Promise to self and others:
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST...
Ai'ight, sorry guys for being gone forever... Dx
I love you guys, though! Seriously!
Leanne has been having internet issues for a very long while nowzzz, so it ish sad. D':
But Rose and her family are coming up for Christmas/New Year! ^^
And it shall be amazing!
I'm so glad for the Christmas season be here. It's always such a great, hopeful, joyful time for me. And, like all breaks from school/holidays a good time for reflection, writing, reading, talking, etc.
I do that anyway, but I have more time now.
And now, for some really irrelevant/relevant? musings of stuffs.
Numero uno, Leanne and I talk on the phone 24/7. I've been neglecting a lot of my other friends lately... :'( And the internet. Especially my internet friends. Which is bad. And I shouldn't do that.
But the phone-roleplay (which started out as a parody of our characters out of various roleplays I've joined/mainly "In Their Eyes" on AvatarSpirit.net) we do now really has me thinking.
I've always got dark, messed-up characters, with messed-up lives, and messed-up everything else. Plus, I'm a Christian (and YES, this has to do with something, it has to do with EVERYTHING) and they don't follow my own moral standards. I've been a pretty darkish person since around two years ago or longer, a little confused, a littl culture-shocked because I was either sheltered or 100% obliviously and happily naiive up until around fifth grade.
Probably a little bit of both. But when my parents decided to let me be a little less sheltered, I guess I just kept being blissfully ignorant/oblvious/naiive on my own.
Psh, they still think they shelter me.
But, I ruin that kind of effort. And they appreciate my deeper thoughts on things as a teenager, even when they may not agree, or have the same thoughts. They're my parents. I think they're glad I talk to them. If I talk to my mom, then she's mostly listening because I often talk to her after a couple cups of coffee in the morning after an entire week of school and I'm dancing and jumping off of kitchen chairs while ranting about "political issues" and friends and a whole bunch of other things and writing... etc...
But, back on topic.
So I'm dark. And I can take all the dark stuff. I read so many "problem novels" now, it's not even funny. I'm just too serious sometimes! My sense of humor is pretty harsh sometimes.
But I used to do this kind of writing/reading/talking because:
1. I was utterly depressing/depressed? in sixth grade
2. Due to this, I made my poor depressing already Mary-Sue'd character Kim become my emo self and do the morbid crud I couldn't get my own self to do
3. Later on, I read/wrote this kind of stuff to understand real troubled people without asking troubled people I know, or experiencing it myself (psych-preparation; YA fiction is how I RESEARCH[ED?])
4. Now I just don't know why. Might still be the research. And maybe for the sake of experiencing.
But here's what I know. As I keep on doing this, things just don't manage to phase anymore. Like my friend's "legal murder" comment on abortion, just the matter-of-fact voice of hers in that comment, just how unattached it was, like there was nothing to be done, nothing to be said, just a horrible fact-of-life, without the emotion, that's just how everything's starting to become for me.
What I realize is that there are REAL people who live this way. Who do what Leanne's and my characters do. Who have gone through the things we put them through. The people who live those miserable lives and keeping going through their vicious cycles until they conciously try to stop and move on and change their life, escape their circumstances and start over, do NOT have the luxury of acting it out, of pretending, the luxury of saying on the phone or Personal Messaging saying to "take a break" from it, or to press that fake rewind button when things get too intense for the writer/speaker's sake.
I know it was wrong for me to WISH for misfortune for myself for the sake of empathy, to truly understand a person's pain. But it's better than continuing drama for the sake of continuing it. It's like a real person's miserable life is just a petty thing to play with to a person who has a relatively decent life. Melody Carlson, Jodi Picoult, what is with these women? Why do they write what they write? Why do I write what I write? How do I keep doing that?
I want to be more aware. And I want to understand. But I don't want to have a terrible life, even if it means it would be more inspiring, at least in my own opinion, if I overcame it.
My dad is a perfect example.
Problem is, he's STILL overcoming. He's nearing fifty years old, and things that happened all the way back in his childhood, in his teenage years, STILL are with him, even as he overcomes. He has Christ in his life, and being a follower of the Lord does NOT make your life easier. It makes it easier to bear and shows you the higher meaning of WHY you were put on earth, WHY you go through what you do. It shows you that you were put here to accomplish something beautiful, to show the hope you received in HIM to others. You do not turn on a light and hide it underneath a bowl. You show it to others.
That is why is Christmas is beautiful too.
I always had a recovery story for my character locked up in my head if they ever got that far into a story or a roleplay. They just keep stumbling and falling and crawling, and trying to go through life on their own. Therefore, they keep falling. None of them know how to deal with their life. They're angry, they're hurting, and they just don't understand. This is a terrible stereotype, I suppose for people who actually do that. I don't know. I just don't believe you can ever fully understand your life unless you come to the Lord. But that's not what everyone believes, though. And I understand that, but that's what the Bible says, though, and I wholeheartedly believe all of it. I will admit, I don't agree with everything the Old Testament says, ("eye for an eye, rapist should marry victim, lots of incest... o.eee") but even the New Testament clears up some of the Old Testament, through Jesus's teachings, especially in Matthew. Pretty sick stuff in the Old Testament. I believe all of Creation, though. (The incest thing gets cleared up when more people get born, because... I suppose all that stuff happened because there was like, no one on earth yet. And Adam and Eve--NOT MADE RELATED.)
Off topic once again...
Like Melody Carlson, one of my new favorite authors, who, like myself, has her own overuse of topics, her own set of stereotypes due to her overuse of topics, I believe life was not meant to be perfect. Sure, there was the fall of the world. But God gave us free will. And that meant risking His people to become tempted by His enemies, and then choose to sin against him. But He didn't want robots to worship Him. He wanted the people to do so WILLINGLY. He brings us closer through even tragedy, turns evil into good. Nothing is a coincidence. Nothing that happens wasn't meant to happen. When we're made, God already knows whether or not we're going to choose Him over the world by the time we've reached the end of our lives. God knows EVERYTHING.
And so the road bumps in our lives can just shoot us right up to Him. Or, they can make us go bitter and angry and hurt and stay in our miserable life-cycles.
When I think about it, my dad's life has probably fascinated me for so long that it makes me put these sorts of things into my writing, and my reading. When I say "I don't wanna ask troubled people/people who have gone through the terrible stuff I think about too much", I realize after a few moments, my dad's probably been through it all. He really inspires me. He's still not always consistent, but I know he's clinging to the cross, and I know he's truly trying to change. And he's human. It's beautiful.
I love my mom too, and she's a very wise, kind of traditional sometimes, but open woman. My parents are great.
I just hope my brother doesn't go through the culture shock I went through, though I think he's past that now. I think he's already developing those kinds of "worldly" problems, probably influenced by me, my music, my talking on the phone, his little internet games... turning into a full-fledged dork, but he's so smart, funny, but so boy-ish! I just hope he learns to understand what's truly important. My brother and my mom have always had a really close relationship, and my dad and him can always watch TV, comedy shows, play games and stuff together.
This Christmas, I'm really grateful for saving Grace, for my family, and my friends who put up with me all the time.
Love you all! Have a very Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
Sincerely,
Aly
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
More ventish and almost depressing poetry.
I love music right now. Thank God for Jill Pearson, Superchick, and Barlow Girl right now. And my friends.
Anyway, more poems. Can't prose my feelings yet.
God, I feel like I'm losing it a lot right now
I know You're holding onto me
But I'm still slipping, sliding, barely grasping
Too confused
Too perplexed
Too scared
Of not having the people
That hold me up
And that's wrong
You hold me up when I'm falling
But I've been leaning onto them too much
But I flinch at every untrue word
That slips from their lips
And yet I can't let go
And let You change them,
I hold onto to what I try to do.
And I should give it up to you.
I guess I'm codependent.
Or something more,
Or something less?
I don't know myself again
Last time I felt this way
I was falling apart.
I have little seconds where I slip a lot.
Feel that falling apart
Tears can come whenever my mind is tempted
And then they go away.
I act like I'm okay.
I don't even know what's wrong with me, Lord!
Should I?
Are You using this to draw me closer?
Or am I falling somewhere You don't want me to go?
I know You won't forsake me...
I know that I believe You.
That I can't live without You.
But why do those times come? Lord, forgive me for my doubts.
I know You're here.
And "Blessed are the ones who don't see, and yet still believe."
Lord, hold me tighter, when I'm struggling, I'm flailing
Lost, unsure, confused.
Bring me close to You. I know You're here. Please forgive me for my doubts.
I know You love me.
And them too, Lord.
Use me, Your servant, is listening now.
My mind is clear!
Thank You for being here...
Anyway, more poems. Can't prose my feelings yet.
God, I feel like I'm losing it a lot right now
I know You're holding onto me
But I'm still slipping, sliding, barely grasping
Too confused
Too perplexed
Too scared
Of not having the people
That hold me up
And that's wrong
You hold me up when I'm falling
But I've been leaning onto them too much
But I flinch at every untrue word
That slips from their lips
And yet I can't let go
And let You change them,
I hold onto to what I try to do.
And I should give it up to you.
I guess I'm codependent.
Or something more,
Or something less?
I don't know myself again
Last time I felt this way
I was falling apart.
I have little seconds where I slip a lot.
Feel that falling apart
Tears can come whenever my mind is tempted
And then they go away.
I act like I'm okay.
I don't even know what's wrong with me, Lord!
Should I?
Are You using this to draw me closer?
Or am I falling somewhere You don't want me to go?
I know You won't forsake me...
I know that I believe You.
That I can't live without You.
But why do those times come? Lord, forgive me for my doubts.
I know You're here.
And "Blessed are the ones who don't see, and yet still believe."
Lord, hold me tighter, when I'm struggling, I'm flailing
Lost, unsure, confused.
Bring me close to You. I know You're here. Please forgive me for my doubts.
I know You love me.
And them too, Lord.
Use me, Your servant, is listening now.
My mind is clear!
Thank You for being here...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Union of Dark and Light has no place.
I'm gonna write this in poem format. Screw organization and a 'narrow and manageable' subject. It's just easier to write a ridiculously long 'freeverse' sometimes... as you may have noticed I've done... several times before.
----
I don't know how or why
But maybe I do
The lady who threatened suicide
Because her son was an atheist
She was terrible,
Teaching him to sin already!
Saying things no better than her poor son.
Love and nurturing him back
The prodigal
That was what she needed to do
But now I understand
Why she said what she said
Why she thought what she thought.
Lord, Lord forgive me
For ever thinking that way.
You put me here to love and show people your light.
Not fall into the darkness.
The darkness is all around me.
It is just too much.
Last night, it almost seemed worthless.
How could I fight all of this?
How would I last?
When no one truly believes...
Lost faith in people, slowly losing faith...
In You.
I never want to do that.
I never want to be so selfish.
Thinking of my family and friends,
They need me.
No, they need YOU. But,
You might be using me
To bring them to you.
God, forgive me.
If the country falls apart, bless us please.
If I screw up, please forgive me.
If they screw up, may they see Your light and confess.
Despicable thoughts that entered my mind.
Lord, forgive me for them.
Only once had they come before.
And it was only because I thought I was hated.
And none of that was true.
God, You surround me with so much love.
Forgive me for being so selfish.
Forgive me for thinking of murdering this piece of Your creatiion.
It was I, I would hurt, and yet, the others would grieve.
And I would be lost, forever.
And I never want that. Lord, please, please forgive me.
Never.
Lord, I value you. You love me. Lord, I love you.
I love the people you put me with.
I love even the sinners.
I try to discern.
I want to be Yours.
And I want them to be Yours.
Your unfailing love, Your love, Your kindness, compassion.
Your mercy, Your grace.
I need it, they need it.
Lord, You forgive. You are amazing.
To think that the Creator of the earth, the stars, the world, everything
Would take time to listen to me.
Lord, You only let me fall to my knees.
And I praise You. For loving me, even in the worst thought of sin.
Lord, I know You forgive me.
Lord, I trust You.
I know Your will is so much bigger than mine.
The plans for my life, You held, even before my birth.
You will not forsake me.
Forgive me for ever forsaking you.
Lord, I truly give You my life.
I will do as You command me.
Because You are God, You are awesome.
Thank You, Lord.
For saving me.
----
I don't know how or why
But maybe I do
The lady who threatened suicide
Because her son was an atheist
She was terrible,
Teaching him to sin already!
Saying things no better than her poor son.
Love and nurturing him back
The prodigal
That was what she needed to do
But now I understand
Why she said what she said
Why she thought what she thought.
Lord, Lord forgive me
For ever thinking that way.
You put me here to love and show people your light.
Not fall into the darkness.
The darkness is all around me.
It is just too much.
Last night, it almost seemed worthless.
How could I fight all of this?
How would I last?
When no one truly believes...
Lost faith in people, slowly losing faith...
In You.
I never want to do that.
I never want to be so selfish.
Thinking of my family and friends,
They need me.
No, they need YOU. But,
You might be using me
To bring them to you.
God, forgive me.
If the country falls apart, bless us please.
If I screw up, please forgive me.
If they screw up, may they see Your light and confess.
Despicable thoughts that entered my mind.
Lord, forgive me for them.
Only once had they come before.
And it was only because I thought I was hated.
And none of that was true.
God, You surround me with so much love.
Forgive me for being so selfish.
Forgive me for thinking of murdering this piece of Your creatiion.
It was I, I would hurt, and yet, the others would grieve.
And I would be lost, forever.
And I never want that. Lord, please, please forgive me.
Never.
Lord, I value you. You love me. Lord, I love you.
I love the people you put me with.
I love even the sinners.
I try to discern.
I want to be Yours.
And I want them to be Yours.
Your unfailing love, Your love, Your kindness, compassion.
Your mercy, Your grace.
I need it, they need it.
Lord, You forgive. You are amazing.
To think that the Creator of the earth, the stars, the world, everything
Would take time to listen to me.
Lord, You only let me fall to my knees.
And I praise You. For loving me, even in the worst thought of sin.
Lord, I know You forgive me.
Lord, I trust You.
I know Your will is so much bigger than mine.
The plans for my life, You held, even before my birth.
You will not forsake me.
Forgive me for ever forsaking you.
Lord, I truly give You my life.
I will do as You command me.
Because You are God, You are awesome.
Thank You, Lord.
For saving me.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
*dusts off blog* I'M SORRY, PEOPLEZ! ILY STILL!
I'm sorry... D: *hugglefies everyone* I've been severely neglecting this blog and that's very unkind of me.
I'm very sorry. *sniff*
Well... let's see... life.
Umm... face-value, life's been... interesting. Last week, I logged onto the computer, and found out that someone online died. And I was really, extremely depressed about that. And then I found out, the next day, that they were alive. But they had almost died... from their throat bleeding, and they almost drowned from their own blood. *eyetwitch*
I was slightly relieved, but still worried about them. They talked to me though. They had recently been released from the hospital.
The week before, I'd had Leanne and Ella over, and we hung out. Leanne and I acted muffinleh (AS A JOKE), and Ella was all like "I don't swing that way!" Yeah, we have issues whenever we get together. Lea and I stayed up really late speak-RPing with our characters for our OC spoof with all of our characters. Yeah. It used to be humorous, but, it got slightly serious. Still is. It fluctuates. (And Lea and I are the comic relief characters... lately, all we've been doing is eating popcorn and drinking suicides [the drink you make when you put all the sodas from the little resturant soda machine thingeh in a cup]) Yeah. You wouldn't understand... *sigh*
Halloween, I went over to my friend's house, and we hung out and talked and ate caramel apples and pizza and apple cider/Mountain Dew and discussed political issues, American presidential candidates, and stuffs with her mommeh! ^^' Which, I'm actually interested in and very passionate about sometimes. Mostly abortion... *sigh* *isprolife*
Most of you guys knew that though... *sigh*
This, depresses me.
4,000 babies a day get murdered.
^That's just for the US.
Anyway, I'm going to write a poem for the rest of this...
Reaching out to the distant problems
That I have no control over
Lord, I try to let go
I pray, and then I take it back
I pray for my friends
Then try not to think...
Every 'real conversation' about problems
Statistics
People who are near me
Grow farther away
As I think of their issues
Rather than them
As a person.
Sixth grade may have been heck
But I'd rather be depressed and sensitive and emotional
Than obssessed with issues so corrupt and sad over things I can't touch
And cold.
I'd rather give all of my energy to everyone else
Than selfish
"How does this affect me?"
Is not the question I want to ask.
How can do this for the kingdom of God?
God first
He wants my passion to be for others
He wants me to be compassionate toward others
He wants me to be warm
Not distant, cold
Not too concerned with things He'll take care of.
If the world is ending, I can't change that
Revelations says we win.
I don't need to worry
I can still think
Of the world's problems
I can still debate
But I can't save the world
All I can do is try to touch the lives around me
With Jesus Christ's love.
Loving, compassionate, understanding
While yet speaking the truth.
If someone else rejects it, I can't take it personally.
"Dust off your shoes, and walk away."
It's not my job
To change them.
I just have to say.
And I have to pause.
Let God do his work.
I still want wings,
Rather than roots
That keep me on the ground.
I don't want to be judgemental.
I want to show love and light,
The way God made us too.
Speak the truth.
Know it, believe it, accept it.
That is all I need to do.
Love, show kindness, compassion, empathy.
Show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness
Gentleness
And self-control.
That's all I need to do.
Love you guys. :] Talk to ya'll later. God Bless!
~Aly
I'm very sorry. *sniff*
Well... let's see... life.
Umm... face-value, life's been... interesting. Last week, I logged onto the computer, and found out that someone online died. And I was really, extremely depressed about that. And then I found out, the next day, that they were alive. But they had almost died... from their throat bleeding, and they almost drowned from their own blood. *eyetwitch*
I was slightly relieved, but still worried about them. They talked to me though. They had recently been released from the hospital.
The week before, I'd had Leanne and Ella over, and we hung out. Leanne and I acted muffinleh (AS A JOKE), and Ella was all like "I don't swing that way!" Yeah, we have issues whenever we get together. Lea and I stayed up really late speak-RPing with our characters for our OC spoof with all of our characters. Yeah. It used to be humorous, but, it got slightly serious. Still is. It fluctuates. (And Lea and I are the comic relief characters... lately, all we've been doing is eating popcorn and drinking suicides [the drink you make when you put all the sodas from the little resturant soda machine thingeh in a cup]) Yeah. You wouldn't understand... *sigh*
Halloween, I went over to my friend's house, and we hung out and talked and ate caramel apples and pizza and apple cider/Mountain Dew and discussed political issues, American presidential candidates, and stuffs with her mommeh! ^^' Which, I'm actually interested in and very passionate about sometimes. Mostly abortion... *sigh* *isprolife*
Most of you guys knew that though... *sigh*
This, depresses me.
4,000 babies a day get murdered.
^That's just for the US.
Anyway, I'm going to write a poem for the rest of this...
Reaching out to the distant problems
That I have no control over
Lord, I try to let go
I pray, and then I take it back
I pray for my friends
Then try not to think...
Every 'real conversation' about problems
Statistics
People who are near me
Grow farther away
As I think of their issues
Rather than them
As a person.
Sixth grade may have been heck
But I'd rather be depressed and sensitive and emotional
Than obssessed with issues so corrupt and sad over things I can't touch
And cold.
I'd rather give all of my energy to everyone else
Than selfish
"How does this affect me?"
Is not the question I want to ask.
How can do this for the kingdom of God?
God first
He wants my passion to be for others
He wants me to be compassionate toward others
He wants me to be warm
Not distant, cold
Not too concerned with things He'll take care of.
If the world is ending, I can't change that
Revelations says we win.
I don't need to worry
I can still think
Of the world's problems
I can still debate
But I can't save the world
All I can do is try to touch the lives around me
With Jesus Christ's love.
Loving, compassionate, understanding
While yet speaking the truth.
If someone else rejects it, I can't take it personally.
"Dust off your shoes, and walk away."
It's not my job
To change them.
I just have to say.
And I have to pause.
Let God do his work.
I still want wings,
Rather than roots
That keep me on the ground.
I don't want to be judgemental.
I want to show love and light,
The way God made us too.
Speak the truth.
Know it, believe it, accept it.
That is all I need to do.
Love, show kindness, compassion, empathy.
Show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness
Gentleness
And self-control.
That's all I need to do.
Love you guys. :] Talk to ya'll later. God Bless!
~Aly
Friday, October 10, 2008
Questions to Various Guys I Know/Wish I still Knew
Questions to Various Guys I Know/Wish I still Knew
How come we used to be able to talk to each other?
How come I've become so confused?
About you and the rest of your kind?
Maybe I've read a book about a guy's brain...
But I guess I've gotta figure part of you people out myself
I really want to know someone
How come I screw up so much when I'm with you?
And a few other people?
Dear first real boyfriend,
Were you really just stressed out, when
You told me you wanted to break up?
And what did you mean?
By wanting to keep kissing me?
What did that other girl hold against you?
Do you really not mind the many questions I ask you?
I'm sorry
If some of my intentions
Were not genuine care at times
And for the things that I did
That you didn't know
It killed me
Just to hear you say
"Maybe you could go with that other guy you were talking about now..."
It killed me.
I want to hear your voice again
So find your dang phone.
I miss you
I wanna be friends.
Thank you for your emails.
I still think about you
At least on a 3-day-a-week basis.
Lately, it's been more...
I don't know why.
Dear guy I currently have a crush on,
I like you now
So do a billion other girls
If we went to a different school, maybe it wouldn't be the same.
But it doesn't matter.
Because we go to this one.
I've known you for so long, yet
You've gone after all these other girls.
Tell me, are you really as cocky as you put yourself out to be?
Who are you?
I apologize for some of these questions, if it insults you...
I know you're more than that, at least on the inside.
I wanna be able to talk to you again, just normal.
No emo comments, no dumb insults.
Just talking.
I'm sorry for acting like an idiot with you a lot
And most likely embarassing you in front of your friends.
I know it's not the greatest thing...
If I could, which I probably won't,
I'd tell you I liked you.
It probably wouldn't work out, especially now
But either way, I hope you find someone who you can stick with that makes you happy.
This goes for all the good guys I know.
And you're one of them, if you would only act more like it.
Don't forget about what God wants your life to be like.
Who you're trying to represent
Don't let peer pressure pressure you into being something you're not
Especially someone who isn't right.
Dear former best guy friend and ex,
Don't you hate those words, because I know I do.
I sound to young to have ex-boyfriends, ex-anythings
I miss you.
I miss us, and by that, I mean just friendship
Anything that isn't fighting
Anything that's nice or innocent
Or not so innocent, but still unable to be cruel
No bitterness
No anger
Nothing.
Just... talking.
Laughing
Joking
Passing notebooks in Target class
I have no classes with you so far
But I still miss you
I don't ask you if you hate me anymore
I realize that you probably don't.
It's just me who thinks that.
Do you feel unattracted to unconfident girls?
There are a heck of a lot of them...
Thanks for sort of trying to make me feel better that one time I talked to you about that...
Just remembered.
I miss it.
Miss it all.
Except for the fighting.
And when I ruined one of your relationships.
I hope you aren't doing to her again...
Just make sure
Whatever relationships you get into
Go well
Care, care, care,
Be kind.
Be understanding.
Don't be stupid.
And try to be Godly, if possible, my friend.
I wish I could really just... talk, to you, again.
It's been so long...
Since we could even hold a conversation.
I'm sorry for hurting you so many times...
You have valid reasons for not wanting to talk me then, I guess.
But I still miss you.
Talk to me again sometime, please...
---
done.
How come we used to be able to talk to each other?
How come I've become so confused?
About you and the rest of your kind?
Maybe I've read a book about a guy's brain...
But I guess I've gotta figure part of you people out myself
I really want to know someone
How come I screw up so much when I'm with you?
And a few other people?
Dear first real boyfriend,
Were you really just stressed out, when
You told me you wanted to break up?
And what did you mean?
By wanting to keep kissing me?
What did that other girl hold against you?
Do you really not mind the many questions I ask you?
I'm sorry
If some of my intentions
Were not genuine care at times
And for the things that I did
That you didn't know
It killed me
Just to hear you say
"Maybe you could go with that other guy you were talking about now..."
It killed me.
I want to hear your voice again
So find your dang phone.
I miss you
I wanna be friends.
Thank you for your emails.
I still think about you
At least on a 3-day-a-week basis.
Lately, it's been more...
I don't know why.
Dear guy I currently have a crush on,
I like you now
So do a billion other girls
If we went to a different school, maybe it wouldn't be the same.
But it doesn't matter.
Because we go to this one.
I've known you for so long, yet
You've gone after all these other girls.
Tell me, are you really as cocky as you put yourself out to be?
Who are you?
I apologize for some of these questions, if it insults you...
I know you're more than that, at least on the inside.
I wanna be able to talk to you again, just normal.
No emo comments, no dumb insults.
Just talking.
I'm sorry for acting like an idiot with you a lot
And most likely embarassing you in front of your friends.
I know it's not the greatest thing...
If I could, which I probably won't,
I'd tell you I liked you.
It probably wouldn't work out, especially now
But either way, I hope you find someone who you can stick with that makes you happy.
This goes for all the good guys I know.
And you're one of them, if you would only act more like it.
Don't forget about what God wants your life to be like.
Who you're trying to represent
Don't let peer pressure pressure you into being something you're not
Especially someone who isn't right.
Dear former best guy friend and ex,
Don't you hate those words, because I know I do.
I sound to young to have ex-boyfriends, ex-anythings
I miss you.
I miss us, and by that, I mean just friendship
Anything that isn't fighting
Anything that's nice or innocent
Or not so innocent, but still unable to be cruel
No bitterness
No anger
Nothing.
Just... talking.
Laughing
Joking
Passing notebooks in Target class
I have no classes with you so far
But I still miss you
I don't ask you if you hate me anymore
I realize that you probably don't.
It's just me who thinks that.
Do you feel unattracted to unconfident girls?
There are a heck of a lot of them...
Thanks for sort of trying to make me feel better that one time I talked to you about that...
Just remembered.
I miss it.
Miss it all.
Except for the fighting.
And when I ruined one of your relationships.
I hope you aren't doing to her again...
Just make sure
Whatever relationships you get into
Go well
Care, care, care,
Be kind.
Be understanding.
Don't be stupid.
And try to be Godly, if possible, my friend.
I wish I could really just... talk, to you, again.
It's been so long...
Since we could even hold a conversation.
I'm sorry for hurting you so many times...
You have valid reasons for not wanting to talk me then, I guess.
But I still miss you.
Talk to me again sometime, please...
---
done.
Ventrantlikeitemthingsortof
I am eating. Too much. Today. *headdesk* And it's concious. And I'm not hungry. o.eeee
I'm gonna get all like, obese. o.eeee *sigh* Oh well.
Another case of Sixth Grade Emo.
It's made of suck.
And, I'm gonna rant...
WARNING: I'm not sure what's gonna be in here, but there's a possibility of pathetical self-pity, and you probably don't wanna hear me whine. Yah. If not, go ahead and keep reading... oh well, whatever. *headdesk*
Okay, maybe I'll rant... I think I just got it out (if that print actually turns out bold.) Either way, you guys have no idea what I'm talking about, but neither do I, sooo...
And I asked my mom to buy me coffee from McDonald's. I suck. *headdesk* *emo*
I've been praying, yet again, but I haven't been letting go of what I've let off as burdens to him. It's pretty hard sometimes. A few years back, I had serious guilt issues, and 100% no self-esteem. o.e Remind me not to reread my diary.
Remember that whole 'self-analysis' thing? I might be doing that to me now... I guess it's kinda dumb. I dunno. I realize now, that God made me, a unique creation, an individual, beautiful, loved forever, able to be forgiven for my sins.
I'm really glad about that. It's quite a leap from about two years ago. Either way, I've been having issues lately. I don't know why. It could be PMS, but I doubt it. I haven't had this kind of reaction to much since sixth grade...
I've become quite bitter lately, I guess. Just... really... bitter. :-/ No one wants to talk to a bitter person. Just really bitter toward the world. Which is pretty much what we're NOT supposed to do, as written in the Bible. You know, God forgives us. So we should be forgiving. But none of my FRIENDS in particular, have really wronged me personally lately... I don't know. I don't feel very forgiving of society's negative influence or the distorted world view ('society-based schizophrenia'). There's just so much sin in our world...
Well, I guess I'm more depressed about it, rather than bitter. But it comes out that way. Maybe. I dunno.
Found some abortion statitistics Thursday night. Not happy. It was very depressing. I DID, however, find a pretty inspiring person...
http://www.dianedew.com/aborindx.htm
Diane Dew, who wrote a bunch of those articles, and all that... she sound pretty cool to me.
Today, I finished "For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think" by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. It was really, really interesting. I learned about guys from it...
http://www.foryoungwomenonly.com/BooksStudies/ForYoungWomenOnly/tabid/140/Default.aspx
^teh site.
Anyway, I've also found myself thinking about my former romantic relationships with guys, as well as my crush... and that book also made me rethink the stuff I've said to guys. :-/
Sucks.
I still like the guy I like, but it's sad, because my friend at school, I can tell, most likely still likes him, but probably, like me, just thinks that he's absolutely unattainable. Too many girls like him, that's all I know. I almost would feel wrong, if he EVER would consider go out with me, if he liked me, above all the others... but, kinda honored-ish, I guess then. I don't know... What the book said, "Ego= still has lots of insecurities". But it also said on their survey, that guys feel the most secure in their abilities/overly secure at times, when they're younger... so, I dunno. Maybe he still thinks at the top of the world. xP Maybe I picked a bad choice for a crush... oh well.
My melancholy mood may also be due to the crush. I dunno. I haven't been romantic with anyone for what seems like a while... But, I don't wanna get superuberboycrazy. That would suck worse. I don't wanna be desperate/dependant/obsessive (meh, obsessive's always been a problem with... well, pretty much everything...)
I dunno. Today Sam #1 was wearing a rather attractive outfit. (like, he had on this black sweatshirt, and this really cool grey t-shirt with this cool-looking letters-stuffs on it, and really hot looking black sweatpants... yah... ) I'm screwed, because anything that involves black, on a guy, makes them look hotter to me. o.e And most of the guys I find attractive have bangs... actually, all of them do... I've become rather vain, which is, really, really dumb. But, when it truly comes to dating, I don't really care how they look. S'long as they like me, I like them, they know my boundaries, and they treat me right, I treat them right, he cares, I care, yada yada yada... You know. *headdesk*
None of which, is going to happen with Sam #1, because... I dunno. He seems too cocky to me right now. But I know, I KNOW, for a fact, that he isn't entirely secure (and it's not just because of the book!). We were actually friends, really, friends, last year. He talked to me. And we didn't have to retort to each other every few seconds, even if it is jokingly/not. I know he noticed me staring at him about 5 times today... *headdesk*
You see, if we 'insulted' each other, it would be jokingly... now, sometimes it's not... maybe. I dunno. He said he deleted my message on Facebook without even reading it. *headdesk* Oh well, screw that. He talks to me sometimes, if he's not around everyone else...
And I understand. I'm not always the best around my crushes. I know I get waaaay too in their face sometimes (fifth grade=1st crush= DISASTER; yet another story to be told), and I'm not the 'normal-est' person ever. I dunno.
I just wish he would talk to me.
I've been losing touch with guys a lot lately...
Well, at least any guy that was/is a friend. Before. You know, it's really sad. Jared and I, when I try to talk to him on gmail, I ask the same things, like I used to with Mark right after we'd broken up, and I was trying to be friends with him. So, I asked him how he was, and he said fine, school's fine, i'm fine, etc... Yeah.
Then he started ranting about how my younger brother was an a*hole, because of something that happened at Homecoming. I tried to confront my bro about this now, because I remembered one of J's friends talking to me about how my brother was swearing at Jared during homecoming... so, I made him apologize, and I typed it. And Jared was still PO'd. Or worse. I guess I said some... meh, but sort of maybe kinda justified stuff about he was being just as immature, acting like a ten-year-old, swearing just as much... yeah. :-/ xP Though, I will admit, the comment about David learning the swearing from him was wrong...-ish... okay, it was. It was mean.
And you know what?
It felt familiar, I was used to it, I almost welcomed it, us fighting over g-chat like that. It was comfortable. Because it had happened before. And a lot of fighting went on over my brother, even when we had been dating... I dunno, for some reason, David and Jared hate each other. o.e
Either way, it was wrong.
I miss being able to talk to guys. But I now realize, more than ever, how much I've screwed up with them, and made it impossible for them to ever talk to me earnestly and honestly again... well, some guys, I guess...
And hear I go again, screwing up. *isongchatwithJared*
The odd thing is, the only non-awkward friendship/relationship/acquaintenceship (sp? super sp.) that isn't bad at the moment that was an ex, is the one with Mark and I. We're actually doing pretty good. We're replying emails, as soon as we notice them, and I guess that's good...
*headdesk*
There must be something else going on with Jared.
I'm gonna stop before I say too much.
Love you guys. :)
God Bless.
~Aly/Kim/Alyce...
I'm gonna get all like, obese. o.eeee *sigh* Oh well.
Another case of Sixth Grade Emo.
It's made of suck.
And, I'm gonna rant...
WARNING: I'm not sure what's gonna be in here, but there's a possibility of pathetical self-pity, and you probably don't wanna hear me whine. Yah. If not, go ahead and keep reading... oh well, whatever. *headdesk*
Okay, maybe I'll rant... I think I just got it out (if that print actually turns out bold.) Either way, you guys have no idea what I'm talking about, but neither do I, sooo...
And I asked my mom to buy me coffee from McDonald's. I suck. *headdesk* *emo*
I've been praying, yet again, but I haven't been letting go of what I've let off as burdens to him. It's pretty hard sometimes. A few years back, I had serious guilt issues, and 100% no self-esteem. o.e Remind me not to reread my diary.
Remember that whole 'self-analysis' thing? I might be doing that to me now... I guess it's kinda dumb. I dunno. I realize now, that God made me, a unique creation, an individual, beautiful, loved forever, able to be forgiven for my sins.
I'm really glad about that. It's quite a leap from about two years ago. Either way, I've been having issues lately. I don't know why. It could be PMS, but I doubt it. I haven't had this kind of reaction to much since sixth grade...
I've become quite bitter lately, I guess. Just... really... bitter. :-/ No one wants to talk to a bitter person. Just really bitter toward the world. Which is pretty much what we're NOT supposed to do, as written in the Bible. You know, God forgives us. So we should be forgiving. But none of my FRIENDS in particular, have really wronged me personally lately... I don't know. I don't feel very forgiving of society's negative influence or the distorted world view ('society-based schizophrenia'). There's just so much sin in our world...
Well, I guess I'm more depressed about it, rather than bitter. But it comes out that way. Maybe. I dunno.
Found some abortion statitistics Thursday night. Not happy. It was very depressing. I DID, however, find a pretty inspiring person...
http://www.dianedew.com/aborindx.htm
Diane Dew, who wrote a bunch of those articles, and all that... she sound pretty cool to me.
Today, I finished "For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think" by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. It was really, really interesting. I learned about guys from it...
http://www.foryoungwomenonly.com/BooksStudies/ForYoungWomenOnly/tabid/140/Default.aspx
^teh site.
Anyway, I've also found myself thinking about my former romantic relationships with guys, as well as my crush... and that book also made me rethink the stuff I've said to guys. :-/
Sucks.
I still like the guy I like, but it's sad, because my friend at school, I can tell, most likely still likes him, but probably, like me, just thinks that he's absolutely unattainable. Too many girls like him, that's all I know. I almost would feel wrong, if he EVER would consider go out with me, if he liked me, above all the others... but, kinda honored-ish, I guess then. I don't know... What the book said, "Ego= still has lots of insecurities". But it also said on their survey, that guys feel the most secure in their abilities/overly secure at times, when they're younger... so, I dunno. Maybe he still thinks at the top of the world. xP Maybe I picked a bad choice for a crush... oh well.
My melancholy mood may also be due to the crush. I dunno. I haven't been romantic with anyone for what seems like a while... But, I don't wanna get superuberboycrazy. That would suck worse. I don't wanna be desperate/dependant/obsessive (meh, obsessive's always been a problem with... well, pretty much everything...)
I dunno. Today Sam #1 was wearing a rather attractive outfit. (like, he had on this black sweatshirt, and this really cool grey t-shirt with this cool-looking letters-stuffs on it, and really hot looking black sweatpants... yah... ) I'm screwed, because anything that involves black, on a guy, makes them look hotter to me. o.e And most of the guys I find attractive have bangs... actually, all of them do... I've become rather vain, which is, really, really dumb. But, when it truly comes to dating, I don't really care how they look. S'long as they like me, I like them, they know my boundaries, and they treat me right, I treat them right, he cares, I care, yada yada yada... You know. *headdesk*
None of which, is going to happen with Sam #1, because... I dunno. He seems too cocky to me right now. But I know, I KNOW, for a fact, that he isn't entirely secure (and it's not just because of the book!). We were actually friends, really, friends, last year. He talked to me. And we didn't have to retort to each other every few seconds, even if it is jokingly/not. I know he noticed me staring at him about 5 times today... *headdesk*
You see, if we 'insulted' each other, it would be jokingly... now, sometimes it's not... maybe. I dunno. He said he deleted my message on Facebook without even reading it. *headdesk* Oh well, screw that. He talks to me sometimes, if he's not around everyone else...
And I understand. I'm not always the best around my crushes. I know I get waaaay too in their face sometimes (fifth grade=1st crush= DISASTER; yet another story to be told), and I'm not the 'normal-est' person ever. I dunno.
I just wish he would talk to me.
I've been losing touch with guys a lot lately...
Well, at least any guy that was/is a friend. Before. You know, it's really sad. Jared and I, when I try to talk to him on gmail, I ask the same things, like I used to with Mark right after we'd broken up, and I was trying to be friends with him. So, I asked him how he was, and he said fine, school's fine, i'm fine, etc... Yeah.
Then he started ranting about how my younger brother was an a*hole, because of something that happened at Homecoming. I tried to confront my bro about this now, because I remembered one of J's friends talking to me about how my brother was swearing at Jared during homecoming... so, I made him apologize, and I typed it. And Jared was still PO'd. Or worse. I guess I said some... meh, but sort of maybe kinda justified stuff about he was being just as immature, acting like a ten-year-old, swearing just as much... yeah. :-/ xP Though, I will admit, the comment about David learning the swearing from him was wrong...-ish... okay, it was. It was mean.
And you know what?
It felt familiar, I was used to it, I almost welcomed it, us fighting over g-chat like that. It was comfortable. Because it had happened before. And a lot of fighting went on over my brother, even when we had been dating... I dunno, for some reason, David and Jared hate each other. o.e
Either way, it was wrong.
I miss being able to talk to guys. But I now realize, more than ever, how much I've screwed up with them, and made it impossible for them to ever talk to me earnestly and honestly again... well, some guys, I guess...
And hear I go again, screwing up. *isongchatwithJared*
The odd thing is, the only non-awkward friendship/relationship/acquaintenceship (sp? super sp.) that isn't bad at the moment that was an ex, is the one with Mark and I. We're actually doing pretty good. We're replying emails, as soon as we notice them, and I guess that's good...
*headdesk*
There must be something else going on with Jared.
I'm gonna stop before I say too much.
Love you guys. :)
God Bless.
~Aly/Kim/Alyce...
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Rant about Sat., Sun., and Mon.
I'm sorry for being neglective again... I really do <3 you guys. :-/ I shall update on... well, today, at least.
Anyway, Leanne is PO'd at me for putting Lex on our friends' list on our shared MySpace. (I know, isn't it terrible? We have one... D:) I wanted to know more about him. I sorta understand Ella a little more about him, but... :-/ He doesn't always sound like the most wonderful guy out there.
But a girl from my church, erm... Renee (yey coming up with codenames on the spot) is one of his friends, apparently. She was commenting. O: I wonder if my other JA friends know her... (JA= the school Leanne, Ella, Lex, Brenden [various peeps on Leanne's blog], Alicia, etc... go to. ^^' )
Anyvayz, not too much, and a lot of stuff, has happened lately.
Leanne and I hung out with one of my other friends this weekend. 8) Leanne dressed up like an emo kid, my other friend like a goth gangsta, and I dressed up like a hippie... and we walked around my small and loveleh town. o.o
It was... interesting. B-)
Gosh, it had been a while since I'd worn that skirt... heheh.
Anyway, it was pretty cool.
And then the next day, after church, I hung out with Macy at her house, and we went to the mall, and I bought my fantabulous purple hair mascara and electric blue sheer fabric-sewed-over-mesh fingerless gloves with a thumb hole.
(The only person who made an emo/cutting comment was Sam #1 when I wore them today at school. Not unexpected, however. Everyone else, surprisingly, complimented me on them. Including the guys. 8))
Anyvayz...
Yeah. We put on hair mascara in the mall bathrooms and I put on my gloves and yah. It was highly enjoyable.
After our message in youth group, my friends and I (Leanne included) did some random, loud, and fun stuffs in one of the classrooms. B-) This included: drawing and writing obnoxiously on the board, giving piggy back rides to each other, spinning, yelling, singing, etc... picking up the pool balls of the floor, because the little pocket-y things don't hold them well... I think Macy was playing Rock Band then, cuz she didn't follow us. Lol. Anyvayz...
*importantness now!*
Then we went to youth group. Our lesson stuffs for right now is about the different names of God, and how they represent him. This week, we learned about Jehovah. Jehovah was such a special name to the Hebrews, that they would sparingly use it, even in the writing of the Bible. It represents God's holiness, and justice of consquence toward sin, and yet the love that he has for us. Pretty awesome message. :)
*sigh*
Overall, good weekend. :)
Anyway, Leanne is PO'd at me for putting Lex on our friends' list on our shared MySpace. (I know, isn't it terrible? We have one... D:) I wanted to know more about him. I sorta understand Ella a little more about him, but... :-/ He doesn't always sound like the most wonderful guy out there.
But a girl from my church, erm... Renee (yey coming up with codenames on the spot) is one of his friends, apparently. She was commenting. O: I wonder if my other JA friends know her... (JA= the school Leanne, Ella, Lex, Brenden [various peeps on Leanne's blog], Alicia, etc... go to. ^^' )
Anyvayz, not too much, and a lot of stuff, has happened lately.
Leanne and I hung out with one of my other friends this weekend. 8) Leanne dressed up like an emo kid, my other friend like a goth gangsta, and I dressed up like a hippie... and we walked around my small and loveleh town. o.o
It was... interesting. B-)
Gosh, it had been a while since I'd worn that skirt... heheh.
Anyway, it was pretty cool.
And then the next day, after church, I hung out with Macy at her house, and we went to the mall, and I bought my fantabulous purple hair mascara and electric blue sheer fabric-sewed-over-mesh fingerless gloves with a thumb hole.
(The only person who made an emo/cutting comment was Sam #1 when I wore them today at school. Not unexpected, however. Everyone else, surprisingly, complimented me on them. Including the guys. 8))
Anyvayz...
Yeah. We put on hair mascara in the mall bathrooms and I put on my gloves and yah. It was highly enjoyable.
After our message in youth group, my friends and I (Leanne included) did some random, loud, and fun stuffs in one of the classrooms. B-) This included: drawing and writing obnoxiously on the board, giving piggy back rides to each other, spinning, yelling, singing, etc... picking up the pool balls of the floor, because the little pocket-y things don't hold them well... I think Macy was playing Rock Band then, cuz she didn't follow us. Lol. Anyvayz...
*importantness now!*
Then we went to youth group. Our lesson stuffs for right now is about the different names of God, and how they represent him. This week, we learned about Jehovah. Jehovah was such a special name to the Hebrews, that they would sparingly use it, even in the writing of the Bible. It represents God's holiness, and justice of consquence toward sin, and yet the love that he has for us. Pretty awesome message. :)
*sigh*
Overall, good weekend. :)
Monday, September 29, 2008
A series of ridiculously long poetry/let-out-emotional-stuffs-poems
Mood rings would go insane
Emotions, do they change?
Remembering bad times
Like sixth grade
An absorbent sponge of emotional OCD
Obssessive kid with wants for emo
Scarred by what seemed like rejection
Over an obssessive, stalker-like crush
A year before
Oh, self-pity has no benefits
Misery has no joy
You never wanna feel like that
It's pointless, a waste of time
So why spend a while thinking it over?
Mulling it over
On your mind?
Wondering how and why...
Why not drop the past and run?
When do the 'psychological anylasis' techniques run dry?
Why not face the future, keep on moving
Then make everything behind you seem like blood and dust?
Tears, tears, cried
7 seconds that the devil almost took my mind
I ran downstairs and picked up my Day-By-Day Children's Bible
The girl knew to read the Bible with a purpose
The verse she found out of a random opening
It was about loving others, serving others
And the treasures in Heavan she would receive
Oh gosh, she knew
She wouldn't waste her time with selfishness like that
But mulling it over, over a year
Keeping it silent
Away from the parents
Talked to the guidance counselor everyday after lunch
By choice of course, the only person she knew who would do that
Read the stories in the Chicken Soup books over and over
Teen and Girl's editions
Cutting and anorexia and bullimia they recovered from
Diary entries of self-deprecating words
Superheaddesk to her now
Why is she thinking of it all again?!
No, no, she won't let it return
Her friends need her help most
Her own problems shouldn't even resurface
Shouldn't even HAVE a surface
What is the purpose of this poem?
Of this blog?
Self-pity, is it again? Someone else's attention?
Why doubt herself like this?
ARGH, she doesn't want the attention...
The shrink shouldn't have problems
Now, she knows she should turn to the Lord
She needs to keep on praying, and not to listen to the lies
She needs to stop her doubting, and not give into those lies!
Society says otherwise, everywhere she turns!
Online debates tell her no and no and no, and the people
Why do they all not believe in Truth?
Love is supposed to go to everyone
"Love the person, not the sin."
And that is what she tries to do
Strives to do
"Speak the Truth, no matter what."
And that's what she strives to do
But the frustration is eating at her again
And the lies are so much easier
Sinful heart wants its ways to be satisfied
But she can't let it happen
She cries out again and again to the Lord
And He's there
The verse they tell her again and again
The one He speaks to her
"Be still and know that I am God."
Be still, be still, be still...
Brain works on overtime
Hearts are confused
Exchange worry for prayer
Give it up, and don't hold onto what you were supposed to let go
Lay your burdens on Him.
But why does she hold on again and again?!
Time to blast Flyleaf
"You are the Truth,
Outscreaming these lies
You are the Truth
Saving my life"
Put your burdens on Him... like the skit in Sunday school class...
No, no more of these thoughts
Let it all go to Him.
---
Ahem. Second poem thing now. (a series of smaller poems associated into one... big poem-thing...)
-----------
Painfully listening to them speak
About their lives
And then they won't speak
When you think they need it
Seperate patient from friend
They need a listening ear
She's probably busy
Does she need to talk?
I'm not entirely sure.
And then another
Struggling, so much, internally
Not knowing the Truth spiritually
All I can do is keep on praying.
If I'm supposed to speak the Truth,
100% of the time...
I should stop being so intimidated?
Is that the word?
Don't let her own thoughts matter
In telling her what is True.
Do not hesitate to say The Bible is all facts.
Do not hesitate.
Let the Holy Spirit speak to her, like they've all told you is right.
If she does not accept, let it go...
It's all their choice...
You can't change a person's mind.
Don't ever bring up that topic again
In that room.
You saw her flinch when you said the word, mentioned the 'sucky' debate
You and your other friend did online.
Don't ever say that word again.
Even though you didn't mention it directly
Even though it was about those you felt unjust bitterness toward
Due to their bashing of the Truth, of the Bible, of God Himself,
Though you spoke your words because they wouldn't face it in that debate
Don't mention abortion again.
Don't say the word around her.
Is that wrong, to think this way?
To not want to remind of her the pain?
Don't ever say that word again, not around her?
Change your opinions?
Should you?
No... a human life, is a life,
But...
Just don't say it again...
Soft-spoken, shy, desperate?
What does she want in her life?
Self-esteem issues...
But is she a little selfISH?
Who am I to think that way?
When I can be the same...
She quit going to her youth group...
I should've tried to talk to her more about that...
Rather than let myself brush the subject,
To listen to the rest of her crush-story...
Right as she needed to hang up.
-------------
Endy Poem-thing-maybe?
(references 'The Shrink' poem)
Yes, the shrink really sucks at her 'job'
A lot
Not only sometimes
Speak up, she needs to
But sometimes she talks too much...
Balance, she's tried to learn
And she's still got a ways to go
But she plans to keep on going
Keep on praying
Keep on loving
Because that's what she's here for.
--------------------------------------
*breathes*
That feels much better. I love you guys. :) God Bless. :)
Emotions, do they change?
Remembering bad times
Like sixth grade
An absorbent sponge of emotional OCD
Obssessive kid with wants for emo
Scarred by what seemed like rejection
Over an obssessive, stalker-like crush
A year before
Oh, self-pity has no benefits
Misery has no joy
You never wanna feel like that
It's pointless, a waste of time
So why spend a while thinking it over?
Mulling it over
On your mind?
Wondering how and why...
Why not drop the past and run?
When do the 'psychological anylasis' techniques run dry?
Why not face the future, keep on moving
Then make everything behind you seem like blood and dust?
Tears, tears, cried
7 seconds that the devil almost took my mind
I ran downstairs and picked up my Day-By-Day Children's Bible
The girl knew to read the Bible with a purpose
The verse she found out of a random opening
It was about loving others, serving others
And the treasures in Heavan she would receive
Oh gosh, she knew
She wouldn't waste her time with selfishness like that
But mulling it over, over a year
Keeping it silent
Away from the parents
Talked to the guidance counselor everyday after lunch
By choice of course, the only person she knew who would do that
Read the stories in the Chicken Soup books over and over
Teen and Girl's editions
Cutting and anorexia and bullimia they recovered from
Diary entries of self-deprecating words
Superheaddesk to her now
Why is she thinking of it all again?!
No, no, she won't let it return
Her friends need her help most
Her own problems shouldn't even resurface
Shouldn't even HAVE a surface
What is the purpose of this poem?
Of this blog?
Self-pity, is it again? Someone else's attention?
Why doubt herself like this?
ARGH, she doesn't want the attention...
The shrink shouldn't have problems
Now, she knows she should turn to the Lord
She needs to keep on praying, and not to listen to the lies
She needs to stop her doubting, and not give into those lies!
Society says otherwise, everywhere she turns!
Online debates tell her no and no and no, and the people
Why do they all not believe in Truth?
Love is supposed to go to everyone
"Love the person, not the sin."
And that is what she tries to do
Strives to do
"Speak the Truth, no matter what."
And that's what she strives to do
But the frustration is eating at her again
And the lies are so much easier
Sinful heart wants its ways to be satisfied
But she can't let it happen
She cries out again and again to the Lord
And He's there
The verse they tell her again and again
The one He speaks to her
"Be still and know that I am God."
Be still, be still, be still...
Brain works on overtime
Hearts are confused
Exchange worry for prayer
Give it up, and don't hold onto what you were supposed to let go
Lay your burdens on Him.
But why does she hold on again and again?!
Time to blast Flyleaf
"You are the Truth,
Outscreaming these lies
You are the Truth
Saving my life"
Put your burdens on Him... like the skit in Sunday school class...
No, no more of these thoughts
Let it all go to Him.
---
Ahem. Second poem thing now. (a series of smaller poems associated into one... big poem-thing...)
-----------
Painfully listening to them speak
About their lives
And then they won't speak
When you think they need it
Seperate patient from friend
They need a listening ear
She's probably busy
Does she need to talk?
I'm not entirely sure.
And then another
Struggling, so much, internally
Not knowing the Truth spiritually
All I can do is keep on praying.
If I'm supposed to speak the Truth,
100% of the time...
I should stop being so intimidated?
Is that the word?
Don't let her own thoughts matter
In telling her what is True.
Do not hesitate to say The Bible is all facts.
Do not hesitate.
Let the Holy Spirit speak to her, like they've all told you is right.
If she does not accept, let it go...
It's all their choice...
You can't change a person's mind.
Don't ever bring up that topic again
In that room.
You saw her flinch when you said the word, mentioned the 'sucky' debate
You and your other friend did online.
Don't ever say that word again.
Even though you didn't mention it directly
Even though it was about those you felt unjust bitterness toward
Due to their bashing of the Truth, of the Bible, of God Himself,
Though you spoke your words because they wouldn't face it in that debate
Don't mention abortion again.
Don't say the word around her.
Is that wrong, to think this way?
To not want to remind of her the pain?
Don't ever say that word again, not around her?
Change your opinions?
Should you?
No... a human life, is a life,
But...
Just don't say it again...
Soft-spoken, shy, desperate?
What does she want in her life?
Self-esteem issues...
But is she a little selfISH?
Who am I to think that way?
When I can be the same...
She quit going to her youth group...
I should've tried to talk to her more about that...
Rather than let myself brush the subject,
To listen to the rest of her crush-story...
Right as she needed to hang up.
-------------
Endy Poem-thing-maybe?
(references 'The Shrink' poem)
Yes, the shrink really sucks at her 'job'
A lot
Not only sometimes
Speak up, she needs to
But sometimes she talks too much...
Balance, she's tried to learn
And she's still got a ways to go
But she plans to keep on going
Keep on praying
Keep on loving
Because that's what she's here for.
--------------------------------------
*breathes*
That feels much better. I love you guys. :) God Bless. :)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Books I read/read and why I write.
GAH.
I really have been procrastinating... in fact, some of the assignments, I wasn't hardly aware of. Like, I might have been heard of it once, from a couple of other people, and then never remembered that it was due/or becoming due.
This weekend, I think I might end up just doing HOMEWORK. o.ee Leanne's not gonna be home/availible for talking.
It feels like a Friday night.
*sigh*
Anyway...
Breathing Underwater is an amazing book by Alex Flinn about an abusive guy... and his family, and his friends, his school, his anger-management classes, and his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know everyone loves reading those books... xP. But honestly... really amazing book. *spoilersaheadforpeoplewhowillstillreadthisbook* He grew up with an abusive father, however, he never looks it. Everyone in his school thinks he's got a perfect life, big house, great car, on the football team, popular... but, he really doesn't. He's smart. He's 'attractive'. He seems like a great guy...
But, he realizes that he's got something more from his dad than just those green eyes, staring him down in the mirror every morning.
Enter, Caitlin McCourt, his "dream girl". Pretty, smart, and with issues of her own, she walks into his life, and he falls in love. Or, so it seems. He saves her from a Junior in High School at a party, beating him up, and they kiss for the first time. "...I was right. Hers was the kiss that mattered." he writes, in his journal, assigned to him from the judge at the beginning of the book, when Caitlin gets a restraining order upon him.
He walks around the school, his friends scorning him, no one daring to speak to him, Caitlin's best friend Elsa, writing on a board in English "GO NICK! BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!", many kids giving him comments, speaking that they wrote it. He practices strategies of controlling himself, and writing in the journal, simply wanting to recall the good times. With him and Caitlin. Happy, together...
That's just a little preview of the book I got all together, and ya know... you gotta read it.
I am one of the few sadistic people who would sit and say "I wanna write a problem novel." out of good purpose, but yeah, I would sit down and say that.
This past year ('07-early '08), books that have influenced some of the darker parts of my writing, as well as some books that really made me think/cry/wanna cry: Cut by Patricia McCormick (wanting to understand cutters, having friends and acquiantences [sp?] with such experience...), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (the main character is also a selective mute, who was raped), Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn (the author being a girl, inspired to write 'Breathing Underwater' after volunteering at a battered woman's shelter), A Corner of the Universe by Ann M. Martin (a Juvenile Novel, yet, just as powerful and beautiful and tragic as any 'higher level' YA novel, about a recently-turned 12 year old girl, named Hattie Owen, in 1960, meeting and befriending her 20 year old uncle, who had just been released from a mental institution, for a condition diagnosed as a mix of autism and schizophrenia, whose perfectionist parents locked him away, in order not to ruin their family's reputation, looking down at their daughter's marriage of a dreamer artsy-type and boarding home business. Her uncle, Adam, seems just like a child at heart, kind, different, yet a true friend to her. She learns many things from him, and yet, in the end, tragedy strikes, but her learning to treat others with kindness and compassion is not forgotten. *tryingnottospoilhere...GOODBOOK.READIT.*), Rules by Cynthia Lord (another good juve. novel, much lighter, yet still featuring a 12-year-old female protagonist, a character with autism, this time, her little brother, and a physically disabled and mute boy who becomes a very close friend to the girl. Another great book. Lots of similar themes to 'A Corner of the Universe', yet, more concentrated on the themes of treating people the same, no matter how they look, the way they act. And not being afraid to be different, as well, because a lot of people won't stand up for people who are different, no matter how or why they're different. Just not fitting into that convenient little pocket of stereotype everyone wants to be in is enough for some people to reject you, and that's stupid. *sorryaboutmyADDsubjectchanges,but...yah.Seriously.*)
Other writing/thoughts of writing influences:
-That one email that inspired "Haunted"
-My personal life (Random events)
-My friends' personal lives *DON'TSHOOTME!* *hides*
-Life in general
-"Political" issues (the kind of stuff that would influence voters in the 'run' this year; things like abortion, gay rights, etc., etc. *pro-life,ibelievepeoplearepeople,fetusesareahumanlife,peoplesin,peopleMAKECHOICES,and...probablyrepublican.*sigh**)
-People around me
-'The issues' (a few of them listed in 'political issues', which, they may be the same, but... I'm gonna just make this seperate. Things like drugs, abuse, other addictions, teen pregnancy, etc. )
-Mental disorders
-GOD
My faith really is at the core. I accept that there is darkness in the world, and that's something that needs to change. I realize things, I am aware. And I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save us from this darkness, our sins. I believe in redemption. All the unwritten endings in my mind aren't entirely unhappy. They're endings that end with hope and redemption and faith and love. And like in real life, though it's difficult for me to do at times, not all characters have the happiest endings. If I actually got to writing, there is that light... in the darkness. My characters will not end up miserable forever. They relapse, yes, they get stressed out, they get depressed, but their desire to change, their efforts, they are not in vain in the end. I like triumphant endings. I like happy endings. I LOVE "happily ever afters". And I believe everyone can have a happy ending, if they put their faith in Him and do His will.
My problem in writing truly is discipline; it's not as though I lack inspiration. Truly, every little thing can be an inspiration to me. I just need to get working at it, work harder, try harder, do what the english teacher says about adjectives and adverbs and spelling and organization and all that... take every little thing to improve my writing seriously.
God Bless you all. :) Love ya!
- Aly
I really have been procrastinating... in fact, some of the assignments, I wasn't hardly aware of. Like, I might have been heard of it once, from a couple of other people, and then never remembered that it was due/or becoming due.
This weekend, I think I might end up just doing HOMEWORK. o.ee Leanne's not gonna be home/availible for talking.
It feels like a Friday night.
*sigh*
Anyway...
Breathing Underwater is an amazing book by Alex Flinn about an abusive guy... and his family, and his friends, his school, his anger-management classes, and his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know everyone loves reading those books... xP. But honestly... really amazing book. *spoilersaheadforpeoplewhowillstillreadthisbook* He grew up with an abusive father, however, he never looks it. Everyone in his school thinks he's got a perfect life, big house, great car, on the football team, popular... but, he really doesn't. He's smart. He's 'attractive'. He seems like a great guy...
But, he realizes that he's got something more from his dad than just those green eyes, staring him down in the mirror every morning.
Enter, Caitlin McCourt, his "dream girl". Pretty, smart, and with issues of her own, she walks into his life, and he falls in love. Or, so it seems. He saves her from a Junior in High School at a party, beating him up, and they kiss for the first time. "...I was right. Hers was the kiss that mattered." he writes, in his journal, assigned to him from the judge at the beginning of the book, when Caitlin gets a restraining order upon him.
He walks around the school, his friends scorning him, no one daring to speak to him, Caitlin's best friend Elsa, writing on a board in English "GO NICK! BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!", many kids giving him comments, speaking that they wrote it. He practices strategies of controlling himself, and writing in the journal, simply wanting to recall the good times. With him and Caitlin. Happy, together...
That's just a little preview of the book I got all together, and ya know... you gotta read it.
I am one of the few sadistic people who would sit and say "I wanna write a problem novel." out of good purpose, but yeah, I would sit down and say that.
This past year ('07-early '08), books that have influenced some of the darker parts of my writing, as well as some books that really made me think/cry/wanna cry: Cut by Patricia McCormick (wanting to understand cutters, having friends and acquiantences [sp?] with such experience...), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (the main character is also a selective mute, who was raped), Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn (the author being a girl, inspired to write 'Breathing Underwater' after volunteering at a battered woman's shelter), A Corner of the Universe by Ann M. Martin (a Juvenile Novel, yet, just as powerful and beautiful and tragic as any 'higher level' YA novel, about a recently-turned 12 year old girl, named Hattie Owen, in 1960, meeting and befriending her 20 year old uncle, who had just been released from a mental institution, for a condition diagnosed as a mix of autism and schizophrenia, whose perfectionist parents locked him away, in order not to ruin their family's reputation, looking down at their daughter's marriage of a dreamer artsy-type and boarding home business. Her uncle, Adam, seems just like a child at heart, kind, different, yet a true friend to her. She learns many things from him, and yet, in the end, tragedy strikes, but her learning to treat others with kindness and compassion is not forgotten. *tryingnottospoilhere...GOODBOOK.READIT.*), Rules by Cynthia Lord (another good juve. novel, much lighter, yet still featuring a 12-year-old female protagonist, a character with autism, this time, her little brother, and a physically disabled and mute boy who becomes a very close friend to the girl. Another great book. Lots of similar themes to 'A Corner of the Universe', yet, more concentrated on the themes of treating people the same, no matter how they look, the way they act. And not being afraid to be different, as well, because a lot of people won't stand up for people who are different, no matter how or why they're different. Just not fitting into that convenient little pocket of stereotype everyone wants to be in is enough for some people to reject you, and that's stupid. *sorryaboutmyADDsubjectchanges,but...yah.Seriously.*)
Other writing/thoughts of writing influences:
-That one email that inspired "Haunted"
-My personal life (Random events)
-My friends' personal lives *DON'TSHOOTME!* *hides*
-Life in general
-"Political" issues (the kind of stuff that would influence voters in the 'run' this year; things like abortion, gay rights, etc., etc. *pro-life,ibelievepeoplearepeople,fetusesareahumanlife,peoplesin,peopleMAKECHOICES,and...probablyrepublican.*sigh**)
-People around me
-'The issues' (a few of them listed in 'political issues', which, they may be the same, but... I'm gonna just make this seperate. Things like drugs, abuse, other addictions, teen pregnancy, etc. )
-Mental disorders
-GOD
My faith really is at the core. I accept that there is darkness in the world, and that's something that needs to change. I realize things, I am aware. And I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save us from this darkness, our sins. I believe in redemption. All the unwritten endings in my mind aren't entirely unhappy. They're endings that end with hope and redemption and faith and love. And like in real life, though it's difficult for me to do at times, not all characters have the happiest endings. If I actually got to writing, there is that light... in the darkness. My characters will not end up miserable forever. They relapse, yes, they get stressed out, they get depressed, but their desire to change, their efforts, they are not in vain in the end. I like triumphant endings. I like happy endings. I LOVE "happily ever afters". And I believe everyone can have a happy ending, if they put their faith in Him and do His will.
My problem in writing truly is discipline; it's not as though I lack inspiration. Truly, every little thing can be an inspiration to me. I just need to get working at it, work harder, try harder, do what the english teacher says about adjectives and adverbs and spelling and organization and all that... take every little thing to improve my writing seriously.
God Bless you all. :) Love ya!
- Aly
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Once a week, I tolded j00. I SOWWIE FOR TAKING LONG! DX *hug* Today: SEE YOU AT THE POLE.
http://www.calvaryefc.org/content/view/1314/911/
That's what I did this morning at my school's flagpole. We prayed about a couple students and teachers, and we sang and prayed around the flagpole... it was pretty awesome. :)
I gotta get back on track, though. :-/
I read my Bible during school today. I decided not to take my other 'outside reading' books to classes today, and just took my Bible instead. I've been reading John. It's very good... lots of stuff to think about. People were really against Jesus back then... it's similar to the way things are now. There were more 'Pharisees' back then, and though there are MANY hypocrites (sp?) in Christianity, there a lot of people picking and choosing things in the Bible to believe, and not believe. As well as MANY people who just don't want to believe... it's really sad to me. :-/
(haven't figured out his codename yet) This one guy, I sit next to in English, nice dude, funny, tried too hard on YouTube, yet apparently, it worked, because he has lots of viewers now, or a modest amount, either way. Anyway, his broken ankle just healed up... and then he broke his arm last night. O.O Yah. Sucks for him. D: We prayed for him at See You at the Pole today... and this other girl. *sigh* I really gotta get up with that bullying problem. Mrs. Waver said she'd see me today... and I had a health test, so I couldn't come... xP And tommorrow she wants me to come during study hall (which is called 'target'... we normally specify some certain things we have to do in Target, so we don't always get to just freely do homework or throw papers at each other. o.e)
And... I might be getting a crush on Sam #1. o.o
Ella's gonna spazzkeel meh. T.T
Writer's block kills. o.o
I need to get back to homework... MY PROCRASTINATION SYNDROME CAME BACK! D':
God Bless you all. :) ^^ Love ya! ^^
-Aly "Kim", "Alyce", etc...
That's what I did this morning at my school's flagpole. We prayed about a couple students and teachers, and we sang and prayed around the flagpole... it was pretty awesome. :)
I gotta get back on track, though. :-/
I read my Bible during school today. I decided not to take my other 'outside reading' books to classes today, and just took my Bible instead. I've been reading John. It's very good... lots of stuff to think about. People were really against Jesus back then... it's similar to the way things are now. There were more 'Pharisees' back then, and though there are MANY hypocrites (sp?) in Christianity, there a lot of people picking and choosing things in the Bible to believe, and not believe. As well as MANY people who just don't want to believe... it's really sad to me. :-/
(haven't figured out his codename yet) This one guy, I sit next to in English, nice dude, funny, tried too hard on YouTube, yet apparently, it worked, because he has lots of viewers now, or a modest amount, either way. Anyway, his broken ankle just healed up... and then he broke his arm last night. O.O Yah. Sucks for him. D: We prayed for him at See You at the Pole today... and this other girl. *sigh* I really gotta get up with that bullying problem. Mrs. Waver said she'd see me today... and I had a health test, so I couldn't come... xP And tommorrow she wants me to come during study hall (which is called 'target'... we normally specify some certain things we have to do in Target, so we don't always get to just freely do homework or throw papers at each other. o.e)
And... I might be getting a crush on Sam #1. o.o
Ella's gonna spazzkeel meh. T.T
Writer's block kills. o.o
I need to get back to homework... MY PROCRASTINATION SYNDROME CAME BACK! D':
God Bless you all. :) ^^ Love ya! ^^
-Aly "Kim", "Alyce", etc...
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