*presses those electric heart-startthingstoblog* REVIVE! MERRY CHRISTMAS!/HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (And life-musings.)

Promise to self and others:

I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST
I WILL POST THIS POST...

Ai'ight, sorry guys for being gone forever... Dx

I love you guys, though! Seriously!

Leanne has been having internet issues for a very long while nowzzz, so it ish sad. D':

But Rose and her family are coming up for Christmas/New Year! ^^

And it shall be amazing!

I'm so glad for the Christmas season be here. It's always such a great, hopeful, joyful time for me. And, like all breaks from school/holidays a good time for reflection, writing, reading, talking, etc.

I do that anyway, but I have more time now.

And now, for some really irrelevant/relevant? musings of stuffs.

Numero uno, Leanne and I talk on the phone 24/7. I've been neglecting a lot of my other friends lately... :'( And the internet. Especially my internet friends. Which is bad. And I shouldn't do that.

But the phone-roleplay (which started out as a parody of our characters out of various roleplays I've joined/mainly "In Their Eyes" on AvatarSpirit.net) we do now really has me thinking.

I've always got dark, messed-up characters, with messed-up lives, and messed-up everything else. Plus, I'm a Christian (and YES, this has to do with something, it has to do with EVERYTHING) and they don't follow my own moral standards. I've been a pretty darkish person since around two years ago or longer, a little confused, a littl culture-shocked because I was either sheltered or 100% obliviously and happily naiive up until around fifth grade.

Probably a little bit of both. But when my parents decided to let me be a little less sheltered, I guess I just kept being blissfully ignorant/oblvious/naiive on my own.

Psh, they still think they shelter me.

But, I ruin that kind of effort. And they appreciate my deeper thoughts on things as a teenager, even when they may not agree, or have the same thoughts. They're my parents. I think they're glad I talk to them. If I talk to my mom, then she's mostly listening because I often talk to her after a couple cups of coffee in the morning after an entire week of school and I'm dancing and jumping off of kitchen chairs while ranting about "political issues" and friends and a whole bunch of other things and writing... etc...

But, back on topic.

So I'm dark. And I can take all the dark stuff. I read so many "problem novels" now, it's not even funny. I'm just too serious sometimes! My sense of humor is pretty harsh sometimes.

But I used to do this kind of writing/reading/talking because:
1. I was utterly depressing/depressed? in sixth grade
2. Due to this, I made my poor depressing already Mary-Sue'd character Kim become my emo self and do the morbid crud I couldn't get my own self to do
3. Later on, I read/wrote this kind of stuff to understand real troubled people without asking troubled people I know, or experiencing it myself (psych-preparation; YA fiction is how I RESEARCH[ED?])
4. Now I just don't know why. Might still be the research. And maybe for the sake of experiencing.

But here's what I know. As I keep on doing this, things just don't manage to phase anymore. Like my friend's "legal murder" comment on abortion, just the matter-of-fact voice of hers in that comment, just how unattached it was, like there was nothing to be done, nothing to be said, just a horrible fact-of-life, without the emotion, that's just how everything's starting to become for me.

What I realize is that there are REAL people who live this way. Who do what Leanne's and my characters do. Who have gone through the things we put them through. The people who live those miserable lives and keeping going through their vicious cycles until they conciously try to stop and move on and change their life, escape their circumstances and start over, do NOT have the luxury of acting it out, of pretending, the luxury of saying on the phone or Personal Messaging saying to "take a break" from it, or to press that fake rewind button when things get too intense for the writer/speaker's sake.

I know it was wrong for me to WISH for misfortune for myself for the sake of empathy, to truly understand a person's pain. But it's better than continuing drama for the sake of continuing it. It's like a real person's miserable life is just a petty thing to play with to a person who has a relatively decent life. Melody Carlson, Jodi Picoult, what is with these women? Why do they write what they write? Why do I write what I write? How do I keep doing that?

I want to be more aware. And I want to understand. But I don't want to have a terrible life, even if it means it would be more inspiring, at least in my own opinion, if I overcame it.

My dad is a perfect example.

Problem is, he's STILL overcoming. He's nearing fifty years old, and things that happened all the way back in his childhood, in his teenage years, STILL are with him, even as he overcomes. He has Christ in his life, and being a follower of the Lord does NOT make your life easier. It makes it easier to bear and shows you the higher meaning of WHY you were put on earth, WHY you go through what you do. It shows you that you were put here to accomplish something beautiful, to show the hope you received in HIM to others. You do not turn on a light and hide it underneath a bowl. You show it to others.

That is why is Christmas is beautiful too.

I always had a recovery story for my character locked up in my head if they ever got that far into a story or a roleplay. They just keep stumbling and falling and crawling, and trying to go through life on their own. Therefore, they keep falling. None of them know how to deal with their life. They're angry, they're hurting, and they just don't understand. This is a terrible stereotype, I suppose for people who actually do that. I don't know. I just don't believe you can ever fully understand your life unless you come to the Lord. But that's not what everyone believes, though. And I understand that, but that's what the Bible says, though, and I wholeheartedly believe all of it. I will admit, I don't agree with everything the Old Testament says, ("eye for an eye, rapist should marry victim, lots of incest... o.eee") but even the New Testament clears up some of the Old Testament, through Jesus's teachings, especially in Matthew. Pretty sick stuff in the Old Testament. I believe all of Creation, though. (The incest thing gets cleared up when more people get born, because... I suppose all that stuff happened because there was like, no one on earth yet. And Adam and Eve--NOT MADE RELATED.)

Off topic once again...

Like Melody Carlson, one of my new favorite authors, who, like myself, has her own overuse of topics, her own set of stereotypes due to her overuse of topics, I believe life was not meant to be perfect. Sure, there was the fall of the world. But God gave us free will. And that meant risking His people to become tempted by His enemies, and then choose to sin against him. But He didn't want robots to worship Him. He wanted the people to do so WILLINGLY. He brings us closer through even tragedy, turns evil into good. Nothing is a coincidence. Nothing that happens wasn't meant to happen. When we're made, God already knows whether or not we're going to choose Him over the world by the time we've reached the end of our lives. God knows EVERYTHING.

And so the road bumps in our lives can just shoot us right up to Him. Or, they can make us go bitter and angry and hurt and stay in our miserable life-cycles.

When I think about it, my dad's life has probably fascinated me for so long that it makes me put these sorts of things into my writing, and my reading. When I say "I don't wanna ask troubled people/people who have gone through the terrible stuff I think about too much", I realize after a few moments, my dad's probably been through it all. He really inspires me. He's still not always consistent, but I know he's clinging to the cross, and I know he's truly trying to change. And he's human. It's beautiful.

I love my mom too, and she's a very wise, kind of traditional sometimes, but open woman. My parents are great.

I just hope my brother doesn't go through the culture shock I went through, though I think he's past that now. I think he's already developing those kinds of "worldly" problems, probably influenced by me, my music, my talking on the phone, his little internet games... turning into a full-fledged dork, but he's so smart, funny, but so boy-ish! I just hope he learns to understand what's truly important. My brother and my mom have always had a really close relationship, and my dad and him can always watch TV, comedy shows, play games and stuff together.

This Christmas, I'm really grateful for saving Grace, for my family, and my friends who put up with me all the time.

Love you all! Have a very Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

Sincerely,

Aly

More ventish and almost depressing poetry.

I love music right now. Thank God for Jill Pearson, Superchick, and Barlow Girl right now. And my friends.

Anyway, more poems. Can't prose my feelings yet.


God, I feel like I'm losing it a lot right now
I know You're holding onto me
But I'm still slipping, sliding, barely grasping
Too confused
Too perplexed
Too scared
Of not having the people
That hold me up
And that's wrong
You hold me up when I'm falling
But I've been leaning onto them too much
But I flinch at every untrue word
That slips from their lips
And yet I can't let go
And let You change them,
I hold onto to what I try to do.
And I should give it up to you.
I guess I'm codependent.
Or something more,
Or something less?
I don't know myself again
Last time I felt this way
I was falling apart.
I have little seconds where I slip a lot.
Feel that falling apart
Tears can come whenever my mind is tempted
And then they go away.
I act like I'm okay.
I don't even know what's wrong with me, Lord!
Should I?
Are You using this to draw me closer?
Or am I falling somewhere You don't want me to go?
I know You won't forsake me...
I know that I believe You.
That I can't live without You.
But why do those times come? Lord, forgive me for my doubts.
I know You're here.
And "Blessed are the ones who don't see, and yet still believe."
Lord, hold me tighter, when I'm struggling, I'm flailing
Lost, unsure, confused.
Bring me close to You. I know You're here. Please forgive me for my doubts.
I know You love me.
And them too, Lord.
Use me, Your servant, is listening now.
My mind is clear!
Thank You for being here...

The Union of Dark and Light has no place.

I'm gonna write this in poem format. Screw organization and a 'narrow and manageable' subject. It's just easier to write a ridiculously long 'freeverse' sometimes... as you may have noticed I've done... several times before.
----

I don't know how or why
But maybe I do
The lady who threatened suicide
Because her son was an atheist
She was terrible,
Teaching him to sin already!
Saying things no better than her poor son.
Love and nurturing him back
The prodigal
That was what she needed to do

But now I understand
Why she said what she said
Why she thought what she thought.
Lord, Lord forgive me
For ever thinking that way.
You put me here to love and show people your light.
Not fall into the darkness.

The darkness is all around me.
It is just too much.
Last night, it almost seemed worthless.
How could I fight all of this?
How would I last?
When no one truly believes...
Lost faith in people, slowly losing faith...

In You.

I never want to do that.
I never want to be so selfish.
Thinking of my family and friends,
They need me.
No, they need YOU. But,
You might be using me
To bring them to you.
God, forgive me.

If the country falls apart, bless us please.
If I screw up, please forgive me.
If they screw up, may they see Your light and confess.
Despicable thoughts that entered my mind.

Lord, forgive me for them.

Only once had they come before.
And it was only because I thought I was hated.
And none of that was true.

God, You surround me with so much love.
Forgive me for being so selfish.
Forgive me for thinking of murdering this piece of Your creatiion.
It was I, I would hurt, and yet, the others would grieve.
And I would be lost, forever.

And I never want that. Lord, please, please forgive me.
Never.
Lord, I value you. You love me. Lord, I love you.
I love the people you put me with.
I love even the sinners.
I try to discern.
I want to be Yours.
And I want them to be Yours.

Your unfailing love, Your love, Your kindness, compassion.

Your mercy, Your grace.

I need it, they need it.
Lord, You forgive. You are amazing.
To think that the Creator of the earth, the stars, the world, everything
Would take time to listen to me.
Lord, You only let me fall to my knees.
And I praise You. For loving me, even in the worst thought of sin.

Lord, I know You forgive me.
Lord, I trust You.
I know Your will is so much bigger than mine.
The plans for my life, You held, even before my birth.
You will not forsake me.
Forgive me for ever forsaking you.
Lord, I truly give You my life.
I will do as You command me.
Because You are God, You are awesome.
Thank You, Lord.
For saving me.

*dusts off blog* I'M SORRY, PEOPLEZ! ILY STILL!

I'm sorry... D: *hugglefies everyone* I've been severely neglecting this blog and that's very unkind of me.

I'm very sorry. *sniff*

Well... let's see... life.

Umm... face-value, life's been... interesting. Last week, I logged onto the computer, and found out that someone online died. And I was really, extremely depressed about that. And then I found out, the next day, that they were alive. But they had almost died... from their throat bleeding, and they almost drowned from their own blood. *eyetwitch*

I was slightly relieved, but still worried about them. They talked to me though. They had recently been released from the hospital.

The week before, I'd had Leanne and Ella over, and we hung out. Leanne and I acted muffinleh (AS A JOKE), and Ella was all like "I don't swing that way!" Yeah, we have issues whenever we get together. Lea and I stayed up really late speak-RPing with our characters for our OC spoof with all of our characters. Yeah. It used to be humorous, but, it got slightly serious. Still is. It fluctuates. (And Lea and I are the comic relief characters... lately, all we've been doing is eating popcorn and drinking suicides [the drink you make when you put all the sodas from the little resturant soda machine thingeh in a cup]) Yeah. You wouldn't understand... *sigh*

Halloween, I went over to my friend's house, and we hung out and talked and ate caramel apples and pizza and apple cider/Mountain Dew and discussed political issues, American presidential candidates, and stuffs with her mommeh! ^^' Which, I'm actually interested in and very passionate about sometimes. Mostly abortion... *sigh* *isprolife*

Most of you guys knew that though... *sigh*

This, depresses me.

4,000 babies a day get murdered.

^That's just for the US.

Anyway, I'm going to write a poem for the rest of this...


Reaching out to the distant problems
That I have no control over
Lord, I try to let go
I pray, and then I take it back
I pray for my friends
Then try not to think...
Every 'real conversation' about problems
Statistics
People who are near me
Grow farther away
As I think of their issues
Rather than them
As a person.
Sixth grade may have been heck
But I'd rather be depressed and sensitive and emotional
Than obssessed with issues so corrupt and sad over things I can't touch
And cold.
I'd rather give all of my energy to everyone else
Than selfish
"How does this affect me?"
Is not the question I want to ask.
How can do this for the kingdom of God?
God first
He wants my passion to be for others
He wants me to be compassionate toward others
He wants me to be warm
Not distant, cold
Not too concerned with things He'll take care of.

If the world is ending, I can't change that
Revelations says we win.
I don't need to worry
I can still think
Of the world's problems
I can still debate

But I can't save the world
All I can do is try to touch the lives around me
With Jesus Christ's love.
Loving, compassionate, understanding
While yet speaking the truth.
If someone else rejects it, I can't take it personally.
"Dust off your shoes, and walk away."
It's not my job
To change them.

I just have to say.
And I have to pause.
Let God do his work.

I still want wings,
Rather than roots
That keep me on the ground.
I don't want to be judgemental.
I want to show love and light,
The way God made us too.

Speak the truth.
Know it, believe it, accept it.
That is all I need to do.
Love, show kindness, compassion, empathy.
Show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness
Gentleness
And self-control.

That's all I need to do.


Love you guys. :] Talk to ya'll later. God Bless!

~Aly

Questions to Various Guys I Know/Wish I still Knew

Questions to Various Guys I Know/Wish I still Knew

How come we used to be able to talk to each other?
How come I've become so confused?
About you and the rest of your kind?
Maybe I've read a book about a guy's brain...
But I guess I've gotta figure part of you people out myself
I really want to know someone
How come I screw up so much when I'm with you?
And a few other people?

Dear first real boyfriend,
Were you really just stressed out, when
You told me you wanted to break up?
And what did you mean?
By wanting to keep kissing me?
What did that other girl hold against you?
Do you really not mind the many questions I ask you?
I'm sorry
If some of my intentions
Were not genuine care at times
And for the things that I did
That you didn't know
It killed me
Just to hear you say
"Maybe you could go with that other guy you were talking about now..."
It killed me.
I want to hear your voice again
So find your dang phone.
I miss you
I wanna be friends.
Thank you for your emails.
I still think about you
At least on a 3-day-a-week basis.
Lately, it's been more...

I don't know why.

Dear guy I currently have a crush on,
I like you now
So do a billion other girls
If we went to a different school, maybe it wouldn't be the same.
But it doesn't matter.
Because we go to this one.
I've known you for so long, yet
You've gone after all these other girls.
Tell me, are you really as cocky as you put yourself out to be?
Who are you?
I apologize for some of these questions, if it insults you...
I know you're more than that, at least on the inside.
I wanna be able to talk to you again, just normal.
No emo comments, no dumb insults.
Just talking.
I'm sorry for acting like an idiot with you a lot
And most likely embarassing you in front of your friends.
I know it's not the greatest thing...
If I could, which I probably won't,
I'd tell you I liked you.
It probably wouldn't work out, especially now
But either way, I hope you find someone who you can stick with that makes you happy.
This goes for all the good guys I know.
And you're one of them, if you would only act more like it.
Don't forget about what God wants your life to be like.
Who you're trying to represent
Don't let peer pressure pressure you into being something you're not
Especially someone who isn't right.

Dear former best guy friend and ex,
Don't you hate those words, because I know I do.
I sound to young to have ex-boyfriends, ex-anythings
I miss you.
I miss us, and by that, I mean just friendship
Anything that isn't fighting
Anything that's nice or innocent
Or not so innocent, but still unable to be cruel
No bitterness
No anger
Nothing.
Just... talking.
Laughing
Joking
Passing notebooks in Target class
I have no classes with you so far
But I still miss you
I don't ask you if you hate me anymore
I realize that you probably don't.
It's just me who thinks that.
Do you feel unattracted to unconfident girls?
There are a heck of a lot of them...
Thanks for sort of trying to make me feel better that one time I talked to you about that...
Just remembered.
I miss it.
Miss it all.
Except for the fighting.
And when I ruined one of your relationships.
I hope you aren't doing to her again...
Just make sure
Whatever relationships you get into
Go well
Care, care, care,
Be kind.
Be understanding.
Don't be stupid.
And try to be Godly, if possible, my friend.
I wish I could really just... talk, to you, again.
It's been so long...
Since we could even hold a conversation.
I'm sorry for hurting you so many times...
You have valid reasons for not wanting to talk me then, I guess.
But I still miss you.
Talk to me again sometime, please...
---

done.

Ventrantlikeitemthingsortof

I am eating. Too much. Today. *headdesk* And it's concious. And I'm not hungry. o.eeee

I'm gonna get all like, obese. o.eeee *sigh* Oh well.

Another case of Sixth Grade Emo.

It's made of suck.

And, I'm gonna rant...

WARNING: I'm not sure what's gonna be in here, but there's a possibility of pathetical self-pity, and you probably don't wanna hear me whine. Yah. If not, go ahead and keep reading... oh well, whatever. *headdesk*

Okay, maybe I'll rant... I think I just got it out (if that print actually turns out bold.) Either way, you guys have no idea what I'm talking about, but neither do I, sooo...

And I asked my mom to buy me coffee from McDonald's. I suck. *headdesk* *emo*

I've been praying, yet again, but I haven't been letting go of what I've let off as burdens to him. It's pretty hard sometimes. A few years back, I had serious guilt issues, and 100% no self-esteem. o.e Remind me not to reread my diary.

Remember that whole 'self-analysis' thing? I might be doing that to me now... I guess it's kinda dumb. I dunno. I realize now, that God made me, a unique creation, an individual, beautiful, loved forever, able to be forgiven for my sins.

I'm really glad about that. It's quite a leap from about two years ago. Either way, I've been having issues lately. I don't know why. It could be PMS, but I doubt it. I haven't had this kind of reaction to much since sixth grade...

I've become quite bitter lately, I guess. Just... really... bitter. :-/ No one wants to talk to a bitter person. Just really bitter toward the world. Which is pretty much what we're NOT supposed to do, as written in the Bible. You know, God forgives us. So we should be forgiving. But none of my FRIENDS in particular, have really wronged me personally lately... I don't know. I don't feel very forgiving of society's negative influence or the distorted world view ('society-based schizophrenia'). There's just so much sin in our world...

Well, I guess I'm more depressed about it, rather than bitter. But it comes out that way. Maybe. I dunno.

Found some abortion statitistics Thursday night. Not happy. It was very depressing. I DID, however, find a pretty inspiring person...

http://www.dianedew.com/aborindx.htm

Diane Dew, who wrote a bunch of those articles, and all that... she sound pretty cool to me.

Today, I finished "For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think" by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. It was really, really interesting. I learned about guys from it...

http://www.foryoungwomenonly.com/BooksStudies/ForYoungWomenOnly/tabid/140/Default.aspx
^teh site.

Anyway, I've also found myself thinking about my former romantic relationships with guys, as well as my crush... and that book also made me rethink the stuff I've said to guys. :-/

Sucks.

I still like the guy I like, but it's sad, because my friend at school, I can tell, most likely still likes him, but probably, like me, just thinks that he's absolutely unattainable. Too many girls like him, that's all I know. I almost would feel wrong, if he EVER would consider go out with me, if he liked me, above all the others... but, kinda honored-ish, I guess then. I don't know... What the book said, "Ego= still has lots of insecurities". But it also said on their survey, that guys feel the most secure in their abilities/overly secure at times, when they're younger... so, I dunno. Maybe he still thinks at the top of the world. xP Maybe I picked a bad choice for a crush... oh well.

My melancholy mood may also be due to the crush. I dunno. I haven't been romantic with anyone for what seems like a while... But, I don't wanna get superuberboycrazy. That would suck worse. I don't wanna be desperate/dependant/obsessive (meh, obsessive's always been a problem with... well, pretty much everything...)

I dunno. Today Sam #1 was wearing a rather attractive outfit. (like, he had on this black sweatshirt, and this really cool grey t-shirt with this cool-looking letters-stuffs on it, and really hot looking black sweatpants... yah... ) I'm screwed, because anything that involves black, on a guy, makes them look hotter to me. o.e And most of the guys I find attractive have bangs... actually, all of them do... I've become rather vain, which is, really, really dumb. But, when it truly comes to dating, I don't really care how they look. S'long as they like me, I like them, they know my boundaries, and they treat me right, I treat them right, he cares, I care, yada yada yada... You know. *headdesk*

None of which, is going to happen with Sam #1, because... I dunno. He seems too cocky to me right now. But I know, I KNOW, for a fact, that he isn't entirely secure (and it's not just because of the book!). We were actually friends, really, friends, last year. He talked to me. And we didn't have to retort to each other every few seconds, even if it is jokingly/not. I know he noticed me staring at him about 5 times today... *headdesk*

You see, if we 'insulted' each other, it would be jokingly... now, sometimes it's not... maybe. I dunno. He said he deleted my message on Facebook without even reading it. *headdesk* Oh well, screw that. He talks to me sometimes, if he's not around everyone else...

And I understand. I'm not always the best around my crushes. I know I get waaaay too in their face sometimes (fifth grade=1st crush= DISASTER; yet another story to be told), and I'm not the 'normal-est' person ever. I dunno.

I just wish he would talk to me.

I've been losing touch with guys a lot lately...

Well, at least any guy that was/is a friend. Before. You know, it's really sad. Jared and I, when I try to talk to him on gmail, I ask the same things, like I used to with Mark right after we'd broken up, and I was trying to be friends with him. So, I asked him how he was, and he said fine, school's fine, i'm fine, etc... Yeah.

Then he started ranting about how my younger brother was an a*hole, because of something that happened at Homecoming. I tried to confront my bro about this now, because I remembered one of J's friends talking to me about how my brother was swearing at Jared during homecoming... so, I made him apologize, and I typed it. And Jared was still PO'd. Or worse. I guess I said some... meh, but sort of maybe kinda justified stuff about he was being just as immature, acting like a ten-year-old, swearing just as much... yeah. :-/ xP Though, I will admit, the comment about David learning the swearing from him was wrong...-ish... okay, it was. It was mean.

And you know what?

It felt familiar, I was used to it, I almost welcomed it, us fighting over g-chat like that. It was comfortable. Because it had happened before. And a lot of fighting went on over my brother, even when we had been dating... I dunno, for some reason, David and Jared hate each other. o.e

Either way, it was wrong.

I miss being able to talk to guys. But I now realize, more than ever, how much I've screwed up with them, and made it impossible for them to ever talk to me earnestly and honestly again... well, some guys, I guess...

And hear I go again, screwing up. *isongchatwithJared*

The odd thing is, the only non-awkward friendship/relationship/acquaintenceship (sp? super sp.) that isn't bad at the moment that was an ex, is the one with Mark and I. We're actually doing pretty good. We're replying emails, as soon as we notice them, and I guess that's good...

*headdesk*

There must be something else going on with Jared.

I'm gonna stop before I say too much.

Love you guys. :)

God Bless.

~Aly/Kim/Alyce...

Rant about Sat., Sun., and Mon.

I'm sorry for being neglective again... I really do <3 you guys. :-/ I shall update on... well, today, at least.

Anyway, Leanne is PO'd at me for putting Lex on our friends' list on our shared MySpace. (I know, isn't it terrible? We have one... D:) I wanted to know more about him. I sorta understand Ella a little more about him, but... :-/ He doesn't always sound like the most wonderful guy out there.

But a girl from my church, erm... Renee (yey coming up with codenames on the spot) is one of his friends, apparently. She was commenting. O: I wonder if my other JA friends know her... (JA= the school Leanne, Ella, Lex, Brenden [various peeps on Leanne's blog], Alicia, etc... go to. ^^' )

Anyvayz, not too much, and a lot of stuff, has happened lately.

Leanne and I hung out with one of my other friends this weekend. 8) Leanne dressed up like an emo kid, my other friend like a goth gangsta, and I dressed up like a hippie... and we walked around my small and loveleh town. o.o

It was... interesting. B-)

Gosh, it had been a while since I'd worn that skirt... heheh.

Anyway, it was pretty cool.

And then the next day, after church, I hung out with Macy at her house, and we went to the mall, and I bought my fantabulous purple hair mascara and electric blue sheer fabric-sewed-over-mesh fingerless gloves with a thumb hole.

(The only person who made an emo/cutting comment was Sam #1 when I wore them today at school. Not unexpected, however. Everyone else, surprisingly, complimented me on them. Including the guys. 8))

Anyvayz...

Yeah. We put on hair mascara in the mall bathrooms and I put on my gloves and yah. It was highly enjoyable.

After our message in youth group, my friends and I (Leanne included) did some random, loud, and fun stuffs in one of the classrooms. B-) This included: drawing and writing obnoxiously on the board, giving piggy back rides to each other, spinning, yelling, singing, etc... picking up the pool balls of the floor, because the little pocket-y things don't hold them well... I think Macy was playing Rock Band then, cuz she didn't follow us. Lol. Anyvayz...

*importantness now!*

Then we went to youth group. Our lesson stuffs for right now is about the different names of God, and how they represent him. This week, we learned about Jehovah. Jehovah was such a special name to the Hebrews, that they would sparingly use it, even in the writing of the Bible. It represents God's holiness, and justice of consquence toward sin, and yet the love that he has for us. Pretty awesome message. :)

*sigh*

Overall, good weekend. :)

A series of ridiculously long poetry/let-out-emotional-stuffs-poems

Mood rings would go insane
Emotions, do they change?
Remembering bad times
Like sixth grade
An absorbent sponge of emotional OCD

Obssessive kid with wants for emo
Scarred by what seemed like rejection
Over an obssessive, stalker-like crush
A year before

Oh, self-pity has no benefits
Misery has no joy
You never wanna feel like that
It's pointless, a waste of time

So why spend a while thinking it over?
Mulling it over
On your mind?
Wondering how and why...
Why not drop the past and run?

When do the 'psychological anylasis' techniques run dry?
Why not face the future, keep on moving
Then make everything behind you seem like blood and dust?

Tears, tears, cried
7 seconds that the devil almost took my mind
I ran downstairs and picked up my Day-By-Day Children's Bible

The girl knew to read the Bible with a purpose
The verse she found out of a random opening
It was about loving others, serving others
And the treasures in Heavan she would receive

Oh gosh, she knew
She wouldn't waste her time with selfishness like that
But mulling it over, over a year
Keeping it silent
Away from the parents

Talked to the guidance counselor everyday after lunch
By choice of course, the only person she knew who would do that

Read the stories in the Chicken Soup books over and over
Teen and Girl's editions
Cutting and anorexia and bullimia they recovered from

Diary entries of self-deprecating words
Superheaddesk to her now

Why is she thinking of it all again?!
No, no, she won't let it return
Her friends need her help most
Her own problems shouldn't even resurface
Shouldn't even HAVE a surface

What is the purpose of this poem?
Of this blog?
Self-pity, is it again? Someone else's attention?
Why doubt herself like this?
ARGH, she doesn't want the attention...

The shrink shouldn't have problems
Now, she knows she should turn to the Lord
She needs to keep on praying, and not to listen to the lies

She needs to stop her doubting, and not give into those lies!
Society says otherwise, everywhere she turns!
Online debates tell her no and no and no, and the people
Why do they all not believe in Truth?

Love is supposed to go to everyone
"Love the person, not the sin."
And that is what she tries to do
Strives to do
"Speak the Truth, no matter what."
And that's what she strives to do

But the frustration is eating at her again
And the lies are so much easier
Sinful heart wants its ways to be satisfied
But she can't let it happen

She cries out again and again to the Lord
And He's there
The verse they tell her again and again
The one He speaks to her
"Be still and know that I am God."

Be still, be still, be still...
Brain works on overtime
Hearts are confused
Exchange worry for prayer
Give it up, and don't hold onto what you were supposed to let go
Lay your burdens on Him.

But why does she hold on again and again?!
Time to blast Flyleaf
"You are the Truth,
Outscreaming these lies
You are the Truth
Saving my life"

Put your burdens on Him... like the skit in Sunday school class...

No, no more of these thoughts
Let it all go to Him.
---
Ahem. Second poem thing now. (a series of smaller poems associated into one... big poem-thing...)
-----------
Painfully listening to them speak
About their lives
And then they won't speak
When you think they need it
Seperate patient from friend
They need a listening ear

She's probably busy
Does she need to talk?
I'm not entirely sure.

And then another
Struggling, so much, internally
Not knowing the Truth spiritually

All I can do is keep on praying.

If I'm supposed to speak the Truth,
100% of the time...
I should stop being so intimidated?

Is that the word?
Don't let her own thoughts matter
In telling her what is True.
Do not hesitate to say The Bible is all facts.

Do not hesitate.
Let the Holy Spirit speak to her, like they've all told you is right.
If she does not accept, let it go...
It's all their choice...
You can't change a person's mind.


Don't ever bring up that topic again
In that room.
You saw her flinch when you said the word, mentioned the 'sucky' debate
You and your other friend did online.

Don't ever say that word again.
Even though you didn't mention it directly
Even though it was about those you felt unjust bitterness toward
Due to their bashing of the Truth, of the Bible, of God Himself,
Though you spoke your words because they wouldn't face it in that debate
Don't mention abortion again.

Don't say the word around her.
Is that wrong, to think this way?
To not want to remind of her the pain?
Don't ever say that word again, not around her?
Change your opinions?
Should you?
No... a human life, is a life,
But...
Just don't say it again...


Soft-spoken, shy, desperate?
What does she want in her life?
Self-esteem issues...
But is she a little selfISH?

Who am I to think that way?
When I can be the same...
She quit going to her youth group...
I should've tried to talk to her more about that...
Rather than let myself brush the subject,
To listen to the rest of her crush-story...
Right as she needed to hang up.
-------------
Endy Poem-thing-maybe?
(references 'The Shrink' poem)

Yes, the shrink really sucks at her 'job'
A lot
Not only sometimes
Speak up, she needs to
But sometimes she talks too much...

Balance, she's tried to learn
And she's still got a ways to go

But she plans to keep on going
Keep on praying
Keep on loving
Because that's what she's here for.

--------------------------------------
*breathes*

That feels much better. I love you guys. :) God Bless. :)

Books I read/read and why I write.

GAH.

I really have been procrastinating... in fact, some of the assignments, I wasn't hardly aware of. Like, I might have been heard of it once, from a couple of other people, and then never remembered that it was due/or becoming due.

This weekend, I think I might end up just doing HOMEWORK. o.ee Leanne's not gonna be home/availible for talking.

It feels like a Friday night.

*sigh*

Anyway...

Breathing Underwater is an amazing book by Alex Flinn about an abusive guy... and his family, and his friends, his school, his anger-management classes, and his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know everyone loves reading those books... xP. But honestly... really amazing book. *spoilersaheadforpeoplewhowillstillreadthisbook* He grew up with an abusive father, however, he never looks it. Everyone in his school thinks he's got a perfect life, big house, great car, on the football team, popular... but, he really doesn't. He's smart. He's 'attractive'. He seems like a great guy...

But, he realizes that he's got something more from his dad than just those green eyes, staring him down in the mirror every morning.

Enter, Caitlin McCourt, his "dream girl". Pretty, smart, and with issues of her own, she walks into his life, and he falls in love. Or, so it seems. He saves her from a Junior in High School at a party, beating him up, and they kiss for the first time. "...I was right. Hers was the kiss that mattered." he writes, in his journal, assigned to him from the judge at the beginning of the book, when Caitlin gets a restraining order upon him.

He walks around the school, his friends scorning him, no one daring to speak to him, Caitlin's best friend Elsa, writing on a board in English "GO NICK! BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!", many kids giving him comments, speaking that they wrote it. He practices strategies of controlling himself, and writing in the journal, simply wanting to recall the good times. With him and Caitlin. Happy, together...

That's just a little preview of the book I got all together, and ya know... you gotta read it.

I am one of the few sadistic people who would sit and say "I wanna write a problem novel." out of good purpose, but yeah, I would sit down and say that.

This past year ('07-early '08), books that have influenced some of the darker parts of my writing, as well as some books that really made me think/cry/wanna cry: Cut by Patricia McCormick (wanting to understand cutters, having friends and acquiantences [sp?] with such experience...), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (the main character is also a selective mute, who was raped), Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn (the author being a girl, inspired to write 'Breathing Underwater' after volunteering at a battered woman's shelter), A Corner of the Universe by Ann M. Martin (a Juvenile Novel, yet, just as powerful and beautiful and tragic as any 'higher level' YA novel, about a recently-turned 12 year old girl, named Hattie Owen, in 1960, meeting and befriending her 20 year old uncle, who had just been released from a mental institution, for a condition diagnosed as a mix of autism and schizophrenia, whose perfectionist parents locked him away, in order not to ruin their family's reputation, looking down at their daughter's marriage of a dreamer artsy-type and boarding home business. Her uncle, Adam, seems just like a child at heart, kind, different, yet a true friend to her. She learns many things from him, and yet, in the end, tragedy strikes, but her learning to treat others with kindness and compassion is not forgotten. *tryingnottospoilhere...GOODBOOK.READIT.*), Rules by Cynthia Lord (another good juve. novel, much lighter, yet still featuring a 12-year-old female protagonist, a character with autism, this time, her little brother, and a physically disabled and mute boy who becomes a very close friend to the girl. Another great book. Lots of similar themes to 'A Corner of the Universe', yet, more concentrated on the themes of treating people the same, no matter how they look, the way they act. And not being afraid to be different, as well, because a lot of people won't stand up for people who are different, no matter how or why they're different. Just not fitting into that convenient little pocket of stereotype everyone wants to be in is enough for some people to reject you, and that's stupid. *sorryaboutmyADDsubjectchanges,but...yah.Seriously.*)

Other writing/thoughts of writing influences:

-That one email that inspired "Haunted"
-My personal life (Random events)
-My friends' personal lives *DON'TSHOOTME!* *hides*
-Life in general
-"Political" issues (the kind of stuff that would influence voters in the 'run' this year; things like abortion, gay rights, etc., etc. *pro-life,ibelievepeoplearepeople,fetusesareahumanlife,peoplesin,peopleMAKECHOICES,and...probablyrepublican.*sigh**)
-People around me
-'The issues' (a few of them listed in 'political issues', which, they may be the same, but... I'm gonna just make this seperate. Things like drugs, abuse, other addictions, teen pregnancy, etc. )
-Mental disorders
-GOD

My faith really is at the core. I accept that there is darkness in the world, and that's something that needs to change. I realize things, I am aware. And I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save us from this darkness, our sins. I believe in redemption. All the unwritten endings in my mind aren't entirely unhappy. They're endings that end with hope and redemption and faith and love. And like in real life, though it's difficult for me to do at times, not all characters have the happiest endings. If I actually got to writing, there is that light... in the darkness. My characters will not end up miserable forever. They relapse, yes, they get stressed out, they get depressed, but their desire to change, their efforts, they are not in vain in the end. I like triumphant endings. I like happy endings. I LOVE "happily ever afters". And I believe everyone can have a happy ending, if they put their faith in Him and do His will.

My problem in writing truly is discipline; it's not as though I lack inspiration. Truly, every little thing can be an inspiration to me. I just need to get working at it, work harder, try harder, do what the english teacher says about adjectives and adverbs and spelling and organization and all that... take every little thing to improve my writing seriously.

God Bless you all. :) Love ya!

- Aly

Once a week, I tolded j00. I SOWWIE FOR TAKING LONG! DX *hug* Today: SEE YOU AT THE POLE.

http://www.calvaryefc.org/content/view/1314/911/

That's what I did this morning at my school's flagpole. We prayed about a couple students and teachers, and we sang and prayed around the flagpole... it was pretty awesome. :)

I gotta get back on track, though. :-/

I read my Bible during school today. I decided not to take my other 'outside reading' books to classes today, and just took my Bible instead. I've been reading John. It's very good... lots of stuff to think about. People were really against Jesus back then... it's similar to the way things are now. There were more 'Pharisees' back then, and though there are MANY hypocrites (sp?) in Christianity, there a lot of people picking and choosing things in the Bible to believe, and not believe. As well as MANY people who just don't want to believe... it's really sad to me. :-/

(haven't figured out his codename yet) This one guy, I sit next to in English, nice dude, funny, tried too hard on YouTube, yet apparently, it worked, because he has lots of viewers now, or a modest amount, either way. Anyway, his broken ankle just healed up... and then he broke his arm last night. O.O Yah. Sucks for him. D: We prayed for him at See You at the Pole today... and this other girl. *sigh* I really gotta get up with that bullying problem. Mrs. Waver said she'd see me today... and I had a health test, so I couldn't come... xP And tommorrow she wants me to come during study hall (which is called 'target'... we normally specify some certain things we have to do in Target, so we don't always get to just freely do homework or throw papers at each other. o.e)

And... I might be getting a crush on Sam #1. o.o

Ella's gonna spazzkeel meh. T.T


Writer's block kills. o.o

I need to get back to homework... MY PROCRASTINATION SYNDROME CAME BACK! D':

God Bless you all. :) ^^ Love ya! ^^

-Aly "Kim", "Alyce", etc...

Life and all that stuff.

*sigh*
I don't wanna complain. I take this all as an opportunity to be a really great friend, show Jesus' love and compassion, and bring these people to Christ. Like this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh2IRvavyms

*sigh*

But... *sigh* I really... I know what I need to do, but carrying it out, you know? It's kinda hard. When I found out what I did last week about them, I cried and prayed all the way home. And then I cried and prayed some more and told my other friend about them... I'm just so stupidly distracted by lots of selfish things. I really have to try and give it all up for God, and for those friends.

Yeah. Sorry about that... just what's been on my mind for a little while...

Okay, quite a while.

I have to change.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEANNE! ^^

This is an image of a stuffed goat. <3>

I hope you like it!

LYLAS!

-Aly-chan

Writer's Block and Music tastes of years passed up until now

I think I'm going to try and write some more stories, so I can get my writing juices all mixed together. I may eventually, also, make a seperate blog just for stories, original/fanfiction, etc.


However, I have discovered another bout of writer's block. o.ee

My english teacher said:

"Good writers write what they know."

o.e

Yey what I know...

*sigh* Last time I wrote something half-decent, that wasn't roleplaying, was on the Mission Trip with Rose... we developed a tradition of writing stories together when we wrote a fanfiction together, Avatar: The Last Airbender/Teen Titans crossover... good tiiimes.

I used to always write fanfiction. Anyway, that story was about a boy named Hisoka, and a girl who also had a Japanese name that I don't remember at the moment... *sigh* It sounded pretty interesting, but we didn't finish, as we had several times before. Pshyah. Whenever I wrote/write with Rose, I write. I'm good. It's like... she's a muse, or something, xD

Weird, but true, at times.

Back then, we stole her iPod a lot. Favorite music back during sixth grade, was Evanescence, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, I do believe. Lots of pop stuff too, but the good Pop, Pop Rock, like Kelly Clarkson. Back then I was waaay tolerant to radio most of the time, though, also. I memorized certain Fergie and Black Eyed Peas songs of the radio... o.e interesting times.

7th grade was kind of more stuff like Linkin Park and Simple Plan and Good Charlotte, MCR, some more soft rock-y stuff, like Coldplay, also. Lots of other stuff too. Less tolerance to rap/hip-hop, and I just kinda stopped listening to it...

Lately, I've been listening to quite a bit of Flyleaf, Relient K again (their new stuff), Coldplay, Casting Crowns. Those are my most frequently-listened-to bands at the moment...

I'm bored/depressedish due to something I've discovered/missing Rose, but better now that she ish on teh phone wiff me...

God Bless, guys. :)

Haunted (inro/beginning/part 1/etc.; the story based on the morbid email; read note for more detail.

Author's Note: Remember the morbid story I said was inspired by that morbid email? Well, I'm writing it now. May I warn you, that this is a very roughly written draft/thing that I probably won't edit before publishing here. If you notice any conventional (grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.) mistakes, let me know. Other than that, just tell me what you think.

Another warning: THIS STORY IS SAD. o.e Also rather dark, dealing with situations that involving suicide, self-injury, death, school, and perhaps selective mutism. So, please read at your own disgression.

The email was about a girl who was called ugly and undatable by a boy she liked, a boy afraid of what his friends would think, and who supposedly killed herself by slitting her wrists, cutting her face, and perhaps also drowning herself. It was titled "NO GIRL DESERVES TO HAVE THIS TOLD TO HER!" which I agree with.

But I knew that that was not the whole story, if the story were true, or not...

What about her family? Her mother, the only mentioned parent in the email? Friends? Her school, community? And of course, the boy. The aftermath of this girl's tragic and avoidable death. There was so much more to it than this, shock value, how terribly destroyed that girl's self-esteem was.

I kept thinking. And I got to writing.
-------

You lied to her.

Look what happened now.

No... no, this couldn't...

You killed her.


It wasn't true. It wasn't murder. He did lie.

But she was gone... forever....

Haunting you...
---

Those words on the mirror. Why did she never tell them?! How could this have happened?!

Marley didn't think she could handle this... She didn't even know. She didn't even know what was happening to her friend. The shock would never wear off to her...

"Am I pretty enough now?"

She couldn't even bear go to that funeral. But she had to.

She did, barely making it out of the church... no one ever used the word... why the casket was closed...

She couldn't even think of that word.

Death was always a sad, miserable thing. But it was an incredible, deep, pain when it's someone you loved. Kristen.... she was practically her sister. Gone. Forever. She didn't even get the chance to turn 14.

Her lost life in her own hands...

She could never think of her dear friend that way...
---
Jess locked herself in her room, trying to blank out, blasting Linkin Park, then Flyleaf, Evanescence, My Chemical Romance, and then more Linkin Park, shutting up her brain, and damaging her ears, silencing her emotions.

She didn't believe it. She wouldn't believe it.

Whatever screwed up the people in these bands, excluding Flyleaf, couldn't have been worse than what had just happened.

She wouldn't believe it.

On Monday, she would go to school, and talk to her best friends, Kristen, Marley, and Sandra, like nothing had happened, BECAUSE NOTHING HAD.

She refused to go earlier. She wouldn't believe it.

Her parents tried to get past her locked door... she couldn't even hear them knock. She turned up her mp3, earbud headphones that curled over the back of her ear, with powerful amplification, made her music louder.

Her eyes betrayed her, tears slipping through them, as hard as she held them back... she wanted to call her. Ask her what was wrong. Apologize for anything she might have done, comfort her, call Sandra, have her help...

But that part of her inside, knew she would never be able to do that again.
----
Sandra prayed, she cried, and prayed. And then she laid in bed, just laying there, staring up at the ceiling, her shoulder-length, dark brown, hair sprawled out on her pillow. She had changed as soon as she got home, half-wanting to burn that black skirt and jacket she'd worn... maybe she wouldn't remember as well.

How could she be gone? Why...?

She turned toward her pillow, curling up beneath her sheets, and crying once again... too many questions... she knew it happened. It was just too much, though... she asked why, again, and again...

She couldn't believe she was gone...

Bzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzzzzz, Bzz...

She reached for her phone, sniffing slightly. "Hello?" she said, quietly, coughing slightly to clear her throat from the hoarseness it had from crying so much.

No answer, but someone else's sobbing over the phone... Marley. A hangup.

And then a ring of a doorbell. Her parents opening the door, their footsteps below, and then someone else's, no doubt, rushing up there. Marley...

The friends through their arms around each other, crying, and holding each other, not even caring anymore... they couldn't hold back their tears. This was all too real to them...
---
Jess opened her window, sneaking out the back, and down the gutters, through Sandy's backyard, and through their back door. Marley was already there....

She snuck up there deliberately, still holding back her own tears...

The door creaked open, the sound her friends' sobbing much too loud, and she couldn't hold back any longer.... she put her arms around the both of them, and cried silently.



They were undoubtedly missing someone... someone they weren't getting back... it seemed incomplete. And so they cried, not saying a word, while they held each other close, afraid to let go...

Blawg tyme (school and stuffs)

New characters:

Dana- a girl from school, who's firsthand experienced 'relational aggression' of the other girls, experienced their bullying, and I do believe has equally gone up against other girls

Mrs. Waver- Guidance counselor for middle school. Awesome woman who has spoken to me (Kim/Alyce) and helped me through many things throughout middle school, as well as made me think a whole lot, and honestly, genuinely cares about the students

Mr. Novelten: Youngish principal guy, around maybe his forties, with kids of his own, formerly just the Middle School principal, now the K-8 guy, due to unfortunate school cutting stuffs.

Trista- A friend I've known since first grade, when she first moved here, moving from someplace else to here, another town, and then ANOTHER town, going to various schools in that town, an often dysfunctional family, her mother full of mysteries and their house full of cigarette smoke, but a really great girl, with big dreams and a great voice.

Danica- My friend who lives with her single mother, and bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend, and has friends who are older, and make often negative decisions at times. She's very in touch with her music, and pretty cool to hang out with, seems and looks older than her age streetwise.

Tick- A bloodsucker. *jk* Some dude that Danica dated, who had MANY issues, and was a pervert, but apparently was just so 'hot' and Trista was attracted to him. Involved with a dramadramadramaduck situation, between Dani having to break up with him, him breaking up with her, and then breaking Trista's heart as well, causing her to get really mad, by DATING DANA WHILE DATING TRISTA, (stupid a-hole guy... please pardon my... yeah...), Mr. Playa's got some problems, and left some girls with some too. Dani's still friends with him, though I find it dangerous, and I don't like most of her boyfriends because most of them have hurt her in some way. Dana and Trista were left with a grudge between each other, due to their boyfriend's cheating issues... among various other things. (Oh yeah. Long story. I'll maybe get to it eventually. Trista just couldn't get talked out of dating this guy... attracted to 'dangerous' guys. xPPPP)

I've decided, like my dearest friend Leanne/Kris, to arrange my blog so that I post at least once a week. Sorry for those who'd rather hear from me more, but I need to give myself something that's structured right now (like homework, xP; though I like blogging....) so that I will have a goal that I can commit to doing. And with school and all started, I've got homework, and all of that, and I'm in procrastinator mode (though it hasn't been so bad so far... which is quite an improvement...)

Sorry guys. D: Now that I have that set up, I'll probably end up posting more... *hugglesreaders* Love you guys.

God Bless you! Gawsh, I need to get on here more...

Anyway...

Life.

I had a great conversation with my parents last night. It was pretty cool. I'm glad I did. I asked my dad/told parents about the 'people problems', witnessing vs. debate, how to tell people about Jesus and live like him toward people... and he told me that the Gospel of John would be a good book to study/read. He told me to read it just like a book, and if I had questions, write them down, you know, really kinda ponder stuff. And I plan on doing that. The point of reading it, is to read about how Jesus interacted with people, the things that He did, His compassion, His love, His everything. John was like a very close friend to Jesus, so that was the perspective that the book was written from. And I think that's a great idea for me to read...

School...

Has finally gotten a little more interesting. I'm gonna start the anti-bullying thing maybe next week, or at least assist with it, now that the system's got it. xP Oh well. Mrs. Waver and the elementary guidance counselor now, can help out with more anti-bullying things. (Last year's school cutting pplz thing got rid of the Elementary principal, causing the Middle School principal, Mr. Novelton to become the K-8 principal.) The school got revamped. Sort of. Actually, they're still constructing various things... the one gym (which really isn't a 'gym gym'... just one of those things with chairs/bleachers and stuff... but it also functions as our stage, so it has chairs attached to these big cement steps and all dat. The new chairs are nice though. The others were like, fifty years old. O.O)

Okay, enough schoolgettingstuffdoneduetothetownvotingfortheschoolgettingmoney,ANDNOTGETTINGANEWHIGHSCHOOL* rant.

Soo... yeah. A girl named Dana, who hung out with me, Macy, Sam from my school and church, at the Burger Bash, on Wednesday, a party-ish thing with music, burgers, other food, and lotsa hangin' out, before See You at the Pole, September 25th, I believe, which may be international, where Christians at schools gather at their flagpole and have fellowship right before school. So it was kind of the pre-party thing. See You After The Pole, the after-party-thing, which is a really cool awesomeness party, where all the kids who went to See You at the Pole in Rochester/schools in that general area, come to in the evening, to hang out and have more fellowship, talk about how it went at their school, have more worship (but with most likely a WAY louder band, which is pretty awesome; our church always has great music anyway. The students get lots of modern Christian rock/other stuff, like Relient K, TobyMac, Family Force Five, etc.... the worship during church service is always pretty awesome too. Our own band thing, sometimes the adult choir, the kid's choir, all that good stuff... yeah. I might go into more detail later, lulz... Don't get me wrong, I really do love going to church to learn about Christ and everything. It's just the people at my church often have good taste in music. And I realize that worship isn't about the sound, it's about worshipping God.)
Great stuff. See You At The Pole seems more powerful at the city school's though... but that's okay. We're not there for us, it's there to show our love for Jesus.

Well... back on topic...

So, anyway, being in the presence of Dana, actually talking to her, and having to drive her home with my mom (well, my mom was doing the driving, since we both live in town and all that, but... you get what I mean...) really inspired me to get moving with that whole 'anti-bullying' class thing. I asked HER about it, and she'd like to get involved also. She's threatened to change schools several time because of this school... supposedly, she's going to a new one next year... *sigh*

But, I'm gonna go for it. And try to fix up what's right for the school, and what's not, along with Mrs. Waver, and the elementary guidance counselor too, if she gets involved also. Bullying is an important issue in our school.

A lovely statistic:

(I think it was about this...)

2/3 school shootings start with bullying at some point. ('Kay, I've most likely talked about this already, but I have to talk about it again; it's really driving and solemn for me.)

I remember the bullied one trying to prove himself out to the others, because they brutally verbally bashed him everyday.

It was a pencil, but stabbing nonetheless, that he did to one of the people who bullied him the most. I was at an all-day choir thing during that day, when it happened at lunch... the boy wasn't horribly injured, in fact, he came to school after a couple days, just fine, practically. Showing people his wound. o.e

But still...

The kid left. He'd moved there that ONE year. Not even one year... all the other new guy students were fine with us kids, but he just got hated on and hated on. People claimed to have tried to be friends with him. He pushed them away. But no one cared to try again. They just rejected him. He was different. He had really thick glasses. Some other issues, health issues, maybe other issues, didn't dress like everyone else.

And yet a lot of them rejected him and verbally abused him. (Because bullying IS abuse!)

It's scary and sat that these things happened...

I don't ever wanna see it happen again, at least at this school. Mrs. Waver told me about a school that had a new program about bullying and things like that, up north, where there had been a shooting/suicide (I think...) and how it was working well...

*sigh*

That was much more intense, and apparently, much more tragic things happened. But our school has had a history of relational agression and rejection of people who are different. That's not nearly as bad as what a school shooting/what leads up to one could be, but it's always possible in places...

I'd been wanting to do this even BEFORE that kid was driven to the edge/couldn't/wasn't reached.

Lots of bullying problems here. Small school, small town. Bullying and drugs is all we got for issues, and that's never good.

Every place has problems. The town may look quaint on the outside... but you gotta live here, you have to look in to understand the people.

The Shrink (a poem-thing)

Life inspires me once more to write a poem/song-like-item. It's kind of a... weird titled thing, lots of metaphorical things, I think... or that's how it turned out in my mind. Be known that I do not write rough drafts (like, evaarrr) in my blog. (Manual, Manual of Life= metaphors for the Bible)


The Shrink

The world is suffering
From society-based schizophrenia
Dark voices telling them lies
And the truth is distorted

The shrink is there
With calls for suicidal thoughts and anger
Sadness, grief, frustrations
Compulsions and obsessions
Unhealthy habits
Anxiety problems, and anorexia, bullimia

She hears their stories everyday
She wants to help, but doesn't know what to say
She prays, and prays, but doesn't stop to listen
Especially when she should

The shrink has problems too
But they don't matter to her
Oh, she shouldn't have made it past internship
There isn't enough training that will ever make her get used to this
No amount of preparation

She's desensitized at times
Reviews her patients' files
Feels angry at times
But she pushes it away
Oh they need her, yes they do
Or do they, really?

They need God, yes they do
She prays
She's afraid to speak sometimes and feels ashamed

The 'bosses' at work suffer from that schizophrenia too
The voices telling them it's wrong
The voice that says it's politically incorrect
Offensive
To tell them about the Lord that leads her way

Stressful day, after stressful day
She sits and prays
She needs to read her Manual a little bit more

She'll fight not to go insane
Not to fall into the voices that threaten her precious mind and heart
She'll fight to do what's right
And avoid what is wrong

Sometimes her patients won't want her words
And professional lines will have to drop
As she steps in and holds them close
Lets their tears fall on her shirt

She fights everyday against those disorders
That threaten her own life
Mental hypochondriac she wished to diagnose herself

But pills don't fight the lies of the dark voices
God is on her side

She fights the lies everyday and every night
She won't listen to those voices
No matter how hard it is
If someone falls, she'll ask for God's guidance
Let him lift them up
If she is called upon, she will do her part

That's her job
And now she knows to do it willingly
The difference between right and wrong
And friend and psychiatrist or psychologist
Are reminding her
And God shines light down through the darkness
She will follow it

Let the Manual of Life show her what should be done
Rather than fall into the voices.

I know ya'll pro'lly wanna hear abou the wedding, but... (vent/rantpost.o.e confuzzlingpost)

For starters, the wedding was great. There was an after party for the after party of the after party. All three parties and the wedding were cool. And my cousins pwn you.





Anyway, now to my dumb stupid emotions no one really wants to hear about... okay, maybe I'm wrong...





*hugs* I love you guys. *sigh*





School started today. I missed most of the day, due to my flight coming in.





But everyone seemed pretty nice. And it seems like I didn't screw up my friendship with Jared as much as I thought I had...








Okay, and NOW, to stop avoiding talking.





(Hm, I wonder where my guidance counselor's office is now... the school's office is all like, rearranged... o.e )








Okay.





Combination of sixth grade... and... well, you know what, no. It's all outside school. Everyone's got problems already.





-----------------


I was interrupted. By my parents. Talking about a lovely new routine. *sigh* Why couldn't I just let myself be inspired by them and their academic excellence, even though their families were... erm... (put nicely), different than my own.

*sigh*


In so many ways, I'm selfish and self-centered, and vain, and cold. And I create my own problems. And maybe, somewhere deep in the caverns of my weird, screwed-up mind, I just wanna study psychology/psychiatry(yes, psychiatrymaybenow) so I can say I have a mental disorder, get pills, and feel fixed. Actually, that wouldn't even work. If that's what I really think. Which I'm sure I don't... but some part of me... might? Now I'm confusing myself! Maybe I'll just drive myself insane... xPP



Anyway, I'm also either mellowdramatic/sacrificial/right? . I don't know. You know how in the Bible, one of the apostles (I don't remember which... ) speaks about how blessing and cursing come from the tongue. How a stream that produces freshwater cannot produce saltwater, or something similar to that.



I have that. A lot. And it shouldn't be.



It's not just my mouth. It's my mind. I confuse myself sometimes. I try to figure myself out, when a part of me knows the truth, while the others try to think of other things.



I have horrible self-esteem. Some people might not know that.



I hate my body a lot sometimes. I just think I'm ugly sometimes. And it's wrong. God made me. He made everything about me. I should pray more. I should lean on God more. But so many times I get so dang close to falling into that pit of temptation. And it's always within myself. No one else's fault.



No one's ever told me I'm worthless, no one's ever told me I'm fat, or ugly, or stupid, or that I was a bad person. Everyone even says I---
-------------------
Gah. Interrupted. More. So, I started this entry yesterday, and didn't finish it, and I don't feel like it.

But, I did feel like posting it. I'm praying for everyone else right now and their beginning-of-school-issues. My issues are dead today. I feel fine.

Meh. So bipolar I am.



Sooooooooo...

Nothing epical happened for me today at school. I finished my homework during school. The schedule's weird, but that's okay.

Hot N Cold by Katy Perry is addicting. o.e Gawsh, I hated her first single... but she's so contagious! D:< GAH!

Anyway... yeah. *sigh* Love you guys. God Bless. :) Sorry for this confusing entry. I just really wanted to update for you all... even though you probably didn't want to hear me angst on here...

Randomness. Rant. Life. Thoughts. Today. Yeah.

My creativity died in that title...

Anyway, I'd like to let ya'll know, I'ma be pretty much not on very often starting tommorrow, due to being in DC for my cousin's wedding on Tuesday, and after that, on September 2nd, when our plane gets back, I'll be heading to school. o.e Which kinda sucks.

But I'm sure the wedding will be awesomely... ^^

I am really looking forward to this now. I'm gonna see relatives I haven't seen for years, and all that good stuff... and...

*sighs*

Okay, secretly, I really wanna find someone to dance with at the reception. That's one of my eveel boy crazy goals.

xP

Hopefully not related to me. O.O Most likely not... we don't have a lot of guys in the family that aren't about 18 years older than me or anything more than my brother's age. o.e

Anyway... *sigh*

Today I thought about Rose. And Mark. And Jared. I really miss 'em all...

Mark's probably spazzed out because he couldn't make it to the BD party. It wasn't his fault he couldn't make it... *sigh*

I put some more songs on my playlist for Rose... heh. You know, stuff like the stuff we used to sing back in summer of '06, after I discovered MUSIC!, when I talked to her daily for hours upon hours on the phone... good times. *sigh*

Teen Titans fanvids. D': I miss her... *sigh* :'( *cries*

I saw Jared while running errands today. o.e He was with his friend, who has the same name as 'Kim's' brother, David. (Had a crush on him in fifth grade... LOOOONNNGGG story, not to be told right now) Meh. I waved awkwardly, like I was confused/PO'd or something, and then went into the post office and did my post-office duties and all dat.

I was so tempted to just walk over and talk to them...

So that's what I planned, after I went to get my books and return them to the library. And they were gone already, of course. David and Jared have been hangin' out a heck of a lot this summer. *sighs*

I still feel like I screwed things up between Jared and I. Maybe I'm wrong... but I just hope things go well this schoolyear. I still wanna be friends with him. And I'll feel quite hurt if he starts acting like a jerk to me this year.

Ugh. Maybe I SHOULD stay away from guys... but I just can't decide. I think it'd be healthier if I just had a crush on someone... then I'd just watch them, and think about them, and not about M-Word and every hawt guy I ever see... xP I've become too vain, I think. *sigh* I don't care about how a person looks if I date them. But I now know what the world thinks makes someone attractive...

But I guess I still don't care. I have my own preferences. Heh... *sigh*

I'm sighing a lot. o.e

xP I think I'm at the very beginning of falling in... like I'm walking toward the edge that makes you swept in the world, but being pulled back and forth from right and wrong, and I KNOW what's right, and wrong, yet I contemplate them. But I always stop myself before I get in.

Even though my humor has become increasingly crude. And I'm contemplating tolerance on certain issues that I know are wrong. I love God. And I need to focus. I can't go through life without God. That would kill. I wouldn't BE here if I didn't have faith in Him. I wouldn't be ALIVE if he wasn't there. Nor would anyone else...

xP

The most frustrating, depressing, GAH! D:< (ish a face) boards ever:

http://forums.avatarspirit.net/index.php?board=2.0


xPPPP (xP= also a face)

Granted, I learned a lot about certain events from those threads, but still. D:< GAH.

xP

Please don't shoot me for being immature about this right now... *sigh*
*changessubject*


I AM SO EXCITED FOR DC NOW!

I really wanna see my cousins and everyone. Though it'll be awkward to have more of those cheek-pinching aunts you really don't know who go all "Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" when they see me... o.e But everything will be good. ^^

:)

Well, school's comin' up... Good luck to all. God Bless. :) ^^

~Aly-chan, "Kim"

Suck It Up by Brian Meehl Summary Rant-Like-Item (LONG)

As requested by Dibsy.
(spoilers ahead)

Anyway, Suck It Up, a novel by Brian Meehl, is about a vampire named Morning McCobb. Trust me. This is NOT a normal vampire novel, but, I think unorthodox vampire novels are becoming so common, that they're practically normal... but this book surpasses "normal", creepy, horror novels, that we believe belong as vampire books.

The main character, Morning, is a skinny, comic book-loving, kind of geeky guy, who graduates at the beginning of the book, from the International Vampire League. (IV League... xD) He's a SangV (human blood virgin, has never drunk human blood; not even animal blood, though he once tried to taste another students Blood Bull animal blood drink, and did not have a great reaction toward it...), vegan vampire, who drinks a soy-based blood substitute, called Blood Lite. He's optimistic, kind, caring, who once had huge hopes and dreams to become a superhero, and a real-life superhero, a firefighter, after watching them risk their lives to save others after the Twin Towers crashed in 2001, having lived in New York City all his life, until he was changed. He'd lived in NY, and mostly at an orphanage for boys, St. Giles, where he was taken care of mainly by his favorite nun, Sister Flora.

He was tossed from foster home to foster home, and often brought back to St. Giles. The only way for him to feel like he was home again, was to visit the Williamsburg Bridge, his favorite bridge in NYC, because "it's no one's favorite," and because of a bedtime story Sister Flora once made up for him, while he was very young, about the 'Williams Bird Bridge'. (read the book; you'll understand.)

Until one Thanksgiving. It was last year... it was then, that the quiet, geeky teen, was turned into a SangFU (blood "flub-up"). An accidental vampire.

His "creator's" intention was not to create a blood-child, but to just enjoy his "dessert". However, that was not the case.

Morning, after realizing what he had become, resisted giving into his 'new' instincts, trying to starve himself off of not drinking blood. And then he was rescued by the Leaguers.

The only thing he'd ever drink, was Blood Lite, the soy-based substitute to human or animal blood. The Leaguer way was very different than the Loner way, the rare ones who lived by way of the "old" vampire commandments, the 'true' dark creatures of the night. The Leaguers' motto was "Drink Culture, Not Life." And they followed it well, blending in quietly with Lifers (mortals; humans) throughout their immortal lives, and keeping their vampirism in secret.

But Luther Birnam, the president of IVL, has plans for a Worldwide Out Day, where vampires would reveal their true identities. And his choice to be the first "Outed" vampire, is none other than...

Morning McCobb.

Thrust into the public, without warning, he gets on his way becoming a huge celebrity, the first true vampire celebrity, the posterchild of the "innocent" vampires. Of the Leaguers.

But that was only the beginning...

Along with his publicist, Penny Dredful, came her daughter, aspiring filmmaker, determined, and filled with attitude, Portia Dredful. She tags along, on Morning's journey to various events, showing off his powers of cell diffrenciation (also known as 'shape-shifting', to Lifers and Loners), to prove he was a vampire, and doing interviews, and trying his best to prove the vampires were not dangerous.

However, the girl who started out as a "story vampire", began growing into something more...

And not everyone wanted the vampires to come out.

Ikor DeThanatos, the only Loner who did not sign the treaty that ended the war between Loners and Leaguers, is determined to punish Morning for going against the Old Commandments.

As Morning gets closer to Portia, he begins to encounter the dangers and pleasures of bloodlust, a deathly combination of envy of human will and dreams, and the thirst of a vampire.

As his last event as the guinea pig of outing vampires approaches, the danger from DeThanatos, and giving into the worst of Leaguer vampire temptations, begins to heat up.
--------

And that's all I'm gonna tell you people. ^^ I tried to keep it to... erm... minimal maximum spoilering... heh. Anyway, I hope if you read it, you'll enjoy it. I liked it. I love Morning. I love Portia (as a character; and she pwns Bella Swan... heheh...), I love Morning/Portia. Great book. Srsly.

I didn't delve into the deeper aspects of the book, but I might do that eventually. All I gotta say is REEEEADDD IIIITTT.

Gah. D: (Suck It Up by Brian Meehl was amazing. o.o) rant-likeitem.short.

Hello people. I'm sorry I haven't been updating a lot lately. I love you guys. You're all really great for reading my blog...

Today, I finished the book Suck It Up, by Brian Meehl. It was awesome. I loved the characters, the story was original, it was just GREAT.
*spoilerzish*

Morning McCobb= pwnsome.

Portia Dredful>Bella Swan

Not obssessed with Morning romantically, actually has a healthy ounce a fear, confident, determined.

I do enjoy Twilight, but I had a very bad case of Bella hate, due to her obssession with Edward, and willingness to give up EVERYTHING, family, friends, home, humanity/mortality/etc. for another person... but, most things were solved in Breaking Dawn. Still... Well, I'm glad everything turned out well for them.

Suck It Up was pretty good, to me. :) ^^' 8) I'll probably rant about more later...

More Blog Neglect...

New Characters

*I've mentioned this one before, just never named him... I think... hopefully... anywayyyy...*

Max- A dude who was my second boyfriend. Yah. Cuz... yah. But anyway, we're all just friends now, and he constantly wears a hat. My friends and I (but mostly me) find it absolutely necessary to attempt to remove that hat. And stuffs. Cuz it annoys him. Dislikes Linkin Park, and most depressing bands... with loud screamtasticness... heheh. Really a sweet kid, with an awkward disposition, obssessed with various girls. And has obvious ways of making it known that he likes someone. Liked Rose. And stopped. Liked me. And stopped. Has good guy advice about guys. He liked a random girl at TURTLES. Yet, he's a great guy. Really. He's sweet and nice and... still pretty fun to give a hard time... heh...

I am REALLY sorry about this guys... I haven't been onto blogspot hardly at all lately, and I know I have readers, and I'm really sorry... D': *wipescobwebsaway*

Like Dibsy said, a blog is like a baby... well, but I don't think it needs diapers, or a bottle... but it needs to be fed.

School's starting up again soon for me, and I'll be going to DC from the 26-Sept. 2nd (the day school starts), for a wedding...

This Thursday, I'm going to the zoo with Ella.

And last weekend, Kris (Leanne) and I had a rawkin'sauce time at my church lock-in like-item, and an AMAZING day at Valleyfair! It was called TURTLES, which stands for Totally Unique Recreational Teen Last Event of the Summer

On Friday, we got to my church, messed around on inflatables, then went inside, ate dinner, and played Rock Band. The only thing I could do was sing (and my voice was made of crap that day) , and so we sang... we sang Creep by Radiohead, Wanted by Bon Jovi, I'm So Sick by Flyleaf... all that stuffs. Pretty much all the songs. And the ones that I don't like. *highlydislikeMississippiQueen* But we still went up there. And annoyed this kid from my church named Max, by singing Creep loudly to him the next day on the bus up to Valleyfair, which is like a Six Flags in Minnesota. An amusement park, with rollercoasters, rides that go high up and fast and stuff and water slides and water rides and stuff. That's Valleyfair. I refused to ride anything that went upside down this year. Though I went on one of the awesomest rollercoasters EVER, like I do every year, the Wild Thing.

http://www.valleyfair.com/public/attractions/rides/thrill_rides/wild_thing.cfm

It looks way cooler when you're on it. Actually, I was about to have a heart attack while I was staring at it, feeling it as it PLUNGED downward, from just watching it, but... I do that every time I see it, even though I've been on it about 8 times now...

Also, during TURTLES, our church got us a Christian Illusionist, Mr. Toby Travis, and he was pretty amazing. I'd seen him before, but, he's always pretty cool. (My church always gets the same entertainment for various things... like the Mega Party/Gran Fiesta outreach to the Hispanics in the city that I go to my church on, yeah, we had the same guy from one time there at TURTLES, which had been about a week and Toby Travis came to Mega Party, I think around... last year, or so. So yah. But they're always cool people who come. ^^)

Valleyfair's Power Tower caused a girl to lose her foot. And she tried to sue them. And they didn't take it down... though they might have been supposed to, but... yeah...

Either way, my dad, his group, (he's a chaperone there) my group, Leanne/Kris being in that group, all went on it...

And they all still have their feet!

I liked Toby Travis's show ending, about how all your deep questions in life are answered when you get saved. Because he was asking a lot of questions right before he got saved like "Why am I here?" or "Where do I go after I die?" "What is my purpose in life?" and he got them all answered when he learned about the Lord and his love and plans for our lives.

I find that pretty awesome. :)


Today, early this morning, my dad started driving with another insurance adjustor friend, to Florida. o.e He's already been called to do a claim. o.e For the tropical storm/hurricane thing. And it was supposed to hit right where Rose was. xPPP D: And she was supposed to start school this week...

I find it amazing how she still manages to have a sense of humor.

"Yeah, here in Florida, we don't get snow days, we get Tropical Storm days."

I'd be like all

"OMC OMC OMC WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sobs* :'( *

I'm praying for them all but...still. xP It's awkward to know my dad's making money of people's houses getting damaged. T.T

I love Rose-chan. We all miss her so much... *sigh* :'(

I'm looking forward to Mega Party/the Zoo this week... it'll be very funness. I love when I have plans during the week. Especially during school. I hate just having to wait until the weekend and sit there all weekend. I always have to be doing something. It gives me something to look forward to during the school-weeks. *sigh*

I have people addiction, too. It may be wrong, but it's more necessary than the computer... much more important. But I don't really give myself time alone, unless I'm in my room drawing/writing/reading, which I hardly ever do... and after at most, an hour and a half, I gotta call Leanne or someone... but mostly Leanne... ^^"

Either way, I'm a friend-neglecter too. xP

*sigh*

I'ma keep praying, and hoping I can live for the Lord this year.

6th Grade- Weird and quiet-ish and depressed-ish/hyper-ish.

7th Grade- Outspoken and more happy, talkative, hyper/deep-ish occasionally/friendly/strong opinions.

8th Grade- ?

Well, we'll see what my insanebrain comes up with this year...

BLOG NEGLECT D:

I'm sorry everyone for not being here for so long... *sigh* I really am. *hugseveryone* I missed you guys.

I've just sort of had writer's block... I mean, I have tons of stuff to write about, and I think quite a few unfinished drafts that I'll never get published, but either way, I've been obssessing over stuff for a while, and it's not goin' well. xP Obssession is icky and bad. And internet addiction. o.e

Either way, I shouldn't be neglecting you awesome people who read my blogs. I missed you guys. *huggles*

Anyway, onto other matters.

I need to focus on my faith in God more, because I'm obssessing over friends, books, and roleplaying. And not even focusing on school, which is coming September 2nd, sadly. I should be reading my Bible, at least looking through verses... *sigh*

Christian peoplez- Anyone got a suggestion of a pre-School Bible book I should read? (As in books IN the Bible, like Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, etc...)

I once read one chapter or so of Proverbs per day throughout the month of May. It was very interesting. That's what the speaker at one of our Christian conferences said would be a good idea for someone who was already developing their faith...

Anyway, I gots a Facebook.

http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1397139183

*sigh* Such a terrible place to get addicted to... it's not quite as bad as myspace would be, I think.... heh. I share a MySpace with Kris (Leanne) and Rose. But Rose never logs on... D:

*sighness*

I keep using the same words and phrases over and over...

Well, anyone read the Twilight Series? Did ya'll read Breaking Dawn? *pleasetellmeyoudidn'thateitifyoudid* Anyway, I liked it, but a whole ton of fandom has turned into vicious haters with unkind words, and it is depressing. D':

The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I promised myself I wouldn't watch it... *sigh* I'm hooked. xP Terrible, terrible show. I mean, it's high school at it's worse, where every teenager is having... it, and some of them covering it up with 'Christianity', and a girl getting pregnant... meh.

The only characters I really LIKE-LIKE are Ben, Amy, and Ashley, Amy's younger sister. She's so bluntly... there. She just comes right out and says it, or covers it up. Ben's just... Ben. I like Ben. He's a very sweet boyfriend, with old-fashioned morals, and his dad owns a meat store-thing. Yeah. Amy... I just like Amy because... I'm not sure. She's emotional. I don't really like that she waited so long to tell her parents, but... what could you do?

Honestly, I don't watch these shows for entertainment value... even though I get to yell at the characters a lot... not that they can hear me... Kris and I watch it every Tuesday at 10:30, or whenever it's on, and we always have a... erm... deep-ISH discussion about it after the show is done.

Breaking Dawn was great to me. Even though it was kind of... okay, really bizarre, in some places. But, I don't know... I just really liked all the books. Maybe I'm too obssessed... *sigh*


*huggleseveryone* I promise, I'll be on here more often. Love you guys!

God Bless. :)

The Reasons Why... (kind of... I'll probably get off topic... if I don't, be glad! whee.)

Ahhh, good ol' internet addiction.

I used to play games on Barbie.com and be afraid to type my name in for a 'Good Babysitter!' certificate for watching baby Kate, or whatever her name was...

Wow, those were the days...

I used to journal.

Now I just blog, really.

I mean, it's easier than hiding a diary, and I never use my actual real full name on the internet anywhere...

But still.

(And I get readers who are pwnsome and awesomely friends! *hugzyouall*)

And... yeah.

I am constantly roleplaying... o.e

Like, seriously. I think about the stories I'm writing with my online friends in our roleplays, almost constantly. And I realize that's unhealthy... but... heh... yeah. o.e *sigh* It's not an 'oh well' situation. I got one of my friends hooked on the roleplay too... heheh. I really wish... alright, I CAN do something. But, that would involve willpower. Which I really need. I mean, God is always here and willing to help, and he wants me to change! But... well, getting comfortable really isn't a good thing, is it? We're not supposed to LOVE life on earth, love the ways of the world... we can't give in to that... *sigh* So I guess I should be changing.

Okay, I know I should be.

Today I feel rant-y. BLAME THE COFFEE!

-Aly-chan

God Bless you all!

Rant about this morning and a whole bunch of other stuff (slightly story style)

*yawn*

Today started out with my brother and my dad heading out to do work together so my mom and I could hang out and get my haircut for the Breaking Dawn release party tommorrow.

And then there was a tornado/EXTREMELY severe thunderstorm warning...

So yeah, I freaked out a bit.

The house never felt so empty and eerie before...

But I kept on praying to the Lord, and my dad called, and we were all good... and they had to cancel plans, however. For my dad's work and all that, reschedule appointments. (He's an adjuster for an insurance company... tons of property damage a few hours, and maybe even a few minutes, away from our house in Minnesota... but he works up north most of the time, so yeah, hours.)

Anyway, he called again. And my little bro and my dad were driving home... of course, my dad kept trying to freak me out by saying: "We're going through some tunnel clouds! OOH! We just got lifted up two feet and brought back to the pavement!"

Yeah. That's great, Dad. Just great.

Anyway, they got home. And I got a mocha iced coffee from 'McDonald's Cafe'. Which, I have to admit, even if you guys don't agree, tasted pretty good.

*sigh*

So then I walked through the rain to get a DVD. The river looks awesome today. The town of ours is so small... so darn, dang, small... but it used to be smaller. I mean, we NEVER had this many cars parked on mainstreet a few years ago, unless it was for some big event. Cars keep driving down, pulling out. Almost running people over...

Ugh. I miss that, sometimes... just the quiet little town. But we are a quiet little town, regardless. Our population has just gone up a bit.

And it's definitely gonna get bigger as soon as they start this plan they have out. It's horrible. There's this place where all these elk are? This elk farm-type-place? Well, they're gonna turn it into a HUGE business place, with this bio-research place. It's gonna suck. This part of town where I'm at, will be the 'old' part of town. And there will be people SWARMING here. Like the city nearby.

This place is gonna be a city.

It's like an extension of the city nearby. (Alright, no one's allowed to stalk me. (or my friends) IF YOU DO I WILL... erm... CALL THE POLICE! Yeah... that... anyway...), Rochester. A large of amount of people who live there, that I know, have parents that work at either IBM or the Mayo Clinic, as a nurse, a technology person, all that.

This is gonna turn into that.

I mean, it sounds great, but the nature... poor elk get to be put in little 'meadow-like' areas spread across the lovely suburbian community they're attempting to create here, with great jobs, and stuff like that. Sure, it's great. The city's expanding, yey!

But the animals are gonna be observed like they're in a zoo. Not that it's any better at the farm right now. But it's like the Indians, taking their land, and doing what WE want with it... I mean, they're animals, but it's still pretty sad to me.

And what's gonna happen when ALL small towns cease to exist?! I'm gonna hate coming here twenty years from now, with tourists and people filling up our streets... do we humans HAVE to just have more and more and more? I mean, why expand?! This place is perfectly fine... I love it the way it is/was. But nature's gonna decline, and small towns will keep growing, until they're a part of another city's metropolis.

*sigh*

Anyway, continuing with this morning...

I got 27 Dresse again. I haven't watched it yet, because Read It and Weep (the Disney Channel Original Movie) was on. And... to be honest, I think I'm an in-the-closet-DCOM-lover. Except for the Cheetah Girls, and when they got rid of Raven... EVEEL PEOPLE. *glares*

Anyway, Read It and Weep is a great movie to me. I mean, it just has a lot of great stuff in it... and it should have had a soundtrack, even though it wasn't particularly a musical. I liked it though. I really wanna know what the song is when Jamie is getting ready for the dance... *headdesk*

Anyway, I'ma keep ranting now...

That kiss. The one between Jamie and Connor in Read it and Weep.

That was what I thought MY first kiss would be... when I watched that movie, I absolutely thought of that. I remembered writing so much and class, how much I could relate to that movie back then. Now I see it through different eyes, but it's still the same. You can't lose yourself like that, pretend to be something you're not, and hurt people... but in the end, you've just gotta get back and learn who you really are, what's right, what's wrong. And it's great to have amazing friends who will always stick by your side, no matter what.

Anyway...

I didn't get the Connor and Jamie kiss, even though it was silently embedded in my head. I didn't think of that at all on that darn, stupid, freaking ski lift...

Oh well. I still won't forget mine. :) Who could?

Anyway...

(I've been saying that a lot lately...)

I really need to get back to my faith. *sigh* I was skimming my teen study Bible (from about 1990-something) again today, and I really need to focus. So bad... *sigh*

I don't wanna stray away...

I was reading one of my mom's devotionals in her 'Our Daily Bread' booklet, and it said "It's not how LONG you live, but HOW you live your life..." and stuff like that, for one of the dates... *sigh* And I gotta live for God, and stop trying to live for myself.