here ever since.
So that was my epic weekend. xD The best thing, I guess, about today, is that Rose is heading up from Florida today. :D
I love you guys. :) God loves you more! xD :) Talk to you all later. :) <3
Aly
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/u-PKPGMqEd6F1gAwSFsPiA
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/6JwOQmMtEd60-gAwSFxytA
http://www.snapvine.com/bp/TNh5JGMxEd60-gAwSFxytA
It was pretty cool. xD :) We are dorks, and we're crazy and all that jazz, but we rock. XD :) It was very fun to record those.
After Montana went home, Leah stayed, and we hung out for the day, and walked in the part of the river we usually went on. We kept wanting it to rain, but the sun was absorbing the clouds and stalking us xP Finally, it did, a little. It was really cool, the way the clouds arranged. Partway sunny, partway cloudy, some patches of blue in the sky, it was awesome. The small bit of rain was fun. xD We love the river... XD :) Leah, my family, and I went to this place called Camp Victory, for this carnival. We were originally going to just bring her home after the carnival, which would have ended at 10:30 PM, but we decided she should just stay over if it was that late, and so we planned to have Leah sleepover another night. We sang Remedy Drive and attempted Children 18:3 in the car. xD When we got there, she and I played this game where two people had to throw a ball into a hoop, while being attached to this cable or something through an inflatable thing, with one person attached to one end, the other to the other end. Whoever puts the ball in first, wins (Ella, if you're reading this, it's the game you and Leah played at Sunshine, xD :) ). But it was shorter than Leah and Ella's elementary school's Spring Fling carnival (we only got one ball. xP). Afterward, we went and got funnel cake and popcorn and food and we ate. xD Funnel cake is one of the most unhealthy and delicious culinary inventions ever. XD ^^' Heh... yeah...
Leah and I played an 18-hole game of Mini-Golf. And I failed. Though I got a hole-in-one on hole 7. XD But that was the only good thing I ever did in the rest of the game. xD The rest of it, I failed on. xP And I would guide the ball into a hole, rather than hit it, once I got close enough... ^^' Heh... heheh.
The most fun part of the carnival was the stuff we did that we didn't fully realize we weren't supposed to. ^^' Heh. There was caution tape, but we went under it, because we saw these girls playing with water balloons by the Water Wars machine (http://www.funfilledevents.com/images/water_wars_pics_014_mpu4.jpg Basically like that one, except without the net or the big X in the middle, and just randomly outside, nothing protecting the ground...). Water Wars was also at the elementary school's carnival, and that's what I recognized it from, and it is EPICALLY FUN.
Anyway, it was suspiciously close to the fireworks, which were supposed to go off later that night... heh. Well, we disregarded that and started blowing up balloons, as soon as we could make the balloon-filling-thingy work without spitting water out from the hose. Soon, a father and his son showed up, after we launched a couple balloons at each other. The little boy started playing with the balloons, and the man talked with us. And then another boy showed up, an older one. Him and the other boy started playing and filling balloons. And then an older boy showed up. And then this huge group of kids and a couple of adults with them, who looked related to them, showed up, and started playing. So it was turning into a watery mess of fun. Another family showed up, two little girls, their mom, and then their dad showed up later. Eventually, my mom and dad showed up. Leah and I and my dad all threw some balloon at each other. xD And then... a guy from the camp showed up said that the Water Wars was actually for the campers, and it was pretty close to the fireworks and not supposed to be in use, sooo... ^^' Heheh. We had to stop. D: It was sad, and Leah and I felt a little guilty for opening it up, but it was still fun. We left early, but Leah was still sleeping over, which we were happy about. xD
We came home, and rented Slumdog Millionaire. My dad, brother, Leah, and I watched it. I don't think my mom was all that interested. That movie was intense. o.o Afterward, Leah had a sandwich and apple juice *random* and we went on the computer, and Leah was bent on harrassing me to upload photos to Facebook that I've been procrastinating on for weeks... ^^' Heh... heheh. But then the internet died after one picture. xP So we all went to bed (Leah, my brother, and me). Leah and I only stayed up until midnight, but it was alright.
We got up this morning, and it actually wasn't burning hot, so I was amazed. I slept in the guest room (two beds, one room, etc.) and had this thing that happens sometimes when I sleep in hotels, where I think I'm up in my room, and found that I was underneath a blanket over my head, so I kicked it off as fast as possible, cuz I was kinda freaked out, but then I realized I was just in the guest room, and I'm like "Oh...".
And then I was headed for the door, and Leah shoots right up. xD It was epic. I was amazed at how quickly she woke up this morning. xD She told me about her epic dream, where her and Jamal from Slumdog Millionaire went to McDonald's and they weren't allowed to go in because they were too dirty and shoeless... you'll have to ask her about it. :) It was pretty epicsauce.
I took a shower and then I got out and then Leah chose clothes to borrow from me, because she'd only brought two outfits that weekend, and she looked very feminine. xD :) ^^ Mwahahahahaha...
We ate a breakfast of coffee (Leah; I didn't have much coffee this weekend, sadly. D:), biscuits, bacon, and eggs. :) It was very good. And then we drove up to Rochester, singing Children 18:3's "Mock the Music" when it came onto the radio, and it was amazing. XD And then we got up to Sunday School. We chatted for a little bit with a couple of our friends, and then the high school band led worship for the first Sunday this summer in Middle School Sunday school. It was pretty awesome. And then we had the lesson, which was really cool and interesting, about Galations. It's about how the Galations made all of these unnecessary rules based on the Law, something called "legalism", where rules and restrictions overtake the purpose and message of the Gospel in a church, and how it was wrong. It was really interesting, and really cool. I've got a lot to work on in my walk with God right now, so I'm glad to keep going to Sunday School and everything.
We found my friend "Macy" (blog codename) after Sunday School again (we talked to her before it started), and I sadly couldn't stay to go over to her house or anything after church, or help out with King's Kids (the children's ministry service-thingy, with games, snacks, a video, songs, etc.). And we brought Leah home. :( And then my family went home, and my dad went to work, and I've been here ever since.
So that was my epic weekend. xD The best thing, I guess, about today, is that Rose is heading up from Florida today. :D
I love you guys. :) God loves you more! xD :) Talk to you all later. :) <3
Aly
Monday, June 22, 2009
MAN! It's been forever...
I'm really sorry. I'm extremely neglectful, I know... *sigh*
Sooo... Last weekend, was the amaziiingggsauce girls' cabin trip. Ella and I had a blast. XD It was so much fun, tubing, boat-riding, being pyros and throwing random stuff into the campfire... *sigh* Goooooood times. Four days of pure awesomeness. 8)
Carefest was absolutely amazing on Saturday.
http://www.rochestercarefest.org/
Leah and I had an insane time, man. xD We were painting in this room in this house for teens with a lot of potential, but not the greatest living circumstances, from big cities (like New York) to come to Rochester and have a better chance at success and an education, after applying. It's really cool.
And the room looked amazing when we were done. It was so different... it's still being worked on for post-Carefest, but that's okay. :) Leah and I got in a paint fight, and she was MEAN and painted "LOSER" on the back of my Carefest shirt. xPPP
And since we got hyped up on caffeine that day (We had McDonald's iced mochas, and then we walked there for lunch with my mom and the other woman working in the room with us, and had suicides [where you take a drink cup and fill it with a little bit of every single soda on the soda machine]), we stayed up on the phone talking until about 1:40-something AM. And Leah did the math--we beat our phone record, and our record now is 6 hours and 17 minutes. :D
So yeah, that's how it's been in the past 2 weeks. Pretty epic times. :) I am really glad everything's been great. Thank God. :) And I will be missing Nattie greatly this week, as he is going to France. D: But it's alright.
Love you guys! :D
God bless you! :)
<3
Aly
Sooo... Last weekend, was the amaziiingggsauce girls' cabin trip. Ella and I had a blast. XD It was so much fun, tubing, boat-riding, being pyros and throwing random stuff into the campfire... *sigh* Goooooood times. Four days of pure awesomeness. 8)
Carefest was absolutely amazing on Saturday.
http://www.rochestercarefest.org/
Leah and I had an insane time, man. xD We were painting in this room in this house for teens with a lot of potential, but not the greatest living circumstances, from big cities (like New York) to come to Rochester and have a better chance at success and an education, after applying. It's really cool.
And the room looked amazing when we were done. It was so different... it's still being worked on for post-Carefest, but that's okay. :) Leah and I got in a paint fight, and she was MEAN and painted "LOSER" on the back of my Carefest shirt. xPPP
And since we got hyped up on caffeine that day (We had McDonald's iced mochas, and then we walked there for lunch with my mom and the other woman working in the room with us, and had suicides [where you take a drink cup and fill it with a little bit of every single soda on the soda machine]), we stayed up on the phone talking until about 1:40-something AM. And Leah did the math--we beat our phone record, and our record now is 6 hours and 17 minutes. :D
So yeah, that's how it's been in the past 2 weeks. Pretty epic times. :) I am really glad everything's been great. Thank God. :) And I will be missing Nattie greatly this week, as he is going to France. D: But it's alright.
Love you guys! :D
God bless you! :)
<3
Aly
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
A poem.
I put this on my Facebook notes because whenever I "study" a certain issue, someone pops up in my head. She's on my heart right now, and man... I hope she's doing well today.
Her and Her Choices
Is that how she feels?
Miserable and depressed?
So full of regret?
Most take years to get this pain
Some months, some weaks, rarely days.
The pain, the hurt, the remorse, realization
What you've done is wrong.
Tragedy, tragedy, someone else is gone.
You were given mercy at the hands of mother dearest.
But you couldn't give the same.
I don't understand
Your pain, maybe shame.
I want to hold you there, and I pray for you.
All the time.
And many others like you.
Why didn't you tell me before?
Why didn't you?
Who told you to do this, or was the choice truly your own?
Why did you make this choice?
I wouldn't force you to do
Anything that would hurt you so badly.
You were so young.
You're still so young.
But I guess I'm still in shock.
Watching as a distant issue hit me right here.
You confessed, and others admitted
Other people they knew did the same.
Is this all so common?
I've watched the videos, heard the stories.
But I'll never know the pain.
I pray, I pray I won't at the very least.
Vicious acts committed before they even enter life.
Preventing them from doing so.
And watching him or her just... gone, in literal pieces.
Irony, irony, pain, horror, shock.
Those around you are treated better.
And you are left in pain, with your family-weary sarcasm and anger
Perhaps covering it up.
And you were brought to this.
Oh God, oh God, heal her, touch her heart, heal her.
Hold the child who never got a chance on bitter Earth.
Perhaps it was good for him or her.
You wouldn't have had to walk the halls of school.
Just church.
Perhaps been gone for a year without a warning.
I would worry, but then... I'd find things out.
I'd have supported you as much as possible.
You were so young, you're still so young.
To have to deal with this pain...
You left me with these thoughts,
This shock, but it's nothing
Like what you have to deal with.
God, hold her close and comfort her.
If she's asked, she's forgiven.
I listen watch and think about this issue
As if it's so far away.
I read testimonies of women,
Realize their hurt.
More and more, I want the cause gone.
Especially for you,
Because you put a face
On this for me.
My friend, I never knew you to be this kind
But I don't care any longer.
I'm here for you if you need me.
Give me a call.
God's here always.
Give Him a call.
Lift your family and your pain to Him.
Time may not heal all scars
But He certainly can.
Her and Her Choices
Is that how she feels?
Miserable and depressed?
So full of regret?
Most take years to get this pain
Some months, some weaks, rarely days.
The pain, the hurt, the remorse, realization
What you've done is wrong.
Tragedy, tragedy, someone else is gone.
You were given mercy at the hands of mother dearest.
But you couldn't give the same.
I don't understand
Your pain, maybe shame.
I want to hold you there, and I pray for you.
All the time.
And many others like you.
Why didn't you tell me before?
Why didn't you?
Who told you to do this, or was the choice truly your own?
Why did you make this choice?
I wouldn't force you to do
Anything that would hurt you so badly.
You were so young.
You're still so young.
But I guess I'm still in shock.
Watching as a distant issue hit me right here.
You confessed, and others admitted
Other people they knew did the same.
Is this all so common?
I've watched the videos, heard the stories.
But I'll never know the pain.
I pray, I pray I won't at the very least.
Vicious acts committed before they even enter life.
Preventing them from doing so.
And watching him or her just... gone, in literal pieces.
Irony, irony, pain, horror, shock.
Those around you are treated better.
And you are left in pain, with your family-weary sarcasm and anger
Perhaps covering it up.
And you were brought to this.
Oh God, oh God, heal her, touch her heart, heal her.
Hold the child who never got a chance on bitter Earth.
Perhaps it was good for him or her.
You wouldn't have had to walk the halls of school.
Just church.
Perhaps been gone for a year without a warning.
I would worry, but then... I'd find things out.
I'd have supported you as much as possible.
You were so young, you're still so young.
To have to deal with this pain...
You left me with these thoughts,
This shock, but it's nothing
Like what you have to deal with.
God, hold her close and comfort her.
If she's asked, she's forgiven.
I listen watch and think about this issue
As if it's so far away.
I read testimonies of women,
Realize their hurt.
More and more, I want the cause gone.
Especially for you,
Because you put a face
On this for me.
My friend, I never knew you to be this kind
But I don't care any longer.
I'm here for you if you need me.
Give me a call.
God's here always.
Give Him a call.
Lift your family and your pain to Him.
Time may not heal all scars
But He certainly can.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Could someone assist me in Creative Blog Post Titles 101? (summer reading list that I will add to at request/new book discovery, writing rants, etc.)
I've been severely procrastinating writing this. I have a feeling that my reading Lexile in the Fall could possibly go down about another 10 points from the three that my spring Lexile already went down this year, unless I start reading some books... like, RIGHT NOW. (Sorry for the abuse of the word "like"... I tend to talk like that when I rant in real life, so I apologize for my bad grammar. D:)
So, here is my summer reading list. Everyone: REMIND ME TO READ. I love reading, I do, I just haven't gotten into books since... I don't really know what caused my decline. *shrug* Well, here's the list (with explanations in parentheses; sorry if that gets annoying):
The Host by Stephenie Meyer (very pathetically never finished last summer though I bought it practically on the same day it came out...)
ALL the books in the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling (peer pressure; xP Though I'm interested.)
Breathless by Lurlene McDaniel (Just discovered this today, originally from an ad on Facebook...it sounds really good, sad, dramatic, tackles a contraversial issue with rawness of emotion, from what I saw in reviews... just how I like my realistic fiction. xP :( )
Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen
That Summer and Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen (I OWN those books and haven't finished them; this is just bugging me cuz I bought a lot of books, didn't finish them, and that just fails. xP)
The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen (same as above)
My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult (I know this book is good. Plus, I want to see the movie. And Handle with Care and The Tenth Circle, though I don't recommend them, were good. XD Heh. I'll explain later.)
Georgie by Malachy Doyle (sounds REALLY, REALLY good; a friend of mine recommended it, Amazon confirmed my interest)
Diary of a Teenage Girl Series by Melody Carlson (I just want to finish it. I'm on the first book of the third series of the entire big deal, and they're not hard to read, and I like them, however many times MC repeats herself with certain plot situations...)
True Colors series by Melody Carlson (read about 3 of them fully during the schoolyear, and I should be able to finish the rest at some point this summer... xD I need to head to the library again...)
Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher (People read it a lot at my school. And it's been popping up on my suggested lists on Amazon for about two years, and I know its content, and it seems like something I'd like to read, so... yeah.)
The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons by Dan Brown (I like this stuff sometimes; my friends love it)
Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles (I'm stealing it from Montana. I AM STEALING IT FROM HER. It also sounds a slight bit like Romiette and Julio by Sharon Draper, except much more intense, in several ways...)
Leaving Paradise by Simone Elkeles (just discovered on Amazon; It sounds so amazing that I seriously need to read it. Really sad, and I read that the ending was a downer from the reviews, but it still sounds good; downer ending to a "romance"= Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn; though their situation was... er... quite different. And Nick shouldn't have been going after her after that anyway, but... first time reading it, it was still saddish. D: [/endrant] )
---
And that's it so far. I'm TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY open to suggestions.
Seriously, I need to read more. And soon. :D So thank you. :)
Also... I really feel the need to write something random, and off the top of my head. And by random, it doesn't have to be random sounding (like humorous, nonsensical)... just... out of almost nowhere came the urge to write it. Except, there's always an inspiration. Like other books, music, situations in real life, certain issues that interest me... so whatever's on my mind, ends up as fiction on paper. Like my first short story recently. I'll post it eventually. Its roots drew from a recent loss in the church, perhaps in the back of my mind, this really adorable little girl I saw at a food drive, trying to understand guys, and I suppose you could call it, the value of children. Family... etc. It was short, and all the characters were annonymous. I wrote it rather late at night, so there could have been grammatical errors, but rereading it a couple of times the day after... it was actually pretty alright, in my opinion. And I'm not trying to sound cocky; I know it has its flaws, but... I kind of liked it. It was sad though. :'( But a lot of stuff I write can get sad. But this wasn't melodramatic... I think I was just trying to understand... what it meant, how it felt to have all of this happen to a person, and then that little hope at the ending.
So, I might end up writing something randomly tonight. If not... some other time. ^^' Well, I love you guys! God bless you! :)
So, here is my summer reading list. Everyone: REMIND ME TO READ. I love reading, I do, I just haven't gotten into books since... I don't really know what caused my decline. *shrug* Well, here's the list (with explanations in parentheses; sorry if that gets annoying):
The Host by Stephenie Meyer (very pathetically never finished last summer though I bought it practically on the same day it came out...)
ALL the books in the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling (peer pressure; xP Though I'm interested.)
Breathless by Lurlene McDaniel (Just discovered this today, originally from an ad on Facebook...it sounds really good, sad, dramatic, tackles a contraversial issue with rawness of emotion, from what I saw in reviews... just how I like my realistic fiction. xP :( )
Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen
That Summer and Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen (I OWN those books and haven't finished them; this is just bugging me cuz I bought a lot of books, didn't finish them, and that just fails. xP)
The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen (same as above)
My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult (I know this book is good. Plus, I want to see the movie. And Handle with Care and The Tenth Circle, though I don't recommend them, were good. XD Heh. I'll explain later.)
Georgie by Malachy Doyle (sounds REALLY, REALLY good; a friend of mine recommended it, Amazon confirmed my interest)
Diary of a Teenage Girl Series by Melody Carlson (I just want to finish it. I'm on the first book of the third series of the entire big deal, and they're not hard to read, and I like them, however many times MC repeats herself with certain plot situations...)
True Colors series by Melody Carlson (read about 3 of them fully during the schoolyear, and I should be able to finish the rest at some point this summer... xD I need to head to the library again...)
Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher (People read it a lot at my school. And it's been popping up on my suggested lists on Amazon for about two years, and I know its content, and it seems like something I'd like to read, so... yeah.)
The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons by Dan Brown (I like this stuff sometimes; my friends love it)
Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles (I'm stealing it from Montana. I AM STEALING IT FROM HER. It also sounds a slight bit like Romiette and Julio by Sharon Draper, except much more intense, in several ways...)
Leaving Paradise by Simone Elkeles (just discovered on Amazon; It sounds so amazing that I seriously need to read it. Really sad, and I read that the ending was a downer from the reviews, but it still sounds good; downer ending to a "romance"= Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn; though their situation was... er... quite different. And Nick shouldn't have been going after her after that anyway, but... first time reading it, it was still saddish. D: [/endrant] )
---
And that's it so far. I'm TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY open to suggestions.
Seriously, I need to read more. And soon. :D So thank you. :)
Also... I really feel the need to write something random, and off the top of my head. And by random, it doesn't have to be random sounding (like humorous, nonsensical)... just... out of almost nowhere came the urge to write it. Except, there's always an inspiration. Like other books, music, situations in real life, certain issues that interest me... so whatever's on my mind, ends up as fiction on paper. Like my first short story recently. I'll post it eventually. Its roots drew from a recent loss in the church, perhaps in the back of my mind, this really adorable little girl I saw at a food drive, trying to understand guys, and I suppose you could call it, the value of children. Family... etc. It was short, and all the characters were annonymous. I wrote it rather late at night, so there could have been grammatical errors, but rereading it a couple of times the day after... it was actually pretty alright, in my opinion. And I'm not trying to sound cocky; I know it has its flaws, but... I kind of liked it. It was sad though. :'( But a lot of stuff I write can get sad. But this wasn't melodramatic... I think I was just trying to understand... what it meant, how it felt to have all of this happen to a person, and then that little hope at the ending.
So, I might end up writing something randomly tonight. If not... some other time. ^^' Well, I love you guys! God bless you! :)
Monday, June 8, 2009
Because I'm lazy and it's Summer...
The link I have on Snapvine (voice blog whateverz site) is in the link of the title. Click it, AND DON'T LISTEN TO ME SINGING!!!! BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY SUCK RIGHT NOW! I'm going to re-record me singing and maybe edit it on here later.
Anyway, HIIIIII! I'm really sorry I haven't updated in forever!
If you've recentely read Leah's blog, about the Remedy Drive and Children 18:3 concert, you should. It's a pretty sufficient summary of that AWESOME concert! XD Also, I touched Dave's sweaty arm... heheheheh. Leah and I are going to be decidedly groupie-ish/fangirl-y of Remedy Drive now. XD No offense to Nattie. I love Nathaniel. :)
Well... IT IS SUMMER! I got out on Friday, June 5th, which was a day of pretty much nothing academically related except for the eighth grade graduation, which was hardly anything like that. XD It was AWESOME though. The teachers are HILARIOUS; they filmed skits of how they would remember us eighth graders, and it was loaded with inside jokes, but it was so funny. I suppose I like my small-town school for that. We can all make fun of each other, and just have it be... fun. And everyone can be close enough to their teachers, you know? It's pretty cool. :)
Like I said, I'll be gone this Thursday-Monday. June 11th through June 14. Ella (mymindisagraveyard-deadthingsareinit.blogspot.com) will also be gone then. :) It's gonna be pretty awesome. XD The girl's cabin trip with my youth-y group-y stuffs. :3 :D
Hopefully, it won't be so cold and wet then so we can enjoy our time on the lake and everything. :D I enjoy life. XD :)
Anyway, it's been pretty good lately. Just giving ya'll a little update. I might be posting some fiction/poetry sometime soon. :) Also, I'd like to advise you to visit this blog:
http://thisdreamthing.blogspot.com/
It's Ella's new blog. I know alllll about her dream, so it's safe to say: GOOD DREAM, GOOD STORY, YOU MUST READ IT. :D :)
Anyway, thanks for reading guys! Love you all! God bless! :)
~Aly
(Anyway, I gave up on singing Say When by The Fray. Here's me sucking again.
http://www.snapvine.com/sb/b94d4aa8544a11de979b0030485b0f88?user=475e261af5f511dc81880030485b0f88
Strawberry Swing by Coldplay. Yeah... it sounds like I have a cold or something like that... xP *sigh* Oh well. Maybe you can find the good in this singing suckiness, because I can't. xP I'm probably going to keep singing on my Snapvine today, though... maybe I'll get better with some 'practice'. Love you all again! God bless! :) )
Anyway, HIIIIII! I'm really sorry I haven't updated in forever!
If you've recentely read Leah's blog, about the Remedy Drive and Children 18:3 concert, you should. It's a pretty sufficient summary of that AWESOME concert! XD Also, I touched Dave's sweaty arm... heheheheh. Leah and I are going to be decidedly groupie-ish/fangirl-y of Remedy Drive now. XD No offense to Nattie. I love Nathaniel. :)
Well... IT IS SUMMER! I got out on Friday, June 5th, which was a day of pretty much nothing academically related except for the eighth grade graduation, which was hardly anything like that. XD It was AWESOME though. The teachers are HILARIOUS; they filmed skits of how they would remember us eighth graders, and it was loaded with inside jokes, but it was so funny. I suppose I like my small-town school for that. We can all make fun of each other, and just have it be... fun. And everyone can be close enough to their teachers, you know? It's pretty cool. :)
Like I said, I'll be gone this Thursday-Monday. June 11th through June 14. Ella (mymindisagraveyard-deadthingsareinit.blogspot.com) will also be gone then. :) It's gonna be pretty awesome. XD The girl's cabin trip with my youth-y group-y stuffs. :3 :D
Hopefully, it won't be so cold and wet then so we can enjoy our time on the lake and everything. :D I enjoy life. XD :)
Anyway, it's been pretty good lately. Just giving ya'll a little update. I might be posting some fiction/poetry sometime soon. :) Also, I'd like to advise you to visit this blog:
http://thisdreamthing.blogspot.com/
It's Ella's new blog. I know alllll about her dream, so it's safe to say: GOOD DREAM, GOOD STORY, YOU MUST READ IT. :D :)
Anyway, thanks for reading guys! Love you all! God bless! :)
~Aly
(Anyway, I gave up on singing Say When by The Fray. Here's me sucking again.
http://www.snapvine.com/sb/b94d4aa8544a11de979b0030485b0f88?user=475e261af5f511dc81880030485b0f88
Strawberry Swing by Coldplay. Yeah... it sounds like I have a cold or something like that... xP *sigh* Oh well. Maybe you can find the good in this singing suckiness, because I can't. xP I'm probably going to keep singing on my Snapvine today, though... maybe I'll get better with some 'practice'. Love you all again! God bless! :) )
Friday, May 29, 2009
Man, I need to start getting creative with these titles... (dates, poem, rant, etc.)
Yeah, I really do. Thanks guys so much for reading my blog like you do! I just thought I'd update a bit on life (probably gonna get into some more ventlike poetry at some point, though... heh. *sigh).
You guys still rock for reading this when I update so incredibly sporadically.
Well, I have... five days of school left. I have a few assignments left to do, but today was the big day for all the main meat assignments in my main classes, which is very, very good. I am so relieved to be over with all that. I have some english finals and other tests next week, but I'm not so spazzed out over all of that. I should probably be studying though... heh. I don't study much. I get alright grades (A's and B's mostly), but I could study more... things used to come so naturally to me when I was younger, but now... meh.
Ah well. Hmm... Well, it's WAAAY past the date, but my one year Blog-a-versary came around on May 5 of this month, which is almost over.
Other important dates:
My parents' 16th anneversary came on May 25. Weehoo! :D
And... Tommorrow, is my one-month annaversary of dating Nathaniel the Awesome. :)
He is a really amazing person, with incredible writing talent, so kind, so smart, and always, always makes me smile. So thank you Nathaniel. :)
Some other dates:
June 11-14- I will be gone on a girls' cabin trip with some girls in my youth group. We're going up to someone's family cabin and hangin' out there for those four days, and I'm pretty sure it'll be cool. :)
And in July at some point (keep you guys posted later), I'll be going on a trip with my youth group to Colorado, to a cabin in the mountains, for a retreat. It'll be really interesting, so, like the mission trip to Rapid City, South Dakota last year, I might post a bit about that before and after.
And this Sunday, May 31st, I will be going to this radio show's 20th year annaversary "Open House" at one of the churches in the city nearby, where the band that played at Districts Blitz (the Christian conference deal I attended this year, and the last, and the last...) REMEDY DRIVE will be playing.
Remedy Drive is amazing. Just sayin'. Look 'em up cuz they rock. I have two of the dudes' autographs and they are AMAZING.
I love Remedy Drive.
Anyway...
To that poetry I was talking about.
Love you guys! God bless! <3 ^^ :) Once again, I must say, you all rock. :)
To Vent
People apologize after letting out
That explosion they've held in
Loud yelling, screaming, typing
Swearing
Just to let it all out.
But if they've been holding it in,
Well, let them let it out.
It's not good to suppress,
The negative
Emotions that we feel.
To hide the negativity
Inside, and let it boil up
To explode onto someone undeserving, unassociated, and unnecessarily.
Let it out.
There's a listening ear,
Up Above,
And I'm here to.
Let it go, let it out.
Let me know. I won't mind.
You can vent into your pillow,
Your diary, your blog.
Or tell it to a friend,
Willing to listen, without a word,
If that is what you need.
And as I've said, I'm here too,
A friend to talk to.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I guess that's it for today. I don't really have anything I need to vent myself, so... yeah. I love all of you guys! God bless you! <3 *huggles everyone* You are all awesome individuals. :)
You guys still rock for reading this when I update so incredibly sporadically.
Well, I have... five days of school left. I have a few assignments left to do, but today was the big day for all the main meat assignments in my main classes, which is very, very good. I am so relieved to be over with all that. I have some english finals and other tests next week, but I'm not so spazzed out over all of that. I should probably be studying though... heh. I don't study much. I get alright grades (A's and B's mostly), but I could study more... things used to come so naturally to me when I was younger, but now... meh.
Ah well. Hmm... Well, it's WAAAY past the date, but my one year Blog-a-versary came around on May 5 of this month, which is almost over.
Other important dates:
My parents' 16th anneversary came on May 25. Weehoo! :D
And... Tommorrow, is my one-month annaversary of dating Nathaniel the Awesome. :)
He is a really amazing person, with incredible writing talent, so kind, so smart, and always, always makes me smile. So thank you Nathaniel. :)
Some other dates:
June 11-14- I will be gone on a girls' cabin trip with some girls in my youth group. We're going up to someone's family cabin and hangin' out there for those four days, and I'm pretty sure it'll be cool. :)
And in July at some point (keep you guys posted later), I'll be going on a trip with my youth group to Colorado, to a cabin in the mountains, for a retreat. It'll be really interesting, so, like the mission trip to Rapid City, South Dakota last year, I might post a bit about that before and after.
And this Sunday, May 31st, I will be going to this radio show's 20th year annaversary "Open House" at one of the churches in the city nearby, where the band that played at Districts Blitz (the Christian conference deal I attended this year, and the last, and the last...) REMEDY DRIVE will be playing.
Remedy Drive is amazing. Just sayin'. Look 'em up cuz they rock. I have two of the dudes' autographs and they are AMAZING.
I love Remedy Drive.
Anyway...
To that poetry I was talking about.
Love you guys! God bless! <3 ^^ :) Once again, I must say, you all rock. :)
To Vent
People apologize after letting out
That explosion they've held in
Loud yelling, screaming, typing
Swearing
Just to let it all out.
But if they've been holding it in,
Well, let them let it out.
It's not good to suppress,
The negative
Emotions that we feel.
To hide the negativity
Inside, and let it boil up
To explode onto someone undeserving, unassociated, and unnecessarily.
Let it out.
There's a listening ear,
Up Above,
And I'm here to.
Let it go, let it out.
Let me know. I won't mind.
You can vent into your pillow,
Your diary, your blog.
Or tell it to a friend,
Willing to listen, without a word,
If that is what you need.
And as I've said, I'm here too,
A friend to talk to.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I guess that's it for today. I don't really have anything I need to vent myself, so... yeah. I love all of you guys! God bless you! <3 *huggles everyone* You are all awesome individuals. :)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
More poetry.
To the Ones Who want to Reach the Hurting
Hey Mark,
And anyone else,
Who knows what I'm saying.
When you're watching
Your friends' hearts breaking
Hurting, pain, tears,
Anger,
Screaming, bitterness,
Pray for them, hope for healing, pray for healing.
Trust.
When you're watching,
Families ripped apart,
Even if its your own,
Don't give up hope.
Don't carry anything on your own.
You don't need to.
When they need
Someone to hold them,
Be there
With open arms.
Try not
To give advice
At a bad time.
Listen to them,
Be supportive,
No matter what.
Help them,
To make the right decision.
To go farther,
Past the pain.
But know,
As much as it stings,
And burns,
That you do not make their decisions.
That you cannot make them change,
Or make their situations change entirely.
Pray, pray for their lives,
Their hearts,
Families, their friends.
Time may not heal, but God truly does.
All scars can be gone,
And tears wiped away.
Don't lose faith, or hope,
Don't look at them so hopelessly.
Know that you
And they
Have it.
Love them infinitely, unconditionally,
Love them like the Lord does us.
Know you're not alone,
In caring for these broken people,
In our broken world.
We are broken too,
But Jesus makes us whole,
We are hurting too,
But I do not feel hopeless.
Give them love,
Be kind, caring, unconditionally loving,
Speak the words that need to be spoken.
No one is alone.
Hey Mark,
And anyone else,
Who knows what I'm saying.
When you're watching
Your friends' hearts breaking
Hurting, pain, tears,
Anger,
Screaming, bitterness,
Pray for them, hope for healing, pray for healing.
Trust.
When you're watching,
Families ripped apart,
Even if its your own,
Don't give up hope.
Don't carry anything on your own.
You don't need to.
When they need
Someone to hold them,
Be there
With open arms.
Try not
To give advice
At a bad time.
Listen to them,
Be supportive,
No matter what.
Help them,
To make the right decision.
To go farther,
Past the pain.
But know,
As much as it stings,
And burns,
That you do not make their decisions.
That you cannot make them change,
Or make their situations change entirely.
Pray, pray for their lives,
Their hearts,
Families, their friends.
Time may not heal, but God truly does.
All scars can be gone,
And tears wiped away.
Don't lose faith, or hope,
Don't look at them so hopelessly.
Know that you
And they
Have it.
Love them infinitely, unconditionally,
Love them like the Lord does us.
Know you're not alone,
In caring for these broken people,
In our broken world.
We are broken too,
But Jesus makes us whole,
We are hurting too,
But I do not feel hopeless.
Give them love,
Be kind, caring, unconditionally loving,
Speak the words that need to be spoken.
No one is alone.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Some poetry. I'm not even sure I should share these... so be careful.
Contradictory Personality
Imperfections
Imperfections, flaws, things to destroy
Memories to forget
Actions to regret
Things to say and do
Resisting
Holding back
For fear
Of judgment
Thoughts not to be thought
Wrongs not to be done
Roads not to be walked
Words that should not be spoken
Uncleanliness
All over me
I only see
What's wrong with me
And then I see
Too far right
Arrogance may overtake
To cause a fall
And then back again
To the wrong
Again and again.
God forgives me
When I've asked.
God forgave me.
When I let Him in.
I don't forgive myself
That easily.
I don't hold back.
All the time.
When I should,
I say,
What I shouldn't.
Or don't say anything
At all.
Undeserved
Sometimes I can't stand
The words you say
To me
Because they're just too sweet
And to untrue
And you don't know
Who you're talking to.
Maybe you do, maybe a little.
From what I've said
And what you've read.
But not the ugly me
I've been and can be
Inside.
You don't want to meet that girl,
I wouldn't want to tell you.
But would you still say
The words you do
If I let you know,
The worst I've been?
It pains me every time
To see those words,
Words on the screen,
The sweet, the kind, the loving,
Gosh, if you only knew
Who I've been.
Is it just the past?
Perhaps.
We all have regrets.
Even God forgave me, justified me.
That amazes me, amazes me incredibly.
Do you ever feel like the worst person on Earth?
Even when you aren't?
Does it not matter?
It doesn't matter in God's eyes,
When we ask for His forgiveness.
But Dear Lord, You are too amazing.
Far, incredible,
Grace, Mercy, Justice, Love.
How the Lord does that for me, and all who accept Him
Is so incredible to me.
Beyond my comprehension, His love, capacity to forgive.
And I know it's undeserved.
Yet it is His mercy.
Undeserving I am of His grace.
And I feel that way sometimes,
Even to the other loving people of His creation.
Undeserved is every word,
Or so it feels sometimes.
Every Word
Happiness, joy, love
I write.
Smiling faces,
No pain, no comments of the negative sort.
Finding every kind word to say to me.
So much joy I feel from you.
A gift you are to me,
A person who encourages me,
He's got a purpose for everything
And everyone.
And the people who touch my life.
You will not soon be forgotten
I will not let you go,
I won't walk away,
I promise.
If I break it,
Then give me your worst.
Because you don't deserve that,
You deserve much better,
Some days, you deserve better than me.
Touch the sky,
Hear His voice soon, please.
We have a reason that we're here
And the way we are.
And for why we've met
And spoken,
And become this close, this way,
For love is more, always more, than what we can describe.
Beyond impossible boundaries, endless.
The word is not
Empty.
So, let us use it full.
Let us speak it true.
We're young, with futures that may grow apart
Tears gather in my eyes at the thought,
But if this is temporary, let us use love full.
We won't grow apart.
In our hearts.
Not soon forgotten,
Will you be,
When you're so near to me,
Yet so far.
The miles,
Don't matter
To me.
Nothing
Will come
Between us if it's true,
What we say, and what we do,
For each other.
It's too true.
You mean so much to me,
So, so much.
So let us stay close tonight
Even so far away,
It doesn't matter.
Nothing comes between us.
Being realistic doesn't apply,
When I realize
The words you say to me,
So sincere, so genuine.
I am still in awe.
Stay close, even so far,
We won't ever mean "goodbye"
On this earth, for real
Because it won't a be a "good" bye without you,
And we won't forget.
Left a mark, on my heart, forever, through your words.
So sweet, so kind, so loving.
You amaze me.
Imperfections
Imperfections, flaws, things to destroy
Memories to forget
Actions to regret
Things to say and do
Resisting
Holding back
For fear
Of judgment
Thoughts not to be thought
Wrongs not to be done
Roads not to be walked
Words that should not be spoken
Uncleanliness
All over me
I only see
What's wrong with me
And then I see
Too far right
Arrogance may overtake
To cause a fall
And then back again
To the wrong
Again and again.
God forgives me
When I've asked.
God forgave me.
When I let Him in.
I don't forgive myself
That easily.
I don't hold back.
All the time.
When I should,
I say,
What I shouldn't.
Or don't say anything
At all.
Undeserved
Sometimes I can't stand
The words you say
To me
Because they're just too sweet
And to untrue
And you don't know
Who you're talking to.
Maybe you do, maybe a little.
From what I've said
And what you've read.
But not the ugly me
I've been and can be
Inside.
You don't want to meet that girl,
I wouldn't want to tell you.
But would you still say
The words you do
If I let you know,
The worst I've been?
It pains me every time
To see those words,
Words on the screen,
The sweet, the kind, the loving,
Gosh, if you only knew
Who I've been.
Is it just the past?
Perhaps.
We all have regrets.
Even God forgave me, justified me.
That amazes me, amazes me incredibly.
Do you ever feel like the worst person on Earth?
Even when you aren't?
Does it not matter?
It doesn't matter in God's eyes,
When we ask for His forgiveness.
But Dear Lord, You are too amazing.
Far, incredible,
Grace, Mercy, Justice, Love.
How the Lord does that for me, and all who accept Him
Is so incredible to me.
Beyond my comprehension, His love, capacity to forgive.
And I know it's undeserved.
Yet it is His mercy.
Undeserving I am of His grace.
And I feel that way sometimes,
Even to the other loving people of His creation.
Undeserved is every word,
Or so it feels sometimes.
Every Word
Happiness, joy, love
I write.
Smiling faces,
No pain, no comments of the negative sort.
Finding every kind word to say to me.
So much joy I feel from you.
A gift you are to me,
A person who encourages me,
He's got a purpose for everything
And everyone.
And the people who touch my life.
You will not soon be forgotten
I will not let you go,
I won't walk away,
I promise.
If I break it,
Then give me your worst.
Because you don't deserve that,
You deserve much better,
Some days, you deserve better than me.
Touch the sky,
Hear His voice soon, please.
We have a reason that we're here
And the way we are.
And for why we've met
And spoken,
And become this close, this way,
For love is more, always more, than what we can describe.
Beyond impossible boundaries, endless.
The word is not
Empty.
So, let us use it full.
Let us speak it true.
We're young, with futures that may grow apart
Tears gather in my eyes at the thought,
But if this is temporary, let us use love full.
We won't grow apart.
In our hearts.
Not soon forgotten,
Will you be,
When you're so near to me,
Yet so far.
The miles,
Don't matter
To me.
Nothing
Will come
Between us if it's true,
What we say, and what we do,
For each other.
It's too true.
You mean so much to me,
So, so much.
So let us stay close tonight
Even so far away,
It doesn't matter.
Nothing comes between us.
Being realistic doesn't apply,
When I realize
The words you say to me,
So sincere, so genuine.
I am still in awe.
Stay close, even so far,
We won't ever mean "goodbye"
On this earth, for real
Because it won't a be a "good" bye without you,
And we won't forget.
Left a mark, on my heart, forever, through your words.
So sweet, so kind, so loving.
You amaze me.
Friday, May 8, 2009
On another note. (Thanks, an "announcement", and some other things)
I really hope you didn't see the almost-post before this. I deleted it. Too much. Right now, I'd like to give thanks to God, and the great best friend He's blessed me with, Leah. She really knows how to listen and be there for me, praying, talking, laughing, listening, joking around--everything. And she's really awesome in general.
And all of you guys are awesome.
Well, I think Nattie and I have some news (I hope you don't mind me putting this in my blog):
We are "going out". ^^' <3
It's really great, and we really like each other, and, as we all know, Nathaniel is amazing. o.o
<333
Last night was the National Day of Prayer. I attended the meeting at one of our churches in a nearby city, and I prayed for an event called Carefest.
(http://www.rochestercarefest.org/)
I've worked at Carefest with my family the past 3 years, and it has been quite the experience. I love it. I really do. We help people with their homes, and various organizations around the city, including schools, churches, homeless shelters, other shelters, etc. It's really great.
Basically, we do service projects of various types, based on the home or organization's needs. Like painting, or staining wood, or building sheds, or cleaning lockers, or organizing things. Things like that, and more tedious work, like replacing appliances, or rebuilding things. Lots of stuff.
It's really, really fun, and it really touches lives out in that town.
It's a great event. :)
And I was honored to pray for it.
Once again, I had some, I guess I could call it, "leader anxiety". Because a ton of adults at church think of me as a leader, meager little me, as a leader, someone to lead the other youth and impact people in big ways. Maybe they get me mixed up with my dad. xP
But, yeah, my dad and I are very similar when it comes to things at church and stuff.
People in his age group (adults, any age, actually) know him. He practically knows the entirety of that town.
And I know a whole bunch of the little kids at church, and some youth group kids.
The youth leaders think that I'm a good influence, that I am really growing in my faith.
I guess I have a fear of flaw-discovery when it comes to other people. They don't really know me. They don't see me in school, when I back up and don't say anything about God when I have the perfect interval. When I'm violent, or when I'm angry, or when I'm sad, or when I'm doubting.
Am I faking my faith when I'm at youth group or youth trips? I don't think so... but they never see the other side of me.
It really was an honor to step up there and pray. And it really makes me feel good to be valued by adults and leaders. It makes me happy when my parents say they're proud of me, especially for my faith.
No one's directly pressuring me to be anything, to do anything. It's just... what if I screwed up in front of them?
Sometimes that really inspires me to keep growing in my faith, to be stronger, so I'll always be a good "leader", or so they think. But sometimes I doubt if that's where I want to be.
I want to help people. But would it be okay if I were just behind the scenes, like my mom? The pillar of prayer?
But I'm all for the communication directly to people, like my dad.
It's all for God's glory, and if I'm gonna be out there, if He calls me to be there, I will be.
Bu sometimes I worry. Really hard, about what I'm doing. I don't think any of the kids even really think me a leader; just the adults. I'm okay with that, but I do worry.
They don't know me like my friends do. My parents don't know me like that.
Sometimes I have that little rebellious instinct, just to go and do something stupid just so they'll stop thinking I'm so good. But that wouldn't be right either.
I guess it's something I'll just have to let go of, bring in to God, let Him handle it. I've gotta live like Jesus, and Peggy. She was not all up front, but she touched lives through friendship and kindness. But that's just how God used her for the good of His children. Wherever He wants me to be, I'll go.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0ihxvCyrWM)
And all of you guys are awesome.
Well, I think Nattie and I have some news (I hope you don't mind me putting this in my blog):
We are "going out". ^^' <3
It's really great, and we really like each other, and, as we all know, Nathaniel is amazing. o.o
<333
Last night was the National Day of Prayer. I attended the meeting at one of our churches in a nearby city, and I prayed for an event called Carefest.
(http://www.rochestercarefest.org/)
I've worked at Carefest with my family the past 3 years, and it has been quite the experience. I love it. I really do. We help people with their homes, and various organizations around the city, including schools, churches, homeless shelters, other shelters, etc. It's really great.
Basically, we do service projects of various types, based on the home or organization's needs. Like painting, or staining wood, or building sheds, or cleaning lockers, or organizing things. Things like that, and more tedious work, like replacing appliances, or rebuilding things. Lots of stuff.
It's really, really fun, and it really touches lives out in that town.
It's a great event. :)
And I was honored to pray for it.
Once again, I had some, I guess I could call it, "leader anxiety". Because a ton of adults at church think of me as a leader, meager little me, as a leader, someone to lead the other youth and impact people in big ways. Maybe they get me mixed up with my dad. xP
But, yeah, my dad and I are very similar when it comes to things at church and stuff.
People in his age group (adults, any age, actually) know him. He practically knows the entirety of that town.
And I know a whole bunch of the little kids at church, and some youth group kids.
The youth leaders think that I'm a good influence, that I am really growing in my faith.
I guess I have a fear of flaw-discovery when it comes to other people. They don't really know me. They don't see me in school, when I back up and don't say anything about God when I have the perfect interval. When I'm violent, or when I'm angry, or when I'm sad, or when I'm doubting.
Am I faking my faith when I'm at youth group or youth trips? I don't think so... but they never see the other side of me.
It really was an honor to step up there and pray. And it really makes me feel good to be valued by adults and leaders. It makes me happy when my parents say they're proud of me, especially for my faith.
No one's directly pressuring me to be anything, to do anything. It's just... what if I screwed up in front of them?
Sometimes that really inspires me to keep growing in my faith, to be stronger, so I'll always be a good "leader", or so they think. But sometimes I doubt if that's where I want to be.
I want to help people. But would it be okay if I were just behind the scenes, like my mom? The pillar of prayer?
But I'm all for the communication directly to people, like my dad.
It's all for God's glory, and if I'm gonna be out there, if He calls me to be there, I will be.
Bu sometimes I worry. Really hard, about what I'm doing. I don't think any of the kids even really think me a leader; just the adults. I'm okay with that, but I do worry.
They don't know me like my friends do. My parents don't know me like that.
Sometimes I have that little rebellious instinct, just to go and do something stupid just so they'll stop thinking I'm so good. But that wouldn't be right either.
I guess it's something I'll just have to let go of, bring in to God, let Him handle it. I've gotta live like Jesus, and Peggy. She was not all up front, but she touched lives through friendship and kindness. But that's just how God used her for the good of His children. Wherever He wants me to be, I'll go.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0ihxvCyrWM)
Friday, May 1, 2009
I Want to Live Like Peg. (You don't have to comment; please do read)
1 For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
~2 Corinthians 1-8
^Peg chose to have this verse read at the funeral.
Today, I went to a funeral. And I'm not even really sad, though I am. I need to grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice. And we had to do a little of both at the celebration of this woman's life today. Her name was Peg, or Peggy, and she was the wife of the Children's Pastor at my church.
She touched so many lives. Her husband says that she was a true imitator of Christ. He said that she taught him the most important part of life was relationships. And that she had a relationship with God so loving that the love spilled out to those lives she touched.
She wasn't an incredible singer, or a strong leader. She was a friend. She had so many friends, she touched so many lives, impacted them, changed them, even lead some to Christ. She loved them the way He loved us.
She believed that 100 years from now it wouldn't matter what kind of cars people drove, or what kind of houses they had, but the differences they made in the lives of others.
I may have mentioned her way earlier in my blog, when she shared some of her testimony to us students at the "after-party" of See You at the Pole.
Peggy was diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago. Three years later, the doctors said she had six months left to live.
She lived 8 years after. She had cancer all over, but no one would know that just by looking at her. She was an amazing woman, with an amazing legacy. Her legacy being that she was a friend, someone who exemplified God's love with her entire being. She said that God let her have cancer because He loved her very much. A good friend of hers who had been battling cancer when she was diagnosed said that she hoped that her cancer would make her as blessed as she was. Blessed with it.
When they were told she had had six months left to live, her and her husband decided not to focus on healing, but giving God the glory. She lived very long and fully. She was incredible. She had simple wisdom and kindness that touched lives.
She wouldt tell this story from one of her favorite books of a man who was being chased by a group of tigers. In order to escape, he went to an end of a cliff with a vine upon it. He climbed down on it, too late before realizing that the vine only reached halfway down, with jagged rocks below. But then the man saw these strawberries growing within reach. He picked one and ate it, finding it to be one of the most wonderful strawberries he had ever tasted.
She didn't focus on the tigers of her past or the rocks of her future, but the strawberries, the blessings of her current day.
She arranged most of her funeral herself, picked out songs and speakers. And this passage from a book, Brennan Manning's "Wisdom Tenderness", was something written by another woman dying, given to her friend, who was Brennan. It was about how one should not cry for her, but for themselves, to cheer and make a joyful noise because she was home with the Lord.
And that was incredible. Man, she was an amazing woman. I didn't really know her very well, but just reading the compliation of writings from people whose lives she touched, and thinking of how her sharing even touched my own life the way it did... man, she was amazing. She still IS amazing. She's home now, and she has no pain, no sorrow, and pure joy. She seemed so content, even in her difficulties.
When her husband spoke in front of the loved ones who attended the service, he said the things that he wanted us to know about her, and what SHE wanted us to know. Including what honored the most--people coming to know her Lord and Savior. She really brought people to Christ. And that is what she called for. And that is what God used her for--to show His love, to lead others to Him, in a gentle, subtle, friendly, sharing way. That's what people said about her in the booklet. That she never preached or lectured, she was so simply wise, and that she spoke to others sharing God, and loved so much.
She was an incredible woman.
Her husband brought up the question "why". Why did she have to go, if she had done so much, with all that was left? Because, perhaps, God wanted to bring in more Peggy's. That we need more people like her. We can't be like her without having that intimate relationship that she had with God.
I want to be like that. I want to be like her, I want to love God, and love people. Love God so much that the love just flows over. And I want to be gentle like her. And I want to live a legacy, one that impacts the people the way she did. I am not Peg, nor will I ever be, but I want to give myself to God so that He can be glorified through me, the way she did. I want touch lives through Him.
I don't know about you guys. God did give a choice. He knew from the beginning that Adam and Eve would make the choice to sin. But He loved us enough not to leave us completely seperated from Him; that's why He gave His Son, that's why He died on the cross for our sins. For our screw-ups. And that's why people like Peg can exist, can touch lives the way they do. Love people the way they do. Because they have Jesus' love in them.
I want to live like that. I'm aiming for that. I'm giving myself over to God. As completely as I can. I won't be perfect; I can't be. But I will live for Him and for others. That is what I must do. I'll let everyone make their choice, but I pray that I can live like her--show God's love through my relationships, in them. To all, just like Jesus, and how his disciple Peg did.
6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
~2 Corinthians 1-8
^Peg chose to have this verse read at the funeral.
Today, I went to a funeral. And I'm not even really sad, though I am. I need to grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice. And we had to do a little of both at the celebration of this woman's life today. Her name was Peg, or Peggy, and she was the wife of the Children's Pastor at my church.
She touched so many lives. Her husband says that she was a true imitator of Christ. He said that she taught him the most important part of life was relationships. And that she had a relationship with God so loving that the love spilled out to those lives she touched.
She wasn't an incredible singer, or a strong leader. She was a friend. She had so many friends, she touched so many lives, impacted them, changed them, even lead some to Christ. She loved them the way He loved us.
She believed that 100 years from now it wouldn't matter what kind of cars people drove, or what kind of houses they had, but the differences they made in the lives of others.
I may have mentioned her way earlier in my blog, when she shared some of her testimony to us students at the "after-party" of See You at the Pole.
Peggy was diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago. Three years later, the doctors said she had six months left to live.
She lived 8 years after. She had cancer all over, but no one would know that just by looking at her. She was an amazing woman, with an amazing legacy. Her legacy being that she was a friend, someone who exemplified God's love with her entire being. She said that God let her have cancer because He loved her very much. A good friend of hers who had been battling cancer when she was diagnosed said that she hoped that her cancer would make her as blessed as she was. Blessed with it.
When they were told she had had six months left to live, her and her husband decided not to focus on healing, but giving God the glory. She lived very long and fully. She was incredible. She had simple wisdom and kindness that touched lives.
She wouldt tell this story from one of her favorite books of a man who was being chased by a group of tigers. In order to escape, he went to an end of a cliff with a vine upon it. He climbed down on it, too late before realizing that the vine only reached halfway down, with jagged rocks below. But then the man saw these strawberries growing within reach. He picked one and ate it, finding it to be one of the most wonderful strawberries he had ever tasted.
She didn't focus on the tigers of her past or the rocks of her future, but the strawberries, the blessings of her current day.
She arranged most of her funeral herself, picked out songs and speakers. And this passage from a book, Brennan Manning's "Wisdom Tenderness", was something written by another woman dying, given to her friend, who was Brennan. It was about how one should not cry for her, but for themselves, to cheer and make a joyful noise because she was home with the Lord.
And that was incredible. Man, she was an amazing woman. I didn't really know her very well, but just reading the compliation of writings from people whose lives she touched, and thinking of how her sharing even touched my own life the way it did... man, she was amazing. She still IS amazing. She's home now, and she has no pain, no sorrow, and pure joy. She seemed so content, even in her difficulties.
When her husband spoke in front of the loved ones who attended the service, he said the things that he wanted us to know about her, and what SHE wanted us to know. Including what honored the most--people coming to know her Lord and Savior. She really brought people to Christ. And that is what she called for. And that is what God used her for--to show His love, to lead others to Him, in a gentle, subtle, friendly, sharing way. That's what people said about her in the booklet. That she never preached or lectured, she was so simply wise, and that she spoke to others sharing God, and loved so much.
She was an incredible woman.
Her husband brought up the question "why". Why did she have to go, if she had done so much, with all that was left? Because, perhaps, God wanted to bring in more Peggy's. That we need more people like her. We can't be like her without having that intimate relationship that she had with God.
I want to be like that. I want to be like her, I want to love God, and love people. Love God so much that the love just flows over. And I want to be gentle like her. And I want to live a legacy, one that impacts the people the way she did. I am not Peg, nor will I ever be, but I want to give myself to God so that He can be glorified through me, the way she did. I want touch lives through Him.
I don't know about you guys. God did give a choice. He knew from the beginning that Adam and Eve would make the choice to sin. But He loved us enough not to leave us completely seperated from Him; that's why He gave His Son, that's why He died on the cross for our sins. For our screw-ups. And that's why people like Peg can exist, can touch lives the way they do. Love people the way they do. Because they have Jesus' love in them.
I want to live like that. I'm aiming for that. I'm giving myself over to God. As completely as I can. I won't be perfect; I can't be. But I will live for Him and for others. That is what I must do. I'll let everyone make their choice, but I pray that I can live like her--show God's love through my relationships, in them. To all, just like Jesus, and how his disciple Peg did.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Me and My Flaws and Jared and My Brother and God and life and math tests
Let me start with Districts, the Christian conference I went to in Duluth this weekend. It was really, really awesome. I did learn a lot. I've gotta learn how to defend my faith better though. And... just learn how to be more consistent in my actions and what God wants me to do and who He wants me to be. I need to be more patient, less critical, less... erm, sometimes crudely humored. That's just an inconsistency thing. The whole James chapter 3 thing, taming the tongue and all that... important stuff.
Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...
I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.
Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.
Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )
Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.
My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*
I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.
Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.
Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.
I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.
My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.
I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.
Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.
But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.
I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.
And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.
So there's my first thing to improve:
LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)
and
LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO
And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.
There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.
But only in the segment that ran through the town.
Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...
Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:
-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.
My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.
And my dad came home safe and sound that night.
I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.
I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)
*huggles everyone*
Also, gotta be less judgmental... less quick to talk... less hypocritical...
I know it sounds like I'm just listing off flaws, but you know, it's better for me I think, to think of what I need to improve and how than just... sit and wallow in it. I used to do that all the time.
Need to read my Bible more consistently. Definitely that one. .-.
Okay, Districts peepz didn't tell me that exactly, but that's just what I think I need to change. I might talk about getting there a little later. (My hypocrisy coming out there... xP )
Soooo... today.... standardized/statewide/whatever test for math. xP I screwed up on a constructed response question (where it's open ended and you have to fill it out yourself and show your work and stuff). So that kinda sucked. But it was okay.
My brother and "Jared" sorta kinda fought today. Jared is a jerk. xP My brother can be annoying and obnoxious to the eighth graders, but gosh dangit, he jabbed him in the neck with his nail and Jared punches him! Little.. little... person. *sigh*
I'm glad he got sent to the principal's. And my little bro's alright, it's just... *sigh* Stupid Jared.
Sam 1 sitch is getting kind of resolved.
Man, I'm so dang weird... just the way I talk.. what I say. I want to be able to reach out to people and share what's right and true and all that, but I hold some of it back and blurt some of it out during school. Most of the time when I keep it to myself, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and when I say what I do, it sounds like I'm not saying it right... and I probably am not. Seriously.
I need to learn how to just... care. And just listen.
My friend/our leader in the room my little group had up at Districts, Chrissy, she's about... late 20's somewhere, but she's so cool. She's really awesome, really God-minded, and she understands everything I tell her. We had this great conversation about things and... she really understands.
I'm still struggling with just learning how to listen and not talk with my various friends who have various struggles in life. It's hard... I'm just... I talk too much, I'll put it there.
Like even Leah and I. (I hope you don't mind me mentioning you). She can be kind of quiet sometimes, but she's a really great listener. And I'm a good talker when it comes to good friends. So we have a good thing going when we're having conversations, though we try to balance out the talking/listening now. It really helps me sometimes.
But more than once have I been asked just to listen, and talked about by adults when I bring up my own personal "issues" with my modes of talking too much, about how I need to just... listen and let people vent sometimes.
I'll suck as a psychologist if I don't, as well. But right now, being a good FRIEND is what matters.
And that whole "psychologist" thing gets in the way too. Because I sometimes analyze my friends and their problems in my head, and then I talk, and they don't want advice... which tunes right back into the listening thing. I'm so... urggghhh grrrrrrrr.
So there's my first thing to improve:
LEARN HOW TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT (better)
and
LEARN WHEN TO EXPRESS OPINION/VIEWS/WHATEVER/ETC. AND WHEN NOT TO
And really, prayer is a big thing too... I went to an eight-hour prayer conference/rally/thing, where this guy who is joined in this group for praying for the country spoke at my church.
There was a river that ran through a village in Africa, that was poisonous and white, and when the people prayed for it, and lived rightly for God, the river went clean and clear.
But only in the segment that ran through the town.
Okay, you can say that it's a coincidence, but I won't. And I never will. Prayer is powerful, speaking to God, it's really powerful...
Things I've Learned from Various People and the Bible about prayer:
-Prayer must and can be honest, to a T. It's okay to have really angry, or really sad prayers. Even Jesus prayed this way at some points("Oh God, Oh God, why have you forasken me?" I think was it...).
-The best prayer, though, is one prayed with total faith in God. Like the people in Africa, and the time I gave my dad to God... (I sort of prayed something similar to something I read in the book "Crystal Lies" by Melody Carlson... erm, long story. But God really did help me and him.) Basically, in the book, the main character, a co-dependent mother of a drug addict, lets her son go in her heart, trusting God to care for him for sure, even through all of the difficult, terrible times.
My situation was a little different (not a mother, Dad's not a drug addict...) but it was something worthy of a prayer like that. And the peace... the peace that flowed over me when I truly let it go. I knew it was real.
And my dad came home safe and sound that night.
I know God's there. I've gotta work on my prayer life.
I think if I have more to say (which I probably will) I'll put it on another post. You guys are all awesome to keep reading me like this. I love you guys. :) I hope you're all doing well, and thank you so much for being there like you always are. :)
*huggles everyone*
Monday, April 20, 2009
THIRD! Sorry about that. Intro/Prologue-like-item to my story.
Author's Note:Inspired by Leah, I will put up this preface. The story itself may suck, but I kind of like my preface. I might try to summarize it later. It would be nice if someone who is more adult than me can tell me what it's like to be an adult.
“Change”
It’s amazing how much life can change in however many years we’ve been existent. There are a lot of things associated with that. At 20-some odd years, people will still call you young, yet you have lived through over two decades, and so many things can change in those over two decades. I mean, so many things can change in just one year. Or even a month.
A week.
A day. An hour.
A minute.
A second.
Lots of things happen that change us. Although it may be our choice to how we react to those changes, things will happen that will ultimately change us.
For better, or for worse.
People might hurt us; that may make us feel confused or angry or depressed. People might compliment us and bring up our confidence. Or, people will tell us something, and that might get us thinking, that might get us doubting, or assist us in finding something that we might have been looking for. Or make us face something we’d been fighting, or running from.
Changes can’t just be based on circumstances we can’t help. Changes can be from our own choices. How we react to circumstances beyond our control, changes us. What we choose, impacts our lives. Whether big or small, it just may change our life.
Whether a change will be good or bad is based on our own choices. Right or wrong, good or bad, internal or external.
AN: What do you guys think? Just let me know. It's super vague, but here's the story:
There's Ben Errickson, resident dreamer and optimist, Christian, and Marriage Counselor intern, with high hopes for the future and the future of his career. He'd gone through a lot, with his parents' divorce, and his sister's former teenage pregnancy. Now grown up, at around 26, his sister having such a ridiculous success in life with child and husband, as well as his parents' successful remarriages, and really hoping with God in his heart and thoughts, he wants to make things happen for other couples. He wants to work in the field to heal couples, but is well aware of how relationships can fail, and has learned to accept it, as difficult as it is. He is far in his progress from adolescence and those days. And has a strange attraction toward a girl in the workplace, that interests him out of the mystery of her problems and outwardly coarse attitude.
Erin is harder to explain. I still haven't figured her out entirely.
Erin Martensen has a counseling job that has something to do with girls who put themselves in compromising or dangerous situations or used to be in them. Though the job is serious, and the girls are sensitive, she is constantly, loudly, encouraging them to just live for themselves and do what they think is right and get out of whatever bad situation they're in. And not to mention, blames the guys entirely who often give them the problems in her perspective. She almost seems out to get the entire male population at times. She is not at all conventional with this, and is sometimes too loud to listen. She believes that no one should have control over anyone else. She comes on too strong, and acts like she's strong, and seems to not "take crap". And she doesn't let too many people in. But no one at the Center they work at really knows her that well. At one point, she was just like the girls in the groups she watches over, but after feeling guilt and pain and fear, she built up a shell of sarcasm and control and bitterness that she doesn't like to admit she has. And underneath it, she blames the person from her past, and curses herself for never standing up, making it her goal to make sure as many people as possible never have to reach that position again. Ben annoys the crud out of her, but only over time will she soften and open up again, through him at first.
Too cheesy/cliche/unrealistic/stupid/weird/sexist (ha)/dumb/strange/etc.? Let me know. Really. I want as much critque as possible on this because I want to be accurate. Or at least to a point. I know it's my story, but I've gotta write for readers, not just myself.
“Change”
It’s amazing how much life can change in however many years we’ve been existent. There are a lot of things associated with that. At 20-some odd years, people will still call you young, yet you have lived through over two decades, and so many things can change in those over two decades. I mean, so many things can change in just one year. Or even a month.
A week.
A day. An hour.
A minute.
A second.
Lots of things happen that change us. Although it may be our choice to how we react to those changes, things will happen that will ultimately change us.
For better, or for worse.
People might hurt us; that may make us feel confused or angry or depressed. People might compliment us and bring up our confidence. Or, people will tell us something, and that might get us thinking, that might get us doubting, or assist us in finding something that we might have been looking for. Or make us face something we’d been fighting, or running from.
Changes can’t just be based on circumstances we can’t help. Changes can be from our own choices. How we react to circumstances beyond our control, changes us. What we choose, impacts our lives. Whether big or small, it just may change our life.
Whether a change will be good or bad is based on our own choices. Right or wrong, good or bad, internal or external.
AN: What do you guys think? Just let me know. It's super vague, but here's the story:
There's Ben Errickson, resident dreamer and optimist, Christian, and Marriage Counselor intern, with high hopes for the future and the future of his career. He'd gone through a lot, with his parents' divorce, and his sister's former teenage pregnancy. Now grown up, at around 26, his sister having such a ridiculous success in life with child and husband, as well as his parents' successful remarriages, and really hoping with God in his heart and thoughts, he wants to make things happen for other couples. He wants to work in the field to heal couples, but is well aware of how relationships can fail, and has learned to accept it, as difficult as it is. He is far in his progress from adolescence and those days. And has a strange attraction toward a girl in the workplace, that interests him out of the mystery of her problems and outwardly coarse attitude.
Erin is harder to explain. I still haven't figured her out entirely.
Erin Martensen has a counseling job that has something to do with girls who put themselves in compromising or dangerous situations or used to be in them. Though the job is serious, and the girls are sensitive, she is constantly, loudly, encouraging them to just live for themselves and do what they think is right and get out of whatever bad situation they're in. And not to mention, blames the guys entirely who often give them the problems in her perspective. She almost seems out to get the entire male population at times. She is not at all conventional with this, and is sometimes too loud to listen. She believes that no one should have control over anyone else. She comes on too strong, and acts like she's strong, and seems to not "take crap". And she doesn't let too many people in. But no one at the Center they work at really knows her that well. At one point, she was just like the girls in the groups she watches over, but after feeling guilt and pain and fear, she built up a shell of sarcasm and control and bitterness that she doesn't like to admit she has. And underneath it, she blames the person from her past, and curses herself for never standing up, making it her goal to make sure as many people as possible never have to reach that position again. Ben annoys the crud out of her, but only over time will she soften and open up again, through him at first.
Too cheesy/cliche/unrealistic/stupid/weird/sexist (ha)/dumb/strange/etc.? Let me know. Really. I want as much critque as possible on this because I want to be accurate. Or at least to a point. I know it's my story, but I've gotta write for readers, not just myself.
Two posts in a row. I'm on a roll today! (Odd poetry and stuff)
Sorry for the lack of creativity in the titles. I will now write some random poetry.
Tell Me
I hate
Taking criticism
Sometimes
There's pride
I can't let go
Of what I wrote or thought or said
And become defensive or offended.
But I know I shouldn't.
I know when I should take it and the difference between constructive
And destructive
Criticism or insult.
But either way, please tell me
What you think.
Give me your opinion.
Or quote some scripture for me.
Insult me.
Make fun of me.
Just tell me.
I want to know.
I just want to know
What you think.
Maybe it shouldn't matter
It shouldn't affect me.
But the good things that affect me,
Will make me a more well-rounded person.
Make me listen better.
Humble me.
Even the bad
Will make me stronger in the end.
Just tell me everything you think.
Untitled
When I look at you,
I think of all the emotions
I felt for you
Why do I mess up things like this?
I just don't understand myself
But it doesn't matter anymore
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're doing good, I'm happy.
If you're covering up what's really inside, I understand.
Sometimes I don't want to believe this is really your personality.
But who am I to judge?
And if I truly cared for you, what would I do for you?
More notes would make you think I was strange, not that you already don't.
I'll try to understand you.
I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
I have a strane personality; I'm hard to understand, even to myself.
But I hope we can be friends.
We were at one point, and now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever think of me?
Or do you avoid me in your thoughts, just so you're avoiding me?
Will we ever get closer?
Should I even care?
It's for God I need to change.
It's for you I want to be softened.
And tougher at the same time.
You will never understand what I thought of you this year.
But it doesn't even matter.
I want to lead well, I want to be good.
I want to inspire, but God has to work through me, not on my own.
Follow Him, dear brother in Christ
I'll try not to be inconsistent anymore.
I have no right to criticize, I have no right to point out your flaws.
Especially when I need to focus yet on mine.
Keep on going with life, but fight the forces that lead you off the right path.
For your own good.
Live knowing He is there.
And that if you ever need another friend, I will jump at the chance.
Always There
I thank the Lord for you
Every single day
He is a wonderful God, and you are the ones He gave me to keep me in check.
You are the one I talk to when others bring me down
You are the one who give me encouragement on the times I need it
You could write an entire book about me, as I could for you.
You and I know each other far too well
You are always there for me
I hope I'm always there for you.
If I've ever failed you, which I'm sure I have, I'm sorry.
You put up with my demandingness, my bipolar self-esteem
You put up with me every single night.
You know how to listen, and when to talk and when not to.
You are just too amazing.
God, thanks for blessing me with such a great friend.
To All my Friends
All of you
Always listening
Always talking
On my nerves, or on my heart, on my mind
All the time.
I love you all.
I care for you in different ways
And never want to see you hurt
Though I have.
Many of you.
Dearest friends.
You are always in my prayers,
In my thoughts.
You never leave my mind.
Even when I feel I've failed you, you prove me wrong.
And when I actually do, you're always so loving
So forgiving.
I thank God for you too, my friends.
I'll never leave your side
He'll never leave your side.
You're in my life for a reason.
And I thank God for your presences
For your kindness and your openness and love.
Tell Me
I hate
Taking criticism
Sometimes
There's pride
I can't let go
Of what I wrote or thought or said
And become defensive or offended.
But I know I shouldn't.
I know when I should take it and the difference between constructive
And destructive
Criticism or insult.
But either way, please tell me
What you think.
Give me your opinion.
Or quote some scripture for me.
Insult me.
Make fun of me.
Just tell me.
I want to know.
I just want to know
What you think.
Maybe it shouldn't matter
It shouldn't affect me.
But the good things that affect me,
Will make me a more well-rounded person.
Make me listen better.
Humble me.
Even the bad
Will make me stronger in the end.
Just tell me everything you think.
Untitled
When I look at you,
I think of all the emotions
I felt for you
Why do I mess up things like this?
I just don't understand myself
But it doesn't matter anymore
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're doing good, I'm happy.
If you're covering up what's really inside, I understand.
Sometimes I don't want to believe this is really your personality.
But who am I to judge?
And if I truly cared for you, what would I do for you?
More notes would make you think I was strange, not that you already don't.
I'll try to understand you.
I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
I have a strane personality; I'm hard to understand, even to myself.
But I hope we can be friends.
We were at one point, and now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever think of me?
Or do you avoid me in your thoughts, just so you're avoiding me?
Will we ever get closer?
Should I even care?
It's for God I need to change.
It's for you I want to be softened.
And tougher at the same time.
You will never understand what I thought of you this year.
But it doesn't even matter.
I want to lead well, I want to be good.
I want to inspire, but God has to work through me, not on my own.
Follow Him, dear brother in Christ
I'll try not to be inconsistent anymore.
I have no right to criticize, I have no right to point out your flaws.
Especially when I need to focus yet on mine.
Keep on going with life, but fight the forces that lead you off the right path.
For your own good.
Live knowing He is there.
And that if you ever need another friend, I will jump at the chance.
Always There
I thank the Lord for you
Every single day
He is a wonderful God, and you are the ones He gave me to keep me in check.
You are the one I talk to when others bring me down
You are the one who give me encouragement on the times I need it
You could write an entire book about me, as I could for you.
You and I know each other far too well
You are always there for me
I hope I'm always there for you.
If I've ever failed you, which I'm sure I have, I'm sorry.
You put up with my demandingness, my bipolar self-esteem
You put up with me every single night.
You know how to listen, and when to talk and when not to.
You are just too amazing.
God, thanks for blessing me with such a great friend.
To All my Friends
All of you
Always listening
Always talking
On my nerves, or on my heart, on my mind
All the time.
I love you all.
I care for you in different ways
And never want to see you hurt
Though I have.
Many of you.
Dearest friends.
You are always in my prayers,
In my thoughts.
You never leave my mind.
Even when I feel I've failed you, you prove me wrong.
And when I actually do, you're always so loving
So forgiving.
I thank God for you too, my friends.
I'll never leave your side
He'll never leave your side.
You're in my life for a reason.
And I thank God for your presences
For your kindness and your openness and love.
OMC AN EXACT 2 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST!!!
Once again, I start with an apology. I'm really, really, REALLY sorry for not posting. I am REALLY not good with all this irregular posting, guys. I'm sorry. :(
*hug* You guys are still totally awesome for reading my blog.
Anyways, April 20. Things about today:
-It is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings
-It's the day I can go back to phone roleplaying with my friend
-It's... April 20th.
I have this book that has this story of Cassie Bernall from before she became a Christian again and everything, and it was written by her parents, and... *sigh* It was really good, but really sad. The whole situation is really, REALLY sad. That all those kids had to lose their lives that way. And the many more who have since then.
The roleplaying thing kind of pales in the Columbine situation. I really don't just wanna brush over that, but I sort of do. It reminds me of when I watched Hotel Rwanda for school, and how the UN got only the European/American/etc. tourists out and themselves to cover themselves up and didn't help the Rwandans until so much killing had already happened.
It's all incredibly sad, all of that. *sigh* I pray that the survivors are all doing well.
---
Continuing from my last post, I do think I'm done with liking Sam 1. He's got a girlfriend now, and she's nice enough, and I just don't think I can keep on going with that. Weird stuff happened (as in, his dad came over and talked to my dad over Sam 1's behavior, which isn't very nice or appropriate toward me and various other people), and I'm trying to just think of him as a regular person again. Not a "cardboard cut-out" of eighth grade crush. A guy who could be my friend, a guy who might be struggling with things that don't ever surface out from his crudely-humored shell at school. I'm trying to do that with all of his... friends... as well.
*sigh*
Easter.
Easter was pretty awesome. I loved my church service, and the song that one of the women in the church sang:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6LGSzNW9xU
It was sort of obvious that they were reaching out to the people who DIDN'T believe in Christ exactly, during the sermon. But I was okay with that.
I've been thinking a lot lately. The past couple of weeks, I thought too much. I really just... I had a bout of questioning. Lots of it. But I'm done with that. I don't mean to offend anyone with the song or what I write or anything. I really just know in my heart, that God is there. And all his laws are righteous and true.
Things that have spoken to me/inspired me/made me think/made me hopeful/etc. lately (within past week/Sunday/etc.):
-Post on one of the ASN D&D boards about "throwing stones" (like in the Bible, how Jesus told the crowd who were going to stone an unfaithful woman or something, and said "He without sin may throw the first stone", and how no one could...) It was kind of humbling, I think. I realize I'm too critical and overly "conservative" sometimes. Loving the sinner and not the sin has been easier said than done lately, to be brutally honest, which is a bad thing. And I can't be that way.
-The former atheist woman who shared her testimony to the Sunday School class yesterday. She was awesome... really awesome. People can be transformed so much.
-My Youth Pastor, even as he was getting somewhat "let go" by the church. He really knows what he's talking about. And he's so God-centered on this. I followed his struggle through my dad, who talks to him a lot. And he seemed so encouraged, so sure, of God's direction, so trusting, so faithful, even in such a difficult "season" as he's now put it. I thought that was pretty awesome.
-Leah's confirmation homework for confirmation. What (I think it was Martin Luther...) wrote about temptation:
"Casts doubt on revealed word (I say "Truth" in place of revealed word for some reason...)"
"Contradicts revealed word"
"Counter-promises revealed word"
It's really true, is what I've found... the way Satan works in temptation, the way temptation, even through ourselves, goes... it's pretty deep, pretty real. I've seen it. Every time I've gotten tempted to believe something that's wrong, that's just the way it goes. o.o
-People just being nice to me. Sam 1 being able to talk to me like a friend at Youth Group, and then not as much at school. But it's okay-ish.
-My dad mentioning again how the adults at my church think I'm a leader, a good encourager, a caring person... sometimes I feel like I don't fit that at all. And I never feel like I do. But knowing people see me that way, usually it scares me... but it really makes me want to keep aiming high. Not only because I don't want to fail them, but because I really want to care. And I really want to follow where God wants me to go, and be a good example to my friends and youth group members. And I can't let God or them down.
-How I've really been blessed with a gift, apparently. Even when I don't see it.
And that's about all I think I'll say for this post. God bless you all. Jesus loves you too.
You guys are pretty awesome. Love ya all! Talk to you soon. :)
*hug* You guys are still totally awesome for reading my blog.
Anyways, April 20. Things about today:
-It is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings
-It's the day I can go back to phone roleplaying with my friend
-It's... April 20th.
I have this book that has this story of Cassie Bernall from before she became a Christian again and everything, and it was written by her parents, and... *sigh* It was really good, but really sad. The whole situation is really, REALLY sad. That all those kids had to lose their lives that way. And the many more who have since then.
The roleplaying thing kind of pales in the Columbine situation. I really don't just wanna brush over that, but I sort of do. It reminds me of when I watched Hotel Rwanda for school, and how the UN got only the European/American/etc. tourists out and themselves to cover themselves up and didn't help the Rwandans until so much killing had already happened.
It's all incredibly sad, all of that. *sigh* I pray that the survivors are all doing well.
---
Continuing from my last post, I do think I'm done with liking Sam 1. He's got a girlfriend now, and she's nice enough, and I just don't think I can keep on going with that. Weird stuff happened (as in, his dad came over and talked to my dad over Sam 1's behavior, which isn't very nice or appropriate toward me and various other people), and I'm trying to just think of him as a regular person again. Not a "cardboard cut-out" of eighth grade crush. A guy who could be my friend, a guy who might be struggling with things that don't ever surface out from his crudely-humored shell at school. I'm trying to do that with all of his... friends... as well.
*sigh*
Easter.
Easter was pretty awesome. I loved my church service, and the song that one of the women in the church sang:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6LGSzNW9xU
It was sort of obvious that they were reaching out to the people who DIDN'T believe in Christ exactly, during the sermon. But I was okay with that.
I've been thinking a lot lately. The past couple of weeks, I thought too much. I really just... I had a bout of questioning. Lots of it. But I'm done with that. I don't mean to offend anyone with the song or what I write or anything. I really just know in my heart, that God is there. And all his laws are righteous and true.
Things that have spoken to me/inspired me/made me think/made me hopeful/etc. lately (within past week/Sunday/etc.):
-Post on one of the ASN D&D boards about "throwing stones" (like in the Bible, how Jesus told the crowd who were going to stone an unfaithful woman or something, and said "He without sin may throw the first stone", and how no one could...) It was kind of humbling, I think. I realize I'm too critical and overly "conservative" sometimes. Loving the sinner and not the sin has been easier said than done lately, to be brutally honest, which is a bad thing. And I can't be that way.
-The former atheist woman who shared her testimony to the Sunday School class yesterday. She was awesome... really awesome. People can be transformed so much.
-My Youth Pastor, even as he was getting somewhat "let go" by the church. He really knows what he's talking about. And he's so God-centered on this. I followed his struggle through my dad, who talks to him a lot. And he seemed so encouraged, so sure, of God's direction, so trusting, so faithful, even in such a difficult "season" as he's now put it. I thought that was pretty awesome.
-Leah's confirmation homework for confirmation. What (I think it was Martin Luther...) wrote about temptation:
"Casts doubt on revealed word (I say "Truth" in place of revealed word for some reason...)"
"Contradicts revealed word"
"Counter-promises revealed word"
It's really true, is what I've found... the way Satan works in temptation, the way temptation, even through ourselves, goes... it's pretty deep, pretty real. I've seen it. Every time I've gotten tempted to believe something that's wrong, that's just the way it goes. o.o
-People just being nice to me. Sam 1 being able to talk to me like a friend at Youth Group, and then not as much at school. But it's okay-ish.
-My dad mentioning again how the adults at my church think I'm a leader, a good encourager, a caring person... sometimes I feel like I don't fit that at all. And I never feel like I do. But knowing people see me that way, usually it scares me... but it really makes me want to keep aiming high. Not only because I don't want to fail them, but because I really want to care. And I really want to follow where God wants me to go, and be a good example to my friends and youth group members. And I can't let God or them down.
-How I've really been blessed with a gift, apparently. Even when I don't see it.
And that's about all I think I'll say for this post. God bless you all. Jesus loves you too.
You guys are pretty awesome. Love ya all! Talk to you soon. :)
Friday, February 20, 2009
I'm sorry, but this blog baby has been taken by blog protective services due to severe neglect.
First off, I'd like to say, YOU PEOPLE ARE AMAZING TO STILL BE READING MY BLOG AFTER I'VE SEVERELY NEGLECTED IT.
Which I now do consistently.
I am so, so, so, SO, sorry, guys. Commenters (sp?), you are amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing your opinions of my blog, and for being very encouraging. You guys are all great.
--------
So, I don't really feel very inclined to talk about political issues right now, though I did write some interesting poetry on Facebook today after coming home from a half-day at school.
Other than that, I was just looking over old blogs, gmail chats, and emails. Particularly the things that had to do with my totally screwed dating life as of last year.
I never really have been on what I've called an "official" date, but I suppose I've "dated".
I've had boyfriends.
I can't believe I'm talking about this right now. Just rereading what I did, my gosh. I suck. I sucked as a girlfriend, I sucked. I was terrible.
Whenever I look back in my middle school past and think of times when I didn't really like my life, I always looked to sixth grade, where I was pretty depressed and at zero self-esteem.
And now I realize why I don't like touching seventh grade again.
What I learned in sixth grade:
I am not alone.
I don't need to be miserable.
SELF-INJURY IS BADDD.
EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
(btw, I never actually tried those things; I just contemplated them quite frequently.)
Helping others is amazing.
God is there for me, made me, and He WILL always be there for me.
God really DOES save your life. (literally, He did, does, and will continue to do so.)
Seventh Grade:
I guess I just learned how to be the worst possible girlfriend on the face of the planet.
After I read "For Young Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhan and Lisa A. Rice (lovingly coined "the guy book" by my friends and I) for the first time, I realized how many mistakes I'd made that probably put down guys I knew very much. More particularly, a certain guy formally coded "Jared" on this blog.
Man.
I was really, really, REALLY, terrible. It's not as though he was a perfect guy either, but, still. We were friends. He liked me. I consider myself to be the worse side of the so-called "former 'dating' relationship".
Not only did I badly hurt Jared, but probably Mark as well. And I was totally OBSESSED with Mark. I had Bella Swan syndrome for this guy! (Actually, more Edward Cullen syndrome... without all the suicide and crap; more Edward because I seriously considered and thought about marrying him in the long future that I thought could have stretched ahead of us.)
How naive is that?
I don't know...
But now, with this uber-suck crush on Sam #1, I just... it doesn't make any sense to me. I have practically no reason to like him. He isn't all that nice to me, and it's apparent I annoy him, a lot of the time, conciously.
I've decided to officially put away that crush crap right now.
I just can't do that to another guy, being friends is a better idea to me right now. After all that happened with Jared and Mark last year, I know it's best for me not to have a boyfriend for the simple purpose of liking to have a boyfriend. Because that's shallow.
And "love", I guess, shouldn't just be about emotions. I was sooo obsessed with emotions back then.
And though I'd "love" to just have a boyfriend right now, because it "feels" so good to, and though I'd "love" to really find the "one", (I doubt and confuse my own motives a ton) I'd also love to just "be in love."
Buuuuuuuuuuuut... None of those definitions fit this one exactly:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I really do like all of my friends, female or male. And I think, as difficult as it would be, especially for someone like ME, I should keep my guy friends just friends.
And thank you so much, to one of a really, really, great guy friend of mine, who I think would be a totally amazing boyfriend/husband to some lucky girl one day, for encouraging me and talking to me today, Nathaniel. You are so totally awesome. Seriously.
And to my female friends out there, thank you so much for putting up with me even when I'm an emotional/hormonal mess. You people amaze me. XD :) You are the best friends I have ever had, and I thank God for you every day.
I love you all,
God Bless,
Aly.
Which I now do consistently.
I am so, so, so, SO, sorry, guys. Commenters (sp?), you are amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing your opinions of my blog, and for being very encouraging. You guys are all great.
--------
So, I don't really feel very inclined to talk about political issues right now, though I did write some interesting poetry on Facebook today after coming home from a half-day at school.
Other than that, I was just looking over old blogs, gmail chats, and emails. Particularly the things that had to do with my totally screwed dating life as of last year.
I never really have been on what I've called an "official" date, but I suppose I've "dated".
I've had boyfriends.
I can't believe I'm talking about this right now. Just rereading what I did, my gosh. I suck. I sucked as a girlfriend, I sucked. I was terrible.
Whenever I look back in my middle school past and think of times when I didn't really like my life, I always looked to sixth grade, where I was pretty depressed and at zero self-esteem.
And now I realize why I don't like touching seventh grade again.
What I learned in sixth grade:
I am not alone.
I don't need to be miserable.
SELF-INJURY IS BADDD.
EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
(btw, I never actually tried those things; I just contemplated them quite frequently.)
Helping others is amazing.
God is there for me, made me, and He WILL always be there for me.
God really DOES save your life. (literally, He did, does, and will continue to do so.)
Seventh Grade:
I guess I just learned how to be the worst possible girlfriend on the face of the planet.
After I read "For Young Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhan and Lisa A. Rice (lovingly coined "the guy book" by my friends and I) for the first time, I realized how many mistakes I'd made that probably put down guys I knew very much. More particularly, a certain guy formally coded "Jared" on this blog.
Man.
I was really, really, REALLY, terrible. It's not as though he was a perfect guy either, but, still. We were friends. He liked me. I consider myself to be the worse side of the so-called "former 'dating' relationship".
Not only did I badly hurt Jared, but probably Mark as well. And I was totally OBSESSED with Mark. I had Bella Swan syndrome for this guy! (Actually, more Edward Cullen syndrome... without all the suicide and crap; more Edward because I seriously considered and thought about marrying him in the long future that I thought could have stretched ahead of us.)
How naive is that?
I don't know...
But now, with this uber-suck crush on Sam #1, I just... it doesn't make any sense to me. I have practically no reason to like him. He isn't all that nice to me, and it's apparent I annoy him, a lot of the time, conciously.
I've decided to officially put away that crush crap right now.
I just can't do that to another guy, being friends is a better idea to me right now. After all that happened with Jared and Mark last year, I know it's best for me not to have a boyfriend for the simple purpose of liking to have a boyfriend. Because that's shallow.
And "love", I guess, shouldn't just be about emotions. I was sooo obsessed with emotions back then.
And though I'd "love" to just have a boyfriend right now, because it "feels" so good to, and though I'd "love" to really find the "one", (I doubt and confuse my own motives a ton) I'd also love to just "be in love."
Buuuuuuuuuuuut... None of those definitions fit this one exactly:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I really do like all of my friends, female or male. And I think, as difficult as it would be, especially for someone like ME, I should keep my guy friends just friends.
And thank you so much, to one of a really, really, great guy friend of mine, who I think would be a totally amazing boyfriend/husband to some lucky girl one day, for encouraging me and talking to me today, Nathaniel. You are so totally awesome. Seriously.
And to my female friends out there, thank you so much for putting up with me even when I'm an emotional/hormonal mess. You people amaze me. XD :) You are the best friends I have ever had, and I thank God for you every day.
I love you all,
God Bless,
Aly.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
If my blog is really like a baby, as Dibs says, it is currently being starved to death(having issues; very ventish.)
I AM SO SORRY FOR BLOGNEGLECTING AGAIN. AND AGAIN. And again, and again, and again...
Sorry guys. :-/
Don't know what to talk about right now.
Yeah. Today I gave people this letter I received in an email about the Freedom of Choice Act (about abortion, in America; SOMETHING THAT WOULD LEGALIZE PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTIONS, and make ALL HOSPITALS UNABLE TO REFUSE PEOPLE AN ABORTION, including Catholic ones, and MAKE PARENTAL CONSENT UNNECESSARY...)
and how people are praying over it not getting passed by Obama, who is becoming the new president in a frightening six days.
I really don't like Obama.
I'm sorry supporters of Obama, and pro-choicers, but I just can't support that. I hardly support abortion at all (it is most understandable to me when there is a definite chance that either mother or child will die, or rape/incest, which makes up ONLY 1-2% of abortions...), and it is a very disturbing practice to me. 4,000 babies are killed each year.
And it could possibly be waaaaay more if this thing gets passed. (The email said 100,000 more per year.)
Ya know, I'm just gonna copy and paste it right now.
The email/prayer request:
"Prayer request - start Jan. 11
If you are apposed to abortion then there is bad news on the horizon. For those of you who do not know, the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) is set to be signed if congress passes it on January 21-22 of 2009. The FOCA is the next sick chapter in the book of abortion. If made a law, then all limitations on abortion will be lifted, which will result in the following:
1) All hospitals, including Catholic hospitals, will be required to perform abortions upon request. If this happens, Bishops vow to close down all Catholic hospitals, more then 30% of all hospitals in the United States.
2) Partial-birth abortions would be legal and have no limitations.
3) All U.S. tax payers would be funding abortions.
4) Parental notification will no longer be required.
5) The number of abortions will increase by a minimum of 100,000 annually.
Perhaps most importantly, the government would have control in the issue of abortion. This could result in a future amendment that would force women by law to have abortions in certain situations (rape, Downʼs syndrome babies, etc) and could even regulate how many children women are allowed to have.
Needless to say, this information is disturbing, but sadly, true. As Catholics, as Christians, as anyone who is against the needless killing of innocent children, we must stand as one. We must stop this horrific act before it becomes a law.
The Plan :
9 days of prayer along with fasting starting on January 11th to stop the FOCA from passing. I encourage you to pray your strongest prayers. The hope is that this will branch and blossom as to become a global effort with maximum impact. We have very little time, so we all must act fast. Just do three things:
1) Pass this letter to 5 or more people
2) Do it in three days or fewer
3) Start praying on January 11th and pray for nine consecutive days.
(please also fast for at least two days during the novena)
Remember that, with God, all things are possible, and the power of prayer is undeniable. If you are against the senseless killing of defenseless children then the time is now to do something about it!
May God bless you all!!"
All that right there. I'm personally praying for it. I believe that through God, all things are possible. But... I don't know whether or not getting rid of this is in His will. Though I pray it is. But, the world is coming to a close rather soon... it's coming when we least expect it. I don't know if abortion is part of that, but it sure has gotten rid of a ton of innocent lives.
I'm sorry if I sound too judgemental right now.
---
Okay, my new blog format for rants/whatever else will now be:
-Big issue/issues/issue I've already talked about but talk too much about anyway
-Personal issues/life/good stuff/bad stuff (hope I don't bore/depress you guys)
-Other stuffs.
In no particular order.
---
Today, I'm having issues.
Or at least as of this moment.
I don't know. I think I'm too judgemental or critical and mean and unkind, and then when I'm not, I'm way too sensitive, or self-depracating. I have never been able to find a happy medium. Lately, I don't think I've been sensitive enough toward other people who are having issues. I mean, am I not supposed to care most for those around me? And I'm really bad with my faith lately too. I don't know. I'm just confused and headwall and circley spiral and stuffs.
I just went to Timber Bay, which is usually totally and entirely and amazingly uplifting when it comes to my strengthening my faith in the Lord. But this time, it just didn't effect me. Just reinforced things I already knew. I still believe in God, and His miracles, and His son, and everything, it's just, I don't know if I trust Him enough... I keep questioning myself. (And those liars on ASN who say CHRISTIANS NEVER DOUBT THEIR FAITH. o.e) I'm just questioning... things. Like if I actually existed back in Jesus's day, would I have really believed what He'd been doing was good? It was the people who had the simplest of faith who were some of the most amazing. And others who screwed up and got back to Him anyway. (And that's just the way it is now too; I don't know, I just find recovery stories more inspiring than people who haven't had it so bad and still make it through life very well... unless they're helping other people... well... I dunno. I guess I can be inspired by a lot of things. Lots of faith. I think... okay, now I'm off topic. Sorry!) Either way, would I have believed it if I had seen it? I keep telling myself I would have. And that I would have believed the prophets and everything before He had come. I just don't know. It's just this one little doubt that was planted in me and just keeps getting more and more twisted and destructive.
I don't give up on this life. I don't want to give up on God's plan for me. I KNOW He knows what's best for me. And I KNOW He has better plans for me than I could ever have. I want to trust Him. And I don't want to believe what's wrong.
*exhales*
I think I just got through that.
Amen.
Alright... Now onto...
---
OTHER STUFFS.
I have just realized that Sam 1 and I have hardly anything in common. (now feeling very shallow for talking about crushes.)
Okay, back to serious stuff. (Again, I'm sorry if I anger you, depress you, etc...)
My friends are still having severe issues and I'm still neglecting them. They call, I might not call back, I take forever to call them... (OMC, I should call Rose, like right now...)
But... yeah. And I don't know. They might be having issues, and I might not be there for them... And I know they're having issues... I should probably talk to them... :-/
Love you guys.
God Bless,
Aly
Sorry guys. :-/
Don't know what to talk about right now.
Yeah. Today I gave people this letter I received in an email about the Freedom of Choice Act (about abortion, in America; SOMETHING THAT WOULD LEGALIZE PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTIONS, and make ALL HOSPITALS UNABLE TO REFUSE PEOPLE AN ABORTION, including Catholic ones, and MAKE PARENTAL CONSENT UNNECESSARY...)
and how people are praying over it not getting passed by Obama, who is becoming the new president in a frightening six days.
I really don't like Obama.
I'm sorry supporters of Obama, and pro-choicers, but I just can't support that. I hardly support abortion at all (it is most understandable to me when there is a definite chance that either mother or child will die, or rape/incest, which makes up ONLY 1-2% of abortions...), and it is a very disturbing practice to me. 4,000 babies are killed each year.
And it could possibly be waaaaay more if this thing gets passed. (The email said 100,000 more per year.)
Ya know, I'm just gonna copy and paste it right now.
The email/prayer request:
"Prayer request - start Jan. 11
If you are apposed to abortion then there is bad news on the horizon. For those of you who do not know, the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) is set to be signed if congress passes it on January 21-22 of 2009. The FOCA is the next sick chapter in the book of abortion. If made a law, then all limitations on abortion will be lifted, which will result in the following:
1) All hospitals, including Catholic hospitals, will be required to perform abortions upon request. If this happens, Bishops vow to close down all Catholic hospitals, more then 30% of all hospitals in the United States.
2) Partial-birth abortions would be legal and have no limitations.
3) All U.S. tax payers would be funding abortions.
4) Parental notification will no longer be required.
5) The number of abortions will increase by a minimum of 100,000 annually.
Perhaps most importantly, the government would have control in the issue of abortion. This could result in a future amendment that would force women by law to have abortions in certain situations (rape, Downʼs syndrome babies, etc) and could even regulate how many children women are allowed to have.
Needless to say, this information is disturbing, but sadly, true. As Catholics, as Christians, as anyone who is against the needless killing of innocent children, we must stand as one. We must stop this horrific act before it becomes a law.
The Plan :
9 days of prayer along with fasting starting on January 11th to stop the FOCA from passing. I encourage you to pray your strongest prayers. The hope is that this will branch and blossom as to become a global effort with maximum impact. We have very little time, so we all must act fast. Just do three things:
1) Pass this letter to 5 or more people
2) Do it in three days or fewer
3) Start praying on January 11th and pray for nine consecutive days.
(please also fast for at least two days during the novena)
Remember that, with God, all things are possible, and the power of prayer is undeniable. If you are against the senseless killing of defenseless children then the time is now to do something about it!
May God bless you all!!"
All that right there. I'm personally praying for it. I believe that through God, all things are possible. But... I don't know whether or not getting rid of this is in His will. Though I pray it is. But, the world is coming to a close rather soon... it's coming when we least expect it. I don't know if abortion is part of that, but it sure has gotten rid of a ton of innocent lives.
I'm sorry if I sound too judgemental right now.
---
Okay, my new blog format for rants/whatever else will now be:
-Big issue/issues/issue I've already talked about but talk too much about anyway
-Personal issues/life/good stuff/bad stuff (hope I don't bore/depress you guys)
-Other stuffs.
In no particular order.
---
Today, I'm having issues.
Or at least as of this moment.
I don't know. I think I'm too judgemental or critical and mean and unkind, and then when I'm not, I'm way too sensitive, or self-depracating. I have never been able to find a happy medium. Lately, I don't think I've been sensitive enough toward other people who are having issues. I mean, am I not supposed to care most for those around me? And I'm really bad with my faith lately too. I don't know. I'm just confused and headwall and circley spiral and stuffs.
I just went to Timber Bay, which is usually totally and entirely and amazingly uplifting when it comes to my strengthening my faith in the Lord. But this time, it just didn't effect me. Just reinforced things I already knew. I still believe in God, and His miracles, and His son, and everything, it's just, I don't know if I trust Him enough... I keep questioning myself. (And those liars on ASN who say CHRISTIANS NEVER DOUBT THEIR FAITH. o.e) I'm just questioning... things. Like if I actually existed back in Jesus's day, would I have really believed what He'd been doing was good? It was the people who had the simplest of faith who were some of the most amazing. And others who screwed up and got back to Him anyway. (And that's just the way it is now too; I don't know, I just find recovery stories more inspiring than people who haven't had it so bad and still make it through life very well... unless they're helping other people... well... I dunno. I guess I can be inspired by a lot of things. Lots of faith. I think... okay, now I'm off topic. Sorry!) Either way, would I have believed it if I had seen it? I keep telling myself I would have. And that I would have believed the prophets and everything before He had come. I just don't know. It's just this one little doubt that was planted in me and just keeps getting more and more twisted and destructive.
I don't give up on this life. I don't want to give up on God's plan for me. I KNOW He knows what's best for me. And I KNOW He has better plans for me than I could ever have. I want to trust Him. And I don't want to believe what's wrong.
*exhales*
I think I just got through that.
Amen.
Alright... Now onto...
---
OTHER STUFFS.
I have just realized that Sam 1 and I have hardly anything in common. (now feeling very shallow for talking about crushes.)
Okay, back to serious stuff. (Again, I'm sorry if I anger you, depress you, etc...)
My friends are still having severe issues and I'm still neglecting them. They call, I might not call back, I take forever to call them... (OMC, I should call Rose, like right now...)
But... yeah. And I don't know. They might be having issues, and I might not be there for them... And I know they're having issues... I should probably talk to them... :-/
Love you guys.
God Bless,
Aly
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